1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,440 Stand Up For Yourself, 2 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:03,440 Set Boundaries, 3 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:06,680 & Stop Pleasing Others (if that’s okay with you…) 4 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,040 (Be Confident and Fearless Book 9) 5 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:08,200 Written by 6 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:09,080 Patrick King 7 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:14,320 Narrated by Russell Newton. 8 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:14,800 So far, 9 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,080 we have considered a few answers to the question, 10 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:19,280 what causes people-pleasing? 11 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,560 • The need to be liked 12 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,040 • The fear of rejection 13 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:24,200 • The desire to stay safe 14 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:27,640 Let’s consider one more cause of people-pleasing behavior: 15 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,720 the need to avoid conflict. 16 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:30,960 Here, 17 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:33,960 “conflict” means disagreement, 18 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,160 upsetting others, 19 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:36,080 awkwardness, 20 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:36,920 friction, 21 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:38,400 misunderstanding, 22 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,080 or just bad vibes in general. 23 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:47,240 You do not have to have grown up in an abusive home to want to desperately avoid conflict. 24 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:54,920 But you may nevertheless have internalized the lesson that not giving people what they want usually results in bad outcomes, 25 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:59,120 and it’s easier just to be “nice” and avoid rocking the boat. 26 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:01,440 We’ve all done this at some point or other, 27 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:11,760 whether it’s biting our tongue when we really wanted to speak out or pretending to go along with something just because the alternative seemed like too much to deal with. 28 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:12,520 Again, 29 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,680 there’s nothing wrong with trying to avoid conflict, 30 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:19,440 and there’s nothing intrinsically valuable about disagreeing! 31 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:24,320 The challenge for people-pleasers is simply to find the right balance. 32 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:28,720 Being a mediator who values harmony and cohesion is a great thing, 33 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:32,680 and you can be proud of that if it’s a skill you have. 34 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:36,600 Being terrified of disagreement or inevitable bad feelings, 35 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:37,120 on the other hand, 36 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:37,720 is a problem. 37 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:43,000 Conflict avoidance is where we avoid conflict at all costs. 38 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,520 It is not the same as being easy-going, 39 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:46,600 accommodating, 40 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,800 or able to find mutual resolutions to problems. 41 00:01:49,800 --> 00:02:02,200 Conflict avoidance is where we carefully weigh up everyone’s needs and find a solution that makes everyone happy—except we completely ignore ourselves in that equation. 42 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:03,080 That’s why, 43 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:03,880 in fact, 44 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:07,920 this strategy itself may become the problem. 45 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:13,280 Here are some examples of conflict avoidance as a people-pleasing strategy: 46 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:17,400 You quickly change the topic when someone says something wrong or offensive, 47 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:22,600 just to avoid calling them out or causing an argument. 48 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:28,000 You put up with uncomfortable situations rather than kick up a fuss. 49 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,400 You don’t want to offend! 50 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:37,040 You go silent or flee interactions rather than disagree or face awkwardness. 51 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:41,960 You deny problems or how you feel about them. 52 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:46,800 You’d rather swallow your own discomfort than cause it in someone else. 53 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:52,240 You don’t express yourself honestly in case it makes waves. 54 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,520 You agree to unreasonable demands to keep the peace . 55 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:59,320 but then grow resentful about it anyway. 56 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,720 As with all forms of people-pleasing we’ve explored, 57 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:06,800 conflict avoidance costs you something enormous: 58 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,800 your authenticity. 59 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:13,440 Honest communication and genuine intimacy fly out the window. 60 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,360 Problems fester beneath the surface, 61 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:21,280 and people are completely in the dark about how everyone truly feels. 62 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:22,520 Most commonly, 63 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:32,760 it’s not conflict avoidance so much as conflict deferral—the problem often comes back to bite you later on! 64 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,920 The Terrible Tale of the “Gunnysack” 65 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:41,400 “Gunnysacking” is a sure sign of conflict avoidance and people-pleasing. 66 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:46,760 This is how the tale of the gunnysack usually plays out: 67 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:50,040 Melissa is the most junior member of her team at work, 68 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,240 and a good decade younger than everyone else. 69 00:03:52,240 --> 00:04:00,160 Because she has low self-esteem and she’s petrified of causing a scene and potentially losing her job, 70 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:04,480 she quietly puts up with behavior she really dislikes. 71 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:09,120 She smiles and complies when asked to clean the office or fetch coffee, 72 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:12,320 even though it’s not in her job description. 