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[00:00:17] The Missional Life - Dan: Welcome back to Mission Light Podcast. Today we're honored to have Dr. Mike Bechtel with us. Dr. Bechtel is a renowned communication expert. Speaker and the author of 10 powerful books, including his latest, how to Read a Room, navigate Any Situation, lead With Confidence, and Create an Impact At Work.

[00:00:35] The Missional Life - Dan: With over three decades of experience, he has helped countless individuals develop confidence, build authentic connections, and navigate social and professional environments with wisdom. His work has been featured and focused on the family and entrepreneur and his insights are invaluable for anyone looking to lead and serve more effectively.

[00:00:51] The Missional Life - Dan: Dr. Beckel, welcome to the show.

[00:00:54] The Missional Life - Amanda: Welcome.

[00:00:55] The Missional Life - Dan: Well, thanks. It's a privilege. Awesome. Hey, let's dive right in. Tell us about your new book, how to Read a Room, and what inspired you to Write? I. The book?

[00:01:07] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Well, it basically comes outta my whole life of being more on the introverted side because I have always had a quieter temper temp temperament.

[00:01:16] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I've never been shy, but it's what we would call a social introvert. I'm a noisy introvert where it's where your energy comes from. About 40% of the population tends to be introverted. About 40% tends to be extroverted, and then you got a little chunk in the middle called ambiverts that can go kind of both directions.

[00:01:38] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I've been more on the quiet side. It started when I was growing up and kept hearing sermons about sharing your faith. About evangelism, that God wants you to be bold and forceful and outgoing. And I always remember thinking, that's not how he created me. Well, that didn't seem fair. If he wanted me to do that, why didn't he make me noisier?

[00:02:02] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Why didn't he make me more outgoing? And I felt like I, I felt like a turtle that was being taught how to, how to move around by eagles. Because those would be the extroverts, the ones doing the seminars on how to share your faith, on how to do evangelism. The ones writing the books, everything that that came out at that time, it seemed to be put out there by the extroverts.

[00:02:27] Dr. Mike Bechtle: It's like, this is how you do it. This works for us, it's gonna work for you. And I thought, well, there's gotta be something different. Because if God created me with a certain temperament, with a unique personality with unique skills that come with being an introvert, just as there's unique skills with being an extrovert, I thought, why didn't he make me noisier if I was supposed to do it that way?

[00:02:52] Dr. Mike Bechtle: So I began a journey to discover biblically what it should look like. I found that there was a whole different approach that an introvert was created that way because they can do things. Differently, not better, but differently than extroverts. And God uses everybody to do it. So that was kind of the background.

[00:03:14] Dr. Mike Bechtle: All of my books have a little bit of that introvert flavor to it, and when I think about introverts and extroverts, normally we think about 'em being really loud or. More quiet, but it had to do with this book, with going into conferences and going into meetings and going into social situations, and I was always I had to work up to going into the room.

[00:03:41] Dr. Mike Bechtle: It's like there was, you go in because you have a conversation and typically an introvert will think of the perfect response about 10 minutes after the person has left the conversation. And so to be able to know what to say. And just what are they thinking of me and how am I coming across and do people know that I'm unsettled?

[00:04:02] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I feel like the only person in the room that's not comfortable, so they must all be doing fine. And I realize probably about 40% of them are pretending to be fine. And there's that struggle of when you go in, how do you connect, just what do you do to get comfortable in that kind of a setting. So I began a journey to explore what that looks like, and I found that that part of it is not hard.

[00:04:29] Dr. Mike Bechtle: You really can't, anybody, an introvert, there's a process and I, I put together an outline that you can learn in a room how to become comfortable and really be okay by being a hundred percent who you are. Not trying to act like something you're not, but to use that introversion. And then it came to the second part.

[00:04:53] Dr. Mike Bechtle: It's like, well, that's not hard to learn. There's books out there on how to, how to get comfortable in a room. But then what, it almost felt a little bit narcissistic. It's like, well, it's all about me then if my goal is to become comfortable. What if God wants to use that comfortableness to impact other people?

[00:05:13] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And so that's the second part of it, is to go into a room, get comfortable so that I have a base that I can reach out and actually make a difference in that room and people can be better because I was there. So it's, it's basically not just reading the room, but it's for the purpose of serving the room.

[00:05:32] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And that's kind of the background of what brought me to put that book together. So. Wow.

[00:05:40] The Missional Life - Dan: It's so important that people be who God created them to be. And it's such an empowering book and empowering topic because there's so many extroverts out there talking and then the other 40% are, are listening.

[00:05:54] The Missional Life - Dan: And God has created all of us with these unique gifts, , we have so many things to share. But it's really just getting the opportunity to giving the opportunity to the extroverts. And sometimes we actually find that I'm a little bit more of the extrovert. Amanda's a little bit more of the introvert.

[00:06:08] The Missional Life - Dan: But it's funny, when our families get together, they know that when ama, when Dan's talking, it's, oh, he's probably got something to share. But like, when Amanda talks, wow, like, listen up. That's, that's, that's really important. And so. It's really interesting your perspective on going into a room because when you go in, you're reading the room, but I love how you take it even further.

