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There are four lines from a
Mary Oliver poem that give me

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goosebumps every time I hear them.

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In the poem, Wild Geese, she
says, you do not have to be good.

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You do not have to walk on
your knees for a hundred miles

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through the desert repenting.

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You only have to let the soft animal
of your body love what it loves.

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And this really resonates with me,
and I've been wondering why, why does

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that line you do not have to be good?

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Feel so hard for me?

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And why do those extra lines
feel like such a relief?

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And I've been thinking about it, and
I think it's not because they give

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me permission to be careless or to be
bad, but because they really release

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something much, much older and heavier.

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And when I unpicked what I was
gonna say for this quick dip

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episode, it's not really about
my favorite poem by Mary Oliver.

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It's about what being good has
come to mean for me, has come to

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mean for doctors and other senior
healthcare professionals, and people

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in high stress, high stakes jobs.

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And what is the cost of that belief?

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Because doctors, senior healthcare
professionals, they care deeply

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about doing good in the world.

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And that's probably why you
came into this profession.

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You wanted to help, you wanted to make
a difference, and you wanted to matter

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in a way that really reduced suffering.

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And yes, there's all the other stuff
about the interest and the science

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and doing something exciting, But
somewhere along the way, all that

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stuff, especially the doing good,
it got tangled up with being good.

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In fact, I was chatting the other day
to a friend whose sister is a gp and she

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said that she realized quite recently
that her sister genuinely believes that

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she is good because she is a doctor.

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And this is all tied up
as part of her identity.

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And I think for us, being good has
come to mean something very specific.

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It's not reacting, not judging, not
misspeaking or speaking out of turn.

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Not swearing, not letting off steam,
not being selfish or self-indulgent

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and not needing too much.

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Being good looks like being very measured,
contained, and incredibly selfless.

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And once that becomes standard
and normalize inside us, then

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your normal human reactions
don't just feel inconvenient.

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They feel like wrongdoing.

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They feel like evidence that you are
bad and you are not who you should be.

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And so maybe it's not so much that
we want to be good, but we are

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actually trying to avoid the shame
of feeling that we are not good.

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And I think there's an important
distinction here that we often miss.

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It's this, being good is not the
same as being safe or being wise.

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Now wise.

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Looks like noticing a
risk, asking for help.

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Acting within your limits, correcting
your course early, admitting when you

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are wrong, repairing relationships,
giving honest feedback, acting

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within what you know to be true.

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Being good.

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Often.

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It's like absorbing all that extra
pressure without complaining, staying

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really pleasant and not let anything
show, and certainly not being weak.

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And these two distinctions are
distinctions between wise and good,

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they get blurred very, very easily in
medicine, and when they do, denying

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yourself and your very human needs
starts to look like professionalism.

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And I think part of the reason
why those lines from that Mary

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Oliver poem land so hard for me
is that it feels really personal.

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This is a You Are Not a Frog quick dip,
a tiny taster of the kinds of things we

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talk about on our full podcast episodes.

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I've chosen today's topic to give
you a helpful boost in the time it

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takes to have a cup of tea so you
can return to whatever else you're

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up to feeling energized and inspired.

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For more tools, tips, and insights
to help you thrive at work, don't

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00:03:59,368 --> 00:04:03,328
forget to subscribe to You Are Not a
Frog wherever you get your podcasts.

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From a very young age, I was taught
that being crossed was wrong, watching

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certain things on the TV was wrong, having
certain normal human urges was wrong.

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And at the same time, I learned that you
were judged by your output, by how well

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you did, how much you helped people,
how successful you were, how much you

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achieved, and how nice you could be.

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The problem was I was a child with
ADHD, didn't know that at the time,

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and so I was often told I was just
tactless, that I upset people, which

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was awful, that I was naughty, not nice.

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And the problem is because being loving
and kind are two of my deepest values.

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I didn't hear all that feedback
as feedback about my behavior.

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I heard it all as a verdict on
who I was, that I was not good.

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I was not a nice person.

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And so I, I tried to work my way
out that by being good in other

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ways, so getting really good grades,
achieving a lot, and making sure that

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I always was doing the right thing.

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And also part of the problem was I
challenged beliefs and ways of doing

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things rather than blindly accepting them.

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That was a bit dangerous because that
then was framed as a problem with me.

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I was told I was upsetting people,
that I wasn't being loving or kind.

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And if you've grown up in a controlling
cultural or religious system, you'll

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know exactly what I'm talking about.

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And please believe me when I say
there was nothing wrong with you.

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Your intuition was spot on.

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But the only way to control you and
to maintain the status quo was to

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turn it into a problem with you.

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So again, the tables were turned.

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The verdict was the same for me.

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I wasn't good.

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And that belief has followed me into
medicine, has followed me all my life.

