Tricia Thornton Audio

[00:00:00] The Missional Life Podcast, inspiring Kingdom-minded believers around the world to live the mission of God in their lives.

Dan: All right. Welcome back to the Mission Life podcast. Today we have Tricia Thornton on the show. Tricia is a licensed professional counselor, registered play therapist, and author of the new book Beyond Blessing Parenting, embrace these seven principles and experience authentic connection. Through her years of counseling experience and personal parenting journey, Tricia brings practical wisdom for nurturing healthy grace-filled relationships within the home.

Tricia. Welcome to the show.

Tricia: Welcome. Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Dan: Absolutely. Well, parenting the big deal. What led you to write Beyond Blessed Parenting at this moment in your life?

Tricia: Well, I'm about two weeks ahead of being an empty nester, so I'm in a whole different stage . Of [00:01:00] parenting.

And parenting never ends. You're, you keep on parenting, I would say, what? Probably led me is the many years of working with families in my private practice as a counselor also in schools, and then just living life as a parent. I have discovered that parenting is not easy. And it's full of ups and downs and fulls of, full of joys pitfalls heartaches and then mixed up and a lot of unknowns.

So I just feel like at this point many parents are feeling overwhelmed. Many parents are feeling caught in traps of comparison and hearing one thing from the world, hearing one thing from the church, hearing one thing from books and one thing from the internet, and, it's overwhelming. I really just felt called, I kind of almost after writing my first book, blessing from Fear, I, it was such a natural bleed into this book [00:02:00] and I just didn't really, honestly even feel like I had a choice not to write it.

Dan: Wow. Amazing.

I think you're completely right on. There's so many parents. I mean, we've felt it at times too. We've got, oh yes. Only two kids, and they're fantastic kids. But there are moments, right, that we just feel overwhelmed.

Tricia: I often say that parenting is. You feel the nudge to be a perfect parent.

And I right off at the intro of my book, I reassure the reader that there is no perfect parent and on this side of heaven there is no perfect parent. So we are not going to be able to achieve that. And it can get overwhelming when we strive and strive and strive for that perfection. So I try to emphasize.

Hence the title, the subtitle of We're trying to instill connection and let that authentically happen.

Dan: Yeah, and just to piggyback that on that we'll, we'll pivot here from, but it's just like, I nailed it today. Had, I had connected with [00:03:00] my kid, and we had this moment and it was wonderful.

Then you like get on social media and you're like. Oh, well, they connected a little bit better, and I guess I'm not quite as good of a parent as this other, yeah, so Or your

Tricia: child has a meltdown at the end of the connecting moment and you think, oh, well. That didn't go well. So yes.

Dan: Wow. So tell us, I know you begin, you have seven, I guess you would call principles that you introduce in this book.

Can you walk us through what some of those are? And I think you start, is it, with silence? If start, start with silence and why do you start with silence? Share with us. Yeah.

Tricia: So the story behind picking those seven is really quite fun. I. Was actually. Marketing and on a book tour for my first book and I was just taking a walk and I was in kind of a area near, near the beach I was just taking a walk and enjoying a nice day and I just felt like I, a lot of times the way I journal is I audio journal, [00:04:00] so when I'm taking walks I just put the notes on my phone and I start talking and it was just recording my voice and I just kind of was.

Naming things like parenting and what is it about parenting and I just kind of, these seven words just came to me and at the end of the notes, I went back and I was looking back over it and I was like. Oh, that, that's, that's a book. That's my book right there. So that it was really kind of just popped into my brain.

And then over time, as I began to really sink into each of the seven principles, I realized this is the foundation of, of being a parent. And. Uh, first authentically connecting with God. Th this is the layout of how for us to do that. So the, it really is a book where it will speak to you personally and not only connecting with your children, but first connecting with God.

I talk a lot about the [00:05:00] cross of connection, and we can get into that. But the seven principles, the, the word silence I'm often asked what's the hardest of the seven for me? And I think silence probably is one of the hardest because the noise of the world and the emotional noise that we hear is so loud every single day.

And I'm in a position where I'm sitting in this office behind me listening to stories of. Parents and adults and teenagers and even young children in my playroom through play therapy. And there's not a lot of silence. There's a lot of noise that is happening around them and inside of them. So silence to me was the basic foundation.

If we can turn our eyes and ears. Towards God, then we can begin to embrace all of the other seven. [00:06:00] So listening was the next one and to me. If you're talking and you're listening to all the noise, you can't listen real well. I mean, in parenting we often hear people, you know, parents say, listen to me

I hear that and I think, I grew up with a lot of, Tricia, are you listening to me? Are you sure you're listening to me? Tell me what I said. I think the emotional noise and the noise around me was so loud as a child that I did have a hard time listening within and from noise around.

