Speaker: 00:00:00

You need a balance of altruism and

narcissism. You need ultimately, both.

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Very commonly today when people are

having challenges with other people,

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they tend to project the label,

'boy, they're narcissistic'.

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I've seen this over and over again when

people are going through a divorce,

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particularly when they're surrounded

with people that support the person who's

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in the divorce and maybe even

have a lawyer or a psychologist,

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they tend to project onto

the opposite partner, well,

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they're narcissistic disorder,

they're having narcissistic disorder.

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And yet they were married to

those individuals for many,

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many years in some cases and they didn't

call them a narcissist until all of a

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sudden they went through a divorce

and suddenly they're a narcissist.

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I'd like to discuss the

topic today, narcissism,

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and it's complementary opposite, altruism.

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And so I hope you take some notes

because I think that there'll be some

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insights on this one.

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Every human being has moments

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when they're self-absorbed and other

moments when they're other absorbed.

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That means they focus on themselves

and then they focus on others.

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And I've seen people who've been labeled

narcissist, they've come to my program,

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the Breakthrough Experience, the people

who are labeling people narcissist,

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and I have them do the Demartini Method,

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which is a method of

introspection to say the least,

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and then they go and discover that

this individual had another side.

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And when you actually find

out they have the other side,

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you realize that the label that you

projected onto them, the narcissist,

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is not completely who they are.

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So I want to start off by this statement

that no human being is one sided.

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And if we are seeing one side,

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it's because we have a subjective bias

and we're not looking carefully to find

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the other side. And it's

our own subjective bias.

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So beware of the labels,

beware of the facades,

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beware of the diagnosis that this

is this person or that person

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and look at the whole individual.

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I met this woman with my wife many years

ago, and after this meeting I thought,

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wow, she's self-absorbed. And my

first impression was that way.

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And then I realized when

I got to know her more,

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she was head of many philanthropic

organizations and was dedicated to many

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causes. And I realized that

she had both sides. But I,

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my first impression was

one side without the other.

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So before you put a label on somebody,

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before you let a psychologist or

psychiatrist put a diagnostic label on

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somebody, look again.

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And I've been looking at hundreds of

thousands of people that have been labeled

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all kinds of things,

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and I find that those labels are great

for diagnostic purposes and commercial

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enterprises that want to treat something

that may not even be need treated.

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It may just be a realization

of a human being.

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So I'd like to describe narcissism and

altruism, the two poles that we have,

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and it's a spectrum,

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and many individuals in the study

of psychology have known this.

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Whenever we are meeting somebody that

we infatuate with and we put on a

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pedestal, and we're too humble to

admit what we see in them inside us,

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and we really admire them, we'll

minimize ourself, in comparison.

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We're too humble to admit what we see

in them is inside us and we'll minimize

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ourselves. And if you think about it,

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when you've met somebody that you are

highly enamored with highly admiring

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infatuate with,

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you'll tend to sacrifice what's

important to you initially to be in that

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relationship for fear of loss of them.

And you'll go into a self minimizing,

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self depreciating, lower

self-esteem positioning,

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relative to them and

put them on a pedestal.

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When you put them on a

pedestal and minimize yourself,

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you'll tend to wake up your

altruistic persona. And I say persona,

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it's a mask you wear,

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when you're not recognizing what

you see in them inside yourself.

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Whenever you do that, you'll tend

to minimize yourself for them,

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fear the loss of them, sacrifice for them,

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and you'll put on an act

that you are altruistic,

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relative to them. Now, at the same time,

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you might meet somebody else that you

look down on and resent deeply and want to

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avoid, and you're too proud to admit

what you see in them is inside you.

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And now you wake up to them,

a narcissistic persona,

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and you go, well, it's

my way or the highway.

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And I think if you look carefully

in any relationship long term,

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you get both of these personas.

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So anytime you look down on somebody and

you're too proud to admit what you see

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in them is inside you, you tend to

put on your narcissistic persona.

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Anytime you're enamored with them and

infatuated with them, and too humble,

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to admit what you see in them is inside

you, you put on your altruistic persona.

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So relative to different people,

you play out different personas.

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And I can guarantee I can demonstrate

this and show this to people and then show

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the same individual playing out the

opposite role in front of somebody else.

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I know an individual who's

very quote narcissistic,

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and a lot of people

like to label them that,

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but the moment they meet somebody that

they are subordinating to and looking up

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to, I watch them go the other side.

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And I've also seen people

that are really altruistic,

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have their values challenged,

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look down and resent somebody

and play out a narcissistic side.

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So I don't want to label people.

I think that's a subjective bias.

