[00:00:00] Brian: Ah, okay. Bye. Sorry, I had to step out. My mom won't stop calling me.

[00:00:14] Angela: Ah, she worried that you're gonna die alone after the breakup?

[00:00:16] Brian: That or I'll miss my peak hot Korean dad window.

[00:00:20] Lisa: Uh, here, let me get you a drink, Brian. Excuse me. Excuse me. Yeah. Can we have another round of Tsingtaos?

[00:00:27] Henry: Hey. I see this as a cause for celebration. To Brian.

[00:00:31] Henry: Hopefully, he'll finally start dating non-white chicks.

[00:00:34] Brian: What's with Kevin, his mom lock him in the basement again?

[00:00:37] Angela: Worse. He's in love.

[00:00:39] Brian: In love? Kevin, who sleeps next to his Nintendo Switch. I'm sorry, but when did this happen?

[00:00:46] Angela: Um, last week, and judging by his appetite tonight, she's been fattening him up.

[00:00:51] Henry: Dude, you ate all the tarot. Not cool, man.

[00:00:54] Kevin: What? Oh, sorry. I didn't realize I was so hungry.

[00:01:01] Brian: Hey, Kevin, thought we lost you there, buddy. How are you feeling?

[00:01:06] Kevin: Oh, I'm so happy.

[00:01:08] Brian: Now is that 'cause of your budding romance or the 17 pounds of beef slices you just put away?

[00:01:13] Lisa: Don't be jealous, Brian. You'll find someone. And of course, it's the new girl in his life. We both know that people get fat when they're in love.

[00:01:21] Henry: Plus, we spent some time in prison, bro, and they only got bologna sandwiches. Nasty.

[00:01:27] Brian: Yo. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You were in prison.

[00:01:37] Kevin: It was last Monday. I was scrolling through my Tinder matches and wedged between basic b****es on camelback and thirst traps in bathroom mirror selfies was where I found her. Jessica. Even the name rolled off my tongue in a tantalizing way. Jessica, a textbook cutie. Her smile left me more paralyzed than the Fortnite blackout.

[00:02:01] Kevin: Jessica, two miles away perpetually cheesing, rocking a Mystique cosplay outfit. It was love.

[00:02:09] Brian: She sounds pretty basic to me.

[00:02:10] Kevin: Now, Brian, I know this might be crazy to you, but this was love at first sight. She was the kind of girl you'd take home to mom and dad and they'd ask, why are you not like Jessica?

[00:02:21] Kevin: She's a good Asian and has an Ivy League degree. Her bios opening line sent me cackling in the Columbus Circle, Starbucks, and everyone turned to look.

[00:02:31] Jessica: Nickname Gillette. 'cause I'm the best a man can get. But if you mess up, I'm gonna cut you.

[00:02:36] Kevin: She had a sense of humor to boot. It went on:

[00:02:39] Jessica: looking for someone to binge Bob's Burgers with and crack open My White Claw

[00:02:43] Kevin: Easy. Okay. I love that show. And I had two very unscathed hands from years of online video gaming. Then came the open invite:

[00:02:51] Jessica: my dad says, I'm a prize, so tell me what you do to win me over.

[00:02:56] Kevin: It was a sign, Brian. She wanted to be pursued. She wanted me to win her.

[00:03:01] Brian: Well, it's just a bio. I mean, do people even take them that seriously? I don't.

[00:03:07] Lisa: OMG. Brian, your bio is everything.

[00:03:11] Henry: It's your only chance to flex that personality.

[00:03:13] Angela: Yeah. Brian over here, hinge Junkie. I've seen his byline. It just says doubles anyone?

[00:03:21] Lisa: Oh no.

[00:03:22] Kevin: You think that's bad? Wait till you hear what Jessica said.

[00:03:29] Jessica: No. Asian. No Asian men.

[00:03:32] Kevin: But how? How could you do this to us, Jessica? My eyes weren't playing tricks on me. I scrolled down and up again, only to see the same scarlet branding on the bottom of the profile. No Asian men. This must have been a joke, right? How could this gorgeous Asian woman be so full of self-directed racism?

