[00:00:00] So what was going on is

[00:00:01] ChrIsty Rutherford: What advice do you have for women who are caught up in that same addition of being needed and saving people?

[00:00:09] Ingrid Jones: I would say to them, try for two hours. Put your phone away for two hours. Just put it away. See if anybody dies in those two hours. If the answer is no, you are not that needed. And quite frankly, I had to learn, you are replaceable.

[00:00:26] If something happens to you today, people will mourn you, but they're gonna move on right after the repass, after they ate the chicken, whatever, they are going to go on with their life. They're going to wish you were there, but they're gonna keep it moving. So I would say to anyone that is hung up on being busy.

[00:00:50] Saying yes, being the center of whatever the world is you're in, stop. Just take, take two hours off and see how it feels for you. You might be amazed at the freedom you get. And then when I say stop, I mean turn off the phone, not put the phone on silent because we can still see that blue screen popping up.

[00:01:16] Right? So turn your phone off. And see what happens, you're still breathing. If you have kids, your kids will still be breathing. If you have a husband, he will be just fine and you will have taken two hours for yourself to think about, what do I wanna do with the rest of my life? What do I wanna do tomorrow? What book do I wanna read? We're just not trying to do.

[00:01:42] ChrIsty Rutherford: Welcome to Why She's Winning with your host, Christy Rutherford, a master of office politics and self care advocacy. Christy's clients have received over 10 million in salary raises in a pandemic, surprised that women are still getting paid during these challenging times.

[00:01:59] It's possible for you too. You can have it all. If you believe you deserve it, Christy and her guest will assist you with that. Let's get started.

[00:02:09] Hello, hello, hello everyone. Welcome to Why She's Winning. I'm your host Christy Rutherford. We today have the phenomenal, the incredible, the amazing, the gorgeous rockstar, Ingrid Jones.

[00:02:30] So I wanna apologize in advance if we have any technical difficulties. The WiFi's out here on The Bahamas, in the beach, nobody really cares. Like, oh my God, the internet is out and The Bahamas on the beach. You can't help it. So if there is a pause or a delay, y'all don't leave. Or if I freeze, don't leave, I'll come right back.

[00:02:51] So, Ingrid Green Jones right now is a racial equity fellow with the CEO Action for Racial Equality Fellow. She's also a senior counselor at Pfizer in the Trade Channel management. She used to be the head of compliance, the Assistant general Council for the college board. She's worked in various organizations.

[00:03:20] She went to New York Law School. She is an award winning lawyer. I keep forgetting that you went to Benedict. She is a graduate of an HBCU, Benedict College.

[00:03:33] Ingrid Jones: Benedict College senior, yes.

[00:03:34] ChrIsty Rutherford: And one of the things that.

[00:03:37] Ingrid Jones: That's the most important thing that.

[00:03:41] ChrIsty Rutherford: Yeah, that's why I'm wearing my, you know, we represent today South Carolina State Bulldog, the St. Georgia Bulldogs, for everybody who is just wondering, Okay. .

[00:03:50] But what Ingrid is really passionate about is supporting our HBCUs and getting them funding and making sure that the students get what they need so they can succeed in life. Welcome, Ingrid.

[00:04:06] Ingrid Jones: Thank you so much, glad to be here.

[00:04:09] ChrIsty Rutherford: Okay. We have a weird delay too.

[00:04:11] Ingrid Jones: I can you hear us.

[00:04:12] ChrIsty Rutherford: Oh, okay, great. Yep, yep, yep. All right.

[00:04:18] Ingrid Jones: We good?

[00:04:19] ChrIsty Rutherford: Yep. We're. The first question. See that delay? See that delay in the internet? We gonna rock with it.

[00:04:28] Ingrid Jones: Yeah.

[00:04:30] ChrIsty Rutherford: Okay.

[00:04:34] Ingrid Jones: Will make it work.

[00:04:36] ChrIsty Rutherford: We gonna make it work. Tell the viewers what was going on with you when you thought about I need to do something different.

[00:04:53] Ingrid Jones: So what was going on is I just felt stuck, right? The world tells you, go to college, get a great job, have 2.5 kids, do all of these things, and I had checked all the boxes, right? And then checking all of the boxes. I still was, I wasn't unhappy, but I wasn't happy. If that makes sense.

[00:05:13] And so I knew there was more and I knew that the only way to get to the more was to talk to somebody. And no shade on therapy. I didn't think it was for me, I needed a coach on a professional and a personal level.

