E061 - Am I The Toxic One? 3 Simple Questions To Find Out If You're The Narcissist In Your Relationship
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[00:00:00] If you are wondering why you feel like the toxic one and if it's true. This episode is going to give you what you need to answer that question for good.
Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.
Hello. And welcome back to the episode. Today, we're talking about the painful ping-ponging that we can go back and forth in our brain. Around the question of, am I the toxic one or maybe even am I the narcissist? So in this episode, you will have a really easy way to be able to finally answer that question for good.
When you're lost in dysregulated, in that ping pong game, inside your brain. You are going to be able to step outside of self blame and judgment and raise your self-esteem. [00:01:00] And you're going to get a mindset shift from judgment to compassion so that you can stop second guessing yourself and really start to feel confident in your relationship. And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode where I'll pull an Oracle card. To offer you a message that you can use this week to stay more conscious in your healing. Okay.
Let's dive in. I mean, This question is brought up all of the time. By clients, by people who reach out to me for free calls. Am I the toxic one. Am I the narcissist? So let's just paint this example, shall we. Let's say you're in a heated argument with your partner and words are flying. Voices are raised. You don't really know what you're even talking about anymore.
You started, you came into the conversation. With one sort of issue and you feel really spun up and confused and. The, the volume is just so loud that you don't even know what you're talking about anymore. And by the end of this [00:02:00] interaction, you feel completely wiped out. Totally fucking drained. And then later you start to replay this in your mind, and you're trying to really understand what went wrong. You're starting to try to understand what did I do wrong?
And a small voice comes in and whispers, is it me? M I have a problem. And do you start to convince yourself that you are. You are noticing that these disagreements leave you feeling really heavy. Really broken release, spun around really confused, really wrong. And you go immediately to that place of maybe on the toxic one. Maybe my reactions. ~Are falling ~are causing everything to fall apart. And maybe if you were just different. Things could be better. And ~it, ~it really just puts us in this place of self-questioning. It is constant self questioning, which is constant [00:03:00] chipping away at our self-esteem. And you try, you try everything, right?
You try going to therapy, you try learning the tools. You are trying harder to avoid conflict. You are maybe tiptoeing around issues or maybe swallowing your thoughts to be able to keep the peace. ~Because you're so convinced that you're the problem that if you just shut up, then there won't be any more problems. ~And you're caught in this cycle of blaming yourself and, or withdrawing completely,
just like I'm out. This is too overwhelming. I don't even know how to interact in this dance. So, because everything's my fault. I'm just going to step back. I know this dance, so well personally, literally have been in your shoes of. Having this exact thing happened with the conflict with an ex partner. Convincing myself.
It was my fault. Going down the judgment lane of I'm the toxic one. I need to fix myself and then diving. So head first into [00:04:00] therapy. And the self-help books and the podcasts. And all of the things to try to figure out how to fix myself, because I had really committed. And believed for real. That I was the toxic one. That spiral that we can get in can feel like a very hopeless out of control place where no matter what we're doing, it really feels like we're not doing it right.
And things aren't changing. They aren't getting better. And so what I want to give you right now is a better tool. To first be able to assess. If you're the toxic one, like we just, we have to start with just that question before we start diving into all of the solutions. ~Right. ~If we don't know. What we're trying to solve, or what is ours to solve, then it's going to be a much longer process. So I want to give you these three questions that you can use to gain clarity.
When you start asking yourself, am I the toxic one? [00:05:00] Or am I the narcissist? Okay. Number one question. Do I take accountability for what is mine? Taking accountability. And our relationship is vital. We have to, because there's never something that's always one person's fault. Right. Two people are dancing in this, in this dance of relationship.
Sometimes I step on his toes. Sometimes he steps on my toe. We take accountability for these things. And it's never, always one person's fault. So do you have the capacity, the capability. To say, oh, this is my shit. This is my shit. That's coming up from childhood. This is my shit. That's coming up from my last relationship. ~Um, ~maybe you know, that you have a really hard time setting boundaries.
So you take accountability for not communicating the way that you really want to and taking the steps to then learn how to do that better. Maybe you are. [00:06:00] Taking accountability when you do something out of integrity. So let's say that. Yelling is just really not in your nature and you lose it with your kids one day. Are you able to go back to your kids and say, oh, Mom got really overwhelmed and I made a mistake and that was really wrong of media yell at you.