73 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:16,880 She keeps quiet when people steal her ideas and flaunt them as their own. 74 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:22,200 She says nothing when her boss repeatedly misspells her name. 75 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:28,920 What Melissa is doing is quietly accumulating each of these little insults and injuries into a gunnysack. 76 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,600 She holds on to every one of them, 77 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,000 and the sack grows bigger and bigger. 78 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:35,400 One day, 79 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,320 the receptionist is a little curt with her, 80 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,720 and Melissa tries to put that, 81 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:40,160 too, 82 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:41,400 into the gunnysack. 83 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:45,360 Except by now it’s so full that it suddenly explodes. 84 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:46,280 All at once, 85 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:49,800 Melissa loses her temper and lashes out at the receptionist, 86 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,400 who is completely bewildered, 87 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,640 and Melissa is in fact disciplined later for her outburst. 88 00:04:55,640 --> 00:05:03,600 The gunnysack tale is a tale of irony—in wanting to avoid conflict at all costs, 89 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,800 you actually wind up with one big, 90 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,920 catastrophic conflict at the end, 91 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:11,120 when you cannot take any more. 92 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:11,720 Even worse, 93 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:12,440 after the flood, 94 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:18,840 you may feel so guilty and horrible that you double down on your future efforts to “be nice” and never, 95 00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:20,120 ever let anyone down again . 96 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:20,120 . 97 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,960 Out comes a new gunnysack. 98 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,720 But . 99 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:25,600 What’s the Alternative? 100 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:35,760 People-pleasers can feel genuinely mystified about how to fix conflict avoidance since they can’t imagine what a healthy alternative looks like. 101 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:39,480 Be more argumentative? 102 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:40,560 Happily embrace conflict? 103 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:49,600 The first thing to realize is that pretending to be cool with things you aren’t cool with doesn’t actually change the problem. 104 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,920 The situation may appear okay, 105 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:56,640 but that is only on the surface and usually only temporary. 106 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,360 The truth is that disagreements, 107 00:05:58,360 --> 00:05:59,200 grievances, 108 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:00,160 problems, 109 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,880 and issues all continue to exist, 110 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:08,560 and pretending they don’t doesn’t change a thing besides maybe delaying the inevitable. 111 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:11,000 Unless you consciously address conflict, 112 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,520 you only create misunderstanding, 113 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,960 disappointment, 114 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,760 or a nice full gunnysack waiting to burst. 115 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:23,760 And you get all that on top of the original problem you were trying to run away from in the first place. 116 00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:32,360 Here are some ways to consciously address conflict rather than store it away where it can earn compound interest! 117 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:36,680 It’s not as difficult as it may seem at first. 118 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,920 Use AND Not BUT 119 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,040 If you hate being contrary or disagreeing with others, 120 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:55,560 then try doing it without using the word “but.” It’s a simple trick that teaches you that two people can in fact have different viewpoints at the same time without them necessarily threatening one another. 121 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,240 For example, 122 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:59,200 just because you feel right, 123 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,640 it doesn’t mean the other person is automatically wrong. 124 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,960 You can both be right! 125 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:07,680 Express this by saying “and” instead of “but.” 126 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,240 For example, 127 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,680 “I know that you’re keen on a vacation soon, 128 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:21,280 and I’m aware that we may need to watch our savings if we want to reach our goal this month.” (You express your opinion without positioning it against theirs. 129 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:26,480 Look how nicely they both sit together in the sentence without bothering one another!) 130 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,960 Try a Hypothetical 131 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:35,480 People-pleasers can sometimes think that to be assertive, 132 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:39,400 they need to loudly and boldly claim their opinion, 133 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:40,680 everyone else be damned. 134 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,280 But you don’t have to. 135 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:48,880 You can introduce a difference of opinion in the form of a question or a suggestion to consider some alternative scenario. 136 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:49,640 For example, 137 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:53,240 “A vacation would be amazing right now, 138 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:54,240 I agree. 139 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:59,640 Is there a way we can organize one while still meeting our savings goals for this month?” 140 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:04,720 Draw Attention to the Impact of Actions 141 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:11,480 It can feel awkward to draw attention to your disagreement or conflicting opinion, 142 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:12,760 especially in a work context, 143 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:18,000 because it can come across as an emotional or psychological admission. 