[00:06:28] The Missional Life - Dan: How can, how can I serve the room? How can people be better after they encounter me and after I share what God puts on my heart? So you talk about mindset when you're reading a room. And so how do the Christ Center mindset help us engage more effectively with others when we enter and go into a room?

[00:06:46] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I think the idea of mindset is understanding that God made us the way that he did so that he could use us the way he made us. And I think for even for a long time when I realized, all right, God created me this way. I think myself and other introverts, we've always kind of felt like, okay, God can use us, but we're second string.

[00:07:08] Dr. Mike Bechtle: We're not, we're not the key players because God U doesn't, he uses this differently. And it went back, I, I'll tell you a story that kind of tied it together for me back in that day that related to evangelism where I was, I was in grad, grad school. I was in seminary. And I was working, doing writing for a Christian publisher.

[00:07:34] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And it was a publisher that did Sunday school curriculum. Now, this was back in the day where Sunday School primarily was something that everybody had a Sunday school manual. And there was a learner's manual and a teacher's manual. And so every student would have, and this was high school, okay? So everybody would have, have their high schoolers would have their manual and they'd go home, they'd fill it out, they'd come back, and then they'd have the lesson.

[00:08:00] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And so the teacher's manual, they would teach people and they would help equip the teachers to teach that lesson. It was dated curriculum, which means back in those days, everybody had. The same lesson on the same day. And this was about the largest Christian publisher of Sunday school material in the world at the time.

[00:08:23] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And I got to do the high school lessons once a quarter. They wanted to do the plan of salvation. They wanted the teacher to be able to present the gospel. And so I always got to do those lessons. I remember one time thinking, okay, I'm just writing. I'm not doing anything. But then I was this publisher, at that time, there were probably 50,000 churches that were using this curriculum at that time.

[00:08:51] Dr. Mike Bechtle: The average Sunday school attendance for a high school group would be about 10. I mean, obviously you had bigger ones, you had smaller ones, but it's about 10 students in 50,000 churches. So that. Means that one Sunday morning I woke up and I knew it was the day that my lesson was gonna be taught in those 50,000 churches to 500,000, a half a million high schoolers.

[00:09:17] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Were gonna hear the gospel. Because of what I sat in my, at my desk and wrote and I equipped the teachers and their guide, how to do it, how to position it, how to pray ahead of time through it, what kind of answers to give when questions came up. And so I realized that, okay, because of what I did, I didn't out loud share the gospel, but I equipped 500,000 other.

[00:09:44] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Opportunities that day. It would take me a long time to share the gospel with half a million people, but I, they then I thought, well, how many people will come to Christ? Let's make it one out of a thousand. And so if you had one out of a thousand and you've got 500,000 people, I don't know what that comes to with, it's either 500 or 5,000, but let's make it 500.

[00:10:05] Dr. Mike Bechtle: If five, if one 10th of 1% actually comes to Christ, one out of a thousand. Or even one out of 2000 at the end of that day, because of what I did as an introvert, using my skills of writing and putting things together and equipping 500 people come to Christ, I thought, okay, but it still didn't feel right. I wasn't really doing evangelism, but that's when I started realizing, okay, God equips certain people to be the ones that physically talk to somebody and do those kind of things.

[00:10:42] Dr. Mike Bechtle: But there's another way to do it if you are an introvert, if there's a different temperament that he's put together. So when I realized that I understood that God has a real a real mission for what happens with introverts and how he wants to use them. So I started doing my writing and things with that in mind.

[00:11:01] Dr. Mike Bechtle: How to equip people a little bit more on the introverted side to actually. Feel the confidence that God is using 'em just the way they are. So you walk into a room, the best sweet spot you've got is being a hundred percent who God made you. If I pretend to be more in extroverted and be just out there, I'm not gonna have an impact in that room 'cause I'm faking it.

[00:11:26] Dr. Mike Bechtle: If I can be completely myself, introverts tend to think deeply. Extroverts tend to think quickly. And so that's why I can have a, they come up with quick answers, but it takes me a while to come up with an answer, a response. But when I do, it's gonna have some depth to it. And so those two together is a perfect team to be able to make some things happen.

[00:11:53] Dr. Mike Bechtle: So those are the kind of things that got me into that, recognizing that, that there's. There's real power in being who God created you to be. Finding it out. And it's not just introvert versus extrovert. It's me as a person. It's you guys individually, how he, he created you to do something that nobody else will have.

[00:12:18] Dr. Mike Bechtle: The exact combination of things to do, what you can do to the degree that you try and copy somebody else and not be yourself you're robbing. World of what only you can bring. And that's the, that's the richest, I think, of the kingdom. You know, the, the parts of the body that there's a, there's eyes, there's ears, there's toenails.

[00:12:41] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Nobody wants to be a toenail, but there's a purpose that you're real glad you got it when you need it. So those are the kind of things that have led to that idea of having a mindset of understanding. God created us with a really unique purpose individually. And so if I can go on a journey, on a mission to find out what does God wanna do with that?

[00:13:06] Dr. Mike Bechtle: How does he want to use me? So I need that mindset of confidence saying I'm not second class, I'm not, you know, I, I need to get past being uncomfortable. I. In all of these different situations, I enter and that part's not hard. It really isn't. And then if I can get comfortable, but what do I do next? And that's where God can use everything that he's put into us to be able to do that.

