Have you ever found yourself reacting to your child in a way that felt overwhelming, automatic, and maybe even reminded you of how your mother responded to you? Have you heard words come out of your mouth that sounded eerily like something your mother would say, words you promised yourself you'd never repeat? If so, you're experiencing what we call parenting triggers, and that's exactly what we're diving into today. Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. Welcome to today's episode where we'll be diving into parenting triggers. Those moments when our past experiences suddenly show up in our parenting, often catching us completely off guard. So what exactly are parenting triggers at their core? Triggers are emotional reactions that seem disproportionate to the current situation. That moment when your child does something relatively minor, maybe spills a drink or talks back and you feel a wave of intense emotion washing over you, your heart races, your temperature rises, and you might find yourself reacting in ways that surprise even you. These triggers are particularly amplified in mother-daughter relationships. Why? Because the mother-daughter bond is one of the most formative relationships in our lives. It's where we first learn what it means to be a woman, how emotion should be expressed, how we should treat ourselves and others, and how to just be in the world when we become mothers, especially to daughters. We're constantly faced with reflections of our own childhood experiences. Before we dive deeper, I wanna offer a quick assessment for you. Take a moment to reflect on these questions. Do you find yourself overreacting to specific behaviors from your child that seem minor to others? Are there moments when you hear your mother's words coming out of your mouth? Words you promised yourself? You'd never say, do certain development stages or situations with your child leave you feeling unusually anxious, angry, or shut down? Do you sometimes feel like you're watching yourself parent from outside of your body, almost like you've shifted into automatic pilot? If you've answered yes to any of these questions. You're experiencing parenting triggers, and I want you to know you're not alone, and this awareness is actually the first step to healing. Let's start by understanding why these triggers happen in the first place. Our brains are wired for survival. When we experience trauma or chronic stress in childhood, our nervous system develops specific pathways to protect us. These pathways create automatic responses to situations that remind us even subtly of past painful experiences. As parents we're often triggered when our children's behavior mirrors something about ourselves that was criticized or shamed. A situation reminds us of a time we felt unsafe, unseen, or unimportant. We're faced with emotions that we weren't allowed to express. As children, we find ourselves in parenting situations where we have no healthy model to follow. I remember working with a client, let's call her Melissa, who would become intensely angry whenever her daughter cried. After exploring this trigger, Melissa realized that as a child, her mother would shame her for crying, telling her to toughen up, and that crying is for babies. When her own daughter cried, it activated Melissa's unresolved pain around her having emotions invalidated. The fascinating thing about triggers is that they're actually messengers pointing us toward unhealed parts of ourselves. When we approach them with curiosity rather than judgment, they become opportunities for profound healing. It's important to understand that triggers often emerge during specific developmental stages. When your child reaches the age you were, when you experienced something difficult, or when they begin displaying behaviors that were problematic In your family of origin, you may find yourself triggered more frequently. This is your psyche's way of bringing forward what needs healing. It's actually a gift, even though it rarely feels that way in the moment. One of the most beautiful aspects of conscious parenting is the opportunity to break generational patterns. This doesn't mean becoming a perfect parent. It means being a parent who's aware of the patterns and actively working to create new, healthier ones. So how do we break these patterns while in the trenches of day-to-day parenting? First, we need to identify the patterns we're trying to break. Take some time to reflect on how emotions were handled in your family growing up. What was acceptable to express and what wasn't? How were boundaries set or were they, how was conflict resolved? What messages did you receive about your worth, your voice, your needs? Once you've identified these patterns, you can begin to consciously choose different responses. This is where the real work happens, and it's not easy. When we're triggered, we tend to default to our programming, the very patterns we're trying to break. I often tell my clients that breaking patterns requires a pause. In the heated moment. When you feel triggered, try to create just a tiny space between the trigger and your response. Even three deep breaths can be enough to shift from reactivity to responsiveness. I talk a lot about knowing the story and knowing the woman that you came from. This is part of it. Knowing the trigger, knowing exactly what's happening in the moment today to what's being triggered from your childhood and from your past. That's part of going through your story and part of going through your lineage when you know what you're trying to break, it becomes actually easier to break