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Hello, my name's Patrick, and I'm a scream queen. I'm a scream queen, and so are you. Hello again, my beautiful screamers, and welcome to another episode of Scream Queens. It's the podcast where horror gets gay. This is episode 1512, and tonight we are traveling back to the fabulous year of 1973 for a delightful yet unaWP[;'/-=pologetically weird horror comedy that somehow time forgot. We are talking about the old dark house horror comedy of Arnold, starring Stella Stevens and Roddy McDowell and a cast of fabulously kitschy character actors the 1970s ever assembled in one place that wasn't the Love Boat. It's a timeless tale of love and marriage and money and murder. You know, all the good stuff. But wait now. Hold your horses, everybody, because before we do any of that, please, please, please allow the old queen to introduce herself. My name is Patrick Walsh, and For the past 16 years, it has been my honor to be your guide through the weird and wonderful world of horror movies. Except I make you see them through my very, very gay little eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha. Hey, everybody, welcome. Welcome back to Scream Queens. I'm so glad that you're able to be here with me today of all days, it being a very special day at all. But you know what? You know it's the last episode of Scream Queens. I know it's the last episode of Scream Queensland, but I have started and restarted recording this segment so many times now that I think what I'm gonna have to do is call upon my Irish Catholic upbringing and repress everything for as long as humanly possible just so I can get through. So we're gonna pretend like it's any normal show and there's absolutely nothing different about it at all. We all know it's a special party, right? So let me tell you a little secret. For this party, I got something extra special. Because what going away party would be complete without your very own poseable corpse? What do you mean, what poseable corpse? I'm talking about Arnold. What do you mean? Who's Arnold? Arnold, the title character from today's movie. What, you've never heard of Arnold? Well, that's actually understandable, because as fabulous as today's movie is, it's been forgotten. It has slipped through the cracks and the floorboard of time up until a few months ago when Vinegar's fidden decided, you know what this batshit crazy little movie needs? A gorgeous Blu Ray Release. And now here we are. Because remember last time I told you that I wanted to dedicate these final episodes to doing the kind of episodes I loved best to do. And my absolutely favorite thing to do for the past 16 years started with the crapshoot episodes. When I would be out there hunting through those, through that massive shit pile of direct to video horror movie releases in search of that diamond, that little piece of gold. I could say, look, I found something great that nobody's heard of and it's just for us. Now normally that meant discovering a new movie, but however, I think it's totally applicable here. So I am ending my run as the queen of scream queens with one last crapshoot recommendation from the bottom of my cold, dead little heart. That is Arnold from 1973. But Patrick, I haven't seen it. Yes, yes, I know you haven't seen it. I know you haven't seen it. Most people haven't. You need to check your show notes. In the show notes there is a link to a gorgeous print on YouTube. It is free. Go over there and watch it. Watch it before you listen to the rest of the episode because I guarantee you are going to love Arnold. Because if you. Because if you're the kind of person who likes a classic, spooky old dark house style gothic horror comedy, but you also love tacky 1970s kitsch, well then you, my friend, are gonna have the biggest, weirdest movie boner for Arnold. And I don't want you sitting through this episode without that boner. So you go watch that movie right now and you come back with that boner and then we can proceed. Okay, this got weird. But you know what? I'm sticking to it. Did you really think I was gonna have a going away party for myself without a boner check? Well, you thought wrong. But you better hurry because now the end is near. It's time to face my final curtain. And it's a funny thing, right here, right now, at this very moment in time, I can see what is behind my final curtain. Do you know what waits behind the final curtain for me? Stella Stevens in a push up bra. That doesn't sound so bad. Let's do this. Bring on Trey. Bring on. And let's talk about Arnold from 1973.

Arnold, piece of scream. He really took care of his family.

Arnold gave his bride a honeymoon she'd never forget. May heaven have mercy on my soul.

All it takes, I suppose, is a bit of dusting off now and then.

Arnold gave his widow some vanishing cream.

That goo was a Real wrinkle remover indeed.

Arnold gave his brother a brand new suit.

Says buttons is all that was left of him.

Porter Arnold gave his sister a room of her own.

When you're a skilled criminologist like myself, it's as plain as a nose on your pretty little face.

Arnold gave his unfaithful wife and her handsome lover togetherness.

See Stella Stevens, Roddy McDowell and Arnold.

In Arnold, you'll die laughing.

So here we are, it's the final episode of Scream Queens. And, you know, it was a really hard decision, like, how am I going to go out? How am I going to end of this show? And as many of you know, for a while I was like, it's gotta be the biggest razzle dazzle, hotsy, totsy, flashy, splashy finale ever. And then I'm like, you know what? I don't have the energy for that anymore. I don't know if my brain is gonna be able to keep up with that. So I said, sid, I think I just wanna spend these last few episodes hanging out with some of my favorite people. And whatever we talk about is totally cool. It's the final episode and so I have faved two of my favorite guests and I found the perfect movie for both of them. So I'm very excited. One of the reasons they're my favorite guest, but they're two people that I adore in real life anyway, but also they've been hugely influential on the show since the beginning and been supportive and as listeners and his fans. And one of them is like my cheerleader in real life every goddamn day anyway, so it would be, it would be, it would be such a non mitzvah to have him on the show. I'm babbling, so I think it's time to bring him on. You know him, you love him. One is that sexy man, formerly from Texas, who's also my co host on Damn You, Uncle Lewis! And the other is everybody's favorite fraidy Cat. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and Girls and my GNCs, wherever you may be, please welcome back to the Scream Queenz Studio Trae Dean and Doug Shapiro.

I love you.

Hail, hail, the gang's all here.

I love you.

I'm so excited. The reason I wanted these two back for the episode start with the fact that I love them. This is the first time I matched guests and all of a sudden, when I put these two together, the episode wind up being greater than the sum of his parts.

Trey's got great parts, he's got fabulous parts.

I made a good Yenta match. It was a good yenta match. You guys clicked, and it was magic. And every time I put you guys together, it's fabulous. And so this is a great way to go up.

Aw, Be fun. You get to go out along with Stella Stevens and Roddy McDowell.

Yeah. With the goofiest, gayest gay as possible. But we. Trading, trading, trading, trading. You know, what's going on with you? Who's mining the store? Who's mining the very curious curio shop over at Dammy Wonka Lewis? Because if I'm here and you're here, then who's mining the store?

I left a message with Maya. I made sure she has the access code. She should be able to get in the store. Vita will let her in. Vita's a night shift.

Well, those two have been in cahoots for a while now, ever since the wedding. But that's not the point right now. Yeah. So, yeah, Trey is my co host over at Damian Wonka Lewis, the Friday the 13th, the series podcast, which will be continuing on. Which has been moving to the mainstream and going public later on in the year. But that's. We're not talking about that now. Trey, what's going on with you? Tell me something exciting. Tell the listeners something cool. What's going on in the life of Trey Dane right now?

Well, it's a joke between all of us before is an old Elvira joke, because you and I love ourselves. Elvira. So I work at a hospital, and I was walking through the ER and I just heard a doctor walk up to a patient right as I passed him by, and he looks down at her and goes, oh, how's your head? Pauses. I walk past him, and I'm very proud that I did not yell out. I haven't had any complaints yet.

Trey, we have enough problems with you and hr. We don't need it at the new hospital as well. You could have answered severed. That would have been a proper answer for the emergency room.

True. But just. That was just. The timing was perfect. He asked that and nothing else, just as I passed by.

Oh, that was all he needed to know about you, Trey. That was all he needed to know.

Oh, he was sending me a signal.

Apparently, he has not been reading the writing on the bathroom wall, because everybody else knows in the hospital.

I've only been there five months. I have to.

Well, you know what? Oh, wow. Only me.

I was gonna get a job in this town somehow.

Whose voice is that? Oh, my God. Hi, Doug Shapiro. How are you?

I love you.

It's been A thousand years since you've.

Been here and I love you a thousand more.

I know. But you're worth, you're worth the wait. You're worth the wait. What, what, what has been going on in the life of Doug Shapiro? Tell, tell the people what has been happening. Exciting. Fill them in on the live.

Please don't make me talk about Peru. God, I just don't want to talk about Peru.

Oh, my God. That's right. God. You just got back from Peru. How was your trip to Peru?

Oh, yes, that's right. I did just get back from Peru. I did a 2 week Spanish in spent intense. I lost my English, but I got my espanol. It was great. It was. Yeah, of course the food's wonderful, but like for two weeks I was just doing one thing, just studying Spanish. And the teachers were so cool because they'd find out what I was a geek about and they'd like flex the lessons towards that. I'll give you a small example. So I had like a one on one teacher. She was amazing. Towards the end of the day, there was grammar, then conversation, then one on one. So she found like, I started off on like this sort of tangent. Shoebox, soapbox. The soapbox that I get on of. If you want to be a good actor, you really need to know what people in other fields are doing. So you got to make sure that you want to know what's going to the costume shop. So if they spent like an hour on a certain costume piece that you're showing it off when you're on stage, et cetera. So she clocks out. The next day I come in, she's got a whole PowerPoint made up and each slide has the job of someone in theater in Spanish. And she goes, all right, talk about it. And like, you know, the scene designer says, jesseiro Escenario. And I fought my way to the end of the sentence because I was such a geek about it. It was really, really neat. So I approve of Peru. It can stay.

I also approve of approval, but I prefer more of dessert. You know, after you serve your franch bread, Franche fries, France fries for dessert. Peru.

But I couldn't find Coco Peru anywhere I looked.

Oh, well, you know what, she got kicked off that show. So, you know, never mind. Anyway, we're not talking about Coco Peru. We're not talking about Paddy Tiber. We're not talking about any of these things. We're here to actually talk about a movie. We're talking about a mo that was lost in time, that had Been forgotten about until Vinegar syndrome. Like burst it back out on the scene. We're talking about the movie Arnold from 1973. Doug Shapiro, it has been a thousand years since you've been here. Hence it is your job. Nay, it is your duty. It's your secret duty to give me a nice tight 30 second plot summary of the movie. Arnold, don't panic. Fuck says no. Ah, mother.

Okay, so here we are. So there's a funeral, and then you find out it's also a wedding. So the body of Arnold ends up married to his mistress. There are a bunch of suspects that aren't happy about it. And it goes through a whole thing of wanting to be murdered by death, but doesn't quite get there. People die. There's a song.

There is. There's a song. There's a song. No, he can't. He's called me like five times today, singing the song. It's a true story. Yes, that's good. I will accept all that trading. Is there anything that you'd like to add to that?

Yeah, actually, I have a long history with this movie. This was a movie where I remembered a piece of it as a kid. Never knew what it was for. So for years and years I remembered some movie with people like a who done it thing. And it had a woman being driven onto a cemetery and she was riding on the top of the car singing a song. And it was like the guy's name, which was the name of the movie. And that's all I could remember forever until something happened. And then I saw the Vinegar syndrome trailer with that and I was like, that is. It's Arnold. So I finally, after like decades of wondering what the fuck this movie was, now I know. And like I said, my memory was not exactly accurate, but still say, thank you, Patrick.

Well, he already owned it.

He already owned it.

He owned it before I saw it. We had a conversation. So he found it before I did. My summary is Stella Stevens plays Karen. She's a nice girl who, well, she comes down with a sudden case of gold digging. So she marries a dead guy in a crazy get rich quick scheme to swindle his relatives out of their will. But it turns out this movie is one of my favorite conceits. It's a house full of rich, eccentric cunts who cannot stand each other and spend the whole movie conniving each other and trying to kill each other. And they all do. And it all happened. And I'm happy. It's a great. It's a wow. It's a Wild film. It's wild.

It is.

I found myself many times like a comedy. And you guys are going to know the names of these characters better than I, but, like a combination of, like, the woman from Poltergeist who screams, what's happening? And sassy gay friend who's like, what? What? What are you doing? And there's one where I was, like, standing up, like, walking, because I made my husband watch it with me the first time. Like, standing, walking around in a circle. Like, I don't know what's going on. What? What?

What? There's a lot going on in this movie, and it's not just the plot, because the cast is bananas. This cast is bananas. The cast is also gay. Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Everything going on here is great. Why are we the cast? Who's the cast? Tell me some great things. The cast. Tell me great people in the cast.

I forgot. I kept forgetting. Farley Granger is in it. Farley Granger. Oh, you have Jamie Farr from mash.

