9: Men Are Not Clueless About Relationships

Welcome to Make More Love, the show for the entrepreneurial man who wants a hot and healthy marriage as well as a successful business. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your place for straight up judgment-free conversations about merging the demands of business with the needs of a fulfilling relationship.

We're all about supporting you to be extraordinary in your personal and your professional life, living fully in every way that counts.

Before we jump in just a reminder that the Make More Love show is for information and entertainment purposes only. It is not a substitute for the guidance of a qualified mental health or medical professional.

I've got something to get off my chest!

But first, I want to let you know about something I'm offering for my listeners:

A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships, and I want to help. So, I'm offering my listeners a free Relationship Reset Call:

It's a quick 15 minutes with just you and me. We'll figure out what problem to tackle first. Then we'll lay out a plan with one or two steps to get you moving in the right direction. And after that, if you'd like more help I'll let you know how to get it.

If you let your relationship go to shite, the cost to your financial, social and emotional wellbeing is enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen.

Head over to relationshipresetcall.com to grab your spot. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love... in Your Life and With Your Wife.

Let me tell you something...

I am sick and tired of the relentless portrayal of men as clueless in relationships... being depicted in TV, films, and social media as either idiots or overgrown children in need of supervision.

It's not just wrong. It's actively harmful. And I believe we should put it to bed right now.

So let's start with a story from my real life that's going to smash some of these stereotypes.

Sometimes I need a little incentive to get to work on a Monday, so this week I went out to breakfast with my girlfriend.

So we're sitting in the cafe drinking coffee, and at the table next to us are two guys. I'm guessing there were in their fifties. They were hardcore Bostonians, complete with the Mark Walberg accent.

Wanna bet what they were talking about?

Well, if it's Boston on a Monday, sports would be a safe bet!

After all:

The Celtics won over the weekend. They enter the playoffs in first place.

The Bruins clinched a spot in their playoffs without even playing...

And the Red Sox didn't suck in their opening series against Seattle.

So like I said, sports would have been a great bet, but no...

They were talking about relationships, relationship problems to be exact. Serious gritty details of couple's counseling and emotional struggles. And it was profound because there they were no masks, no posturing. One opening up about not being emotionally open. One listening, intently asking the right questions without judgment and in no rush to solve the problem. And it wasn't just a couple of minutes. This conversation lasted the whole time they were at breakfast.

So why am I telling you this?

I'm glad you asked. Here is my answer:

Too many people think that men are clueless about relationships!

That conversation in the coffee shop shatters the belief that men don't get relationships, that they're not tuned in or working on them. Here are these two ordinary guys proving that the stereotype is flat out wrong.

But sometimes that's not how it's seen, is it?

By the way I did not go up to them and tell them I'm a relationship coach. They were doing just fine without me butting in.

So how many memes have you seen that make men out to have no emotional intelligence? How many times have you heard women say that a husband is just like another kid to them? Or worse, she owns a, t-shirt saying, "Raising my Husband is Exhausting."

Maybe you've been told that your communication skills are lacking or that you don't listen.

Or that you aren't pulling your weight around the house or taking care of the kids.

Or that you only help out when you think it's going to lead to sex.

[00:04:10] Or that you always put your work first.

[00:04:13] It's so common that both men and women may start to believe it.

But it's a little more complex than this.

What do you think is going to happen when this is your life?

You're the go-to guy in your business. You're respected. You're the leader. People are lined up to ask for your advice or get your approval.

Then you get home.

Nobody's waiting in line.

You can't do anything right.

You're a problem, an idiot, another kid.

It's downright disrespectful and it drives us to want to spend more time where we feel good.

But!

Here's what...

I believe in men.

Well okay, maybe, not every guy, but you know what? If you're listening to this show right now, you're one of the ones I believe in.

I believe that men care about their relationships, that they know in their relationships aren't working, that they aren't avoiding fixing it and they're not ignoring it. They want to fix it.

They may even be willing to get help to fix it. If that's what it will take.

I believe it's not the men who are broken.

It's respect for men's emotional intelligence that has broken down.

That's where we need to start changing the game.

And I have some things to say specifically to women on this topic, but that is for another time.

Respect is the core of a good business and it's the heart of a strong relationship.

So if respect is lacking in your relationship Then we want to fix that.

But this is a complicated problem because you might feel like your partner is the one who needs to change. And you're right!

But... you may have noticed that telling your partner they need to change is not a recipe for Making More Love.

So then what is?

I'm going to share that recipe with you right now.

In your business I'm sure you've learned about the importance of company culture, right? Company culture is a core factor in driving a successful sustainable business. A strong company culture creates a bond between employees and their workplace that cultivates loyalty, a shared desire to succeed, and a sense of ownership.

The exact same thing is true in your relationship. So, I invite you to create a Culture of Respect in your relationship. Once you put this culture in place and prove that you're committed to it, you will influence your partner to start thinking that way too.

I'm going to share with you five key principles to create a culture of respect in your relationship:

#1: Upgrade the Outgoing Messages

If you and/or your partner have gotten into habits of minimizing each other's concerns, sniping at each other, arguing for sport, farting with impunity, or other disrespectful behaviors, then change how you play. Make a true effort. Work on it on your own for a few weeks.

