1 00:00:08,063 --> 00:00:10,733 Well, Hey everybody, Jonathan Doyle with you. 2 00:00:10,733 --> 00:00:11,363 Once again. 3 00:00:11,363 --> 00:00:12,773 Welcome to my humble studio. 4 00:00:13,853 --> 00:00:16,043 With my fancy microphone and my headphones. 5 00:00:16,043 --> 00:00:19,173 If you could see me now, you'd say to yourself, That guy. 6 00:00:19,613 --> 00:00:22,553 He's one serious podcast I love my stuff. 7 00:00:22,553 --> 00:00:25,643 People keep coming up to me at LA Vince going, you really 8 00:00:25,643 --> 00:00:26,963 love your, your microphones. 9 00:00:26,963 --> 00:00:27,473 Don't you is. 10 00:00:27,533 --> 00:00:30,923 We isn't it weird as humans we all have, or you have one, two. 11 00:00:30,953 --> 00:00:31,103 Yeah. 12 00:00:31,103 --> 00:00:33,263 You may not have a microphone thing, but if you're listening 13 00:00:33,293 --> 00:00:35,933 to me right now, you've got some cut, thumb, something similar. 14 00:00:36,623 --> 00:00:37,223 We all do. 15 00:00:37,223 --> 00:00:40,043 It's part of the great rich tapestry of human life. 16 00:00:40,073 --> 00:00:41,363 The things we're interested in. 17 00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:45,573 I just, ah, man, we got this local music store has this 18 00:00:46,253 --> 00:00:49,463 If I could set up A camp bed down there. 19 00:00:49,463 --> 00:00:50,693 I don't think they'd ever get rid of me. 20 00:00:50,693 --> 00:00:51,413 So friends. 21 00:00:51,893 --> 00:00:53,123 I just think you're worth it. 22 00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:57,053 I just think it's worth bringing you great content with high quality microphones. 23 00:00:57,473 --> 00:01:00,173 I know you're listening, going really, really, Jonathan. 24 00:01:00,203 --> 00:01:00,653 That's it. 25 00:01:00,683 --> 00:01:02,543 That's, that's what you have for us today. 26 00:01:02,543 --> 00:01:05,123 You want to tell us how excited you are about audio quality. 27 00:01:05,723 --> 00:01:07,273 Well, put it this way. 28 00:01:08,003 --> 00:01:12,413 Audio quality is the kind of thing that your miss, when it's gone, I 29 00:01:12,413 --> 00:01:15,683 know you're, you're gonna stop in and grateful you get, you get so. 30 00:01:16,373 --> 00:01:19,703 You just used to high quality audio on this podcast. 31 00:01:19,703 --> 00:01:20,963 If I took it away, you'd be. 32 00:01:21,503 --> 00:01:23,063 You'll be emailing me straight away. 33 00:01:23,063 --> 00:01:24,803 You'd be sending me messages, going to Jonathan. 34 00:01:24,953 --> 00:01:25,583 I love you to stuff. 35 00:01:25,643 --> 00:01:28,163 It's it's the best, but the audio quality, you got to work on that. 36 00:01:29,243 --> 00:01:29,673 I digress. 37 00:01:30,713 --> 00:01:33,713 I spoke for a minute and 24 seconds about sound quality. 38 00:01:33,743 --> 00:01:35,723 Let's just say, let's see if I can rescue this. 39 00:01:35,723 --> 00:01:37,553 Let's see if I can save this podcast today. 40 00:01:37,943 --> 00:01:38,993 Friends' housekeeping. 41 00:01:38,993 --> 00:01:40,223 Make sure you've subscribed. 42 00:01:40,223 --> 00:01:43,043 Hit that subscribe button, Spotify, apple podcast, Google. 43 00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:45,653 Oh, there are so many podcast apps. 44 00:01:45,653 --> 00:01:50,663 Now there is a veritable plethora, a cornucopia of podcast apps out there. 45 00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:52,283 So wherever you're listening, I would love it. 46 00:01:52,283 --> 00:01:54,413 If you could hit that subscribe button and then go and check out 47 00:01:54,413 --> 00:01:55,373 the show notes, wherever you're 48 00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:58,313 There's a whole bunch of Shona, Tierra added some new ones. 49 00:01:58,343 --> 00:01:59,903 There's a link straight across to YouTube. 50 00:02:00,563 --> 00:02:03,713 And, uh, there is a link to Karen's masterclass. 51 00:02:03,743 --> 00:02:07,343 If, uh, she runs this phenomenal masterclass for women around the world. 52 00:02:07,343 --> 00:02:10,073 It's a, I think she brings together in each group, maybe 53 00:02:10,073 --> 00:02:11,693 five or six women, and they just. 54 00:02:12,383 --> 00:02:14,723 They just do the most amazing stuff at looking at all the, some of 55 00:02:14,723 --> 00:02:17,963 the challenging issues that we all face business, personal family. 56 00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:19,643 So go check out Karen's masterclass. 57 00:02:20,123 --> 00:02:23,123 All right friends I'm excited about today's topic. 58 00:02:23,123 --> 00:02:27,713 It's a, if you didn't hear yesterday, this next couple of weeks is a 59 00:02:27,713 --> 00:02:31,763 whole series of episodes, uh, from you guys from, uh, each one of you. 60 00:02:32,303 --> 00:02:35,873 Uh, who responded to my email a couple of weeks back about what 61 00:02:35,873 --> 00:02:36,893 are the issues that you face? 62 00:02:36,893 --> 00:02:38,573 What are the challenges going on in your life? 63 00:02:38,573 --> 00:02:42,323 So we're all going to get an insight into the things that we all deal with. 64 00:02:42,353 --> 00:02:43,973 And today is a great question. 65 00:02:45,203 --> 00:02:48,713 And, uh, come some, uh, from a listener in the United Kingdom who 66 00:02:48,713 --> 00:02:50,573 says one of my constant struggles. 67 00:02:50,873 --> 00:02:54,683 He is taking offense to easily. 68 00:02:55,073 --> 00:02:58,673 Which leads to greater stress and poor quality relationships 69 00:02:58,703 --> 00:03:00,263 within close-knit circles. 