Heather Shannon (00:00.502)

Recording in progress.

All right, hello, hello, my loves. Today, we're gonna talk about the five emotional mistakes that are quietly destroying your sex life. So if sex has become a source of conflict, confusion, stress, or maybe resentment in your relationship, and you're not fully understanding why that's the case, this is the episode for you. So.

Most couples that I'm working with are not struggling because they don't love each other or they don't have enough compatibility or they aren't trying hard enough. They're typically struggling because they're trying at the wrong things. It's like they're aimed in the wrong direction and not actually conceptualizing the problems in their sex life in a helpful way. And so they're making these emotional mistakes about sex.

that they don't even always realize that they're making, that they usually don't.

And that doesn't mean that you're not emotionally intelligent or you're not a good communicator, but this is just the fact of what I'm seeing most commonly in my practice. So this episode is not about libido hacks or orgasm tips or trying to want sex more. It's more about understanding the emotional patterns underneath sex that are shaping how your sex life feels over time.

Heather Shannon (01:28.878)

So I'm gonna walk you through five of the most common emotional mistakes that couples are making around sex. You'll probably recognize one or two. And hopefully by the end you're gonna have a completely different way of understanding what is actually happening between you and your partner.

So this episode also connects to some of the recent conversations we've been having about desire and about the emotional layers of your sex life. So if you have been listening for a while, you will hear how these ideas build on each other. Okay, so we're going to get into the mistakes. The first one is taking your partner's desire or their lack of desire personally. I see this.

very commonly and it's understandable and I think we actually do this as a protective mechanism. So

If somebody doesn't like us, if we don't get a promotion, if we get in a fight, the tendency is you're going to blame ourselves or blame the other person, right? And if we're choosing to stay in a relationship with someone, I think it's easier psychologically to blame ourselves because we want to feel, we don't want to feel helpless, right? If it's, if it's only the other person.

It's easier to just be like, well, what am I doing wrong? Or what can I share? I'm just not attractive enough. Or I've gained weight. Or I've been crabby lately. Or they just find someone else more attractive, whatever it is. So I think we actually do that in a way as a protective mechanism. But the truth is, at least from what I see,

Heather Shannon (03:14.67)

most of the time, especially if someone's gonna be actively working on the issue, working with a sex or intimacy coach, then they're invested, you know? So if someone's invested in the relationship, it's probably not that they just like don't like you anymore, you know, or don't think you're cute. And I think that's sometimes hard to wrap our heads around, but the people that I'm working with who maybe have a low libido,

or who don't want sex with their partner for whatever reason, it's usually not because they just don't find their partner physically attractive. That's actually very, very rarely the case. It could be emotional things, right? That's the theme of our episode today. It could be that...

There's some built up resentment, right? It could be that they don't feel the emotional intimacy that they want to feel in order to have sex. That's especially in a long-term committed love relationship. Like this is not casual sex. This is not just like dicking around, having fun. You know, people often need that emotional connection to be on point in order to have the sexual interest in the sexual connection. So,

when your partner is maybe having a lower libido, it doesn't mean that you're not good enough, you're not good looking enough, something's wrong with you, but it does mean that there is a dynamic in the relationship that is not working to enhance your sex life, right? It doesn't mean anyone's a failure. I think this is so, I just want to really normalize this. I think this is so common for

well-educated, intelligent people who have been to therapy before, who don't suck at communicating, to still feel stuck in this area.

Heather Shannon (05:10.99)

it is because when we get hurt, we tend to kind of retreat into our little turtle shell, right? We kind of are like, Oh, that hurt. You don't love me. can't, I can't face this. This is too hard. We go into our turtle shell. Understandable. Let's be compassionate with ourselves about that. Okay. But let's also recognize it and maybe stop doing it. Step one, be compassionate about it. But when that happens, we're not staying curious, right? Like we're not staying curious about,

What is it behind my partner's lack of interest? Are they interested sometimes? When they used to be interested, what was different? And so we wanna stay curious and ask questions in a gentle way. Sometimes when we feel hurt, we also get defensive and we can kind of counter attack and turn it into an argument and then we're not getting where we wanna go.