[00:05:30] ChrIsty Rutherford: Okay, so you felt stuck. And this is a thing about a lot of professional women is when people tell us what to dos, highly successful, high achieving women. We'll check all the boxes and then we'll be like this, what's next? Or when we get to a point at the top of the mountain, we'll be like this, is this it?

[00:05:50] Because I thought that it would feel differently. And that's how you feel. Go ahead. Talk about it. Talk about.

[00:06:00] Ingrid Jones: No, I was gonna say, that's exactly how I felt because you climb all the way up to the top of the mountain. There may be one or two people up there with you, but you're, you are all looking around like, what are we supposed to do now?

[00:06:13] I'm that, I'm not old enough to retire, you know, my kids are not home. What am I supposed to do?

[00:06:19] ChrIsty Rutherford: Yeah, yeah. So it is almost like at a certain point, the ladder is gone. Does that make sense? Like even a mountain has places that you can stick your hands in and it's, when we get to the top, it's like, is this it?

[00:06:39] One, I thought it would feel different. Two, I thought I would feel different and I would actually be happy because you got a million degrees. We'll be here all day reading your bio. So what was the conversation that we had that made you want to say, you know what, therapy is cool, we not knocking therapy, but I think Christy and, you know, what she does would be a good fit for me.

[00:07:07] Ingrid Jones: So, you know, I saw you on LinkedIn. I've seen a couple of these conversations that you did and the energy and what you were giving off was like, okay, maybe I should talk to her. So when I called you, you said some things to me that I was like, well, I'm not really sure how she knows that, but she's right. So I'll give it a shot.

[00:07:30] And, you know, I'm that person that need references and all of these things, so I have references, I call clients, all of those things. And everyone had great things to say and they were all women that had degrees, enough degrees on the thermostat that you can't even count, right?

[00:07:49] And so it was like, alright, I'll give it a shot. If I don't give it a shot, I'm going to regret it. So if I give it a shot and it doesn't work, I'm in the same spot. So what did I lose? Right? So cool. I'll try it.

[00:08:04] ChrIsty Rutherford: I love it. I love it. Welcome ladies who are joining us on the line. I see Monika is here and then Linda Kirkby has joined us and Anika, and if y'all have any questions as we roll, let us know what your questions are.

[00:08:18] Now. Okay, so here's the thing and, this is what I tell women all the time, which is what we don't know, high achieving women, we do the exact same things, right? Like the framework of how we show up is about 90% the same. And so, which is lonely because we're typically the only ones in our organizations who are just like us, and we're maybe the only ones in our family who are just like us.

[00:08:48] And I tell women all the time, You're not by yourself. You're in a special group of elite women who were real special, you know? And we're made to feel like the outcast in the weirdos. So that's how I can tell your story. If you give me five to 10% of your story. I'll finish the rest of it. And women are like, How did you know that?

[00:09:07] I'm like, Cuz I used to be you one and I talked to women like you all day. So when you joined the group and met these other amazing women, cuz you all have an amazing group that you were with, what was surprising to you about the commonalities that you shared with these women?

[00:09:29] Ingrid Jones: Beyond the education, we all were singing the same song, right? We all were like, okay, maybe I'm the first generation in my family to go to college. Like for me, I'm first generation comms, first generation professional degree, first generation everything. And so you are the odd man out in your family.

[00:09:48] So the conversation you're having with your sisters, let's say hypothetical, my individual sisters, was not the conversation I was having with the women in the group. Right? And so we are all in the group. We're all basically the same person in that we have the same issues. You know, some of us have kids, some of us don't.

[00:10:07] But it's the same song in different Keys and so with that, I felt all right, they get it. And so that was the comfort I felt.

[00:10:21] ChrIsty Rutherford: Yeah, and we're gonna talk about the power of saying no, but I wanna set it up, right? Because women, when we've reached the top and we don't feel successful, we can't really tell anybody because.

[00:10:37] Ingrid Jones: Right? Yep, yep. That would be true.

[00:10:41] ChrIsty Rutherford: Nobody really cares. And then two true. Go ahead.

[00:10:47] Ingrid Jones: No, I was gonna say that's really true because now you've checked all the boxes. So someone looking from the outside in was like, what are you complaining about? You have everything. Why are you complaining? That's like your opening with your having internet problems in The Bahamas. You're in The Bahamas, right? So same thing.

[00:11:14] ChrIsty Rutherford: Yeah. And here's the thing, we also beat ourselves up internally cuz we're high achievers. We're the worst self critics. So you feel us successful and you can't tell anybody. And then you start beating yourself up about, you know, you need to stop winding, Maybe you need to do this and maybe you need to do that. So, you know, I always remember like, what was the one lesson that women got that shifted them the most?

