1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:04,799 Welcome to New View Advice. I'm your host, Amanda Durocher, and I invite you to 2 00:00:04,799 --> 00:00:08,160 join me here each week as I offer advice on how to move through whatever 3 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:11,759 problem or trauma is holding you back from living life to the fullest. Let's get 4 00:00:11,759 --> 00:00:15,594 started. Hi, 5 00:00:15,594 --> 00:00:18,966 beautiful soul. My name is Amanda Durocher. And if you're new here, this is New 6 00:00:18,967 --> 00:00:22,715 View Advice. This is a healing centered advice podcast where I offer 7 00:00:22,715 --> 00:00:26,075 guidance for the healing journey. I don't believe I have all the answers you seek. 8 00:00:26,075 --> 00:00:28,634 I believe you have all the answers. You just may need a New View and 9 00:00:28,634 --> 00:00:31,880 a little help along the way. Thank you for joining me for today's episode. In 10 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:35,500 this episode, we are talking about how to forgive ourselves when we feel regret. 11 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:39,800 I think everyone here can relate to feeling regret over decision or action 12 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:43,205 in their life. All of us have made mistakes in which we could take an 13 00:00:43,205 --> 00:00:47,045 action back or handle a conversation differently or change something that has 14 00:00:47,045 --> 00:00:50,325 happened in the past. Sometimes we're able to move on quickly. We're able to say, 15 00:00:50,325 --> 00:00:54,085 oops, that was a mistake. Oops, I woulda handled that differently. But other times, 16 00:00:54,085 --> 00:00:57,510 these regrets won't go away, and they can end up feeling like heavy 17 00:00:57,510 --> 00:01:01,270 burdens that we live with. In this episode, I am answering a question from a 18 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:05,030 listener who is living with many regrets, and they've felt this way for many 19 00:01:05,030 --> 00:01:08,790 months now, and they're having trouble moving on. And one of these regrets 20 00:01:08,790 --> 00:01:12,495 includes feeling regret for telling the truth. I think this is a great 21 00:01:12,495 --> 00:01:16,175 question because I've actually had a few conversations this week about 22 00:01:16,175 --> 00:01:20,015 truth, when to tell the truth, and feeling regret after telling the truth. So 23 00:01:20,015 --> 00:01:23,695 we're gonna talk all about that today. My intention for this episode is to assist 24 00:01:23,695 --> 00:01:27,460 you in forgiving yourself and letting go of regret, learning how to process 25 00:01:27,460 --> 00:01:31,299 the difficult feelings that often go with regret, such as guilt, shame, and 26 00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:34,820 more, and to help you to be kinder to yourself as you navigate these 27 00:01:34,820 --> 00:01:38,580 regrets. Before we jump into today's listener question, I wanted to 28 00:01:38,580 --> 00:01:41,485 mention that if you haven't checked out my website yet, I invite you to check 29 00:01:41,485 --> 00:01:45,165 it out after this episode for more free resources for the healing journey, including 30 00:01:45,165 --> 00:01:48,845 journal prompts, meditations, and more. You can find all 31 00:01:48,845 --> 00:01:50,465 things newbie advice at newviewadvice.com/107. 32 00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:58,580 So with that, let's jump on into talking about regret. 33 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:08,400 I went to another state for a work trip this summer and downloaded a dating 34 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:11,745 app there to meet new people. I matched with a guy who I had an 35 00:02:11,745 --> 00:02:15,345 instant connection with and we fell in love. We were so obsessed with each other 36 00:02:15,345 --> 00:02:18,625 and I practically lived with him for the 2 months I was there. But because 37 00:02:18,625 --> 00:02:22,080 I wasn't looking for anything long term, I was meeting other people on the side. 38 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,600 We told each other that we would be physically exclusive, but I didn't keep that 39 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:28,560 promise from my end, and I lied to him. At the end of my work 40 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,680 trip, we decided that we were going to try long distance, but he had his 41 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,415 suspicions of what I was up to during our time together. I felt so guilty 42 00:02:35,474 --> 00:02:38,114 for what I had done behind his back and for lying to him that I 43 00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:41,875 came clean about everything. He told me that I was a horrible person and that 44 00:02:41,875 --> 00:02:45,314 he didn't love me anymore and had no desire for a future with me after 45 00:02:45,314 --> 00:02:49,080 learning the truth. It's been a few months since then, and I'm still devastated. 