Heather Shannon (06:04.46)

Okay, number two. So this is the second of the five common emotional mistakes people are making. Blaming or moralizing your partner around sex. And again, these are protective mechanisms, protective parts, defense mechanisms that we all have. So I just want to emphasize like you're human. Don't expect yourself to not have any of these. That said,

try and face them head on and work on them. And I think you're gonna be very happy with where you wind up in the end. Okay, so examples of blaming or moralizing your partner around sex. It could be like, oh, they're selfish. A lot of times what I hear, especially from men, and I think this is often from fairly like masculine men who maybe are not as much about like verbally processing all their feelings. I think sex can carry so much emotional meaning

And I think where there's a disconnect in terms of how we're socialized and programmed, you know, when I was brought up, I'm socialized as a woman, it was kind of like, men are only after one thing. And the way it was said, it was really like, they just want to take something from you and this is bad and they're being selfish and sex is superficial and they should really care about you as a human. Like it's very loaded, right? So I think it's important to know that like,

a lot of women have been programmed that way. And then if we layer on, you know, negative education around all the terrible things that can happen around sex and the fact that women especially have been slut shamed and like you shouldn't have too many partners, you shouldn't be too sexual or you're going to have a bad reputation and no one's going to want you. Right. It could also be so it could be like, hey, how how come you don't how could you leave me hanging like this? Like

How could you let me feel so like unwanted and so unloved and like, do not care about me. So that might, especially if you're in a male female relationship, the man might be feeling that way. And it's important to realize how your female partner was socialized. And then women, if you're with a man who's feeling that way, it's easy to be like, know, well, sex is superficial or that's like all you care about or, know,

Heather Shannon (08:27.608)

don't, I don't know, like why do you only focus on that or it seems like anything nice you do it's just because you want sex, you know, and they might feel like it's transactional or you're pouty or you're putting pressure on them or you're pestering them. And I think it's important for women to remember that guys are not always encouraged to like talk openly about feelings and

to have the emotional intimacy that like girlfriends often have with each other, right? And so it's important to remember that they are getting maybe even more from a sexual encounter on an emotional level and that that is really meeting some core needs of, you know, feeling connected, feeling energized in the world. Like I've seen this happen in my clients where when a male partner starts

getting to have more sex with his partner again, he is energized. He's like doing more around the house. He's feeling like his best self at work and he's like showing up with just like more pep in his step. And so when you look at it that way, like sex is something that fills your emotional cup, right? It fills your tank so that you're just like, yes, I can face the world. Yes, I can handle the stressors that come my way. Yes, I can thrive and not just be sort of

It's almost like starving, right? I think sometimes these men are like starving in a way for sex because they are depending on it to meet certain needs. And the fact that it's not being met, it's like, it's kind like, why aren't you feeding me? I'm starving here. And it can feel cruel. So I think what we need to do in this area is have compassion for each other's perspectives, right? To understand like, hey,

We were socialized different. I didn't really understand this is where you're coming from. Let me at least try to understand. You might still not get to the same place, but when you realize this is your partner, you are on the same side. You do actually want the same thing usually, right? Most people in a loving relationship want to be having sex, but sometimes people might need certain things to happen first so that they feel safe and so they feel like they have something to give and so that they feel

Heather Shannon (10:48.43)

comfortable enough to be vulnerable with you. And so that's where you can be curious. And that can also take some time, you know? So if you're the one who is feeling like you're starving for sex, to just remember like, hey, somehow I got through when I was single. What do I need to do to take care of myself? How can I get this energy out in other ways? And also how can I see that my partner is showing up for me and they do love me? It might just not look like what I want it to look like right now.

But yeah, so this particular mistake can look like my partner is so selfish or my partner is so demanding or they are just cold and frigid. They just don't like sex, you know, so it can be really blaming. So we want to stay away from that as much as possible. So if you have this going on, acknowledge it, be kind to yourself about it and lean into understanding.

Okay, which brings us actually to our third one.

Heather Shannon (11:57.014)

Okay, so.

Heather Shannon (12:02.872)

So the third mistake that I'm commonly seeing is that we're having a lack of empathy for the sexual wounds that people are carrying with them into their relationships. This can be things like trauma, sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, consent violations, even if they're not rape, just if you say no and someone does something anyways, it can be harder to feel.

Safe being sexual with somebody. I think also not grasping how deeply emotional pain around sex can kind of land. It could also feel like, oh, my partner.

was maybe bullied growing up for how they looked, right? And they felt super unwanted and that's a wound they're bringing to the table. could be heart, it could just be heartbreak, you know? I think most people have gone through some kind of heartbreak at some point in their lives. So that can also be really tough. And so when we come to the table and we're like, ugh, well.

you know, my partner's just being a jerk or they're not even trying or they're not communicating the way I ask them to. And we can kind of be more in our anger. We can kind of be more in separate corners, right? I'm kind of thinking of like, we're in separate corners of the boxing ring here. And what I find is that when we're in that space, we're not really able to solve anything. We have to get to a place of forgiveness.

before we can move forward. And once we are able to understand our partner deeply enough, really, because empathy is really about putting yourself in someone else's shoes. Can you imagine what it's like to be in their shoes day to day? What it would be like to be in their body? How they feel emotionally? And a lot of that comes from attunement, is just really noticing, you know, when does your partner feel like,

Heather Shannon (14:13.218)

Like they're, they have a big sigh or there's like frustration or they've been carrying all this tension or they are pent up and stressed or they're sad and they're feeling lonely and they're feeling rejected. So just tuning into our partner's cues, what does their body language look like? What are their facial expressions looking like? Can we kind of even do almost as like a guided meditation?

