1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,220 Massive Charisma, small talk, charm, likability, and how to succeed with people, written by 2 00:00:08,220 --> 00:00:15,300 Patrick King, narrated by Russell Newton. 3 00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:20,100 We've fleshed out a usable definition of charisma, and broken it down into its parts, 4 00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:24,500 and hopefully you've been able to zoom in on all those parts of charisma that you're 5 00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:29,380 already getting right, and those that need a little more work. 6 00:00:29,380 --> 00:00:34,800 This leads us to the obvious next question, how do we get better? 7 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:40,560 First things first, your charisma won't look like anyone else's charisma. 8 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,120 This makes sense. 9 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:45,840 Think of any famous charismatic people from history, and they're all different from one 10 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:47,640 another. 11 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:54,600 Marilyn Monroe, Stalin, and Steve Jobs were all enigmatic characters, but in very different 12 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,300 ways. 13 00:00:56,300 --> 00:01:04,460 This is precisely what Olivia Fox Cabane, author of the Charisma Myth, found, i.e. that 14 00:01:04,460 --> 00:01:08,060 there are different types of charisma. 15 00:01:08,060 --> 00:01:12,620 Just as you can imagine that Marilyn Monroe would make a pretty poor Stalin, and that Steve 16 00:01:12,620 --> 00:01:19,540 Jobs would fail hard to charm people in the way that Marilyn Monroe charmed them, you 17 00:01:19,540 --> 00:01:25,580 will be most charismatic when you are leaning into your charisma style, rather than trying 18 00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:28,620 to ape someone else's. 19 00:01:28,620 --> 00:01:33,100 Cabane listed four general categories, but even within these groups it's easy to see 20 00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:36,380 the endless possible variations. 21 00:01:36,380 --> 00:01:41,820 Recall that charisma is made up of two factors, power and affability. 22 00:01:41,820 --> 00:01:47,260 Depending on the relative proportions of these two, you get slightly different expressions 23 00:01:47,260 --> 00:01:50,020 of charisma. 24 00:01:50,020 --> 00:01:52,860 The Focused Charismatic 25 00:01:52,860 --> 00:01:58,260 This is a state of high presence, which is a kind of high power, paired with moderate 26 00:01:58,260 --> 00:02:04,180 affability, which makes sense because the focus is on the other person. 27 00:02:04,180 --> 00:02:10,700 This is someone who places deep, undivided attention on others, and makes them feel like 28 00:02:10,700 --> 00:02:14,100 the most important person in the room. 29 00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:20,860 Talkshow hosts, it's Oprah Winfrey again, build their brands on this kind of charisma, 30 00:02:20,860 --> 00:02:25,420 as do motivational speakers, and cult leaders. 31 00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:32,820 You'll know this is your preferred charisma style if you're often told you're a good listener. 32 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:38,180 Focus Charismatics are people that know that the best way to shine is to show off others 33 00:02:38,180 --> 00:02:40,460 to their best. 34 00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:46,140 If you often find yourself in the guru role of guiding people to be the best they can be, 35 00:02:46,140 --> 00:02:49,100 this may be your strong area. 36 00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:58,100 A Focused Charismatic can ooze charm and class in a totally subtle and often invisible way. 37 00:02:58,100 --> 00:03:03,740 Think about a religious leader, a persuasive healer or therapist type, or a gentle but 38 00:03:03,740 --> 00:03:10,380 powerful moral character who gets their way by prompting others to agree with them of 39 00:03:10,380 --> 00:03:13,980 their own will. 40 00:03:13,980 --> 00:03:16,980 The Visionary Charismatic 41 00:03:16,980 --> 00:03:22,180 A Visionary Charismatic is more affable than the Focused Charismatic but a little less 42 00:03:22,180 --> 00:03:23,700 powerful. 43 00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:30,180 A Visionary can paradoxically get more done and be more impactful because they seem a 44 00:03:30,180 --> 00:03:38,340 little more like one of us and not the lofty personages that nobody could ever imitate. 45 00:03:38,340 --> 00:03:43,540 This tends to make them a little more likable too, whereas the Focused Charismatic might 46 00:03:43,540 --> 00:03:49,260 be the awe-inspiring ideological leader in a company, the Visionary is the one who bridges 47 00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:54,000 the gap between this awe and more ordinary life. 48 00:03:54,000 --> 00:04:01,100 They turn the dream into reality by communicating a vision not yet accomplished. 49 00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:05,340 Recall Rigio's theory about emotional and social expressiveness. 50 00:04:05,340 --> 00:04:11,860 We are drawn to those who can move us to see their inspiring vision of the future, especially 51 00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:17,580 if they have the enthusiasm and energy to campaign for that vision. 52 00:04:17,580 --> 00:04:23,020 Think about Steve Jobs building a following devoted to his vision of the future, or Martin 53 00:04:23,020 --> 00:04:27,140 Luther King Jr.'s rousing speeches. 54 00:04:27,140 --> 00:04:32,340 Innovators and creative people can excel at Visionary Charisma too, since they need to 55 00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:37,700 convince others to buy into a vision that only they can see. 56 00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:42,540 If you've ever managed to get people rallied together on a passion project, and if your 57 00:04:42,540 --> 00:04:49,060 visions seem infectious, you might have this type of Charisma. 58 00:04:49,060 --> 00:04:51,740 The Kind Charisma. 59 00:04:51,740 --> 00:04:57,860 This is the combination of high affability but the lowest power of all the Charismatic 60 00:04:57,860 --> 00:05:00,740 types. 61 00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:03,380 Emotional connection is powerful stuff. 62 00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:11,020 Think of Buddhist Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh and how profoundly he influences people without 63 00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:14,540 any conventional trappings of wealth and power. 64 00:05:14,540 --> 00:05:22,540 He does so purely on an emotional and spiritual level with genuine warmth and compassion. 65 00:05:22,540 --> 00:05:30,900 Fred McFeely Rogers, affectionately Mr. Rogers from the children's TV show Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, 66 00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:38,020 was a much loved media icon who inspired countless people with simple wholesome messages. 67 00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:44,820 He was not just a cheerful and reassuring part of millions of people's childhoods. 68 00:05:44,820 --> 00:05:52,660 He became a role model and ideological icon spreading lessons of civility, tolerance, 69 00:05:52,660 --> 00:05:55,820 and belief in your own self-worth. 70 00:05:55,820 --> 00:06:02,500 If you're a person who can drastically elevate situations with kindness, mercy, empathy, 71 00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:08,540 and benevolence, this form of Charisma may be your strongest note, however, that the 72 00:06:08,540 --> 00:06:12,860 relatively low power here does not mean no power. 73 00:06:12,860 --> 00:06:18,860 No Charismatic will do without at least average or a little higher than average power, it's 74 00:06:18,860 --> 00:06:27,500 just that the focus is on affability and their power is filtered through this kindness. 75 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:33,540 The authoritative Charismatic Finally a more classic picture of a Charismatic 76 00:06:33,540 --> 00:06:39,900 leader, like Stalin or Hitler, people with this style of influence use power and status 77 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:45,580 to position themselves as authorities, experts, or leaders. 