[00:13:30] Hmm.

[00:13:33] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Wow.

[00:13:34] The Missional Life - Dan: Powerful. I was reading a statistic as we were researching for this, and one of the stats that we came across that 85% of career success is attributed to soft skills like communication. But most people don't ever spend the time to really develop those skills.

[00:13:48] The Missional Life - Dan: But when when you're communicating. From from that authentic self and from that purpose filled self of who God actually created you to be. When, you have that faith, it actually results in a higher confidence, a higher resilience. And so I think that's really amazing because you an admitted introvert use those skills and you might not have wanted to be in front of 500,000 people.

[00:14:15] The Missional Life - Dan: You use what God gave you to truly affect and impact 500,000 people and to your math let's just say 250 to 500 people making a decision for Christ that's more effective than, than most people in sharing the gospel. So that's just amazing how when we use the gifts and the gifts, the talents, the, the skill sets that God has developed in us, .

[00:14:37] The Missional Life - Dan: It's a multiplication effect. And that's really what the kingdom is about. It's not necessarily about addition, it's about multiplication. And God wants to multiply things, not necessarily just add things in us and through us. And so I'm just curious, as you were sharing about introverts and extroverts, is your book more geared towards introverts who may struggle with confidence or can extroverts.

[00:14:56] The Missional Life - Dan: Benefit just as much.

[00:14:59] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I think it can be both ways. I probably leans more towards the introverts. They're the ones that are gonna feel the need and want to pick it up and that's why I've seen other books that, that deal with it and they stop at the point of being comfortable. So this is the only one I know of that goes beyond it 'cause I couldn't find it anywhere.

[00:15:18] Dr. Mike Bechtle: But extroverts introverts tend to go in and wonder how they're coming across. But they're not reading the needs of the room. They're not going in on with a, with a mission of, okay, who can I connect with? What's going on in their lives? How do I find out? And they have real relationships. Most introverts walk into a room and like a social event, and they're thinking, okay, who are the two people?

[00:15:45] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Where, who, who's somebody in this room that I can talk to for 45 minutes? And have an in-depth conversation. Go to the bathroom, come back, find somebody else, do it again, and then go home. I've got two people that I have had a deep conversation. I've impacted them, they've impacted me, and we did life together for a little bit.

[00:16:04] Dr. Mike Bechtle: An extrovert walks into a room thinking, okay, how long's it gonna take me to meet everybody in the room to, to be able to have that, those kind of conversations and they can do it with intention. I. But not always does that happen. A lot of times it's like I'm comfortable, I just like talking. So I can go in and have conversations, but they're not thinking, how do I make a difference?

[00:16:26] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Mm-hmm. And so reading the room for them changes the dynamic. It's like, okay, I have the skills to talk to anybody, so how do I go in and read the room as a whole to read what's happening with individuals so that I can use this skill, this giftedness. To impact people and have real conversations. One of the biggest things people have told me that they learn as an extrovert that they hadn't thought of is to focus heavily on the listening side because it's so natural for them to be able to share and talk and communicate that way.

[00:17:07] Dr. Mike Bechtle: But people are starved to be listened to. And you know,

[00:17:11] I think

[00:17:11] Dr. Mike Bechtle: we've all done that where you have a conversation with somebody. And you do all the listening. They do all the talking, and then they go home and tell their spouse, what a great conversational as you were. Well, you just, you didn't do anything.

[00:17:23] Dr. Mike Bechtle: You just listened. But they were heard. They, they were able to share. They, they had someone that showed in, someone that showed interest in them, and it made a huge difference for them. It, it goes back to the casual words that. That happened. We've all been in situations where you are, nobody knows 'cause you don't show it, but you are really down about something and just going through a really rough time, somebody makes one little casual comment.

[00:17:54] Dr. Mike Bechtle: They think it's casual and just said something encouraging and it changed everything for you. It pulled you back. So it gave you that grace to be able to, to handle what's going on. At the same time we've had. Those situations where we're doing okay and somebody makes say a little snarky or sarcastic remark just in jest, but it's the timing.

[00:18:19] Dr. Mike Bechtle: They didn't know that it hit us at just the wrong time, and it draw, it pulls us down. So those casual words for introverts and extroverts, just to recognize. The power gets in words, which I think it's Ephesians 4 29. You can correct me, but it's the one that says don't let any unwholesome words come out of your mouth, but only words that are meant for edification, words that can build up another person so that it can give grace.

[00:18:49] Dr. Mike Bechtle: In the moment, according to the need of the moment. And I think of the, the two absolutes there. It says, let no unwholesome words, any, it says, so be vigilant about not letting unwholesome words come out at the same time. It says, but only. So that means A, any words we say. Should be with the intention of building somebody up.

[00:19:14] Dr. Mike Bechtle: So to work on our patterns. I think extroverts have told me sometimes they have more of an issue with that 'cause they're so used to just talking. But to be more intentional to make sure is what I'm saying. I don't know what they're going through. Is this going, could this bring them down if they're having a rough time, is there some little thing I'm thinking that I appreciate about 'em that I could say I.