What if I had some of their sexual wounds or their rejection wounds or their body dysmorphia wounds, whatever it is, right? Everyone, everyone is bringing some of those wounds and insecurities to the table, right? We wouldn't be human if we didn't have those. And so this is part of also what's so magical about emotional and sexual intimacy is that

we're holding space for our partner to show up as this imperfect, sometimes insecure, sometimes wounded human that they are. And we're finding a way to take such pleasure in that, right? And like that is such a beautiful thing, but we have to practice that skill sometimes of holding that space in a non-judgmental way and fully letting our partner come as they are.

Right? It's like the name of Emily Nagowski's book, Come As You Are. So it's a beautiful concept, but it takes practice because we can be so in our own wounds that we're not really able to see what's going on.

with our partner. And so this is actually what I work on with my clients in the Pathway to Passion program is learning how to manage your own emotions and wounds so that you can see past them and really see what is going on with my partner. How can I be curious? How can I understand better? And guess what? When you're receiving that kind curiosity and that compassion from your partner, you feel safe. You feel like you can be vulnerable. And so then we're starting to create the

Heather Shannon (16:17.472)

conditions for sex to happen, right? That's like a prerequisite for great sex to happen. So we start with that. Okay, so now we're talk about the fourth mistake. And this one is expecting sex because you're in a relationship, because you're cohabitating, because you're married, because you used to have lots of sex.

for any reason. And so we might think, well, this is what a relationship is. And like, you're not fulfilling your part of the bargain here. You know, this is what we signed up for. And I get that, especially when you're feeling like your needs aren't being met or like you're being ignored or like it feels like it's getting to a point where it's just cruel to you and you're not able to be your best self and you're struggling.

Heather Shannon (17:14.478)

And so what we want to do in this situation instead is use some of that empathy that we learned from the third mistake and kind of assess the situation, right? Because somebody might have a health issue going on. Somebody might have a mental health issue going on. It could be that

for whatever reason, maybe there was an affair, maybe there was a financial betrayal, maybe there was some other painful thing in the past, and we're not quite over it. The point is here though, it doesn't actually matter what the reason is, it could just be someone doesn't feel great in their own body.

They're like, I'm just not feeling really cute. I'm not feeling real sexual. It could be that their hormones have changed and maybe they're going through andropause or perimenopause, right? Everyone's hormones change. It could be that some other injury happened, right? So if we just expect sex as an obligation, pregnancy is actually another one, a big one, right? There tends to be a lot less sex.

when someone is close to giving birth and then shortly after they give birth and then especially if they're breastfeeding a child that affects hormones and so there's lots of reasons why people might not want to have sex and I think when we go into a relationship attaching to the idea that there should be sex anytime we're attaching to the way things should be we're creating frustration and anxiety for ourselves

Right? And sometimes things may be that way, but not always. Life changes. We go through different phases of life. We age. We have career changes. We have aging parents we have to take care of. We have young kids we have to take care of. We have health issues. We have financial issues. We have depression or anxiety that creeps up because the world is stressful.

Heather Shannon (19:27.106)

There's so many things going on that if we're adding sex as an obligation instead of sex just being this organic thing between two people that they want to do that connects them, that's going to create a problem in the marriage, right? And this one I think is important because you're working against your own best interests, right? So if you are hoping for or expecting sex,

Well, hoping for is okay. But if you're expecting sex in your marriage, in your long-term relationship, whatever the situation, there's a sense of pressure on your partner. And I've mentioned this in other episodes. Pressure is one of the number one libido killers, right? We usually want to have sex because somebody seems enticing, they seem exciting.

We perceive them as physically attractive. We perceive them as having a high social status. Whatever it is, we're into that, right? There's some like build up. There's some anticipation. There's some will we or won't we? But when it's a chore, when it's seen as an obligation, when it's seen as a must have,

you know, that can take the joy out of it for people, that can take the authenticity out of it for people. So, and I also want to be really clear here, I'm not saying give up on sex. Obviously I wouldn't do this work if I thought you should just not care about sex. But what I am saying is, can you meet your partner in that curiosity, in that compassion and empathy?

instead of in a demanding way, instead of in a transactional way, instead of in a pestering way or pressuring way. And I think when you start to understand the why, you know, hey, why are they not having sex? What is going on? How can I support them? And if you express more vulnerably, and it can be very hard, I want to acknowledge this. It can be very hard when you're feeling rejected, when you're feeling like your partner has cruelly ignored your sexual needs.