[00:03:50] Lisa: Wait, wait, wait. What the f? Does this actually happen? I get so many matches online, not to brag.

[00:03:58] Henry: And there's totally a double standard for Asian dudes like the bottom of the barrel.

[00:04:02] Angela: And according to NPR, Asian women are the most favored group in men seeking women's studies. And most Asian men prefer Latin women. Ack, sorry, I have a lot of unprocessed trauma from Yale.

[00:04:13] Henry: Maybe we can find you a hot mamacita, Brian!

[00:04:17] Lisa: So okay. She's like, no Asian d***. Thank you. And you ghosted her right?

[00:04:23] Kevin: Well, not quite. I sent her a profile to Henry. He gives the best advice on my love life. Dude texted back in under five minutes like the soldier he is.

[00:04:34] Henry: Dude, you can't be racist against your stuff. Right? Or maybe she just got it for that BDE, you know, or it's like, I dunno, like reverse psychology. I, I'd swipe right. Ask her bro.

[00:04:45] Kevin: Jessica, how could you look? So perfect but be so openly racist. Could it be a call for help? True love knows no race, right?

[00:04:53] Kevin: Maybe I could be the one to change things for her, help her love herself. I dragged Jessica's smile across the screen onto the right side where it disappeared into a poof. Jessica hadn't swiped right on me. A raincloud seemed to follow me like an old friend. I was smitten. Jessica might have been racist, but she was the racist that held my heart.

[00:05:17] Angela: I have to say. This is really pathetic.

[00:05:21] Henry: Well, I mean, it's true. When you love someone, it's full cap and sometimes that includes, yeah, I guess if they're internally racist,

[00:05:31] Angela: well, it wouldn't be his responsibility to help her or put up with it, even if he loves her. I mean she, Kevin shouldn't have to do this emotional labor for free!

[00:05:42] Brian: But like, can you call this love though? I mean, infatuation. Maybe, but love.

[00:05:50] Lisa: Stop being negative, Brian.

[00:05:52] Henry: Oh, Brian, you were gonna lose your sh** when you hear when other unreasonable sh** went down.

[00:05:59] Kevin: Later while I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering if Jessica would ever find it in her heart to look beyond race one day, my phone from the nightstand. On the screen, I saw that familiar white hot flame.

[00:06:14] Kevin: It was a match. With Jessica! I opened the chat eagerly. I began to type to the woman I had been waiting for my whole life. Then I realized she was probably hovering over the chat, shy as f***, trying to make her first move. I gave it a few seconds. Then... then I typed, 'Hey, Jessica.' Not too desperate, not too cool.

[00:06:37] Kevin: Three Ys says everything she needs to know. I watched the greeting linger on the page, like an unwelcome guest. f*** f*** f***!. But then Jessica began typing the bubbles percolated for maybe a year in text time. She must've been nervous. Maybe she felt it too. F******* kismet

[00:06:58] Jessica: Hey Kevin. What's keeping you up?

[00:07:01] Kevin: I froze. Think of something witty. Be witty. Just *be* witty. God, uh, thinking about your smile, girl. It's electric. F***. That was dumb. But after a moment, the speech bubbles popped up again.

[00:07:21] Jessica: Aw, thank you. Aw, you're so sweet.

[00:07:25] Kevin: She must have been so nervous. She could barely type. She, she was the cutest. I see your drink of choice is Rose.

[00:07:34] Kevin: I got the perfect place to take you. Free this week? Would love to pick your brain about some stuff.

[00:07:40] Jessica: OMGI love Rose.

[00:07:45] Kevin: As I waited for her reply. The dots just disappeared. Like my childhood; just gone. Jessica had stopped typing. I fell asleep.

[00:07:58] Kevin: The next morning. I woke unmoved from my previous position, cell phone's still in hand.

[00:08:03] Kevin: The clock read 9 26. I was late for work. My phone was buzzing as I ran down the street shoes half on, squashing the heels as I had been instructed not to all my life. Who was I becoming, a savage? Then? I spied the white flame on my phone screen. Jessica wrote back after all! I stopped in my tracks and practically stumbled on the street.