[00:11:38] And for you it was that. Saying No, like saying no for you. That became your thing. So talk to the ladies about what was happening before you started saying no, and then we'll talk about what happened when you learned the power of saying no.

[00:11:59] Ingrid Jones: So before I would say no, I was spinning all the plates. I wanted to be the super employee, super mom, super wife, super friend, and it's exhausting. It is exhausting to be the super everything. And when someone needed something, especially if it were legal advice or business advice, I was the first person called in my family and some of my friend circle.

[00:12:25] So now I'm like, Oh, I gotta get back to this person. I gotta find this person or lawyer. I gotta do this, I gotta do that. And it was exhausting and overwhelming. Those are the two words that I can honestly say I felt.

[00:12:38] ChrIsty Rutherford: So this is another commonality Ingrid about, you know, with High Achieving Women is we're the leaders in our families too. So we're not just the leaders at work, we're the leaders in our family. We're the leaders in our community. We're the leaders in the sorority. So we're doing everything for everybody.

[00:12:58] So when you started saying no, how did the people around you, cause we trained people to need us, like we trained people to call us first, we're good at taking care of, right?

[00:13:14] Like what was the reactions to the people around you when you, one started saying no and two, exited yourself from saving everybody. Cuz I remember a conversation, we talk about it later, but with your daughter where she had this thing and you were sitting there like this. Yeah. Okay. And she was expecting for you to jump in and like save her. So, what was that transition for you?

[00:13:38] Ingrid Jones: So the people around me, at first when I started saying no, I think they were taken aback because I didn't say no. I'd be like, we see how I can figure that out for you. Let's think that through. Even if I wasn't saying I would do it, I was walking them through getting it done right.

[00:13:58] And so honestly, it is a addiction to do that. So I had to weigh myself off it, which was a bit hard. I'm not gonna sit here and say it was easy. And then after a while, I stopped getting as many phone calls, but also I realized people can figure this stuff out for themselves and they can do it quicker. And so they're gonna keep asking you cuz you make it easy for them.

[00:14:25] Why should I have to think it through? Why should I have to do the work? I know Ingrid's gonna get this done, so let me just call her on the phone. I dump all my stuff on her. I'm good cuz she's gonna figure that out. And I was doing.

[00:14:40] ChrIsty Rutherford: You know, I was gonna tell this story about how my cousin called my aunt and asked her to pay his car payment. So she up all night trying to figure out how to pay his car payment, he sleeps, you know what I'm saying? So you're in a similar scenario where people will come to you because you're the figureoutable person and, and they sleep.

[00:15:08] And when they call you in the morning, they expect, and they know. And not that they expect know that you figured out, so they're calling you for an answer. So, you know, tell us a little bit more about that, and then how did that in the beginning affect you and then as you started to realize this stuff, you stopped doing that.

[00:15:30] Ingrid Jones: So like I said, it was hard. Bottom line hard because if you've been for, let's say 30 years, the figure out person, you trained your mind to be the figure out person, right? So that in and of itself was hard. I think I told you in one of our conversations that I could not sleep. I could not sleep after one of our conversations, couldn't sleep.

[00:15:54] And I usually sleep pretty good, but could not sleep. Cause I was like, wait a minute, she's right. I'm doing all this crap for all these people and no applause, no nothing. They just know it's gonna get done. And they keep it moving and the conversation is not can you do it, but here you go, this needs to be done.

[00:16:16] Right. And that was in almost every area of my life. And so once I started dialing it back, it was a level of freedom I hadn't experienced. Right. So I'm like, I don't even know what to do with this time. Cause I never had time to just read a book, listen to a podcast, just chill. And my daughters also say the same thing.

[00:16:38] You don't know how to sit still would be always what they said to me. You don't know how to do nothing. And I would always go, no, no, no. I could do nothing. But they were right. I didn't know how to do nothing because I was always doing something for 30 years. I was always doing something, so I had to train myself in self care. I had to train myself in sitting still. I had to train myself listening to books or podcasts, all of the things that you gave us to listen to, it was a struggle at first to just sit still.

[00:17:16] ChrIsty Rutherford: I love it cause we're addicted to insanity, which is pretty much what it is. And we don't know cause that's normal. You don't know that you're addicted. You know, you've created these scenarios where everyone around you is sucking the oxygen out of you and you're walk and you're running around depleted.

[00:17:38] I look completely ladies unconscious. You have no idea that this is happening. And what I love about everybody's process is everybody's process is like, you have to figure it out. Cause I can tell you now, I think, you know, kick head and give you an adjustment. But this is something that when you see it, then you stop, but you can't change what you can't see, and we're all.