46 00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:52,820 And I've seen that he's moved on, has new friends, and is living a fulfilling 47 00:02:52,820 --> 00:02:56,420 life. I'm happy for him, but I'm shattered knowing I could've been a part of 48 00:02:56,420 --> 00:03:00,100 that had I not messed up so horribly. Because this caused such a special 49 00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:03,525 bond in my life to break, I'm regretting telling him the truth even though I 50 00:03:03,525 --> 00:03:06,405 knew it was the right thing to do. How do I understand that telling the 51 00:03:06,405 --> 00:03:10,005 truth was ultimately the right decision? And how do I get past my 52 00:03:10,005 --> 00:03:13,845 guilt, shame, self hatred, and the grief of losing someone so special because 53 00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:17,110 of my actions? How do I remind myself that I am worthy of love and 54 00:03:17,110 --> 00:03:20,790 will have a special connection again? Thank you so much for this question. I think 55 00:03:20,790 --> 00:03:24,390 this is a great question that I know so many people can relate to. As 56 00:03:24,390 --> 00:03:28,035 I mentioned in the intro, I think everybody can relate to feeling regret 57 00:03:28,035 --> 00:03:31,475 throughout their life. So I just wanna honor that for you and for anyone else 58 00:03:31,475 --> 00:03:35,315 feeling regret right now and feeling burdened by those regrets. And I just 59 00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:39,075 wanna take a minute to honor you. I think that to me, it sounds like 60 00:03:39,075 --> 00:03:42,870 you're incredibly hard on yourself. You were called a horrible person and then throughout the 61 00:03:42,870 --> 00:03:46,470 question you called yourself a horrible person. You are not a horrible 62 00:03:46,470 --> 00:03:49,690 person. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes. 63 00:03:50,150 --> 00:03:53,670 And mistakes can be especially hard when we hurt someone 64 00:03:53,670 --> 00:03:57,435 else. And it sounds like you hurt somebody who you had very strong 65 00:03:57,435 --> 00:04:01,275 feelings for. And that is not easy, but it 66 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:05,035 does not make you a horrible person. You are not defined by one moment 67 00:04:05,035 --> 00:04:08,395 in time, and we'll talk more about that. But you are not 68 00:04:08,395 --> 00:04:12,200 defined by that moment. And I think that it says a lot about 69 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:15,640 you that you're looking to grow from this experience, that you're being self reflective about 70 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:19,020 this experience, that you're learning more about yourself from this experience. 71 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,920 That's really all we can ask of ourselves when tough 72 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:26,665 things happen is how can we grow from this. So much of life 73 00:04:26,665 --> 00:04:30,025 is a perspective shift. You know, we either feel like life is happening to us 74 00:04:30,025 --> 00:04:33,865 or we're cocreating with life and we're like, okay. I'm here. I'm showing up. 75 00:04:33,865 --> 00:04:36,265 Show me how I can grow from this. Show me how I can change. Show 76 00:04:36,265 --> 00:04:39,245 me what I can learn. Show me how I can show up better next time. 77 00:04:39,545 --> 00:04:43,210 And that's all okay. I think that especially 78 00:04:43,210 --> 00:04:46,990 when we're young, we want to just be perfect, 79 00:04:47,449 --> 00:04:50,889 and we expect ourselves to act really well. And if we don't, then we punish 80 00:04:50,889 --> 00:04:54,650 ourselves. And when you get older, you just learn that life is 81 00:04:54,650 --> 00:04:58,325 full of mistakes. Nobody's perfect, and you're able to 82 00:04:58,325 --> 00:05:02,165 offer yourself more grace. So here, I just want to invite you 83 00:05:02,165 --> 00:05:05,865 to offer yourself more grace because you do not deserve to be burdened 84 00:05:05,925 --> 00:05:09,605 by this mistake for your entire life. So you've described 85 00:05:09,605 --> 00:05:13,080 here feeling some really hard feelings such as guilt, 86 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:16,760 shame, self hatred, and grief. It's a lot of 87 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:20,380 heaviness that you're feeling. Take a moment to honor 88 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,040 how hard all those feelings are. Guilt, shame, 89 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,645 self hatred, and grief. I have felt all those 90 00:05:27,645 --> 00:05:31,485 feelings throughout my life and those are really heavy 91 00:05:31,485 --> 00:05:35,085 feelings to have. And to have all of those at once bubbling to the 92 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:38,860 surface, oof, be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Most people 93 00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:42,539 who feel those feelings shove them down. They shove them deep into their soul, 94 00:05:42,539 --> 00:05:46,380 into their body, and they refuse to look at them. You are here looking 95 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:50,060 to be intentional. So part of being intentional about looking at 96 00:05:50,060 --> 00:05:53,384 difficult feelings like that is being kind to yourself and understanding 97 00:05:54,324 --> 00:05:58,164 that the work you're doing, the inner work is work and that it takes 98 00:05:58,164 --> 00:06:01,844 time but that it's also you're doing something. Right? So many of us who do 99 00:06:01,844 --> 00:06:04,645 inner work feel like, oh my god, I'm not doing anything because it's all internal. 