[00:08:28] Kevin: Dare I check the message now? She had only just sent it. I could hear Henry's voice booming in the far recesses of my mind.

[00:08:36] Henry: Don't do it. Not cool bro. You're gonna look like a p****.

[00:08:40] Kevin: I opened the app. It was Jessica.

[00:08:43] Jessica: Hey, I'm so sorry about last night. Was wine drunk and swiped on you by accident? Don't do Asian dudes. So, unmatching you.

[00:08:53] Kevin: I had to know now was my moment. I quickly began typing back, but you know, like, why though? Why no Asian men? I went to send a message, but it bounced back. I hit back to all chats, and then Jessica's photo disappeared. No, no, this couldn't be happening!

[00:09:14] Angela: Okay. Wow. What a b****. Okay.

[00:09:18] Lisa: All right. I mean, she made her preferences super clear. She had a right to ghost him.

[00:09:23] Angela: Yeah, but damn...

[00:09:26] Kevin: The words burned into my psyche the entire afternoon at my desk. There was no way I was gonna get over this until I figured this out. Jessica must have known we were both soulmates, but her self-directed racism was crippling us both.

[00:09:41] Kevin: I will not back down, Jessica. I will fight for us and Asians everywhere. Henry shot me a look across the cubicles. I shot him one back. One that says, I have a plan.

[00:09:54] Brian: See, this would've been the time to pack it in for once I think of agreeing with Brian.

[00:10:01] Angela: I don't know. I, I think I'm starting to see Kevs point. I mean, this is a systemic issue and I can always get behind taking down the patriarchy.

[00:10:08] Lisa: Wow. He was just trying to help her see the light and he was leading with his heart.

[00:10:12] Henry: He wasn't leading with his heart, bro. He was leading with his c***.

[00:10:15] Brian: I just don't understand what incentive there was for you to help him, Henry

[00:10:19] Henry: Bra. Bra do what's horny as f***, man. We both know what that does to the psyche. Am I right? Couldn't let this racist tank him. aite? Asian hates been going on for far too long, man. I'm for the people!

[00:10:32] Kevin: After work. Henry met me at his car.

[00:10:36] Henry: Damn, son. So she wasn't kidding.

[00:10:39] Kevin: Nope. But I think it's a test. Remember how her bio said I had to win her over? I know exactly what we gotta do.

[00:10:46] Henry: We? Who's we? Okay. This is your racist girlfriend we're talking about. Not mine.

[00:10:50] Kevin: Uh, dude, you owe me one. Remember when we had those board exams and I put all---

[00:10:56] Henry: okay. Okay. Just shut your ass up, dude.

[00:10:59] Kevin: So that night Henry and I staked out the local bar called, Live Laugh Love.

[00:11:03] Kevin: I just did a quick search for rose joints and I recognized the sign from Jessica's photo. Hmm, thank you, internets. Wasn't really either of our scene, but they had a copious amount of bubbly on the drinks menu. The bartender, a kind of rough looking chick in cargo pants poured us boujie cocktails over ice.

[00:11:22] Kevin: I explained to her how I'd met Jessica online that she'd flat out ghosted me in some severe binge drinking induced laps of judgment.

[00:11:30] Monica: Dang, that's a stank move. Why no Asian men, though?

[00:11:34] Kevin: We were three melon balls in, and Henry is a super lightweight, so he shouted back without realizing his volume level.

[00:11:41] Henry: Asian dudes are the least desirable. Most to least goes white dudes, black dudes, Hispanic dudes. No dudes. Asian dudes. It's whack, y'all.

[00:11:49] Monica: I honestly don't get it.

[00:11:50] Kevin: I explained that I couldn't give up on love and the chance to change Jessica's mind. Her love of Rose was so strong. She was bound to be here at some point on Friday, and if she didn't, hell, I'd come back next week and the week after that, however many weeks it took, we'd be here.

[00:12:07] Kevin: Because I was hell bent on proving that this no Asian man thing was all a fallacy and that we were meant to be, and Henry loved melon balls. Monica looked at me, clearly scheming.

