E123 - Successful, Self Aware... But Still Addicted To Him? Here's Why.

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Speaker 13: [00:00:00] If you are successful self-aware, yet still feel addicted to him. This episode is going to explain why

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Speaker 14: .

Welcome back to the episode. If you are here, you are most likely a very successful woman. You are self-aware. You read the self-help books, you listen to the podcast, you go to therapy.

You are even the person that your friends come to for advice.

And yet you're in this really strange middle place right now where you have just left a relationship that you know was not good. You know the man was not good for you. And there's still some like addictive component to this relationship that you can't seem to let [00:01:00] go of.

You still are checking your phone. You still are replaying the good memories. There's a good amount of your thought process that's still consumed with wonder of is he actually changing? Has he changed? He's presenting himself as the person that I've waited for for five or 10 or 15 years, and you're wondering if he means it.

So on one hand you, you know, better quote unquote, and on the other hand, you can't seem to stop thinking about him. You can't seem to just move on. And the worst part of that is feeling like you're smarter than this. Have you had that thought of like, why am I like this? Why am I stuck on him? I'm smarter than this.

I know better.

So if that's you, this episode is going to help change the way that you see yourself forever because I can promise you that you are not weak, you are not secretly broken. You are most likely in a trauma bonded relationship. From this episode, it's really my intention to help you [00:02:00] find some relief. First, from that shame spiral, by helping you understand why being smart doesn't protect you from trauma bonding. I want to give you a clear explanation of this addictive cycle and why it feels like withdrawal when you detach.

And I'm going to give you some insight into why. Specifically high achieving, growth-oriented, self-aware, successful women often get hooked harder and why it's not a character flaw. And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode where I will pull an Oracle card and that will offer you a message

that you can noodle on this week to stay more conscious in your healing.

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Speaker 15: What we're gonna talk through today, I know is true because I lived it and I know that one of the most painful parts of being in a narcissistic or an emotionally abusive dynamic is not just the abuse, but it's the actual identity [00:03:00] crisis. It is the effect that the abuse, that the manipulation, that, the manipulation, that the gaslighting has on your sense of self.

Because you have likely built your life on being capable, you maybe run a business, you maybe lead a team, you maybe hold a degree or several degrees. You maybe raise children. You most likely are the person that people turn to for your expertise, for your intelligence, for your wisdom.

You have become really skilled at spinning 75 plates in the air all at one time, trying to maintain a smile on your face. So you have really proven your capacity in life. That you can succeed and achieve and really create a life that you have wanted for yourself.

And, and so when it comes to this relationship where, you know it's not good, you've walked away, but you can't seem to let him go, [00:04:00] you can't seem to let go of that one person. That should make total sense to let go of, there's a big disconnect in what you're doing and what you think you should be doing.

And that is incongruence in our body. That makes us feel really uncomfortable. That makes us question who we are. That makes us question our intelligence, and it creates a deep well of shame. In my experience with myself and with my clients, the shame that is the thing that keeps us stuck longer than loving him ever did.

Because what happens is we start to battle this shame. We start to try to like beat it down or put it away or compartmentalize what we're actually feeling while we're battling the relationship. This relationship has put you in a survival space, whether that's energetically, spiritually, financially, emotionally, literally.

So you are fighting an internal battle, and you're fighting an external battle

But what we're not talking about [00:05:00] enough, in my opinion, about these relationships, especially when it comes to high functioning women and when they find themselves stuck in this, this incongruence, this battle between themself, is that their intelligence does not override the nervous system conditioning.

You, if you're in this, this space right now, you're not fighting a logic problem. You know in your head that this is not a relationship that's good for you. You're fighting against how your nervous system has found safety in a person who is unsafe.

Let me actually go into that a little bit deeper so you understand what, what that actually means on a physiological level. When we're in a trauma bonded relationship, we are getting rewards through intermittent reinforcement.

That's a fancy term for we never know when the good thing is coming. So if you think about gambling, you, you keep playing the slot machine with the hope that you're gonna hit the big prize. You never know when it's coming and you get these little wins [00:06:00] along the way that keep you kind of motivated towards finding that bigger thing.

But it's the un, it's the unknown timing of it that keeps us addicted in and of itself, of, I'm gonna keep trying. I'm gonna keep trying.

So when you think about this in the context of your relationship, you never knew when the the closeness or the reuniting or the validation or the attention was gonna come back. You've gone through these cycles of it feeling really hard and really painful, maybe with little moments of relief,

and then there was that big split, whether it was literally where you like moved out or something, or it was an emotional split where he was, he was taking off for a few days or not responding to your text messages. You start to go into that panic and then you feel him come back and you feel that flood of relief.

