Hazel: [00:00:00] Hi there. I'm Hazel Showell. I'm here to guide you through the toughest transitions in life, business, and even love. I've spent 30 years coaching CEOs and founders to navigate the messy stuff of life, from selling a business, the loss of something or someone important, to repairing relationships and restoring confidence.

Welcome to Endings.

Mary-Ellen: I'm really relieved and grateful that I've not lived my entire [00:00:30] life without being gifted that perspective.

Hazel: Mary-Ellen McTague is a chef and a restaurateur who's worked in multi Michelin star kitchens. She's lived through the closure of two of her restaurants as well as the end of her marriage, blaming herself for her personal brand of chaos, as she called it.

But this is a story of finding yourself whilst losing your business. At the end of this episode, I'm going to give you some tips [00:01:00] on self compassion. If you suspect that your brain isn't wired quite like anyone else's. But first let's go back to the beginning.

Hospitality is a notoriously tough industry, but it was one that Mary-Ellen felt she could handle and eventually thrive in.

Mary-Ellen: I was running a restaurant, so, working seven plus days a week, um, very long days. Cooking meals, plating up and sending [00:01:30] the meals out. I would then be doing all the business stuff. So stuff for social media, pictures, emails, phone calls, recruitment, did everything.

Finances. I enjoyed it being that way. I definitely got a buzz out of, out of the chaos. Out of the fact that it was, it was kind of, you know, it was kind of every day was flirting with total disaster.

Hazel: Even when her children came along, life did not slow down.

Mary-Ellen: When my youngest was born, we owned our own [00:02:00] restaurant by that point, so I was, I mean, I'm pretty sure I was doing work emails the same day he was born. And at the time it was, it was just fine. It was just kind of what needed to be done to keep things moving.

Hazel: Then came 2020 and the COVID pandemic and for Mary-Ellen, it all became a bit too much.

Mary-Ellen: Well, eventually I burnt out and I'm still recovering from that. I think I was really, I was conscious that it wasn't sustainable

I was constantly the whole time sort of [00:02:30] anxious that I wasn't spending enough time with my children or that home life was not as nice and relaxed or like clean and tidy or all of those things as it could be because of how much of my time was spent working. I got to the point where I hated my job. I hated restaurants.

I hated cooking. COVID was the final nail in the coffin. Trying to. keep a business afloat during that time. I mean, which ultimately, I [00:03:00] failed in the business had to close.

Hazel: At the same time, Mary-Ellen was having the growing realization that there might be another reason why she was struggling.

Mary-Ellen: I just, I think I had this sense from being really small that there was something wrong with me. Cause I remember getting in trouble a lot as a kid and I couldn't understand it. Cause I'd be like, but I'm trying really hard. To be good, like I'm doing my absolute best and still somehow managing to get into trouble. And that feeling stayed with me my whole life.

Hazel: A chance conversation [00:03:30] with a friend gave us some insights.

Mary-Ellen: So I was chatting with a friend who, um, she's a, a researcher tv and she had been working on a program about children in pupil referral units. So through that work, they'd then interviewed. The, I think is the guy who runs, I think it's ADHD UK, just in chatting to him, he'd sort of talk about, uh, symptoms of ADHD that aren't necessarily just about, uh, young boys that are hyperactive and naughty, that that [00:04:00] was kind of a very surface level understanding of ADHD.

In talking to him, she sort of started going, Oh yeah, that sounds like me. Oh, and that's me. And that's me as well. And she sort of, she sort of saw herself in all of these things. So she's relating this conversation to me and all of that. She was telling me, I was also like, Oh, Oh yeah, that's me. Nope. That's the whole thing is me.

Hazel: The morning I spoke to Mary-Ellen I just had my own diagnosis of ADHD. So I really wanted to [00:04:30] find out what it was like for her at the time of her diagnosis.

Mary-Ellen: I just needed to know whether I did have ADHD or I was just a bit of a shit person. Because the fact is that so many ADHD symptoms are what we, you know, as a society would deem to be character flaws.

Constant lateness, not doing things for people you've said you're going to do, missing deadlines. Just plain forgetting to do things, um, having an untidy [00:05:00] house, not managing your money. Well, you know, these are all things that are really looked down on. And for good reason, they're annoying. I mean, you know, they're all very annoying traits, but they're often assumed to come from a place of, of being lazy or not caring or being selfish or being rude.

