E120 - (LAYUP TBB) The #1 Unspoken Reason We Stay In A Trauma Bond

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[00:00:00] Today's episode is uncovering the number one reason that we stay in trauma bonds.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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If you are wondering why you're still thinking so much about him even after everything that he did, or you are wondering why it feels like your body is craving him to choose you to come back, even though you know that he is destabilizing and not good for you. If you are going no contact, and it feels excruciating, it feels like withdrawal.

And specifically, if you've ever thought, I know he's wrong for me, so why can't I just let go? Episode is going to change the way that you see yourself, because the reason for these thoughts and these [00:01:00] frustrations and these curiosities isn't weakness, it's wiring.

So from this episode, my intention really is to help you learn the hidden reason why the obsession and the rumination, and the overthinking and the craving really feels automatic, not chosen to help you stop shaming yourself with the, I'm just weak, I'm addicted. I can't stop. Language and to give you a really clear step-by-step outline that you can start implementing today to help you begin to detach for good.

And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode where I will pull an Oracle card, as always at the end of these episodes. And this offers you a message that you can use to stay more conscious in your healing this week.

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Here's what I can tell you. Most women that are in this situation are thinking. They're thinking that I'm trauma bonded because I just loved him too much, or I'm [00:02:00] stuck because I'm codependent, or I must just be addicted to him.

And if you're thinking these things as well, you likely know that you are in a cycle that is not working, a cycle that is not healthy. It's pulling you back to someone who you know on some level is not good for you. Which leads to incredible frustration because you're used to, in your life being able to figure things out and manage things and kind of like keep, keep all your shit under control.

You don't, you don't typically feel out of control in your life. And I know that this situation of feeling still drawn to him is feeling out of control. So I wanna talk about the, the number one unspoken reason that we stay in trauma bonds, because I don't believe we're talking about it enough, and it can really give you a lot of clarity as to what's happening. So you're feeling pulled to him. You are feeling this desire to have him choose you, to choose you to to bring you back, to come back into [00:03:00] closeness because your nervous system is adapted to this trauma bond. So the bond created a regulation pattern,

and here's what I mean by this very, very simply, he hurts you, but he's also the one that relieves the pain. So your nervous system is used to seeking out the person who can give, give the nervous system that regulation, that relief.

When we are on the rollercoaster in these relationships, what's happening biochemically in our brain is really, really important. When you're feeling anxiety and stress, the cortisol in your brain and your body is spiking. When you are feeling fear, when things escalate and you find yourself shifting into that fight, flight, or freeze trauma response, your body is feeling surges of adrenaline.

And then when things get so bad that you actually distance yourself from him or he leaves, you feel that excruciating pain, that excruciating aloneness [00:04:00] and emotional pain registers in our body, just like physical pain.

That's why it hurts so damn bad and you are seeking, you're seeking a way to get rid of that pain. Which brings us to those sudden reconnections, either initiated by him or you. And when you do come back into closeness, you get the release of the dopamine and the oxytocin that floods your system and gives your body that full like exhale of, oh, we're safe.

We're not under the stress and the cortisol and the adrenaline and the pain any longer. over time, your, your system is getting used to that cycle. It's organizing itself around that cycle. So when there's chaos, it's followed by relief from this person. When there's distance, there's reunion that comes from this person.

When there's pain, the dopamine is coming from that person to take away the pain. Your body gets used to this cycle feeling, this heightened intensity, and then this [00:05:00] relief. And both of these things are caused by the same person.

So when you try to disrupt this cycle, when you try to change the pattern, your nervous system panics. It's like you're telling your body that, hey, we are, we're gonna choose to just stay in this pain forever. The thing that you are used to taking the pain away. The man that we normally let back in to take the pain away, he's not here anymore.

So your, your body literally panics thinking that you are going to stay in that pain place forever.

And your body's gonna fight back, it's gonna draw you back to the thing that it knows, will take away the pain. Similar to someone who's addicted to drugs and alcohol, trying to give up the drug or alcohol, but not replacing that with anything else to help them manage the pain.

Their body is gonna go back to the thing that they know is gonna take away the pain. And that's the same here.

