Every man carries some version of the fear of disappointing a woman,

the fear of saying the wrong thing, the fear of being too much or not

enough, the fear of being abandoned.

And out of this many men engage in people pleasing tendencies.

And of course this goes vice versa as well.

But speaking specifically about men today, as they engage in people pleasing

out of the fear of disappointing her out, of the fear of being rejected, if

they don't please her all the time, any action is rooted in fear, and creates

actually more tension and destroys and erodes intimacy, safety, and trust.

Because it's not about what a man does.

It's all about the energy behind it.

Women, especially women, connected to their intuition, feel this instantly

when a man is acting or showing up from a fear of disappointing her or being

rejected by her, or he's showing up from his true, authentic masculine core.

This episode is for both men and women.

For men, you will finally understand why this fear shows up in your

nervous system, how it sabotages your intimate life with the feminine, and

how you can break free from it with practical steps to step into your

grounded, authentic masculine presence.

And for women, you will understand at the deepest level why men struggle

with people pleasing patterns, why they lose themselves in relationship

and in this specific pattern.

This episode will speak to your heart.

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Subscribe now so you never miss the next episode.

Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics podcast.

My name is Lorin Krenn, and I'm an author, coach, and hypnotherapist.

I help you to understand masculine and feminine dynamics at the deepest level.

Let's begin very practical.

What is the fear of disappointing a woman?

At its core, it's a survival fear, actually.

Most men learned in early childhood that if I disappoint her, I will lose

love, meaning her, the mother, the first encounter with feminine energy,

if I upset her, I lose connection.

If she's unhappy, it means I have failed.

They started to take responsibility for their mother's or feminine

caretaker's emotional state, which wasn't actually their responsibility.

And out of that, displays out then in their adult intimate life.

This then turns a man's nervous system into a machine of performance.

And when one performs, there is the absence of truth, of leadership,

of authentic and true presence.

Performance is designed to avoid rejection.

I am performing for you, so you are not unhappy.

I'm performing for you, but deep down it's not for the other person.

That's the big mistake.

People pleasers don't do it for the other person, they do it to protect

themselves from the pain they felt when they were shamed in the past, when

they seem to have failed at protecting their mother or feminine caretaker.

It is to avoid that shame.

It never works.

It only leads to more pain and erode safety and intimacy.

The important thing to understand is a man cannot show up powerfully

in his life, specifically in his intimate life, while simultaneously

trying to avoid disappointment.

This constant need to avoid disappointment is gonna make him tiptoe around, be more

passive, be less clear, be less direct, be less certain, assertive, you name it.

He becomes passive.

He becomes hesitant all the time, and he becomes a mirror of what the woman

wants instead of the man he truly is.

On another note, often this relates to the mother, but it can also be a man seeing

his father, engage in deep people pleasing patterns, being passive, being hesitant.

There are many, infinite reasons why a man would display it.

The key thing is if it happens, then it needs to be worked

through in here and now.

So let's talk about how this fear of disappointment affects the feminine in

relationship at the most practical level.

Number one is a woman cannot feel his truth.

I worked with a client recently, a men's coaching client, and his wife

said to him, I can't feel your truth.

Not every woman will say these exact words, but she literally

said those exact words.

I cannot feel your truth.

What is going on?

The feminine nervous system has this ability or feminine intuition.

Her body has this ability to really feel whether a man's actions presence,

behavior, words, stem from his core, his authentic core, his true presence

or they come from some form of fear of disappointment, disappointing her,

fear of rejection, and ultimately some form of inner insecurity.

Number two is she cannot trust his yes or his no.

And this is really important because she starts to understand or feel

at a deeper subconscious level, not necessarily consciously aware of it, he's

saying what avoids conflict, not what is real to him, not what is important

to him, not what he actually means.

So if he says I want this, I want that, it's unclear to her.

She can't trust his yes or his no.

And that is very, very important.

A woman, specifically an awakened woman or a conscious woman, she needs

to be able to trust what a man says.

If he says I really want this, but then later on complains or says he didn't

actually want it and it was a sacrifice, which is kind of the people pleaser

resentment pattern, say something to avoid conflict and later on express resentment,

a total intimacy, safety and trust killer.

And this really doesn't feel safe for the feminine because she's like, well

ha, how on earth would I know I need to be able to trust your yes and no,

but even more importantly, not have resentment if you say yes to something,

but then actually don't want to do it.

Another way how this affects the feminine is that she's more on guard.

More on guard meaning is that she's constantly going to test, not test in a

manipulative, conscious, deliberate way, but she's going to feel, is this safe?