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Because once you are a doctor or
you have a very responsible job,

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the standards feel even higher.

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You're not just meant to behave well, but
you are meant to be better than everybody

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else and gooder than everybody else.

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And when I found myself leading
the professionalism curriculum

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for medical students at Cambridge
University, that pressure intensified.

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My job was literally to teach
future doctors how to be good.

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At the same time, I was bringing up three
children pretty much as a default parent,

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holding down multiple roles as a GP, a
medical educator amongst other stuff.

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And my nervous system did
what nervous systems do.

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Under sustained pressure it reacted,
it got overwhelmed, it got cross, and

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it got resentful and every time that
happened, I didn't think I'm exhausted.

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I thought I've been bad.

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And even when I left general practice
and the job that I really hated,

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I was flooded with guilt and shame
because a good person would keep

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seeing patients, would keep working
in a role that just didn't suit them.

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A good person would cope.

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A good person would be selfless
and a good person wouldn't leave.

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And after eventually being diagnosed
with ADHD a couple of years ago and

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subsequently having some therapy,
something's really shifted for me.

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I look back at that little girl
and I think you poor thing.

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You were desperately trying to be good in
a system that just wanted to control you.

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Your reactions weren't sinful.

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They weren't evidence that you were bad.

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They were human responses to be highly
controlled in an environment that didn't

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tolerate difference or challenge, and
that relied on no one speaking up.

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And I realized that I'd spent my
life trying to prove to the world

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that I was good, even if I was a bit
impulsive and irrational at times.

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But I was living in constant fear
of saying or doing the wrong thing.

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And what I am slowly learning
now is this, that I am human.

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I have wisdom, I have integrity.

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And yes, some things occasionally come
out wrong or quite often come out wrong.

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And sometimes I can say things
impulsively or insensitively.

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Sometimes I talk too much
and I overwhelm people.

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That behavior doesn't work.

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Doesn't mean I'm bad.

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It doesn't mean that I am unkind.

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It just means I'm human.

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And here's something I have really come
to see is that good and bad are not

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very useful categories for human beings.

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They're just moral labels that
we slap onto behavior, And then

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we turn them into judgments about
identity, about who you are, who I am.

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It's like calling a cat
a good cat or a bad cat.

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A cat isn't good or bad, it's just a cat.

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It behaves just like a cat behaves.

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So if I was cooking some fish for
our tea and I left a bowl of fish

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on the side and the cat ate the
fish, I might say, you bad cat.

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But if I put that bowl of fish down and
left it next to its food bowl and wanted

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them to eat it and it doesn't eat it.

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I'll go Well, what's wrong with that cat?

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Right?

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The judgment changes, but the cat doesn't.

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It's still being a cat.

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But with ourselves, we do this constantly.

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We turn the fact that we are
humans and have finite capacity,

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we turn that into a character flaw.

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We turn having limits into moral failure
and we turn our normal human reactions

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into something that needs correcting.

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And here's where I want to say it's a very
inconvenient truth and widen the lens a

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bit because this belief that doctors must
be good, it doesn't just live inside us.

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It lives in society, doesn't it?

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It lives in the system and it's
very, very useful to the system.

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Because in the short term.

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Everybody benefits from doctors
who over function, who stay late,

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who fill the gaps in the rota, who
absorb the risk so that everyone

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else can breathe a sigh of relief.

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And so a failing system just can keep
going with under resourcing understaffing,

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and unlimited demand, and patients never
understanding that the healthcare system

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cannot meet all of the things that they
think they need from it, and a political

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system that is unwilling to admit that.

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So patients benefit from
doctors who over function.

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Organizations benefit, and
even our colleagues benefit.

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And it's just like children who benefit
from parents who just do everything

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for them, who absorb all the stress
for them, but we know how that ends.

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In the long term it creates dependence,
resentment, and actual harm.

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And yet doctors somehow keep waiting
for permission from other people

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and from the system to stop, for
somebody else to say, it's okay.

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Now you can rest.

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You are never gonna get that
permission because the system is

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totally relying on you not stopping.

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So that permission is not
gonna come from anybody else.

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It needs to come from yourself.

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And even worse, this belief
that we are morally defective.

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If we can't just keep
going and going and going.

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And the belief that that
doctors must be good.

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The doctors have to keep going.

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Otherwise it's a moral failing.

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This belief just gets weaponized.

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So if doctors step back or
go off sick with burnout or,

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or just say no to something.

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It's not just practically a little bit
difficult, but they meet moral judgment.

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People saying to them, or whispering,
yeah, you are not coping or

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you're just not resilient enough.

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That's resilience, victim blaming.

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You are not a team player.

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Uh, you are being selfish or greedy.