144 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:22,840 It can seem like all you’re doing is presenting the other person with the fact of your disagreement, 145 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:26,600 which can sometimes feel like a dead end or even a challenge. 146 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,760 But you don’t have to frame things this way. 147 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:34,680 Keep your focus on the practical real-world outcomes of different ideas, 148 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:35,280 opinions, 149 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:35,920 or actions. 150 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:37,360 For example, 151 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,760 “If we go on a vacation next month, 152 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:43,600 it’ll probably cost us around $xxx. 153 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,240 How is that going to impact our savings plan?” 154 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:51,760 Become Curious About the Deeper Causes 155 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:59,040 Is there an underlying issue that it would be wise to address directly? 156 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,240 If you disagree with someone, 157 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:08,920 sometimes the issue is completely resolved when you dig a little deeper and find out the cause of that disagreement. 158 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,720 If you do this, 159 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,160 you get the chance to resolve things some other way. 160 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:13,800 For example, 161 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:17,480 “I thought we both agreed on our savings goals, 162 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:21,200 but it seems like a vacation is more of a priority for you now. 163 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:22,880 I’m curious, 164 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,040 what’s changed?” 165 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,800 In this example, 166 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:32,760 you may discover that the vacation is actually an attempt to solve a deeper problem, 167 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,760 let’s say work stress. 168 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,640 Once you know what this problem is, 169 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,440 you can solve it directly, 170 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:43,760 maybe without spending money on a vacation—it’s a win-win situation. 171 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:47,480 You’ll notice that in all of the above strategies, 172 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:51,160 expressing a different opinion does not require you to be forceful, 173 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,520 inconsiderate, 174 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:53,280 pushy, 175 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:54,240 or arrogant. 176 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,400 In a very real way, 177 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,280 this is the real path to avoiding conflict! 178 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,720 With good communication, 179 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,040 reasonable boundaries, 180 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,720 and a spirit of open-mindedness, 181 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:09,360 you approach any difference of opinion calmly and without seeing it as a threat. 182 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:14,080 And that gives you the best possible chances of resolving conflict, 183 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:18,480 not just sweeping it under the carpet to be uncovered later. 184 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:22,960 If conflict avoidance is a stubborn issue for you, 185 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:29,040 it may be worth working on your core assumptions on your own time before you encounter potential conflict with others. 186 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:32,080 Here are a few things to guide your process: 187 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,040 What are you really avoiding? 188 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:43,000 The superficial answer is “conflict!” but ask yourself what you are actually avoiding by avoiding conflict. 189 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,840 Does it have something to do with the need to be liked, 190 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:47,720 the need to prevent rejection, 191 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:51,600 or the need to maintain harmony as a matter of self-preservation? 192 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:54,760 It may be a special blend of all of these! 193 00:10:54,760 --> 00:11:01,440 Use the “Five Whys” technique and keep burrowing down to what you are really running away from. 194 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:02,440 For example: 195 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:07,320 I don’t want to keep paying so much money to be a bridesmaid several times a year, 196 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,160 and I hate the stress of it all, 197 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,480 but I never say no. 198 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,080 Why? 199 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,200 I don’t want to get into a big argument about it. 200 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,840 If I say no, 201 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,480 then my friends will be upset with me. 202 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:19,800 Why? 203 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:23,400 Because they’ll think that I’m a bad friend. 204 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:24,760 Why? 205 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,840 Because good friends do whatever they’re told, 206 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:28,680 no question. 207 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:29,960 Why? 208 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,160 Because if they don’t, 209 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,360 then why would people want them around? 210 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,120 Why? 211 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:41,120 Because people only have value if they are useful to others. 212 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,440 If they aren’t, 213 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:46,920 then there’s no reason for them not to be discarded! 214 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,120 And there it is. 215 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,560 You are not really afraid of conflict, 216 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:55,880 but of being discarded or abandoned if you don’t comply. 