[00:12:19] Monica: Look, you're about to waste your life trying to catch this chick. What if you made a fake Tinder, like, like a catfish profile of a non-Asian dude?

[00:12:29] Monica: Wouldn't you find her faster? You could just swipe right on her again, hope you match, and then meet in person.

[00:12:36] Henry: Yo. Imagine if you were a white guy. Oh, she'd swipe around all that sh** so fast.

[00:12:41] Kevin: The idea was genius. If we couldn't statistically beat them in this effed up, racist societal standard, then maybe I could join them by outwitting them. I was already quick at work on a new white, Tinder

[00:12:53] Henry: Racist bae. Where you at? Come out. Come out wherever you are. We got rose for you.

[00:12:59] Kevin: I snapped a quick pick at the counter with a neon cursive sign Live, Laugh, Love glowing in the background. Perfect. I ran that sh** through Face App and transformed myself.

[00:13:10] Kevin: A few sliders here and there. A few buttons. Voila. The transformation was complete. When Henry saw my photo, he nearly fell out of his seat.

[00:13:21] Henry: Yo, dude, you're...

[00:13:21] Monica: ...white

[00:13:24] Henry: Bro. Those cheek bones though. What is the name of this app? I'm gonna start using it.

[00:13:28] Angela: Wait... you know what Face App is?

[00:13:30] Henry: Everyone should know what it is. You have to see this photo, dude.

[00:13:33] Lisa: Dang. Kevy. You look like a zaddy. I did the fine- tuning. Thank you very much. Oh. You got those magic fingers, huh?

[00:13:42] Kevin: What should my bio say? I looked at the two of them desperate for help.

[00:13:46] Monica: Well, what you already used worked. So why don't you just write the same sh**?

[00:13:50] Kevin: She made good points.

[00:13:52] Kevin: Maybe I'd add a little something at the top. Okay. Looking for my own rose princess to spend sunny days and fireside evenings, six feet tall. Hobbies include cooking for bay volleyball, and producing music. Trilingual. Karaoke. Go-to track Teresa Teng.

[00:14:10] Henry: Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Yo, f*** that last part, man. F*** that last part. You're a white dude now. Okay? You need to pick something different dog to match the ethnicity. Like Frank Sinatra, white people think he's manly as f***. BDE, bro. BDE.

[00:14:24] Kevin: I quickly stamped out Teresa Teng and scribbled my way by Frank Sinatra. The white version of me had perfect skin, a socially desirable amount of stubble I could never grow, and baby blue eyes.

[00:14:36] Kevin: He rocked a swooping haircut, like the cute guy from Stranger Things and a smile that his parents had paid off in loans. He was legitly Caucasian. Was this what Jessica wanted?

[00:14:47] Monica: Now you gotta start matching. Do you know where she's from?

[00:14:50] Kevin: I explained that she was two miles away from my home.

[00:14:53] Monica: Well, now you gotta go two miles away and start there. Only way to fool the algorithm.

[00:14:58] Kevin: All right. I grabbed Henry, who was now passed out his keys and headed over for his car. Ugh.

[00:15:11] Kevin: Jessica wasn't far away. Now I could feel it. I drove the roads that made up the two-mile perimeter around my house, faster and faster. Phone in my lap, just swiping left. And then just as I was refreshing the people in my area, I saw the light. The light of a squad car, f***. My crotch was lit up like an SOS beacon.

[00:15:33] Kevin: I was definitely getting a ticket. As a cop, moseyed out of his car, toward the Henry-mobile. I propped up Henry who was passed the f*** out. If we got breathalyzed, we'd both be screwed. The cop rolled up to the window casual, and he immediately saw the phone in my lap open to the dating app.

[00:15:50] Officer: Do you realize how fast you were going? I guess not. If you were looking at that while you were driving. Get out of the vehicle and give me that thing.

[00:15:58] Kevin: He pointed to the phone. f***, slowly I got out of the car. The cop looked square into my eyes and just said,

[00:16:08] Officer: ...melon, baller, eh?