70 00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:05,363 I know it comes from some deep insecurity from my past, as a child 71 00:03:05,813 --> 00:03:09,743 and having an unloving father and overbearing mother I'm working on it. 72 00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:14,753 And I'm conscious, I don't want my children to adopt negative behaviors 73 00:03:14,843 --> 00:03:16,773 and attitudes because of it. 74 00:03:17,513 --> 00:03:20,513 Welcome aboard friends to the human journey. 75 00:03:20,513 --> 00:03:21,953 I can relate to this a bit. 76 00:03:21,953 --> 00:03:22,973 I think some of you can. 77 00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:29,123 It's uh, If you were, if you wanted to be born in a time in human history, 78 00:03:29,153 --> 00:03:33,773 where you could be easily offended, welcome aboard, there seems to be. 79 00:03:34,043 --> 00:03:36,773 Uh, fence waiting around every street corner. 80 00:03:37,523 --> 00:03:41,273 With each mouse click on social media, you can find new and 81 00:03:41,273 --> 00:03:43,283 creative ways to be offended. 82 00:03:43,883 --> 00:03:51,083 This is a, a, I guess, a media political conglomerate that thrives on offense. 83 00:03:51,113 --> 00:03:52,073 Perceived offense. 84 00:03:52,883 --> 00:03:55,583 The idea that there are good people and bad people. 85 00:03:55,943 --> 00:03:58,493 And that the bad people are doing offensive things and 86 00:03:58,493 --> 00:03:59,843 the good people are fighting. 87 00:03:59,843 --> 00:04:01,223 The good fight against it. 88 00:04:01,733 --> 00:04:03,473 Um, that's a little reductionist drive. 89 00:04:03,503 --> 00:04:04,883 The world is a complex place. 90 00:04:04,883 --> 00:04:05,963 I'm not denying for a second. 91 00:04:05,993 --> 00:04:07,373 The reality of objective evil. 92 00:04:08,453 --> 00:04:12,653 But, uh, can we agree together that if any of us struggle with being 93 00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:16,883 offended easily, we are born at a moment where it is so possible to 94 00:04:16,883 --> 00:04:18,503 be offended so we can be offended. 95 00:04:19,193 --> 00:04:23,093 Buy whatever's going on in the news cycle, we can be offended by people at work. 96 00:04:23,093 --> 00:04:25,463 We can be offended by people in our own families. 97 00:04:26,123 --> 00:04:28,433 We can be offended by the state of the world. 98 00:04:28,883 --> 00:04:35,673 So first thing is to recognize that it is a relative swamp. 99 00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:38,513 Of potential offense out there. 100 00:04:38,513 --> 00:04:39,873 So we'd all probably want to get pretty good. 101 00:04:40,883 --> 00:04:44,303 At working out what we're going to do about this, because I think what 102 00:04:44,303 --> 00:04:49,373 a, the listener here is alluding to is offense is a hijacking emotion. 103 00:04:49,553 --> 00:04:53,373 You know, we have some emotions like impatience and, you know, we have. 104 00:04:54,323 --> 00:04:57,923 Mild annoyance things that just, you know, niggle away at us, but there 105 00:04:57,953 --> 00:05:02,453 are some things that can just hijack us and basically Magus in a second. 106 00:05:03,083 --> 00:05:04,573 And offense is one of them. 107 00:05:05,243 --> 00:05:08,243 Because the minute we're in the pattern of offense, then you will 108 00:05:08,273 --> 00:05:11,423 notice a rapid interior monologue. 109 00:05:12,233 --> 00:05:13,343 The interior monologue. 110 00:05:13,883 --> 00:05:16,853 We'll be something like, you know, sometimes global statements, 111 00:05:16,853 --> 00:05:18,083 well, this is what we'd expect. 112 00:05:18,113 --> 00:05:19,463 They always do this. 113 00:05:19,463 --> 00:05:22,613 You know, this is what they always do is happening everywhere, you know? 114 00:05:22,643 --> 00:05:24,373 So there's we go to those global statements. 115 00:05:24,923 --> 00:05:26,453 So it's a hijacking emotion. 116 00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:29,963 It really can take us over quickly and do a little great deal of damage. 117 00:05:29,993 --> 00:05:30,443 So. 118 00:05:31,133 --> 00:05:32,513 What do we do? 119 00:05:32,903 --> 00:05:34,773 I've got a couple of initial thoughts, then I'm going to go a little bit 120 00:05:36,293 --> 00:05:42,083 The just on this topic of the ubiquity of offense, the sheer volume of it. 121 00:05:42,563 --> 00:05:43,883 Floating around us. 122 00:05:44,243 --> 00:05:47,033 I'm always coming back to Stephen. 123 00:05:47,033 --> 00:05:50,963 Covey's great work in the seven habits of highly effective people, where he 124 00:05:50,963 --> 00:05:55,253 talked about the difference in the circle of interest and the circle of concern 125 00:05:55,253 --> 00:05:56,973 and sort of the circle of control. 126 00:05:57,743 --> 00:06:00,053 You know, there's the things that we're interested in, in life. 127 00:06:00,083 --> 00:06:02,483 There's the things that we're sort of concerned about in life. 128 00:06:02,483 --> 00:06:04,373 And then there's things that we can control in life. 129 00:06:04,913 --> 00:06:07,373 One of the problems with offense. 130 00:06:08,123 --> 00:06:11,273 Is that often we're getting offended these days by things that we can do very little 131 00:06:11,273 --> 00:06:16,643 about, especially on the geopolitical sort of scale, the problems that beset the 132 00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:18,983 world and the way that they are framed by. 133 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:24,683 The, uh, I guess the media and political conglomerate as I like to call it is we 134 00:06:24,683 --> 00:06:28,763 can easily become offended and obsessed with things that we are never going to 135 00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:30,833 be able to do really anything about. 136 00:06:30,833 --> 00:06:33,143 So I just Put that out there first to say. 137 00:06:33,713 --> 00:06:38,173 We would want to be diligent and sober and aware. 