[00:18:05] This is why I love this series because high achieving women, we do the exact same things. And if we can just get you to be ye transformed from the renewing of your mind and the mind is of awareness, and once you become aware, then you change. So, what was the level of, I would say self care, that became like your new thing because we think self care is getting our nails done.

[00:18:33] Getting a massage with self care could actually be just you sitting there doing absolutely nothing. What's what's your definition of self care then, and then now?

[00:18:46] Ingrid Jones: So, like I said, self care. I'll say this. First of all, black women as a whole are not taught self-care, right? And I have three daughters. And so with them, even raising them, I consistently say to them, Now, I wish I would have taught you more about self care because I didn't even know the word till I was passed 20, because you're taught to hustle in black America. You're taught to hustle, period. Get it done. So now just sitting still and watching tv, it doesn't even matter what's on tv quite frankly. I've always gotten my nails done, but just not being at the nail salon with clones, trying to do my job and get my nails done.

[00:19:35] So it was never really self care. I was getting my nails done, but I was still working. And I can remember my manager saying, why do you have two cell phones and why are you always working? I was like, I have to work. I have to pay for everything I gotta do. And it made no sense then, and I can still see the look on her face, but it made perfect sense to me at the time.

[00:20:03] Now I'm like, you were two shades of crazy doing that. So now I just, I put my phones in my purse if you are not on my schedule. Sorry, I don't mind moving people out of my schedule to be like, Yeah, I'm gonna have to talk to you later because you're not dying or bleeding. So I can push you back and I can go take care of myself.

[00:20:28] ChrIsty Rutherford: So I was just trying to look up the questions that I sent you and I couldn't find them cuz I came off the script Ingrid, I'm sorry, I just, I said that we're loose. My team asked me yesterday like, well, you don't have the questions to Ingrid, I was like, I will just use he loose questions to get the framework.

[00:20:59] Let's talk about, the fear of missing out. And when I think about, cause you say you had two cell phones and we always think that we're missing something or somebody's always on fire because we've trained them that we're going to come put them out. Right. So in the movement theaters.

[00:21:16] Which I'm that person, Right. The military. I'd be like, Excuse me, turn your phone off you're blinding me. I'm trying to watch this movie. As soon as the movie is over Ingrid, everybody whips out their cell phones and they look at what they're missing. So now, you're not walking around like, Who needs me? Who needs me? Who needs me?

[00:21:36] I'm addicted to doing, doing, doing. Now your phone is in your purse. You like this, did anybody die? I'm good. So, talk to how you came out of that and what advice do you have for women who are in that same addiction?

[00:21:53] Ingrid Jones: I missed the last part of what you said, how I came out of?

[00:21:57] ChrIsty Rutherford: What advice do you have for women who are caught up in that same addiction of being needed and saving people?

[00:22:04] Ingrid Jones: I would say to them, try for two hours. Put your phone away for two hours. Just put it away. See if anybody dies in those two hours. If the answer is no, you are not that needed, and quite frankly, I had to learn, you are replaceable. If something happens to you today, people will mourn you, but they're gonna move on after the repass, after they ate the chicken, whatever.

[00:22:31] They are going to go on with their life. They're going to wish you were there, but they're gonna keep it moving. So I would say to anyone that is hung up on being busy saying yes, being the center of whatever the world is you're in, stop. Just take two hours off and see how it feels for you. You might be amazed at the freedom you get.

[00:22:59] And then when I say stop, I mean turn off the phone, not put the phone on silent, because we can still see that blue screen popping up, right? So turn your phone off and see what happens. You're still breathing. If you have kids, your kids will still be breathing. If you have a husband, he will be just fine and you will have taken two hours for yourself to think about what do I wanna do with the rest of my life? What do I wanna do tomorrow? What book do I wanna read? We're just not trained to do that.

[00:23:37] ChrIsty Rutherford: You know, I think about cell phones, right? Where my phone don't buzz being vibrate. It does nothing. It doesn't make any noise. And I figure if I check it in an hour, ain't nothing I can do with somebody's dead. I can just check it and be like this. All right, well, what we gonna do? But we grew up in the era cuz you real cute, but I know you're 40 something.

[00:24:01] Right. Okay. But we grew in the era Ingrid, where there was no caller id, no cell phone. No. You know what I'm saying? So we grew up in the era.

[00:24:20] Ingrid Jones: I said there were payphone on the corner. It wasn't somebody readily available to you. It wasn't like that, at least when I was in college.