And I, you know, I was definitely worried that, that they would say, no, you haven't got ADHD, you're just not very nice. Oh, it's a big thing.

Hazel: Well, it's interesting because many people I talk to get, [00:05:30] um, uh, any kind of diagnosis like that. They get worried about, yes, what if I'm not? What does that mean? That all those years ago, I really am just awful and forgetful and unkind and neglectful and all the things that, um, yeah, I think it's a lot about self judgment, isn't it?

Because what has changed for you then since the diagnosis?

Mary-Ellen: Well, I think that first, probably that first year after I got the diagnosis, I thought I would feel really [00:06:00] relieved and I was, I was actually really, really sad about it. I was really depressed because I felt, I felt very stuck and like, I didn't know, I didn't really know how to, how to integrate it in my life, how to integrate the new, the knowledge.

But unfortunately as well, the ADHD service, I was assessed and diagnosed by was really poor. In fact, they recently lost their NHS contracts. So the medication didn’t work out because they didnt [00:06:30] titrate me. It's like they prescribed a drug that doesn't exist. I mean, it was, it was, it was an absolute joke, to be honest. So, um, that was a bit unfortunate.

And like I say, the timing of it was, it was the start of. just before the start of the first lockdown that I had my assessment interview and it was then sort of well into COVID lockdowns and you know restaurant open and closing and stuff by the time I got the diagnosis and I think [00:07:00] I felt like the restaurant was kind of a sinking ship anyway.

I mean we were trying everything, anything and everything to keep it afloat and It didn't ultimately close that until the summer of 2022, so we kept going until there was absolutely nothing left to try. I mean, we even pivoted to be in a, an Italian restaurant. It was, you know, we did all sorts, everything you kept pedaling we can think of, but we kept pedalling, yes.

Um, kept peddling until the whole bike [00:07:30] fell over, but I was, I was kind of doing that with then this new knowledge that I might not have what's needed to be able to turn that around.

Hazel: But that's the interesting bit, isn't it? That, you know, you, you, you keep peddling, you keep trying the best you can in impossible situations.

Because I think 98 percent of businesses in the UK are small businesses and the impact of COVID on so many sectors and, you know, including yours, that was just. [00:08:00] Devastating, absolutely catastrophic and not possible to survive

Mary-Ellen: it. No, I can definitely see now that it was just impossible. It wasn't my fault, but at the time I very much felt like it was all my fault and all on my shoulders.

And it wasn't. It wasn't at all. I was, I was being very, very harsh on myself, but I just, it was just part of the sort of, the general misery I was feeling around the diagnosis. Now though, what's [00:08:30] changed now is I, and I'm still, what are we, 2024? So three years after first being diagnosed. And I'm, you know, like lots of neurodiverse people, I can get a bit obsessed with certain topics, you know, special interests and stuff.

So I've done a lot of, a lot of research into ADHD and I still, you know, I'm still constantly finding out things. This morning I figured out if I put my shopping list on my work app thing, that I might actually remember to buy the toilet roll in time. [00:09:00] Every day, every day is a school day and I'm kind of constantly trying to make little incremental changes.and I've got to the point where I've got, you know, I finally managed to get, get around to having two bank accounts, one for bills, one for not bills. And so I now pretty much know that I'm not going to miss a bill. It still happens occasionally. I forget to do a transfer or whatever. I still managed to mess it up sometimes, but the system is fairly robust.

I'm getting to a point where over [00:09:30] time, really slowly, slowly bringing, different systems, but I do know the harder I am on myself and the less kind of forgiving I am towards myself, the less well I manage anyway. Like the big thing that's changed or the big thing I've learned is that I've, you know, accepting that you're not going to stop making mistakes is is hard, particularly when that's the total opposite approach to my entire life up to this point, where it's always been about work harder, work better, [00:10:00] work cleverer.

Hazel: And it's interesting, isn't it? When you discover that sometimes that isn't the answer, you can't work any harder. And, but I was also, as you were talking, I was thinking there's a, like an equation I use a lot in coaching, which is compassion plus distance minus judgment equals love. And the first, so it's compassion plus distance, which is perspective, minus judgment equals love.