it. Versus just kind of shooting in the dark and trying to find this new parent, and you wanna be, when you're breaking the real things that are causing pain or making parenting more difficult, then you're actually gonna be on your way to being the parent you want to be. This is intentional work. This isn't guesswork. Cycle breakers aren't guessing. They're being intentional about everything that they're doing. So let's get practical. What do you do when you're in the midst of a triggered response? How do you manage these moments in the reality of busy everyday parenting? First, recognize the signs that you're being triggered. This might include physical sensations like heart racing, tightness in your chest, shallow breathing, maybe feeling suddenly flooded with emotion. Having thoughts like, here we go again. She always does this. Feeling an urge to withdraw or to control the situation. Hearing your mother's voice in your head, or maybe even coming outta your mouth when you notice these signs. Try these immediate strategies. One name what's happening. Simply saying to yourself, I'm feeling triggered right now. Create some distance between you and the reaction. You might even say it out loud. I'm having a big feeling right now, and I need a moment. Mommy's gonna take a moment. I'm gonna walk away for a few seconds. I, I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna help you clean up this mess. Number two, round yourself. Feel your feet on the floor. Notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This brings you back to the present moment. You may not have time or be in a place where you can do all five, but do what you can. So depending on where you are. If you can only notice things, notice five things you can see and name them. If it's easy to smell things, maybe you're outside. See what you smell or what you hear. So it doesn't have to be perfect in that you work with all five senses. Use the senses that makes sense for the moment that you're in. Number three, respond to your needs. Ask yourself, what do I need right now to respond from my wise adult self rather than my wounded child? Maybe I need to step away briefly, take a drink of water, or simply take a few deep breaths. Remember, cycle breaking is intentional work. It's not guesswork. Be intentional in the parent that you wanna be. Take a break when you need one. Repair when necessary. If you've reacted in a way that doesn't align with your values, repair with your child. This doesn't mean excessive apologies or shame. It might sound like I raised my voice earlier. I was feeling really frustrated, but how I spoke to you wasn't helpful. Next time, I'll try to use the calmer voice. Remember that managing triggers isn't about never getting triggered. It's about recovering more quickly and responding more skillfully over time. We're not gonna change the memories of your past. Those things happen to you. They were real and they're being triggered in the present moment. But the goal is that you become aware of it and you take those breaks between reaction and being the intentional parent that you wanna be. And that way it starts to become much easier. To be intentional and to be very reactive in the moment. I also want to normalize that certain parenting seasons can intensify triggers when we're sleep deprived, when our children hit challenging developmental stages during major life transitions. I. Or when we're under additional stress, our capacity to manage triggers may be reduced. This isn't a failure. It's just you being human during these seasons, focus on self-compassion and the bare minimum needed to maintain connection. Sometimes good enough. Parenting is truly good enough and the number one thing that our children need from us is to feel connected to us. So in the moments where you have very little to give focus on connection and let the rest come when you are in a better place. Creating new parenting patterns isn't just about managing individual triggered moments. It's about establishing entirely new ways of relating to your child that differ from what you experienced growing up. Here are some strategies for building new patterns. One, identify your parenting values. What kind of parent do you truly wanna be? What values are most important to you in your relationship with your child? Use these as your North Star when making parenting decisions. Look for parents who exemplify the qualities you wanna develop. These might be friends, relatives. Figures in your community or even characters in books or shows. Notice what they do differently and how you might incorporate these approaches. Three, practice new language patterns. Many of our triggered responses come out verbally. First, create a list of phrases you'd like to use instead of what you heard growing up. For example, instead of stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about, you might say, I see you're having big feelings. I'm here with you for create new family rituals. Established routines and rituals that promote the kind of connection and values you want in your family. These might include special time with each child. Family meetings where everyone's voice is heard, or ways of celebrating achievements that don't tie worth to accomplishments. Five. Use do-overs when you catch yourself falling into old patterns after the fact practice. Do-overs with your child. Can we try that again? When you ask for help and I said I was too busy. That didn't feel good for either of us. Let's see if we can do better. Ask me again so I can change my answer in the moment. I bet your child will feel a lot more connected to