Oh, poor Jamie Farr. How unfortunate you can't do that on television anymore.

Oh, but you have. You have Roddy McDowell, Elsa Lancaster, the writer. Frankenstein, Ding dong Patrick from the future.

Here, of course, the actress's name is Elsa Lanchester, not Elsa Lancaster. No, of course I'm correcting Trey's mistake in post. However, I knew it was wrong when he said it on the show. Yet for whatever reason, I chose not to correct him. And years later, when I look back at this moment, I'll say that was the moment that it all began to go wrong. If only I just said Trey. That's not correct. This is how you say her name. Then maybe I could have fixed things, because by not correcting the mistake then I allowed Trey to plant a seed in my head, a seed that would grow into an editing nightmare. But don't worry, it's not going to affect you. This tale of terror is playing out behind the scenes. And a little ditty that I like to call the Unnaming of Elsa. What's her name? Bing Bong. Back to the show.

Stella Stevens.

Ronnie goddamn McDowell.

Roddy McDowell.

Roddy McDowell. What really matters? And Victor Buon was there with Elsa Lancaster.

Bing Bong. See, now Doug's doing it, too. How quickly the infection spreads. Bing Bong. So the cast is bananas, the plot is bananas, the design is bananas, and the whole thing, it's. It's a classic gothic, old, dark house horror comedy. It's that classic feel, but everything's off. I feel like this was influenced by Dr. Phibes yes, because it's got that. It's got that craziness just for Doug, because I know he went blank. It's one of. Educate Me, Vincent Price's most famous roles where he plays this guy who comes back from the dead, so to speak, to avenge the death of his wife. And he gets revenge on the surgeons who let her die on the operating table. There's 10 of them. He kills them off according to the 10 plagues of Egypt, frogs, and. Yeah, crazy things like that too. It had that kind of a feel to it. But on the other hand, I also saw the like. I also see that saw pulled a lot from this too.

Definitely saw. Arnold kept the cassette. Local cassette tape manufacturer in business.

Yeah. At some point we got to talk about the sound system.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. He has a coffin that's also a boombox, which I think is fabulous. It's great for the beach.

Yeah.

But it is very saw.

I never saw sore.

It's just. It's just that it's. Because it's. It's the tapes and also that he has somebody helping him from the. Like, from beyond the. He's. He has a live person helping him.

Yeah. Well, that's it. Because all the deaths are sort of seem to be engineered by Arnold. And the disjointedness of it was that you could almost like interchange so many scenes together as just people dying with very little narrative thread a through line. So it felt like you could just kind of randomly shuffle this around and it wouldn't make a damn difference.

No, no, not really. But what else are we gonna say? The other thing that I think is fabulous. The whole thing is produced by Bing Crosby.

Yes, I noticed that.

This makes no sense.

Well, it doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. It's not directly produced by Bing Crosby. It was produced by Bing Crosby. They took. Here's the thing that's fun. They said, I was watching on the Blu Ray. They have the little commentary. They said, well, they changed the name of the company from Bing Crosby Productions to bcp because whenever people saw Bing Crosby Productions, they thought it was gonna be a musical. I said, you know what else really helps people think that your movie's not gonna be a musical? Not opening it with a musical number.

How do I love thee? Just you wait and see.

Arnold.

Arnold.

And let me count the ways through the nights and days Arnold, you and me, darling Arnold. Warm, sweet Arnold.

Especially musical where the people aren't singing.

Because why not? Because. Why not?

So Many questions.

So many questions. And also the fact that I thought it was Stella Stevens singing, since she's the focus of the scene. It's not.

It's Jocelyn.

Shani Willis.

Yeah. Who played Nancy in Oliver.

That's how I know her, because I love Oliver as a little kid, I was like, that's Nancy. I know her. The movie.

And you're gonna find that the theme song of this movie goes really, really well into as Long As He Needs Me.

Trey doesn't know his musicals, but he loves his orphan kid musicals. He loves Annie, and he loves Oliver.

Y. Yeah. So those are the movies I know. So if you. If you talk about all of the movie, I was like, shannon, I learned something today.

I can't wait to tell my new things to pull from on the other show. We drive Drake crazy. One of the things I love about this movie right off the bat is, like, the opening shots when we're in this graveyard church yard set, we are clearly not in reality. We are clearly on a sound set. Like, they've gone out of their way to make it a cartoon. So we already know the vibe of the movie. And what I love about the way how cartoonish everything looks, it feels not just like it was made for TV. It feels like it was made for 1970s Saturday morning TV. Like, if witchy Poo or the Sleestacks had shown up, I would have been like, aha. That totally works.

Yeah. And also the cinematography kept changing, but, like, the first major question I have is, is this where climate change started? Because the weather system. There's fog on the ground. There's no rain. But the cop comes in and he's totally drenched in wet. But the sun comes out when she. Like when the bride shows up and the musical number begins. And then there's thunder outside and lightning outside the window.

There's thunder constantly. There's perfectly timed conversational thunder throughout the film. Never any rain. I love all. No, it's all classic. It's all classic old dark house stuff.

But even that in the middle, someone goes, do you think they built a cemetery here because there's always fog around, or is it always fog around because.

There'S a cemetery here?

With my horrible accent.

That was pretty horrible.

But there's wasn't better.

No.

Well, you know, they made the choice, but they've decided to clearly not set this in reality, but make everything really cartoonish. But we're specifically in Yorkshire because those Yorkshire accents are a choice. Choice.

Yeah. Some of the scenes had, like, a little hammer, not quite Hammer feel to them, but it definitely had a very staged look.

Well, here's the thing that I also found out. The thing is these guys, this was directed and produced by the Hackity brothers, George and Arthur Hackity, who, by the way, are lifelong friends with Jamie Farr. They grew up next door to each other, so they pop up.

That's what Jamie Farr agreed to do.

They pop up in each other projects all the time. Yeah. So that's how that happened. Yeah. So they're mostly TV people. They're mostly TV people. And the two screenwriters were mostly TV people. One, one. Oh, hold on, let me get his name. Prop Jameson Brewer wrote a whole bunch of the Scooby Doo movies. Not the Scooby Doo episodes, but the movies like the ones with Don Knotts. And also wrote the incredible Mr. Limpet.

Oh, wow.

Okay, this makes a lot more sense connection right there. And the other one, John Fenton Murray, did tons and tons and tons of exactly the kind of 70s TV show that I felt like this felt like Lost Saucer, Sigmund, the Sea Monsters, Brady Bunch, all of them. He wrote specifically for Saturday morning tv.

Well, George Tuning of music, he did Billbok and Candle. He adapted Pal Joey, the Rogers in Heart and he did a bunch for like Star Trek and things like that.

Okay, walk me through the opening of this film. What is happening at the opening? I don't know.

We start off though, with. I think it's. It's the. The constable comes in with a grave digger talking about Bernard Fox.

Bernard Fox, Bernard Fox, who? Private Eyes connection.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's the butler in Private Eyes.

And talking about the death of Arnold and how sad it is and how tragic it is.

It's a sad day, Jonesy dwelling manor will never be the same now his lordship is dead and buried. No, no, no, no.

And then they hear music in the church thinking, well, something's going on right now. The wrong people have the church room because it's a funeral. Cute.

They mixed up the Marion and the Burying, right?

It's been horrible mistake. They've mixed up the Marian with the.

Berryen and then all of a sudden Stella Stevens runs in.

It's a Las Vegas musical number. And could we. We need. We need to talk about the bridesmaids dresses.

Oh. Oh, dear. So she's got two. Two bridesmaids who never appear again, both in Elvira wigs and two flower girls who never appear again, who are basically Linda in the Agatha Christie multiverse.

The most unhappy looking flower girls.

Oh, they were not. Yeah. They were scowling.

No, but man, that. The color choices on both of them, that green, that not quite green, not quite brown, not quite yellow of the bridesmaids dresses was just right. Was such a 70s choice. Like that color does not exist anywhere except 1973. And the fact that they paired it. The flower girls are in this pale, pale, washed out pink. And I said that color combination was so 1970s. I remember we had sheets with that pattern, paisley sheets with that pattern on it. Those colors, they reminded me of ham. Like, like olive loaf. Which, which Beautiful, beautiful for wedding.

I think that was the name of the older flower girl.

I. I wanted a whole cold cut scene for my wedding.

I think she had the spam label on the back of her dress.

Yeah. So, yeah. The initial conceit of the film is that Stella Stevens is marrying this corpse. It's the biggest hurdle to get over. What is going on? Why is this happening? Can anybody explain? Why is she marrying this corpse? Why is everybody okay with it?

Okay, this is consensual from Arnold that he agreed because he's married to another woman. She was his mistress. So he dies then saying that he's going to marry her.

And that.

And then explain that the lawyers have a precedent of women going to battlefields and marrying men on the fields who may already be dead.

You won't get away with it. You know, it's quite illegal to marry a corpse. Well, Mr. Whitehead feels that he can prove our marriage valid. He intends to establish a precedent using the analogy of women who marry soldiers at the front by proxy. Men who might already have died in battle before the wedding ceremony was performed.

And then that's like a one line throwaway. Everyone else just kind of runs with this.

And that was one of the moments where, like the actors just acting the pants off of something that is pure exposition. And I think the piece that also needs to be noted is like. Because he's dead, that means the first, like till death you part. That means the marriage to the first wife doesn't count anymore.

I never saw no last rites like that before. I never. It wasn't a funeral, it was a wedding. That's it. That's it exactly. That's exactly how it looked to me. I said to myself, henry Hook, I said, his lordship may be lying there as cold as a cod, I said, but he's taken himself a bride. He is. Then quick as a flash, I answers myself, how can that be? Henry Oak. His lordship's already got himself a wife. Lady Jocelyn. No, no, no. She's a Widow. Now, Cousin Arnold is dead, you know. Oh, well, that explains everything. You see, with his lordship dead, Lady Jocelyn's a widow, and that leaves him free to.

She's a widow now, which means he's free to marry somebody else. Oh, sure. Wait, what? But he's dead, and it seems like.

The whole mistress thing is kind of news to her. Or it's sort of an introduction.

No, it went. No, it went on for a year. We know this went on for a year because the wife was offered a million dollars.

Oh, you're right.

You're right to let the divorce go through. And she said, no, I'm gonna make you suffer till you die because I know you got a disease. You'll never be married. You'll never be together. Now look at this. Now we're together forever in the afterlife. It's a whole weird conceit just to get this whole ball rolling and really. But the important thing. Who's the corpse? Tell me about Arnold. What do we know about Arnold?

He's got a great theme song.

He's got a great theme song. There's only 32 parts of it, but it's a great song.

But he runs like, oh, how do I love thee? Just you wait and see, Arnold.

Even better after death.

I've been waiting to get Doug to sing.

Oh, it's so good.

Oh, sure. Doug's allowed to sing. I see how it is. He yells at us when we sing on our show.

Well, I've heard enough from you. But he's a guest.

Actually, I don't remember. Like, he's. He's the owner of, like, a major, major business of which the, you know, the first wife gets one share.

Chemical company and cosmetic company.

Oh.

Well, that explains the first. The first things.

Yeah.

But the other.

Great.

If I could backtrack to that. When both of them are being. The worthy thing. Ross. The worthy thing of exposition. They are, you know, talking about. Because of this obscure law. It works. That's also when not Nancy. Jocelyn gets in two of her best one liners because she may be the first death, but she's got some great zingers.

Yeah. I want to come back to. I want to go get specific in a bit, but I just want to, like, set up this thing I talk about. Arnold is for what we're learning. He seems to be this wonderful, controlling genius. He knows everybody really well. He's done. He knows everybody, his family. He knows everybody's weaknesses. He knows everybody's flaws. He knows everybody's patterns and everybody's habits. He's going to use it against them in the afterlife.

Ours too.

On all of them. Yeah. Yeah. Because he made us watch this whole movie. No, it's a wonderful. It's a wonderful thing. One of the things that I love about Arnold, the guy playing Arnold. What a trooper. What a trooper.

Yeah.

He's stuck in this coffin the whole movie.

He got to move during the dream.

Sequence to the dream ballet. That's the other thing. If you. If you don't want people to think you're doing a musical, maybe don't put a dream ballet in it. I'm not complaining. I was very happy about all that.

Oh, my God, you're right.

No, the corpse has a smirk on its face. This shit eating smirk on the whole movie. What's also unique about his corpse?

