If you want to change your inner critic to your inner cheerleader, you're going to have to define or determine which voices are your own and which voices are your mom's. And then from there, you're going to have to replace the critical voices with cheerleader voices or phrases. You are listening to the Reconnection Rescue Podcast for mothers and daughters with your host, Brittany Scott. A podcast where we process all things mother daughter relationships and the direct effect it has on the relationships we hold as adults. Welcome back to the podcast. It's your host, Brittney today's episode is about your inner critic. And if the voice is really yours or if, maybe it's your mother's and what to do about it. So in my perspective, the mother wound. Happens when there is a lack of emotional support flowing from the mother to the daughter. It's a relationship between a mother and a daughter where emotional support was absent. So basically the daughter needed. Emotional support. Nurturing. Caring for. I can keep creating a list. From her mother that she didn't receive. And that left a gap for their daughter to fill. And one of the biggest issues with this. Is that children don't know how to fill in that gap without blaming themselves. They don't know how to fill in that gap without figuring out what's wrong with them and what they need to do differently in order to get the needs that they're seeking to be met. This is one way that the inner critic. That you now have as an adult. May not really be your voice. It was the voice of the little girl you that was creating scenarios in her head. Of all the reasons why she didn't have her mother's love and emotional support that she was seeking out. Maybe your mom wasn't just emotionally unsupportive or emotionally absent. Or immature, maybe your mom was emotionally abusive to you as a child. And she was very critical of. Your performance. Your appearance, your clothing, your friends. How you talked, maybe she criticized everything that you did that maybe you. And slowly you shrunk yourself, you made yourself smaller, you hit away parts of you and then add it in her voice. Two. Explain why you were making those decisions. And explain. Why you couldn't be the person that you want it to be. And so your inner critic comes because she criticized. You out of you. So there are a few inner critic phrases that are common. But of course yours. Can be unique to you. So I'm just going to tell you a few common ones and if you relate great. If not yours, maybe a lot more specific than this. But any version of Schultz. Or need to do or have to do. Like I should be this way. I should be doing this. I should be going here. Some phrase in that form. Any version of not being enough. It's usually not your own voice. I don't know enough. I don't have enough. I'm not good enough. Any kind of comparison to someone else or to maybe someone more experienced than you. This could sound like why should they listen to me? Why would anyone listen to me anyway? I'm not as smart as them. I don't, I didn't go to school like them, something along those lines. Another one would be. Global statements are all or nothing statements. Using always and nevers to describe yourself. Like you, you're never going to reach your career goals. You're never going to get that, whatever that is. You're always going to be. Blank, fill in the blank. Another version of an inner critic that may not be yours. Would be statements that. Keep you from actually doing what you want to do. So thinking. That probably won't work out. I might as well just continue doing what I'm doing anyway, because this is what I'm supposed to do. Or there's no need to even go after that goal. Even though it's in my mind, it doesn't matter that I'll never be mine. I'm not good enough to have that. They'd probably think this idea was stupid. Anyway. I better just stay quiet. So anything that shrinks you down or keeps you small? And the last inner critic that comes to mind for me, that may not be yours. It's something that has to do with your body. That points out the size of your body, that points out the food that you eat, that points out. How you feel in your body? I shouldn't eat this because of this. I'm not supposed to look this way. I'm not supposed to wear these clothes. I'm not supposed to be this weight. Getting down on yourself for your body and your physical appearance. That's probably an inner critic that doesn't belong to you, but belongs more to your mom. If you want to change your inner critic to. Your inner cheerleader. You're going to have to define or determine which voices are your own and which voices are your moms. And then from there. You're going to have to replace the critical voices. With cheerleader, voices or phrases. Okay. So I have an exercise for you. The first thing that I want you to do. Is, I want you to write out. The phrases that come to mind. For you that are very critical. What are ways that you criticize yourself inside your own mind, whether you just think these thoughts or whether you say them out loud. Whether you act on them. Or you don't, you just hear him in your mind and then sorta move on. I want you to write down every critical phrase. That comes to mind that you've ever thought or set to yourself. Once you have this list, complete it. I want you to determine from this list. Do you believe these thoughts about yourself? Or do you believe your mom has these thoughts about you? I want you to determine if this is truly a thought you have and something that you need to work on. Or have you internalized a phrase or. A thought that. Belongs to your mother. Once you have the two lists separated out. So your mother's thoughts versus your own. We are going to. Create an affirmation for your mom's thoughts. So I have one you can create your own. The one that comes to mind for me is. My life is my own and it doesn't belong to you anymore. And so you have to get rid of her thoughts. By no longer believe in them by taking, take away her power over your life. Because your life is yours. You get to live it the way that you want. You get to make the decisions that you want. And you also get to make the mistakes that you need to make to learn from. So her being heavily critical of you. It's not yours to carry anymore. Your life is your own, and it doesn't belong to her any more. If