[00:19:37] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And it would make a difference for 'em in the moment. And says, let no unwholesome words come out. I also think it's interesting, it doesn't say, don't have those unwholesome thoughts. You're gonna have some bad thoughts sometimes, but it says don't let those out. It just is. Keep it to yourself, right?

[00:19:55] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Which is a little different slant on that. So I think with the, the extroverts and the introverts, it really comes down to why are we. Why do we have conversations with anybody? I don't want to go at every conversation thinking, okay, I need to make this a, a, a, a missional moment where I'm investing in somebody.

[00:20:17] Dr. Mike Bechtle: It's like, no, just have real conversations with real curiosity and just care about that person. The curiosity helps us do that, care about him deeply, have real relationships. And then God can do what he's gonna do through that we might not even know. And that's why I think I've got a friend, his who was with the navigators.

[00:20:39] Dr. Mike Bechtle: He said his definition of evangelism is to just love people and talk.

[00:20:43] Hmm.

[00:20:43] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And so introvert extrovert, to be intentional, knowing the power that our words are gonna have in any situation.

[00:20:53] The Missional Life - Amanda: Yeah. That's so good. And I personally love this topic as an introvert. I have enjoyed listening to both of you talking for the last several minutes now, and I really appreciate what you said about people are starved to be listened to because with as much as we're connected electronically.

[00:21:16] The Missional Life - Amanda: Just living in such a fast-paced world these days, a lot of people are not getting that deep conversation that used to almost when people, you know, I think about my grandparents, their friends would just stop by at any given time during the day and it didn't matter. And now we have to plan people coming over.

[00:21:36] The Missional Life - Amanda: We text, we make sure our schedule fits everything and that connection is not always there. And I also. Just wanna go back to, I read a book several years ago actually about this topic called Quiet, the Power of an in of Introverts in a world that Cannot Stop talking. And what I gathered from that book was that actually there was a major cultural shift that happened in 19 hundreds that I think, you know.

[00:22:06] The Missional Life - Amanda: You can almost see it in Filtrating the way that people, believers thought too, that we have to like sell Christianity. We have to become good salespeople as evangelists. Because, you know, Dale Carnegie wrote the book, how to Win Other People Over, and I forget the title of that book, but. It really shifted the thinking of focusing more on personality versus character.

[00:22:29] The Missional Life - Amanda: And I love what you said about the biblical basis of, , there's stuff that we can each learn, whereas introverts, , we tend to think, oh, , how am I being perceived? You know, flipping that and saying, how can I use my deep thinking to perceive the room and really listen and serve others and for extroverts.

[00:22:49] The Missional Life - Amanda: , how can I encourage people and learn to listen more, but also use my gift of talking to maybe get people to open up? So it, it cuts both ways where those gifts are so powerful when they're harnessed in a biblical context of how God intended us to operate. As you said, so well being who we are in any given situation.

[00:23:11] The Missional Life - Amanda: So could you share with our listeners an example of. When you walk into a room, , could you walk us through a scenario of this process of what your book talks about?

[00:23:24] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Probably the biggest thing is that the first thing most people do is they go in and they say, okay, let's begin a conversation with somebody.

[00:23:33] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And I'm looking for their, the person that looks safe and somebody else is looking for something else. Or if it's a group, sometimes I'll try to join the group, but it's like I, I need to go in and start conversing. And I have learned that that's the second step. Mm-hmm. That if we overlook the first step, we're really gonna struggle with that one.

[00:23:53] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And if we if we do the first step, the second step suddenly becomes easy. The first step is observing, taking the time to just watch, and it doesn't have to take a long time. But I wanna picture myself. Sometimes I'll do it outside the room when I watch people go in, like let's say it's a, some kind of a social event and there's food and maybe a conference some, A lot of times there'll be a conference where there's speakers and stuff like that, and so you go in and have to make small talk or whatever, but I'll stay outside the room and just watch people for a while, watch people come in.

[00:24:28] Dr. Mike Bechtle: It's amazing how many times I'll see somebody come in, they're coming down the hallway, maybe it's in a hotel, and they're. They either look worried or they're kind of frowning, but. It doesn't look like they're excited about going in. And then they grab the door handle and just before they open the door, they take a breath and a big smile comes on their face.

[00:24:50] Dr. Mike Bechtle: It's like, okay, I'm ready. Let's do it. And they go in and they. They try to act like the life of the party. I thought, okay, so you can see they're not comfortable. And then they go in. And then just to be able to watch what's going on in the room. Who's standing, who's sitting, who looks comfortable, who, who doesn't, who's talking, who's back on one side and they're on their phone.

[00:25:15] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Probably not because they want to be, but it's like it's, they feel uncomfortable making some contacts with other people and just to observe. The dynamics of what's happening. Sometimes if it's a large group of people, you know, you'll be walking through and there'll be a smaller group of people, you know, and they'll say, Hey, come on over, and I don't wanna do it yet.

[00:25:37] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I don't wanna get caught until I've just kind of got my bearing. So I feel like, all right, I'm checking this out. It slows me down. So that I don't immediately get caught up in the dynamics of the conversation, just get a sense of what's happening. It's like when you walk into your kitchen and there's cookie crumbs all over the floor in a broken cookie jar and three little humans pointing at each other.