[00:24:28] ChrIsty Rutherford: Exactly. So think about it, if a dude say, I'm call you eight o'clock tomorrow, we'll be in front of the phone eight o'clock waiting picking it up to make sure he's there.

[00:24:40] Ingrid Jones: Right, right, right, right. You're right.

[00:24:42] ChrIsty Rutherford: And then, at 8: 05 you'll be like this and you're sad by nine actually, cuz we wait a long time. I used to be a little, not thirsty, but we're young, right? This is back in the day. But at 10 o'clock you're disappointed cause it's not gonna happen.

[00:24:56] And if somebody called you, I just wanna, you know, I wanna rock it, right? And if somebody called you, you didn't know they called. So there was no immediate expectation of your response. And then we got caller ID, now you can see who called, but there's still no immediate expectation of you responding because they don't know answer machine.

[00:25:19] I dunno. Cause you know, some people check their answer machine every three days. I don't have an immediate expectation of when they're gonna call you back. Now with cell phones people text people and you be like, If I don't respond right now, they're going to think either I'm dead or something's happened to me, or they don't love me in five minutes.

[00:25:42] So we're addicted to like always responding to people immediately, which is taking away our peace because you're now addicted to responding to people where people are getting killed, driving down the road trying to text somebody. That text can wait. So what's the difference in you know, now that you've made room?

[00:26:03] Because you said, I had to go there right back in the day, but now you've made room to do other things. What are some of the things that you're doing now that you didn't do before when you were addicted to being needed?

[00:26:18] Ingrid Jones: I missed the last part.

[00:26:20] ChrIsty Rutherford: What are some things that you're doing now that you didn't do? Because now you have room. Now you have time.

[00:26:32] Ingrid Jones: Yes. Podcast. Podcast. I also got audibles, you know, because I'll just sit and listen to a book and I find that I actually like someone reading to me like I was in kindergarten. I love it. Love everything about it. So those are the two main things. Yes. I read books and all of that, and I get my nails done and my hair braided.

[00:26:55] All of those things. But I had never listened to a podcast before. And so those of you that are like, What the hell? It's the truth. I never listened to a podcast before. Working with Christy. I just didn't have the time. I didn't bother to download anything. Audibles, who has time for that? I'm too busy

[00:27:19] Now mind you, they're reading to you, which makes no sense, but I'm busy. I'm important, so I cannot spend my time with some frivolous book. Now. I love everything about it. I got a whole library where I'll just sit and listen to books and I have religious books. I have thrillers, I just have a whole bunch of books that I probably would not have made time to listen to, but for working with Christy and finding the time to go, okay, you are really not, not that you're not important, but you're not that important, that your life doesn't matter, that you guys spend all the place for everybody else.

[00:28:02] ChrIsty Rutherford: So, what's been the biggest change in your family since as you've grown through this process, how has that changed, the dynamics.

[00:28:13] Ingrid Jones: So I have three daughters, all of them. I'm an empty nester now. When I was working with Christy, my last daughter was still home. Right. So that has changed tremendously. And I'm not gonna say I was fearful on being an empty nester, but I have had children since before I was married, right? So my entire marriage was, I have a 26 year old, a 22 year old, and an 18 year old.

[00:28:39] So I've always had kids. So the thought of crap, I don't have anybody to do stuff for anymore, was a bit unsettling. Now I'm like, that's great. I don't have to do that and cook more. Which little sense, but you know, when you have kids and you're spending all the plates you might order in or cook, whatever, right?

[00:29:05] But I spend time planning the meal, thinking about what am I going to cook instead of just putting food on the table. I think my husband and I get along, so I don't think we argue over just things that don't matter. And now the one thing I have never done that, I just recently did is one morning, went online and I found tickets to Puerto Rico that were cheap.

[00:29:32] Usually. I planned the trip. I asked him, I was like, You wanna go to Puerto Rico? He was like, Yeah, we started on Monday. I asked him that question. We were in Puerto Rico by the weekend. Right? That's something we have never done because gotta do this, we gotta plan this. We gotta think about that. Nope. We just went out.

[00:29:52] And that's a blessing to be able to do that. And I'm not gonna say it was easy cuz I was on the fence about buying the tickets and I talked to someone and they were like, well, what's the big deal? What's the big deal? And we went to Puerto Rico for a couple of days.

[00:30:13] ChrIsty Rutherford: I saw them pictures. Your beach made me jealous. So thinking about, you said not arguing about the things that matter, right? Is because if you're so full of other people's problems and you're walking around unconsciously in pain, does that make sense? Cuz you're filled with other people's stuff. Did you hear me? It shows up in all your relationships, right?

