E055 - How To Embrace Being Single After Heartbreak During The Holiday Season
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Today, we are going to talk about how to embrace being a single after heartbreak during this holiday season.
Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.
Holidays can be tough as a newly single person after going through painful heartbreak.
So we are going to talk about how you can flip the script and actually enjoy your holiday season as a newly single woman. And this episode, you are going to learn how to change the narrative around being single during the holidays. Redefining what that means to you. You're going to learn how to create new holiday traditions that are sacred to you.
And you're going to learn how to really build and foster. A delicious nurturing support system. That can [00:01:00] support you during this time of year and beyond. And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode, where I will pull an Oracle card that will offer you a message that you can use this week to stay more conscious in your healing.
Okay, welcome to this episode. The holidays are here and I know firsthand what it feels like to be in your first holiday season. Post breakup. Newfound, single woman confused a shit about what happened, grieving the loss, trying to figure out who you are now, where you're going. What's up from down. When I think back to the holidays right after my breakup. They were hands down the most painful. Holidays that I have ever had. There was so many conflicting emotions.
There was so much grief. I talk about this a lot in my podcast and with my clients. We're not just grieving the end of the relationship. We're grieving the person we thought we knew. We're [00:02:00] grieving, who we thought we were in that relationship. And we're grieving the hope that we had. We're grieving that hope that we have held on to for probably several years that things were going to get better. We're grieving the amount of time we spent with that person. When we look back in hindsight, it's like, why did I spend four years of my life holding onto that hope? So there's so much wrapped into it. In my case, The holidays came at the end of summer and summer for me was like the summer from hell.
It was the escalation of post-separation abuse in my situation. I ended the relationship in spring and through spring and summer and fall, it was just. I guess I don't have words to really describe the amount of pain and anxiety and. Survival state that I was in during that time, there was psychological abuse.
There was emotional abuse. There was [00:03:00] intimidation. I had to file a restraining order. I had just moved houses because I no longer felt safe in that house that I was in. So much change. Like we talk about. Fucking grieving. It was like a whirlwind of having to do all of these things to protect my safety. And being literally removed from the relationship that was familiar, the house that was familiar. And having to start a new, so as I was settling into my new house in. August.
So I had a couple of months before the holidays, it felt like I just had zero capacity for anything. It felt like I had been burned. All the way down to the ground. I was trying to just figure out. What was to be made of these ashes? So I want to share some of the things. That were helpful for me. In, just starting to gather those ashes and decide who was going to rise from that. The type of woman that I wanted to be the type of [00:04:00] patterns I wanted to leave behind. In those moments where I felt like I was crying on the floor, I'd never going to come out of this grief and loneliness. I think some part of me knew that I was strong enough to do it because I was strong enough to leave. And if I was strong enough to do that, I can fucking do anything. And I still believe that I still remind myself that when things get hard in my business or my life I'm like if I went through that shit show, Um, pretty much invincible.
So all of that to say it is common to feel overwhelmed by the loneliness. By the memories. That's another piece of this whole grief thing where our brain likes to really take us back to the nostalgic place. To remind us of all the happy times and to remind us of the times we weren't fighting or the times that they did say the right thing. It's so normal for our brains to try to anesthetize that way. And for that to be [00:05:00] mixed with the loneliness and then to see more couples around you in their seemingly happy place.
We never know really what's going on behind closed doors. It can be a lot to start creating these narratives. In our mind that I'm going to be alone forever. I'm so sad and lonely, and I can't climb out of this hole. I don't know what to do with myself. And the helplessness can really start to set in.
We must acknowledge these feelings. As we are feeling the feelings to also give ourselves some space to shift into the energy, to create this new identity or understanding of what is happening.
So one of the first things that we really need to do, Is start to take back the narrative. I'm going to give you an example of something that a client actually shared with me from a woman on Tik TOK.
And I'm sorry, I'm not remembering the woman's name. But ~she, ~she shared a video with me about how we can reframe being single. So on [00:06:00] one hand, you could say. I spend all of my nights alone watching TV by myself. I have to do all of the cooking and all of the cleaning. I have no one to buy gifts for. I am feeling so alone and so unloved.