And the people that we are least likely [00:10:30] to apply that to is ourselves.

Mary-Ellen: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That's, that's fantastic. And the other thing I think that has changed hugely for me in the last couple of years has been the coaching. So I did eventually manage to access some ADHD coaching and that was life changing to the point where I was like, I'm going to retrain as an ADHD coach. Like this is, I haven't managed to squeeze that into my schedule just yet. But it was, that was a starting point for me to [00:11:00] like, I'd done all this research, but I wasn't able without the coaching to apply the self compassion. And also to understand that I needed to really strip my life back to basics.

It was very full, very chaotic. I had a lot of, Really difficult obligations. Um, and that's, that really helped me kind of strip a lot of things away and get back to the, the absolute basics of self care. I remember when I started coaching, she was just a bit astonished that [00:11:30] I didn't ever take any kind of break ever during the working day and I was like, but I can't stop.

So my first homework for my first coaching session was to take two like minute long breaks during the day. Like really basic stuff. The second one was to have breakfast. I mean, I, you know, that was the second coaching session. My homework was to start trying to have breakfast, like really basic self care that I just didn't, I hadn't considered that stuff.

I was just on, I [00:12:00] was just complete. I was just on this, like, treadmill, just like go, go, go. And I think the other thing I realized, the huge thing I realized is that my life was really, really full and really busy and really hard, but it didn't actually have to be that way. It wasn't, that wasn't like some kind of natural order.

That was something I created by not understanding time. My time blindness is insane. Like I have no concept of how long anything will take. Um, so understanding that I have to, I have to have allowance in my [00:12:30] diary for that. Um, and so I was constantly on the go because, because I just was constantly saying yes to too many things and adding, like constantly adding to my plate.

So yeah, learning, learning how to sort of strip back, strip things back and. Say no a bit more and, and sort of just really do the absolute basics of taking care of myself, food and water and the odd break.

Hazel: Yeah. I always think it's the, the shed factors, sleep, hydration, exercise, diet, get that right. [00:13:00] Good food Do some movement, drink water, go to sleep. But it is complicated though, isn't it? If you think of all the like circadian rhythm disruptions in ADHD and so not naturally someone with great sleep hygiene probably.

Mary-Ellen: No, no, much better now though. Much, much better. I'm a, I regularly get eight plus hours sleep, which is amazing.

That's brilliant. It is really brilliant. Like that person I was before the [00:13:30] diagnosis, I guess before COVID, I couldn't have lasted much longer like that. And it did, you know, when the, when the Creamery was finally closed. In the summer of 2022, it was a bit of an abrupt and unwanted closure. We kind of wanted to sell things off and to do it in a bit more of a We wanted a dignified end and it was a bit undignified in the end.

Okay. And ended up meaning we didn't pay everybody off at the end. And that was, you know, having to tell suppliers [00:14:00] that you're not going to be able to pay them is Awful because they're small businesses too, like awful. Um, yeah, it was, it was a pretty, pretty undignified end, but it needed to be over. It was, it had been sinking for a long time and it was, it was really doing me harm trying to keep it going.

Um, and I think, I think for, for about a year after we closed, I just slept [00:14:30] all the time, I would have 12, 14 plus hours at night. and a nap in the afternoon every day. Like it was crazy. I just slept and slept and slept and slept. Um, I know excessive sleep is an ADHD thing. And I think I had it when I was a kid. I used to fall asleep as soon as I got home from school because I was just exhausted. I think from masking all day and you know, um, But, um, still have that as an adult, but that, that year after, after the restaurant closed was, [00:15:00] I was just absolutely done in.

Hazel: Then that also sounds like grief on top of the impact of your ADHD.

Mary-Ellen: Yeah, there was that too, definitely.

Hazel: That's why we, when we talk about, you know, endings that, because something that you have to let go of and, and just say, when absolutely is the right thing, just not ideally the right, that's the right way or the way you would have liked to have done it. Um, but I'm also interested in this idea of when you are starting to look back now with a little bit of distance, [00:15:30] what was unexpected about this journey of learning about yourself?