You don't deserve that. Can we talk about it? That is taking accountability. Owning up to what is yours? Not blaming it all on the other person, not blame shifting to get out of a conversation. ~But, ~but being able to say, yeah, This is mine and I want to fix it. So that's question one. Do I take accountability for what is mine? Question two. Can I put myself in someone else's shoes.
Feeling empathy. For somebody is being able to put yourself in their shoes. . It's being able to understand [00:07:00] as best you can, their struggle. Maybe where they're coming from, maybe why they're doing what they're doing. And approaching that person with curiosity. And interest. Of. Oh, tell me more about that. I'm sure that feels really hard for you.
I want to know more. So do you, do you show empathy? Can you put yourself in someone else's shoes? Can you see. When you hurt somebody on accident, right? When you accidentally step on their toe during the dance, can you see how that would cause them to have a feeling. And do you. Do you allow yourself to have that perspective of oof. I know I didn't mean to do that, but I know that that probably still hurt them regardless of my intention. So asking yourself, can I put myself in someone else's shoes?
Do I have empathy? You know, it's with me so far. Number one. Can I take [00:08:00] accountability for what is mine? Number two, can I put myself in another person's shoes? Do I have empathy? And number three. Is do I take actions? To understand myself and my relationships. Better. To improve. Myself and my relationships. Number one, you're listening to this podcast.
So I'm going to go ahead and just give everyone a freebie that. This is a yes for you. You typically, if you're interested in a podcast like this, you typically are wanting to better yourself. You're wanting to become the best version of yourself in relationships. And you may be in therapy.
He may be in coaching. You may be listening to the podcast, doing the self-help books. You may be immersed in all of the, the. The self-growth world that might be a deep value of yours. And you're trying to implement the things that you're learning. So this question of, am I taking the [00:09:00] actions? To better understand myself. And my relationships. Points to you wanting to grow. Okay. So when you start to go into that spiral, Taking these three questions.
Number one, can I take accountability for what is mine? Number two, can I put myself in their shoes and have empathy? Number three.
Do I take actions to better understand myself and my relationships. If you answer. Yes. To these questions. I want you to know deeply and profoundly that you are not a narcissist. Okay. We are not absolving ourselves from any sort of. ~Again, ~taking accountability for parts in the relationship that we can show up better to. But with these questions, you can weed out that you are not the narcissist and I'm using narcissist and toxic one kind of interchangeably here.
Because usually when we start to question [00:10:00] ourselves, we're thinking that we're the narcissist, right? We're thinking that we're the one that is intentionally causing harm in the relationship and intentionally causing problems and intentionally manipulating. And maybe your partner's telling you that you're the narcissist or you're the toxic one, and that you are doing all of these things intentionally.
And it's just enough information that. You start to you start to question. And so these questions, if you answer, yes, you can take accountability. You can feel empathy. You're taking actions to better yourself in your relationships. These all point to you not being the toxic one. People who are toxic to relationships. Whether they are narcissistic, whether they are emotionally immature. Whether they have another mental health disorder. They lack the abilities to do all of the above. So they are not interested in seeing where they can take [00:11:00] accountability. Or where they have blame in their part of things. They cannot put themselves in someone else's shoes and see how their actions may have been detrimental to someone's feelings or. Have caused an experience that. Maybe they didn't mean to cause even, but they can't understand why that was hurtful. And they definitely are not taking steps. We're putting in the effort to understand themselves. Or taking serious actions to show up differently in the relationship.
So literally you having that question in your brain.
Am I the toxic one? It's almost enough information in itself. To point. To you not being that person because it's self-reflective and you're willing to take accountability and do something about it. But it also shows that you're willing to grow.
That is the exact opposite of what somebody who is toxic to a [00:12:00] relationship. Is in, does. If you think about being toxic to something that's trying to grow, you're preventing the growth. I think about a plant, right? A plant when it's thriving is growing. If we throw chemicals on it throughout the toxicity on it. ~It, ~it hinders the growth. You being here, listening to this, asking yourself this question.
Am I the toxic one? I can say with almost a hundred percent certainty that you're not, and I want you to go back and use those questions every single time. That part of you comes in and is fully convinced that you are. Okay, because when we can start from knowing that we're not the toxic one, Then we can lower the judgment around how we feel about ourself. We can help to regulate our nervous system and say, I'm not perfect. By no means. Am I perfect in this relationship? But I'm willing to work on it.