Your body's trying to keep you safe. It's trying to move towards the thing that will relieve the pain, even though the, the thing that's causing the pain is not [00:06:00] safe. It's not a rational decision that our body's making. It's purely from that nervous system relief stand. So when you go back to the familiar, when you do answer the text message, when you do initiate the outreach, when you do check his social media and start that engagement, it's not because he's your soulmate. It's because your body doesn't know how to regulate without him. That's really important to understand. That's that is the number one unspoken reason that we go back and we stay in trauma bonds, is because our nervous system does not have another way to regulate out of the pain. It's become so accustomed to regulating via him. Okay, so let's, let's simplify this. I wanna give you an example that maybe applies directly or you can pull some things out that would apply in your life. So let's say that you just reunited with your ex after you found him cheating. He was very apologetic and wanted to work on himself. Wanted to work on the two of [00:07:00] you, so you're giving it another go. And after two weeks of things feeling kind of good and you feeling connected to him,

you start feeling that normal anxious thing start to happen in your body and he's acting a little bit weird and he's on his phone a little bit more than you like, and when you look at him on his phone, he immediately puts it down or turns it upside down.

Your body goes into fight or flight and you become very panicky and almost laser focused on needing to catch him in the act.

And when you confront him about these feelings, he says something to the tune of You never trust me. And here you are trying to make problems again. And I thought we were gonna work on our trust, and you're breaking it again. Why can't you just let the past be the past and that causes a big disruption?

He leaves or you tell him to get out, and then there's a separation again. When you are apart, maybe momentarily or for the first day or two, you feel like relief because the asshole is gone and you can't [00:08:00] believe he was doing this again. And of course he did it again because it's him. And then very predictably, you start missing him.

You start thinking about him. You start wondering, you start ruminating. You start checking his social media. You start wanting him to change. Maybe you see him actually move on with a woman, and that really triggers like, well, he can't move on with another woman if he didn't do that for me, that triggers you wanting him back.

And so then there's some sort of reconnection that happens and you feel that reassurance. You feel that relief. You feel that closeness your nervous system softens. You're no longer in the panic hypervigilance, you're no longer in that state of pain. You have him back, and in this moment it feels like relief.

And I know that relief, that relief feels fucking incredible after being in such pain and such a like high nervous system activation for so long to have a moment of relief is like a fucking vacation. And your body is [00:09:00] clocking that. It is, it is noticing the amount of relief that comes. And dopamine is one of the neurochemicals that actually keeps us seeking the thing that feels good.

So when dopamine is, is dumped, it's your body saying, oh, that thing feels good. Keep going towards that. That works.

He is the source of safety, even though he's also the source of danger. Which is where we get into this sticky place because that is what the trauma bond is. So it becomes a very confusing place to be because your body literally thinks that it is survival, that he is the thing that can keep you safe.

And this is why you start thinking about him constantly. When you're apart, you start craving one more connection. You start replaying all of the good memories. You start fantasizing about that closure, about getting some relief from the feelings that you're feeling.

Your body is trying to get what it needs, and from where it knows it can get it from.

There's a [00:10:00] saying that we will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven because there is safety in the familiarity. There is a predictable thing at the end of this that I know I'm getting and that makes me feel safe.

So while you're getting that temporary relief from this person, because of this cycle, what's happening is that you're actually living in this, this overarching chronic anxiety. You are in the emotional hyper vigilance most of the time, right? Minus the, the moment of reconnection. You are feeling shame.

For not being able to let him go from not being over it, from failing over and over again. Because despite the promises and the hope, it never works out the way that he says it's going to. You always go back thinking it will and it never does, and then inevitably you, you isolate right from your friends and your family because.

They see it for what it is. They're not in the, the cocktail of hormones [00:11:00] in neurochemicals that are happening. So they're like, what the fuck are you doing? And you're like, I don't know. I actually don't understand my own actions, my own thoughts, and I don't feel like there's a way out of this. So you pull farther and farther and further back from people who really, genuinely want to help you can help reflect back reality.

But the reality feels too alarming. It feels too much of a threat, and it's really causing you to believe that you're crazy, right? You feel crazy, but you're not crazy. And I want you to hear that

you're just stuck in this, this cycle of dysregulation and finding safety from somebody who can't actually provide sustainable safety.

Here's the thing that I really want you to like mentally circle, highlight, underline star in your mind. You are not addicted to him.

You are attached to the regulation cycle that this trauma bond created.

And [00:12:00] that is a big difference. That is a big, big difference because you are not choosing chaos consciously because you like to hurt yourself. You are chasing what is familiar, what feels safe, what has been proven to relieve the pain that you're in. And so if you don't have another thing that can help you manage the pain to help you regulate your nervous system, you're gonna keep going back to the thing that you know works, even if it's temporary.