Mary-Ellen: Well, like a whole re evaluation of my life happened. Everything, every relationship, every difficult phase, things I was good at, the facts that I'd found cooking Was good at that the fact that why, why I fell apart at college and uni, why I couldn't complete those courses, you know, I'd, I'd still [00:16:00] had this feeling that I'm just that I'm lazy, you know, and yeah, I'd be able to reevaluate absolutely everything from, you know, going back to being age four or five years old.

I mean, there was a lot of grief. In fact, I'm feeling a bit upset now thinking about it, but there was, um, yeah, there was a lot of grief there as well. So things that could have been different and things I'd lost and. Relationships I'd not been able to maintain. That, that was all really hard. So I think you're right.

And I [00:16:30] think the grieving that I did after the restaurant closed, it wasn't just the restaurant. It was like a lifetime because I'd been so busy up to that point that I just, I'd kept myself far too busy to think about anything. You know, there was a marriage ended, two businesses failed, like my little, my son had been really sick.

There was there was loads of stuff. And then. And then this whole lifetime worth of, of what felt like, I guess felt a bit like missed opportunities. It was a, it was a lot, a lot [00:17:00] to process. Like it's an ongoing process. I definitely don't feel, I don't feel that sense of sadness about it all anymore. I think I feel much more glad to have this new understanding.

Like I'm, I'm really relieved and grateful that I've not lived my entire life without that, without being gifted that perspective. You know, I think, I think of all the people who've lived entire lives with, you know, autism or [00:17:30] ADHD and not know.

Hazel: The other thing I was interested in is when you were talking about yourself before, there was A huge amount of self judgment, like say, Oh, I must, I need to try harder. I must be lazy or something. Did that change after the diagnosis?

Mary-Ellen: It's slowly changing, you know, therapy, more coaching. It's it, but it's just something I work on daily, really. Like it's still there. It's [00:18:00] like constantly, you know, that voice in my head saying, try harder. You're not trying hard enough. You know, you're getting it wrong.

Um, That's, that's still there, but it's definitely, definitely much less, I'm getting better at hearing it happen and, and, you know, sort of going, actually, hang on.

Hazel: But it's like completely changing identity, isn't it? Like if you've gone from years of judging yourself of thinking, Oh, I need to do [00:18:30] better to suddenly actually, maybe I am a decent human being that just sometimes box up and gets it wrong.

Mary-Ellen: Yeah, well, exactly. But they're just such well trodden paths. I mean, if that's the way you're thinking since you were a small child, it's, I heard a brilliant phrase the other day. I can't remember where it was now, but somebody said or wrote, uh, practice makes permanent. So it's, you know, through repetition, obviously you don't just, there was those neural pathways or whatever, all those habits.

And [00:19:00] when there's such, when it, if, when it feels like, It feels like it's sort of almost part of your personality, um, and like, it was, it was my worldview as well. I just, I thought I had to be busy and working very hard because I was such a flawed person that if I stopped doing that, then Yeah.

Hazel: At all. Oh, yeah. This feels familiar. But that's the thing, isn't it? It's, it's all this complexity because it's not a straightforward condition. There's [00:19:30] so many layers to it in terms of the behavioural side and, um, you're right that The neural pathways, if you've got to recarve it, it's like imagining water that's created, uh, valleys because it's been running the same way for years and years and years.

And the sheer effort of changing the route is huge. And so it's exhausting on top of what's already, you can be pretty much. You know, either sleep deprived or too sleepy all the time, and you're adding mental effort to try and re carve a [00:20:00] new pathway until it becomes habit.

Mary-Ellen: It's, well, it's too hard some days. It's just too hard some days. I think the other, the other thing I've learned recently. So I think it's, I think, um, it's referred to as like a spoon, the spoon theory. You know, you've only got so many spoons at the start of the day. Oh yeah. So you have. Yeah. We've got some, I saw a video, somebody did this as a visual thing. She was like, this is how many spoons I've got today. And then she's like, this is getting up out of bed. This is making breakfast for the kids. [00:20:30] This is washing my face and brushing my teeth, you know, and, and it's like, it's 10 AM and they've all gone. And she's still got a day of work to do. And then kids later, and, you know, I'm trying to find a way to work that for myself where I can sort of try and think about what I've got energy wise and like intellect wise.