[00:26:02] Dr. Mike Bechtle: It's like you observe. And you haven't said anything yet, but you're picking up the cues of what's going on in a job interview to go in and instead of thinking of the conversation, walk in the building, look at what's, what it's like, what would be like, what would it be like to work in a place like that?

[00:26:22] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Do people look like they enjoy working there? What's the, does it feel like a, a harsh environment? Does it look like an efficient one? Does it look like people. Want to work there, listen to how they talk, just to observe and those kind of things. Somebody waves me over, I'll say, I'll, I'll be back in a, in just a few minutes.

[00:26:42] Dr. Mike Bechtle: So I just say Hi, and they accept that and I just keep walking. I try and stay in motion and so I'm doing things to see what's going on, just to pick up a set it, it's amazing. What it does for you to just take time to look a little bit. I can do it in a minute or two and pick up enough to be able to start engaging.

[00:27:03] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I just don't want to jump into one conversation and then I don't know what else is happening. And then when I began actually. Conversing and connecting. I feel so much more free, more comfortable in those conversations. 'cause I've, I'm seeing it in the context of everything that's going on. So as far as starting it's little stuff like that and I didn't think it would make that much of a difference, but taking the time to catch my breath and kinda get my bearings and say, okay, here's what's going on.

[00:27:34] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Remind myself, then here's, here's my role here. Here's where I fit in. And then I just go and relax and have conversations. I'm not nearly thinking about myself as much as I did because I'm thinking about other people. I've changed the focus the way it needs to be to make it work. So,

[00:27:52] The Missional Life - Dan: wow, that's so important.

[00:27:53] The Missional Life - Dan: I think that's such a practical tool that you're, you're helping everyone when they're getting ready to go into a room. It's like. Most people walk in the room and , they freeze, but instead we can reframe that and call it a strategic pause. We're taking a strategic pause and reading the room.

[00:28:09] The Missional Life - Dan: Room. That's good. And so when somebody asks you and you have these big eyes and you're looking and you're entering the room and you say, I'm, I'm just taking a strategic pause here, I'm, I'm beginning to read the room and, and you know, quite honestly, jokes aside, it's so important because studies say 90% of our communication is nonverbal.

[00:28:25] The Missional Life - Dan: I. So getting a sense and feeling that pulse, you know, so to speak, of what's going on in the room, who is doing what in the room is really, really important. It's strategic, it's effective, and it's it's something we should all be doing more of. Mm-hmm. But one of the things you talk about when you are mentioning reading a room, you bring up tunnel vision.

[00:28:48] The Missional Life - Dan: And so what does that mean and how can we develop a broader awareness?

[00:28:54] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I think our, our brains are wired to protect us from threats and you walk into the room and usually the first thing we notice, we put our energy on that. It could be the most exciting thing that's going on. It could be the person that we're most uncertain of our relationship with, and to be able to go in there.

[00:29:14] Dr. Mike Bechtle: We focus on that and then that's all we see. So if I see somebody that maybe I've had some tough conversations with in the past, or maybe I'm intimidated by their style or something else, it's real easy to get caught on that and say, okay, how do I negotiate? How do I navigate this? And I forget there's a lot of other things happening in the room.

[00:29:36] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And so I wanna get that big picture to be able to, to gain that confidence that I need in that room. I'm, I am, if I'm confident, I'm looking for a way to make some things happen, and so tunnel vision. Catches, whatever catches my eye first. Is it something really positive? Is it something that's threatening or whatever?

[00:29:57] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I need to acknowledge that, say that is part of the picture, but what else is happening? So it kind of goes back into that observation. See who's there, see what's happening. That's not the only issue in the room. And it keeps me from getting intimidated by a person or something else. If I can realize, okay, that's who they are.

[00:30:16] Dr. Mike Bechtle: We've had this in the past, but I've also had this person in this relationship. And to open myself up to just the different things that could be going on in the room, and I don't have to have every conversation. I can be selective. I've also learned that if I. I see somebody sitting, standing at like, over by the food table or something, or they're, they're by themselves and they look uncomfortable, or maybe they're looking at their phone.

[00:30:43] Dr. Mike Bechtle: It's like, okay, they are not inviting in their personality. Look, not, they don't look like somebody that wants me to come talk to them. And I think, okay, I, I'll just wait for people to come to me. Well, that's probably what they're doing. So if I take the initiative to go over. And start a conversation. Just say something about the food or about the event, or one little comment.

[00:31:08] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Or sometimes I'll go over and say yeah, this is a, this is a safe place to start this whole thing, right? Because if you know that they're a little quieter, you probably just made their whole day because they're looking for the two people they're gonna talk to. And you're looking for the two people you're gonna talk to.

[00:31:24] Dr. Mike Bechtle: If you go first, you get to pick who it is and you've just rescued them. You've just take become the person that they can talk to safely for the next 45 minutes, and you've got something in common with that. So it's a matter of just really that observation again.

[00:31:39] The Missional Life - Amanda: Hmm.

[00:31:39] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Awesome. Wow. You

[00:31:40] The Missional Life - Amanda: know, and you said something just a couple minutes back about, , after observing the room, , you moved from that on to, okay, now I know my role, my purpose in this place.