He's dressed in like a dig. Like almost like a dignitary's uniform.

Well, he's a lord. He's a lord.

Oh. Oh. It's in a coffin, A giant coffin that has a tape cassette apparatus on the side.

And his joints have been arranged so that his joints can move and he could be. This is Roddy McDowell's worthy faint of exposition mom moment where he's acting the pants off of it while explaining for everyone. It's like, just so you know, his joints move. It can be put in different positions just in case he shows up somewhere else.

He's posable. He made himself posable.

Well, you must admit that is a fancy piece of marinating. Can you imagine devising a method to have the joints of your corpse articulated so you could be moved into in position you like? Just like a bloody puppet. I know. Let's dress him up in his shorts and stand him out on the croquet court.

Ravi, that's sacrilegious.

Look who's getting squeamish. You married him.

I wish we explored that more. I wanted more posable corpse fun. But we didn't get a lot of that. We just got a little bit of that.

You're right. It never did lead to anything.

Even though he's not in the movie much, Victor Buono is great as the minister. And the wedding. He's so over all this and has no idea how to handle anything.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together to pay our last resp.

No.

I. To join in holy wedlock, this man. To join in holy wedlock, this man and this woman. Holy wedlock. For inasmuch as this man and this woman have consented to live as one, sharing joys, sharing sorrows, sharing burdens. If there be anyone present who can show just cause why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, let him speak now forever. Holy speech.

He's our window into it.

Yes.

He's sweating.

If anyone objects to this, Anyone, Anyone.

Let them speak now.

It's basically all of us right now.

For better or for worse, till death.

Karen and Arnold, do you freely enter into wedded bliss and forsaking all others, promise to love, honor and cherish, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until destined?

No.

Well, it also says, the thing is such a ridiculous premise to swallow, they're immediately making a joke out of it. So it kind of makes it easy to kind of yada yada through it a little bit.

Well, that's the other thing that I think is fun about this movie is that the premise is ridiculous. Everything about this movie is ridiculous. Everybody's playing it straight. Nobody's playing comedy, which makes it really fun. And as a comedy, it's not laugh out loud funny, but yet at the.

Same time, it's hilarious.

A lot of times you just don't. I don't know how to react to any of this. That's a great. That's a great place to be, especially for jaded cunts like myself. I said it. I said it. All right, so the plot has been set. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. After, after, after the wedding comes the will reading, and we get to meet. We get to meet the other shitty members of the family.

My dear family and faithful friends, thank you for attending the ceremony today and sharing with me my happiest hour. I know you're most anxious to learn how you fare in my will, and I assure you, I've gone to some pains to see that each of you receives exactly what he deserves.

You wanted to talk about Jocelyn? Let's talk about Jocelyn. Jocelyn, I loved. Jocelyn is the widow. I loved everything out of her mouth. And she could have been recast as Sylvia Miles.

Oh, yes. Oh, well, no one really out Sylvia Miles. Sylvia Miles. But she was a close. She had some great singers.

Was it. Was Sylvia Miles not available Like, I love this woman. I love. I love what Shawnee Wallace did with this, and I love that it's the girl from Oliver, but I think it would have been even better with Sylvia Miles. But no one would have believed Sylvia Miles is the first victim. Sylvia Miles would have been like, I'm not dead yet. I'm fine. Sticking pieces of her face back on.

To my bereaved and grieving Widow Jocelyn. I leave that which she has always treasured more than me, her title, Lady Dwellin, and the Rolls Royce to help her maintain the facade of nobility she cherishes. Please remain seated.

My dear.

Since you refused the £1 million I offered for a divorce, money quite obviously means nothing to you. So as a loving remembrance, a little gesture of affection, I give you one share in the Lady D cosmetic company.

One share? What about the rest of the estate?

As for the rest of the estate, which everyone knows is monumental, I leave it all to my lovely, adorable bride, Karen. Sole ownership of Dwelling Chemicals and all subsidiary companies, stocks, bonds, and an enormous hoard of cash which is safely deposited in a vault, the location of which I shall reveal in the near future.

We don't get to spend a lot of time with Jocelyn, but what we do get is fantastic. Doug, you were starting to say something before I cut you off. Please tell me what you love so much about Jocelyn.

Because when she's in that worthy faint of exposition scene, when they're, you know, she's with. The two wives are coming at each other and you know, at this point the Stella Stevens is still like wide eyed Bambi, all innocent about everything and. No, we just love each other and you know, but. But Jocelyn refers to her as an oversex airline hostess. And then like. And then when Cell Siemens like, oh, we never discussed money. And then in something worthy of an air cigarette, she just said. What did he do? Just leave it on the mantle each night?

Jocelyn, I hope you and your bridegroom, my dead husband, will be very happy together in this medieval mausoleum. I can understand your bitterness. If only you'd given Arnold more love and affection. You gave him enough affection for both of us. All he wanted was a. I know what he wanted. What is your going rate, Lady Dwellin? You are mistaken. Arnold and I never, never discussed money. What did he do, just leave it on the mantle each night?

Can't you hear Sylvie say that? What did he do to leave it on the mantel each night? Odell.

Oh my God, Odell. I'm so envious because I only think of things like that three days after they occur. And then I want to call up and be like, and another thing.

Yeah. Oh, and what an exit line. What an exit line. When she's at the bottom of this and she's finally walking out, she's like, I am the rightful heir and I am the widow and the wife and everything will be mine. Happy honeymoon, you bitch.

I love that line.

Happy honeymoon, you.

The courts will award me the entire estate. I am the rightful heir. Arnold's one and only wife and widow. Happy honeymoon, you bitch.

But. Oh, but all with that dignified British class. Now I'm not raising my voice. The thing is so nice and controlled and absolutely cunty. And I loved every second of it. She was thinking she was gone. Everybody was gone too soon. Everybody was gone too soon.

She was giving a lot of Alexis Carrington from Dynasty. This kind of little Joan Collins kind of just heads up high.

I just feel like she's sitting there going, you all think that she's saying the theme song. That was me. That was me. That was me. That was me. At the same. It was me. And song that's in your head right now. That was me. Not her. Me. Bitch.

But you're right, because also the time Stella Stevens is still acting like, oh, as far as we know, they were in love and they kind of planned. She really cared for him. I was like, okay, so what's.

She's playing the part. But the thing that. The thing is that not surprisingly, everybody gets fucked in the will. When the will. I was gonna say not when the will is read, when the will is dictated. Because it's all on tape. By the way, the fact that this is 1973 and he's using cassette tapes and not reel to reel is really kind of forward thinking.

That's true.

Arnold was ahead of his time.

Can we talk about the sound system yet or do we gotta wade?

I really. I really wish it was an A track. The only thing I just wanted to say about the waiting of the will is that the thing that Stella Stevens Karen was not expecting is that the codicil that he's added to the wheel is like, you have to keep me with you forever.

Dear, sweet Karen. Even though frustrated by the knowledge that my heartless wife would never grant a divorce, and knowing that for the past two years I suffered a terminal illness which might bring the end at any moment. You remain my warm and tender lover, just as I know you will abide lovingly by the terms of this will and our premarital agreement to keep me with you always. Just as you see me now.

For.

As long as you shall live.

You can't bury me. I have to stay in the house with you forever. As long as you shall live.

Fine.

Put him in.

Put him in the corner.

Yeah, well, that'd be fine if he wouldn't keep talking and killing people. He refuses to let people forget that he's there.

But also they keep doing all the scenes in his Room.

It's a whole house.

Go. Go to the bathroom. Go.

Thank you. It's true. It's true. There's only so many sets. What are we made of money?

Go to the Four Year.

Did you see all the fog we had to bring in? You think we could have extra rooms? You're crazy.

We only had enough fog for the.

Floor, the outside floor, the ground, the floor. Visual thing. This is Maya Murphy speaking with me now. Maya Murphy's been teaching me all about visual storytelling, and there's some fun. One of the things that I thought was really fun here was that Stel Stevens outfits for the first half of the movie. The house is all, like, somber gothy tones. It's like the deep, deep red and deep, dark browns and blacks. It's somber colors. She's always in, like Daphne park purple. She clashes with everything in the house. She doesn't fit. But the more frightened she gets as the movie goes on, she starts to blend more at the house because she's scared. She's like, I'm not gonna be the. I'm gonna be the person he wants me to be. I'm gonna wear browns and whites and yellows, and I'm gonna blend in the rest of the house. So it's just a cool thing.

A very, very scanty white. But yeah.

No, well, she's in a full white gown when she's dealing with. With the Farley Granger.

True.

Not in the shower. Yeah, but you see, anyway, nobody cares. I'm just kissing up to my Murphy right now because she's cooler than I am. Anyway, he's awesome. There's so many characters to introduce. I feel like we kind of have to get some of them out of the way here. Can we talk about the.

Can we talk.

Can we talk about the. Thank you. The family. Let's talk about the siblings. Tell me about Arnold's beloved siblings.

Elsa Lancaster is a sister.

Ding Dong. No, she's not. But Elsa Lanchester is.

No.

Annie, let big sister fix your tie. Tidy your hair before the guests arrive.

Hester, don't you think we should keep it closed for now?

No.

Ani loves to go to parties.

And she played the Bride of Frankenstein. And she has the most amazing chin dimple.

And Miss Marbles.

And Miss Marbles. And Murder by Death.

The woman has one character. She's got one character, and it's a great one.

Well, tell you she has two, because she did do the Bride of Frankenstein then. She did everything since then, and she's just like the loving. Oh, Arnie. And she talks. And she's just the dotty old aunt who just seems.

She talks about how everything's beautiful. Oh, it's a wedding. I'll leave you alone for your honeymoon. Like she's the one that's really the voiceover. This is exactly right. There's nothing wrong with this arrangement, 100%.

First, to Hester, my darling sister whom I cherish, who has tended and cared for me so lovingly, I leave a lifetime trust of £100amonth and the incontestable right to reside in this house for as long as she shall live.

Thank you, Amelie.

You're quite welcome, Hester.

Blah, blah, blah performance. And it's just your standard Elsa Lanchester. Lanchester. Lancaster Lanchester.

Lanchester.

Lanchester.

Okay.

Ding dong Patrick from the future here, my beautiful, beautiful screamers. I just wanted to take a moment and let you know that we are now 38 minutes and 15 seconds into this episode. That means it took me 38 minutes and 15 seconds to realize that I have been massacring Elsa Lanchester's name. That is nearly 40 minutes of non stop incorrect information. Well, Patrick, I only heard you guys make that mistake a couple of times. It doesn't seem like that big a deal. It seems like you're making a mountain out of a hole. Okay, listen, you. The fact that you were hearing about it at all indicates how big a problem this became during this episode, okay? Because this is what fix it and post means in a normal episode. If I had made a mistake like that, I would have just edited it out. I would have just re recorded it. I would have just edited a random. But these mistakes became so frequent and so entwined with the rest of the episode that there was no way to edit around it anymore. So while. So you can sit there and think, this seems like smooth sailing, honey. I have edited a dozen mistakes. At this point, we're not even halfway done with the show. I don't know if you noticed, but as I was recording this very segment that I'm doing right now, I'm pretty sure I said her name wrong at least two more times. Because what's happened in the interim while I've been editing this and realizing how deep this mistake was? It's kind of like in the 90s. Remember back in the 90s when George W. Bush didn't know how to say nuclear? He always said nuclear because back then they became so intertwined in my head. I couldn't. I was just stopped and think, which is the right one? And I was never sure and now it's happening to Elsa Lanchester and it's my own goddamn fault. Oh well, ding dong, back to the show. Sustainable is Elsa Lanchester performer. But the manic on it is cranked up. Oh yeah, not up to 11, but up to 7.

I do hope you don't think ill of me for not attending the ceremony.

Oh, of course not.

I simply had to. Had to stay and prepare for the guests, you know. Besides, I'm afraid I would have embarrassed too terribly.

I'm sure you wouldn't have.

Oh yes. I always weep so. So hysterically at weddings. Oh, I'm sorry. Here I stand chattering away and I'm sure that you too, you two lovebirds will wish to be alone for a bit before the others start dropping in.

I just love that every time she leaves the scene, she leaves singing la.

La la la la la la.

I don't see anything wrong with that. That's my life.

Everything's totally normal, honey. You two have fun on your honeymoon.

That's really, really creepily good.