And then we go into acknowledgement. Acknowledgement to me is. There's many facets to that principle that can be acknowledged within yourself. It can be acknowledged a number. Another, it can also be first, acknowledge the power and the awesomeness of our father, of our Heavenly Father, and then renewal.

To me, I'm kind of building up to. A state of [00:07:00] where we find some wholeness and some emotional wholeness then forgiveness. And I will tell you with the word forgiveness. This was a hard one. I, it took me several days to land on that word. I wanted to call it letting go. I felt like I would go write and actually hand write my books

and it's such a beautiful experience for me emotionally. And um, so I would go write then I would take a walk and I'd come back and I would erase the word forgiveness and write, letting go. I'd be like, no, no, no, I just need to say forgiveness. And I felt really a strong nudge finally.

And I felt like God was saying, oh, just let go Tricia and just let it be forgiveness. It's okay. That word is hard word, but let we all kind of have to stew on that a little bit. So forgiveness. And the sixth one is balance. That [00:08:00] one to me is, again, multifaceted. That could be. Balance, literally movement, physical balance.

But that also is a balance of all the plates and hats that us as humans and parents wear. And then the last one is Embrace, each of the seven has a character that's attached to it that's fictional based. On my interactions professionally and personally. It was interesting when I was recording my audiobook which is I loved doing and that was a joy to read the book and when I was reading the Embrace.

It really got me. I realized because she the character is Elizabeth and she's closest to my age, she's closest to me. And when I was reading it, I was like, it just all of a sudden, reading it aloud was so interesting and I end with that one because I feel like that's the [00:09:00] pinnacle of us just being able to embrace ourselves, our true selves, which is a lot of what my first book is about, then embracing our father and letting him embrace us and being open to that.

So that's a rundown of the seven.

Dan: I, I'm going back to, I'm going back to the beginning, uh, on number one. How so important that is because Yeah, silence with silence because I, I heard recently that silence fosters presence and it brings clarity prayer, and there are attune attunement for sure.

And like, when we're quiet, I, I found that even with, as I was like dating my wife, I'm the extrovert. She's more the introvert, most of the time. There are times where I just, if, if I just shut my mouth, she had a lot to say. Right. And I think that's the same thing in, in life, right? That like oftentimes if we just shut our mouth, God has a lot to say, but he's just gonna.

Wait, you know, wait for us to just be quiet and be still, it's like, you know, like be still and then know, and know that I'm God, be still. And then like, then you will know that I'm God. Because, you know, he comes to us in those moments. That, and, and as we're, even with our children, there are moments where like, there's not much that mean need to be said, but they just need that presence.

They need you to be silent with them and they need you to be still. And that presence brings so much. And so, I mean, and we really

Tricia: can't do that [00:10:00] without. Being silent. Yeah. Attunement and authentic connection really starts with that foundational principle.

Dan: Even God, like Jesus is the beloved son, but goes and he's quiet and still with his father

he, he models that and oftentimes because of the busyness of life because of children and because of all these things, silence is a challenging thing and that noise, these constant, buzzes and things, they break that, and they break relational connection between our father and us.

It can break relational connection between spouse and us. Like, Hey, you're talking and then, all of a sudden you're distracted.

Tricia: Brains get almost addicted to the busyness, but really what our brains biologically crave is to be cherished, to be still to be loved.

And really all seven of these, that's biologically what our brain and the way God designed our brain to be. One of the neat., I think it's fascinating is I [00:11:00] made the seven characters age ranges from 32 to 72, anybody in the parenting phase, whether you're wanting to have children one day or you have grand babies and you're parenting your grandchildren or your your children's children and your C older children.

It appeals to anybody, I have, men and women as all the characters, and I, I feel like it's a book kind of for anybody because parenting I know sounds like it's just for people who have children, but really there's a lot of people out there that are in parenting roles that aren't really actual parents yet.

Or will ever be.

Amanda: Yeah. I actually have a sister, especially in missionary work, so yes, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, to that point, like my, one of my two sisters does not have kids of her own, but she happily fills in the role [00:12:00] of the dotting aunt.

And her nieces and nephews benefit from that very much.

And we're so grateful for that. So we just, in talking about connection. You write about authentic connection and can you just share with us what exactly does that look like in a home?

Tricia: Yeah, that's a big one. Okay. So authentic, when I think of that word, authentic, I think of the word like true to your true self.

You, you're honoring your true self, you're also, you, it encompasses having emotional boundaries. It encompasses. Being. Present, like we talked about, and being able to put aside your needs but balance your needs at the same time. It is a big, hard thing to actually authentically connect.

So what I did was I came up with this idea of this cross of connection, and I will teach parents that parenting, [00:13:00] when you look at it from the framework of a cross. It makes a lot of sense, and I learned this personally the hard way because when I was a younger parent and younger married, I felt like I didn't.