Can I lean onto this?

Can I really relax into this container?

This is gonna be kind of omnipresent in the background rather than wow, I

can just relax into this container.

It's a constant checking.

Is this actually say for scanning, which puts her on edge in the

relationship rather than allows her to really relax deeply and to receive

and to pour all her love that she wants to pour into the relationship.

And number four, really important is she loses respect.

It is very hard to have deep respect or deep trust in a man if what he says in

that moment is not his highest truth.

Even though people pleasers aren't inherently lying, it still is felt as

a lie and somewhat even as a betrayal at a subtle level, depending on

the context for the feminine heart, because it's just not the truth.

So if you say, yes, I like to do it, and later express resentment

towards her, then you as a woman are going to feel he didn't tell me the

truth, which is similar to a lie.

Now, there's a difference between someone deliberately lying, but at the same time,

withholding what someone truly wants.

And resentment is a form of lying.

It's just people pleasing tendencies can be so deeply rooted.

This was learned in childhood.

No excuse, but certainly an explanation.

Some people deliberately lie or manipulate.

With these people you can't be in a relationship.

It's not possible.

But in this case, the people pleasing patterns can be so deep and so

inherent that a man is not even aware that he's lying to avoid conflict.

Fact of the matter is wherever it comes from, it is signaled and

received as a lie, and that totally destroys trust and respect and safety.

The key thing to understand for every single man listening to this, and as a

woman, you will feel this in your heart.

The feminine is more disappointed by a man who hides his truth than

by a man who stands fully in it.

Yes, it is true.

A man who fully stands in his truth might rock the boat.

There might be a moment of discomfort in that moment as he's fully

standing in his power and truth.

But even if there is a slight moment of discomfort, and of course it depends

on the woman's level of awakening and level of consciousness, but we're talking

about an awakening or conscious woman, she's able to receive a man's boundaries.

I'm not talking about a woman who cannot receive a man's boundaries.

They will make for a very dysfunctional relationship, or

something has to shift, right, because that's very painful for both.

Now, that small moment of discomfort in setting a boundary actually

creates deeper respect and trust.

But a man who hides his truth, that can never create respect and trust.

Just very briefly, why do men develop this fear?

We already talked about the motto of father, where it could come from.

I'm not gonna go more into that, but one element to mention here as well

is that men learn from very young that harmony is safer than truth.

Quietness is safer than conflict.

Compliance gets love and connection.

Of course, not real love and connection, but back then it felt like the only

form of love which was real back then.

It's familiar even though it is not real love at the highest level.

And honesty gets punishment.

Some men have even experienced, or many, when they truly spoke their

truth, really shared their desires, he got them punished by a withdrawal of

love, and that is incredibly painful.

And a man carries this then in his nervous system, unless he discharges

or starts the process of discharging that energy out of his body.

And he carries that energy still inside him and then

brings that into relationship.

You can feel the shift here as I feel deep compassion for that,

as this is incredibly painful.

And that's where the performance pattern is born from.

Now let's go a little bit deeper into speaking to men specifically here.

How does this show up in relationship with the feminine in your internal

world, during people pleasing what is happening actually in specific

moments that create tension?

And safety and as the feminine, you will feel this deeply.

So we already talked about saying yes when you mean no,

that's kind of obvious, right?

But also over explaining to try to keep the harmony.

There is no clear I want this, but there be, it becomes a word salad.

You start over explaining, which is completely diluting what you actually

want, because you don't want to feel the discomfort of just saying,

this is what I want, this is what I think, this is how I think it is

best to do, should be, whatever.

It doesn't mean you enforce it and dominate, but it means you

can say with full decisiveness and assertiveness what you want, who

you are and where you want to go.

And if you're then overexplaining or it becomes a big word salad, then

ultimately what happens is that she hasn't got a clue and neither do you,

what you truly want in that moment.

And that level of lack of clarity is then what she's responding to.

Another one is changing your opinion.

The moment she disagrees, this is a big one, she says, no, I don't agree.

You say, yes, you're right, yes, you're right, yes, you're right.

It's okay to realize that you were wrong.

It's okay to realize that maybe her approach or her thoughts or

her belief might be more conscious.

That's fine, but it has to be a real and authentic realization you have in that

moment, and not some bullshit you make up in that moment to keep the peace.

If you change your opinion based on her reacting differently, then you

are like a leaf blowing in the wind.

But you are not meant to be a fucking leaf blowing in the wind.

You are meant to be the mountain.

You are meant to be.

The tree that is deeply fucking rooted into the earth.