I know, I know. I got my Elsa down, girl. So that's Hester. That's Hester. She's been the devoted sister that Arnie loved, that had been his sidekick and like always, always there by his side and never done anything wrong in her entire life, ever. Who's the other sibling?

Roddy McDowell, who's done. Who's done nothing right his entire life.

But yet has done everything right.

My condolences on the death of your husband, lady Dwellin.

I don't need any condolences. I need a stiff drink.

I love, I love when Roddy plays cads like absolute cats. The absolute shit he'll cats. I love it because they're still qu.

Next to my younger brother Robbie, who has apparently never wished for anything, obviously never worked for anything, consequently has nothing, I bequeath nothing.

But he's always a delicious villain and he's just so over everything. And he's just exactly what you want from Ronnie McDowell in his role. And he's been. And it turns out. Yeah, well, it turns out the blushing bride ain't that blushing anyway because she's been fucking Ronnie McDonald for. Yeah, behind Arnold. Arnold's back.

I haven't had a chance to congratulate the bride yet. Now that old Arnie's dead, we don't have to hide anymore.

Come on.

Sure, but not in front of Arnie.

Why?

I get the creepy feeling he's watching us.

Oh, come on.

Old Arnie can't see a thing.

See?

Dead as A sausage.

Oh, but he looks so alive.

I must say, he never looked better.

Those eyes, that smile, they make my flesh creep.

And. And they think, okay, now we're going to be free.

But no, then all the money be ours. And there's also some hidden money in the house as well, as we discover in the will. So that's when it's established that Roddy wants that money as well. When she's like, let's just leave it. We've got the house. She's like, no, we can't just leave it sitting there.

There's $100,000 in doubloons.

Doubloons.

It was in doubloons when we finally stated at the end. It was in dollar bills. Doubloons.

Diversified.

Thank you. You know what? I'm not complaining. Very important. Okay, so that's them. And also in the mix are the. Are the lawyers.

Yeah. So there. There's his cousin.

Mr. Whitehead, about the.

Money Arnold mentioned in some vault.

I'm afraid I haven't the foggiest notion.

Oh, well, it's really not important. I was just curious.

I'm sure you'll be informed of its whereabouts soon enough. Arnold always provided for every contingency, and this time he seems to have outdone himself.

So he is a cousin. And, you know, for the whole first part, he's extremely responsible.

To cousin Douglas, a distant relative, nonetheless, dear to us all, I entrust the settlement of my estate and certain other affairs attendant upon my late demise and current marriage. His retainer shall continue at its more than generous level.

Now, is that Farley Granger? I keep thinking. Which one's Farley?

No, Farley Granger is the hot, younger lawyer.

Cousin Douglas, the older lawyer, is played by Patrick Knowles. Farley Granger is the younger lawyer. Mr. Lyons, I think.

Okay.

For a long time, I thought Farley Granger's mustache was going to turn out to be the killer because it was a whole entity onto itself. Yeah. And again, not a complaint. Complaint. It was just right. No, because everybody. Everybody's shitty. There are no good characters. Of course, the lawyers are scared. Yeah, he's. Yeah, the guy, the older guy, Whitehead, that's the cousin. He's always done right by the family. But also, you can tell he's a total scheme. The family has asked him to do anything right for anybody ever. You know, they've been fucking people forever and he's really good at it.

But the thing is that he gets these sort of like. I usually think of this as like playing Agatha Christie. When you're doing the play, you play it as if you are completely innocent. You don't need to arch an eyebrow at any point, except for that one thing to make the audience think that maybe you're a suspect. But he played it absolutely straight until. Until it was time for fringe benefits.

Yes.

Then the eyebrows started waggling and we're in villain territory.

Which is why. Because you don't know they're bastards. Early on, like, everyone even, like, the smaller characters reveal themselves to be bastards, which. Because then you also have the. Well, anyway, we'll get to them.

Tell me about the servants.

All right, well, there's JB Farr playing a role you can't do anymore.

Yeah.

Oh, it's okay. Because he's Lebanese. He's Lebanese, Blanche.

Well, referred to by Roddy McDowell as that damn him do Zombie. He's a perfect houseboy for a corpse. I'm like, oh, oh, no, no.

I mean, he's. He's very browned.

Makeup and different shades depending on.

Yeah.

I think this is where the blue way transfer, like, hurts things. I think maybe it wasn't as bad.

Yeah.

On film. But that. That makeup looks. It's. It's. It's caked on. It's caked on.

I want cake.

Yeah. He's. He's the silent Indian servant with a hook.

Hook for him. Scar on his face.

Yeah. Yeah. And there's the gravedigger, Jonesy.

They say when a raven sits on a tombstone, another death is about to happen. Who says? They say. Oh, they. It's a very old saying. If there's one thing we don't need, it's a ruddy raven helping out Jonesy. Well, there has been a lot of dying around here lately, and that's a fact.

Yes.

Jonesy.

Jonesy, Jonesy, Jonesy. And our constable, Constable Hook, they kind of serve as the Greek chorus for a lot of this stuff. They're often standing off on the side, commenting on what's going on. Yeah. A Constable Hook.

I'm gonna have some Gravedigger questions in a bit when it's time. I got questions about a few topics on this one.

Ding dong Patrick from the future here. The conversation is about to get derailed on a tangent and unfortunately, we completely forgot to talk about the most important character in the film. This character is the glue that holds everything together. He is the Hercule Poirot who is going to get to the heart of this crime and solve everything and save the day. Just kidding. It's Constable Hook, played by Bernard Fox. Who is as inept a fool as you could possibly get. He's like something out of a French forest. And he's fabulous.

Jonesy, I've been wondering. Yes, Constable Luke? Did they make it a cemetery down here because it's always foggy, or is it always foggy down here because they made it a cemetery? I give up. What you mean, you give up? I don't know. What's the answer? I don't know. I'm asking you. I just told you, I don't know. Well, there's no need to be patched on his ass. I don't know. Everybody's so sensitive.

I mean, this guy can't even keep his bicycle from falling over. It's a running gag that's not particularly funny when you watch it. But on frequent viewings, it gets funnier and funnier. Every time this guy tries to make. He's a bicycle cops. So every time he tries to make a dramatic exit or say something profound, his bicycle just falls over spontaneously. Nobody's near it. Just falls over. It's. It's dumb, it's slapsticky, but it gets funnier the more you see. But my favorite thing about Constable Hook is we mentioned. I mentioned before that him and Jonesy the caretaker serve as sort of a Greek chorus. Because every time somebody dies, they have a graveside button to the scene where they have some conversation, which streams. Goes streaming off in some weird direction, like you just heard about the fog. It's not just like Greek chorus. I realized. It's more like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppet Show. It's like they're just commenting on the whole scene, like, boo. But it's very funny. Anyway, back to the show. Nothing was going to get solved. I feel like everything is so perfectly schemed out. Like, Arnold picked this place because this place has the worst constable ever. He's so stupid. No one will ever catch us doing anything here because he's absolutely an idiot. He can't even keep it.

Before we get to the shield and Rhino, we do need to discuss four other actors in the piece. The pallbearers who are mugging for the gods. Each one of them trying for their egot in one movie.

Look, you got one scene, you got one scene. One or the other. When you see Partners is dead. If you can't steal the scene, you're nobody. You're never gonna make it.

As they were all trying. You know, there's that.

You will never work on Land of the Lost again.

Oh, my God. They're all holding. They're holding the coffin as. As Elsa Lanchester's like, just chatting about things, and they're all just, like. They're sweating and mugging about how, hey, everyone, this is what heavy look looks like.

To be fair, that was 1970 stereo equipment. It was probably 17, 000 pounds plus a dead guy in it.

That's true. Because equipment in the coffin. That's a good point.

Yeah.

All the machinery in it.

Yeah.

I'm just jealous because they stole my acting technique.

Ham and cheese.

Kosher ham and cheese.

Tits and teeth.

Are we going to the Shield and Rhino?

The Shield and Plume.

Shield and Plume.

Shield and Rhino.

Shield and Plume.

I will fight you. I thought it was shielded rhino.

Shield and Plume. I don't know where you get the rhino from. You have those British rhinos. It's the Shield and Plume.

All right, I'll meet you at the Shield and Plume before midnight.

Whenever we go to the Shield and Plume, it's a completely different movie.

It is.

Yeah. It's Benny Hill. So these are Benny Hill sketch.

All of a sudden, it. Well, whenever we go to the Shield and Plume, which is the local tavern where we meet the locals, I'm reminded of something that Doug said during the first nudie musical session where he said, this is the kind of movie where you don't even need a joke because the boobs are the joke. Like, you could just have someone owning boobs. And that's the punchline of the joke, and it's also the setup of the joke. We're in the same kind of weird, innocent world where just boobs were funny. You didn't need to do anything else with them. They were just boobs. And they're great and they're funny.

Airplane. Yeah.

Yep.

What's my before? Boobs. What's my intention? Boobs. What's my through line? Boobs.

Three horrible deaths, one after the other, and all in the same family. Don't that lead you to suspect a bit of foul play, Henry?

No, no, no.

Fl.

Nasty accidents. It was rash of accidents. Rather localized, you might say.

But how can you be sure?

Oh, when you're a skilled criminologist like myself, it's as plain as a nose on your pretty little chest face.

What's the focus of the scene? Boobs.

They weren't egregious boobs. There was just the right amount. They weren't, like, overdone, like, it was. It was classy amount of cleavage. Okay, maybe not.

Well, with an unnerving amount of vocaling. It was an uncomfortable amount of vocal from a modern perspective, but, you know, what are you going to do? It's the seventies, and it was. This is exactly what you expect when you go from a movie like this in a setting like this.

In all fairness, we did get the. The incredible butt of one of the dart players.

And also, by the way, the owner of the boobs float. The owner of the. Of the.

You mean the boobs with the owner?

Sure. She's the smartest person in the movie.

Oh, yeah, she is.

Absolutely.

Outside of Arnold, she's the smartest person in the movie. So I thought that was smart because.

She never monologued at a picture of Arnold, which is why she survived to the end of the movie.

Well, she could never monologue to anybody because she always had that old guy looking at her tits, like, right six inches away.

But the reason she died, she left the country so Arnold couldn't get to her. So that's why they're the only ones in the cast who probably survived the movie.

Oh, but, Trey, what I do love is right when we're talking about the way the old man was behaving around Boob girl, was that your dogs were sniffing each other's butts.

Oh, exactly. There you go. They know what it was.

Boob girl is Wanda Bailey. And her big claim to fame was that she was a laughing dancer like Goldie Hawn.

Okay, I can see that.

Nice.

That's why they call it the boob tube.

But we have. So we. So I guess this is where the constable goes to hang out. And now it's like a sitcom with a constable. And you've got the bartender, and you got her the bartenders. And then you have the constable's dad, who's just always off on the corner, kind of like observing everything and making little comments.

I'm perfect on flow.

Oh, perfect on flow. Big time storm and everything.

I. I thought you might fancier. I'd open my handlebars.

Oh, that's sweet of you, Henry.

And then perhaps we could pop up to your flat and watch the television with your mother. Ah, listen to him. A ruddy sex fiend.

But like I said, it becomes like a whole different movie where he gives exposition, but then you got, like, these little side characters, but the movie keeps coming back to them throughout the whole.

Whole.

The whole thing.

If the killer wasn't going to be Farley Granger's mustache, I really wanted to be Flow. I wanted to be Flow standing at the end. I. Y', all, she got hers. She got her. She Got. She won her own. Right. She got exactly what she wanted. I just wish she wasn't so mean to her. She's so mean.

I forgot to tell you that I've got other plans for this evening.

Oh, putting me off again, are you? Listen, a man can take putting up just so often. And I'm asking you straight out, are you and me engaged or not?

Oh, of course, Henry.

Well, that's more like it then. Have a lovely evening and I'll see you tomorrow.

She's playing our constable like a fool the whole movie. That's not nice. You know, you're his dad behind your back.

And then because they're engaged but they haven't been to. Oh, you're right. Yeah, I keep forgetting that.

Yeah, because I love Bernard. And you see, this is why I think Bernard Fox, like that character, like, retired from being a constable and like, became a butler in. In the.

Oh, the Private Eyes.

His whole thing was that his wife was everybody or just his dad? I don't know. Anyway, Anyway, anyway, all right, I think. I mean, we're going to get bogged in. Otherwise we're just gonna. Let's kill people. Yes, let's kill off Jocelyn. Let's kill off Jocelyn. Tell me how Jocelyn gets it.