[00:16:10] Kevin: I was done for. The cop held my phone while he made me walk around on one foot.

[00:16:15] Officer: Ah, some of the girls are kind of cute, huh? Wow. Lots of gorgeous women.

[00:16:24] Kevin: I turned to find the cop swiping in the dating app, swiping. He continued to narrate his findings as I struggled to keep my cool.

[00:16:31] Officer: Man. This chick is funny. Call me Gillette.

[00:16:37] Kevin: I watched as he hesitated, left, right, left right, his meaty index finger air swiped over the screen as he deliberated.

[00:16:46] Kevin: I realized this was game time. I have to maul him. Would my mom kick me out of the house? Probably. Was I too old to be living there anyways? Yes. Too late. Okay, I lied. Turned on my one foot and propelled myself as fast and hard as I could at him knocking his body and phone to the floor. I grabbed for the device as the policeman began to grabbing me.

[00:17:13] Officer: Oh, so you like her, huh?

[00:17:15] Kevin: He jeered. As he started crawling like an alligator towards my phone. I scrambled towards Jessica's photo on the screen. My finger was trembling as they inch closer to the display As I tried to swipe, the policeman put me in an arm bar as his meaty arm pushed. Harder and harder into my neck, the world around me began to look darker. I was passing out, I flailed, right, right, right, until my fingers just brushed along the screen under the cracked glass. I saw the confetti fly. It's a match! Thank God I could feel the policeman push harder and harder.

[00:17:55] Kevin: And then everything went black.

Marker

---

[00:18:02] Kevin: I woke up later with a bump the size of a pork bun on my head, my shattered phone on the other side of a set of steel bars. I was in prison. Made sense considering I had attacked a cop like a cougar lunges at prey in the wild. In the adjacent bunk, I spotted a vomit-soaked Henry. Thank God he held it in until now. He was locked in a cell with some Indian guy who looked like he walked off the set of Wolf of Wall Street. If brown dudes were in that movie...

[00:18:32] Sanjay: your friend has to decolonize that p****. Look at him with the phone. Sad.

[00:18:37] Henry: I know, I know, I know. That's what I keep telling them. Decolonize the p****.

[00:18:40] Sanjay: That's why I only date white women. It's reverse colonization. I'm buying back the block. Right, right.

[00:18:48] Henry: So how'd the po-po nab you? bar fight? Crazy party?

[00:18:51] Sanjay: Not too sure. The details are quite fuzzy, actually. I think it involved me surfing on the roof of my autopiloted Tesla, which, technically not really illegal, but ill-advised. They got whip sharp acceleration... and then I blacked out. Man, I really need to stop taking those beta blockers.

[00:19:10] Henry: I could never do that in the Nissan.

[00:19:14] Kevin: It was a miracle. The screen was still on and I could see Jessica's photo still up with 'it's a match' plastered over the image. I needed to get that phone back, stat. I appealed to the officer manning the table. 'Yo, my guy. Uh, do you know when we can get outta here? The officer spit out his sunflower seeds.

[00:19:35] Officer: Uh, yeah. Your mom dropped by an hour ago, reporting you missing for not coming home at your 11:00 PM curfew. When she realized you were brought in, she muttered something and paid your bail, and you're gonna be out in the morning.

[00:19:47] Kevin: If I waited that long to get back to Jessica, I'd be done for. 'Well, in that case, you think you could pass me my phone through the bars?

[00:19:55] Kevin: My guy, I have a very important thing I need to attend to.'

[00:19:58] Officer: Um, no, this is supposed to be jail buddy.

[00:20:02] Kevin: 'Ah, I see.' I said, resigned to my fate. I curled up on the floor and waited.

[00:20:10] Brian: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, I thought you said you went to prison.

[00:20:16] Kevin: Yeah, we were in prison for the night.

[00:20:17] Brian: You were in jail. That's totally different.

[00:20:22] Henry: We did time, Brian. You have no idea what we saw on the inside.

[00:20:26] Angela: I doubt you saw that much covered in your own vomit.