78 00:06:45,580 --> 00:06:50,300 This combination is low affability and high power. 79 00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:55,860 You might argue that if affability is low enough, then you're not dealing with a Charismatic 80 00:06:55,860 --> 00:07:01,540 person at all, but a dominating bully or despot. 81 00:07:01,540 --> 00:07:07,300 Such people seem to naturally command control and effortlessly lead others. 82 00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:11,940 Do you frequently find that other people defer to your judgment or put you in charge of important 83 00:07:11,940 --> 00:07:12,940 tasks? 84 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:17,500 Do you find that even those people who don't actually like you very much still tend to 85 00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:20,820 respect and follow you regardless? 86 00:07:20,820 --> 00:07:25,700 You might be better at exuding this kind of Charisma than the other types. 87 00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:31,620 As you can see from the four types, there is usually a trade-off between power and affability. 88 00:07:31,620 --> 00:07:38,180 Though you would ideally want the highest possible power and the highest possible affability 89 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:44,380 in reality, it's usually the case that as one increases, the other decreases. 90 00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:49,260 Note again, though, that Charismatic people are never low in either power or affability. 91 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:54,660 Furthermore, this isn't to say that these are the only types. 92 00:07:54,660 --> 00:08:00,500 If you think of famous Charismatics from history, you'll find many that don't fit the mold. 93 00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:07,020 In fact, their uniqueness itself is a source of both power and affability. 94 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:12,220 Some may inspire and lead people because of their bravery and strength. 95 00:08:12,220 --> 00:08:17,620 Sporting heroes, those who beat the odds after disease or injury. 96 00:08:17,620 --> 00:08:23,660 Some may captivate and enthrall people with immense beauty, grace, or sex appeal. 97 00:08:23,660 --> 00:08:27,140 The Starlets from Hollywood's Golden Era. 98 00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:33,420 Others may capture people's admiration through humor, creativity, and originality. 99 00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:38,820 Robin Williams' comic genius could hit on an emotional level. 100 00:08:38,820 --> 00:08:44,580 And others may garner attention because they're moral or even spiritual crusaders. 101 00:08:44,580 --> 00:08:49,700 Think of how Greta Thunberg commanded a room with her righteous indignation about climate 102 00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:50,700 change. 103 00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:52,100 What about you? 104 00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:57,420 You may not yet feel confident in your own Charismatic abilities, but you're probably 105 00:08:57,420 --> 00:09:02,700 beginning to get a sense for the style of that potential charisma, according to your 106 00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:06,820 own personality, values, and experiences. 107 00:09:06,820 --> 00:09:12,060 Think carefully about your interests and passions, your talents. 108 00:09:12,060 --> 00:09:16,060 Are you a good communicator, energetic, determined? 109 00:09:16,060 --> 00:09:21,380 And what people tend to respond to instinctively when you're around. 110 00:09:21,380 --> 00:09:26,020 The lesson here is that you shouldn't worry too much if you don't quite see yourself in 111 00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:29,900 the conventional descriptions of Charismatic leader. 112 00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:37,060 You can be an engaging, fascinating person with a massive presence in a room in a way 113 00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:40,740 that's all your own. 114 00:09:40,740 --> 00:09:46,980 Fox Cabain's Approach Olivia Fox Cabain's Model of Charisma is pretty 115 00:09:46,980 --> 00:09:47,980 simple. 116 00:09:47,980 --> 00:09:51,660 She suggests that there are actually three main components. 117 00:09:51,660 --> 00:09:52,980 Power. 118 00:09:52,980 --> 00:09:53,980 Presence. 119 00:09:53,980 --> 00:09:55,940 Warmth. 120 00:09:55,940 --> 00:10:02,300 Power is here defined as the capacity to impact others, while presence is the ability to be 121 00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:05,460 fully engaged and attentive in the moment. 122 00:10:05,460 --> 00:10:11,980 Finally, warmth is about perceived goodwill or benevolence, or the degree to which people 123 00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:16,380 believe you will use your power and presence in their best interest. 124 00:10:16,380 --> 00:10:23,580 Again, all three of these are primarily emotional and about how people feel. 125 00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:26,020 Charisma is not rational. 126 00:10:26,020 --> 00:10:31,540 We can recognize these factors as analogous to the influence, presence, and affability 127 00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:34,260 we discussed in the last chapter. 128 00:10:34,260 --> 00:10:40,100 From Cabain's point of view, different Charisma styles vary in their relative proportions 129 00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:42,940 of these three special ingredients. 130 00:10:42,940 --> 00:10:48,940 For example, authoritative Charismatics tend to blow everyone out of the water when it comes 131 00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:55,300 to power and presence, but tend to be a little weaker on warmth. 132 00:10:55,300 --> 00:11:01,420 Kind and focused Charismatics excel in emotional warmth, but may lack a little in the power 133 00:11:01,420 --> 00:11:03,620 department. 134 00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:09,900 Once you have an idea of your current Charisma quotient and a few clues on your personal style, 135 00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:13,140 you have two options for improving yourself. 136 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:18,220 One, you can lean into your unique style and amplify it. 137 00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:25,540 Two, you can balance out by cultivating those aspects you lacked so you're more rounded. 138 00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:32,260 Either way, always keep in mind that Charisma is most powerful when it's personal and genuine. 139 00:11:32,260 --> 00:11:38,460 So keep checking in with your authentic values, the things that fire you up, and your natural 140 00:11:38,460 --> 00:11:39,460 gifts. 141 00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:45,300 With that in mind, let's look at some practical exercises to start tapping into your inner 142 00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:46,900 charm. 143 00:11:46,900 --> 00:11:51,300 Use these the next time you're heading into a meeting, going on a date, spending time 144 00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:57,100 with friends, or family, or speaking in public. 145 00:11:57,100 --> 00:12:01,260 Exercise one, make yourself comfortable. 146 00:12:01,260 --> 00:12:05,140 We've seen that Charismatic people are confident and have presence. 147 00:12:05,140 --> 00:12:10,540 They trust in themselves and their message, and they unapologetically take up space in 148 00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:11,820 the room. 149 00:12:11,820 --> 00:12:17,060 On a very basic level, though, confidence equals comfort. 150 00:12:17,060 --> 00:12:23,860 It means being at home in your own skin, at ease with others, and comfortable in the world 151 00:12:23,860 --> 00:12:25,180 in general. 152 00:12:25,180 --> 00:12:31,900 This is why people advise to walk into a room like you own it, because when you're comfortable, 153 00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:39,260 you can relax and expand your awareness outwards to engage emotionally with others. 154 00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:45,300 When you're uncomfortable, every fiber of your being will communicate that, and act 155 00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:50,460 as a barrier to your power, presence, and warmth. 