Death by schmacting. God, it was great. She took everything with her. So she. So she made the mistake. She. For some reason, this woman who is now. She's got a picture of Arnold in her room at the Shield and Plume. Rhino and. And Plumerian rhino. I don't know, but she's got like. The picture.

It's not funny. My grandmother died of rhino plumes. The rhino plumes.

She had a rhino plumesty.

Rhino plumesty. Please, a picture. She had a picture of Arnold.

She's monologuing at the picture, which. Don't do that because that's how you die in this movie.

What an idiotic man you were, Lord Arnold Dwemon and that bizarre and ridiculous marriage. You simply couldn't bear to think of losing your sweet young mistress, could you? Well, I have a surprise for you too. My years with you weren't all as dreary and barren and loveless as you imagined. I also had a lover, someone you never even knew. He'll be here shortly to keep me company and to talk about breaking your ludicrous will. You can simply sit there and watch.

And she's putting on this face cream as she's talking to him. And turns out he does makeup, he does chemicals. He puts something in her face cream.

Because you're Dead Arnold. And I'm your widow, not your ex wife, despite that farce of a wedding you stage today.

So she starts to feel it, and her face starts peeling off. And she took. She smashed the glass. She pulled down the bed clothes. That was a death upon a death upon a death, and I was here for it. She chewed that scenery and never got her teeth. Never got anything in her teeth.

As Cindy and Stacy from Creepy Kitchen say, she died to death.

Yes.

No. It's a great little scene. No. And the gimmick is what Doug is referring to everybody. It's either. It's either to a picture or they get a great coffin monologue before they die. Everybody's got a great monologue with Arnold before they die. And they're playing it for keeps. It's like not a comic monologue. They are playing for keeps with these monologues. And Doug's like, why does she have a picture? It's in the model. She's like, by the way, I haven't had a lover this whole time. And we're gonna. And you're gonna watch. That's what. The picture's there.

Oh, all right. Yeah. Okay, good.

And he's like, who's gonna get.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you're gonna get fucked. And I'm gonna get. I'm gonna watch. But it's not gonna be the way you think, honey. And one of the things that I just love is that this Constable Hook is just so incompetent every time he assesses the crime scene. It's just so funny. I mean, just with how stupid it is with the Yorkshire accent. It just makes it also delicious.

Her ladyship was putting a bit of goo on her face just before bedtime when this. This dreadful thing happened all of a sudden, like, bits and pieces of her face fell off. Oh, peel like a ruddy onion. She was.

Yes.

If you don't mind my saying so, that goo was a real wrinkle remover indeed.

The lady was. Was smeared some goop on her face when all of a sudden this terrible thing happened all of a sudden, like, little bits and pieces of her face.

And it's a little degree gross and goes on for too long.

She looked like a peeled onion. She looked like a peeled onion. No class, no coon, no just excuse. Everything's just like. Well, I think it had a lot to do with heat and brandy or something. Like, too much. Too much.

But he always like. He's like, it's all that matterport. But you see what I think happened? She was doing this. And then something else happened. Something ridiculous. You know how it is.

A real wrinkle remover.

Yeah. Like he is just like shoe. Shoeing the whole thing away. Like, ah, you know how it is. It's all in my reports.

Yeah. So the whole thing with Jocelyn was like she was going to be interfered. She was going to be the interference. She was going to sue. She's got. I'm going to sue and I'm going to make sure that this does not work. I'm the rightful heir and I'm going to take you out. So now she's removed. Now the money's all theirs, Right? Rodney? Roddy. They get the money, they're going to live happily ever thereafter. Right.

But. But also the. The. The lover shows up at. In her room.

Oh yeah.

Sees what's happening, sees her dead and then gets out.

Yeah. Farley Granger, the. The. Is the other lawyer she's been fucking. The assistant lawyer.

Well, darling, what do you think?

I think the entire estate will end up precisely where it belongs.

Really?

If I couldn't outwit dreary old whitehead, I'd pack up my Blackstone.

How will you do it?

After I take care of the Ferguson man, I'll tell you, my sweet.

How long will it be?

I'll meet you at the Shield and Plume before midnight. He takes his mustache and leaves.

I can't deal with this right now. I'm too hot for this. This. I'm an American. I'm gonna go. Seems unpleasant. Yeah. So. So. So Roddy. Roddy and Karen think they've got it made now, but they don't.

Arnold is sending cassette tapes.

Thank you.

Intermittently this whole time. Because he's the one who set up the murder of the wife. Because you know, she has the toxic face cream that he sent. He sends it to her.

Or she just had it.

Okay, she had it.

It was there on the bureau.

Okay.

But I think it's time to talk about the sound system.

Yeah. Okay.

So. So not only does the coffin have cassette tapes, like for every. You know, everyone. For the reading of the will was on a cassette tape. Cassette tapes randomly arrived to be like, ah. Like she's like. Like to like start dialogue with. With the person that's being accused. Like they say something and then the cassette tape doesn't one up on them. The.

And he leaves pauses. He leaves perfectly timed pauses for them to respond.

Exactly, exactly. I'm playing examples of this to accuse. I know the two of you are having an affair. The whole thing. But also in the Sound system. First of all, they. There are four buttons on the side of the coffin that you don't depress when you touch them. So they had, like, ipod technology already, where you just. You can press the one on the left if you're. Or you can press the one on the right. They all do the same thing. It doesn't matter. They just leave your finger there for a moment. And also, the whole house is rigged up with that incredible sound system that doesn't sound like it's coming from a specific place.

Little Robbie, you disgraceful blot on the dweller. Nascutcheon. You've always coveted everything I owned. And now you hope to take my lovely bride away from me.

He knows about us.

Oh, yes. I know how you feel about dear Karen.

What are we going to do? He's always been so damn jealous.

You must be rational. He made this tape before he died.

If he really is dead, it was timed so perfectly. How could he know you would be here when it arrived? Coincidence?

Oh, no, no, no.

Of course not. Arnie knew me so well, he could anticipate my.

Then who sent the tape?

That is the interesting question.

This is where the movie shifts over to Roddy McDowell. It's all focusing on Roddy McDowell and Stella story now and how they're going to make this work. And she wants to flee. He's like, no, no, we got to find that money. How are we going to get around this? Well, we. We don't have to fuck here. We can go fuck at my apartment.

All right, Arnie. Who is trying to drive us bonkers, hmm? Did you make an agreement with Cousin Douglas? I mean, he'd do anything for money. Or is doddering old Hester. She always did anything you wanted. Or is it that Hindu spook that you picked up in India all those years ago when he lost his arm trying to save your miserable life that he worshipped. We are forgetting someone.

Who?

The poor, grieving widow, Jocelyn.

But first, before he does, he's got to do that. The acting the heck out of the exposition. Monologuing to. Monologuing to him. About. About the. How you can adjust his joints so that he's posable. And then off they go to, you know, to his apartment. And they're having fun on the couch. They're dressing. She looks up and surprise. Arnold's in the chair.

We would be much more comfortable in the bedroom.

Comfort.

Much.

What the hell is.

Why have we stopped?

We were idiots running out like that. That's just what Arnie wanted.

Robbie.

How did he get there?

Somebody brought him. And whoever it was is moving him back to the manor house right now. If we hurry, we can catch them.

Roddy thinks he can outsmart him. He's like, basically says, listen. He seems to know all of our moves. He seems to have done this intricate study. He knows all of our faults. He knows all of our weakness. But everything he's done is pre. He's got a fixed plot. He can't change the plot.

It is apparent that old Arnie made a very deep psychological study of us.

Her face.

Don't worry.

We can box him.

How?

He has a fixed plot. He can't change it now, but we can.

So you think, oh, we could. We could run away. We could do anything. We're just gonna pack our bags and go.

Well, obviously the money is not in the coffin, but I know it's in this house here somewhere. And if he doesn't tell us about it pretty soon, I tell you, I. I'm going to tear this damn place apart.

Well, I'm not spending another minute here.

All right.

You can go to my flat.

No, I'm not going there again either.

Good God, girl. All right, then. I'll take you to an inn.

What inn?

What?

In some. In an inn. I mean, that should calm your supernatural fears. How the hell can he know where you're going if you don't know?

I'll change my clothes and pack a bag.

I know I need something too. I think I'll borrow one of your suits, Arnie. I mean, you're not going out again tonight, are you?

Old Chapter A Delivery arrives. What? What arrives? It's not a cassette this time.

A nice, gorgeous, gorgeous suit.

Great suit.

Oh, Robbie, look. This parcel arrived by messenger tonight while we were out. Diabe accepted it.

Oh, thank heavens. It's too big to be another tape.

It's for Arnie from London. It may be a wedding gift.

Let's see.

Oh, well, look at that. Now, that is very elegant.

Old Arnie must have ordered a new suit.

At least I won't have to wear a. Hand me down.

Oh, Robbie, you always were well to sample Arnie's goodies.

Maybe that is because Arnie always had so many more goodies than I did. Come along, Mr. Old Thing.

Time to go. That suit is amazing. The color's amazing. The cut is amazing. Where do you wear that? Apparently, yeah. Apparently Arnold. Arnold commissioned a suit before he died, but didn't get there in time. So it's only arriving now. So what happens? So they. They're gonna. They're gonna Dress up Arnie in his new suit.

Oh, Ronnie McDowell is like, I'm taking this. He's like, this is mine.

Can you blame him? That is. That is a pimping ass suit. Is a pimping purple suit. It's amazing.

It's like this dark purple, just. Just like monochromatic. It looks great. But he puts it on and monologues at the corpse. No, no, you.

Lots of rooms in the house.

Well, honey, your suit fits me perfectly. Just the way your whole life is going to fit me. You enjoyed seeing me penniless and disowned while you built up your own miserable fortune ninja and spit on me in.

Your will, you bastard.

I'm going to get everything that you hoarded in your whole miserable life. And by the simple and delightful device of stealing your sweet little bride.

Oh.

She never was really yours, you know. Not even when you were alive. What's the matter, Arnie? Nothing to say?

All of this stuff was great. All this stuff was great. She was never really yours, you know. Yeah, he's rubbing it in your face. Well, what are you gonna do? Cat got your tongue? Arnold?

Yeah.

You got nothing to say?

Oh, by the way, before this, they've opened up the great. Because they get back there and he's not in the chair anymore. Now he's back in the coffin. Like, seems to have outrun them. And they open up the coffin, they see sod and mud on his shoes.

Yes, right, right. And the other thing that I want to point out that they figured out at this point, like, he can't be doing this on his own. He's dead. Somebody is sending these tapes.

Right, but she.

But the wife, otherwise, Stella still thinks that he's alive and doing it.

Yes, yes, But. But she also is agreeing with wife. She's like, right, but he can't be doing this alone, so there must be an accomplice. Someone is trying to drive us crazy.

And we believe that because in. Because for some reason there's a portrait of him in every room in the house. And an eye keeps popping out and another eye keeps looking around through it.

Oh, yes.

At nothing in particular.

You can't have an old dark house movie without a whole bunch of sneaker passages and peekaboo portraits. That's what, that's the whole reason you buy an old dark house is for that sneaker passage and peekaboo portrait.

And they keep showing that they'll peekaboo portrait. Every so often someone's looking in, looking at them, so you know someone's watching them.

But they're not looking at anything in particular. The eye is just going all over the place.

It's like mad. Ey. Very. You got. You got a very limited range of motion sight when you're one of those things, It's. It's very disorienting. You know, what are you gonna eye shame people in this film? Really?

But then what?

They're probably looking for the girl with, like. Is that girl with the boobs here? No. No. Well, I mean, we had Stella Stevens walking around with her boobs out most of the time anyway, but there's always, like, one about to fall out.

Look, if you're a Playboy model, just go with it.

Do it.

Do what? You know, all three of us have been there.

She's supposed to be an oversexed airline stewardess. This is exactly what she should be wearing in a movie like this.

She plays the character really well.

Yeah, but. But, yeah, okay, so, right, what happens, Roddy? What happens right in this suit?

He starts to kind of get a little Color starts to get a little stiff, and his suit starts to suction up into him like. Like it starts to tighten around him. And it has this great shot of him, like, laying flat as a plank propped up against a chair with his suit. That's like, you know, suction to him, and it's slowly squeezing him.

Mugging for the gods.