That's one narrative. Versus what, if you looked at your same situation as I get to come home to a house that I fully decorated exactly. As I like. I get to light my favorite candle. I get to sit before my perfectly decorated tree with all of the ornaments that I love. I get to cook my favorite meals.
Just the way that I like them.
I am not spending any extra money on gifts for men or gifts for people. I'm only buying what feels generous for my friends and family, for the people that I feel so loved. By right now. The people that are really showing up for [00:07:00] me right now.
Do you see how we can create a narrative around anything. If we tend towards the negative, it takes a little bit more intention for us to reframe to the positive. This doesn't mean that we're not feeling our feelings. We are definitely still feeling the sadness and the loneliness. And. We get to also be curious about what we're telling ourselves over and over again. Reframing to those small things.
Like I get to come home to this house that I'm no longer walking on eggshells in that feels safe. I get to see my friends without having to ask permission to. Go out on a Friday night.
We really get to reframe singledom and the holiday season. From this period of desolate loneliness to. A place of self-reflection of healing. Of empowerment of exploring who we are.
So I want to offer you a exercise. That you can do. I want you to [00:08:00] actually like do this exercise. So pauses episode. Or come back to it when you're not driving, when you're not out for a walk. Or put a bookmark in your brain to do some journaling around this later. I really want you to envision. What would your perfect holiday look like without the influence of your past partner?
If you could create any type of holiday. With traditions, with experiences with people. What would you put in there? What would be like top tier. Amazing holiday for you. ~And I want you to, to, to think about this, to write this for yourself. ~
And then once you have a really good vision, letting yourself really dream into this holiday experience. Then we're going to start small. We're going to be very intentional about making some little shifts. Taking some things from what you envisioned or from what you wrote in your journal. To really start to make the holiday more [00:09:00] fulfilling for you.
So for example, Let's say that your dream holiday. Involves smaller get togethers. The big gatherings feel overwhelming. It's too stimulating. You don't want the weird comment from aunt Susie about why you're not with so-and-so anymore. The shift for you could be giving yourself permission to not go to the gathering that doesn't feel good. And instead carving out quality time. With maybe one or two or three really close friends. To have a meal that you share together to have a potluck to go to your favorite restaurant. To go for a walk, to go for a hike, right.
To do something. maybe non-traditional. Quote, unquote setting, not sitting around eating a ham or a Turkey. But doing something that actually fulfills you. It could be creating a new tradition with your friends. So maybe it's a theme to get together. That's [00:10:00] totally unrelated to the holidays. Or maybe it's an intentional dinner party where you all bring a question ~that you want to bring to the table ~and you get to start deep, meaningful conversation.
Or maybe on Christmas Eve instead of going to the Christmas Eve party, you give yourself permission to order that shitty Chinese food. Getting your favorite sweat pants and watch your favorite. Ron comes and cry. Or laugh or cry and laugh. Or maybe on Christmas day, if you celebrate Christmas, you make a tradition of brewing your favorite cup of coffee. ~Of ~snuggling into your blanket on your cozy couch. And journaling first thing in the morning about all of the gifts ~that ~you have received this year.
And maybe for the rest of Christmas day, you stay in your pajamas and have a craft day, you create something you've always wanted to do, or you give yourself permission to play in the way that play looks like for [00:11:00] you. We get to be so creative. This is one thing where sometimes the holidays really pigeonhole us into. Traditional traditions. What's expected. And we get to do whatever the fuck we want.
We get to create whatever feels good to us. And this is one of the most beautiful things about being single, in my opinion. ~Is ~we get to challenge the way things have been And create something new.
Really embracing solo activities and embracing activities with your safe, really supportive network. But specifically in the solo activities, I want you to. Try to see this as a time to value a gift that you get to really get to know yourself. You don't have any other energies going externally to try to figure out other people or try to understand other people. It's just about you.