Actually do this as, as authentically as I wish I had been able to. A lot of times my work is helping parents learn from what didn't work well with me or what didn't go okay, and how I cor corrected, then they can learn hopefully from that. So the cross of connection, to answer your question about authentic connection is it first starts with God.

So whether that is. Whatever that means to someone. But first connect with God. Then you connect within yourself, so then you connect with a partner. So with your spouse and even a single parent with a community of friends and a support system, and then you [00:14:00] connect with your children. That's a lot of connecting at the top of the cross before you get to the.

To the children. It is so common, and I know this firsthand to maybe be okay in the top part, but we skip the spouse and we go directly to our children. So we will skip that connecting piece with another partner and bypass it because we just wanna pour ourselves into our children. Then that core foundational.

Marriage begins to break down. So a lot of that authentic connection, I talk throughout about first connect with God and within yourself, and how do you do that? That is embracing these seven principles I make it very clear, and I'll make it clear here. We are not gonna ever master all seven of these, we're not even gonna master one of these really, really, really well, but we can do our best to try [00:15:00] to tackle.

Some of these, if not all of these, at least a little bit, and be able to authentically connect within ourself and with God, then with our kids. I hope that answers, but it really has to do with you and your relationship with God and within yourself.

Dan: Such a good answer. As you were talking it, I love that picture and the imagery.

Thank you for the cross. I think that's just gonna be so helpful for us.

Tricia: It's in the book so people can see the picture.

Dan: Yeah. May, yes. Listen to make sure you go, you can see how this is all drawn out, but the, my Mind, I was drawing a different picture. And I'm hearing you describe this what my, what I was seeing was.

Very similar to what you, what you described, but I'm thinking of the disciple that according to tradition was flipped upside down. Right? Like he didn't wanna be crucified the same way that as Jesus. So he was crucified upside down and I was thinking like, that's such a good picture of how our culture.

Racists kids is that we elevate kids above everything else. [00:16:00] And if there's time for God sticking in the ground, like that short part sticking in the ground, but I just think about the parent that's just overwhelmed driving kids from soccer practice to baseball practice

and like there's zero capacity or zero, overflow into their spouse and, and, and, or, , friends or social circle or whatever that is work even sometimes. Forgot. And I just think that's such a real life issue.

Tricia: Yeah that what you just described is what comes into my office every day.

Yeah. Every day I have a parent coaching program that I work with parents and pretty much I say I'm not working with her child yet. I will say, I, my hope in my prayer is that your child will never enter my office. Because I would love for your child not to have to come and have play therapy, or have talk therapy in whatever form of therapy we're doing.

I hope that I can work with the parents and put them in a connected place [00:17:00] within themselves and through that cross of connection framework that they will then. Strengthen their connection with each other, so then. They can then authentically connect with their child. And when a child feels that parent authentically connecting, which means that we have to put our phones down, then that means they will feel seen, heard emotionally safe, and they will then be able to regulate their emotions and be able to handle better all the big stuff that comes their way.

Dan: That's

Tricia: not easy. That's not easy to do. Yeah. Yeah.

Dan: The other, the other piece that you said earlier that really stuck out to me that is. To a degree counter-cultural, but I would even say beyond just counter-cultural, more counter Christian cultural is that you talked about how we need to first fellowship with with God, and then we need to put ourself.

There are a lot of people that would argue, no, no, [00:18:00] no, we need to serve is our neighbor first and we need to put others first. There's probably seasons for that or situations for that. But if we're not healthy ourself, we can't help other people.

So

Tricia: I point to Christ for that example. Because what you were just saying, he took himself away. From the Disciples and Garden Gethsemane. There were other examples where he went and was by himself, attended to himself, attended to his relationship with his father before he could be a go out and mission and do his mission work.

Mm. If he didn't, we, there's no way that he would've been able to go forward and follow. What his, what God was calling him to do. He had to go and have time by himself. So to me, I've heard that argument many times too, it's confusing, it, it's confusing message in the church a lot of times, when it's a lot of times focused on works [00:19:00] and we're trying to balance between how do we do that, but yet still attend to ourselves.

I give throughout the book ways that are very practical to do that, that you can do that. I kind of call it sprinkling in self-care throughout your day. One, and you may have this as a question, but I'll, I'll go ahead and answer it, but I am so often asked, what is the number one thing you can do as a parent?

To help your child? What? What is the number one thing? I've had clients come in here and ask me that, and I always answer it. Well, it may not love to hear the answer, but the answer is to take care of yourself first, then take care of your children. And so it's really the idea of putting on the mask and the airplane.

I literally remember at one point. I just remember being on an airplane and it kind of sinking in for the first time. I don't know how old I was, but I remember thinking, well that seems kind of selfish. Like why would you, of course you're gonna help your child. Then all of a sudden it was like, oh, [00:20:00] well if the parents passed out because they haven't gotten oxygen, they can't help their child.