156 00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:54,740 Start simple, and think about what you're wearing. 157 00:12:54,740 --> 00:13:00,980 It's infinitely better to wear something you're genuinely comfy in, rather than a nice outfit 158 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:07,100 that's too scratchy, too tight, too restrictive, or too awkward. 159 00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:12,700 For a cabane, physical and mental discomfort are the biggest obstacles to building charisma, 160 00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:18,100 and physical tension will manifest as social and emotional tension. 161 00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:24,100 Think also about your general physical well-being, and sure that you're not hungry or thirsty, 162 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:29,140 tired, ill, or too hot or cold. 163 00:13:29,140 --> 00:13:33,500 If you're going to be outside, plan ahead to make sure you're not distracted by the 164 00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:39,500 sun glaring in your eyes, or the wind blowing your hair around, or the wrong footwear. 165 00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:45,820 Before you head out to a social interaction, pause for a moment, and check in with yourself. 166 00:13:45,820 --> 00:13:53,900 Body and mind, remind yourself that how things look is not as important as how they feel. 167 00:13:53,900 --> 00:14:00,140 A silk tie, or a gorgeous evening gown, might be conventional symbols of style and good 168 00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:07,260 taste, but if they make you feel bad, then that is what you will transmit socially. 169 00:14:07,260 --> 00:14:13,260 Make sure that your physical situation supports you and allows you to express yourself freely 170 00:14:13,260 --> 00:14:15,460 with minimal distraction. 171 00:14:15,460 --> 00:14:20,900 If something's getting in the way, get rid of it. 172 00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:26,420 Exercise 2 Use Ritual and Visualization 173 00:14:26,420 --> 00:14:31,180 Even charismatic is a state of mind, and just like an athlete needs to warm up before a 174 00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:38,180 big game or race, you need to warm up emotionally and psychologically before you wow everyone 175 00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:40,020 with charm. 176 00:14:40,020 --> 00:14:45,860 To extend the metaphor, if you jump into a marathon without stretching beforehand, you're 177 00:14:45,860 --> 00:14:49,620 going to be creaky and potentially injure yourself. 178 00:14:49,620 --> 00:14:56,340 Likewise, if you just jump into a challenging social situation without any thought or planning, 179 00:14:56,340 --> 00:14:59,440 you're going to fumble. 180 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:04,060 Ritual can be the perfect social warm-up, not only does it allow us to get into the 181 00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:11,420 right mindset, but the mere fact of us planning ahead, taking charge, and paying deliberate 182 00:15:11,420 --> 00:15:18,820 attention to our strategy will make us feel more in control and more confident. 183 00:15:18,820 --> 00:15:25,860 Remember that charisma is a social game, and the best players are those that take it seriously. 184 00:15:25,860 --> 00:15:28,500 What kind of ritual is best? 185 00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:32,380 That depends on the state of mind you're trying to cultivate. 186 00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:37,540 Imagine an important job interview coming up and wanting to dazzle your interviewers. 187 00:15:37,540 --> 00:15:42,700 It's a sales position, so you need to display both authoritative and focused charisma to 188 00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:48,220 charm the interviews and show them you know how to do the job. 189 00:15:48,220 --> 00:15:52,300 Truthfully, you're feeling nervous and unsure of yourself, so you know that you're going 190 00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:57,620 to need to demonstrate immense social and emotional control. 191 00:15:57,620 --> 00:16:01,460 Hours before the interview, you start psyching yourself up. 192 00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:05,860 You listen to energizing music you know always puts you in a good mood. 193 00:16:05,860 --> 00:16:11,220 You run over a few mantras and affirmations to focus your mind, you plan your outfit, 194 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:14,220 and practice a few responses in a mirror. 195 00:16:14,220 --> 00:16:19,460 Finally, you spend time in active visualization. 196 00:16:19,460 --> 00:16:21,500 This could go a few different ways. 197 00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:26,900 You might imagine in detail how you want the interview to go, seeing yourself smiling, 198 00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:32,740 confidently taking charge of the room, and mentally rehearsing your posture, tone of voice, 199 00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:35,140 and overall attitude. 200 00:16:35,140 --> 00:16:39,620 You could also visualize someone you admire and who demonstrates the mindset you're trying 201 00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:41,360 to convey. 202 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:47,060 You could picture being that person as though you're temporarily using their persona as a 203 00:16:47,060 --> 00:16:49,260 mask to give you confidence. 204 00:16:50,020 --> 00:16:54,540 What would that person say and do in this situation? 205 00:16:54,540 --> 00:16:57,380 You can also use more abstract visualization. 206 00:16:57,380 --> 00:17:03,940 For example, imagining in vivid detail that all the stress is leaving your body in the 207 00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:10,620 form of literal negative words that float away off the surface of your skin, while a 208 00:17:10,620 --> 00:17:19,140 warm glow comes up from the ground and fills you up with energy, conviction, and confidence. 209 00:17:19,140 --> 00:17:24,580 After the visualization, you imagine that this warmth stays with you and that you carry 210 00:17:24,580 --> 00:17:30,900 it into the interview like a powerful talisman or magic spell. 211 00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:38,380 Speaking of talismans, maybe you have a lucky charm that helps make the occasion feel auspicious. 212 00:17:38,380 --> 00:17:46,100 You wear a sentimental accessory, treat yourself, light a candle, say a prayer, or plan to do 213 00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:50,220 something rewarding afterwards. 214 00:17:50,220 --> 00:17:56,300 Exercise 3 Be Present, Build Presence 215 00:17:56,300 --> 00:18:01,060 Fox Cabane has a slightly different take on the idea of presence. 216 00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:07,980 For her, a person builds presence when they themselves are present. 217 00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:12,980 This means being fully anchored in the moment rather than having your attention elsewhere. 218 00:18:12,980 --> 00:18:19,940 The more present you are, the more genuinely you can engage others, respond sensitively 219 00:18:19,940 --> 00:18:26,500 to minute changes in the conversational flow, and observe others' emotional states. 220 00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:32,780 It's also far easier to be felt as warm if you are present, focused, and paying attention 221 00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:34,800 to the person in front of you. 222 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:40,380 That means that one of the biggest ways to sabotage our charisma is to be so distracted 223 00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:46,620 by the idea of what we should be doing that we are pulled away from the present. 224 00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:53,300 If you guessed that mindfulness practice will help with presence, then you guessed right. 225 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:58,640 Anxiety can kill your charismatic aura because it takes you out of the moment, and the moment 226 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:04,540 is exactly where the people you need to connect with are. 227 00:19:04,540 --> 00:19:09,420 Mindfulness is a tool that can help you reduce anxiety and boost awareness, whether you practice 228 00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:16,620 it alone, in preparation for a social situation, or in that situation as it unfolds. 