Stop acting like a leaf, because that is what you do when you change

your opinion, you change your values, you change your traits.

You become a chameleon, so to speak.

And chameleons are powerful, they can change and they can

adapt, and it's powerful.

But in this case, it's not.

It's really not powerful.

Another one is apologizing excessively.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, i'm sorry.

And yes, we have to differentiate here.

In British culture, for instance, people say sorry much more.

It's part of the culture.

It doesn't necessarily mean it's, it's necessarily that.

So I need to make that distinction specifically for British culture here.

Now, unless you are British and that's part of your culture and you both engage

in more stories, and there's no wrong or right, it's just how culture is.

I've got respect for that deeply, for every culture and

every form of communication and why these things are important.

But specifically hearing moments in communication, this is different.

It's constantly apologizing for what?

For having a truth, for having desires, for wanting things

to be different perhaps.

It's thinking you have to apologize and over explain your

decisions, what you want, what you like, and what you don't like.

And what happens when you do that is it just doesn't feel very powerful to you.

There's a lot of insecurity in your body, and she's going to react and respond to

that insecurity, mirroring your state of consciousness and the true energetic

current that is alive in that moment.

Another one is asking for permission instead of making decisions, it's

beautiful to talk with her and ask her whether she's in alignment or agreement.

We're not doing some dominant, I decide my way or the highway bullshit.

That's not masculine leadership at all.

But at the same time, if you're kind of tiptoeing around asking for permission.

And asking her about every single thing in your life, she

becomes your spiritual coach.

It's not a role she wants, and if she steps into that role, it's gonna

totally erode intimacy because you're no longer partners, you're just tiptoeing.

Hey baby, should I do this?

Should I do that?

What do you think about this?

What do you think about that?

You become like a child who needs to ask like his mother every single thing.

It's not a powerful energy.

There's a big difference between baby I'd love your opinion on X, Y,

Z, because I'm thinking of, boom.

You already make clear where you're thinking, where you are heading,

what's your thought pattern?

You just want to quickly, quickly check in with her because you really appreciate her

intuition, you appreciate her opinion, you appreciate what she thinks of whatever,

but if you are outsourcing the decision to her, that's the people pleasing.

You have to be already rooted in decisiveness and assertiveness,

ideally, if you want the highest polarity and intimacy and

magnetism and depth of attraction.

But if it's like, baby, should I wear this or should I wear this?

Baby, should we go there or should we do this?

What do you think I should be doing?

Ah, that is shit.

Because what you are doing here is outsourcing your energy.

You don't feel powerful, and you feel like a boy in the relationship.

And funnily enough, you start to resent her.

You start to resent her, even though you are outsourcing

your decision making to her.

Let's say no to that bullshit.

So it's not about never asking her and going the other way, and

being someone my way, the highway.

That also exists, men who think, well, I don't even consider her.

Consider her.

You can ask her, but be rooted in what you want.

Be rooted in the decision or in the decision you think is best, and come from

that place of, assertiveness rather than using her to choose about what is right

and what is your truth in your life.

Because the thing is, if she then decides for you, it might not be your highest

truth and you will only have a resent her in that and feel disconnected.

Another one is avoiding serious conversations

because you fear hurting her.

You are afraid of her reaction.

You're afraid that she will abandon you.

But you have to have conversations when something is really important to you,

when something happened that you don't feel completely clear with, you need

to be able to address these topics.

It's never about being intense or why did you say this?

That can only lead to more disconnect.

It's really about coming from your truth and saying, baby, I just want

to quickly talk about what happened yesterday that didn't feel right to me.

Right?

I want to talk about this with you.

And a woman who's conscious will be able to receive that or listen to you and

then offer her deepest truth of what she felt was happening in that moment.

These patterns might feel small in the moment, but in the long run, they destroy

trust, intimacy, and safety entirely.

She loses respect for you because deep down you don't respect yourself.

Now let's get to the heart of the episode.

What steps can you take as a man?

And as the feminine when you hear this, I believe your nervous

system and heart will be able to exhale with a deep sigh and relief.

Men tell the truth in one clean sentence.

Don't decorate the truth.

Stop softening it.

Stop sugarcoating, apologizing, or apologizing for it existing.

Say what is real.

One clean sentence.

Remember that mantra?

One sentence to speak the truth.

Not 20, not a hundred.

One clear sentence.

When it's about what you want about a decision, about your values, or about

your virtues, remember the mantra one clean sentence, because that is

able to land in her nervous system.

She's able to hear that.

Oh, yes, makes sense.