It, it literally. You know, realistically hit me. And I, it's a great example and I think that's what Christ does, is he goes out and takes care of himself to fuel himself, to be able to then connect with others and to lead the disciples. Yeah,

It's,

Dan: Yeah, I'm sure you expound on that in the, in the book. So if, listeners if you just get that one p one truth, that's so important, to get, to get set free from that, that lie that we all get sold in, in so many ways that, if we can get truth and revelation on that in itself, who get the, from that's worth it.

It's so

Tricia: It's so freeing. And I'm by no means, I mean, daily I make mistakes as a parent and I will forever. But I do know that when I began to do a lot of inner work and shift myself, that involved a lot of forgiveness of myself and others that I finally was able to go.

Okay. I can slow down myself [00:21:00] enough to attend to myself, so then I can be a better mom. I can be a better spouse, I can be a better friend, and I can attune with God even more in a rich way.

Amanda: That's so good. It actually just brought back a memory. I go running in the mornings.

, Less consistently now than I used to, so hoping to get that built up again. . But when our daughter, who's now 10, when she was younger, four or five, six, and she'd say, oh mommy, are you going running? I said, yes. , I'm gonna be gone just for a little bit. And she goes, oh, I don't want you to go.

I said, mm-hmm. I would tell her, this will help me be a better mommy to you if I do.

Tricia: Yes. My children have heard that line. They're 18 and 21. They have heard that line a lot.

Amanda: And I love what you shared too about sprinkling self-care throughout the day. It's not just this one and done major event.

Like, okay, I've like checked it off my list, I've done my self-care event for the day. It's like, no, just. Make sure you're drinking water throughout the day. Take mental breaks,, grab that cup of [00:22:00] coffee or tea, and just take those few moments throughout the day, not just like a monumental thing every day.

That might be less attainable than, than those. Small moments throughout each day.

Tricia: I mean, we would all love a spa day. That would be lovely. Yeah. But it's not realistic. When we can't have that long self-care day or self-care retreat, what can you do?

And it can be very practical. I one of the. Tidbits that I share often, to moms or dads, uh, whoever's picking up the children from school or the soccer practice or whatever, typically you have anywhere from five to 30 minutes, you know, but usually around 10 to 10 to 15 minutes in the car that you're, that you're having.

And, and I had to learn this the hard way. I had to. Put on kind of a prepared attitude. So when, because when our sweet little kiddos get in that car, we have no idea what they have encountered during that day. It could. It could be really hard day, it could be a really happy day. It could be an [00:23:00] in-between day, but we're taking them in.

So we have to be prepared to be in a grounded as much as we can place to welcome them in. That is not easy to do. I learned quickly that that 10 minutes was sacred and I. Did not, and, and I didn't do this at first, and finally when I did learn it, I was like, oh, this is so much better. I would never schedule a call or a, I have to call the friend back, or I have to check that email, or I have to do that one thing.

On the way to pick them up. I would block out that 10 minutes and, and sometimes it can't happen. Sometimes there's no way. You just have to do what you have to do. But for the most part, if you can schedule that 10 minutes and during that 10 minutes. That 10 minutes can look whatever it needs to.

You can be screaming, you can be screaming to rap music if you want. You can be rolling all your windows down. You can be in silence. You can listen to worship music. You can listen to something funny, whatever it is that will fuel your bucket, that's okay, [00:24:00] but do it in a way that will feel that you're honoring yourself.

So then when you are welcoming those. Sweet kiddos in with all that's coming in that car. 'cause I kind of feel like it's like a fury of emotions that get in the car that you're able to take that on. ' cause it's a lot to pick up kids from school, no matter if it's a homeschool, a soccer practice, whatever it is.

Whatever the activity.

Dan: Well you're dropping so much from your new book, so excited. Such good wisdom, such great insight. I wanna. Even go a little bit deeper if we can, Tricia. Uh, absolutely. I know you are highly educated. You have degrees from Vanderbilt, you have degrees from a degree, from, Denver Seminary, and so you know a lot about a lot.

And I'm just wondering if you can help us, understand like why is understanding the brain's role in connection so vital for parents? Yeah,

Tricia: Early on in. My work as a play therapist, I. Realize that when children can [00:25:00] understand in a easy to understand way, why their brain does what they do, it was so freeing.

It was so life-giving to them. So I began early on in my work as a therapist, even when I was in schools, to dive in. To the neuroscience of, of emotions and why we do what we do and why our brain does what it does. That just led me to even fall more in love with God and the way he made our brains.

When you look at the interest intricacies of how our brain works, it is really hard for me to deny that there would not be a God. Because it's so powerful. Every nerve, every cell, every synapsis it's just fascinating to me. I lately got a certification from Mine Site Institute with Dr. [00:26:00] Dan Siegel, and it's in.