Heather Shannon (21:38.712)

When you feel like you used to have a great sex life and it went out the window and you don't know how to get it back and it doesn't seem like they care sometimes, that can be really hard to be vulnerable in that situation. But when we are vulnerable with our partner, it tends to be more disarming to them. And it's hard for them to get defensive. It's hard for them to want to cause a fight with us. And actually it might encourage them to be a little bit vulnerable too.

And you can start by just saying your positive intention. It could just be like, hey, no, we've been fighting about this. I don't want to fight with you about this anymore. Like, I love you. The reason I want to have sex with you is because I'm into you. And when we used to connect, I loved that. And I felt so right and close. I don't know how to get back there yet, but I just want to see, like, is it something you're willing to work on with me? You know, is that something you also want? And that could be a great first step. Okay, now.

The last mistake, this one I think is probably pretty surprising to people. it's important to consider that the first, up to the first two years of a new relationship is considered the honeymoon phase. So it's anywhere from six months to two years where we have all these like wild and crazy, sexy hormones happening. Right? So sometimes it wears off a little faster for people. Sometimes it lasts a little bit longer.

But what I have found with clients is that a lot of times those first two years, or the first year, again, it's roughly two years, they can mask the real issues that are going on. So it could be that someone actually has kind of a low libido in general, but...

could be that somebody has a pretty low libido in general, but maybe they're long distance, maybe they're in the honeymoon phase and they're kind of like, ooh, so excited. And you're like, oh, every time we would see each other in the weekends, we would have sex all weekend. Okay, great. But then the honeymoon period ends, you move in together, the mystique is gone, the anticipation can be gone, the will there won't they is gone, the hormones have gone down.

Heather Shannon (23:54.36)

And then you're like, why are we sex issues? What's wrong? And I don't think anything's actually wrong, but I kind of think that is the time to be like, this is our actual baseline, right? All those hormones in the honeymoon phase, that was not a realistic baseline for our sex life.

That was just sort of like fun chemicals in our brain that were driving a lot of it. So it can mask if somebody is actually a little squeamish or uncomfortable around sex. It can mask if there's some trauma that's actually affecting. It can mask if they maybe have some discomfort in their body. It can mask if they have anxiety around sex even at times.

Sometimes the issues do pop up anyways during the honeymoon period, which I think actually is nice in a sense that it allows us to address them earlier on. But most often they don't. And then it can catch us by surprise when these issues pop up, but it doesn't need to be a problem per se. And so I think instead of framing it,

as, no, something has gone terribly wrong. It could just be like, okay, great, we had such a good time during our honeymoon phase, yay for that.

And, especially if you love this person, you're planning to spend your life with this person, it's like, okay, now it's time to dig in and do the work. Let's find out what's really going on. Let's work through some of the discomfort around sex, the not fully accepting our own sexuality, the squeamishness in conversing about sex, at performance anxiety.

Heather Shannon (25:28.878)

the feelings of rejection, you know, there's sometimes where we have our own securities and so then we don't initiate, there could be some imbalance in that that maybe isn't working for you in your partnership. And so again, don't be afraid of these issues. It could be like, okay, great, this is another way that we're gonna learn about each other. Let's also remember the point of sex is connection. This is another way we're gonna actually build emotional intimacy.

through sex and through talking about sex and through learning about who each other is and their wounds and is a sexual being. And it's really another way to practice unconditional love, right? So instead of it being like, I will love you if you check these boxes and everyone's healthy and whatever, that's, mean.

Hopefully that's not what we signed up for. we knew better that, you know, we're all human and there's going to be some shit that we have to face if we're being very honest with ourselves. But this doesn't have to be scary stuff, right? And I mean, that's part of why this podcast exists. This is part of why I do the coaching work that I do because none of us are actually equipped to have these conversations, right? Like they are sensitive. We have to go.

deeper in terms of the emotional layers to understand. don't necessarily want to just... What I find is that people stick to pretty surface layers.

So it might be like, okay, there's the really obvious surface layer. Maybe they go one layer deeper, but I feel like there's a third and a fourth layer that is like where the actual solutions live. And that's where I think having a coach or a therapist can be super important to help us get to those. So I hope that this was helpful for you guys. We have some more solo episodes coming up. I'm gonna be doing a little solo series. So I hope you guys enjoy that. And we're gonna be focusing, know, especially as we hit this new year on,

Heather Shannon (27:23.374)

the emotional layers, the emotional layers of our sex life. if you guys have any comments, if you have any requests of things you want me to cover in that vein, feel free to email us at askasextherapistpodcast at gmail.com. Make sure to follow the show and I will catch you guys next week on another episode of Ask a Sex Therapist.