And then it needs a little bit of silence.

It's not about some fucking performing acting here and then 30

seconds of silence, but it's like, here's my truth, boom, and a short

moment of stillness and silence.

What this creates is that you are able to actually feel discomfort of

her potentially not agreeing with it, and that's really important.

So you say your truth, and then you just allow anything to be in that moment.

Many times she might have a really good reaction, but you can't make

your truth depend on how she responds.

You need to be able to hold space for whatever arises after you speak truth.

And when you can say the truth in one clean sentence and you can be with

any potential discomfort momentarily that might arise, then by definition,

you are no longer a people pleaser.

You are not responsible for her feeling disappointed or responding perhaps

not in the way you intended her to respond to your truth or to expressing

something important to your heart, but you are responsible for your own

integrity, your own practice of speaking the truth, and then holding the space.

Another really important is make the decision and stand behind it.

But don't start with big and massive decisions.

Start with extremely small things.

If you are constantly outsourcing decision making to her, and maybe she

took on unconsciously the role of doing this for you, start small and build your

masculine nervous system around owning and stepping fully into decision making.

This could be very simple, about something you want to do in your

life about where you want to go.

And even if she doesn't agree, that doesn't matter.

It's your decisiveness.

It's, it's the difference between you saying, Hey baby, what do you

want to do at the weekend to baby.

I want to take you out for a date night.

I'm thinking of this restaurant at this time, or.

In the evening, and I'd love for you and me to have a really nice date, night,

to connect, to not have our phones on, and to really have time for us.

Hmm.

Feed into that difference.

Then you can still ask, I'm thinking of this restaurant,

I'm thinking of this place.

How does that align with you?

And she might say, well, I don't like this place, but I'd love a date night.

Or many cases you most likely know which place she might

like or will like or likes.

She will respond so positively to that.

And that's how you start.

Build that.

Build that, build that one clear sentence.

Make the decision.

If she disagrees, fine, you are in partnership.

You honor that.

You listen to her, but you don't outsource your decision making.

Breathe through discomfort.

This is extremely important in those moments where you say

something and she might disagree, rove or your worst nightmare.

Of that specific wounding comes into play where you feel, oh, she might just

be abandoning me, which in most cases won't be what's actually happening,

but in some cases it genuinely might, but then it's a blessing, vice versa,

it's a blessing if someone abandons you, when you speak your highest truth,

rooted and grounded in your heart.

Now breathing through discomfort is really important because in those

moments where there might be tension,

deep breathing, full expansion of the lower belly, not short chest

breathing, but really allowing the breath to go all the way into the

lower body, into the lower belly.

If you can breathe into the discomfort, it means you can hold space for the

discomfort, and it means you are basically teaching your body and

nervous system it is safe to speak my truth, it is safe to set a boundary,

and no matter what the response is, I can hold the emotional field.

And the last one really important, celebrate the moments where

you did not abandon yourself.

Celebrate the moments where you chose truth over approval seeking.

Write them down, keep a little journal at the end of each day.

This is enormously powerful because by celebrating them and feeling gratitude for

these moments, you are strengthening the kind of energetic state of you standing

securely in your fucking highest truth.

Now, as you know, as you can sense, I'm very passionate about this topic

and, uh, when I'm very passionate about a topic, specifically as passionate

about this year, it's because I've seen shifts that are really beyond

what I thought are possible, shifts from total lack of safety, a lot of

pain, to incredible transformations in relationships where a man stepped out of

that people pleasing and really started to rewire himself step by step and step.

And for the feminine to start to fully, fully open to him to trust

him again, it is entirely possible.

Because the difference is people pleasing, is conditioned behavior.

People pleasing.

If we're merely talking about people pleasing is never deliberate manipulation.

So as a woman, if a man is open to this, he's working through this, then

you can find compassion to as to where it comes from, because this is very

different than a man lying to you.

But it's still, it needs to shift.

Also, what I've noticed important to mention is that many times when

men have people pleasing patterns, they often are in relationship with

a woman who struggles also with strong boundaries or with boundaries,

masculine boundaries in general.

Maybe there's a father wound and it feels like no, boundaries feel unsafe to her.

This can kind of aggravate each other's challenges.

specifically the people pleasing patterns on the man's end.

So this is very, very important to understand.

The journey of working for people pleasing patterns doesn't always just mean the

man works through it, and that's it.

There might also be a big learning curve and, and, and, and growth opportunity

for the feminine to actually be able to receive a man's truth fully.

Thank you for listening or watching this episode.

It's an honor to have you here.

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