100 00:06:04,645 --> 00:06:08,010 It's not external. At least that's how I've felt throughout my life. And I want 101 00:06:08,010 --> 00:06:11,130 you to take a moment to slow down and honor that and make sure you're 102 00:06:11,130 --> 00:06:14,890 taking care of yourself throughout this period. Are you getting enough sleep? Are 103 00:06:14,890 --> 00:06:18,650 you eating well? Are you exercising? Those sound like such basic things, 104 00:06:18,650 --> 00:06:22,365 but when we're doing inner work, it's so important to take care of ourselves 105 00:06:22,665 --> 00:06:26,185 because it will help you to be kind to yourself and to 106 00:06:26,185 --> 00:06:29,945 remember you are not a horrible person when you go back to basics and you 107 00:06:29,945 --> 00:06:33,625 take care of yourself. And so I also wanna mention here 108 00:06:33,625 --> 00:06:37,430 that in your question you mentioned that he is all happy now and 109 00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:41,270 he's living this fulfilling life. One thing that I think is another way to 110 00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:44,790 take care of yourself and to help your mental health here because it sounds like 111 00:06:44,790 --> 00:06:48,390 your mental health might be impacted because our mental health is always impacted by 112 00:06:48,390 --> 00:06:52,064 heavy emotions such as self hatred that leads to a lot of negative self talk. 113 00:06:52,125 --> 00:06:55,724 And one thing that may help you is to set some social media boundaries. I 114 00:06:55,724 --> 00:06:59,085 mentioned this in a lot of episodes, but social media is not real 115 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:02,790 life. I had a hell of a past couple years. 116 00:07:02,870 --> 00:07:05,590 I talk about it all the time on the podcast. I'm only mentioning that because 117 00:07:05,590 --> 00:07:09,370 I could get on social media, and I could make my life look so good. 118 00:07:09,670 --> 00:07:13,510 I've traveled all over the world. I've gone to places that people dream 119 00:07:13,510 --> 00:07:16,950 about going over the past couple years. I could make it look like my life 120 00:07:16,950 --> 00:07:20,735 has been so good. It hasn't been. It's been really, really hard. And 121 00:07:20,735 --> 00:07:24,495 I say that because social media is not real and people choose and curate 122 00:07:24,495 --> 00:07:28,014 their feed to look the way they want it to look, which is 123 00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:31,775 totally fine. There's no judgment. We just have to remember when we're looking at it 124 00:07:31,775 --> 00:07:35,190 that we're not seeing the full picture of somebody's life. And 125 00:07:35,190 --> 00:07:38,870 so he may look happy. He may be happy. He may not be 126 00:07:38,870 --> 00:07:42,490 happy. But it sounds like the regrets for you are building 127 00:07:42,950 --> 00:07:46,790 by seeing these pictures of him and creating stories because 128 00:07:46,790 --> 00:07:50,565 that's what it is. When we see somebody's social media feed and we make judgments 129 00:07:50,625 --> 00:07:54,245 about their life based on that feed, we're actually writing a story 130 00:07:54,544 --> 00:07:58,224 that may or may not be true. When I read that in 131 00:07:58,224 --> 00:08:01,745 your question, the mentioning of how his life looks really happy 132 00:08:01,745 --> 00:08:05,350 now, I was reminded of that song breaking up was easy in the nineties 133 00:08:05,410 --> 00:08:08,290 by Sam Hunt. I don't know if you've heard it. It's a country song. But 134 00:08:08,290 --> 00:08:11,590 the song's all about how it must have been easier 135 00:08:11,730 --> 00:08:15,090 before we went on these rabbit holes of seeing what people are up to, before 136 00:08:15,090 --> 00:08:18,915 social media, before the Internet, before you could just see pictures of how happy 137 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:22,275 somebody looks. Must have been easier to go through breakups. And I agree with that. 138 00:08:22,275 --> 00:08:25,715 I bet it was. And I invite you to set boundaries with 139 00:08:25,715 --> 00:08:29,495 yourself. It sounds like you and this person are no longer in contact. 140 00:08:29,890 --> 00:08:33,490 So I think it's okay for you to block them, to unfollow them. I know 141 00:08:33,490 --> 00:08:37,169 that that can be really hard, but I really think that 142 00:08:37,169 --> 00:08:40,630 it's important for us to disengage 143 00:08:40,850 --> 00:08:44,290 from those type of triggers that are just gonna make you feel worse as you're 144 00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:48,084 healing. Imagine you had a broken bone. You wouldn't constantly 145 00:08:48,464 --> 00:08:52,305 irritate that bone and hit that bone. You would allow it to heal. 146 00:08:52,305 --> 00:08:56,145 You would give it space and time in order to heal. And so I think 147 00:08:56,145 --> 00:08:59,985 it's the same way when we're healing from breakups is it's okay to 148 00:08:59,985 --> 00:09:03,070 disengage from the person you used to be with. It doesn't mean you have to 149 00:09:03,070 --> 00:09:06,830 disengage forever either. Maybe you just need a social media break and 150 00:09:06,830 --> 00:09:10,110 you need to disengage your accounts for a little bit. I rarely go on social 151 00:09:10,110 --> 00:09:13,950 media at this point. I found it incredibly unhelpful for my mental 152 00:09:13,950 --> 00:09:17,615 health. I was constantly comparing myself to everyone else. And 153 00:09:17,615 --> 00:09:21,375 now that I'm not on it, never been happier. So I'm personally 154 00:09:21,375 --> 00:09:25,134 a fan of setting boundaries with social media. So I just wanted to mention 155 00:09:25,134 --> 00:09:28,894 that up front here because I think having these pictures front of 156 00:09:28,894 --> 00:09:32,140 mind and seeing what this person's up to 157 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:36,120 is contributing to your feelings of regret. So now I 158 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,560 wanna talk about your question. How do you begin to understand that telling the truth 159 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:43,240 was ultimately the right decision? And I think in your case, 160 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:47,085 telling the truth was the right decision because you know that it was for you. 161 00:09:47,085 --> 00:09:49,725 You said that in your question. You know that it was the right decision for 162 00:09:49,725 --> 00:09:53,325 you, and I think it's telling that you felt guilty before because it meant 163 00:09:53,325 --> 00:09:56,865 that your heart and your body were feeling guilty. You would've 164 