It's just about [00:12:00] coming home, tuning back within getting to know yourself again and getting to know which parts of yourself. Are ready to shift. So asking yourself. How is this adding to my life? How has, how has having all of this time? For myself. Adding to my life and maybe you're even taking solo trips. ~Right? ~Maybe you totally. Throw all of the, being at home during the holidays out the window. And you decided to go to Mexico. Or wherever you want to go. If that is available to you, that can also be such an empowering experience to travel alone and really claim that as something that you get to do instead of something that you have to do, because you're alone.
We get to also really shift our thinking into this being a period of celebration. We're not sidestepping grief. You're still acknowledging the grief and the sadness as it comes up. But you're still able to [00:13:00] recognize that this is a period of significant growth for you. So did you choose it to be so. So you get to symbolically shed all of these old layers and you get to really create and welcome and honor in this new self.
The winter solstice is coming up as well. And if we think about the energy of this day, this is the darkest day of the year. Right before the sun starts to build again. So how can we use this? Energy. This energy to allow us to go within. ~To give us that permission to ~do the exploration, ~to ~have the stillness. And see what is under there. See where our intuition has been.
See what parts of us. We really want to start to bring external into the sun as the days become longer.
This gets to be such a beautiful time. If we allow ourselves to shift the narrative around what it means to [00:14:00] be alone during the holidays.
Something else that's really important to recognize a name here is that ~you are not doing this. ~
~Uh, ~
~ bumblebee. ~You are not doing this alone. We want to really crystallize your support system. So that you know, who you can call on and you know, what triggers may come up and how you can ask for support around those triggers. Thinking to yourself who are those people that I want to spend time with? Not that I feel obligated to spend time with, not that leave me feeling drained after I spend time with them. And maybe this is only two or three people in your space and that's okay. We don't need a huge network of people who we have really intentional depth and vulnerability with. But who are those safe people? And getting comfortable, leaning into vulnerability with those people. And asking for what you actually need.
So if you're having a really hard day, maybe you need a phone call. If you're having a really lonely day, maybe you [00:15:00] want to get together and have a pajama party and a movie night or a sleep over. ~Maybe you need, ~maybe your closest person is a little bit farther away. So you ask them if they have space for a zoom call and you just sit there and cry and drink tea together.
It can look any sort of way that you want it to look as long as it feels fulfilling to you.
And then we also want to identify and acknowledge the triggers that come up for you specifically. So I want you to create a trigger list. This can be. Specific songs. This could be specific holiday traditions that you used to do with your X person. This could be specific places that you used to go to with this X person. But really setting down ~and, ~and trying to write down what are all the potential things, places, people. That might cause me to need a little bit more support.
And then you want to make a plan of what to do when you feel [00:16:00] that trigger. I had a beautiful client who created this, emergency mental health kit. ~That I thought was so brilliant. ~She put some candles in there. She put some bubble bath in there. Some chocolate. She had a list of all ~of ~the reasons that she had left her ex partner when she started to get into that, did I make the right decision? Headspace. And she called on that box.
She used that box when she started to feel the triggers. So that's another beautiful tangible thing to create for yourself that really shows a lot of self love and self respect.
In addition to having your safe people and having potentially this really beautiful safety box for yourself. Is also identifying what are the things that help you come back into center? So what are the things that make you feel. Good. These are usually aligned with your values. If you haven't done a values exercise, if you haven't really [00:17:00] sat down and asked yourself what's important to me in my life. I have a self guided course that walks you through this ~so easily, so beautifully. ~
~It's short. So easily and. Bumblebee ~so easily and so beautifully. I'll put the link in the show notes. It's called. Find yourself again. And podcasts, podcasts listeners get 10% off of that. Online course, it's under a hundred dollars super accessible. ~But ~identifying what your values are. Once you can identify your values ~and ~you can start to look at what are the things that I do that are aligned with my values. That make me feel good. For example. I value quality time. And I know that when I am feeling down. If I can have quality time with somebody. That just fills my cup. So a behavior for me is to reach out to a safe friend.
Another example for me is I also value health. ~And ~health can look a lot of different ways for me. Sometimes it's exercise. Sometimes it's eating well. ~Cooking good meals, meal planning. ~It's also being outside and getting sunshine and ~getting ~[00:18:00] fresh air. ~And so ~a really accessible thing that I do when I'm feeling down is ~I ~go for a walk. ~So ~knowing the specific things, writing specific things down. Because when we're triggered, we're not using all parts of our brain effectively.