you to hear that. You messed up, but you fixed it. You didn't like what you said, but you took the time to correct it. This is also teaching them how to do that same thing with you. Now let's talk about some deeper tools for developing self-awareness and regulation around your triggers. These practices help build the foundation for responsive rather than reactive. Parenting, the trigger tracking method for one week, keep a simple journal of your triggers. Jot down what happened before you felt triggered what you felt in your body. Where you felt it in your body, what emotions came up, what you thought about in that moment, how you responded and what you wish you had done instead. This will help you identify patterns in your triggers and responses. You might notice certain times of the day are harder or specific behaviors from your child consistently activate you. Grounding techniques, our triggers live in our bodies, not just in our minds. Here are some immediate grounding techniques when you feel triggered. So the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique. Name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste hand on heart. Place one hand on your heart. Breathe deeply and say to yourself, I am safe. I am present in this moment. I can handle this a temperature change. Splash coat water on your face, or hold an ice cube in your hand. The temperature shift can quickly reset your nervous system. And the last one, root down. Feel your feet firmly on the ground. Notice the support of the earth beneath you. Even if you're wearing socks and shoes, like just pay attention to what your feet actually feel. Wiggle your toes a little bit, but really focus on what your feet are feeling and what they feel on the ground. Okay, I want to address a question that I received in my email. The writer asked to remain anonymous, and that I not say her name if I answered her question. In the podcast says, Brittany, I find myself triggered most often when my 6-year-old daughter expresses anger toward me when she says things like, I hate you, or You're the worst mom ever. I completely shut down. I know logically that this is normal kid behavior, but emotionally I feel devastated and then get cold and distant. I think it's because my own mother would give me the silent treatment when I express any negative feeling towards her. How do I break the cycle when these words feel so painful to hear? Thank you so much for this question. It's really insightful in showing great awareness that you've already made the connection between your reaction and your experience with your own mother. This is the first step. Without the awareness, no change will come. What's happening in these moments is that your daughter's words are activating your childhood wound of having your emotions met with withdrawal. Of love and connection. Your nervous system is responding to her words as a threat, putting you into freeze response that shut down an emotional distance you described. Here's what might help. First, create a mantra for these moments that remind you of the truth. Something like My daughter's big feelings aren't about my worth. As a mother, she needs help with her emotions, not punished for having them. Second, prepare a script for yourself that allows you to stay present while setting boundaries. Maybe something like. I hear that you're really angry right now. It's okay to feel angry, but I need you to express it without saying hurtful things. I'm gonna take a few deep breaths and then we can talk about what's going on after these incidents. Do some repair work with yourself. Acknowledge the pain that came up. Remind yourself that you're breaking a generational pattern and perhaps journal about what your inner child needed in that moment. Each time you respond differently than your mother did, you're not just healing your relationship with your daughter, you're healing your relationship with yourself. And you're reminding her that you are a safe person for all the big emotions she's gonna continue to have as she grows up. The I hate use right now are most likely pointing to the only word she knows how to use. So more conversation with her can teach her to express herself in deeper ways. So, I hate you, mom. Might just be, I'm really mad at you, mom. I really don't like that you said I couldn't do the thing I wanted to do. I'm really disappointed, or I'm really frustrated because I wanted to do this, but you said no. She probably needs more words and she's grasping at the first one she can think of, and that's to express anger with you. And for her, she's using the word hate. Dive deeper with her and get her talking because I'm sure there's a lot more under that. I hate you that she may just not have words for. As we close today's episode, I want to remind you that triggered responses in parenting aren't signs of failure. They're opportunities for healing. Every time you recognize a trigger, create a pause and choose a different response. You're doing the hard work of breaking cycles. This work isn't linear. You'll have days of beautiful connected parenting and days when you fall into old patterns. What matters is your commitment to awareness and growth, not perfection. Remember. That while you're healing your mother wound, you're also a mother in the trenches of raising children. This dual role is challenging, but it also offers unique opportunities for transformation. Your children will trigger your wounds precisely because they need you to heal them, not just for yourself, but for the generations that come after them. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.