138 00:06:38,933 --> 00:06:41,573 Of geopolitical events and their potential impact. 139 00:06:42,533 --> 00:06:46,343 But, um, We also need to realize that. 140 00:06:46,913 --> 00:06:52,373 Spending enormous amounts of emotional, psychological, and intellectual energy. 141 00:06:52,973 --> 00:06:56,873 On things out there in the world that we can't do a great deal about is not 142 00:06:56,873 --> 00:06:59,373 particularly good for our health and not particularly good for our relationships. 143 00:06:59,963 --> 00:07:03,353 I'm not saying that we should ignore and not have an interest in these things. 144 00:07:03,353 --> 00:07:04,253 I'm just saying that. 145 00:07:05,033 --> 00:07:08,633 I think the most important things that we do on a daily basis, uh, in the 146 00:07:08,633 --> 00:07:12,383 circle of control, the things that we can actually do something about family. 147 00:07:12,383 --> 00:07:15,373 I work our spirituality, our physical health. 148 00:07:15,833 --> 00:07:17,933 Uh, sense of community and connection with others. 149 00:07:17,933 --> 00:07:21,893 These are the things that we can do, and sometimes being hijacked by a 150 00:07:21,893 --> 00:07:26,033 fence and things out there beyond us is not a particularly great use of the 151 00:07:26,033 --> 00:07:27,773 beautiful resources and reserves that 152 00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:30,373 Now, what else did I write about this? 153 00:07:31,883 --> 00:07:36,953 This, I want to give you some practical things about what we can actually do 154 00:07:36,953 --> 00:07:38,573 when we notice offense taking place. 155 00:07:38,573 --> 00:07:39,773 Then maybe that's the first step, right. 156 00:07:39,773 --> 00:07:40,883 Is to notice to go. 157 00:07:41,333 --> 00:07:44,693 You know, my friend here in this message is talked about, uh, I 158 00:07:44,693 --> 00:07:46,133 know it comes, this is their quote. 159 00:07:46,163 --> 00:07:50,843 I know it comes from some deep insecurity from my past, as a child and having an 160 00:07:50,843 --> 00:07:52,583 unloving father and an overbearing mother. 161 00:07:52,943 --> 00:07:54,673 Now, let me talk about that for a second. 162 00:07:55,193 --> 00:07:57,623 So as somebody who has come from. 163 00:07:58,193 --> 00:07:59,813 A very challenging background. 164 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:05,213 And without going into detail on this podcast, I, you know, if somebody 165 00:08:05,243 --> 00:08:08,483 who has dealt has dealt with a lot of trauma and difficulty and has had 166 00:08:08,483 --> 00:08:09,873 to do an enormous amount of work. 167 00:08:10,673 --> 00:08:13,163 On myself to, uh, to get Ram today. 168 00:08:13,223 --> 00:08:15,503 And many of you can relate to that story too, because 169 00:08:15,503 --> 00:08:16,373 you've done something similar. 170 00:08:17,183 --> 00:08:19,253 But my opinion. 171 00:08:20,063 --> 00:08:20,783 And that is all. 172 00:08:20,813 --> 00:08:24,293 This is, and I'd love to hear what you think you can email me, or you can jump on 173 00:08:24,293 --> 00:08:25,373 YouTube, post something in the comments. 174 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:26,973 Is. 175 00:08:27,713 --> 00:08:32,693 What I found with a lot of modern therapy, is that what I tended to 176 00:08:32,723 --> 00:08:34,433 end up with was a narrative, right? 177 00:08:34,433 --> 00:08:36,593 So I got, this is just my experience. 178 00:08:36,593 --> 00:08:41,123 I got a really good understanding of why I might feel the way I do. 179 00:08:41,693 --> 00:08:44,783 But I didn't ever get a great deal of breakthrough or help. 180 00:08:44,813 --> 00:08:46,673 I felt in terms of, well, okay. 181 00:08:46,703 --> 00:08:47,603 Now what do you do? 182 00:08:47,633 --> 00:08:51,053 And I'm saying that because if you look at this comment You know this person 183 00:08:51,083 --> 00:08:53,673 saying, I know it comes from deep insecurity from my past as a child. 184 00:08:54,893 --> 00:08:57,173 This is, this is a beautiful comment and irrelevant 185 00:08:58,103 --> 00:09:02,123 But what I want to say is yes, a lot of the things that hijack is. 186 00:09:03,113 --> 00:09:09,273 We'll be coming from forces deep in a subconscious and a childhood experiences. 187 00:09:10,373 --> 00:09:14,063 So it's kind of one of the few things I guess I agree with Freud on is that, 188 00:09:14,153 --> 00:09:19,163 you know, The unconscious is a thing and, you know, young It's a thing. 189 00:09:19,163 --> 00:09:23,903 And we are often impacted in directed and driven by forces that come from a 190 00:09:23,903 --> 00:09:26,173 distant past and distant experiences. 191 00:09:26,963 --> 00:09:28,943 So without minimizing any of that. 192 00:09:29,513 --> 00:09:32,783 Knowing it doesn't necessarily change anything. 193 00:09:33,563 --> 00:09:36,683 By which I mean, once you know that, oh, look, I feel this way. 194 00:09:36,683 --> 00:09:38,243 I take offense because of this. 195 00:09:38,633 --> 00:09:42,743 My answer to that is often say to people, three words, and these three 196 00:09:42,773 --> 00:09:47,373 words And now what, and now what. 197 00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:51,563 So once you, once you understand that you might be responding because of X. 198 00:09:52,283 --> 00:09:53,033 What do we do with that? 199 00:09:53,063 --> 00:09:55,553 Well, I think the first thing to do is to begin to develop 200 00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:56,773 a bit of grounded-ness to. 201 00:09:57,083 --> 00:09:58,673 As the offense narrative plays out. 202 00:09:58,703 --> 00:10:00,083 Now, some of you are listening, going on, Jonathan. 