This may surprise you, but there are four simple behaviors that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.

And here's what's scary.

Most couples don't even know they're doing them.

For example, you might think anger is your biggest relationship problem.

You work hard on staying calm, or you bite your tongue, or you try all the techniques.

But while you're focused on not losing your temper, these four quieter behaviors are slowly destroying your relationship.

But it's not all bad.

Once you know what these behaviors are, you can change them.

And that could just save your relationship.

Hello, and welcome to the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm Alastair Dues, and for over 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

If you'd like my help to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com for a free 30 minute phone call with me.

Or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

In today's episode I, I will share the four behaviours that predict divorce and more importantly, how to stop them.

To start at the beginning, the four behaviours I will discuss today were first identified by Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and relationship guru who spent decades studying thousands of couples.

Over time, he could watch a couple interact for just 15 minutes and predict with over 90% accuracy whether they'd be divorced within a few years.

And that wasn't a guess.

That was science.

What Gottman found wasn't what most people expect.

Whether couples stayed together or divorced wasn't about how often these couples fought.

It wasn't even about anger, necessarily, unless these couples would let their anger get out of control.

It was about four specific behaviours that quietly poison relationships over time.

Gottman called these behaviours the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Now, this is a dramatic name, I know, but it fits.

Because once these behaviors take hold, they predict the end of a relationship.

So with that said, let me walk you through each of these damaging behaviours.

The first behavior was criticism.

Now, it is important to understand that criticism isn't the same as complaining.

We all complain in relationships.

For example, saying you left dishes in the sink again is a normal complaint about a behaviour.

That's normal relationship stuff.

But criticism is different.

Criticism attacks who your partner is as a person.

As an example, saying you're so lazy you never help around here is criticism.

See the difference?

A complaint addresses what your partner did.

Criticism attacks their character.

I worked with a woman recently, for example, who couldn't understand why her husband had completely Shut down emotionally.

When we listened back to how she talked to him, almost every frustration of hers came out as criticism.

She would say, you're so forgetful, or you only care about yourself, or you never think about anyone but you.

She thought she was just expressing her feelings.

But what he heard was, you're fundamentally broken.

I don't respect who you are.

As you can see, criticism goes for the jugular, and over time it sends a clear, I have a problem with who you are, not just what you've done.

That's devastating to hear from someone who's supposed to love you.

The second horseman of the apocalypse is defensiveness.

This one's tough for many people because defensiveness feels so automatic.

For example, your partner never help with the kids homework, and instantly you're listing all the times you did help or you're firing back.

Well, you never cook dinner.

That's defensiveness.

Excuses, justifications, counter attacks, anything that says it's not my fault.

Instead of actually hearing what your partner is trying to tell you.

Now here's why.

Defensiveness is so destructive.

It escalates every single conflict.

Instead of resolving the issue, you're now fighting about who's right.

And that's a fight nobody wins.

Now think about the last time you got defensive with your partner.

What was really happening underneath?

Usually, you probably felt attacked, or maybe you felt criticised.

Which brings us back to that first pattern.

See how these behaviors feed off each other?

One partner criticizes, the other gets defensive and the cycle spirals.

A dad I work with was shocked when I pointed out how defensive he gets.

He thought he was just explaining his side, but his wife didn't need explanations.

She needed him to hear her and take some responsibility.

Once he started doing that, their arguments completely changed.

Now, the third horseman of the apocalypse is contempt.

This is a big one.

And according to Gottman's research, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

If you had to fix just one of these four patterns, this would be it.

Contempt is when you communicate from a position of superiority.

Eye rolling, mocking sarcasm with a sharp edge, talking to your partner like they're beneath you, like they're stupid or incompetent.

This is all contempt.

And contempt also shows up in tone as much as words such as, oh, you're upset about that.

Seriously.

The words might seem harmless on paper, but the contempt in how you say it cuts deep.

I see this often with couples who've been together for years.

Somewhere along the way, resentment builds.

Little annoyances pile up.

Unresolved conflicts stack on top of each other.

And eventually that resentment hardens into contempt, this sense that your partner is less than you, that they're the problem, that if they would just get their act together, everything would be fine.

So if you catch yourself feeling superior to your partner, if you're thinking, I'm smarter than them, or they just don't get it, that's contempt taking root.

And if you don't address it, it will kill your relationship.

Finally, the fourth horseman of the apocalypse is stonewalling.

Stonewalling is when you shut down completely, Such as giving your partner the silent treatment or walking out of the room mid conversation or refusing to engage at all.

Stonewalling often happens when you feel overwhelmed.

Your partner wants to talk about something difficult, for example, and you can't handle the intensity of the emotions, so you just close off.

You tune out.

You give them nothing.

For the person being stonewalled, this feels like abandonment, like you don't care enough to even try.

And that creates distance faster than almost anything else.

And unfortunately, men do this more often than women.

Not always, but more often, because men tend to get more physiologically flooded during conflict.

Their heart rate spikes, their stress hormones surge, and shutting down feels like the only way to cope.

But here's the problem.

Stonewalling doesn't solve anything.

It just leaves your partner feeling alone.

And over time, that loneliness becomes the relationship.

Okay, now here's where this all ties back to anger management.

When you're angry or resentful toward your partner, you're far more likely to fall into these four patterns.

You criticize because you're frustrated, and it comes out as an attack on who they are.

You get defensive because you feel criticized, and you're too angry to listen.

Contempt grows directly from unresolved resentment.

The angrier you get, the more superior you feel, the more contempt seeps into how you talk to them.

And stonewalling happens when you don't know how to manage the intensity of your anger and emotions, so you just shut down.

This is why controlling your anger matters so much in relationships.

It's not just about not yelling or throwing things.

It's about not letting anger pull you into these destructive patterns that quietly kill connection.

But here's the good news, and this is critical.

Each of these behaviors has an antidote, A specific way to stop the pattern and replace it with something healthy.

Instead of criticism, make specific complaints and requests.

For example, say, when I'm talking, could you please put down your phone and make eye contact?

It would really help me feel heard.

That's not an Attack.

That's a clear request.

And instead of defensiveness, take responsibility for your part in issues.

Even if you think you're only 10% wrong, own that 10%.

I can see how my actions upset you.

I'm sorry for that.

Help me understand what you need from me that de escalates everything.

Instead of contempt, practice appreciation and build a culture of respect.

Find genuine things you admire about your partner and say them out loud.

Thank you for always making me laugh.

I really appreciate how hard you work for this family.

Appreciation is the antidote to contempt.

And instead of stonewalling, learn to self soothe and stay present.

If you're overwhelmed, say it.

I need 20 minutes to calm down, but I promise I want to finish this conversation.

Can we take a break and come back to it?

That's taking responsibility for your emotions instead of just abandoning your partner.

These shifts sound simple, but in the heat of the moment, they're incredibly hard.

That's why awareness is everything.

You have to catch yourself engaging in these patterns before you can change them.

So here's what I want you to over the next week, just notice.

Notice when you slip into criticism instead of making a specific complaint.

Notice when you get defensive instead of listening, notice any moments of contempt or stonewalling.

You don't have to be perfect, you just have to be aware.

Because once you see these patterns clearly, you can start changing them.

And when you change these patterns, you change the entire trajectory of your relationship.

And if you're ready to do this work, if you want real help controlling your anger and communicating better in your relationship, visit angersecrets.com book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

My online program, the Complete Anger Management System, walks you through all of this in detail.

How to manage your emotions, how to communicate effectively, and how to break these destructive patterns for good.

And best of all, most of my clients see real change in just a few weeks.

Okay, that's all for today.

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And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.