229 00:19:16,620 --> 00:19:22,260 Again, the way you use mindfulness depends on your aims. 230 00:19:22,260 --> 00:19:24,340 Consider the following examples. 231 00:19:24,340 --> 00:19:29,100 A person trying to improve their warmth and affability realizes that judgment gets in 232 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,800 the way of them connecting with people. 233 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:37,020 They try a loving-kindness meditation every morning, where they practice extending compassion 234 00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:39,900 and understanding to everyone. 235 00:19:39,900 --> 00:19:45,260 Sitting quietly and with focus, they imagine a person they love, and focus on this feeling 236 00:19:45,260 --> 00:19:47,780 of acceptance and warmth. 237 00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:53,500 Then they imagine someone they only like, but practice feeling this same warmth for them 238 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:54,500 too. 239 00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:59,540 Next, they imagine someone they are neutral about and so on, until they reach a person 240 00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:02,340 they actively dislike. 241 00:20:02,340 --> 00:20:07,340 They work hard to find feelings of kindness for them and for the fact that they are human 242 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:12,900 beings who deserve compassion and respect regardless. 243 00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:18,120 While such a person may find that this practice generally improves their outlook and makes 244 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:23,980 them more tolerant and accepting people, another might simply commit to finding little windows 245 00:20:23,980 --> 00:20:28,540 of awareness in every social interaction. 246 00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:34,700 Pausing, coming to the present, and reminding themselves to be aware of their body and breath 247 00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:40,540 in the moment, they become more relaxed and dynamically engaged. 248 00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:45,900 Perhaps they notice that their voice or body language is conveying stress, so they consciously 249 00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:48,220 choose to loosen up. 250 00:20:48,220 --> 00:20:52,940 Perhaps they realize they are hogging the conversation and graciously decide to let 251 00:20:52,940 --> 00:20:56,740 the other person take the stage for a while. 252 00:20:56,740 --> 00:21:00,700 One great way of building presence is to take your time. 253 00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:06,100 Anxiety, lack of presence, and rushing all go hand in hand. 254 00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:13,740 If you find yourself feeling tense in a moment, just pause, breathe, anchor in the present 255 00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:16,700 and in your five senses. 256 00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:24,180 What can you smell, see, taste even, slow down and just get comfy in the moment. 257 00:21:24,180 --> 00:21:30,100 It's usually our stressful ruminations about how we are in social situations that derail 258 00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:33,100 us and not the situation itself. 259 00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:36,740 Anchor in the moment and let these ruminations drift away. 260 00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:42,180 Finally, put your attention squarely on the other person. 261 00:21:42,180 --> 00:21:48,740 Don't let your mind wander and don't get distracted by your phone. 262 00:21:48,740 --> 00:21:50,020 Exercise 4. 263 00:21:50,020 --> 00:21:52,520 Take care. 264 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,720 This is an extension of the previous exercise. 265 00:21:55,720 --> 00:22:02,200 When you pause, you give yourself the chance to act deliberately rather than reactively. 266 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:08,320 You stop being at the mercy of knee-jerk reactions and start to act consciously. 267 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:15,720 Congratulations, this is the beginning of that elusive quality called grace and poise. 268 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:20,680 For example, if somebody says something that catches you off guard and embarrasses you a 269 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:26,360 little, don't immediately blush and blurt out something that makes you sound defensive. 270 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:30,680 Rather pause and think, how do I want to play this? 271 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:37,200 And then choose to laugh it off, deflect attention by saying something amusing, or graciously 272 00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:43,640 thank the person for their comment, completely changing the energy of the interaction. 273 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:49,440 But you can only do all this if you are aware enough to pause in the first place. 274 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:53,800 Here's a fun trick that may result in an unexpected boost of confidence. 275 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:57,360 Remind yourself that you don't have to react at all. 276 00:22:57,360 --> 00:23:02,160 We can get flustered when something unexpected or unpleasant happens, but that doesn't mean 277 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:07,720 we have to lose our equilibrium, give away our attention, or have our mood determined 278 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,080 by something or someone else. 279 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:14,280 We can always choose to simply not respond. 280 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:22,040 As a pause is all it takes to switch you from the mindset of, oh no, what should I do, to, 281 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:26,640 never mind that, what do I want to do? 282 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:31,440 Remind yourself always that you don't have to decide what you think about every stimulus 283 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:37,520 in your environment, form an opinion, engage, or even pay attention. 284 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:43,920 Every choice you make in a social interaction matters, your body language, your tone of voice, 285 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,680 your word choice, your facial expression. 286 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:52,320 Rather than being intimidated by this fact, use it to your advantage. 287 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:57,760 See all of these as colors on a palette to paint the image you want to paint. 288 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,040 Don't leave anything to chance. 289 00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:07,040 Take care with how you dress, how you speak, and how you're holding yourself in conversations, 290 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:12,640 especially take care of what is happening with people around you and your effect on them. 291 00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:17,600 Again, we're in the realm of social control, which cannot be achieved without a degree of 292 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,960 mindful awareness. 293 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:22,000 Pause before you respond. 294 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:26,920 Just a few seconds, and you'll seem more poised and put together. 295 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:32,920 Instead of saying, um, simply keep quiet while thinking of what to say. 296 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:38,640 If you are confident enough to take your time speaking, people will usually respond in kind 297 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:42,240 and pay more attention to your words. 