203 00:10:00,083 --> 00:10:01,193 This is not really for me. 204 00:10:01,193 --> 00:10:02,543 I don't really get offended that much. 205 00:10:03,023 --> 00:10:04,343 It will be something else for you. 206 00:10:04,853 --> 00:10:06,203 Something else will trigger you. 207 00:10:06,803 --> 00:10:10,013 And what I'm saying for all of us is that we need to get really good at 208 00:10:10,013 --> 00:10:12,323 noticing, oh, I'm running that pattern. 209 00:10:12,353 --> 00:10:13,313 I'm running that pattern. 210 00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,143 Someone said this, someone cut me off in traffic. 211 00:10:15,143 --> 00:10:18,593 Someone offended me, someone Now I'm going to run this pattern. 212 00:10:18,593 --> 00:10:19,853 So I'm going to get really good at going. 213 00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,113 Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. 214 00:10:21,113 --> 00:10:24,053 I'm running the pattern, capture yourself in the act of running the pattern 215 00:10:24,083 --> 00:10:25,523 and just notice that you're doing it. 216 00:10:25,913 --> 00:10:26,673 That's the first thing. 217 00:10:27,143 --> 00:10:27,773 You know, I've gotta be honest. 218 00:10:28,433 --> 00:10:32,873 I remember doing some personality indicators and in terms of neurotic belief 219 00:10:32,873 --> 00:10:35,003 systems, my score was hiding the average. 220 00:10:35,033 --> 00:10:36,073 I mean, I'm just being honest with your friends. 221 00:10:36,863 --> 00:10:41,033 So I noticed that I can quite easily get myself caught up in a dialogue 222 00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:45,083 sometimes, you know, that it's less balanced than what some of you would make. 223 00:10:45,083 --> 00:10:49,473 So I've had to get better at noticing my capacity. 224 00:10:50,003 --> 00:10:54,203 To respond to stimuli in a particular way because of our came from and 225 00:10:54,203 --> 00:10:55,163 the experiences that I've had. 226 00:10:55,163 --> 00:10:57,673 So all I'm saying to all of you and to my friend here is. 227 00:10:58,733 --> 00:11:01,013 Once you notice you're being mugged. 228 00:11:01,193 --> 00:11:04,373 Once you notice that you're being nearly hijacked by an 229 00:11:04,373 --> 00:11:05,693 emotional and emotional response. 230 00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:07,913 Just, just notice it, right. 231 00:11:07,913 --> 00:11:09,593 Just, just ground yourself at that point. 232 00:11:09,593 --> 00:11:09,743 Go. 233 00:11:09,773 --> 00:11:09,873 Oh. 234 00:11:10,703 --> 00:11:11,003 Okay. 235 00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:11,843 I'm being offended. 236 00:11:11,903 --> 00:11:12,203 Now. 237 00:11:12,263 --> 00:11:14,873 I might be offended because I was rejected by my parents and I didn't 238 00:11:14,873 --> 00:11:17,933 feel I was loved unconditionally and people, when people over look 239 00:11:17,963 --> 00:11:19,283 me at triggers that experience. 240 00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:21,413 Maybe all completely true. 241 00:11:21,443 --> 00:11:25,943 Just begin by noticing The next practical thing I say to people is, 242 00:11:25,943 --> 00:11:28,703 um, is this about you or about them? 243 00:11:28,703 --> 00:11:30,673 So when someone's causing a fence, just go hang 244 00:11:32,243 --> 00:11:34,883 Is this about, am I over-sensitive to this? 245 00:11:35,123 --> 00:11:37,853 What would it, what would another person looking at this on the outside thing? 246 00:11:37,883 --> 00:11:40,013 And you might even want to ask somebody, like, have you been offended? 247 00:11:40,253 --> 00:11:43,253 You know, if there was somebody else who was present, you could ask them, you 248 00:11:43,253 --> 00:11:44,843 could literally later on say, Hey look. 249 00:11:45,263 --> 00:11:47,693 Was this, what did you think about this was, am I overreacting here? 250 00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:52,433 Try and get some feedback to try and validate or, or, you know, I guess 251 00:11:52,643 --> 00:11:56,483 test your hypothesis about what's actually happening because sometimes 252 00:11:56,513 --> 00:11:59,393 we're so close to things that we can't do that part really well. 253 00:11:59,723 --> 00:12:00,873 So we want to go, this is about 254 00:12:01,643 --> 00:12:03,173 And how I'm responding or is it about them? 255 00:12:03,173 --> 00:12:04,253 Maybe they're just obnoxious. 256 00:12:04,313 --> 00:12:05,603 Maybe they're really awful people. 257 00:12:05,603 --> 00:12:07,493 Maybe they just had a bad day. 258 00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:11,123 You know, sometimes people have really bad days and they cause a fence 259 00:12:11,123 --> 00:12:14,423 because they're exhausted or their kid, their baby cried all night You 260 00:12:14,423 --> 00:12:15,973 know, they got a flat tire who knows. 261 00:12:16,223 --> 00:12:17,633 So we want to get those parts, right? 262 00:12:17,693 --> 00:12:18,073 We want to go. 263 00:12:19,313 --> 00:12:21,593 And I guess, related to this, is, is it a one-off right? 264 00:12:21,593 --> 00:12:22,473 Or is this a pattern? 265 00:12:22,973 --> 00:12:25,613 If you're in a work context or a family context, is this 266 00:12:25,613 --> 00:12:27,473 person triggering you regularly? 267 00:12:28,103 --> 00:12:31,793 You know, uh, other people triggering, triggering you in a similar environment. 268 00:12:31,823 --> 00:12:32,153 Like. 269 00:12:32,573 --> 00:12:35,843 You want to try to delineate what belongs to the other purple people? 270 00:12:35,843 --> 00:12:37,253 What belongs to the circumstance? 271 00:12:37,283 --> 00:12:39,873 What else might be going You know, I spoke. 