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And when that judgment comes from
colleagues, which it can do, even if it's

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just inferred through a tone or alert or
just silence, it can be really, really

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devastating because it confirms what we're
already thinking already, our deepest

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fear that maybe I really am not good.

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And that's why burnout can often
hurt us in the way it does.

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It's not just exhaustion.

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It's a, a separate kind of moral injury.

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So the things that we've been
doing to be what the system calls

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a good doctor and what we believe
to be a good doctor, have actually

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harmed us, pushed us into burnout.

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And then on top of that, we think that
because our bodies have reacted in a

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normal human physiologically way to
the stress of the overwhelm and the

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burnout, that we are deficient, we are
weak or selfish and not good enough.

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So let me be very clear about what
I am and what I am not saying.

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I'm not saying that anything goes.

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I'm not saying that it is okay
to lie, to cheat, to steal, to

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deceive people, to bully people.

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Absolutely not.

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But that's not what
I'm talking about here.

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But I'm also not saying that unfiltered
emotional reactions are safe.

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They're not, especially
in an unforgiving system.

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Being emotionally dysregulated at
work doesn't work very well for you

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or for anybody else, and it often
disregulates others and then you

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get this vicious spiral, don't you?

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00:12:35,862 --> 00:12:39,942
And it creates risk, but that
doesn't make it bad or wrong.

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It makes it information.

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Your human reactions are
information and they're pretty

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automatic, so you can't help it.

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That's the shift I want to offer
from good to bad, to behavior that

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00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,919
works and behavior that doesn't work.

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Because actually saying yes to everything,
that doesn't work a lot of the time and

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saying no isn't automatically selfish.

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Sometimes saying yes is the
least good thing you could do.

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Certainly the least wise thing
you can do, and certainly often

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not in your own integrity.

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And sometimes staying in a role that's
not aligned with you, that doesn't suit

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you, where you can't give your best,
it's self punishment, dressed up as

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professionalism and responsibility.

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So here's a different definition
of integrity i'd like to offer you.

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Integrity is not about being good.

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Integrity is about knowing your
limits, telling the truth about your

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actual capacity, not pretending you
can do more than you can do, acting

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in a way that you can stand behind,
that means you can back yourself.

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For me, integrity means saying what
you mean and meaning what you say, and

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repairing stuff when you accidentally muck
up or something you've said lands badly.

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And it's about not using moral
judgment to beat yourself up for

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being human being with normal
human needs, urges and reactions.

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Most doctors I know have thoughts
they would never put in the notes

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or never say in a meeting, let alone
admit out loud to somebody else.

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Now, that doesn't make you
dangerous, it just makes you human.

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And what matters most is what
you do with those thoughts.

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So when Mary Oliver says in that poem,
you do not have to walk on your knees

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for a hundred miles through the desert
repenting, what I hear from that is this.

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You don't have to overwork or
sacrifice your own health and happiness

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to make up for the fact that you
feel that you are not good enough.

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you don't need to
overwork as a punishment.

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You don't have to destroy yourself to
prove that you care deeply about things.

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And you don't have to suffer at work
to earn your worth as a human being.

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And side note, if you are suffering
at work, You are not going to

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be giving your best, are you?

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It's only when we're really happy, we're
thriving in our work that we are giving

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our best, that we are actually then
really able to do good in the world.

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And you do not need to
be perfect to do good.

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And if we need a new definition
of good, let me offer this one.

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Good is being wise, it's acting with
integrity, true to what you really

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believe.. It's backing your wise self,
and acknowledging your humanity and

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your reactive amygdala reaction, and
then working with it, not against it.

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And that is not selfish.

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That is how you stay in this work that
you have to do without losing yourself.

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And that's why these lines
still give me goosebumps.

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They don't let us off the hook.

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They let us off the lie that
being a good doctor is being good.

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And maybe this is where You
Are Not a Frog really comes in.

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Because a frog relies on
reflexes and instinct.

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And it reacts 'cause it has
to, it can't step back and

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question it's froggy programming.

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But you are not a frog.

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You are a human being.

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You can notice the beliefs that you
absorbed in the programming that

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was set from a very early age about
goodness, sacrifice, and worth.

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And you can decide, are these still true?

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Are these still serving you?

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So if this episode has resonated,
you might want to share it with

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someone else who's been living
under that same pressure to be good.

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And over the next week, when that
familiar inner judgment starts to

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show up, just see what happens.

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And see what happens.

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If you remind yourself of, I'm
not here to prove I'm good.

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I'm here to act with wisdom
and integrity as a human.

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And that's what matters.

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Not how good you are, but how honestly and
humanly you meet what's in front of you.

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And you will find you know what to do.

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You are not a frog.

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And as Mary Oliver says,
you do not need to be good.

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You just need to let the soft animal of
your body love what it loves to be human.