No tape for that, huh? Things that. Things aren't turning out the way you.

You son of.

This is where I had another problem. It's going to be a gay thing. It. If you have Roddy McDowell and you have him in an extremely tight suit. Can we please see the butt?

You know what? There's a great shot of his butt when he falls when he's running away from the corpse. When they. When the corpse pops up in his room, he falls over the fireplace poker set after rewatch and his butt coochet. He looks great. But also just because I know now that from Elizabeth Taylor's autobiography that Rodney Mattel had the biggest dick in Hollywood. So I'm like, he did. He's got to bust through, right? Apparently, yeah.

Apparently.

It was huge. Apparently. It was gigantic. According to Elizabeth Taylor. And I think Elizabeth Taylor knows.

She would know. She's one of the boys.

Thank you.

But he eventually blows up, explodes in the suit.

It makes no sense. It's completely impossible. And I don't care, because it's like.

Those are amazing buttons.

How could you believe that? Master Robbie popping his buttons. Right, right, right in her face. God, everybody's got so Much go. You know, it's. Yeah, he gets. He gets killed by the suit. It doesn't make any sense and I don't care. It's. It's wonderfully ridiculous. But again, it's all about his vanity because, like, I knew. I knew exactly what you're going to do. You've always wanted my things, including my women. So, of course you're going to take this suit. It's going to be the last thing you ever wear. You're going to find it a little uncomfortable. The. The. Bro. I had to play the. All the audio for this because this was all great. It's like. Well, I found bits and pieces of scattered higgledy.

I found the assorted bits and pieces here in the drawing room. Yes, There. There was this head on a mantelpiece. All blue, it was. And blown up like a ruddy circus balloon.

Yes.

But I made out Master Robert right enough.

Yes, yes, I understand vividly.

Oh, it's cleaned up very nicely, that. Yes. And nestling over here in a corner was this pair of shoes. And scattered about higgledy piggledy was wee bits and pieces of what goes between the head on the shoes. Sort of like a jigsaw puzzle, you might say.

Please get to your question.

Right you are.

I'm sorry, man. Now all I want to clear up my report is this was all them various components, Master Robert, or might they have been Master Robert and some other person? And one of them.

There was only Robert.

Thank you, Mum. That saves a lot of further fuss and poking about. Odd sort of accident, really. Very odd, yes. Combination of too much heat and too much brandy, I suppose.

His head was over here, blown up like a circus balloon at the burial.

Are just.

The best part of this was that after he had this horrific description of Roddy Modell's death and she said, he's like. Do you understand what I'm talking about? Do you see what I'm saying? She's like, yes, vividly. But he goes, I have a question for you, lady dwelling. Do you think all those remains were just so Robbie. Might have been Sir Robbie and also a midget. Okay, that'll make my paperwork so much easier. Thank you, ladies. It's so good.

They just let him go.

Yeah.

They didn't write a thing for him. They're like, and you'll fill that in.

And it's all. It's so. It's horrific, but it's adorable. He's so adorable in this role. I love.

Well, like Doug was saying, every time someone dies, we cut to like their gravestone with, like, a raven on top of it. And then you see the gravedigger, and then you see the sheriff or the officer, so you can kind of let it in.

They have their. Yeah, they have the little Greek chorus commentary on whatever's going on. They have a joke that doesn't work every time they try to do a joke, and it doesn't work.

On time. Scraping up enough of M. Robert to fill this hole in proper. Well, rest in peace, as the saying goes. I'm rest in pieces too, I suppose.

Like the whole thing you mentioned earlier with the fog.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you think it's foggy here because they put a cemetery here? Or did they put a cemetery here because it's always foggy and the character is like, I don't know, what's the answer? No, it's not a riddle. Every one of their scenes ends with them walking away frustrated because nobody knows. They don't know what the other one's talking about, which I think is very cute. It's cute. Like nothing's hilarious, but it's cute.

Karen, my dear, don't you realize by now I mean to hold you to our agreement? I gave Robbie ample warning he was headed for disaster. He didn't listen. So I designed that suit especially for him. I'm afraid it will never be a popular model. There is no escape, Karen. You and I will always be together. And from now on, I'm sure you'll find it much easier to devote all your attention.

Well. Cause I think. I mean, they get rid of the lawyer of the.

I mean, he does say it's raining puppies and pussies and that's great, but the. No, but it's like. And then it's just a series of people that then want her and are willing to do stuff for her until they all die.

Well. Well, yeah. Another person will come in to take advantage of Stella Stevens, which she's more than okay with.

Yeah.

And the Arnold seems to have, like, preordained every. Or, you know, anticipated everything and has every contingency planned, including for the cat.

He never liked yet.

The shitty lawyer. The shitty lawyer who. The older one that we thought was gonna be okay, he's like, yeah, okay, I can help you out for 50%, but fringe benefits do.

Oh, Douglas, I'm so frightened. Please help me. Please.

Of course.

Yes, of course I will, my dear.

If I have to go on living with that thing, I'll go mad. There must be some way to free me from that sadistic agreement. I'VE signed.

Hmm.

Would require a good deal of clever legal manipulation.

I'll pay a generous fee and if you're successful, 10% of my share in the estate.

I rather think 50% would be more fitting, my dear. Plus fringe benefits.

50% plus fringe benefits. I won't pay it.

Well, I rather think that completes our business. Good night, lady dwellin. Do remember me to Arnold, please.

Douglas. 50%. Plus fringe benefits.

Plus fringe benefits.

Yeah. Eyebrows. Eyebrows. Waggling. I love that she said no. At first. I love to listen she said no, and then she's like, you know what? Okay, you know, if this is going to get me out of here a lot. What the fuck?

Oh, yeah. She's game for it after that.

Well, I don't know if she's game for it, but she's on board. Even though nothing really happens. I love this dude, that this guy's so cocky that Arthur knows I know that this guy's gonna steal my whiskey at some point because he always does. He's always gonna steal my cognac. And I love. Even the tape is like, hey, so did you enjoy that cognac?

I was never overly fond of you, Douglas. For one thing, you're an ungrateful wretch. If I hadn't kept you on lavish retainer all these years, you'd scarcely have any practice at all.

That's a damn lie.

Yet like all the other greedy members of this family, you feel cheated.

Of course. I dedicated my life to serving you and you threw me crumbs.

By the way, did you enjoy my excellent and very expensive vintage cognac or chap. You have a habit of helping yourself to it. I was certain you would again.

Oh, good Lord.

Oh, don't be alarmed, dear boy. The cognac isn't lethal. It will merely help you enjoy a very long, very deep and restful sleep.

Hey, guess what? It's okay. Okay, okay. It's not gonna kill you. It's all right. It's just gonna give you a nice nap. And I also love that. I love to love that. Okay. He winds up getting doped. He passes out and we see his body has been moved to the garbage tip wrapped. And the garbage gets.

Yeah, wrapped.

Him wrapped in plastic and gets thrown into a garbage truck to get compacted. But his body is sitting right on top of the garbage, so that means the garbage bin had to. They could not. Not see the dead body in the. But it's okay. I don't care.

We never hear him wake up. So it's like he's compacted, but you never hear him be like, what's going on? It's just.

Well, it's okay. He never. He never woke up. Yeah, he never woke, but he left his. His foot behind. So if the kitty drags any more body parts, just let him. Let him.

Oh, yeah, the kitty just drags. Drags in the boot.

Let Jonesy know it. He'll tip in the pit, the rest of them.

Seems a waste of precious space just to bury one foot, Mom.

Yes.

Pitifully small remains. Are you certain that it was cousin Douglas?

Oh, yes, yes. All in my report, Mom.

The.

The foot wasn't a great deal of help. Man's foot, it was size 10 AA. Well kept. And the. The sock was in rather nice taste, but the. The leg suspender was a little garish for my liking. No identifying marks or wounds. Unless, of course, he was to. To count where the ankle was cut off. No, no, Real puzzler it was. And then I put my investigative skills to work. Traced a boat to a firm in London. They made this precise footgear up special for solicitor White Ed.

Yeah.

Seems he had some sort of inverted instep, you know.

Very clever, Constable. How do you suppose that dear Douglas met with such an unfortunate accident?

Plain and simple, ma'.

Am.

Yes, it's all in my report. You see, the trail of blood went from the boot out into the street. Hit and run. It was dead of night. Dark street, black suit.

Oh.

Never knew what hit him. No, no, no, no. Poor chap. I should think they'd be picking up bits and pieces of. In between here and Liverpool for some time. I should wonder. Oh, if the cat drags in any new bits and pieces, Jonesy can dump them in the pit as they pop up.

No couth, no class.

Well, crikey. Many's the time I've heard the expression of having one foot in the grave. But. But what? But what? It's an expression. One foot.

It.

Oh, never mind.

But then. Yeah, but. So then it gets to where ultimately we. Stella Stevens gets killed off. And I was actually kind of surprised when that happened. I wasn't expecting.

I was.

I was too.

Yeah, I was. I thought she would have been protected by that enormous shower cap that she had on. That was insane. That thing was. That thing was like a Vegas headdress. She does have a big wig on to balance off her big movies. Yes. So she. She winds up hooking up with the other lawyer. The hotter lawyer. Yeah.

Farley Granger.

Yep.

Farley Granger from Strangers on a Train.

Yeah. And the prowler Hitch Hitchcock?

Yes.

You're so young, so attractive.

You can't go on with a macabre arrangement like this.

But I have to. It's the only way I can stay alive.

Well, I wouldn't call this staying alive. Don't you worry. Now that I'm taking over your affairs.

We'Ll get you out of this in a hurry.

You mustn't talk like that. Can't you see Arnold is lying right here watching and listening to every word.

Now you see him. No, you don't.

Now, about your arrangement with Mr. Whitehead.

Oh, Douglas was going to get me out of my agreement and help me dispose of Arnold for 50% of the estate plus fringe.

Benedict.

Well, they're very happy to make the same arrangement.

Oh, no, you can't. Don't you understand? He'll kill you too.

No, no, he doesn't know about me, remember?

Besides, Karen, he's not dealing with musty old Whitehead now.

Oh, that predictable fop. Robbie.

Maybe you can do something.

I think our first objective should be all that cash your husband is supposed.

To have hidden somewhere.

But yeah. So they're in the shower together and it goes up. Pans up and you see the walls come together. Crush.

Closing it very clumsily, yes.

Evan, what if Hester saw you?

Nobody saw me. I thought it was only decent to come scrub your back before we went out this evening.

Oh, no, no, no.

Ah, this way's better.

Evan, I guess you were close to.

Doug. It was very Jekyll and Hyde Club, that death.

Oh, was it cool?

Well, no, I mean the Jekyll and Hyde Club. I thought you might have been there because it was such a neurostaple. Whatever.

You would.

When you would go to the Jekyll and Hydra up. You had to go to this room at the beginning where you got an introductory speech from Dr. Jekyll, blah, blah, blah. But then all of a sudden the lights would go out and the ceiling would start.

Nice.

And you had to find the way out. So. And it was about. And it looked as. About as effective as the tv. But no, I was shocked. And again. Again, I was. Nevermind. I disproved my point. But. But yeah, there's another time the bodies are getting moved because we find out. Yeah, the bodies were found like in.

A car that went over like. Wait a minute. What?

Yeah, so somebody's doing a lot. Somebody's doing a lot of behind the scenes.

And one character left the cleaning and. Yes.

Oh, well, yeah. Jamie Farr gets his head cut off. Jamie Farr is such a disappointment in this movie. I mean, aside from the racist character like this, he gives so much nothing. Well, his character, I understand this character is a mute that nobody can understand and never. Nobody knows what he's doing. But it's so blank that I keep forgetting he's there and I don't care about him. So when he gets his head cut off, which is kind of a cool death.

It is a cool death.

Slip. It was nice. And I also like that there's no blood in the movie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's also like the cleaning job in this house because I mean like all the things that need to be cleaned up after all the death. It's immaculate. And I don't know this. That his character was doing it. Except the lab downstairs where he dies. That's all cobwebs and mice randomly standing on barrels in a scary way.

Well, it was. It was the secret. It was the secret laboratory that was only for Arnold. No one else was allowed down there.

No one else knew about it.

And no one's been cleaning.

Somebody should have cleaned. My husband was horrified.

Couldn't you hire some of them Cinderella mice to do the cleaning and make me.

Make us really long union?