272 00:12:40,673 --> 00:12:42,113 Last week too, to a large degree. 273 00:12:42,203 --> 00:12:45,373 I remember talking about another story from Stephen Covey's book, where. 274 00:12:46,043 --> 00:12:47,153 He is the true story. 275 00:12:47,153 --> 00:12:48,383 He was on a train one day. 276 00:12:49,283 --> 00:12:54,113 Uh, in, in New York and he's on this train and there's this man there, 277 00:12:54,113 --> 00:12:55,473 and this man's got six children. 278 00:12:56,333 --> 00:12:56,973 They're all pretty young. 279 00:12:57,713 --> 00:12:59,273 And these kids are just going feral. 280 00:12:59,303 --> 00:13:01,943 They're like, you know, swinging off the bars and yelling and 281 00:13:01,943 --> 00:13:03,683 screaming and they're unrestrained. 282 00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:06,473 And this man's just sitting there staring blankly into the distance. 283 00:13:07,133 --> 00:13:09,683 And Stephen Covey finds himself getting really angry. 284 00:13:09,683 --> 00:13:12,923 He's like getting really angry going, you know, so his narrative starts, right? 285 00:13:12,923 --> 00:13:16,193 So Stephen Covey's getting, getting mugged, getting nearly hijacked by 286 00:13:16,193 --> 00:13:17,473 his belief system, which was what. 287 00:13:17,903 --> 00:13:20,423 Well, his belief system was people should control the children. 288 00:13:20,423 --> 00:13:23,003 People should behave a certain way in the environment. 289 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:23,993 People shouldn't do this. 290 00:13:23,993 --> 00:13:24,573 Parents should be 291 00:13:25,733 --> 00:13:28,883 And finally had enough and he just turned to this man and said, excuse me, sir. 292 00:13:28,883 --> 00:13:30,923 He said, please, could you control your children? 293 00:13:30,923 --> 00:13:32,073 This is, this is not okay. 294 00:13:33,083 --> 00:13:35,123 And the man kind of looked up at him and he was sort of looking really 295 00:13:35,123 --> 00:13:37,013 glazed and he said, look, I'm so sorry. 296 00:13:37,013 --> 00:13:38,243 He said, we've just come from. 297 00:13:38,843 --> 00:13:41,273 Uh, hospital in the city, their mother died this morning, right? 298 00:13:42,743 --> 00:13:43,433 It's a true story. 299 00:13:43,733 --> 00:13:46,703 And Covey was just like, it was, she was just the most confronting 300 00:13:46,703 --> 00:13:51,443 thing because he had a scribed, all this meaning to the circumstance. 301 00:13:52,253 --> 00:13:55,133 Which was just completely incorrect. 302 00:13:55,613 --> 00:13:58,523 Now, I don't want to say that's every circumstance because sometimes 303 00:13:58,523 --> 00:14:00,083 people are just being obnoxious. 304 00:14:00,113 --> 00:14:01,373 Sometimes people are being 305 00:14:02,603 --> 00:14:03,973 So we want to find out. 306 00:14:04,373 --> 00:14:07,133 What's going on, like, you know, we want to get those parts, right. 307 00:14:07,133 --> 00:14:07,793 So is it about you? 308 00:14:07,793 --> 00:14:08,423 It's about them? 309 00:14:08,453 --> 00:14:13,493 What else did I write Um, When you are dealing with a fence. 310 00:14:14,273 --> 00:14:17,543 Here's a useful question to ask yourself this, what will 311 00:14:17,663 --> 00:14:20,633 nursing this create in my life? 312 00:14:21,383 --> 00:14:24,773 What will nursing this create in my life. 313 00:14:25,103 --> 00:14:26,663 Here's what I think it will probably create. 314 00:14:27,023 --> 00:14:29,753 Um, it will create sleeplessness. 315 00:14:29,783 --> 00:14:30,953 It will create bitterness. 316 00:14:30,983 --> 00:14:32,213 It will create resentment. 317 00:14:32,213 --> 00:14:34,773 It will create your overreact and other things. 318 00:14:35,393 --> 00:14:35,843 So. 319 00:14:36,593 --> 00:14:39,173 Offense is one of the things we want to do with pretty quickly, because 320 00:14:39,323 --> 00:14:43,973 if we hold onto it, It's going to create other outcomes in our lives. 321 00:14:44,603 --> 00:14:46,043 You know, somebody cuts you off in traffic. 322 00:14:46,043 --> 00:14:46,223 Yeah. 323 00:14:46,223 --> 00:14:48,203 You were offended, but you move on pretty quick. 324 00:14:48,203 --> 00:14:49,193 You get on with your day. 325 00:14:49,193 --> 00:14:49,403 Right? 326 00:14:49,403 --> 00:14:50,273 Eventually we hope. 327 00:14:50,993 --> 00:14:54,743 But if there's somebody close to you that is causing offense or you're experiencing 328 00:14:54,773 --> 00:14:56,213 offense in relationship to them. 329 00:14:56,723 --> 00:14:57,563 Ask yourself. 330 00:14:57,653 --> 00:15:00,233 If I don't address this, if this stays the same, what is 331 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,363 this going to create in my life? 332 00:15:02,753 --> 00:15:03,023 All right. 333 00:15:03,083 --> 00:15:03,273 Next 334 00:15:04,433 --> 00:15:06,473 What would I rather be experiencing? 335 00:15:06,653 --> 00:15:08,393 This is a great reframing question. 336 00:15:08,393 --> 00:15:10,433 It's like when you find yourself really offended, just go hang on. 337 00:15:11,063 --> 00:15:11,303 Yeah. 338 00:15:11,363 --> 00:15:14,873 Cause, cause when you're offended, you like you're totally attuned to it. 339 00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:15,743 You're like you're feeling it. 340 00:15:15,743 --> 00:15:16,463 You're aware of it. 341 00:15:16,463 --> 00:15:17,093 It's present. 342 00:15:17,093 --> 00:15:20,693 It's in your reality, it's causing this big interior monologue to 343 00:15:20,693 --> 00:15:23,693 kick off, but often I just say, ask yourself question, what would 344 00:15:23,693 --> 00:15:24,983 I rather be experiencing right now? 345 00:15:25,013 --> 00:15:26,753 What would I rather be experiencing now? 346 00:15:26,753 --> 00:15:29,153 This isn't to deny the reality of what's happening. 