Interpersonal neurobiology, and it's such a fun word to say. I can't even say that. I don't think all that really means, it's a lot of words. It's a lot of big words, but all that means is how our minds work and how emotions the mind the thoughts and the feelings all go together, and what does that look like in a practical way.

When I would pull out, I almost every session, in fact. So cute. When I have a kid. I'll tell you what I do, in the sessions is I'll have, and I pull this out with adults too. I pull this out with everybody. I have a little brain model that the prefrontal cortex, which is what I call the upstairs brain, is green.

In my model, it's actually colored green, so we call it the green part. Because prefrontal cortex is a little difficult to say, so we just call it the green part. And then the amygdala, which is in the limbic emotional region of our brain, in my model, is a little black dot. And so we call it the [00:27:00] almond because I point to the little black dot, and it's the shape of an almond.

And so. Several times I'll have a child come in and I'll say, how was your week? He'll, he or she will look at me and he'll go, Ugh, miss Tricia. My almond really had a hard time and my green part just didn't wanna wake up, when they say that, I'm like, oh, you know, just like, it's like they get it, they get it, they get it.

So it's such a sweet moment. But I realized over time that when I could explain to anybody that. Why they have a tantrum and why they act the way they act when they're scared or they're mad or they're upset or confused or they feel not heard, then it was so life-giving and they all of a sudden would be like, oh, I can control what I do and what my brain's doing.

This is a good tactic for, for parents of teenagers. Teenagers and middle schoolers, they in, in really any age, [00:28:00] but they in particular get a little frustrated being told what to do over and over and over. One time I had a, a guy come in and I said, um, are you just so tired of people telling you what to do all the time?

And he looked at me, he was like, yes. I am. I so tired. My, you know, I was like, your sister tells you what to do. Your mom tells you what to do, your teachers tell you, your coaches tell you what to do. He was like, yes. And I said, well, who tells your brain what to do? And he just looked at me and I said. Do you tell your brain what to do?

Does your mom tell your brain what to do? Does your coach tell your brain what to do? He's like, oh, I tell my brain what to do, and I'm like, yes. So you finally get to tell somebody what to do. You finally get to control somebody. And he was like, oh, great. , Easier said than done, but. I can't at this point work with parents without explaining how their brain works and why their child is doing what they're doing.

I talk about the three [00:29:00] Ps of parenting and there's a lot more information in this, in the book, but the first is prepare and then prioritize, which is prioritize self-care as a parent. And then the other one is perspective. Mm-hmm. And if I don't have the perspective of what's happening in my child's brain, then I'm not gonna be able to be grounded.

I'm gonna be a reactive parent. For example, when. My daughter is going to college. I know that is gonna be filled with a lot of different emotions from her part and my part she might be a little bit defensive. She might be a little reactive on the day we move in. And if I take that personally and not pause for a second and think from her brain perspective what's happening in her brain why her amygdala is waking up and her prefrontal cortex is not awake.[00:30:00]

I have so much more of a. Kind of a relaxed attitude as a parent instead of being so defensive and so reactive and wanting to control the situation. So I hope that helps.

Amanda: That's so good because it's those instances where there's high emotions and that's where huge division can get in very easily.

So learning how to step back and see, okay, this is what's really going on beneath the surface. It makes a lot more sense and it allows for that grace to come in, have a different perspective, like you said. Absolutely.

Tricia: There is one thing that's really helpful for parents to begin to grasp is every meltdown that we have as parents or anybody has whatever age child, there is a message behind it.

It's an opportunity, it's a communicator. They, it's their brain's way of trying to communicate and tell you something. When you have that perspective and you really [00:31:00] understand why their brain's doing what they're doing, and I go into a lot more detail of. How the vagus nerve and all the different intricacies of the brain.

. But I make it hopefully really easy to understand. Then it gives you such power within to then do the authentic connection because otherwise we're just gonna be reactive all the time.

Dan: Yeah. Yeah. There's been a couple different situations I was gonna share. The, the first one was in my mind, I'm thinking about how we would travel with our kids quite often between Colorado and Ohio.

And there are moments where we'd, we'd, we'd be traveling late, we'd be arriving late and like , they're, they, their past, you know, their path, they're, they're good, but they're, they've lost it. They're, and they're not melting down. We don't fully. I don't know. I may, may they have those moments

but yes, we try to put those parameters around 'em we're not melting down at the moment, but um, we try to I don't wanna say it basically. It is gr grace, par grace speech's parenting in the sense that I'm trying to understand what's going on. Like I'm wanting them to, to, to listen to me.

'cause that's, I'm a dad. We're a mom. Like they need to listen to us because that's a foundational principle. However, at the moment, it's 12:45 AM mm-hmm. And [00:32:00] like, they should have been in bed four hours ago. There's a lot going on. And for me, in some of the ways that , we're not getting parenting a hundred percent right.