00:09:56,925 --> 00:10:00,540 continued to feel guilty if you had never told the truth. So say you were 165 00:10:00,540 --> 00:10:03,740 in that life right now, you were in those photos, you would be living with 166 00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:07,580 this regret still. Right? You would regret what you had done and not telling 167 00:10:07,580 --> 00:10:11,260 the truth. So to me, it sounds like the situation where damned if you 168 00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:14,480 do, damned if you don't, where you were going to feel guilty 169 00:10:15,155 --> 00:10:18,835 and likely feel these feelings of regret either way. And I 170 00:10:18,835 --> 00:10:22,515 wanted to honor you here because you chose to do a difficult thing. You 171 00:10:22,515 --> 00:10:26,135 chose to tell the truth, and that is often very 172 00:10:26,195 --> 00:10:30,010 difficult in a situation like this. Not everybody would choose to tell 173 00:10:30,010 --> 00:10:33,370 the truth. And you knew that your heart was telling you to tell the 174 00:10:33,370 --> 00:10:36,970 truth. I want you to honor that. I want you to not punish your heart 175 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:40,649 for asking you to do something difficult. Because oftentimes our 176 00:10:40,649 --> 00:10:44,305 hearts do encourage us to do difficult things because that's where we 177 00:10:44,305 --> 00:10:47,985 grow. That's where we learn. That's where we become the people we 178 00:10:47,985 --> 00:10:51,825 desire to be. You know? When I think about who I desire to 179 00:10:51,825 --> 00:10:55,025 be, it's not an external thing. I don't desire to be a millionaire or I 180 00:10:55,025 --> 00:10:58,645 don't desire to be famous or I don't desire these external things. 181 00:10:58,790 --> 00:11:02,390 I desire to be a good person. I desire to go to bed at 182 00:11:02,390 --> 00:11:05,750 night and know that I did my best. I desire to feel 183 00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:09,430 creative. And for me to feel creative, I have to feel like I'm enough. I 184 00:11:09,430 --> 00:11:13,065 have to feel like I'm worthy. I have to love myself. My 185 00:11:13,065 --> 00:11:16,825 creativity comes from a love of self. And I love myself when I 186 00:11:16,825 --> 00:11:20,505 am aligned with who I desire to be, not with the 187 00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:24,025 mistakes of my past. Not by making decisions from a wounded 188 00:11:24,025 --> 00:11:27,840 fearful place, but making decisions from a loving place. It's taken me a 189 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:31,540 long time to get here and I've gotten here by 1 by 1 190 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:35,360 making difficult choices, having difficult conversations, and 191 00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:39,040 again and again forgiving myself for the mistakes I have 192 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:42,885 made. And I think here, something that happened, that happens a 193 00:11:42,885 --> 00:11:46,645 lot of times when we tell the truth, is that you told the truth and 194 00:11:46,645 --> 00:11:50,485 then by being honest you were left feeling like the bad guy. You felt like 195 00:11:50,485 --> 00:11:54,199 you were punished for doing the right thing. And I want you to know 196 00:11:54,199 --> 00:11:57,740 you're not alone in this. This is something I've talked about with many people, 197 00:11:58,279 --> 00:12:02,120 and this is something that's also true for trauma survivors. I know 198 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,879 there's a lot of trauma survivors here who listen to the podcast. And I wanna 199 00:12:05,879 --> 00:12:09,595 honor this because I watched a bunch of documentaries this summer about 200 00:12:09,595 --> 00:12:13,115 sexual assault and sexual violence and what I was 201 00:12:13,115 --> 00:12:16,875 struck by was how many people said, I 202 00:12:16,875 --> 00:12:20,475 told the truth and then I was punished. And that is 203 00:12:20,475 --> 00:12:24,090 so often what happens when people tell the truth because 204 00:12:24,090 --> 00:12:27,790 they're telling somebody what they don't wanna hear or they're disrupting 205 00:12:27,930 --> 00:12:31,770 a norm. And in your situation, you told the truth because 206 00:12:31,770 --> 00:12:35,530 you knew that in order to build a better relationship with 207 00:12:35,530 --> 00:12:39,055 this person, you wanted to have it built on trust. 208 00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:43,515 You wanted it to be built on honesty. And you knew that there 209 00:12:43,515 --> 00:12:47,115 was a crack in the foundation and in order to repair that crack you had 210 00:12:47,115 --> 00:12:50,795 to tell the truth. And then it kind of blows up in your face when 211 00:12:50,795 --> 00:12:54,490 he doesn't forgive you. And, unfortunately, that sometimes happens 212 00:12:54,490 --> 00:12:58,250 when we choose to tell the truth. Sometimes it doesn't go the way we 213 00:12:58,250 --> 00:13:02,089 want because the other person does not like our truth or they have 214 00:13:02,089 --> 00:13:05,690 free will to choose a different way. And, this makes me think of the sentiment 215 00:13:05,690 --> 00:13:09,524 that people say the truth will set you free. And the truth is that the 216 00:13:09,524 --> 00:13:12,564 truth will not always set you free. It does not always feel that way that 217 00:13:12,564 --> 00:13:16,404 the truth will set you free. At least it's not immediate. But 218 00:13:16,404 --> 00:13:19,925 I do think the truth sets us free. What that statement really 219 00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:23,750 means is that when we feel called to tell our truth, it may lead 220 00:13:23,750 --> 00:13:27,510 us down another windy path, but in the 221 00:13:27,510 --> 00:13:30,890 end, we will have that self respect and that self love 222 00:13:31,190 --> 00:13:34,815 from being truthful and aligned with who we are. But it's not always 223 00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:38,334 easy to tell the truth. As I mentioned, it's often a difficult choice. So again, 224 00:13:38,334 --> 00:13:42,095 I just really ask you to honor yourself here and the decision you made 225 00:13:42,095 --> 00:13:45,695 instead of punishing yourself. You are who is punishing you 226 00:13:45,695 --> 00:13:49,350 now. You're beating yourself up for it with 227 00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:53,029 the replaying in your head of the regrets rather than accepting 228 00:13:53,570 --> 00:13:57,009 that this person is no longer in your life. And I don't mean that 229 00:13:57,009 --> 00:14:00,815 harshly. I just mean that you made a mistake and you 230 00:14:00,815 --> 00:14:04,495 owned up to that mistake, which is honorable. But that does not always 231 00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:08,095 go the way we want it to, which is why so many people would choose 232 00:14:08,095 --> 00:14:11,775 a different choice. But again, you are aligning with who you want to 233 00:14:11,775 --> 00:14:15,550 be. And in your next relationship, which spoiler alert, yes, you are 234 00:14:15,550 --> 00:14:19,070 worthy of love. Yes, you will find love. And in your next relationship, you will 235 00:14:19,070 --> 00:14:21,870 be able to show up in that relationship in a new way and in a 236 00:14:21,870 --> 00:14:25,630 more mature way. Because that's really what's happening here is you're growing and you're becoming 237 00:14:25,630 --> 00:14:29,014 more mature. You know, your question reminded me of a friendship I had to end 238 00:14:29,014 --> 00:14:32,214 this summer. I had to be honest with somebody that the friendship was not serving 239 00:14:32,214 --> 00:14:35,495 me, and it came out of left field for them. They were very surprised. They 240 00:14:35,495 --> 00:14:39,014 were very hurt. And I felt really guilty before I told 241 00:14:39,014 --> 00:14:42,519 them. I felt really guilty after. I I thought the truth was gonna set me 242 00:14:42,519 --> 00:14:46,199 free and I was gonna feel a burden lifted the minute I told this 243 00:14:46,199 --> 00:14:49,720 person I couldn't be friends with them anymore. That was not the case. I felt 244 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:53,560 really bad. I felt like a horrible person. I felt like I did 245 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:57,045 this horrible thing and that I broke this person's heart and it was all my 246 00:14:57,045 --> 00:15:00,725 fault. And I had to over and over again remind 247 00:15:00,725 --> 00:15:04,565 myself that I ended the friendship even though it was really hard 248 00:15:04,565 --> 00:15:08,245 because it was the right thing to do. That in order for 249 00:15:08,245 --> 00:15:11,350 me to show up each day and love myself, I had to be truthful about 250 00:15:11,350 --> 00:15:14,069 this relationship. And, yes, my heart asked me to do something hard, and it would've 251 00:15:14,069 --> 00:15:17,589 been easier to ghost this person or it would've been easier to continue a wishy 252 00:15:17,589 --> 00:15:19,290 washy friendship where 253 00:15:23,875 --> 00:15:27,635 I wasn't honest with this person. That probably would've been easier. But in the long 254 00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:31,255 run, it wouldn't have been easier. It would've been harder and more burdensome 255 00:15:31,475 --> 00:15:35,075 on me. And that guilt and those feelings of 256 00:15:35,075 --> 00:15:38,615 being in a friendship that wasn't serving me, that would've kept building 257 00:15:38,835 --> 00:15:42,639 on me. I share that because it was a hard situation. I had 258 00:15:42,639 --> 00:15:46,160 to move through all the feelings that went with it. But it was the right 259 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,600 choice, and how I forgave myself for that 260 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:53,060 situation was seeing the whole situation clearly. 261 00:15:53,375 --> 00:15:56,975 So that's what I want to talk about next is how can we forgive 262 00:15:56,975 --> 00:16:00,595 ourselves. And oftentimes, self forgiveness comes in layers. 263 00:16:00,975 --> 00:16:04,334 I've found that true forgiveness isn't like a switch we can turn on and 264 00:16:04,334 --> 00:16:07,774 off. It comes when we are truly ready to let go of the 265 00:16:07,774 --> 00:16:11,290 past and the mistakes that we've made. And forgiveness is 266 00:16:11,290 --> 00:16:15,130 much easier and it comes easier when we understand why 267 00:16:15,130 --> 00:16:18,970 we did what we did and why we feel the way we feel. So, I 268 00:16:18,970 --> 00:16:22,810 invite you to really become aware of why this situation played out the way 269 00:16:22,810 --> 00:16:26,545 it did. Why did you say you would be physically exclusive and then 270 00:16:26,545 --> 00:16:30,385 continue being physical with other people? I know you likely feel really bad 271 00:16:30,385 --> 00:16:34,065 about this. It sounds like you've had some shame around the situation, but I 272 00:16:34,065 --> 00:16:37,829 invite you to be curious with yourself. Be honest with yourself. If you 273 00:16:37,829 --> 00:16:41,509 wanna be an honest person, it often starts with being honest 274 00:16:41,509 --> 00:16:45,350 with you first. So many of us lie to ourselves about why we do 275 00:16:45,350 --> 00:16:49,029 the things we do. We live in denial of how our actions impact others and 276 00:16:49,029 --> 00:16:52,410 the consequences because we are often denying a truth within us. 277 00:16:52,695 --> 00:16:56,295 And this truth could be a fear of getting hurt. It could be a 278 00:16:56,295 --> 00:16:59,655 fear of getting hurt first. So maybe you're physical with other 279 00:16:59,655 --> 00:17:03,435 people because if he was keeping the door open, so were you. 280 00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:07,494 Or maybe you have a fear of vulnerability or maybe you've experienced trauma 281 00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:11,230 in the past. But begin to become curious about why this 282 00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:14,190 situation played out the way it did. If I'm to bring it back to the 283 00:17:14,190 --> 00:17:17,950 friendship example, I found myself in a friendship that really wasn't 284 00:17:17,950 --> 00:17:21,730 serving me and I had to ask myself how I ended up there. 