andrea (00:00)

If you've wondered, how the hell did I end up in such a toxic and unhealthy marriage? And I'm such a smart person. What the hell was I thinking? I've got you. And this mini episode of How Not to Suck a Divorce is just for you.

have you ever looked back at your marriage and thought, how did I not see this?

What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe you're just at the beginning process of your divorce, or maybe you're mid-divorced, maybe you're at the end of your divorce, maybe you're already divorced and you're still sitting here stuck in this place of what the fuck was I thinking? Or maybe you've thought, I'm like educated, I'm smart, I'm successful, I solve problems for a living.

So, how did somebody like me end up in a marriage that so slowly but steadily chipped away at my confidence? If you have ever asked yourself that question, I want you to hear me. Your intelligence, it's not what failed you. And that's because unhealthy relationships don't usually begin unhealthy.

Obviously, right? Nobody goes on a first date and thinks, you know what? You know what? I cannot wait to spend the next decade of my life being manipulated, criticized, or walking around on eggshells. Right? I mean, can you imagine? But I mean, God, if we did that, what a diet. What a diet, what a cardio plan. But no, that is not how it happens. The toxicity

happens slowly. It it starts with the one comment that kind of goes in one ear and out the other. It's the one apology that you accept, even though you feel like that doesn't really feel good. The one bad day that turns into several bad days. And then your mind starts to do something really interesting. Psychologists have a word for this. They call it normalization. And it's when our brains adapt

To what becomes familiar, even when it's not healthy, especially when it's not healthy. When these changes happen little by little, it's much harder for us to recognize them versus everything changing overnight, because that's obvious. Then something else happens that's really powerful. You start to remember the person that you fell in love with because they're still there underneath.

All of the shit, right? Well, sometimes they're still there. And maybe all of a sudden they're really lovely and charming and loving for a week or a day or a few hours. Maybe they apologize and it feels good. Maybe they're affectionate and you embrace that affection because you so badly need it.

Maybe they promise to get better, they promise to go to counseling, and you catch a glimpse of that person you married, and your brain will say, There they are, that's the real them. And so you stay, and you don't stay because you're weak. You stay because you're hopeful. And hope is one of the strongest emotions we have as humans.

And I think it's actually something that we as successful, I like how I just said we, I'm lump lumping myself in with all of the successful people. But it's something that I think we as successful people struggle with more than most because us successful people are problem solvers.

We're used to figuring things out. If something at work isn't working, we build a strategy. If the business hits a rough patch, we pivot. If our kid is struggling, we research all the possible solutions and then we find the best solution. We are hardwired to believe that effort produces results. So when our marriage falls apart, we don't think, well, maybe this relationship can't be fixed. We think

Maybe I just haven't found the right solution yet. Maybe if I communicated better, maybe if I were more patient, maybe if I stopped bringing things up, maybe if I got another book, which I have to tell you, this is embarrassing to admit, but I bought, I bought so many books on intimacy.

when I was in my first marriage, because that was a big, that was a big issue. And I think looking back, like, I remember buying this one book in particular. I feel like it was like an Australian author, and I don't know how I knew that. But I remember buying it and thinking like that's it. This book, this book is gonna make such a difference. And and it did not.

but I had so much stock in that book. Really thinking like, we can apply these things and it's gonna, this is what we were missing. We're gonna go to one different kind of couples therapist who's gonna be the wizard of relationship oz and everything's gonna get fixed. No. Maybe if I just love them a little bit harder, no. And that mindset that we have that can actually be an incredible strength.

In our lives, but it can also be the very thing that keeps us stuck because relationships are not businesses. Getting a divorce is a business. The marriage, a marriage can be a business, but the relationship itself is not a business. And you cannot fix a marriage by yourself. There's another reason why us smart and successful people stay longer than we should.

And that's because leaving isn't just an emotional decision. It's a financial decision. It's a parenting decision, a housing decision. For some of us, it could be a career decision, a family decision, a religious decision, a safety decision. I mean, the list goes on and on. And I think for a lot of people, when someone asks, Well, why didn't you just leave? They're thinking,

That it was just one decision. And in reality, you're trying to untangle an entire life that you had. It's so much bigger than what so many people think it is. And there's one other thing that we have not touched on that's huge. And it's the shame.

Shame is something that I struggle with so significantly.

I struggle with the shame of I should have known better. How could I have let this happen?

Why did I stay for so long in a place that was so bad? Why did I let my children hear and see things that they should not have heard and seen? Why did I let myself get to the point where I was a shell of myself? I still struggle with that, you guys. I still have times where I even think for

You know, all of you listeners, I think what if there are times where people think like, My God, Andrea has this show and she's dishing out this guidance and support, but what the fuck was she thinking? Yeah, what the fuck was I thinking?

I I I made so many mistakes and I still let the shame eat at me. I have so much shame surrounding so much of my first marriage, things that led up to my first marriage, things that happened after. I mean, the the panic disorder, the fact that I still struggle with a panic disorder.

Is so shameful and it's so deep. And that is the thing that will keep us stuck in this bad place. So if you take away one thing that you have heard me say, is that some of the smartest and most accomplished and most capable people have a lot of shame. And some of these same people find themselves in really unhealthy relationships. And it's not because we lack intelligence, it's

Because we're human. It's because we love and want so badly to be loved in return. Because we hope, because we forgive, because we see potential, and because we believe that people can change. And those are all amazing qualities to have. The challenge, I think, is learning where those qualities serve us and where they're keeping us in a place where we no longer belong.

And that shame is us punishing ourselves for something that we just have to let go of. So if this episode feels personal to you, I want you to stop asking yourself, how could I have been so stupid? I want you to start asking yourself, what was I believing that made staying make sense at that time? Because the answer to that question.

Will not lead you to shame. It'll lead you to understanding. And understanding, I think, is the first step to letting the shame go. And understanding is almost always where the healing begins. And I'm going to take my own advice and I'm going to work on this too this week. So work on it with me. And you know what? Send me a message.

Send us a message at hello at how not to suck at divorce dot com and let me know how this is working for you. Let me know that I'm not alone as I work through the shame because it's hard.

Want you to do one other favor for me. If this episode spoke to you, and if you haven't yet, can you follow our show? Can you hit that little plus sign at the top if you follow on Apple Podcasts or the follow button on Spotify or wherever you follow, that little subscribe button means so much to us. And like we tell you every single episode, you know that divorce is a marathon. It's not a sprint. And what we mean by that is.

Pace yourself.

You can't just blaze right through this thing. Pace yourself. There are going to be days that feel a lot easier than others. There are going to be days that feel really yucky and hard. We're here for you every single one of these days. If you need to listen to this particular episode over and over again, okay, do it. It's free. It's here for you. The divorce meditations are coming out really soon.

I promise they're going to be so incredible and help you, I think, so much throughout your divorce journey. I'm really proud of that product. Join the private community. Get on the mailing list. If you don't already have the divorce crash course, get the divorce crash course. We're doing everything that we can to help you.

And support you through such a challenging process. But know this, you are going to make it to the other side of this thing. I know that you will. I promise you that you will. On the days when you don't think you can do it, hear this, hear my words. You are going to get through this. Divorces do not last forever. They don't. You're gonna be just fine. I promise.

I promise you, you are going to be just fine. You've got this, and we have got you.