347 00:15:29,153 --> 00:15:31,073 You're not going oh, Just going to ignore it and I'm going to 348 00:15:31,073 --> 00:15:32,333 just be, it's like Pollyanna. 349 00:15:32,363 --> 00:15:33,873 I'm just going to look at rainbows and unicorns. 350 00:15:34,523 --> 00:15:38,373 It's not that it's like basically going, okay, this is not what I want for my life. 351 00:15:39,233 --> 00:15:40,463 I'm not going to take the bait. 352 00:15:40,463 --> 00:15:43,343 I'm not going down the rabbit hole or would I rather be experiencing. 353 00:15:43,763 --> 00:15:44,123 Okay. 354 00:15:44,153 --> 00:15:46,433 Now what you'd rather be experiencing would depend on 355 00:15:46,433 --> 00:15:47,693 the particular relationship. 356 00:15:47,723 --> 00:15:49,073 If it's someone you care about. 357 00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:52,463 Then, then there's going to be a reason why you'll want to come 358 00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,923 to this next step in a moment, which is doing something about it. 359 00:15:54,923 --> 00:15:56,933 But if it's somebody who you just like, whatever. 360 00:15:57,473 --> 00:15:59,123 Uh, you know, you're not a big part of my life. 361 00:15:59,153 --> 00:16:00,053 I don't know who you are. 362 00:16:00,083 --> 00:16:00,983 I don't see very often. 363 00:16:01,013 --> 00:16:02,963 I'm just going to move on some things we can let go. 364 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:03,263 Right. 365 00:16:03,383 --> 00:16:05,963 But somethings we can let go because we want to experience life. 366 00:16:06,683 --> 00:16:07,943 As often as possible. 367 00:16:08,303 --> 00:16:10,973 In a more abundant, peaceful, pleasant kind of way. 368 00:16:11,273 --> 00:16:12,353 What else did I write here? 369 00:16:12,533 --> 00:16:15,263 The last thing you did y'all should be so proud of me today that only you're 370 00:16:15,293 --> 00:16:16,493 getting high quality marker fines. 371 00:16:16,523 --> 00:16:18,083 You're getting note taking as well. 372 00:16:18,533 --> 00:16:22,733 Um, Last thing here is to say, is the relationship important 373 00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:24,073 enough that I need to speak 374 00:16:25,583 --> 00:16:27,563 We want to, uh, we want to do some triage here. 375 00:16:27,593 --> 00:16:30,833 We want to say to ourselves, look, this offense is a problem 376 00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:32,093 because I care about this person. 377 00:16:32,093 --> 00:16:32,993 I see them regularly. 378 00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,073 They're part of my circle. 379 00:16:34,073 --> 00:16:35,363 I need to get this addressed. 380 00:16:36,083 --> 00:16:38,333 And then what you need is the virtue of courage. 381 00:16:39,113 --> 00:16:41,453 You need to care about yourself enough and you need to care about 382 00:16:41,453 --> 00:16:43,573 the relationship enough and you need to care about them enough. 383 00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:47,663 Two in the appropriate way, consult the offense. 384 00:16:48,203 --> 00:16:48,873 Just to go. 385 00:16:49,493 --> 00:16:51,653 You know, We need to talk. 386 00:16:51,713 --> 00:16:54,263 We need to have a conversation and sometimes it's going to be really hard. 387 00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:56,663 It can be really confronting, really scary because. 388 00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,663 You know, but these honest conversations can really move 389 00:16:59,663 --> 00:17:01,643 relationships to a whole new level. 390 00:17:01,913 --> 00:17:03,873 And you start by saying things like, you know, look. 391 00:17:04,913 --> 00:17:06,893 Like last Tuesday at dinner. 392 00:17:06,983 --> 00:17:09,533 When you said this, I felt really offended. 393 00:17:09,593 --> 00:17:11,753 I don't know if that was your intention. 394 00:17:11,783 --> 00:17:14,393 I'm wondering if we can talk about it because I care about you 395 00:17:14,753 --> 00:17:16,463 and if you're listening, going, no one talks about that day. 396 00:17:16,463 --> 00:17:17,843 You can, you actually can talk like that. 397 00:17:17,873 --> 00:17:18,683 And you can say, look, man. 398 00:17:19,223 --> 00:17:23,813 Uh, you know, I really care about you and I felt really upset and I felt it was 399 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:26,033 very disrespectful and we want to do this. 400 00:17:26,663 --> 00:17:27,803 I want to talk to you about it, right? 401 00:17:27,893 --> 00:17:28,883 So you have to weigh up. 402 00:17:28,883 --> 00:17:30,593 Is the relationship valuable enough? 403 00:17:31,253 --> 00:17:31,673 So. 404 00:17:32,933 --> 00:17:37,253 You know of people that I'm close to and people that are important in my life, then 405 00:17:37,253 --> 00:17:38,973 these, these are investments worth making. 406 00:17:40,823 --> 00:17:41,473 And I guess. 407 00:17:42,293 --> 00:17:46,163 The other thing behind this question is, I don't know how to express this. 408 00:17:47,423 --> 00:17:49,943 You know, we've got to hold all this pretty lightly. 409 00:17:49,973 --> 00:17:53,373 I don't expect government organizations, hierarchies. 410 00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:55,223 To make me happy. 411 00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:55,973 I really don't. 412 00:17:56,003 --> 00:17:59,873 I mean, I I've I've I have very, very strong libertarian leanings, right. 413 00:18:00,503 --> 00:18:02,843 Um, I kind of feel that. 414 00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:08,033 One of the ways to get offended in life at the moment is to Institutions 415 00:18:08,033 --> 00:18:11,933 government to be operating at this, you know, angelic standard 416 00:18:11,933 --> 00:18:13,463 and to treat me well all the time. 417 00:18:13,463 --> 00:18:14,333 I just know it's not gonna happen. 