285 00:17:22,135 --> 00:17:25,915 How did I end up in this friendship that just wasn't good for me? 286 00:17:26,135 --> 00:17:29,975 And the truth was, I met this person when I was really lonely and 287 00:17:29,975 --> 00:17:33,735 I wasn't very intentional about going into the friendship and 288 00:17:33,735 --> 00:17:36,535 I had to see that. I had to see that there were red flags from 289 00:17:36,535 --> 00:17:40,120 the beginning, but because I was feeling lonely at the time, 290 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:43,500 I ignored the red flags. I also saw that this person 291 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,559 was very similar to a family member I have. So I 292 00:17:47,559 --> 00:17:51,240 had taken on this role in this friendship that I had also been playing in 293 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:55,025 a family structure, And it wasn't until I looked at that role in my 294 00:17:55,025 --> 00:17:58,165 family structure of feeling less than to someone 295 00:17:58,625 --> 00:18:02,305 that I saw this pattern so clearly in this friendship, and I 296 00:18:02,305 --> 00:18:05,779 realized I had to let this friendship go. But throughout this process 297 00:18:06,159 --> 00:18:09,840 of breaking up with this friend and ending this friendship, I had to forgive myself 298 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:13,440 over and over again because I had to see that many of the 299 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:17,120 decisions I made were unconscious and I wasn't able to make new 300 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:20,595 decisions until I was conscious. And that's so often 301 00:18:20,815 --> 00:18:24,255 what happens in our life. When we make mistakes, often times we are acting from 302 00:18:24,255 --> 00:18:28,015 an unconscious place, an unintentional place. We weren't thinking about 303 00:18:28,015 --> 00:18:31,635 the consequences of our actions and so we have to forgive ourselves 304 00:18:31,775 --> 00:18:35,450 for that. And we have to be kind to ourselves like we would be to 305 00:18:35,450 --> 00:18:39,230 someone outside of us and say to ourselves, hey, that was a mistake. 306 00:18:39,530 --> 00:18:42,830 But it's okay. You didn't know better in that moment. 307 00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:47,070 You may have thought you should have, but for x, y, and z 308 00:18:47,305 --> 00:18:51,065 you didn't know better. Or maybe, hey, we did know better, 309 00:18:51,065 --> 00:18:54,905 but we chose this out of fear. And by becoming curious and bringing 310 00:18:54,905 --> 00:18:58,365 awareness to the situation, you're going to be able to 311 00:18:58,825 --> 00:19:02,425 see it with a bigger perspective, witness it rather than feel 312 00:19:02,425 --> 00:19:05,929 like you're really in it. You know, that's what awareness does. It creates a 313 00:19:05,929 --> 00:19:09,530 witness perspective where we're able to see ourselves in a new way. 314 00:19:09,530 --> 00:19:13,130 Rather than feel consumed by our thoughts, we're able to take a step back 315 00:19:13,130 --> 00:19:16,905 and see the situation, like I said, from a bigger perspective. And so I 316 00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:20,345 find that that really helps with forgiveness. And so when you're 317 00:19:20,345 --> 00:19:24,185 becoming curious with yourself about why this situation played out the way 318 00:19:24,185 --> 00:19:27,945 it did, why you were lying, why you were physical with someone else, the 319 00:19:27,945 --> 00:19:31,550 things you feel regret about, I invite you to become curious with yourself 320 00:19:31,610 --> 00:19:35,370 if you have played out these patterns before. For example, in 321 00:19:35,370 --> 00:19:39,050 my life, as a trauma survivor, one of my coping strategies is 322 00:19:39,050 --> 00:19:42,705 escapism. So what that means is is I find ways to 323 00:19:42,784 --> 00:19:46,304 escape my life, to run from my life, to flight from my life. It's a 324 00:19:46,304 --> 00:19:49,904 fight or flight response. And I mention this here because so many 325 00:19:49,904 --> 00:19:53,284 times when this escapism comes up, I have to become 326 00:19:53,345 --> 00:19:57,070 aware. I have not always been aware of this. Okay? I still 327 00:19:57,070 --> 00:20:00,450 struggle with becoming aware of my escapism tendencies. 328 00:20:01,070 --> 00:20:04,830 So, for example, this summer, I talked about in last week's episode, I was 329 00:20:04,830 --> 00:20:08,430 feeling very trapped in my life, and it was a trauma response showing 330 00:20:08,430 --> 00:20:12,184 me a few things I had to look at. But throughout that whole process, 331 00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:15,605 I wanted to get in my car and run away. I wanted to move to 332 00:20:15,605 --> 00:20:19,385 Mount Shasta, give up all my responsibilities over and over again. 