But it's like something that we've, you know, we've done, we, we've done in that situation, it's like, all right. I've, I've now moved the bar I wanted you to do this A, B, and C and D, but now let's just do like half of a, and I'm gonna meet you here, so you're still obeying me. So we've got that principle in place that you are obeying me, but now I'm understanding like they just don't do that and they can't do it.

We're, you know, we're meeting in the middle. I can't do it, but I wanna listen, but I feel horrible. I want you to listen, but you can't do what I want you to say. And so, meeting in the middle or even. More, uh, more in their territory. It cre it keeps that bond that they still respect me of the dad and they still you know, and they still honor that principle.

But for me, not just exploding on them and saying, you will

listen to me. I am your father. Pick that up and let's go. We gotta taxi to catch,

Dan: like that doesn't help anybody in the long run.

Tricia: And if you do that, which yeah. We all have lost it. I have lost. We've all lost. We'll, and we'll, we'll keep doing that Uhhuh, but when you do to be able.

To be in a place of [00:33:00] connection within. . And look at your child and say, Ugh, I'm, I am so sorry I lost it. And whew, let's figure out what next time I can do that would be more helpful. And maybe what can you do that would be more helpful? And it's a partnership , that's one of the most beautiful models we can ever model to our children, is when we own that we made a mistake.

Yeah,

Dan: we, we reverse, we reverse disciple our kids when daddy's driving in a big city and daddy's getting frustrated. It's like, this is, this is why people, mommy and daddy need Jesus as well. And and they know. Just a, but they also know like, this is not, this is not dad at his best at the moment.

Tricia: Absolutely.

Daughters used to greet me in the hallways and they would say. Mom, I, I think you need to go take a bubble bath. I'm sensing because we feed our energy, feeds their energy. One of the things brain-wise that I go into is this idea of mirror neurons. And our brain, God, just, this is what's just blows me away that he put in the ability for our brains to [00:34:00] connect with another brain through these mirror neurons.

And that's how empathy, that's why when you yawn, I yawn. And I noticed it the other day. I was laughing so hard as I looked over and there was a person in the car next to me yawned, and then I yawned and I was like, oh my goodness. It even goes through cars. We all , but that our brains 24 7 are begging and looking for connection.

That's how God created us, so that's why he put. A partner for Adam in the garden, he had to have connection. . That partnership and that connection that is so needed, the children would, it's called co-regulation when they feed off of our energy. And that's the modeling, that's part of what goes into the emotional boundaries piece.

We could keep going to tons of different things.

Dan: I'm, and you mentioned this earlier, you, you talked about play therapy and, you know, and this is something that you're trained in as well, and I'm just kind of just sharing, maybe you can describe this a little bit better, but I'm just thinking of my own, uh, experiences.

I used [00:35:00] to work at a children's hospital. I was a musical therapist. Oh yeah. And I, I'm a, you know, I'd roll in with my little cart full of. You know, toys and these kids would be like, you know, lying in bed there after these surgeries. And their mom, mom and dad would say, oh no. Like, you know, Jimmy's not feeling well enough right now.

She's okay. And then like, these kids, like, looks like he's not even conscious. Like,

no, no, I think I can,, and then he sits up

Dan: and then all of a sudden I give him a triangle then , man. 10 minutes later, we're laughing, we're having a good time. Like he's feeling better. Mom and dad are happy.

That like, and again, it doesn't fix everything but it for that moment, that fun and it breaks through something. And even with I've kind of taught kids with like English overseas and things, so like, and when, when they feel that pressure to learn something, it's, it's, it's, it's weighty, but. When we have fun doing something, it opened up their brain to do something and learn something so much faster.

I mean, there's stats and you could probably quote these that like, we learn things so much more quick and we are having fun. And I'm just wondering if you could expand on that just a little bit as parents, 'cause sometimes we get so serious we've gotta get A, B, and C and we. [00:36:00] Make it fun or we don't have time to play with our kids and we, or you know, and don't, or don't make the time and it's really important.

So I was just wondering if you could speak to that a little bit.

Tricia: Absolutely. So I think we live in a performance based society, it is, we focus on the results, then the efforts and the journey that it takes to get to the result. And when a child comes in, my play therapy room. It may to the kind of general eye look like we're literally just playing Uno, or we're doing sand tray work, or we're playing with modeling clay or the dollhouse, the puppets.

I have a whole playroom full of tools but what I'm doing is allowing their natural language of play to be the therapy so their children are pre prefrontal cortex developed. Because their brain doesn't fully develop till they're about [00:37:00] mid twenties. And so, which is kind of bizarre that our entire schooling and childhood is without our brain fully developed.