This is why just blocking him is not enough oftentimes to solve this bigger regulation issue because when you block him, your nervous system panics and you don't know how to regulate that without him.

So, the issue is actually a deeper wiring. Which is good news, because if your nervous system learned this cycle, then it can unlearn it.

You can retrain your body to find safety without him. He doesn't have to be the sole source of your okayness. You can experience calm [00:13:00] attraction, stable love, emotional consistency, a body that doesn't panic when somebody is sitting next to you and their phone goes off. I want you to think about a healthy relationship and a, and a trauma bonded relationship in terms of a road trip versus a rollercoaster.

The trauma bonded relationship is a rollercoaster. You are going up and down. You are losing your stomach. You are just like euphoric with anticipation. It is really high highs, really low lows. It is fast. It is intense versus a healthy relationship As a road trip. A road trip is exciting. You're still going to cool places.

You are seeing scenic views. You are jamming out to your favorite music. You're stopping and getting your favorite food. You're exploring, you're adventuring, and maybe you're going over some hills or like some mountain passes, but it is not stomach dropping.

You don't feel like you wanna throw up, you don't feel like your nervous [00:14:00] system is getting jacked around on a road trip. You are very relaxed and comfortable in your seat.

Taking it all in. That is what we wanna move towards. We wanna move towards the baseline of safety and comfort with the exciting views and the places to stop versus I need to hold on for dear life 'cause I can't even catch my breath.

When you're on a road trip slash healthy relationship with somebody, I want you just to imagine being able to feel peace instead of obsession. Imagine not feeling this compulsion to check his social media, not check his dms.

Imagine your body not tightening when you think of him. That's not a fantasy. That's not a farfetched reality. That is possible when you can find regulation internally and when you are interacting with a safe person.

But that requires getting off of the rollercoaster. That requires interrupting the trauma bond pattern usually gently and very [00:15:00] intentionally. So to help you make this shift away from the trauma bond so that you're not sending your nervous system into such a panic by trying to do it cold Turkey.

There is a free guide that I put together called the Trauma Bond Breaker.

This guide outlines simple micro shifts that you can start making to ease your system into the change, because you're not gonna break the trauma bond by continuing to shame yourself and judge yourself. This guide is gonna give you these small doable steps that in and of themselves are gonna help you start to build confidence back that you would be able to detach for good.

These are small, doable steps, not dramatic life overalls.

Because we want to gently start moving you towards the place where you can detach safely.

I am really excited about this guide for you because if you're feeling stuck logically knowing that something is not healthy, but finding yourself in his bed again, and that's causing a lot of shame and confusion [00:16:00] and powerlessness and feelings of being out of control in your life,

I know that you need something to help you shift it. I know that you're really wanting something that can help you shift it.

And it's important for me as somebody who's been there to help you achieve the thing that you want to help you be able to find clarity and eventual peace in your nervous system, and peace in your life.

And not continue to live in this place where you are just beating yourself up for going back and staying stuck. So that link for the guide, the trauma bond breaker is in the show notes. It's free.

Please go and download it right now because what you don't need is more willpower. What you do need is an outlined guide of what to do to start to build that regulation and that confidence within yourself so that you can actualize this change.

Okay, and to end the episode, I'm going to pull a card, asking the deck, what is the message that wants to come through this week? [00:17:00] It is the destroyer. Okay. So let me find the destroyer in the book and I'll read to you what it says.

Okay. The destroyer visits you to acknowledge the ending. Perhaps it's the end of the relationship, a job or a dream. The destroyer signals that it is okay and right to let go. To grieve the loss and look towards new beginnings. Destruction is knowing life's natural cycle and accepting that death is necessary for growth and renewal.

Time to let go. It's over. Allow the end to come sense into the completion. Embrace it. Endings are important as beginnings. Spring always follows winter. Be aware of your inner destroyer, the little voice in your head that sabotages you, the one that would have you believe that you can't fully live, create, dream, or succeed.

Although it may have once protected you, it's time to recognize that this type of destruction no longer serves you. Thank it for its work and release it. I did not pre pull that card. I know I say this [00:18:00] after every episode, but like, holy shit. That was so spot on. So spot on. Listen to that back. Receive that message. Go to the show notes, to the trauma bond breaker guide, and when I send the guide, I actually send it personally so we can start a dialogue around what you are experiencing and how I can help support you. This is gonna be so good for you. I know it, I know it in my heart. So until I see you in the next episode or you get an email from me.

Please, please, please remember that you are not alone.