They were. They were barrel fucking lazy Brits. But yeah, it turns out that the. The secret killer, the secret system, the whole time has been gloriously chipper. Elsa Lanchester.

Well done. My dear, devoted Hester. The playing of this tape means that you carried out your final assignment with all the devotion you displayed in a lifetime of caring for me. And as I planned so brilliantly, we can now be together, you and me, forever. Jocelyn would never have agreed to it. Karen did agree, but I knew she was as faithless as Jocelyn. And now each is disposed of.

I got two this last time. One you never even counted on.

I think I may be forgiven a touch of immodesty if I say my scheme was simply masterful. My psychological skill, my ability to outwit and outguess easily prevailed over all those greedy little people.

Shut up, Arnie. Your skill, your wits, your genius. Without me, your plot would be nothing but yards of ridiculous tape. I timed the arrival of the tapes and the suit and I told Jonesy how to get Karen and the solicitor into the car and Cousin Douglas into the trash box and all the other detailed. Did you really imagine that I'd keep you around forever like some monstrous stuffed animal?

I only used you, Arnie, just as you used me.

Nighty night, Arnie. I'm going to tuck you in. Nice and warm.

Happy. Yes, she's the one. And we find out she's actually kind of bloodthirsty herself when they're date, when it's the gravedigger digging a grave and.

She'S like, oh, pinafore.

Yeah. Can you go down in there a little bit and just, you know, he goes in there and she's like, this grave isn't free. Isn't for Arnold.

It's free.

Isn't that nice, Jonesy? You've got it all finished. You've been a big help to me and I do appreciate.

Well, would you mind showing your appreciation with a bit of cold cash, Mum, like you promised? After all, I put in a lot of extra hours.

Yes, yes, of course. As soon as we dispose of Arnie.

Oh, well, I don't see the box. Mom.

Arnie is right here. I had him cremated.

My goodness, is Lord ship cook right down to nothing, doesn't he?

Yeah. Oh.

Oh, Jonesy, there's a nasty big rock down there. Would you move it, please? We want it all comfy cosy ahoy.

Yes, I'm all comfy cosy for Lord Arnold, eh?

Brave is not for Arnie. No.

It'S for you, Jonesy. It's for you. Jonesy was such a great moment and she looks deranged. It's a great scary moment. The goose people moment of the movie. But I love her whole coffin monologue too, because when we're finding out that it's her, it's the big reveal. She's so happy. She's so pleased with herself. She's. She's done. I've helped my brother. We've done the good thing. We've done this together. I got. I got two last time and I got one you didn't even think about. But he's not giving her any credit. He's like, I am the greatest. I have every day. I am the most amazing person. She's like, you didn't think about this? You didn't think about this. I've been taking care of all the little minor details that you didn't think of, you son of a bitch. And we realized that all this repressed rage comes out in this coffin monologue. And it's a wonderful thing. It's a wonderful moment. She's like, fuck you. You think I'm keeping you around. Are you crazy? You're going to crematory. Bye bye. Fucker. I'm out of here. I'm going to Rome more.

Yep. So like everyone else.

But yeah, yeah. And then when, when she Then we find that she's. Jonesy has also been helping Jones. The caretaker has been helping her move bodies and things like that. So she's had. There's been two killer assistants.

So she does take the. So she gets him. So he's cremated, and she then takes him to the family crypt. Here's why. I have another question. If they have this huge, wonderful crypto, why have they been burying all the bodies in the backyard? Like, when they know that there's no space?

Because they're not the important ones. Like this. This. This is for the important family. I think that the crypt is for the important family. That's for Arnold. That's for the people that Arnold. All the other people. You go in the. You go in the yard.

They're not going to desecrate it with the bodies of the help.

Huh? He murdered them. He doesn't like them. You could go sit in the yard.

The brother probably should have been in the cr. At least. There was no room left in the yard.

You know what? There was barely anything left of him. They said there was this. Like, we had. We said we had barely enough. We could barely find enough to fill up the coffin. We're not even sure we got all the parts. We can't put him in the coffin. He's. He's a mess. He's a mess. And plus, if you keep putting people in the crypt, they might find the money.

That's true.

We can't have people finding the money because that's where the money is. Yeah.

This catch 22 bothered me because she. She finds the money in the crypto, and of course, you know, goes in there and, like, has her wonderful monologue as she's, like, derangedly moving the bills around and looking at a notebook.

Scrooge. Been ducking it in the doubloons.

You've been helping. Well, I was like. And she's been helping Arnold with every motherfucker and their vices, and she's, like, walking into a trap. Like, she's hasn't set it up for all these other people. Maybe if he found her spot.

Hubris. Hubris. This is all about hubris?

Oh, yeah.

My dear, devoted Hester. I was so sure you were the one person who loved me for myself alone, with no thought of monetary rewards.

Yes. Honey, do you know how close we've always been?

But, dear sister, just in the terrible event you should prove me wrong, I devised this final moment of reckoning.

No, no, not Annie.

I did everything.

Everything, just as you said.

I know. I couldn't be here unless you had disposed of me against my wishes. And you wouldn't be here unless you had placed me here.

I leave the money right here.

Arnie.

What could it.

Molly, esri, really, no need for tears or recriminations. We both have what we most want.

Honey, you're teasing me.

Honey, you have that hoard of money at your fingertips. And I have you with me here for all eternity.

Eternity.

Eternity. Eternity. And then it, you know, the door close, shuts her in, and then there's like a perfect sound system in the room.

Of course.

Gorgeous, smooth voiceover, surround sound.

Yeah, she's. She's just been buried alive and she doesn't know it yet. And I love that it takes her a while to even believe it. And she's like, please, she's not panic. It takes her a long time to start panicking. I thought that was so wonderfully grizzly. And then we just panning around going, well, everybody's dead. Everybody's dead. Everybody's dead. And when I watch it with my group, Tara Gardner goes, oh, at least the cat survive.

Oh, oh, yeah. The cat doesn't.

There's one more death.

There's been a running. There's been a running gag with the cat trying to get the. The raven.

Well, there. There are other, like the other way around.

The raven got the raven got the cat.

Well, there was in the beginning, there was like, oh, well, he and Arie have never been on the best of terms and I guess that was the setup. But that cat looked a lot like my Ricky and was very upset.

You know, I'm just going to say, if that cat was in that house, that cat was a dick.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. It was a dick by association.

That's a cunty kitty. Yeah, yeah.

But everybody that did poor little Barnard F is like, well, everybody's gone. And I guess she's off on her trip that she so greatly deserves.

Smell cat runs off and then a raven goes for the cat and just kills the cat. Behind. Behind.

Well, pussycat, it appears nobody home up at the manor. Lady Esther must have gone off on that long trip she always dreamed of. Yes. Yes. Well, after all she's been through, she deserves it.

And. And then Shani sings Arnold Blaring, blaring, jarring reprise and I'm there for it. It was.

Yeah, it's such a camp. It's always moving. It loses a little steam when they're, like, wandering in, like, little corridors, secret corridors. But other than that, it was. It picks up.

But you need that in an old dark house movie. That, that's the core of an older. You can't. You can't yell. You always have to have somebody in a diaphanous nightgown wandering around with a candelabra at some point. You need that.

Oh, we also have the dream sequences. The dream sequences.

Oh, yeah, the dream ballet.

That was dumb.

You know what?

Her. The. I don't. I don't. I thought it was a waste of time and I thought it needed to come later. So there were more bodies, more corpses.

Yeah.

Because there's only two. It was just Jocelyn and only two at the time.

But some great eye crossing acting.

But her makeup, Jocelyn's face guard makeup is horrific in that scene. It's really great considering how goofy the rest of the movie is. Is. Her scarred face is terrifying. She's got that, like the one eye that's boiled. That is.

Yeah.

That is grim.

But just her running in slow motion in diaphanous gowns. Gowns and fog and. And Arnold actually gets to move around and did he actually talk? The dream?

No.

Okay. I thought there was.

Okay, I. I thought, like, his, you know, his mouth is closed, but his laugh is happening.

Yeah. Or at least he's.

Even the voiceover sound system in the dream is. Is on full tilt.

Yeah.

Yeah. And it. That's. That's not. That wasn't the actor doing the voiceover. Oh. It wasn't two different people.

Damn.

Yeah. It's a crazy little movie. But I. I saw it and I said, this is perfect for us because it's got that privatized feel to it and it doesn't go too far with anything to scare Doug.

No. I was a little scared watching it.

And it's goofy enough and it's gay enough that there's lots to talk about and people don't know about it. It's been lost for a long time. And I think I thought it was good. It was a good movie. But when I screened it the other night for my group and there's like seven or eight people watching it with a crowd, it played really well. They loved it. They ate it up like candy.

I can see that.

And especially. Especially now, like, people were like, people. This is me and the show. Like the way things are right now. I'm having trouble watching horror movies, so it's just as well I'm. I'm wrapping up because it's. If I don't know how they end, I get stressed out. I don't like it. And plus, everything's so dark. These Days. So there's always a trepidation when we have movie next. Be like, is this gonna be, like, really creepy and sad and depressing? But people were just so delighted by the whole thing. Like, that was such wicked fun. Yeah, that was wicked. We get to see. We get to see A plus actors taking this bullshit material at an A plus level. Nobody is slacking in this movie because it's a goofy film. And. And it pays off.

I feel that way about the imposters. I mean, the imposters. It is my favorite movie of all time.

I know.

Is an A plus film. But it's. But is also just like actors that never get to do these roles having the time in their life when you said.

I mean, it very much is like Dr. Phibes in the theater of blood. And because there's a little scene where it's just a murder thong. It's just an excuse to kill people in weird ways. And once it gets the plot going, that's all this movie is. It's just, let's just kill a person. Someone else. Okay. Let's kill someone else. Let's kill else.

Well, that's what this discussion boiled down to. Because we're running out of time. Okay. We go about the plot forever. But ultimately that's not what is important. It's the bizarro ways people die. Yes. Is what you're gonna remember. And the musical numbers, of course. Yeah.

Yeah.

And if you're a certain kind. Stella Stevens. Because she is. She's really beautiful in this.

She is. She is. She's. I don't know if she was. I'm torn with her because at certain points I'm like. I didn't feel like she played it right. But on the other hand, I'm like, she played it to match what everybody else was doing. Wasn't playing a cartoon.

Right.

Of. Of. Of the bimbo.

But when she saw Jamie Farr's death, she did get to do across your eyes and faint.

I was very pleased for her.

Good job. That was like Rodney McDowell level. I was very proud of her because he also die.

Look, I went to Stella Adler for an extra four years to learn how to cross my eyes. And I am going to do it in this goddamn movie. I didn't get to do it. The goddamn design adventure. I'm gonna do it now.

Stella Adler. I was supposed to go to Stella Adler to learn to act up. Which is Stella Stevens. That explains my career.

That explains why you can't walk up a ladder in high heels. I knew it.

It Was down the street across a.

Little less so close. But you know what? The gays love you. That's why the gays love you.

By the way, here's who the Jew had a problem with the movie. There were funerals, there were burials, there were weddings. Nothing to eat. I don't remember anybody eating in this movie. I was dying for them. Eating the cat at the end.

Well, Arnold like to torture everyone. That's why. Make sure no one has fun at his funeral.

Not a cake, not a cookie, not a cracker you don't put out. No, that's the horror in this movie. Not the good kind of horror.

The horror.

The horror.

I mean, what is a good. What is a good act app for will reading? I don't know. What. What you put out for that sort of. I don't know. I don't. Cheetos, Wheat Thins, I don't know.

Oh, yeah.

What kind of dip. What kind of dip you.

Carrots.

What kind of dip. What kind of dip do you serve at the seventh funeral we've had this week?

The. The French onion mix. Powder out of some sour cream. There's always some in the category.

There always is. There always is. And you know what? What, are you gonna complain? Nevermind. There's only one of you here. There's only one person here at this funeral because everyone else is dead. All right, boys, I think we've done this crazy movie.

Can we talk about all the amazing work that you've done?

Patrick, we can do that.

It has been such an honor playing with you and thank you for making the space for me in a realm that I can never have anything to do with. It is such a joy, like seeing everything that you create and bring into the world. And I am honored to know you.

Here's the thing, folks. This is one of the ironic things I don't think I've ever brought up to Doug before. Doug, Doug, what's an actor statement?

An actor statement?

Yeah, yeah.