Hazel: But that self awareness of knowing, Oh right, if I do X it's going to cost me Y. It's so important, isn't it? So it's getting into that idea [00:21:00] of seeing life as um, like a series of exchange, and you can only give so much, and you only want to take so much. But it's got to balance

Mary-Ellen: I definitely thought I was some kind of robot before I was like, I didn't understand that there'd be consequences for working 80, 90 hours a week for 20 years. I was like, I mean, I'm feeling the consequences now in my knee and my back, definitely, definitely feeling those consequences, but I just, I don't really give myself the space for [00:21:30] things that I would just like to do for me. Cause I just, I feel like I need to meet all these expectations of other people.

Hazel: Yes. But that's an interesting bit, isn't when you start to really think about, um, what do you expect of other people? What do you expect of yourself? Then if you ask them. What do they expect from you knowing that you are, you know, say it's like a stick of rock with the ADHD Rippling through every part of your life. What do they expect of you? I'm always [00:22:00] astonished how kind and generous people are and how much they're not the ones with the high expectations

Mary-Ellen: That is such a brilliant and profound thing and I'm gonna ask My two very wonderful and lovely Eat Well colleagues, what they expect of me, because yeah, I bet it's not, it's not the same as what I expect.

Hazel: It's not. And that's the bit because we can drive ourselves. tear ourselves apart, trying to meet a set of [00:22:30] expectations. And then when you talk to someone again, I never wanted that. I actually did try this exercise, but I let my, uh, two closest friends know that without my diagnosis, they were like, we've always known you as special.

And it's that sense of being okay. Of if you don't hear from me for a bit, it's because I've withdrawn. It's not because. I don't love you and I don't think about you constantly, but I don't remember to be in touch. And it's only when you think, when was the last time I phoned? [00:23:00] That's disgraceful. So I think that's the bit about finding out what people expect, but even though they're kind of, you know, writing your own expectations down so you can overlap them and go blimey so the person driving me is me. And there may be people in your life who do have high expectations. But at least it allows you to figure out who's got the expectations that are the equivalent of the moon on a stick and a pony called sparkle. And it's like, cause sometimes people do expect some stuff where you have to say, I'm just not going to be able to do that, but it's being able [00:23:30] to meet or manage and say, I would love to, and it's not possible for me.

Mary-Ellen: Yeah.

Hazel: And yeah, I know particularly a lot of high performing women, but high performing people in general who push themselves to get that cherry on the top of the cake rather than, did anybody want this? Let's just check first, we're not building ice cream sundaes. People are looking at going, what the heck, what is this?

But you mentioned Eat Well. That was part of another question I just wanted to ask, which is, you know, when everyone else [00:24:00] was going, Oh, bugger now COVID's wrecked my industry and what am I going to do? You actually created a whole new business. Can you tell me a bit more about yours? I think it's such a phenomenal story.

Mary-Ellen: So, I mean, in very, very typical ADHD style, actually, um, we knew a lockdown was coming. It had become, got to the point where it was very evident. Also, my sister is, uh, she's a consultant in Sheffield. She works in palliative care. So she was part of the city's kind of COVID planning. And I was talking to her and she was, you know, [00:24:30] she was saying it's all very distressing. It's gonna be really hard. Doctors and nurses are going to be working shifts that just go on and on and on. And, you know, we're not gonna be able to see their families. And I was like, that is awful. What can we do to help? And she sort of suggested that providing hot meals would be welcome. And so when it was clear the restaurant was going to close, I was sort of, you know, I was thinking, well, all this food is going to go in the bin.

And then it dawned on me that all the food in all the restaurants and cafes and pubs and everything was going in the bin. [00:25:00] So I just did a shout out on social media and I said if anybody is closing down the business and they've got food that they don't know what to do with, uh, let me know and I'll come and get it or you can bring it to me.

Fast forward 24 hours and the restaurant was packed to the rafters with food and I was sort of thinking, you know, God, I better get some help with this. Um, and I'd started making enquiries with sort of local hospitals and, and wards asking if people wanted deliveries and quite a lot of people were saying yes.

So then I did another shout [00:25:30] out on social media and I just said, if anybody's free to help prepare and deliver these meals, please let me know. And at the same time, I'd worked, off and on with a charity called Back on Track who are based in Manchester. They work, provide training to people who've either, um, been in prison or, or been street homeless or, um, had drug or alcohol problems.