[00:20:28] Henry: That is not true, bro. I saw too much even covered in vomit.

[00:20:32] Lisa: Brian. Hey, don't belittle their experience.

[00:20:34] Brian: Okay. But I would just like to point out that jail and prison are two completely different things.

[00:20:40] Henry: We were outlaws ! Ah.

[00:20:47] Kevin: The next morning, I woke up to two officers un handcuffing me. My mom waited on the other side of the bars, my phone in her hand, her laser eyes honing in on me. Henry was crying in his vomit -stained outfit. I could see my mother processing in her head all the way she could creatively murder me and then dispose of my body. The cell door slid open, and I jumped into my mom's arms.

[00:21:10] Kevin: 'Oh, mom. Thank you for picking me up. I love you. How can I ever repay you?'

[00:21:16] Anita: You can give me back the $2,500 it took to get you two out of here. You bum.

[00:21:21] Kevin: That's it? They're not pressing charges.

[00:21:23] Anita: No. Lucky your mama can out haggle all of Flushing. Negotiation was easy. I told them you are a good Asian son who doesn't have the strength to fight anyone, especially with all your video game time. Very lazy. Yeah, not a threat at all.

[00:21:41] Anita: Wait, is that Henry Pasha? Is he crying?

[00:21:47] Henry: I ain't cryin'. Mrs. Lou. It's just mad dusty in prison.

[00:21:51] Brian: Jail. You were in jail.

[00:21:54] Henry: Same difference. But he's lying. I wasn't crying. I have seasonal allergies. If you finished med school, Brian, you'd understand that, bro.

[00:22:05] Angela: Ooh, love me. A subtle burn.

[00:22:10] Anita: Aiya! Stop being a p****, Henry. Just keep it together until we get home. Is that a melon ball?

[00:22:19] Kevin: It was. I held her tighter. Knowing an Asian mom's kryptonite is love. 'Thank you, mom. I will pay you back, I promise. Hey, by the way, is that phone charged?'

[00:22:30] Anita: No! It's dead. And so are you until we settle this debt.

[00:22:35] Kevin: When we got home, I crawled onto my bed and pulled out my cash box hidden under the frame.

[00:22:40] Kevin: Inside, I barely counted $2,370. It would have to do. All the cash I had to my name, but winning the heart of the girl of my dreams and making things right would be worth it. I forked it over to my mom, who expertly began counting the bills. She set the phone down in front of me, her hand's still on top of it.

[00:23:00] Anita: No more drinking and s*xting though. Nice girls don't like it that way!

[00:23:04] Kevin: But I wasn't s*xt--

[00:23:06] Anita: --eh, don't lie to your mother!

[00:23:07] Kevin: Okay. No more s*xt and drive.

[00:23:10] Anita: Mm, good.

[00:23:12] Kevin: As soon as she was done leafing through the bills, she relinquished my phone. I grabbed that sh** and ran straight to my room. I threw my phone on charge, checking every few seconds if it had enough juice to send Jessica a message.

[00:23:27] Kevin: Finally, the screen popped with light, and the interface started to load. I wasn't far now. The phone had opened up where I had left off right on the dating app. I went into my messages thread. There was a new one from Jessica! She had messaged me! Game on. I opened it up.

[00:23:46] Jessica: Hey Kevin, I love your photos. Looks like you know how to have a good time. We should go on a wine tour, Winky face.

[00:23:55] Kevin: That was six hours ago. I had to act fast.

[00:23:58] Henry: Be witty!!!

[00:23:59] White Kevin: Uh, sure, nothing would make me happier. Hey, I know just the place to take you. Free this week?

[00:24:09] Jessica: Friday looks good for me. What about you, Kev?

[00:24:13] Kevin: She was already giving me nicknames and sh**.

[00:24:15] Kevin: And a Prime Friday date. I'd already started typing.

[00:24:19] White Kevin: I'll check my schedule. I think I have a work event, but I could always skip it for you, man. My white alter ego was a combo smooth and psychopathic. Like Patrick Bateman.

[00:24:30] Jessica: Great. Here's my number.