[00:31:52] The Missional Life - Amanda: And then you act from that purpose. So how can we shift from insecurity to being confident in who God has called us to be? So that way when we step into a room. We feel we already have that purpose and belonging versus trying to attain it when we're in the room.

[00:32:10] Dr. Mike Bechtle: If I can learn the process, if I can learn how to do it, which is to observe first.

[00:32:15] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And then engage with people, begin the conversation and we talk a lot about how do you have that conversation. And then that leads you to a strategy of how you're going to approach a room after that, and then you carry out that strategy. If I, if I know that process, and I've done it a couple times.

[00:32:36] Dr. Mike Bechtle: You get confident pretty quickly. Mm-hmm. But a lot of it comes from those first conversations when you begin talking, it's not, usually it's, I'll say something, I'll try to say something witty or clever, and somebody else says something back and then you say something and they say something. But we're talking to each other.

[00:32:54] Dr. Mike Bechtle: We're not listening. And I think probably of everything in this whole thing, the thing that makes the biggest difference is when I'm having that conversation, someone says something to me. Instead of thinking of something I can say back, I simply ask some version of the question, tell me more. Mm-hmm.

[00:33:14] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Because that means what they said. Was important enough to you that you wanna know more about it now? I mean, you have to be honest, but that's where curiosity comes in. But if I say, tell me more, then you feel heard. You feel connected because someone actually is interested instead of just throwing things back at you.

[00:33:35] Dr. Mike Bechtle: So they'll tell you a little bit more. And then based on that question you think of something else. Because they say, okay, so you said you, you said you grew up in the south. What part of the south? And they tell you says, really, where? How long were you there? And then they say, well, I was in the military and my family was military.

[00:33:54] Dr. Mike Bechtle: So we moved around. What other places have you lived? And if they list six places they were stationed, then their parents were stationed then you could. I probably have one of 'em that you lived in, or you, you look for those common grounds, but for an introvert especially, making conversation is one of the easiest things for them to do if they just learn how to ask those kind of questions just to explore.

[00:34:19] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Mm-hmm. Go a little bit deeper. Tell me more what happened then? And everybody knows, everybody has a story. And I can't think of too many times when people have explored and just in conversation ask me in depth about my story. But if they're really interested, it feels so good when they do. So if I can do that for somebody else, I just gave 'em a gift.

[00:34:42] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I gave them grace. And they have the ability to share what's important to them that nobody else has has done. So that's why I think people are starved to be listened to because we've been trained to talk. But the power of it all is when somebody listens deeply. It's like, boy, you'll, you'll, they're your best.

[00:35:05] Dr. Mike Bechtle: They're gonna be your BF, F for the rest of the week if they, if they do that. So.

[00:35:12] The Missional Life - Dan: You brought up a really interesting point about being interested and being really authentic with people. Being real with people. And I'm just wondering in those kind of environments where it's more of a professional environment, how do we balance being authentic with that professionalism, especially as Christians?

[00:35:32] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I don't know that I separate 'em too much because if I am genuinely, I. Curious. And if I actually care about people, then I'm approaching, before I say a word, I'm thinking this is somebody that I really want to know their story. I want to know them. I wanna know their heart. Now you people make small talk to get started and there's nothing wrong with small talk, but I want it to lead to big talk and it has very little to do with I what I want to say.

[00:36:05] Dr. Mike Bechtle: So I can go into a professional setting and if I start just asking questions about the things we have in common, that's, that's, that's the overlap. They have their story, my story, and then where they come together. That's the common ground. That's great place to start. We're in the same company, we're in the same ministry, we're in the same church, same whatever the situation is.

[00:36:27] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And begin asking 'em about that, and then look for those things that they respond with that you can go a little deeper. Tell me more about that. And just see where they go. In a professional setting, I don't think there's anything wrong with that because you're not asking a bunch of personal questions.

[00:36:46] Dr. Mike Bechtle: They just said something and you say, tell me more. Based on that, you ask another version of, well, tell me more about that. And you're just listening, letting them set the agenda. They'll set the pace or the tone for how personal it gets, and it's not inappropriate if they're setting the pace for it. We're real people and if we're in a business setting, business contact, you can be very professional, but at the same time these are humans we're working with and there's nothing.

[00:37:21] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Stronger than in an environment where everything is professional and nobody will talk about family or kids or spouse or anything because no, that's, we can't go there. It's like, well, if, if I just take something you said and say, well, tell me more about that. If you go there, that's okay. You set you, you, you gave me permission, and so I just pay attention.

[00:37:49] Dr. Mike Bechtle: To the reality of that, I, I, the thing I carry with me every place is I wanna be curious and I want to care about people. If I take that into any kind of relationship it doesn't matter if it's professional or not. I don't, I don't find much problem finding the balance about just carrying the people you're caring about, the people you're around, and the curiosity part.

[00:38:12] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I saw a little book that my dad had. Years and year back in the fifties, he went to a sales something and they gave me these little booklets of different topics and one of them, the booklet was called How to Get a College Education Every Six Months. And the whole, the whole premise of the book is that every person you talk to knows something you don't.

[00:38:34] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And if you make it your goal to explore and find out what they know, you probably learn more than you would in six, in six months of doing that than you would. In a whole college career, which means the two of you have been doing this for the last four or five years, you're probably the smartest people on the planet because you've had multiple college educations listening to and finding out what people know that you can absorb.