It's harder ~to, ~to remember what we need and ask for what we need. So having that list handy and being like, okay, When I'm triggered, this is what I'm going to do, or this is what I'm going to try. Maybe I'm going to stick my hands in a bucket full of ice, because I need to reset my nervous system. Maybe I'm going to do. Has spin class and really get some endorphins going and then check in with myself after that and see what I need. You can also throw all of your self-soothing techniques into this. ~So ~EFT tapping is one of my favorite. If you haven't heard me talk about that before I'll Lincoln episode below, that goes into what EFT tapping is and how to use it to really create trust and self love in yourself. You can practice deep breathing. Just closing your eyes, setting a timer for [00:19:00] even two minutes. And taking intentional deep breaths for two minutes. Will shock you of what it can do for. Your nervous system. ~You ~think about the last time you did anything for two minutes, intentionally. ~It's ~slowing down. Focusing on your breath. It could be something like dance or movement putting on your favorite song and shaking, putting on Taylor swift, shake it out, right?
It's like anything that helps you self sooth. But we want these things to be more front of mind. ~We want them to be ~the more that you take an active role in your self care. The more self-respect you're going to build. Which leads to self-love. So we're starting with baby steps. How do we just care for ourself? How do we just recognize that? Oh, God, I'm having a heart day. Who are my support people? What are my support behaviors ~that I can do? ~What can I try? What can I give myself instead of feeling ~really ~helpless and out of control ~in that experience? ~
And with all of this, I want you to remember. The freedom [00:20:00] that comes from newfound singleness. ~Especially the freedom that comes when you have left a relationship. Where you couldn't be. Especially. Bumblebee, ~especially the freedom that comes when you have left a relationship where you had to stifle your true nature, where you had to walk on eggshells, where you lost all of your mental capacity and energy, because you were concerned about them ~or ~focused on them. Or trying not to rock the boat. ~This freedom. Yes. ~
~There's only an S yes. ~Yes. There's pain, but there's freedom.
There's freedom to make decisions that you want to make. To be spontaneous to see your friends, to do something with your friends on the drop of a dime.
To explore your interest. To better get to know yourself.
To creating new rituals. It's so much freedom.
So remember that as you are. In this holiday season, in addition to all of the things that you are feeling. I want you to come back to this episode when you need some inspiration, when you need ~those ~words of wisdom,
when you need that reminder of [00:21:00] who you are and who you can be. So to recap what we talked about today, we talked about. ~Really changing the narrative. Under. Really challenging the narrative bumblebee. ~Really challenging the narrative. What does it mean to be single? ~What kind of, ~what kind of dream holiday would you create?
If you could create your dream holiday? We talked about starting small. Taking those things from your big dream holiday and incorporating little things that feel manageable, little shifts that bring you more joy. And then of course having your support people, your support system and your support behaviors for yourself.
Let this holiday season specifically be about how you choose to spend time and honor yourself. And less about how you're pleasing other people.
Let this season be the start of a beautiful new chapter.
Let's pull an Oracle card so we can see what message wants to come through for you this week to offer you an anchor. ~To offer you something that you can hold on to and reflect on. ~So we got counts. ~You're not watching the video. ~It [00:22:00] is a picture of a kitty and ~it looks like a, like a Y. ~Puma, ~maybe ~behind it.
A little cat and a big cat. ~And ~let's see what pounce says.
You have a weighted, you have watched , your diligence and patients have paid off and it's time to pounce. Pounces here to let you know that now is the time for focused action to jump into, to jump onto, to jump out of no need to continue to observe you have stocked to the situation long enough. Be nimble and light footed.
Jump in, jump out, be bouncy. The universe is pushing you to get in there and claim. What is yours? Do your thing with precision enthusiasm and intention. Get after it. I hope that message resonates for you.
And if you liked this episode, The one right before explorers, how to be with that loneliness during the holidays. So please check that one out for further support and further resources from me to [00:23:00] you. As always this podcast is for you. You are not alone. And I will see you in the next episode.