333 00:20:19,605 --> 00:20:22,805 I honestly almost did. I had to be talked off a ledge by my therapist 334 00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:26,380 multiple times. And it's funny because I had this 335 00:20:26,380 --> 00:20:30,139 urge to self sabotage my life over and over again. My life 336 00:20:30,139 --> 00:20:33,740 here in Scottsdale, that's where I live, is really good. I have a yoga 337 00:20:33,740 --> 00:20:37,360 studio I love. I have a home I love. I have a loving partner. 338 00:20:37,965 --> 00:20:41,405 I have friendships. I'm on the board of a nonprofit for sexual assault 339 00:20:41,405 --> 00:20:45,005 survivors. I'm just gonna drop here. If you're in the Scottsdale Phoenix 340 00:20:45,005 --> 00:20:48,765 area, check us out. Surviversrise.com. We host a lot of events here. 341 00:20:48,765 --> 00:20:51,885 Moving on. But I share this because I wanted to run for my life and 342 00:20:51,885 --> 00:20:55,410 I had to be so conscious not to. And I have had to 343 00:20:55,410 --> 00:20:59,030 forgive myself for that. And that when things get really good, 344 00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:03,010 my instinct is to get up and run. There have been times 345 00:21:03,010 --> 00:21:06,130 that I have had to forgive myself for that tendency. You know, when I was 346 00:21:06,130 --> 00:21:09,434 in my twenties, I used to do that in relation and in friendships. If friendships 347 00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:12,795 got hard, I just ran. I just ghosted them. I just didn't speak to these 348 00:21:12,795 --> 00:21:16,235 people anymore. I share this here because there are times where I could just judge 349 00:21:16,235 --> 00:21:18,875 myself and be like, oh my god. I can't believe you abandoned that person. I 350 00:21:18,875 --> 00:21:22,335 can't believe you just stopped talking to that person. You're a horrible person, Amanda. 351 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:26,720 Or I can say, dang. Why did I do that? Why did that 352 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:30,560 friendship end that way? I've had to forgive myself time and time again for many 353 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:34,240 mistakes I have made, but it is through forgiving myself and 354 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,784 looking at my mistakes that I grow and learn. I forgive myself for 355 00:21:37,784 --> 00:21:41,385 those moments where I fall short of who I quote unquote think I should 356 00:21:41,385 --> 00:21:45,225 be. Because this brings me back to you're not a horrible person and 357 00:21:45,225 --> 00:21:49,065 you may have been called a horrible person, but nobody but you gets to 358 00:21:49,065 --> 00:21:52,740 define you And, no one moment in time defines you. 359 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,560 And, he may always view you as a horrible person. That's a 360 00:21:56,560 --> 00:22:00,320 hard truth about life. I look back at life and there were moments 361 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:03,840 when I drank too much where I'm like, those people are always gonna hate me 362 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:07,265 or they're always gonna think I'm a hot mess. That's not 363 00:22:07,265 --> 00:22:11,105 true. That's not true for me, but they may always think that about me. And, 364 00:22:11,105 --> 00:22:14,625 I can either torture myself by thinking, oh my god, what do these people think 365 00:22:14,625 --> 00:22:18,240 about me? Or, I can focus on what do I think about me? Who am 366 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,920 I every day? What actions do I take to show myself daily 367 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:25,060 that I am not a horrible person? And oftentimes 368 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,980 this feeling of being horrible can also go back to childhood, 369 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:33,105 feeling like we weren't enough to our parents or in school or with friends 370 00:22:33,105 --> 00:22:36,945 at that age. So I invite you to get curious with yourself and really look 371 00:22:36,945 --> 00:22:40,784 at if the feelings you're having now stem back farther. The 372 00:22:40,784 --> 00:22:44,625 last thing I wanna share is that the most important thing, as always, is please 373 00:22:44,625 --> 00:22:48,330 be kind and compassionate with yourself. You do not deserve to hold onto 374 00:22:48,330 --> 00:22:51,850 this forever. As I've said so many times throughout this episode we all make 375 00:22:51,850 --> 00:22:55,290 mistakes and you do not deserve to berate yourself or punish 376 00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:58,910 yourself. Let yourself off the hook for this one. Be kind to yourself. 377 00:22:59,245 --> 00:23:02,765 You have to allow yourself to feel all your feelings, to be honest with 378 00:23:02,765 --> 00:23:06,524 yourself, and if you choose you can learn from this, but 379 00:23:06,524 --> 00:23:10,284 you also have to allow yourself to let this go. You do 380 00:23:10,284 --> 00:23:13,885 not deserve to carry this burden forever. You are a beautiful 381 00:23:13,885 --> 00:23:17,500 soul. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. It makes me sad 382 00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:21,100 that the self reflective people and the empathic people in the world are 383 00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:24,940 often the people who beat themselves up the most. There are so many people 384 00:23:24,940 --> 00:23:28,695 who don't choose to learn from things. They just keep playing out the same 385 00:23:28,695 --> 00:23:32,235 patterns or they keep hurting people and they don't care about the consequences. 386 00:23:33,095 --> 00:23:36,775 You do. That says a lot about you. It says a lot 387 00:23:36,775 --> 00:23:40,215 about your heart. It says a lot about the person you're going to grow and 388 00:23:40,215 --> 00:23:43,310 to be. That's what life is. It's about growing. 