Studies have shown it takes a minimum of 21 days to either break an old habit or to establish a new one. So let's hedge our bets and change the way you interact with your partner unilaterally for 42 days. Then, if you need to, you can ask your partner if they are willing to do the same. But you might find you don't even have to ask because you'll already have influenced them by your own actions. So that's number one.

#2: Become Present

I've talked about this in quite a few other places. But for a simplified approach:

Stop what you're doing and listen to your partner when they are talking.

Remember what you heard.

Follow through on any agreements you make.

And just those three steps will go a long way to making your partner feel like you are present with them.

#3: Eliminate Contempt... even if you're just joking around.

The famous relationship expert, john Gottman, says that contempt is one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of relationships"

And you can really see it, especially when we've been married for a long time. It's just part of the banter of relationships. It becomes part of the fabric. And I'm suggesting that we should remove it .

That includes things like name calling, mocking, and making fun, but it also includes a little bit more serious things, like jumping to conclusions or making assumptions about your partner's actions, reactions or behaviors.

Now, you're going to have to get present with yourself on this one. And you might start to see some behaviors that you might not be comfortable to admit.

You don't have to admit them right away. Just stop doing them.

#4: Express Gratitude.

Start acknowledging the little things your partner does, even if they always do them, even if they're expected, or even if they automatically do it, and even if it doesn't take them much effort. Just say Thank You. This is something that we really get away from pretty early in our relationships, and there's gold. In continuing to thank and show gratitude to your partner over the long haul.

For example, if your partner makes dinner, say, "Thank you for dinner, it was delicious." If they picked up the lottery tickets, if they said something nice about you to someone else when you were within earshot... I don't know, it's a million things. Just notice and say thank you.

#5: Pay Attention to Mental Load.

This is a topic that's been getting a lot of attention over the past few years, and it's really worth a look. Mental load is the cognitive and emotional labor that any task requires; the forethought, the planning, the remembering where, when, and how to get the job done without excessive oversight or input from the other partner.

I'd like to give you a contrasting example:

In the first case...

You can say, "I'd like to help out more. I'll make dinner once a week. What day do you want me to do it? What do you want me to make? Did you buy the ingredients when you shopped? Where do we keep the big pan? How long should I cook that chicken? What's the temperature? And, well, I cooked, so you're going to clean up right?"

That's one example of helping out.

Here's another example that takes on the mental load:

"I want to help out more. From now on every Thursday night is my night to take on dinner." Then you do the planning, the shopping, look up the recipe, figure out where the equipment is, make sure everyone will eat it, that they have alternatives in case they don't, make sure there are no allergens, set the table, clean up after yourself while you cook, if the pans need to soaking, soak them but go back later and wash them and put them away. Fill the dishwasher. Run the dishwasher... and oh... before you shop for the dinner ingredients, check to see if you have enough dishwasher soap, parchment or foil, and other staples to make whatever you're planning. That's an example of taking on the mental load.

In fact, this is exactly the same as in your business: getting someone to help you out or delegating something to someone. Do you see the difference in business? Do you see the difference at home?

If you choose to take on a little more of the mental load, you can start with a simple question:

One of my colleagues told me this story. Her husband asked her when they were on their honeymoon.

"What's one household task that could automatically be done and you'd never have to even think about it again in your life?"

Her answer was laundry.

He took over the laundry and she hasn't done laundry or thought about laundry in decades.

Now, let's pivot back to where all this leads us, the Culture of Respect in your relationship. These actions at home are more than just chores. They're expressions of respect. It's about recognizing the value of your partnership and the effort it takes to sustain it. It extends to the essence of our emotional bond, and it's a foundation for more intimacy.

So just to summarize, here are the five key principles of a culture of respect.

1: Upgrade Your Outgoing Messages

2: Be Present

3: Eliminate Contempt

4: Express Gratitude

5: Pay Attention to Mental Load.

Each of these principles is a step toward reinforcing a culture where respect is given freely and received openly. It's about building a relationship where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued.

And that starts with the respect you show each other each day.

But the cornerstone of all this is how you respect yourself. The respect you give to your partner and receive in return is a reflection of your own self-respect. Without it the structure we're trying to build together just can't stand.

Self-respect isn't a throwaway term here. It's the practical recognition of your own worth and values. And it's the energy that fuels all other forms of respect in your life.

So, if you find yourself doubting your value or questioning your role, have a look inside because that's where the true work begins.

And that's the path to receiving more respect in your relationship and rebuilding your Rock Solid Relationship.

Here are three key points. I hope you'll take away from today's show:

We started by breaking the stereotype of men as clueless and recognizing they are deeply invested in and capable of working on their relationships.

Then we acknowledged that we can't expect our partner to change just because we say so. Instead we create a Culture of Respect in your relationship just as you would a company culture in your business & we discussed the five key principles that will enable you to do that.

And finally we affirmed the vital importance of self-respect as the foundation for relationship success and happiness.

Well my friends... take these examples and integrate them into your daily interactions. Let's start crafting relationships where respect is the cornerstone, not an afterthought.

Alright.

I hope today's episode added value to your life.

If you'd like more support, brainstorming or ideas, here's three ways to get that:

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You can head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up.

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This is Ellen, and that's what I've got for you today. Until next time remember: What I want most in the world is for you to Make More Love... in Your Life and with Your Wife.