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It's a box. It's not the truth

about the whole individual.

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And so beware. I've had people <laugh>,

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you've heard of people that, I mean,

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Donald Trump is classified by

a lot of people as narcissists,

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but I've known him for 30 years,

I've actually interacted with him.

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So I know he's got the other side.

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I've seen him interacting with his

family and seen him acting with his wife,

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I've seen him very humble and play the

other side. So you don't see that on TV,

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And TV wants to paint a picture

of somebody that's one sided,

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and you'll want to get labeled that way.

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People can make a business off labeling

people and then selling them things to

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treat a label. But the truth is

that human beings have both sides.

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And one may be conscious, the other

one may vacillate and show the,

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it may show up at another time, or it

may be buried, and may be unconscious.

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They may be actually having an inferiority

complex and covering it up with a

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narcissistic complex <laugh>

those labels. And so,

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what I love doing is asking questions

to help people balance out their

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labels, within themselves if they, if

they think they're that way, or others.

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See, the narcissist label or persona

tends to be self-absorbed and think

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the self is more than other. And

to have an elevated self-esteem,

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not self-worth, self-esteem, a

self-righteousness, a superiority complex,

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right? A grandiose. And that can

go all the way from moderation,

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which is slight,

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all the way up to a point where it has

a God complex and it's omnipresent,

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omnipotent and omnipotent and omniessence,

where you think you know it all,

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you think you are everything,

you're the center of attention,

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you're the God complex.

That's the extreme.

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That is a sign of an

individual who is in survival,

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and threatened and you know,

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dissociating from something that's

threatening them and it's creating this

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persona. It's not who they are,

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it's the persona that they're

wearing and under different settings,

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they could play off the complete opposite

side. And so in the Demartini Method,

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in the Breakthrough Experience that

I teach, I ask people to go, okay,

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the person comes to the

program and they say, well,

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I have this person who's narcissistic,

my father's narcissistic,

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or my boyfriend's narcissistic

or whatever. And I go, okay,

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identify what specific trait, action,

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inaction you perceive this individual

displaying or demonstrating that you label

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that way. Whether it's self-absorbed,

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they always want to be right and things

of this nature. And then you go, okay,

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now go to a moment where and when you

perceive them doing the opposite. Well,

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I've never seen that. Ah, ah, go look

again. And then when they go look,

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past their bias, past

their filter, they go, Ooh,

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you're very, very humble here,

and you're very giving over here,

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and very humble there,

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and he listened very

kind of attentive there.

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And then they find that the other side

was there, and they just blocked it out.

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So be aware of our subjective

biases and labels we put on people.

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It's not who they are.

See, I'm an individual.

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I have a hierarchy of values, a set

of values that are unique to me.

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You support my values, I can

be very nice and altruistic,

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and very generous and kind and all

those other sides, positive, et cetera.

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But if you challenge my values, I can

be mean as a tiger. Nice as a pussycat,

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mean as a tiger.

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And I can get narcissistic and aggressive

and all those other signs that you

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think that are narcissist. When I look

at myself honestly, I've had both.

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And I play out both roles in

different settings at different times.

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So I'm not one-sided,

and neither are they.

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Take the time to look deeper. See,

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it's easy to want to label somebody and

dissociate from the dynamic you're in

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and just blame them with

a false attribution bias,

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they're this way and that's why

you're having this problem with them.

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But I found that I, I used to have

patience come in and people say, man,

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I just don't deal with that person.

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And then I find out what their values are

and talk in those values and out comes

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this other side. And they don't do that.

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They're just projecting their values

onto them and they're getting challenging

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them. And whenever you challenge people,

that narcissistic side comes out.

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When you support somebody,

the altruistic side comes out.

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If I care enough about that individual

to find out what their values are and

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care enough to communicate what

I want in terms of their values,

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I can get the other side.

So beware of the labels,

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because that's not the whole individual.

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The whole individual is

somebody worth loving.

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The narcissistic persona and the

altrutistic personas are just parts,

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and they're not the whole being.

So be aware of those labels,

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because when you're challenged, you

tend to get narcissistic. You know,

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you tend to want to fight back. When

you get your sympathetic nervous system,

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you get testosterone, you tend to be

self-absorbed that way to fight back.

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But if you get supported, you tend to

get altruistic and you get estrogen,

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you tend to be the other

side. So don't label people.

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That's not the truth about human

beings. And I know that, I've seen it,

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I've seen diagnosis, even

in the fields of psychology,

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the diagnostic systems are varied.

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Most people see narcissism as a

spectrum from moderation to extreme.

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And I'm agreeing. When you're in

a situation where you're really,

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really challenged, you can

get very narcissistic. I can.