389 00:23:43,930 --> 00:23:47,770 We never stop. Isn't that so cool? We can learn and change and 390 00:23:47,770 --> 00:23:51,530 grow throughout our entire life. That's exciting. We put so 391 00:23:51,530 --> 00:23:55,310 much pressure on ourselves to be perfect right now, forever. 392 00:23:56,145 --> 00:23:59,825 Ah. Oh my gosh. What pressure? To live our whole 393 00:23:59,825 --> 00:24:03,665 existence perfect? Oh my gosh. I can't even handle that 394 00:24:03,665 --> 00:24:07,105 pressure. I won't be tensed even saying that. I am so 395 00:24:07,105 --> 00:24:10,830 imperfect. And that's what makes life interesting. So really be 396 00:24:10,830 --> 00:24:14,670 kind to yourself. Offer yourself grace. Offer yourself compassion. When healing from 397 00:24:14,670 --> 00:24:18,270 regrets and forgiving ourselves, we want to balance that 398 00:24:18,270 --> 00:24:22,050 self awareness, being curious, feeling those feelings with 399 00:24:22,190 --> 00:24:25,915 kindness and kind words to ourselves, encouraging ourselves we're not 400 00:24:25,915 --> 00:24:29,695 horrible people, telling ourselves who we do want to be, reminding ourselves 401 00:24:29,755 --> 00:24:33,515 that what we see on the internet isn't necessarily true, and 402 00:24:33,515 --> 00:24:36,955 my mantra that I held onto all summer is that I will not always feel 403 00:24:36,955 --> 00:24:40,650 this way. So when you find those hard feelings come up, just remind yourself, I 404 00:24:40,650 --> 00:24:44,110 will not always feel this way. I will not always be here. 405 00:24:44,330 --> 00:24:47,770 This too shall pass. And, before I wrap up this 406 00:24:47,770 --> 00:24:51,210 question, I just want to remind you that you are worthy of love. 407 00:24:51,210 --> 00:24:54,815 Everyone is worthy of love. And you will 100% have another 408 00:24:54,815 --> 00:24:58,495 special connection. I have no doubt. So if that helps you, know 409 00:24:58,495 --> 00:25:02,274 that Amanda has no doubt for you. And the next time you enter a relationship, 410 00:25:02,335 --> 00:25:06,174 you won't be carrying around this guilt. You'll be more self confident, self 411 00:25:06,174 --> 00:25:09,940 assured. You'll know your own strength because you'll see a challenge 412 00:25:09,940 --> 00:25:13,700 you overcame. You know, that's another thing about mistakes is that 413 00:25:13,700 --> 00:25:17,240 we build strength. We build self respect. We build self esteem 414 00:25:17,539 --> 00:25:21,299 because we see ourselves overcome challenges. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's 415 00:25:21,299 --> 00:25:24,985 actually beautiful. So I invite you to remind yourself every day that you're worthy of 416 00:25:24,985 --> 00:25:28,505 love. And I'm gonna let you in on a secret. Many people, even in 417 00:25:28,505 --> 00:25:32,265 relationships, don't feel worthy of love. So just because 418 00:25:32,265 --> 00:25:35,965 you are single right now, it doesn't mean anything about you. 419 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,640 I'm 32, and I cried all summer because I 420 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:43,160 realized I'd been keeping Evan's love out. And I realized I felt 421 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,920 unworthy in so many ways. And I let his love in more and 422 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:50,075 more, and I continue to do that. And I've continued to do that for 13 423 00:25:50,075 --> 00:25:53,615 years. I didn't get in a relationship and just feel worthy of love. 424 00:25:53,755 --> 00:25:57,435 Through the relationship, I've had to open myself up to more and more love. 425 00:25:57,435 --> 00:26:01,275 And I mention that here because feeling love and that worthiness of love 426 00:26:01,275 --> 00:26:05,070 has been an inside job for me. I can really only let in as 427 00:26:05,070 --> 00:26:08,670 much love as I love myself. And I am humbled by that 428 00:26:08,670 --> 00:26:12,510 time and time again. And I want to remind you that because if 429 00:26:12,510 --> 00:26:16,275 you're in a relationship or you're not in a relationship, it's an inside job. The 430 00:26:16,275 --> 00:26:18,915 more you love you, the more you will feel that love in your life in 431 00:26:18,915 --> 00:26:22,595 all relationships and all aspects. And all this 432 00:26:22,595 --> 00:26:26,035 is done one step at a time. And so I know you're worthy of all 433 00:26:26,035 --> 00:26:29,880 your heart's desires. You will find your person. You will find your people. And you 434 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:32,840 will find the love of your life. And I am sending you so much love 435 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:34,700 today. Thank you so much for this question. 436 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:43,720 Thank you so much for joining me for another episode of New View Advice. As 437 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:47,507 always, I am so grateful to here with you and to offer you a new 438 00:26:47,507 --> 00:26:51,152 view on healing, and this week it was talking about regret. So everybody out 439 00:26:51,152 --> 00:26:54,796 there, be kind to yourself. And if you enjoyed this episode, I invite you 440 00:26:54,796 --> 00:26:58,400 to leave a 5 star review and subscribe to the podcast. Reviews 441 00:26:58,620 --> 00:27:02,380 and star ratings and subscribers really help to grow 442 00:27:02,380 --> 00:27:05,980 the podcast. So I am forever grateful for all your support and for 443 00:27:05,980 --> 00:27:09,637 everyone who continues to come back each week and listen. So thanks again for 444 00:27:09,637 --> 00:27:12,997 joining me for another episode of New VIew Advice. As always, I hope I was 445 00:27:12,997 --> 00:27:15,477 able to offer you a new view on whatever you may be going through. Sending 446 00:27:15,477 --> 00:27:16,917 you all my love. See you next time.