[00:38:59] The Missional Life - Dan: Hmm. I feel a little bit better after that. Ooh,

[00:39:05] good.

[00:39:08] The Missional Life - Dan: So with that . In your book what do you mean about the starness to greatness and going down not up. Can you share a little bit more about that and what does that mean?

[00:39:20] Dr. Mike Bechtle: It's it's basically just the biblical concept of humility. That if you wanna be great you be the least of all. It's the, the, the passage that talks about, you know, don't go up to the front of the room because you might be embarrassed when somebody says, nah. Your place is back here. Said, even if you're a person of stature, go to the back of the room and let somebody call you up.

[00:39:46] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I had, it happened to me once, a friend of mine was a police chief and he went to his, he invited me to his retirement. Thing. And it was a big event and somebody in his family said, oh, come, come sit right up here with the, with us. And somebody else came along and said, I'm sorry, this is the family. Is this reserved for the family?

[00:40:04] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And the only seat left, we had to get up and go all the way to the back. And I think having the mindset that says when you're not you, you're not climbing. So you can see yourself better. You're reaching down to pull other people up.

[00:40:18] Mm-hmm.

[00:40:19] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And. That's where going into relationships with the mindset of service, like what does it mean to to really be great in the kingdom of God?

[00:40:30] Dr. Mike Bechtle: It's serving other people. It's representing God will, it's which in a practical sense, what does that look like? It looks like deep listening. It looks like genuine humility. Not, you know, humility doesn't mean you think less of yourself than you actually are. It's, see, it's seeing yourself accurately, which all this stuff we've been talking about, how God created us, that's humility is to, to know this is who God made me.

[00:40:58] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I'm not less or more, it's like, it's, it's accurate consistent curiosity, authentic gratitude intentional. Mindset of growth. I want, I wanna grow empathy for other people. Just really identifying with their emotion, who they are. Having a clear vision is part of greatness, what God has called us to having character, I'll call it competent character.

[00:41:27] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Because those are the two things that really make a leader is competence and character. And if you're ha, if you have character without competence, you got a really nice person that you don't trust to be able to get the job done or to, to, to help you. If you have someone who's competent but they don't have character, you know, they're skilled but you don't trust them.

[00:41:49] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Because 'cause of that competence and character are probably two of the key characteristics there. Consistency would be one being people can count on you. They know how you're going to respond, and if you respond in an inappropriate way, you're, they know you're consistent in apologizing or making it right.

[00:42:09] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Being able to collaborate all, all of that, it's like, and basically that's how you run a church. It's how you run a ministry is, is you collaborate with other people because it's not all about you. Greatness comes. When you serve others and you make other people better as a result. In fact, I think it's Brene Brown that talks about in her book Multipliers that she says, as a leader, your job isn't to tell people what to do, it's to bring out their individual greatness, their contribution.

[00:42:43] Dr. Mike Bechtle: To be part of a, an organization, help them contribute the stuff that only they can do. That, that's what it, what greatness does, is it draws out the best of others. So.

[00:42:54] Mm-hmm.

[00:42:56] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Wow. So well

[00:42:57] The Missional Life - Dan: said.

[00:42:57] Yeah.

[00:42:58] The Missional Life - Dan: That's , an important perspective and an important action plan, but not always followed as well. Particularly in today's a day and age where it's, it's so self, self centered and, and, you know, just it's, it's about us in terms of social media and all sorts of different things. So we've got a couple fun questions for you as we wrap up here. About reading the room, if you had to read a room.

[00:43:23] The Missional Life - Dan: At a family gathering where everyone talks at once, what's your go-to strategy?

[00:43:30] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Go to the bathroom a lot. Well, these are people you know, and you know, you know their temperament, you know their personality. I think my go-to strategy there is I talk to the, the people that are. I will say the Joyce Landor refused to have, she wrote a book called Your Irregular Person, the one that causes you the most challenge.

[00:43:55] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And in a family there's always one and there's some people that you haven't talked to for a while and, but if there's somebody that's kind of the grumpy old uncle or whatever, I try to go talk to them first. I take the initiative, it's like. Just make those conversations. And if I talk to them first and I initiated it, they're not gonna be as grumpy with me.

[00:44:19] Dr. Mike Bechtle: But that's not my incentive. It's just like, talk to the people that they're probably grumpy. 'cause other people know they're grumpy and they won't talk to 'em, or they're, they're not compassionate towards 'em or they're not listening. So pick the grumpiest person first and recognize and. The other one I wrote a book about, especially those kind of things, it was called People Can't Drive You Crazy if you don't give them the Keys.

[00:44:45] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And the whole idea behind that is that I, I wanna make sure that I don't let other, the things I cannot control, I can't control other people. I can influence them, but the only thing I can control is my response to them, myself and my response. And so, being proactive about myself and how I go into that so that I'm still in a position of influence, but are they gonna bug me?

[00:45:13] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Yeah, probably. But it's family. That's what family does. And, and so, so yeah, if it's, it's a family gathering. I don't know. They have a go-to strategy, but I tend to try and talk to the people that other people won't first.