298 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:47,040 Finally, be careful about your word choice and consider your audience. 299 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:56,040 It's always a good idea to match your tone, word choice, volume, and pitch to theirs if you're unsure. 300 00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:00,840 Howard Friedman's Approach 301 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:07,720 University of California professor of psychology Howard Friedman has spent decades researching 302 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:09,800 various social behaviors. 303 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:14,840 Particularly this elusive quality we call charisma. 304 00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:21,920 He developed the affective communication test, appropriately called ACT, which he believed 305 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:29,240 was a good indicator of people's emotional expressiveness, i.e. their overall charisma. 306 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:35,520 Like Rigio, Friedman believed that there is something compelling and attractive about 307 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:41,000 people who easily and comfortably express themselves. 308 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:47,360 In a 1980 paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, he and 309 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:53,800 Rigio, together with two fellow researchers, found that non-verbal expressiveness plays 310 00:25:53,800 --> 00:26:01,800 a big role in social interactions, whichever form it takes, communicating with spiritedness, 311 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:11,080 energy, passion, eloquence, and vibrant gestures all make a person far more charismatic. 312 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:17,920 Remembering that charisma is about impacting others emotionally, it's easy to see why expressiveness 313 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:19,600 is so important. 314 00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:28,080 It allows us to more easily affect others, leading and captivating and inspiring them. 315 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:34,240 Conspirations matter, but when they're paired with non-verbal expression they can be charismatic. 316 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:39,640 It's as though charming people are fluent in two languages, the obvious superficial one 317 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:47,280 and the more primal unspoken and non-verbal one that captivates us more easily. 318 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:49,640 The ACT is pretty simple. 319 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:55,160 There are ten statements that participants are asked to respond to, noting the extent 320 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,200 to which they agree. 321 00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:01,760 You can try it yourself by seeing the degree to which the following statements apply to 322 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,160 you. 323 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:08,760 Note that these are inspired by several different versions of the test. 324 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:13,560 When I hear good music, I can't help but move my body. 325 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:19,960 When I laugh, it's jovial and buoyant and everyone can hear me. 326 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:26,360 When I'm on the phone, my mood and feelings come across loud and clear. 327 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:33,160 During conversation with friends, I am tactile and easily touch or hug people. 328 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:37,680 I don't mind when a group of people notice me or watch me. 329 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:44,480 I usually have an obvious facial expression and am seldom neutral. 330 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:48,640 People often tell me I'd make a good actor or actress. 331 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:54,240 I'm not shy and don't mind being the center of attention. 332 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:57,800 I know how to look at people seductively if I want to. 333 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:04,920 I've always been good at playing games like charades or miming. 334 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:09,400 Strangers often think I'm younger than I am. 335 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:14,120 The more strongly you agree to the above statements, the more likely you're perceived 336 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:16,080 as charismatic. 337 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:21,960 These statements essentially measure your non-verbal, affective expressiveness. 338 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:29,040 Let's look more closely at what this expressiveness actually looks like in the real world and 339 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:35,160 how you can go about cultivating some of it in yourself. 340 00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:41,400 Kinesthetic Responsiveness People are drawn to and enthralled by displays 341 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:47,360 of health, vigor, and liveliness in a very primal sense. 342 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:52,360 Think of how people can't tear their eyes away from a talented performer, a passionate 343 00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:58,600 dancer or singer, or someone throwing their heart and soul into something special. 344 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:04,400 We're attracted to people that seem to be filled to the brim with passion and energy. 345 00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:08,400 Perhaps we hope that some of it will rub off on us. 346 00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:13,120 Before human beings invented language, they communicated with their bodies. 347 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:20,680 In fact, you could say that movement is a more primitive and immediate form of communication. 348 00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:27,800 Kinesthetic Responsiveness is about expressing yourself emotionally through your body's movement. 349 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:32,400 Boring and unengaging people seem to be dead from the neck down. 350 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,840 They slump and appear stagnant. 351 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:40,920 Their bodies don't seem to extend or expand much into the space around them. 352 00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:48,240 In contrast, charismatic people are embodied, and their enthusiasm manifests in all of them. 353 00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:53,800 They move, they gesture, they shift in their seats, tilt their heads, or flap their hands 354 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:58,640 around madly when telling an amusing story. 355 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:00,280 Do this. 356 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:01,280 Stay in shape. 357 00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:03,640 No, really. 358 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:09,040 If you're healthy and physically active, you'll be more confident and at ease in your own 359 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:13,520 opinion, lighter on your feet, and more mobile. 360 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:19,560 As you speak to anyone, remember that your body is also constantly sending a message. 361 00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:24,680 Do you want that message to be, hmm, I'm half asleep? 362 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:30,080 It's hard to communicate ease and confidence if you're unfit, uncomfortable, or physically 363 00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:34,240 struggling in some way. 364 00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:37,800 Expressive and contagious laugh. 