418 00:18:14,393 --> 00:18:17,873 So I, one of the ways to beat offense is going to sound crazy. 419 00:18:17,873 --> 00:18:20,183 If I say it this way is to have pretty low expectations, right? 420 00:18:20,663 --> 00:18:22,793 Of certain groups. 421 00:18:22,853 --> 00:18:24,563 Uh, and I don't want to be the fetus to you. 422 00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:25,223 I'm just saying. 423 00:18:26,453 --> 00:18:27,653 See things for what they are. 424 00:18:27,743 --> 00:18:30,113 See, see the moment in history for where we are. 425 00:18:30,203 --> 00:18:34,013 Um, and what's that old saying, fool me once. 426 00:18:34,163 --> 00:18:35,993 Shame on you fool me twice. 427 00:18:35,993 --> 00:18:37,223 Shame on me, right? 428 00:18:37,673 --> 00:18:42,373 If you get offended by a bureaucracy or an institution. 429 00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:47,153 Um, over and over and over and over again, because you think it's going to change 430 00:18:47,453 --> 00:18:52,433 is, is probably, you A little bit of realism here, a little bit of, you know 431 00:18:52,433 --> 00:18:57,203 what this is, this is a beautiful world, but there's brokenness in it and no one's 432 00:18:57,203 --> 00:19:00,473 going to make me completely happy and definitely no institutional hierarchy or 433 00:19:00,533 --> 00:19:02,063 bureaucracy is gonna meet all my needs. 434 00:19:02,123 --> 00:19:05,213 So we want to have that kind of healthy. 435 00:19:05,543 --> 00:19:07,273 Uh, you know, this is a motivational podcast. 436 00:19:07,673 --> 00:19:10,133 I don't know how else to say it, but a healthy realism. 437 00:19:10,643 --> 00:19:15,113 Not a healthy pessimism, I guess, about whether or not certain 438 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:17,373 groups and people can make us happy and look, the last thing. 439 00:19:18,233 --> 00:19:21,173 Which I meant to say at the start is there is a book written by 440 00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:23,183 the American pastor, John Bravia. 441 00:19:23,183 --> 00:19:24,873 And if any of you find yourself that offense. 442 00:19:25,583 --> 00:19:26,813 Is problematic. 443 00:19:26,903 --> 00:19:28,643 Um, his book is willing to sing. 444 00:19:28,643 --> 00:19:31,873 It's called the bait of Satan, the bait of Satan. 445 00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:37,073 And I haven't read it, but I know John Bovie does a lot of good stuff and 446 00:19:37,073 --> 00:19:40,553 it's one of those books that I didn't read it because I got the premise 447 00:19:40,583 --> 00:19:43,523 immediately and the premise of the book and I do recommend getting it. 448 00:19:43,703 --> 00:19:48,683 If the offense is a challenge for you is, is if you were the devil, like 449 00:19:48,893 --> 00:19:52,493 what is one of the best strategies you could come To create chaos in 450 00:19:52,493 --> 00:19:54,173 human relationships and it's a fence. 451 00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:57,263 Because the fence is cut off to be so silent. 452 00:19:57,293 --> 00:19:58,343 It, we can just Harbor it. 453 00:19:58,343 --> 00:19:59,543 We just feed on it. 454 00:19:59,543 --> 00:20:00,683 We just keep going with it. 455 00:20:01,043 --> 00:20:02,783 So this offense just keeps rolling. 456 00:20:03,113 --> 00:20:05,183 And so that's why it's the bait of Satan. 457 00:20:05,183 --> 00:20:07,973 It's like you take the bait and it just keeps growing. 458 00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:08,243 Right. 459 00:20:08,243 --> 00:20:10,973 And just chaos and bad stuff keeps flowing from it. 460 00:20:10,973 --> 00:20:11,773 So maybe check out that book. 461 00:20:12,593 --> 00:20:13,073 And look. 462 00:20:13,343 --> 00:20:14,993 I know some of you could be listening, thinking, hang on, 463 00:20:14,993 --> 00:20:15,893 Jonathan, this is all good. 464 00:20:15,893 --> 00:20:16,643 This is practical. 465 00:20:16,673 --> 00:20:17,123 I get it. 466 00:20:17,153 --> 00:20:19,073 But you know, what about if we've been really hurt? 467 00:20:19,973 --> 00:20:22,133 What if people have done genuinely bad things to us. 468 00:20:23,363 --> 00:20:24,373 I have had several. 469 00:20:24,863 --> 00:20:28,433 Listeners reach out, which we will discuss in the upcoming episodes 470 00:20:28,523 --> 00:20:32,663 around just that topic about being genuinely hurt and being offended. 471 00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:35,093 Look, I think that's a process to work through. 472 00:20:35,093 --> 00:20:38,423 I think forgiveness is ultimately a superpower. 473 00:20:38,753 --> 00:20:42,743 One of the greatest ways to set yourself free in life and to free 474 00:20:42,743 --> 00:20:47,423 others is to arrive at a place of forgiveness and it can be done. 475 00:20:48,023 --> 00:20:51,573 Um, Karen was in Sydney a couple of days ago and she caught up with. 476 00:20:52,523 --> 00:20:57,023 Uh, the lady who you know, is it's my overseas listeners may not be aware 477 00:20:57,023 --> 00:20:58,463 of this, but there was a family who. 478 00:20:59,063 --> 00:21:02,993 The kids were Uh, walking to the local store to get an ice cream. 479 00:21:02,993 --> 00:21:05,813 And they were hit by a driver on drugs and a. 480 00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:09,503 You know, this family lost three little children from 481 00:21:09,503 --> 00:21:11,063 their own family immediately. 482 00:21:11,093 --> 00:21:13,853 Um, and this is the Abdullah family and there. 