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Not every survival strategy looks
like fighting back or running away.

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Sometimes it looks like, uh,
befriending the person who's hurting

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you or appearing as a non-threat.

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In this episode, we cover the last
two mixed states, appease and fawn.

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What separates a hostage using social
skills to stay alive from someone

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disappearing inside an abusive home?

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Why both states likely require
significant dissociation to survive,

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and where I personally land on how
much weight these two deserve as

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actual polyvagal theory mixed states
versus maybe something else entirely.

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Hi, I'm Justin Sunseri, a therapist,
self-regulation coach, and Polyvagal

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Institute editorial board member.

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You're listening to Stuck Not Broken, Book
one, Trauma and the Polyvagal Paradigm.

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One quick note before we continue,
this is an audiobook, and it's

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meant to be heard in order.

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So if you're brand new to this,
I invite you to go back to

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the beginning and start there.

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It's gonna make a lot more sense.

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If you'd rather read, the next two
are available now in both digital

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and softcover, and I'll have a
link for you in the description.

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And thank you so much ahead of time if you
do choose to support the show financially.

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I appreciate it.

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Last time we covered stillness and
intimacy, safety plus shutdown.

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This time it's the last two
mixed states, appease, which is

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safety plus flight or fight, plus
shutdown, all three states at once.

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And fawn, which is flight or fight
plus shutdown, but without safety.

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Appease.

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Appeasement is conceptualized as a
co-regulatory kind of mixed state.

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Appease emerges in scenarios of extreme
life threat, such as a hostage situation.

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It's positioned as a super social
engagement where the individual

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utilizes social interaction
skills even under intense threat.

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It's even suggested that
appeasement should replace the

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concept of Stockholm syndrome.

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This mixed state combines all three of
the primary states as a defensive measure.

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The safety state is still accessible
to the individual in a captive life

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threat scen-scenario, potentially.

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They use their super social engagement to
send cues of safety to the perpetrator.

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This might serve to calm the
perpetrator enough to stay alive.

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This may have served an
evolutionary purpose as well.

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In early civilization, there was
always a risk of being captured

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or killed by another social group,
and bonding with your captor

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increased your chance of survival.

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The captive aligns with the perpetrator
in their goals and their means,

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including against authorities.

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The appeaser develops positive
feelings for their captor, possibly

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even gratitude for sparing their life.

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They identify the captor's
happiness and well-being as

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directly linked to their own.

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"I'm on your team and not a threat.
I can help you. You can trust me."

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None of this is chosen.

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The nervous system adapts
based on the needs of survival.

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In these extreme captive situations,
the victim is entirely reliant upon

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the captor for their basic needs.

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The ability to connect and
appease a danger could result in

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living for another day and maybe
even the possibility of escape.

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Fawn

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From the viewpoint of the Polyvagal
Theory, fawn is a combination of

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sympathetic and dorsal vagal activation.

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It occurs in scenarios of ongoing,
inescapable, and unrelenting

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life threats like abusive homes.

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Fawn is similar to
appeasement, but distinct.

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The individual using fawn is not sending
safety cues like appeasement does.

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Instead, they placate the life
threat through compliance.

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Fawning reduces threat by tending to
the needs and the wants of the abuser.

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The person in fawn wants
to be invisible and hide.

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"I'm not a problem, and there's nothing
to worry about. Please don't get

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upset." The fawner quietly attempts
to please the abuser by creating and

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extending periods of de-escalation.

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They preemptively anticipate
and fulfill the abuser's needs.

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The fawner sacrifices their
values and agency in the hope that

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the abuser will lose interest.

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Appease, fawn, and dissociation

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It's very dangerous for
mammals to enter shutdown.

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We evolve to enter and
exit it fairly quickly.

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In shutdown, there's a major
reduction in breathing, apnea,

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and heart rate, bradycardia.

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But mammals require lots and lots
of oxygen for their big brains.

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So the ability to sustain life in this
state is not good, to put it mildly.

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What happens when someone is stuck
in a chronically life-threatening

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situation when they can't run, they
can't fight back, and they can't

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exist in shutdown for very long?

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Instead of collapsing in a complete
shutdown and risking death, the

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individual might enter into a
chronic state of dissociation.

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They'll disconnect from their
reality and from themself too.

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This permits the individual
to continue functioning and,

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and to stay alive as well.

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In my opinion, and this is not something
explicitly discussed in primary

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source Polyvagal Theory writings as
of mid-twenty twenty-six that I know

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of, both fawn and appeasement must
require significant dissociation.

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I'm not gonna go into details, but
appeasement and fawn can lead to

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behaviors that seriously violate
the appeasers and the fawners'

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values, their inherent values.

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They may lead to victimizing innocent
people, covering up immoral or illegal

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acts, deceiving authorities, and otherwise
assisting the abuser or the captor

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with their illegal or immoral deeds.

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Both fawning and appeasement must require
the individual to disconnect from their

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values, from social norms, internal
empathy and compassion, and their

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sympathetic flight or fight empowerment.

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If this is true, then the individual
must exist in a dominant dorsal

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vagal shutdown state through the
lens of the Polyvagal Theory.

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Dominant shutdown leads to numbness
and emptiness, dissociation, and

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decreased cognitive functioning.

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There might also be potentially less
extreme versions of appease and fawn

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that don't require dissociation.

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Maybe you've seen a dog tensely roll
over and lick a dominant pack leader.

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The dog's immobile but mobilized,
tense and rolled over, while also

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socially engaging with the lick.

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This would be an example
of appeasement maybe.

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And people liken people-pleasing to a
common everyday form of fawning, but

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I don't think they're the same thing.

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I personally don't give much time
or attention to appease and fawn.

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I conceptualize them more as
behavioral adaptations than

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polyvagal states or mixed states.

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That's a much bigger conversation, and
I'll leave it out of this audiobook.

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If you're interested, go listen to episode
204 of my Stuck Not Broken podcast.

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I'll put a link in the description.

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That's appease and fawn, the last two
mixed states and the murkiest ones.

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Next time, we leave the mixed
states and the primary states

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behind, and we ask a much bigger
question: What is trauma actually?

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And we'll cover the two different
paths that lead to trauma.

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If you wanna take this chapter
further, the written book has journal

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reflections for it, along with
primary source quotes and no ads.

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It and the next two books are
linked in the description if

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you'd like to support the show.

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Thank you so much for listening.