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And when you get really, really supported,

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I can get really altruistic and

sacrifice for people. I play both sides.

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And so do the people, if

you look carefully at them.

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So when I see people going through a

divorce and I see them both labeling them

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and paying lawyers to fit those

labels and psychologists do it,

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those people are just taking advantage

of those misinterpretations and

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subjective biases in those moments

when they're fighting in many cases.

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And then five years later,

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they don't label them that way because

you're getting along with them again.

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And for 10 years in the marriage

they didn't label them that way,

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they get along with them.

When you communicate

effectively in people's values,

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you get the whole individual. But

if you sit and challenge them,

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you'll get the narcissistic side come

out of them. When you support them,

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you get the altruistic side.

I mean, think about it,

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if all of a sudden you came

home and you said, dad,

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I've got honor role this year,

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and I've got miss prom

queen and I've got you know,

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president of the

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social body of the school and I've

got a scholarship to this great Ivy

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League school and everything else, can I

borrow the car? Your dad will say, yes,

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absolutely. I'm proud of you. Right?

He'll say yes. But if you go in and say,

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Hey, dad,

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I'm pregnant and I don't know who it was

and I was doing drugs last night and I

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stole your car and I used your credit

card, and the police are after you,

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can I borrow the car again?

<Laugh>, You'll go, no <laugh>.

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And you'll be really belligerent and

you'll be narcissistic on them and you'll

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start demanding and controlling.

When people feel that they're very,

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very challenged, that narcissistic

side comes out and it's necessary.

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You need a bit of it. You need a

balance of altruism and narcissism.

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You need ultimately both. In fact,

when the second you get proud,

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we have a licensing effect inside us

that automatically gives ourselves

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permission to do something

we're ashamed of.

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If we go out and work out really strong

and really work out and get, you know,

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get in shape like I did this morning,

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and then all of a sudden you give

yourself permission to overeat or drink or

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maybe eat chocolate or

something like that at night,

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anytime you do something that gives

you credit that you're proud of,

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you automatically give yourself permission

to do something you take blame for

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and that you're ashamed of.

That's the licensing effect.

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And that's going on inside the psyche on

the person that's a narcissist and the

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altruist. There's no

one-sided individual. Now,

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if you are consciously of one,

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conscious of one and unconscious of

the other and you label them, well,

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then that's your subjective bias.

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But if you come fully

conscious and ask the question,

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the quality of your life is

based on the questions you ask,

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where is the other side

of that individual? And

balance out your perception,

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you'll calm yourself down,

you'll treat them differently,

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you'll interact with them differently,

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and you'll discover they have a

different action. Watch out for labels,

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because they're not. Because I found that

the people that are very narcissistic,

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I know an individual that was labeled

narcissistic by a whole lot of people,

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and I saw that individual meet

somebody that they were humbled to

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and admiring and looking up to,

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and I watched their altruistic

behavior come out relative to them,

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because now they're perceiving it.

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But they were perceiving themselves maybe

more superior and too proud to admit

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what they see in others inside themselves

relative to the people that were

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labeling them. So be aware of the labels.

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The reality is that human beings have

both sides. And if we can see both sides,

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we can bring it out. I've learned out

when you love people for who they are,

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they turn into who you love. If

you love them for both sides,

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you get both sides. If you actually label

somebody and you then challenge them,

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then label them, put them down,

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they're going to get more sympathetic

activation, more arrogant in the process,

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and you're going to end up finding out

that you just now created your belief

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system. Wiser to go and find out

where the other side is and not react.

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That lady that I met that I

thought was all, you know,

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self-absorbed and narcissistic,

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turned out to be one of the

most philanthropic ladies,

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most very generous ladies and

giving ladies and caring ladies,

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and I got to know her over time. You know,

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don't let that first impression of

that facade that you get interfere with

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getting to know individuals.

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When you are actually infatuated with

people and put them on a pedestal,

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you are blind to the downside. When you

resent people and put them in the pit,

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you're blind to the upside.

When you get to love somebody,

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you get to see both sides.

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And watch out for labels because it

means you're only seeing one side of the

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individual. For every narcissistic

tendency, there's an altruistic tendency.

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Look carefully. Even in the reality

I've seen in the business world,

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I've seen when people are entrepreneurs

and they learn to delegate things

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and hire people and extract surplus

labor value out of it and make profits,

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if they get more than above the

average in society and become wealthy,

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they also wake up sometimes

philanthropic activities.

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And the person that's now below and there

seems to be altruistic and sacrificing

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for the company,

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they end up becoming more social

welfare oriented and they think,

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well people owe them something. So the

conscious side maybe look altruistic,

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but then there's an

unconscious side that says,

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I deserve and I'm entitled

and you owe me something.