A branding statement.

Branding statement. Yes.

So as an actor, what is that? You get to choose what it is you sell. And if you could describe it for your buyers, then it makes it clear to them by using already successful references. So for me, I'd say that I'm a bass baritone down to a low C with the intelligent charm of Kevin Klein, the physical wit of Groucho Marx, and the sensitive soul and hair of Patrick Dempsey.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Maybe it wasn't what I was asking for. Oh, no, that little. No, no, that's. That is actually. Yes, but Then you also. You also have a little thing where you, like, you try to condense it into something that's even smaller. Like, like, like. Like a model.

Like. So for me, it'd be fearless mensch. Or Alex is. Looks like hair. Sounds like showboat.

He's a fearless mensch. Except when he comes on my show that he's afraid of everything. So he's not. He's not that fearless. He's not that fearless. So your branding statement is a lie, Doug. It's a lie.

I'm afraid to let you down. That's why I showed you.

Oh, okay. Yes, I know. Yeah. It has been a long, strange trip. And one of the things that I didn't mention. Started to mention before, and I. Sorry, I'm gorgeous. Yes. I mentioned how you guys shaped the show when you weren't around. Oh, Trey.

Yes.

You are a very direct person. Yes. I am one of your most prominent characters. One of your most. I'm sorry, I'm having trouble with words because my brain fog is kicking in, but I'm going to work through it and not get stressed about it. Yeah. It's one of the most, for me, admirable qualities. And over time, I'd be like, back when the show first started, I would just, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And over time, I'd just be like, could you make this more direct? Could you make this more direct? Like, people are like, trey. Would Trey care about this part? Or Trey wanted the movie. And Doug, you always inspired me on how to make the show kinder. When I first started, the show was mean because that's what was in. Huh. I thought, you know, because that's what every other movie podcast would do. You take a show, take a movie, and you'd rip it apart because that's what people wanted to hear. And that is the easy way to get ratings is to just shit on everything. Yeah. But working with Doug, you know what? This. This hundreds of people that worked in this film. People put these films, even if they suck. People that. It's a life's dream. Some of these people, they. They gave everything they had to make this shitty, shitty movie. Find something to like about it.

Those four find something good about it.

There's got to be something about. Thank you. And yeah. So just. Yes. The ongoing influence you two had on the show, and it's been big shaping in the second half of, like, in the latter years past summer.

Oh, you hear that?

Yeah. And your love for this Patrick has shaped like countless podcasts that have come after you.

Yes, I know the ones that all make the money. But you know what?

Go with God.

There's always someone younger and prettier coming up behind you on the staircase. That's what I've learned from loaming alone. And it's totally true how they get.

A part in this town.

Not bad. I'm not absolutely. But. All right, boys, I think that's all I'm going to be able to do tonight. I would love to stay and talk to you more, but my body's saying no, that's fine. I'm sorry, boys.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

I love you both. Thank you so much for being on this crazy journey with me.

Thank you for letting us join. This is always. I've. I've loved always being on your show.

No, thank you. All right.

And I love listening to it, so I didn't have to watch it.

Until we meet again. Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay fantastic.

Love you.

Mean it.

Love you.

Ray. That was wild. Woo. Thank you so much to my very special guest, Tradeine and Doug Shapiro for coming on and classing up this episode with their unique blend of joie de vivre and rugged masculinity. Now, if you're like me and you adore Trey and you adore Doug, and you just can't get enough of them into your life, remember Trey Dean is my co host over at DamienClewis, which is the Friday the 13th the series retrospective podcast that we've been doing with Maya Murphy for the past couple of years. But Patrick, isn't that a Patreon exclusive podcast? I'm not a Patreon subscriber. Up until now. Now, Damian Wonka Lewis has been only available to those who support the Scream quiz universe on Patreon. However, the show will be going public in October. But even though technically Damian Wonka Lewis is on hiatus until then, we're still put. We're putting out very Special Friday the 13th the series spectacular episodes between now and then to tide you over. What does that mean? Well, it's like a Friday the 13th the series particular, but for Friday the 13th the series. I don't have time to explain everything because he'll be here all night. If you want more trading, you can find him there. But I also want Doug Shapiro. I'm getting to Doug Shapiro. Would you calm down? If you also want Doug Shapiro in your life, you are very lucky because in addition to being a sexy voice in your ears on A podcast. Doug Shapiro is a professional stage actor, which means if you are in the New Hampshire area, you can see him doing his thing live and on stage at the fabulous Barnstormers Theater in Tamworth, New Hampshire, where right now, now Doug is starring in the world premiere of a brand new murder mystery play called Fred Murder. Following that, he's in Agatha Christie's the mousetrap starting on August 2nd. I heard he plays the mouse. He's very cute in it. And I was trying to get in touch with Doug because we recorded this episode so long ago. I wanted to confirm this, but he might be performing in the 25th annual Putnam County Spelling Bee starting on August 21st. But I'm not sure because, listen, I know the adults played the children in that show, but Doug, honey, the makeup's only gonna do so much. How big is this theater? Is it like stadium seating? I'm not saying you're old. I'm just saying it's theater magic, Doug, not theater sorcery. I mean, Lucille Ball thought she could pull off Mame, but you do you, honey. Now, I know some of you guys are thinking, Patrick, what a mean thing to say to Doug after he was just on your final episode. That's what you get for not returning my phone calls. Trying to confirm your schedule. Anyway, links for more information about Damewonka Lewis and the Barnstormers Theater summer schedule. All right. Down there in your show notes. So I highly recommend looking down there and going clickety click. All right, my beautiful, beautiful screamers. I suppose I've put off the inevitable for as long as I can, and it's time to start saying goodbye. But like the old disco song said, I never can say goodbye, Boy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And the best part is, I don't have to say goodbye to you. Today is not a goodbye. It's a see you later. Okay. Okay, I know you're confused, and you're probably angry. Like, was this all an emotional fake out? No, no, no. It is not an emotional fake out. Scream Queens, the podcast where horror gets gay, is now officially over. It has run its course. Long live the course Queen. And while today marks the end of Scream Queens, the podcast where horror gets gay, it also marks the beginning of the Scream Queens podcasting network. One of the things about Scream Queens, the podcast that I have been wrestling with for years is, is the fact that it's enormous. The amount of time I put into the show is enormous. But also everything else that comes with it is enormous is the Fact that it was the first horror podcast made by and for the gay community, that's a huge thing. But also. But now it's not just the first queer horror podcast, it's the longest running queer horror podcast. And for the past few years, every time I sat down to record an episode, the same questions would keep nagging at me. Patrick, are you continuing to do this show year after year after year because you love, love it or because you really don't want to give up that title of being the longest running podcast? Are you doing the show because you love it or because you don't know what to do without it? Because without it, you'll have this huge empty void in your life that you won't know how to deal with. It's probably no surprise to you, my wise listener, that my answer to all three of those questions was yes, yes, yes, Yes, I love doing Scream Queens. It changed my life. Yes, I don't know what I'd do without Scream Queen. It changed my life. It's transformed who I am, and I don't know who I am without it. And yes, I'm a petty bitch. I want all the fucking titles and accolades that I can get. I've earned them. And you can, you can take my trophy for the longest running queer horror podcast out of my dead, gay, fabulously manicured hands. But it turns out that was the easy part of the problem. What took me a long time to accept was that it was okay that all three of those answers were yes. It took me a really long time to be able to say yes. Scream Queens has not only changed my life and redefined my life, it's a part of me. It's like an organ. It's a living, breathing part of who I am. And that's. And saying that isn't a corny conceit. It's not esoteric woo woo bullshit, and it's not ego driven either. It's just fact. And that's okay. Now you're probably thinking, wow, Patrick, what an inspiring, empowering conclusion to finally come to. That must have been so freeing and shockingly. No, it wasn't. Because I realized, bear with me. This will all make sense soon. I hope. Scream Queens is a part of me. It's a living, breathing thing. However, living, breathing things need to be able to change and grow in order to survive. But scream queens can't do that. Because scream queens, by definition, is bound to stay the same thing forever. It's right there in the show title. What's Scream Queens? It's the podcast where horror gets gay. That's all it can do. That's all it can be. With that show, all I could do is make horror gay. That's it. And that's a great thing to do. It's kept me busy for 16 years now. But you can't just turn it into something else, can you, Patrick? No. Or can I? I realized I had to think bigger. I had to think differently on a different, different, different angle. I realized in order to keep growing and changing and not becoming stagnant, I had to think past the show. I had to think about what drove the show, the spirit behind the show. That and the. Not just the spirit, but also not the Everything that came with it. All the baggage, all the. All the. Okay, I'm not doing this. I was doing this properly, let's say just a message. Imagine that I spent 16 years building this huge theater in which I perform Scream Queen as a show twice a month for you. And we got all the lavish reviews and we got all the accolades and all that stuff that all went into this building. It was this whole huge space that was created for this one thing. I had to think, okay, what else can I use? This space that I've created for this one show? What else can I do with this? Using all these sets and props and costumes that I've hosted and collected over the years. What can I do to keep moving forward, to keep growing, to keep changing, but also still honoring the spirit that made me do Scream Queens in the first place. And the little Doug Shapiro in my head just started screaming, this is a branding statement. It's not a branding statement, Doug. I don't know what it is, but basically I realized that it was this network to become a podcast network, creating new shows of my own and also nurturing other people's shows, giving them a home. So that's what I'm going to do. Scratch that. That's what I'm doing now. This is not going to be an instant process. Not going to be. All of a sudden I'm going to. Come October, November, I'm going to have this lavish grand opening. It's going to be this huge, glistening monstrosity of a queer, hard network. But these are the first things. And I have a go. I have. And right now I've just mapped out a few series of baby steps getting me to this new goal. The first is, of course, getting damn you, Uncle Lewis public by October or November. Within the next, within the next year, I would like it came from the 70s to join them on the network, off of Patreon and Public. I've had a great time making horror movies gay for you for 16 years. But I kind of want to stop talking about movies. I want to talk about the people that make make them. I've really enjoyed the couple of sit downs that I've done with filmmakers like Bart Mastronardi and Alan o' Kelly and Chris Moore. So Scream Queens, where Hargitsuki is going to be coming. Scream Queens colon, behind the scenes. And the fun thing is you won't have to go anywhere. You won't have to change anything. You just stay right where you are and these shows will all be appearing on the feed where you already. You don't have to go anywhere or subscribe to anything new. They'll all be coming to this one place. And the fun thing is too, that I realized and the safety net under all of this is the fact that I have enough classic episodes of Scream Queens, this whole catalog, 16 years worth of Scream Queens episodes, that I could basically syndicate myself forever. I had to pull 10 years worth of classic Scream Queens episodes from public consumption a few years back because of possible music copyright issues, potential music copyright issues. When these laws change. And so they've gone unheard for a while, there's no place to get them. But now I've started re editing them. I'm taking the music mistakes out and so they'll have a place to be. So in the Scream Queens Podcasting network, we will be honoring the new, we will be encouraging the new and also honoring the old. This has not been an easy decision. It's not been a fun decision, but it's the right decision. And I'm feeling good about leaving, leaving us here for now. Because this isn't goodbye. It's a see you later. And there you have it. That is my business plan for the future of Scream Queen. It's the Scream Queen Podcast Network. I hope that you're excited for it because I don't know if you can tell how excited I was to get that information out to you that I have a plan for the future of the show. Because, you know, it's so important for me to do that because as long as I was talking business, I would not have to deal with how much this hurts or how scared I am right now. The answer, it's a lot. And since I don't know what else to do, it's time to wrap this puppy up. So until next time, my beautiful, beautiful screamers, please continue to make the world a more fabulously creepy place. And you do that by following the Scream Queen's golden rule. Roll. Hey. Indulge in old queen. Which one? Last time. Recite it with me. Fight or flight. Survive the night. Make it to the final real. Stay safe, my beauties. Stay healthy. And most of all, stay fabulous. Never forget how much I love you. All of the music for tonight's show, unless otherwise specified, has been written by Sam Haynes. You can find all of his music@www.bandcamp.com.

Ew.

Oh, how do I love thee Just. Oh, wait, no. The. Oh, the. The final one. Love has found away on this, our wedding day. Arnold.

Arnold.

Arnold.

Arnold.

And in a moment now we'll take our vow Arnold, darling, darling, are you tender?

Way more than I do I just.

Know because it's so good.