[00:24:31] Kevin: I had her in my pocket. On date night, I rolled up to Live, Laugh, Love a half hour early. That would be more than enough time to throw some elbows and make sure we got the table that we wanted.

[00:24:43] Kevin: The bartender that I had met last time was there. Pouring rose after rose for the packs of women who flocked to the venue.

[00:24:50] Monica: Hey, you're the catfish. How's it going? What happened the other night? Y'all were trashed when you left.

[00:24:57] Kevin: Yeah, it ended up being a pretty rough night, but hey, I hooked her.

[00:25:01] Monica: Is that why you're here? Oh my God, that's so exciting. I can't wait.

[00:25:07] Kevin: Yeah, I told her to ask about our table at the bar, so just send her over when she gets in. Do you got any candles?

[00:25:14] Monica: I've got a few fake ones. We've had issues with open flames. Apparently, a lot of hair extensions are highly flammable.

[00:25:23] Kevin: As I arranged the candle, I looked at the table, all decked out, thought, damn, if this doesn't win her, nothing will.

[00:25:31] Kevin: At 8: 55, I heard the bartender say, 'yep, and he's right over there.'

[00:25:38] Kevin: We both did a double take. Jessica looked... Busted, like swollen. Her skin and the shape of her face was completely different than what she had posted online and she looked like a completely different person. 'Jessica? You look--'

[00:25:56] Jessica: you ain't white!

[00:25:58] Kevin: Well, you don't look like your photo either.

[00:26:00] Jessica: Uh, it's called face-tune. Everyone uses it from time to time, even Rihanna.

[00:26:06] Kevin: Well, that's what I use too, so.

[00:26:10] Jessica: This is why I don't date Asian men. Ugh, I'm leaving. Wait, is that Moet?

[00:26:16] Kevin: Maybe? Does that mean you'll stay to talk about this? Listen, the reason I did all this was because I want to know why you don't date Asian men. Does this catfishing thing happen to you a lot?

[00:26:29] Jessica: No. You would be the first to take it to this level. I don't date Asian men because they're always so serious. They treat everything like we're gonna get married, and I just wanna have fun and be trashy and low key want someone to take me to nice places 'cause I sure as hell can't afford this bottle.

[00:26:45] Jessica: Asian dudes are always too frugal, always planning for the future, always trying to save for a car or a wedding, or for family. My last boyfriend was Japanese, and he was just too ...nice and ultra protective. He'd never leave me alone.

[00:27:05] Jessica: Nico, I don't need you to defend my honor, right now!

[00:27:08] Nico: Hai...

[00:27:10] Jessica: all love. We still share a lease. I wanna date on no strings attached. Expensive ass douche bag, a bad boy with no sense of budgeting just for once.

[00:27:21] Kevin: Well, that's fun and all, but it's not meaningful. Don't you prefer someone to treat you well? I mean, maybe you'll change your mind if, if we spend some time...

[00:27:30] Jessica: Okay, there you go again. Assuming you know what I want and how I feel, you, wait a minute. Are you that guy I drunk swiped on like a week ago?

[00:27:39] Kevin: Yeah, I am. So what? I fought for, what I thought could be true love and to vanquish internalized self racism. Is that a crime?

[00:27:49] Jessica: Okay. It's kind of sweet and I totally get it. F*** racism, but also like, impersonating someone is probably crime, and this is definitely fraud.

[00:27:59] Kevin: We sat there sipping the rose for a long time. We ended up talking a bit, and as it turned out, we could never really be compatible. And you know what? That's okay 'cause I followed my heart. Some people are ready for love and will find it, because their arms are open, and some people are looking for a good time and a free glass of rose.

[00:28:17] Kevin: And to that, I say 'you do you, girl.' After everyone had left the bar, Jessica got up and turned to me. She left me with,

[00:28:26] Jessica: you know, Kevin, you're a great guy. You take things too literally sometimes, but you're great nonetheless. Any girl would be an idiot to pass up an evening with you or the promise of several evenings, but I just need to embrace my thotumn.

[00:28:40] Jessica: Thanks for understanding my needs.