217 00:11:55,880 --> 00:12:02,560 The conflict is a scary thing to avoid only because it would lead to this discarding, 218 00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:04,320 which is what you’re really afraid of. 219 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:09,280 The thing about this technique is that you may be surprised by what you uncover, 220 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:11,200 and your deepest, 221 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:16,320 most hidden motivations are always going to be completely unique to you. 222 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:22,360 Notice in the above example that the answers to the questions aren’t necessarily true. 223 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,280 They are simply a reflection of the core beliefs, 224 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:26,320 assumptions, 225 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,080 and narratives that are being held. 226 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:32,920 It may be that once you clearly verbalize these hidden assumptions, 227 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,520 they have less of a hold on you. 228 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,120 “Wow. 229 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:39,200 Is this really how I want to feel about my friends?” 230 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:46,520 This exercise could lead you to more thoughtfully consider the cost of conflict avoidance. 231 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:51,920 Trying to avoid conflict is a strategy purely designed to reduce harm, 232 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:55,000 but you may realize that it doesn’t actually do this, 233 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,360 and in fact, 234 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,200 it creates additional harms of its own. 235 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,080 You lose self-respect, 236 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:03,920 you trash your own boundaries and invite others to do the same, 237 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,120 you quietly hold on to resentments, 238 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,960 and perhaps worst of all, 239 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:14,640 you forego the opportunity to have a genuine and intimate connection with another person. 240 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,960 Conflict may be unpleasant, 241 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,160 but it is real. 242 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,720 And it’s also the only thing that, 243 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:23,000 by going through it, 244 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:27,520 allows us to access positive outcomes like forgiveness, 245 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:28,960 reconciliation, 246 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,560 and deeper understanding. 247 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:34,080 Isn’t that worth more than the illusion of peace? 248 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,720 Takeaways 249 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:41,360 • People-pleasing is a complex learned behavior, 250 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,360 but it can be understood and changed. 251 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:47,560 One of the most common underlying causes is the need to be liked. 252 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:53,800 • We can counter this mindset by remembering we are like inkblots (i.e., 253 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,760 what people see is about them, 254 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:56,880 not about you) 255 00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:01,640 and understanding that your worth does not come from other people’s approval. 256 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:07,080 • When you untangle yourself from other people’s opinions and judgments, 257 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,800 you free yourself to ask what YOU want, 258 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,160 what you care about, 259 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:12,000 and what you value. 260 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:22,960 The “separation of tasks” exercise helps you to tease apart your responsibilities from other peoples’—their feelings are not your business. 261 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:29,480 • Over-giving stemming from fear of rejection is not genuine generosity. 262 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:32,760 Break the cycle by changing the core belief: 263 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:35,360 “I cannot survive rejection.” Instead, 264 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:40,280 court rejection deliberately and teach yourself that it doesn’t define you. 265 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:44,000 Challenge your narratives with self-compassion, 266 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,680 and focus on process, 267 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:46,440 not outcome. 268 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:56,040 • People-pleasing is sometimes part of a bigger behavioral response to childhood trauma called “fawning,” i.e., 269 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:58,000 a flood of appeasing, 270 00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,080 soothing, 271 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:01,280 and conciliatory behavior. 272 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:05,640 • You may need professional help to address a fawning habit, 273 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:09,320 but you can also make strides by re-parenting yourself. 274 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:14,480 This entails choosing to give to yourself now what you weren’t given as a child. 275 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:20,400 Reparenting also entails connecting with your values and principles, 276 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,800 getting in tune with your own emotions, 277 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:24,320 and learning to have fun! 278 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:29,960 • People-pleasers can be conflict avoidant, 279 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,520 but this is actually a high-risk strategy, 280 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:37,880 and you may gather resentments only to explode later (“gunnysacking”). 281 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,120 Instead, 282 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,440 use “and” instead of “but” in conversations, 283 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:46,600 or try the “Five Whys” technique to get to the heart of what you’re really avoiding. 284 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:51,400 This has been 285 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,200 Stand Up For Yourself, 286 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,440 Set Boundaries, 287 00:15:54,440 --> 00:16:04,160 & Stop Pleasing Others (if that’s okay with you…) (Be Confident and Fearless Book 9) Written by 288 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:04,960 Patrick King 289 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:10,920 Narrated by Russell Newton.