I'm willing to see where I need to grow. I'm willing to do what I need to do in [00:13:00] order to do that. And I'm willing to have empathy for people along the way. ~And so. That opens up so much. Possibility for you. ~When you're meeting yourself with compassion. You are able to access more of your brain that helps you to make change, to make new neural pathways literally. And to show up differently in relationships. Because you can only control your side of the street here. You identifying first and foremost that you're not the toxic one. Allows you to then see the places. That are yours to take accountability for, to change the things that you can change on your side of the street and your side of the relationship. And from there you have a better observational capacity to see. What the other person is doing. Is the other person meeting you? Are they also putting in effort?
Are you starting to grow in different directions? Do you better understand what you need and want and value, and they are not meeting that. It opens up a lot more. [00:14:00] Space for us to be discerning around the type of relationship that we're in.
So shifting out of that mindset, shifting out of that judgment mindset is. So, so, so key for you to be able to find even deeper clarity about what that relationship is. Your place in it and where you want to go. With it, if you want to continue to go forward with it.
One other piece about compassion that is important to say, and then I want you to really. Like hold on to here is that this is part of the journey. You are learning new skills. You are learning new ways to interact. You're learning new. ~Uh, ~things to be aware of in relationships. So that you can do things differently. You're learning a new skill because you've been practicing the one that you were programmed with or had been ~whatever, for whatever reason, ~using your whole life up until now. And so you're on the right path.
You're exactly in the [00:15:00] right place. This is your journey. And you have so much control. Remember that you can always change the way you're looking at something ~the way. ~What you're open to seeing how you, how you are showing up what you're doing, what you're accepting, what you're not accepting. Starting to set boundaries. There's always movement. And to not feel so stuck and so confused. Is one of ~like ~my biggest goals in life is to help women. Feel unstuck and UN unconfused.
No. Clear, I don't know. Clear clear and their brain. Not in the fog is what I'm trying to say. So you're exactly where you need to be. Have compassion for where you are. We covered a lot today. And as we always do in these episodes.
So let's just quickly recap what it is that you have from this episode now. You have the three questions that you can. Very easily come back [00:16:00] to every time your brain starts to take you in the am I the crazy one mine's mine spiral so that you can not feel lost and dysregulated that you can have a very tangible thing that can help you find clarity and truth for yourself, help you have that reminder. For yourself. You now have a better perspective. Of the relationship dynamic. And to start to step outside of self-blame. To raise your self esteem to have a better perspective on the relationship as a whole. To then be able to make any moves that you need to move that are in your control. And now you also got a little mindset shift around judgment to compassion. Which is going to help you do all of these things and stop second guessing yourself. When we can meet ourselves with compassion, we can regulate the nervous system and we can come back into that knowing within our body. [00:17:00] Which is so important for you reconnecting your intuition. For trusting your decisions, it will just ripple out your healing and the way that you show up in relationships. So all of that said. Let's pull a card because this is maybe my favorite part of these relations or these relationships of these. Uh, what are we doing?
Podcast episode. So I'm just going to start shuffling the deck. And asking the Oracle deck, what is the message? That you as the listener. Needs to hear today.
And we got touch your stuff. This is a picture of a hand that looks like it's touching a button. That's like radiating outwards, potentially. So, let me find it in the book and I'll read you what it says. Touch your stuff is calling you home. You've been away too long. It's time to take inventory and reconnect with what is yours? You [00:18:00] have what you need right now. ~The ~touch your stuff invites you to call in that, which brings you back to yourself. The unique connection to your inner and outer worlds. It's okay to check in.
This is your safe space here, surrounded by the loved ones. Here's surrounded by the ones you love, you have traveled far and need to feel your home base, that place of belonging. Call a friend. Look at old pictures, clean the house. Reminisce. Find yourself here. Touch what you love, touch your stuff.
So I hope that is resonant for you today and what we had just chatted about. I take that, sit with it. Make your intentions for the week. And if you enjoyed this episode, I want to point you towards.
Episode 22, it's called am I anxiously attached or in the wrong relationship? How to move towards secure attachment. This episode again, with the questioning of, am I the toxic one? [00:19:00] Sometimes we can assume that we're the anxiously attached one and that could be the problem. So if that resonates for you, check out episode 22, the link is in the show notes.
As always this podcast is for you.
You are not alone. And I will see you in the next episode.