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And the narcissist side that you

think is there, that's conscious,

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has an unconscious side

that's philanthropic,

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that's trying to make a contribution.

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So don't be fooled by facades and labels.

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Look for both sides.

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And you will find out that the labels

and diagnostic labels that people put are

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usually signs of subjective bias and

ignorance on the people's parts who are

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diagnosing them. They're choosing and

selecting only part of the equation.

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And so I find out when you treat

people that way, you get that outcome.

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When you actually, and by the way, if

you try to run away from those people,

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you run into those same people again,

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because it's your button

that you're dealing with,

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your own subjective bias and you

keep running into those people.

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That's why you see people keep attracting

these narcissists as they label them,

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because they're not owning where it is.

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If you take the time to go in there and

look at where you're pointing a finger

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at them and where you're doing

the same thing inside your life,

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that's what's usually going on.

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When two people are in a

battle in the divorce process,

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this person over here is

labeling that person narcissist.

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This person there is labeling

that person narcissistic.

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They're both trying to get what they want,

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<laugh> and both thinking

about themselves,

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instead of going for a

sustainable fair exchange.

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All symptoms in our life, in our

social life, in our business life,

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our financial life, in all areas of our

life, are trying to get us authentic,

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and to try to create a sustainable

fair exchange where narcissism and

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altruism are brought into

equilibrium. That state of equanimity,

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that state of equity, that's

the state where power is.

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So be aware of the lies you

make in yourself about a

narcissist or an altruist.

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There aren't anybody.

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I found out people that think they're

altruist have a hidden agenda,

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and they may not admit

it, but it's unconscious,

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but it's there and I can uncover

it and show it and reveal it.

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It's either compensation for guilt of the

past or a hidden agenda of the future.

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And just like narcissism,

it's compensation for the

past, pride of the past,

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and a hidden agenda,

philanthropic agenda. So don't be,

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don't be fooled by facades.

Look carefully for both sides.

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Find both sides and learn to love people.

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And realize that whatever we judge

in others, we have within ourself.

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Find it in yourself.

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Go to the moment where and when

you perceive yourself displaying or

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demonstrating the same

thing you perceive in them,

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and you'll find out that the fingers

out there are pointing back at you and

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you're also doing the same. And you

have both sides just like they do.

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When you can see that in you

and you can see that in them,

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you liberate yourself from a lot of burden

and you also learn how to manage the

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state. Because when you love

people for who they are,

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they turn into who you love. So I

just wanted to take a moment on that.

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That's why I tell people to come

to the Breakthrough Experience.

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I teach people how to

discern those distinctions,

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how to neutralize the perceptions,

how to own the traits,

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how to stop the labels,

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how to love people and watch the

transformation and the dynamics of people

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around you the moment you

change the dynamics within you.

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That's why I tell people, come

to the Breakthrough Experience,

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because it's a very powerful eye-opening,

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trajectory changing experience for

two days on how to deal with people

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and yourself, how to love yourself

and others more profoundly,

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because that's going to help

you in all areas of life.

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It's going to help you

in your mental powers,

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because you're going to have less noise

in the brain from all the judgments,

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it's going to help you in your business

because you're going to treat people

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more as equals, instead

of labeling people.

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You're going to learn how to help

yourself financially because when you do,

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you're more likely to be

poised and present and less

emotional with vicissitudes

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and volatility.

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You're going to be more stable in your

relationship because people don't want to

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be labeled, they want to be loved.

And when you're in social settings,

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the same thing there. Beware of those

labels. I see this all over the place.

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I see people labeling these people

absolute evil. No they're not.

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They're human beings. They're

raising families. They love.

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So beware of the labels and

I see that affecting health,

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people that label people

are stuck in health issues,

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and they're definitely not inspired.

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Every time you judge you block your

inspiration, every time you love,

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you liberate it. So come to

the Breakthrough Experience.

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Let me show you how to love the

things you thought were unlovable,

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and that includes you and all the

things you're judging in yourself.

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Because I guarantee you,

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nobody on the outside are you judging

that's not also representing parts of you

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on the inside.

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So I just wanted to share a moment

on this so-called narcissistic idea,

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the truth of narcissism or altruism,

and realize they're inseparable.

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The true you has a combination of both

and you deserve to be loved for both.

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And both are serving as

feedback mechanisms to help

you become authentic and

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live with sustainable fair exchange where

you maximize your potential in life.

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So I'll see you at The

Breakthrough Experience. Thank

you for joining me today.

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See you next week.