[00:28:42] Kevin: That was the last time I saw my Jessica. No longer the apple of my eye, but a fleeting thirst trap. I began packing up all the stuff I'd brought to the date. The bartender tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around catching the closest glimpse of her I'd ever seen. She had great freckles and a pretty smile despite her rough dress.

[00:29:02] Monica: How'd it go?

[00:29:04] Kevin: Not too great. Jessica and I weren't meant to be.

[00:29:07] Monica: Ugh, that's horrible.

[00:29:09] Kevin: She put her hand on top of mine and said.

[00:29:11] Monica: You know what, Kevin, you gave it your all, and sure, it might have been unreasonable at times, but you fought for what you thought was love. You would make anyone very happy. I'm sure of it.

[00:29:26] Kevin: Between our hands radiated the warmth of a thousand sons.

[00:29:31] Kevin: What was your name? I don't think I caught it. I asked Monica, she said. Monica. I looked at her, and she looked at me, Monica.

[00:29:43] Brian: Wow. See, my therapist would say, this seems like pretty unreasonable behavior for one Tinder swipe.

[00:29:50] Lisa: He was in love. Brian, you know you do crazy things when you're in love. Oh my God.

[00:29:55] Lisa: Someone should make this into a movie.

[00:29:58] Henry: Yo. I just want everyone to know that prison was mad tough. Okay. And I did not throw up on myself like he said. I did not do that. I ain't a lightweight, no.

[00:30:04] Brian: Jail.

[00:30:05] Angela: Ugh, whatever. Melon ball. Okay. I hate to say this, but it seems like all of the problematic behavior paid off. So, when are we meeting Monica?

[00:30:15] Kevin: Oh, at the couple reveal. We're throwing a party and you're all invited.

[00:30:19] Lisa: Oh, this is so cute. I can't wait. Oh my God. Let's take a selfie to commemorate this beautiful moment, Henry. Take my phone. Take my phone!

[00:30:28] Henry: Alright. Finger hearts up. Say 'couple reveal.' Couple reveal.

[00:30:38] Angela: Okay. So who do you think is the top in that relationship? Hmm.

[00:30:43] Lisa: Hard to tell, but I have a feeling it's not Kev, based on how Henry describes her style.

[00:30:49] Angela: You've got those magic fingers, huh?

[00:30:52] Henry: Oh, can you stop? Don't even go there. Seriously, I was just teasing. I'm not attracted to Henry. Okay. Yeah, he got some looks, but I'm gonna give him that and look, I mean, Henry's just--

[00:31:04] Angela: --too busy waiting in line to buy a Supreme- branded brick to have a girlfriend.

[00:31:08] Lisa: Exactly. Well put. He can be sweet, though. Have you ever seen him with his auntie? So cute. I remember at graduation that he helped her through the stadium so she could get the best seat for a photo.

[00:31:22] Angela: Oh yeah. I remember you telling me that. I always forgot you went to school together. Oh. Um, do you mind if I stop in here? I'm, I'm just gonna be a few seconds. I promise my mom I'd pick up some Lotus leaves.

[00:31:34] Lisa: Yeah, girl. No worries. Thanks.

[00:31:43] Dylan: Hey.

[00:31:45] Angela: Uh, hi.

[00:31:45] Dylan: Uh, sorry. This is kind of awkward.

[00:31:49] Angela: Uh, hi. Are, are you... talking to me?

[00:31:52] Dylan: Yeah. Hey, sorry, if, if you're in the middle of something, I just couldn't help but tell you that you are so beautiful. Probably one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen in my life. You're like strikingly gorgeous in a Tim Burton-y way.

[00:32:09] Angela: Oh, uh, thank you?

[00:32:11] Dylan: You're welcome. I just wanted to compliment you. I was wondering if you don't mind me asking, where are you from?

[00:32:17] Angela: Uh, I'm from around ...here?

[00:32:20] Dylan: Oh, yeah, no, I know that. But I mean, like, you know, where are, where are you *from*? Like your family, you know, originally--

[00:32:32] Angela: Oh, where I'm from, from. You really wanna know?