483 00:21:14,543 --> 00:21:21,683 There witness of, um, forgiveness is just extraordinary and, but you know what. 484 00:21:22,523 --> 00:21:27,203 The journey of forgiveness has also included acknowledging the truth of 485 00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:31,943 the loss and the darkness and the evil and the suffering of So, what 486 00:21:31,943 --> 00:21:36,073 I'm getting at is on this topic of offense and suffering and wrongdoing. 487 00:21:38,003 --> 00:21:39,623 We can get to forgiveness. 488 00:21:40,043 --> 00:21:42,443 It doesn't mean it's an easy journey, but it's a journey that 489 00:21:42,503 --> 00:21:45,233 tends to bring about extraordinary. 490 00:21:45,803 --> 00:21:48,803 Beauty and empowerment and encouragement. 491 00:21:48,803 --> 00:21:49,193 So. 492 00:21:50,783 --> 00:21:56,843 Do what you can reasonably But a life lived in a fence is a life, half lived. 493 00:21:57,053 --> 00:21:58,043 We are going to get offended. 494 00:21:58,043 --> 00:22:00,773 We're going to rub up against each You know, we're going 495 00:22:00,773 --> 00:22:02,123 to rub up against people. 496 00:22:02,303 --> 00:22:05,933 Yeah, my thesis of life is that I don't think that there's a lot of 497 00:22:05,933 --> 00:22:07,553 genuinely evil people in the world. 498 00:22:07,553 --> 00:22:08,903 I definitely think there are some. 499 00:22:09,533 --> 00:22:10,173 And I take a. 500 00:22:11,003 --> 00:22:13,673 Scott Peck, the psychotherapists definition of evil. 501 00:22:14,243 --> 00:22:17,213 Uh, as a good one, which is what he called the people of the lie. 502 00:22:17,393 --> 00:22:18,973 He used to say the genuine evil. 503 00:22:20,003 --> 00:22:22,403 Uh, is what he calls the people of the lie, which has people who, 504 00:22:22,553 --> 00:22:25,883 who are doing things that are genuinely, genuinely harmful, and 505 00:22:25,883 --> 00:22:29,373 they're doing them on purpose, but they have no sense that it's wrong. 506 00:22:30,053 --> 00:22:33,053 Those people Whether that's sociopathic or psychopathic. 507 00:22:33,293 --> 00:22:38,363 They're relatively rare for the rest of us are just kind of human and we get tired 508 00:22:38,363 --> 00:22:41,903 and we have baggage and we have hurts from the past and we rub up against each 509 00:22:41,903 --> 00:22:46,673 other and we're going to cause offense it's going So, um, you know, unless. 510 00:22:47,363 --> 00:22:50,973 Less one of my listeners is, uh, a one day or two day old baby. 511 00:22:51,413 --> 00:22:53,963 I live long enough friends, you're going to get offended and you're 512 00:22:53,963 --> 00:22:56,243 going to get offended probably tomorrow and maybe next week. 513 00:22:56,243 --> 00:22:58,853 And if it isn't a real person, that'll be something on the news. 514 00:22:59,183 --> 00:23:02,173 So my, my heart for you is that you develop this. 515 00:23:02,573 --> 00:23:07,433 Um, graciousness that you develop this ability to assume the best about people 516 00:23:07,463 --> 00:23:10,573 that you are developed, the ability to be assertive and strong when you need 517 00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,843 And to have challenging conversations when you need to be. 518 00:23:14,843 --> 00:23:18,973 But my prayer for you is that you do not let this bait of Satan run your life. 519 00:23:19,583 --> 00:23:23,003 Because that's what he wants and that's not what I want for you. 520 00:23:23,003 --> 00:23:24,353 And that's not what you want for yourself. 521 00:23:24,353 --> 00:23:26,673 So there's a lot in that Uh, summary. 522 00:23:28,553 --> 00:23:33,143 Be grounded recognize when you're being hijacked by your belief system around 523 00:23:33,143 --> 00:23:37,403 a fence or anything else for Um, ask yourself good questions about what's 524 00:23:37,463 --> 00:23:41,393 actually happening and then ask yourself about the value of the relationship. 525 00:23:41,393 --> 00:23:44,123 Is it worth having difficult, honest conversations about 526 00:23:44,123 --> 00:23:45,673 to move your boat forward? 527 00:23:46,253 --> 00:23:46,853 All right friends. 528 00:23:46,853 --> 00:23:47,773 God bless you out. 529 00:23:48,143 --> 00:23:49,373 Please make sure you're subscribed. 530 00:23:49,373 --> 00:23:53,963 Share this with some friends, um, you know, Send this to everybody, you know, 531 00:23:53,963 --> 00:23:57,203 you'll probably offend a couple of people and it'll give them a chance to practice. 532 00:23:57,293 --> 00:23:57,593 All right. 533 00:23:57,623 --> 00:23:58,073 That's brilliant. 534 00:23:58,853 --> 00:24:01,493 Gosh, I should stop mine All right. 535 00:24:01,493 --> 00:24:02,183 God bless everybody. 536 00:24:02,183 --> 00:24:02,933 Check out those links. 537 00:24:02,933 --> 00:24:04,673 You can book me to speak I'm back on the circuit. 538 00:24:04,673 --> 00:24:05,933 You can get private coaching with me. 539 00:24:05,933 --> 00:24:09,773 Go check out Karen's masterclass in the show notes, but that's it for today. 540 00:24:09,773 --> 00:24:10,253 Tomorrow. 541 00:24:10,253 --> 00:24:11,183 Let me just check the schedule. 542 00:24:11,183 --> 00:24:12,023 We'll be talking about tomorrow. 543 00:24:12,023 --> 00:24:12,443 Oh. 544 00:24:12,833 --> 00:24:14,183 Tomorrow, we're going to go about judgment. 545 00:24:14,753 --> 00:24:17,273 Um, judgment of ourselves judgment of others. 546 00:24:17,303 --> 00:24:18,323 That's on tomorrow's show. 547 00:24:18,353 --> 00:24:19,673 So look forward to talking to you, then. 548 00:24:19,673 --> 00:24:20,483 God bless everybody. 549 00:24:20,483 --> 00:24:21,273 My name's Jonathan Doyle. 550 00:24:22,013 --> 00:24:25,643 This has been the daily podcast and you and I are going to talk again. 551 00:24:25,913 --> 00:24:26,513 Tomorrow.