[00:45:29] The Missional Life - Dan: Mm. It's an old business concept called Eat that Frog. And it's the idea of when you get up , in the day and it's like you're starting your day and you have that one thing that you have to do that day, but you don't want to do.

[00:45:39] The Missional Life - Dan: It's like you gotta eat that frog first, so that way the rest of your day goes, it goes better. Yeah. So it's very, very similar. So go talk to that hard to talk to family member. One other one. What's, what's the funniest or most awkward moment you've had while trying to read a room?

[00:45:53] The Missional Life - Dan: And how did you handle it?

[00:45:54] Dr. Mike Bechtle: When I was doing seminars in different corporations, a lot of times they'd hold them in hotels or different places, and it would be a company that would hire us to come in and do a seminar for them.

[00:46:05] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And that's back in the days when we had slide projectors or we had overhead projectors that we'd mark on. So we'd have to go in and get set up and we'd have videos we'd show, so we had speakers. And so I went into I, I asked where the. A certain seminar was going to be. And they sent me to the wrong room and it was the room.

[00:46:28] Dr. Mike Bechtle: 'cause I, they asked me my name and I said, well, it's Mike Bechtel. So there was a seminar by the Bechtel Corporation, which is a very large infrastructure organization, that they were having a seminar in that room. And so they sent me into that room. That wasn't where I was supposed to be. And so I went in and I got all set up and I'm talking to people like I always do and just making conversation.

[00:46:51] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And so I'm setting up my stuff and one of the leaders we were talking, he said, so, so tell me what, what your what, what, what your role is here today. Because they thought I was one of the family members, the Bechtel family from Germany that had come in to. To give 'em all raises or something. And, and all of a sudden I realized, I thought they think I am here from corporate just showed up and I'm gonna do a presentation.

[00:47:20] Dr. Mike Bechtle: I. And I realized I wasn't, I was two rooms over in a whole, totally different seminar and I wasn't paying attention, but I wasn't reading the room. I was just in there setting up and doing stuff. But that, as I started seeing what was happening, I sensed what was going on and I thought, oh, this is not good.

[00:47:39] Dr. Mike Bechtle: So I. Very, I let them talk and I very quietly packed up and moved things outside and set up in the appropriate room. But I learned from that that I need to not just go in and make assumptions. So I started going in and talking to people first, and then, or going in and setting up completely and then talking to people so I could make sure that I knew what was going on.

[00:48:03] Dr. Mike Bechtle: A lot of people go in and do a seminar and it's like, I'm here, I'll set up. I do my thing, I do my shtick, and then I leave. I thought, no, I want to, I don't want to go in a, like a keynote address or something. Sometimes they have a green room where you have the stage and everything and then you're in the green room by yourself and then they announce you.

[00:48:22] Dr. Mike Bechtle: You come out from the back of the stage, you talk, and then you leave and go back to the green room. And I always avoided that 'cause I'd rather spend that 45 minutes out in the crowd just meeting people, even if I don't tell 'em that I'm the speaker. I just wanna talk to people and introduce myself and find out some of their stories.

[00:48:42] Dr. Mike Bechtle: And then when I get up on the platform, I have people I can refer to. I was talking to so-and-so, you know, a little while ago about, about this and they gave a really good perspective on, and so it makes you feel like you feel like one of the group when you do that. And so, so I think that was one of 'em where I I just hadn't been in the habit of reading rooms first, and now it's like nothing is more important to me than knowing what's going on.

[00:49:10] Dr. Mike Bechtle: So I go from there.

[00:49:12] The Missional Life - Dan: So well said. So. Where can our listeners get your new book, how to read a room so that they can avoid situations like that? They can read the room first before they end up in other situations. How can they connect with you? Where can they go?

[00:49:27] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Well, that's, I mean, it's on Amazon and all the easiest place to go.

[00:49:31] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Probably the central place is my website, which is just my name. Mike, B-E-C-H-L-E. Gotta get the last two letters, right, because they're normally reversed. But one of my ancestors. Made a mistake on a birth certificate and it went down. So, but it's but it that, that's the mike bechtel.com and it's got all of the, the books on the, on the first page, on the homepage, there's also a link up at the corner.

[00:49:58] Dr. Mike Bechtle: It says, free guide, and I do a newsletter every couple weeks and send it out just with ideas and thoughts and tips and those kind of things. And a place to interact. So I, people will email me their ideas, and I, I always respond to the email, so just to stay in touch, see what's going on. If they click that free guide, it's a, a little download that's, that's called 10 Things Confident.

[00:50:21] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Communicators avoid saying, and it's just a little fun thing. But I also get them connected for that weekly newsletter. And so it's a good way, it's really been a good way to have real conversations through email with people that are interested in some of the stuff I'm doing. So that, that'd be the, the main place to go.

[00:50:39] The Missional Life - Dan: Well, listeners, we'll have those in the show notes. Mike, what an honor to have you on the show. What a what a blessing to have you share such wisdom and such knowledge with, with us and with our listeners. And we just are excited to see how God continues to use this book and, and you and, and we're we just speak favor over everything you're doing and just we just pray that God continues to, to impact so many particularly the , introverts, but everyone, into being who he has called them to be. So thank you so much for being on the show.

[00:51:07] Dr. Mike Bechtle: Thank you. Thank you. It's such a privilege. Amen.