[00:30:44] So now I wrote less anal. And anal is not a derogatory term. But you were saying, I'm not that important. But you are to yourself, but in everybody else's, like, I gotta back up some, like, it's not that serious. And now you can actually enjoy the fruits of your labor.

[00:31:04] Why is it crazy to go to Puerto Rico, but it is to a woman who is addicted and say, If I leave, everybody's world is gonna fall apart.

[00:31:17] Ingrid Jones: Right. That's exactly right. That is exactly right. Which is why I have never, In all the years that we have been married, and I've been married probably 26 or 27 years, we have never just picked up and left because everybody going on with everybody else.

[00:31:35] And so, that puts pressure on any relationship because you're so busy trying to make sure everything's perfect for everybody else. Like at one point I can remember my hair was falling out because I was so busy trying to make sure everybody and everything was perfect. Perfect is unattainable. Do your best and keep it moving. Once I started going, okay, perfect. Is it's okay. It's just okay.

[00:32:10] ChrIsty Rutherford: All right. Two more questions. What's the one or two habits that you implemented that made the biggest difference in where you are today? Like people, because I tell people all the time, there is no hack. Right. There ain't no quick thing, but we have all the tools. And you talked about how hard it was, like almost impossible to say no, that's free.

[00:32:43] Now the accountability on how to actually do it and execute. But go ahead. Go ahead. I'm listening.

[00:32:51] Ingrid Jones: So a couple of things. One, before I put my feet on the floor, like a Bible on my lap right. I don't read any email. I don't answer any texts. At least one scripture since when my feet hit the floor, I've already read a scripture and at least said, God, thank you. I made it another day. That's one. Two, the conversations I used to have in my head that I was doing unconsciously, I don't have them anymore.

[00:33:25] Or if I find myself having them, I pause. Because some of the stuff you say in your own head, you wouldn't say to anybody, You know, you're so stupid. You should have got this stuff. You would not have that conversation in public with anybody, but you will abuse yourself and have the conversation with yourself. So I no longer have those conversations and when I find them creeping in, I'd be like, mm-hmm. Girl. Mm-hmm. Not today.

[00:33:52] So those are the main two things I try, I make an effort to listen to a podcast listen to something inspirational. And it doesn't have to be Joel Osteen. It could be Miles Monroe. And you know this one of Miles Monroe's presentations really changed stuff for me as far as social media, because he talked about the media and the media and that once I started seeing social media and television and radio as a medium into who I am, I was like, Oh no, that's not gonna work for me.

[00:34:28] And so I was able to put guardrails on that. So I'm just way more conscious. I think if I boiled it down to everything, I'm way conscious of my yeses and my nos and what I commit to as far as, you know, a meeting or a Camelion in my sorority. I'm just way more conscious than I was before. Before I was just like, okay, sure. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[00:34:59] ChrIsty Rutherford: So, I'm taking notes. I be taking notes when y'all talk sketch, all right. So the main thing, like everybody wants a hack. Ain't no hack, but we'll give you one. Ingrid said before I get out bed I don't check email. So what women do this, I used to do it. We used to do it, does that make sense?

[00:35:26] You check your email, you instantly start cussing. Because somebody sent you some in the middle of the night and instantly, right when you open your eyes, start thinking about the drudgery of the things that you gotta do or what you didn't do yesterday and you set the tomb for your day in panic, anger, frustration, instantly.

[00:35:50] That's what we used to do. Wondering why our lives suck. You like, why am I always exhausted and frustrated? It's because you didn't set your day for you. You let your job or whoever made you angry or whoever gave you an impossible deadline set your day. Now you go and ruin it for everybody else cuz you angry.

[00:36:09] You know, we like fire starters around here. So you say, I read a scripture and I say, God, thank you. When most people are saying, Thank God, it's Friday, you're saying thank you for another day. Now let's talk about this right quick. Got about eight more minutes. Gratitude, people are praying for houses and cars, you not just for waking up.

[00:36:34] So what are your thoughts around that and how this internet, Instagram, instant Millionaire Society has driven people to think that we can't be happy unless we have all of these things. What are your thoughts around that?

[00:36:50] Ingrid Jones: So, two things. I'll talk about the internet and talk about gratitude, and I tell this to everyone I can possibly tell this to, but specifically young girls, those are your highlight reels, right? So if I'm on the internet saying, Oh, I just got a brand new job. It doesn't tell you how many interviews I went on, it doesn't tell me how many times I was rejected.

[00:37:13] It only gives you the highlight of the fact that I got whatever it is I was seeking. And so if you are framing your life around Jane on your left, Who all of a sudden she got a brand new job. It may appear she got a brand new job, but it took her six months to get that job right. It took her six months to get that promotion.