And they, they did a lot of catering type training and had a cafe. So they'd been asked by the council to provide some meals for rough sleepers [00:26:00] who were being housed in a hotel and they couldn't manage it all. So she just, Siobhan, the, Managing director, I think she is. She called me and she said, can you help?

Can you get 70 meals to a hotel in Gorton in three hours? I was like, well, yes.

Funny you should ask. Um, and then that was how it started. And then it just snowballed. I mean, the response. Both to the initial request for food and then beyond that, just the response from people [00:26:30] continually like offering to help, to cook, to deliver. We started off like that in sort of March and then through April and then in May because people were trying to give us money as well to help us keep going.

We'd run, we'd run on donate, like donated food up to that point, but we got to the point where we needed to start to organize and order food in and things and people wanted to give us money. So we formalized into a CIC. We'd formalized by the May. It just went from there. And we like, we've always, it's been really important to us from the start that [00:27:00] we wanted to make sure it was all about food made by chefs with really nice ingredients and like a small number, but a small number of meals, but hopefully big impacts on the individuals that are receiving them, but in November Last year, we, we passed our 100,000th meal delivered. Wow.

Hazel: Congratulations.

Mary-Ellen: And people are still constantly approaching us, asking us how they can help. People are still, like, you know, four, it's four years on now.

Hazel: But what I'm hearing is [00:27:30] fabulous, positive application of an ADHD creative mind.

Mary-Ellen: Yeah. I mean, that was, that feels like the best thing I've, I've heard. done or been involved in for sure. It's absolutely like a heart and soul project. I mean, now I look back and I think that was a bit mad, but, but still, yeah, we did it.

Hazel: That's fantastic. My final question, what's the future look like now?

Mary-Ellen: Oh, well, [00:28:00] hopefully the future looks, a lot calmer. I am seeking calm. And so I just, I'm just still, you know, working on those little things, those little changes I can make in my life that will make it more doable.

Try not to take on too much, trying to take rest, trying to sort of focus on the, the really important things. Like [00:28:30] seeing friends and family and I still, I mean, I still have that runaway train in my mind that like, you know, I want to do everything, but, um, yeah, I think I'm, I'm definitely, uh, I'm definitely appreciating the sort of slower pace of life.

Hazel: What I noticed was how tough [00:29:00] Mary-Ellen was on herself, assuming the worst rather than looking for a different perspective on why she seemed to struggle with things that others appear to find easy, even though she's a high performing professional. So I wanted to explore self compassion. On the worksheet for this episode, you'll see my favourite formula, which is compassion, plus distance, minus judgment, equals love.

I talk about this a lot, and it works for compassion for others too, but I'm going to walk you [00:29:30] backwards through the formula when you're thinking about yourself. To be a bit kinder on yourself, the first step is drop the judgment. If you're neurodivergent, it's probably a mix of genetic factors and early environment.

You didn't do anything wrong, you may just be wired a bit differently, and different does not mean anything, it's just the way it is. But, once you can understand yourself, you can fit your world to you. It takes less energy than masking, i. e. faking normal, whatever normal is, [00:30:00] and you can explore the gifts and superpowers of your way of thinking.

Understanding helps you to find the right distance to look at your situation. You can zoom in, To check in on your feelings. I mean, this can be quite the rollercoaster. Mary-Ellen talked about the fear of not being diagnosed. That inner critic that says, what if I'm just a bit shit? I felt the same way.

And then comes the guilt and the grief for all those years struggling to make sense of the way [00:30:30] you are. For everything it costs you and those around you. Your diagnosis may be late, but it's not too late. This is where you can zoom out to see the bigger picture. The percentage of ADHD in adults in the UK is estimated at three to four percent.

And it's three times more likely to be identified in men than women. In the US, it's one in ten. Being able to explain without judgment why Mary-Ellen is the way she paved the way to doing things [00:31:00] differently and finding a way to live and work in balance with her nature. Not fighting it or blaming herself when she lost an unfair fight.

The final aspect is compassionate self. You The type of compassion needed is grounded in cognitive empathy. You might have heard me talk about this in other episodes. Compassion means the ability to really listen to someone and understand what life's like in their shoes. Believe them. [00:31:30] Even if we have no framework to understand, just believe them.