365 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:39,920 A laugh is a powerful thing. 366 00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:44,840 It can make people fall in love, put them at ease, make them trust you. 367 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:47,280 It can make them laugh. 368 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:51,520 Why is a genuine, juicy laugh so infectious? 369 00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:54,840 Well, think about what a laugh is. 370 00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:58,440 A simple, direct expression of joy. 371 00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:06,120 It shows a person that, just for one unguarded moment, is genuinely expressing how they feel. 372 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:13,200 Also, it's a potent communication that you're happy, resilient, healthy, and able to enjoy 373 00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:15,400 yourself. 374 00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:21,840 People who are miserable, anxious, or in the habit of denying themselves pleasure are 375 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:26,240 not attractive and they're not charismatic. 376 00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:31,560 But when you hear a person laugh from their core, something happens to you. 377 00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:33,120 You want to be a part of it. 378 00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:36,000 You're drawn in closer. 379 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:44,800 No barriers and conventions temporarily fall away, and a moment of intimacy is possible. 380 00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:46,480 Do this. 381 00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:50,280 Commit to never stifling a laugh. 382 00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:55,800 Be free and ebullient with your joy and let it overflow when you feel it without a second 383 00:31:55,800 --> 00:32:03,640 thought for how you look or for social appropriateness, within reason, of course, bursting out laughing 384 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:07,480 at a funeral's probably not a good idea. 385 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:15,160 You can even practice by watching funny videos or comedy and letting yourself laugh openly. 386 00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:21,360 The next time you're in company and want to laugh, don't force or fake anything. 387 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:26,680 Genuine and spontaneous joy is like charisma gold dust. 388 00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:29,920 Don't hide it. 389 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:32,560 Expressive voice. 390 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:37,960 Have you noticed how pets and other animals don't care about the words you say to them, 391 00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:42,160 but seem to respond only to the tone and pitch of your voice? 392 00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:44,480 Human animals are no different. 393 00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:49,440 Whether we're conscious of it or not, we all respond to the emotion we hear in other people's 394 00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:53,280 voices, regardless of the words they're using. 395 00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:58,600 If your words are saying one thing and your voice is communicating another, people will 396 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:02,240 perceive the mismatch and it will put them on edge. 397 00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:07,680 They may interpret the discrepancy as insincerity. 398 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:13,080 That's why it's important to communicate with your whole body and your voice is an especially 399 00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:16,880 important part of your body. 400 00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:18,440 Do this. 401 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:20,640 Never speak carelessly. 402 00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:27,280 Instead, think about the emotion you're trying to convey and make sure your voice expresses 403 00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:28,960 that. 404 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:34,160 Through your tone of voice alone, let people know that you're excited to talk to them, 405 00:33:34,160 --> 00:33:38,520 that your conversation brings you pleasure, and that you're fascinated by what they're 406 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,360 saying. 407 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:43,440 An old trick for when you're on the phone? 408 00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:50,880 Even though people can't see you, smile anyway, they'll be able to hear it in your voice. 409 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:53,640 Expressive touching. 410 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:59,360 When we communicate, we're reaching from our world out into the void to touch someone 411 00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:06,160 else's world, and the most obvious and concrete way to do this is to literally touch them. 412 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:08,320 Clearly this comes with some caveats. 413 00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:11,800 Touch needs to be appropriate to work. 414 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:16,960 Lightly brushing someone's hand, upper arms, or shoulder in the course of events can bridge 415 00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:23,480 distances, so to speak, and make the interaction feel more real and present. 416 00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:30,400 If touch is pushy or awkward though, it can prove disastrous. 417 00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:32,120 Do this. 418 00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:37,360 With people you don't know very well, communicate warmth and presence by touching them just 419 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:44,400 once or twice in a conversation, on the shoulders, hands, or lower arms. 420 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:51,720 Naturally, weave the touch into another expressive gesture, for example, a light touch when you're 421 00:34:51,720 --> 00:34:58,000 indicating you, or a gentle nudge on the shoulder as you walk through a door to suggest 422 00:34:58,000 --> 00:34:59,920 they go first. 423 00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:05,800 The trick is to be casual and comfortable in yourself as you do so. 424 00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:12,560 If you can't touch without being stiff or uncomfortable, avoid it for a while. 425 00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:14,440 Don't do this. 426 00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:20,680 A caveat here, touch will be received differently depending on whether a man or woman is toucher 427 00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:22,400 or touchee. 428 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:29,200 As a rule, like it or not, men can get away with far less touch than women can, and it's 429 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:36,200 usually better to touch someone of the same sex to avoid misunderstanding. 430 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:39,960 Relax into being in the limelight. 431 00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:46,640 If you're shy or an introvert, having all eyes turned on you can feel pretty scary, 432 00:35:46,640 --> 00:35:53,880 but charismatic people soak up attention easily and with pleasure. 433 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:59,320 Being put on the spot can be nerve-wracking, but even if you're not a natural performer, 434 00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:02,360 you can fake it somewhat. 435 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:09,520 Protesting, being awkward, or shyly trying to wriggle out of attention actually makes 436 00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:11,640 things worse. 