that doesn't resonate or relate for you then great. Your own affirmation. But basically when her thoughts come up, the thoughts that, belong to her. I want you to have something to say to yourself in that time. That is going to help you to keep moving forward. So let's say you're trying to make a decision about a career and maybe you want to make a career move. And in the back of your mind is her thought of you don't deserve that. You're not good enough for that. You need to stay where you are, because you're only good enough to reach this level. Your life is your own. It doesn't belong to her anymore. You can make this decision because you're safe to make it. You're smart enough to make it. And because you deserve the decision or the next step, like wherever you're trying to get to you deserve it. Your life is your own it no longer hers. And you get to make decisions that you want to make. No. For the critical inner voice that belongs to you, that you've developed along the way. And you've given yourself. I want you to turn those critical thoughts into cheerleader thoughts. How can you flip the statements? How can you make them work for you? And help to heal the little girl inside of you, helped you to feel good about yourself. What's going to help you too. Move past these critical thoughts to cheer yourself on and times where you feel. Afraid where you feel. Not prepared. Yeah. How do you flip those phrases? This is something I would work on individually with. My clients. So if they're struggling with an inner critic that. It's either there's that they developed along the way, or we're taught how to create by their mom. Versus the inner critic, voices that belong to their mom and not to them. We would do this strategy together. And then once they had their own identified that, these are thoughts I've developed along the way, that aren't necessarily my mom's, but maybe grew out of what my mom taught me. I would help them to rephrase those. I would help them to turn those phrases around from critical to cheerleader. And that way they have something to dispel this critic. So when the. Automatic thought pops up in their mind when that critic voice comes up, especially in times where they're not, they're really trying to avoid it. Having the cheerleader phrase to make the critic phrase, not real, or to dispel it or to get out of their head. We want to replace that with the trailer to phrase. So that's something that I would do together with you. If you were a client. And help you to create. New phrases that cheer you on and move you forward. Out of the ugly critical phrases that make you freeze or slow you down. Or make you shrink yourself smaller. Self-compassion and self-acceptance can be. Really hard to obtain when you're so used to hearing. Criticism about who you are or decisions that you make. It's really hard to stand. Confident. In who you want to be or who you're trying to be. When. No one around you is supporting you. Or not only are they not supporting you, but they're actively tearing you down. Like maybe your mother. Some of these exercises are not easy to do because you. You're sitting in the middle of it. You are in these feelings, the inner critic, you're used to that. Coming up with a cheerleader phrase can be quite difficult, which is where therapy and coaching comes in, where working with me individually. Can really push you further because you not only get your own thoughts and your own perspective, but then you also get mine. One tip that can sometimes be easy to do on your own. Is when you're trying to create a more nurturing inner voice or a cheerleader inner voice. I want you to think about that little girl. I don't want you to think about you today. I think about. The little girl that was begging for her mom's attention that was seeking her mom's support and throwing out bids for connection. I want you to think about her. And I want you to change your inner voice. To what she needs to hear. Okay. You are now in a position to do what your mom didn't do. You are now in a position to talk to your inner child. In a way that your mom never did. You were now in a position to take care of you. And so if you struggle to take care of the adult, you, I want you to think about taking care of the child. You. Because she's still in there and she's still hurting. And. You've got to be the one to. To protect her and to bring her out of this pain. If you truly have an inner critic voice and. You're always down on yourself or shaming yourself. Or struggling to just believe in yourself. I don't want you to listen to this episode and just move on. I want you to pull out your journal. Right out the critical thoughts that you have of yourself. Right out the thoughts or the voices in your head. That tell you, you can't do it or tell you're not good enough. Or tell you what you should be doing when you have a desire to do something different, write them down, get them out of your head and get them on a paper. I want you to give your brain a new way of processing these thoughts that aren't just inside of your head. You deserve to give yourself. Sometime. Even five to 10 minutes to get those thoughts out of your head and onto paper. Because that's going to change the way that you process them, and that's going to help you to do the exercises that I talked about. In this episode, like I want you to separate your voice from your moms. I want you to nurture your inner child. I want you to think about that little girl. Because she needs you to she's asking for you to. So don't listen to this and just move on. Take the time to actually do the exercises. I'd like to know what you get or what. What comes up. If you relate to any of this, or you actually do the exercises, I'd love for you to email me. Let me know. What came of it? Did you learn anything new? Did it help you to move forward? Did you create an affirmation or A new cheerleader voice. I'd love to know. You've reached the end of another episode. Thank you for listening all the way through. Remember the journey of mother wound healing. And it's personal and transformative and painful. Sometimes keep exploring, keep learning about yourself and your inner child. Remember that you have the power to heal so until next time, stay curious about your story. Keep growing in your healing and I'll catch you in the next one.