So when they come in, I want them to feel a space even for just 50 minutes. It, whether it's a week, every two weeks, a month, whatever it is, that they can feel that their natural language of play is completely welcomed and completely safe whether that it may not look like we're accomplishing a lot, but it is an under a, it's kind of like on us, on a microscopic level of connection that their brain is feeling with my brain in this safe space.

And through that language of play, they will begin to heal and we, there may not even be a lot of words. Talked about. I do do a lot of teaching in my play therapy and I can be very directive, but I can also be, I kind of come from a hybrid [00:38:00] approach where I can be non-directive, where the play and all I'm doing just tracking along with them, especially in trauma recovery.

We, I will not come in and be directive right away. I will come in and just follow and track along with that child, just like you did in the. You didn't come in and start banging on drums. You allowed that child to kinda feel that they are safe with you first and feel the instruments, and you were kind of going along with their tracking, along with their speed of connection.

So a lot of that play therapy is using that natural language, which just, that is how they communicate that that's what they do. So it is hard. I am all for traditional school settings, but there is a big issue sometimes in traditional schools where we get caught in this idea of sitting at a desk and doing math and doing reading and doing these things in such a kind of a, kind of a ritualistic way.

So I am all for an experiential learning process, and that's what play [00:39:00] allows.

Dan: I want my children to achieve, a lot of things, , and, 10 and five. I'm like, wait a second. You should not be watching TV right now. Go, you should not be playing right now. Go back to the books.

Go do this. You know, I maybe sound so sounds like a yeller, but I, I'm not, you're not? No, I really don't. That's not how I really do it. But it just, in my mind, in my mind, maybe I wanna say that, but in my, out of my words, that's, that's not how I say it. But, um, but. It's funny because sometimes I, when they're playing, you know, as moms and dads, we might be frustrated that they're playing, but they're learning because they, because they're actually executing what they've just learned.

Play is like their outlet to in experiment and implement what they've just learned or observed from somebody else.

Tricia: Absolutely. I tell parents all the time, if, if you can. Put your device away yourself. 'cause we're a little bit more addicted to our devices than, than even the kits. So if we can put our device away and sit even for just 10 minutes, it doesn't have to be all day.

It doesn't have to be even an hour, but 10 [00:40:00] minutes of quality time where you are speaking in that place. Play language, which could look a lot of different ways. That could be throwing the football, that could be doing a craft, that could be reading a book with them, that could be drawing whatever it is.

That bond and that connection will immediately communicate to their brains emotional safety, and they will then be able to emotionally regulate on an easier basis,

Dan: on a practical low ultra. Should that be. 10 minutes with each child or can that be a group or what's the best way?

Idealistically probably each with each child ideally,

Tricia: but that may not be practical. If you have six children, if you have that, that might be hard. However, that's the beauty of having. A partner or a grandparent or an aunt or somebody uncle, that you can tag team with. But I would say ideally, I bet if we really worked hard at [00:41:00] our schedules, we could come up with 10 minutes to connect with each child.

Just 10. I mean, great if you have more and great if you even have five, but I. I try to impress upon parents that that quality time, love language does not have to mean a two hour time to the park. It can mean just 10 minutes uninterrupted focus time with them.

Dan: They're just releasing this new book.

Mm-hmm. Beyond Blessed parenting, what is your biggest hope that the reader will take away from this new book you're releasing?

Tricia: I think to have a little bit more grace for themselves as a parent to not be so hard on themselves. I have so many parents and, and I have felt. The pressure of being a parent and doing it the right way.

I would love for a parent when they read this to go, Ugh, thank you. That I don't have to have this all [00:42:00] perfectly done and that I'm gonna make mistakes, and if I can just lean in really to my relationship with the Lord and. Attend to my, my needs and authentically connect within, then I can feel this release to be a parent and have some more joy.

It's hard for me to watch so many parents come in here and to my office and, and they have moments of joy, but they're, they're not enjoying being a parent and, and I would love for more parents to actually enjoy being a parent and find it as a gift. So, so being a little grace filled for themselves. We call, we talk about grace filled parenting.

Well, let's grace to ourselves. That's, yes. That's the forgiveness part.

Dan: So true. I wanna circle here just a little bit. We've been, we've been. Diving deep here. I wanna come back up a little bit with a, a couple of fun questions as we mm-hmm. as we mm-hmm. As we wrap up, Tricia. Alright. Are you ready? Ready for the fun round here?

Tricia: Yeah. [00:43:00] Ready? All

Dan: right. Here we go. Tricia, what one parenting fail that made you laugh later?

Tricia: Oh, well, what came, oh, the one I came up with is not, is so serious. I'll try to make my notes. Oh gosh, I don't really have a good one. Um, I, I have so many fails that were probably more bigger than fun. I would say I can't come up with something specific right off the top of my head.