[00:37:34] But it's just a highlight rule. And so when you're conscious of the fact that people are only showing you their best side, It makes no sense, right? It makes absolutely no sense that I'm going to now pattern my life or for someone showing me 10 seconds of their highlight reel, it makes no sense. With gratitude, if I'm grateful, I can't be complaining, right?

[00:37:59] So that's my thing is whenever I remotely come find myself complaining about something, I'm like, okay, what is it in me that's making me complain about whatever and where can I be grateful for whoever got whatever. So for example at my job, certain things were coming out and I didn't know whether I got it or didn't get it right.

[00:38:25] And someone asked me and I said to them, you know what, I will be overjoyed if I get it, but if I don't get it, I will celebrate whoever got. Once you get to that point, it's like nothing rattles you who got what, you could care less because, and I'm a firm believer that God is no respecter of person.

[00:38:45] And so if that is the case and you believe it might be James turn today, but that means that is in your neighborhood, that's what it means. It's in your name, it's coming in you, it's in your neighborhood. So celebrate the fact that good things are in your neighborhood.

[00:39:08] ChrIsty Rutherford: Ooh, that's a gem. You made me drop my whole question I was gonna ask right quick, so like, let's dig on that one one more time.

[00:39:16] We hit, we struck gold right now. So you talked about the negative voice, right. And then. You said, celebrating other people. Because we're always thinking, what about me? What about me? And so when you're walking around depleted, you're looking for all these external things to fill you. You're full when you get up, cause you woke up.

[00:39:41] Like, I'm grateful for waking up. One, two, I got all my teeth. It's a great day. I'm saying I don't need this award to validate my worth because I know that I am worthy. That's good. Right. So, talk to, I want you to dig on that just one more time.

[00:40:08] Ingrid Jones: I heard, dig a little deeper and I didn't hear the end.

[00:40:10] ChrIsty Rutherford: Just one more time. Like, expend on that.

[00:40:15] Ingrid Jones: So on the gratitude part and, then celebrating others, I think this is something women, specifically black women, need to learn, right? When one person in your circle rises, everybody rises, right?

[00:40:32] So for me, I have some really, really good friends that if you need something, because I have it. You got it too. I don't think women should be petty. If you can bless someone with a job. My girlfriend tells me I'm a waymaker, or the other word she uses is plus one. Because if I'm somewhere and there's someone looking for somebody to do whatever job, I'm gonna find somebody in the circle that can do this job.

[00:41:03] I don't care if you give me a dollar from it. The fact that you are winning means I'm winning, right? And so I think that when we get into the space of whatever circle you are in, supporting that circle and not going, well, why didn't I get it? It wasn't your term. And if it were given to you when it is not your term, you are going to destroy it.

[00:41:29] So there are some times where we think we're ready. We are not ready. We are absolutely not ready. And you know this already, when I took the bar the first time, I did not pass the bar in New York the first time, and I'm grateful I did not pass the bar because I would've been so arrogant. because I would've thought, how great am I?

[00:41:54] I passed the bar and anybody that knows New York bar's, 27 subjects, right? So it's a hard bar. You know, I have kids and I passed the bar the first time. It would've been bragging rights, and there would have been no room for me to say, God, I thank you because it would've been me, me, me, me, me. So I am eternally grateful that I had to go back.

[00:42:18] Get it right and get ready, so that when I did pass the bar, I was ready for everything that came with it.

[00:42:28] ChrIsty Rutherford: Ooh, that's good. All right, last question. So if women were considering working with us, what advice do you have for them?

[00:42:41] Ingrid Jones: I would like to say, I would say do it, but you need to be ready. Right. Cause Christy's gonna crack you in your head. You gonna get your feelings hurt. You gonna be mad and you gonna cry. Now, Christy, you know I'm gonna tell the truth. You gonna cry.

[00:42:57] ChrIsty Rutherford: I wasn't the commercial I was looking for.

[00:43:02] Ingrid Jones: Right, but the process is what you're looking for, right? And on the other side of the process, you will change your entire life and you will change. If you have children, you will change their life. You will change your whole circle of life because of the way you now think. Christy's program changes your mindset.

[00:43:23] It's not a magic bullet. You're not all of a sudden gonna get all of this money. If your mindset changes and so then you know what to ask for. And I will say this, I am not afraid to ask for what I'm worth. Before I might not have done that. Right. I was saying about the event at my job originally, my name wasn't in the hat.