And that includes yourself, when you can acknowledge what you find easy and what you find hard. With no judgment, cognitive empathy means keeping your curious intellect in play, rather than getting overwhelmed by the emotion. And this takes research to understand your condition. Do talk to your doctor first.

It can take a long time to get a diagnosis in the UK right now, unless you have the option for [00:32:00] private assessment. Now, we're talking specifically about ADHD in this episode, but testing rules in or out other conditions that can be similar, so it's important not to self diagnose. Leave the diagnostic to the trained professionals.

So when I say research, I mean evidence based research that has been peer reviewed, not some bloke's blog. The timing of this episode was Really weird. The fact that I'd have my own diagnosis on the morning I spoke to her [00:32:30] and what really resonated with me is when she talked about the grief she experienced after, when she reflected back on perhaps what she'd lost that she didn't need to, or she wouldn't started the businesses, she would have done them differently.

She thought about her relationships and the impact, and it really made me reflect on my own life. And you look back and suddenly all the risk taking, the adrenaline rides, the, you know, I have been married a few [00:33:00] times, recognizing that did life need to be that way? And it can bring up a lot of grief and guilt and all sorts of strange Emotions that I wasn't expecting.

And it's been able to go back to that idea of it might be late, but it's not too late. So I'm 57 and it felt very weird to be getting a diagnosis of ADHD at my age, because I'm almost coming to the end of my working life. And yet actually there's still some great years to [00:33:30] go and maybe I can do things differently. Now I understand better.

But our understanding of neurodivergence has come a long way, but there's still a lot to learn. It's quite possible for you to get through school, build a career, raise a family whilst being undiagnosed. But I suspect you always felt a bit different. Mary-Ellen was brave, brave enough to get a diagnosis and start to understand how few changes and eventually the right medication can really [00:34:00] help. And once you have a confirmed diagnosis, it's also important to remember, you're not your label. Explore what works about life and what doesn't, and how much of what doesn't is to do with accommodating your neurodivergence. The challenge is to pace I talk about the three P's a lot. Pacing in kids is 10 to 3. 3 minutes of rest after 10 minutes of using your executive functions. So find your ratio. The best analogy I've come [00:34:30] across for ADHD is it's like having a Ferrari engine and push bike brakes. When you're in the mode to go, you really can go. But it's really hard to change track, and it's really hard to stop yourself.

So use those strengths. For ADHD there can be hyper focus, resilience, creativity, conversational skills, spontaneity, and a lot of energy. And some suggestions are that the ADHD brains have a later circadian rhythm, which is the sleep wake cycle. [00:35:00] They could make great night watchmen or hunters, but being a night owl who needs to get up early is asking to be exhausted.

So challenge your time estimations. If you think something's going to take two minutes, give yourself 10 to focus and then leave a reminder of what you're going back to. If you're asked to do something, count to 10 and then check your diary. Because everything you say yes to means saying no to something else.

Saying yes to working late. means no to family time or recharging your [00:35:30] batteries, which is really needed for most ADHD adults who struggle to stay asleep, often waking several times and then falling into a deep sleep that it's hard to wake up from. Breathing, relaxation, mindfulness, they can all help. And there are a few guided meditations to try on my website, which is just justhazel.co.uk, but mostly be kind to yourself. Break tasks down, set alarms to move, break the hyperfocus. I have alarms and [00:36:00] apps to remind me to drink water, stand up, take meds and go to bed. And I forgive myself when I ignore them all. So that's just lived experience. It's not the medical advice. This is about finding your way. Because it will need to be your way of dealing with the way your brain is wired. First, see your doctor.

My thanks to Mary-Ellen for sharing her story. I hope you [00:36:30] enjoyed this episode of Endings. And if you'd like to share your thoughts, well, I'd love to hear them. You can reach me at hazelshowell on LinkedIn, Or HazelCS on X. I also have a compassion worksheet that I mentioned that's specifically for listeners of this episode.

It might help you to find the perspective you need to love yourself, however you're wired. And I won't ask for your details to get it. If you need it, you can have it. Click the link in the show notes to download your worksheet now. [00:37:00] Finally, if you know somebody who might benefit from hearing about coming to terms with neurodivergence as an adult, then do share this episode with them.

I'm Hazel Showell, and I hope you'll join me again for another episode of Endings.