437 00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:14,640 A lot worse, so just relax. 438 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:18,860 Something to remember is that when people turn their attention to you, their intentions 439 00:36:18,860 --> 00:36:21,640 are usually benign. 440 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:27,480 What should nervous newbie comedian on stage for the first time, usually the crowd is generous 441 00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:34,420 with their laughs anyway, they want the performer to succeed and feel comfortable. 442 00:36:34,420 --> 00:36:35,920 Do this. 443 00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:36,920 Use humor. 444 00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:44,480 You don't have to suddenly think of something witty to say on the spot, just smile, relax, 445 00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:45,480 and breathe. 446 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:50,120 But whatever you do, don't make a big deal of any awkwardness in the moment or you'll 447 00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:52,240 amplify it. 448 00:36:52,240 --> 00:36:55,880 Maybe playfully make fun of yourself or the situation. 449 00:36:55,880 --> 00:37:02,680 If everyone has turned to look at you after a slip and fall, just get up, smile, take 450 00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:09,240 a bow and say, ta-da, it's not original, it's not even all that funny, but it puts people 451 00:37:09,240 --> 00:37:14,440 at ease and will make them smile. 452 00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,720 Communicate with your face. 453 00:37:17,720 --> 00:37:23,920 While you might find an inscrutable and mysterious person interesting for a little while, you'll 454 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:29,200 soon get bored of how little they're revealing of themselves. 455 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:31,500 Communication is about being engaged. 456 00:37:31,500 --> 00:37:36,640 People want to know that they're affecting you, that you have an opinion, and that you 457 00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:40,480 are alive and responsive. 458 00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:42,360 Think about being on a date. 459 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:48,480 It's excruciating to be with an unreadable person and not know how they feel about you. 460 00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:53,120 It's far more attractive to be with someone who's letting you know loud and clear where 461 00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:56,600 they are emotionally. 462 00:37:56,600 --> 00:37:58,360 Do this. 463 00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:01,760 Speak less and emote more. 464 00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:06,800 It could be as simple as smiling and nodding instead of saying yes, or lifting a single 465 00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:11,280 eyebrow when someone asks your opinion of a movie. 466 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:17,000 Expressing emotions via the face becomes easier the more you practice. 467 00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:22,680 Look in the mirror and try to see how many different kinds of smiles you can make. 468 00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:29,040 Or the next time you're in a conversation, replace uh-huh sounds with expressions that 469 00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:34,200 mirror or respond to the speakers. 470 00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:38,000 Change your attitude to strangers. 471 00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:43,960 Public speaking coach Sims Wyeth did a survey and found that those who called themselves 472 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:48,760 introverts actually prefer the company of extroverts. 473 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:53,400 Trouble is, extroverts also prefer the company of extroverts. 474 00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:59,760 This suggests that it's simply easier and more fun to be with someone socially outgoing 475 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:00,760 and expressive. 476 00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:05,600 While there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, the truth is that it can put further 477 00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:12,720 distance between you and others and limit the closeness, engagement, and presence required 478 00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:15,640 for charisma. 479 00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:17,000 Do this. 480 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:19,560 Make the first move. 481 00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:22,640 Say hello to strangers first. 482 00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:27,480 This may seem scary, but it actually puts you in the driver's seat and gives you more 483 00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:31,160 control over social interactions. 484 00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:35,520 Practice broaching the silence with new people and you'll see that the earlier you break 485 00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:41,960 the ice, the easier the interaction tends to be. 486 00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:44,280 Flirt a little. 487 00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:50,560 Freedmen believe that charismatic people are experts at using a seductive glance. 488 00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:54,680 While hard to describe, we all know this look when we see it. 489 00:39:54,680 --> 00:40:01,880 Sure, there's a strong link between being charismatic and being sexy, alluring, or 490 00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:08,640 attractive to the opposite sex, but charismatic people are also masters at what could be called 491 00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:10,640 platonic flirting. 492 00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:16,680 They flirt with everyone if we broaden our definition of flirt. 493 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:18,160 Do this. 494 00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:23,760 Practice platonic flirting with family, friends, children, old people, and people you don't 495 00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:25,680 even like. 496 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:31,200 Think back to how much razor focus, warmth, and sparkle you've brought to romantic dates 497 00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:39,840 in the past, and then bring that dazzling, non-sexual version of yourself into the everyday. 498 00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:43,600 Be generous and sincere in the compliments you give. 499 00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:45,920 Smile at people often and praise them. 500 00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:47,800 Laugh at their jokes. 501 00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:52,160 Basically demonstrate that just being around them gives you pleasure. 502 00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:58,600 This makes people feel like a million bucks and like they're seen and appreciated. 503 00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:06,040 This kind of non-romantic chemistry is wonderful to see in action. 504 00:41:06,040 --> 00:41:08,040 Ham it up. 505 00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:14,760 Finally, Freedmen identified one form of emotional expressiveness that is the more fundamental 506 00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:20,160 precursor to body language, pantomime. 507 00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:26,400 Simply acting out a narrative is a brilliant and simple way to add color, life, and dynamism 508 00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:35,520 to your stories and to make you seem more relatable, more amusing, and way more captivating. 