I'm clearly not good at this like last minute thing, but I would say if I had to, it would be when I tried to be the cool parent. And I tried to be funny and tried to kind of fit in a little too much and it, it, it, it backfired probably. I mean, I don't have anything really specific, but I can just remember several times my parents, my, my parents, my kids.

That's a good for the insulin. My kids going. What mom? What? Really? So oh, you know what? I know I did think of one. Okay. This is funny. So I remember the eclipse here. You remember when the eclipse occurred in, in, in America? I don't know when that was and. And so then you had the song about the [00:44:00] eclipse and whatever that song was that everybody played for those first, those two days.

And I remember going into school thinking I was so cool that I was gonna roll down the windows. It'd be really funny. It, it, it did backfire. It wasn't very funny for the kids. They didn't think it was really cute that I was screaming at the top of my lungs about the clip. So I do remember that,

Dan: She's got the next one.

Amanda: Right. What's your favorite parenting related bible story?

Tricia: Hmm, that's a good one.

Oh, prodigal son. Wow. Probably comes up the most. I wrote, I wrote about that, parable and the Rembrandt painting of the Prodigal son in my first book, blessing From Fear. That holds really deep to my heart. But I would say the way that. He, the father of the prodigal son was able to put aside all of his anger and own hurt and embrace his son with [00:45:00] com.

That, to me, was the epitome of authentic connection. Wow. That, that to me would be. The ideal parenting story that, that you're able, even when your child hurts your feelings and we do get hurt, we are not made to steal even when our child yells at us that we can still somehow connect within them, connect with God, and then really be able to embrace them.

That would, that to me is beautiful.

Dan: All right. We all at moms and dads. Let's just be honest. There's that one toy that our kids have that just drove us nuts. What's that one toy for you that your kids had, but secretly it just drove you back? That, okay, so

Tricia: I dunno if this counts. It's not a toy, but it's a show.

Can I do a show instead? Yeah. The cartoon with Cayo. See, it's older now, so I don't even know it's on there still. But Cayo had the most whiny voice. All he did was [00:46:00] whine. And my kids loved it. I remember hearing the Cayo voice thinking, oh my gosh, turn that off. Like all he's doing is whining. So that would be the show.

And I would say any toy that made a loud noise that I didn't have an on off button, I probably would want to take the batteries out and I know I did take the batteries out. Oh, I just dunno why this's not working anymore. I dunno why not? How it stopped working. That's so weird. It just was working three minutes ago, so I'm sure we've all done that.

And I have probably taken the batteries out of many toys. In fact, in play therapy training, it's really rare that we have a toy that makes a lot of noise in our playroom. I don't have very many electronic toys in there, so,

Dan: No. Toys with batteries inside our car is pretty much my

Tricia: goodness gracious.

.

Dan: All right. And one more parenting here. Question. What's the funniest thing that you can remember that your child ever prayed? Oh, God.

Tricia: I think it [00:47:00] was probably

I just remember this, this is funny. I, I don't remember who it was, but. I don't remember. I think it was my oldest. She came home and I remember coming home from school and she said she was little and she was like, oh mama. You know, we've gotta really pray today. And she was really serious.

And I said, oh, sweet girl, what are, tell me what's going on? She said, we've gotta pray for, I don't know the Bunny's name, but Flopsy or something. And I said, oh, you know, I was expecting this massive like major thing. And and her little friend Susie Q over here in Class Bunny.

Had to go the vet. And I just remember just the sweetness. I mean, just that innocence, that, I, we had to draw a picture of flopsy or whatever the Bunny's name was. We had to write a note, we had to bake cookies and it was just whole big thing and I just remember thinking. That's, to me the beauty of a child innocence there.

I mean, that is just [00:48:00] sweet, sweet. And I do remember trying to te turn it into a parenting teaching moment. You know, God cares about flopsy and we're gonna pray for flopsy. And I kept thinking, please, flopsy be okay, please. But I would say probably something that related to, praying for another's pet.

That was so cute to me. That was so sweet. So, yeah. Yeah.

Dan: Well, the book is Beyond Blessed Parenting. Tricia, how can our listeners, where can they get this book and how can they connect with you?

Tricia: Absolutely. They can go to my website and follow me on social media at Tricia Thornton therapy, they can also buy the book anywhere books are sold, including Amazon and my website.

Dan: Listeners will have those in the show notes for you, Tricia. What an honor to have you on the show. Thank you so much for sharing such wisdom going so deep and just blessing our, our listeners with, with just all the wisdom that you have and, and, uh, we just are excited for this book to just impact lots of parents and just the freedom that it's gonna bring to so many so many readers of just.

Again, taking care of [00:49:00] yourself so you can better take care of others. So thank you for speaking that through. Thank you for being faithful to, to the, the mission that God has, uh, put, for you. And so, and thank you for all the

Tricia: work you're doing to spread God's word too. So thank you so much. Amen.

Thank you.

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