If you've been following along on threads, I've been updating pretty regularly about the number of downloads we've gotten, the number of unique listeners we've gotten.

I check every day for a number of reasons.

One of is I still sometimes need a proof and a reminder that I'm actually doing this.

So that helps.

Two really good ego boost.

Excellent ego boost.

I don't think I realized how much I appreciate a good ego boost until we started doing this.

And I had, like, actual proof that I could follow up on to be like, oh, I didn't tell any of these people to do anything.

And look, they're here.

So that's really good.

Good for my ego, maybe bad for everybody else, because I don't know that anybody else needs me with more of an ego.

But that's a different thing for another day.

But also I have something new to be nervous about, which I didn't consider, and that's become a thing.

So I was talking to our, I think, our producer about it the other day, and I said, honestly, the analytics weren't working.

And I also had no idea that I was going to give zero shits about the analytics.

But now that I have something with numbers and charts to look at, like numbers and charts that mean people like me, it has become a thing.

And so I log in.

Not all the time, sometimes only one time a day, and it's usually already on my tab.

So I just have to hit refresh.

It's not like I'm like, obsessively refreshing throughout the day, except sometimes when I obsessively refresh throughout the day.

Don't judge me, but I do, like, log in and look.

And one day I logged in and looked early.

Actually, unintentionally, it just happened to pop up.

Like, I really didn't go looking for it.

It just happened to be on my computer screen and it loaded and I was like, oh, wow.

And we had jumped, like, a huge amount, like a thousand downloads within a day.

And it was like, that can't be right.

And I refreshed and it was still correct.

And then I went back a little bit later because I had said something to my husband about it, and I didn't remember the number.

And it said that we had half as many downloads as it had said that morning when I felt like somebody ran over my puppy.

Like, I was so crestfallen.

I was like, maybe as many people don't like me as I thought, and I don't know what to do with all of these feelings and so, of course, the first thing I did was email our producer and be like, hey, is it possible that the analytics aren't working, or am I just an actual, like, loony person?

And he was like, no, I think they actually are doing analytics updates.

This is where we are.

And I was like, oh, okay, so I don't have to take that as a hit to my ego.

And he was like, no, your ego's fine.

It's probably more than fine.

You're good.

But then I would keep checking, and you would think.

You would think when we're having success, and we are.

And I can still, to this day, like, I do not know why any of you are here.

Thank you so much for being here.

But still, it doesn't make sense to me, and I will never understand it.

I still check, and I'm, like, nervous, and every day, I'm nervous about it.

And I realized I don't know if this is a Jewish thing.

I don't know if it's a generational trauma thing.

I feel like for those who have a small arsenal of Yiddish, it is a kinahura thing.

But I look every day and I'm like, well, I'm just waiting to log in because this is gonna be the day when everybody decides they hate me.

And then I log in, and I'm like, wait, that's more people than yesterday, and it's more people today than we got yesterday.

Not just that the number went up, but it went up by more than the number of people who listened yesterday.

But, like, it's my new thing to be neurotic about, and I didn't know I needed one.

I had picked all of the things to be neurotic about, and now I have a new one.

But if your brain works anything like mine does, I realize that we're doing this really cool thing that people are responding to really well, even though I don't understand why, and I still will never understand why.

And instead of being like, this is boss, I'm so excited.

I'm, like, walking around with a pit in my stomach going, when's it gonna end?

It's gonna be over soon, right?

This can't possibly happen for too long, right?

And then when it does, I'll be like, yeah, that's why I knew that.

I knew that.

So I have a theory about where this comes from.

This is not supported by any actual study.

Again, I am not a clinician.

I am just a person who runs my math.

But as someone who was raised by a person who took all of the Air out of the room anytime.

The air was not about them.

I think.

I think.

I don't know this for certain.

I've not run this by a qualified person.

I probably should, but I think I've just been conditioned to be like, well, this is gonna be bad at some point, because it's good now.

Which means it's gonna be bad at some point.

And I have to figure out how to work that out in my brain, because I would rather like to just, like, enjoy the fact that this is happening and not also feel guilty about the fact that someday it's gonna be like, oh, it's not happening anymore.

It is possible to just, like, enjoy shit while it's happening.

I haven't figured that out yet.

If you have any tips for that, send them my way, because that sounds like a delight.

But I can remember being, like, 10 years old and being on, like, vacation or school break or something and being like, well, I can't enjoy this because it's going to be over eventually.

Like, I don't think you're supposed to be like that when you're 10.

If somebody can prove that it's the Judaism, I will accept that.

That sounds very much like our repackaged generational trauma, but obviously this is something I need to work on.

Like, I should be enjoying this and I should be having fun with this.

We went to a conference last week and they mentioned that we have this really successful podcast, which I can't even believe I can say out loud.

It was in front of a room of people, a room of people that I was being paid to speak to, mind you.

And she mentioned it, and I could not have turned redder and could not have wanted to, like, be swallowed up by the floor.

More people were looking at me because she mentioned it, and that made me feel like I was gonna die.

And I was 10 minutes away from getting up on the stage so that those same people could look at me.

That doesn't make sense.

Anyway, thanks for being here, and I'm going to enjoy, for a brief period, in whatever way I can trick my brain into doing it, that you guys are here and you have repeatedly showed up.

And our repeat listenership is, like, crazy high.

Which is hard for me to believe, but thanks, friends.

And also know that at no point have I sat back with my feet up like, oh, we have this figured out.

Nope.

I'm waiting for you guys to be like, screw this chick.

Let's go find someone cooler.

She doesn't wear shoes.

She's probably wearing leggings.

Right now.

And it's.

It's true.

Both of those things are true.

Thanks for being here, guys.

Have a good day.

Love you mean it.