509 00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:42,960 You can learn to do this by watching the pros, improv artists, comedians, clowns, impersonators, 510 00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:49,480 and two-year-olds who are the reigning champions of the acting world. 511 00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:50,920 Do this. 512 00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:58,560 The next time you're relating a story to someone, gradually try to incorporate gestures, actions, 513 00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:02,480 voices, and movements to add dimension. 514 00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:04,160 This can be subtle. 515 00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:09,040 For example, if you're relating a discussion between two people, slightly move your position 516 00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:15,680 in space and change your voice and posture when you act out each person's part. 517 00:42:15,680 --> 00:42:21,480 Make liberal use of dramatic pauses, facial expressions, and gestures. 518 00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:27,400 It may seem silly, but imagine you're telling the story to a group of excited toddlers and 519 00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:29,840 exaggerate. 520 00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:35,280 Howard Freedmen's approach to charisma homes in on the emotional expressiveness aspect 521 00:42:35,280 --> 00:42:40,120 of charisma, and judging by his research, this may be the most significant factor when 522 00:42:40,120 --> 00:42:43,720 it comes to charming and engaging people. 523 00:42:43,720 --> 00:42:50,480 It's easy to imagine an emotionally expressive car salesman, stand-up comedian, preacher, 524 00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:54,200 politician, or celebrity with a megawatt smile. 525 00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:59,960 But you may be starting to wonder, is there no room for those people who are quieter, 526 00:42:59,960 --> 00:43:08,400 calmer, more sophisticated, more refined, shy, reserved, or plain old timid? 527 00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:11,720 A word on introversion. 528 00:43:11,720 --> 00:43:13,880 First the bad news. 529 00:43:13,880 --> 00:43:19,520 Charisma is about emotionally impacting others, and it's almost impossible to do that if you're 530 00:43:19,520 --> 00:43:26,440 not literally reaching out to others, taking the risk of showing yourself and being interested 531 00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:29,280 in the people around you. 532 00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:36,520 Very few can manage to be aloof and dismissive of others and yet liked, so if you consider 533 00:43:36,520 --> 00:43:41,920 yourself a naturally reclusive or introverted person, then there's no question. 534 00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:46,920 You'll have to come out of your comfort zone and play a role that may not feel comfortable 535 00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:50,960 at first, if you want to increase your charisma, that is. 536 00:43:50,960 --> 00:43:56,680 But the good news, extroverts have to do this work too. 537 00:43:56,680 --> 00:44:02,760 Many shy people falsely assume that extroverts find all this easy. 538 00:44:02,760 --> 00:44:08,520 A few do, but if you ask most social butterflies, they'll tell you that they had to work on 539 00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:09,520 it. 540 00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:16,120 Sometimes constantly, even the most confident and enigmatic person can sometimes feel vulnerable, 541 00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:20,840 crabby, unconfident, or socially terrified. 542 00:44:20,840 --> 00:44:25,040 The difference is they understand there's no way around it. 543 00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:30,720 Like anything in life, it takes consistent practice, humility, and the willingness to 544 00:44:30,720 --> 00:44:31,720 learn. 545 00:44:32,480 --> 00:44:34,600 There's more good news, though. 546 00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:39,840 You don't have to be an overbearing or fake loudmouth to be charismatic. 547 00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:47,400 You can keep your quiet, calm personality and still be alluring. 548 00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:49,720 Extroverts sparkle. 549 00:44:49,720 --> 00:44:53,080 Introverts glow. 550 00:44:53,080 --> 00:45:00,520 Being naturally less gregarious is no excuse for not mastering warmth, sensitivity, good 551 00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:05,480 communication, listening skills, tact, and expressiveness. 552 00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:11,720 In fact, there are a few aspects of charisma that you may be better equipped to master 553 00:45:11,720 --> 00:45:14,320 than your extroverted brethren. 554 00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:20,400 In our next chapter, we'll look at two case studies that prove that charm comes in many 555 00:45:20,400 --> 00:45:26,880 flavors and introversion or extroversion has very little to do with it. 556 00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:29,440 Summary 557 00:45:30,760 --> 00:45:37,080 Olivia Fox Cabane explains how there are four charisma types, according to the proportion 558 00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:40,840 of power, presence, and warmth. 559 00:45:40,840 --> 00:45:44,960 The focused charismatic, who pays deep attention to others. 560 00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:50,280 The visionary charismatic, who communicates their infectious passion. 561 00:45:50,280 --> 00:45:55,400 The kind charismatic, who inspires with warmth and compassion. 562 00:45:55,400 --> 00:46:02,640 And the authoritative charismatic, who leads others with expertise and power. 563 00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:08,480 Depending on your goals, you can play up your natural charisma strengths or seek to balance 564 00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:10,880 out your weaknesses. 565 00:46:10,880 --> 00:46:16,160 To be socially and emotionally comfortable, plan ahead and make sure you're physically 566 00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:21,960 comfortable, which will remove barriers to charismatic connection. 567 00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:28,040 Use ritual and visualization as a social warm-up. 568 00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:34,040 Music, meditation, and affirmations can help you prepare. 569 00:46:34,040 --> 00:46:37,320 Build presence with mindfulness. 570 00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:42,280 Slow down, breathe, and anchor in the senses. 571 00:46:42,280 --> 00:46:49,320 Pause before you respond, and take conscious care of every detail of the interaction, including 572 00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:56,320 your verbal and nonverbal expression, appearance, and behavior. 573 00:46:56,320 --> 00:47:05,240 Howard Friedman emphasized the affective, nonverbal expressiveness component of charisma. 574 00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:09,640 Communicate with all your body, and laugh openly. 575 00:47:09,640 --> 00:47:15,640 Speak with a dynamic, varied voice that changes in pitch, tone, and expression. 576 00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:24,080 Use touch to bridge distance and create warmth, aware that the rules differ for men and women. 577 00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:31,200 Speak less and emote more via facial expression if you find yourself the center of attention. 578 00:47:31,200 --> 00:47:39,880 Relax and don't draw attention to awkwardness, using humor to diffuse tension. 579 00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:47,520 Use exaggerated pantomime-like gestures, and initiate contact with strangers. 580 00:47:47,520 --> 00:47:53,440 Finally, practice the art of platonic flirting. 581 00:47:53,440 --> 00:48:01,680 Introverts can be charismatic, but they must do so on their own terms. 582 00:48:01,680 --> 00:48:09,000 This has been Massive Charisma, Small Talk, Charm, Likeability, and How to Succeed with 583 00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:19,920 People, written by Patrick King, narrated by Russell Newton.