[00:43:44] I raised my hand. I was like, I deserve to be nominated. I deserved it. And because I raised my hand for the fellowship, for everything else, it came. But before I wasn't ready or confident enough to raise my hand and know what I was worth. We are trained to go, Okay, you've gotten to the six figure mark, you've made it, well, not so much.

[00:44:09] When you know that someone that may or may not look like you, male, female, white, black, purple, green is doing the same job as you, but making 10 times more than you, and it's not their fault. It's cuz you did not ask. Right. And so Christy has taught me to ask for what I want and not blink.

[00:44:33] ChrIsty Rutherford: Not at all. So, here's the thing, right? And the women have talked about it. Kathy talked about how I saw her, you know, the other interviews that we've had, and James Allen said something in 1899. He said, Men thinks that thoughts can be kept secret, but they cannot. He says, Your thoughts crystallized into your habits and your habits crystallize into your circumstances, right? Like your habits is what produces your external circumstances.

[00:45:07] So, what's the hardest thing about what we do is one, showing you who you really are not who you pretending to be. Cause we have been trained, especially as women of color in the workplace, black women especially, we have been trained to like, make everybody okay with our suffering.

[00:45:28] And we ain't telling nobody that we are suffering that. And then we've been doing it for so long.

[00:45:35] Ingrid Jones: Except for yourself.

[00:45:37] ChrIsty Rutherford: Yes. And your 30 years of thoughts crystallized in the habits of being addicted to being needed and, the hardest thing is having you like, take your hands off the cell phone.

[00:45:50] We gotta peel the fingers back and be like, No, don't do that. That's the hardest thing. And that takes work. But here's the thing Ingrid, I love your feedback, even like that ain't commercial. But it is because you have to be ready for change, but you don't go back. That's the difference. You don't slide back because once you're free, do you think you can ever go back to having to cell phones and being addicted and checking your phone before you get out to be.

[00:46:19] Ingrid Jones: So never checking my phone before I get outta bed. I do have two cell phones and that's personal and business. But I don't like, I'm getting ready to go on vacation. That phone's not going. I used to take two laptops wherever I went, just in case one fail. Right. Makes no sense. Just you are on vacation and you're still worried about what happened.

[00:46:43] And making notes. And so yes, I believe that I won't go back and I believe anybody that does the program won't go back. But I think that you have to be consistent. So again, it's not a magic pill that once you finish your life will be perfect. You gotta continue in whatever it is you learn. When Christy's not there, when there's no meetings, when there's no group applauding your success, you have to know that, okay, this is what I learned and I'm lacking here, so I need to show up the foundation over here.

[00:47:14] And I do find that sometimes I have to go back and listen to some of the stuff you gave us because I've gotten comfortable, right? And we don't grow in comfort. And so if we're comfortable, something's wrong. If you are comfortable, something's wrong, you're not growing. And Christy's program and the beginning is not comfortable, but you will grow.

[00:47:39] If truth is what you want. Christy's your girl.

[00:47:52] ChrIsty Rutherford: Yeah, yeah. I'm just showing your truth. I be like, you been lying too long. I see you. I see you.

[00:47:57] Ingrid Jones: But people don't. Christy, come on now, people don't wanna know the truth. If you are comfortable, people don't wanna know the truth. If you are ready to get on the other side, and, I told you this Christy, on my computer I have, I choose to be happy, right?

[00:48:13] It is a choice. It's not a feeling. It is a choice to wake up every morning and go, I'm grateful, I am healthy. Everybody in my life is fine. I'm happy. And I have made the choice to be happy. But before, I didn't even know it was a choice to do that.

[00:48:30] ChrIsty Rutherford: Yeah. Ooh, that's good. Yeah. All right. Well, we've extended our time four minutes. Ingrid, thank you so much for showing up and sharing your insight. Maria Wynn, the quote was from James Allen, where he said, Men thinks that thought can be kept secret, but it cannot. It crystallizes in the habits and habits crystallize it to your circumstances. Is so you think that your ability or your desire to need to be needed is a secret, is not because you continue to create this cycle that you're stuck in and then you become trapped in it, which is how you can be highly successful at check all the boxes and be like, but I'm suffocating.

[00:49:12] And my goal is to show y'all you created it. Get off the mountain, go to the beach. All right y'all. We'll see y'all next Friday at noon, Ingrid.

[00:49:24] Ingrid Jones: Thank you.

[00:49:25] ChrIsty Rutherford: Bye y'all.

[00:49:25] Thank you for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and leave us a review. If you love this episode, follow Christy on Instagram and LinkedIn, and don't forget to get her free gift by texting "changenow" all one word. Again, "changenow" to 66866. Until next time, go out and win bigger.