That is intermittent reinforcement. You didn't know when that relief was coming back, so you kept searching for it when this happens over and over again, your brain gets used to this pattern of feeling the flood of stress hormones during the conflict, and [00:07:00] then when he pulls you close again, when there's that reuniting, you feel a flood of the dopamine and the oxytocin and the relief.

Your body starts to associate the feeling of relief with love. This person takes away my pain. Therefore, he gives me relief. Therefore, I love him. I need him. I want him close to me, even though he's causing the pain. Think about it like your nervous system is all, all like in a tizzy.

It's all jacked up. It sees him. It knows that when he's close, it can relax. And so your nervous system is finding regulation through a person who dysregulated you.

The more that you understand this concept of how your nervous system has just been conditioned in this way, the more that you can stop asking yourself, why am I so pathetic? And start asking yourself a more helpful question of how do I start to learn how to regulate myself without him? How do I start to decondition [00:08:00] my association with him as relief of, of relief, as love?

That is where the power really begins.

So that's the neurochemical piece of what's actually happening with your nervous system and your brain. But what I've also been trying to distill is why do high achieving women specifically.

Why do we have such a hard time, myself included in my past relationships? Why do we specifically have such a hard time letting go on top of the addicted neurochemical piece, there's actually other components of these types of relationships that fit like a puzzle piece with women who are high achieving and successful. Because if you are self-aware, if you are empathetic, if you are growth minded, you inherently are wired to see potential to extend grace.

To work through hardship, to believe in transformation, and to want to [00:09:00] help somebody like achieve that transformation.

So when he says something like, I'll change, or I'm working on it, this is hard. This is gonna take time. I'm working on it. Can you please just have some patience with me? You don't just hear the words, you actually see the future.

You become attached to helping him reach this potential. You fall in love with this potential and likely you move right into potential land. If you have listened to my podcast, you've heard me reference potential land before, it is my term for this place, this, this fantastical place that we go to in our mind where one day the chaos is gonna settle, where one day all the effort is gonna finally pay off, where he's actually gonna do the thing that he says he is gonna do,

Where you're actually gonna be happy and healthy and thriving in this relationship instead of feeling like you're clawing up a mountain in survival

Because you are wired [00:10:00] to see potential to help people achieve potential, you yourself are really growth-minded in achieving your potential. That place is a really tricky place to be because that potential is really addictive.

If you're in potential land, there's still the hope which mitigates the pain of being in your reality. So if you think about hope as the drink, in this case, if we think about somebody who's addicted to alcohol. The drink for the person who's addicted to alcohol takes away the pain of being in the reality of whatever they're experiencing.

For you, being in the hope place, being in potential land, takes away the pain of being in the reality where you actually are, where he's showing you time and time again that he doesn't want to change. His behavior speaks very clearly that he's, he's not taking the steps

with the intrinsic motivation to be able to make real change in his life and therefore in their relationship. And I don't know about you, but for me, in thinking about. [00:11:00] Myself as a, as wired this way for, for growth orientation, for success, for achievement. It just clicked so clearly of why I used to do that with men. That was just a skill that translated directly into my love relationships.

You're trying to help you. It really is coming from a good place. It really is coming from a good place of, I want to help this person achieve this, and then therefore also benefit because the relationship would get better. But the problem is when we're trying to help somebody who doesn't wanna be helped,

then it becomes really dysfunctional,

so you're wired to help people reach their potential. You're wired to move through hardship to find solutions to keep going. You're also feeling this neurochemical bond or your body is seeking relief from him.

So our healing really has to come from a place of untangling the potential of grieving, the hope, and of recalibrating the nervous system.

Because the familiar will always draw us back. The familiar chaos feels [00:12:00] safer than an unfamiliar, safe place. So until your body feels safe, your mind is going to keep bargaining. That's why Willpower Alone doesn't work. That's why Logic alone doesn't stick.

That's why you can still make a pros and cons list, and yet still text him in the middle of the night when that part of you starts panicking and, is like, we need to bring him close to get rid of this pain.

I know part of you is really drawn to learning more information about narcissistic people or trauma bonded relationships or, somehow gather more information about what you're going through so that you can help change it. And information is powerful and helpful. And of course that is part of the process.

But what you also need is to be able to start shifting the nervous system so that you can find regulation outside of him and so that you can feel all the feelings that are going to arise when you let go of that hope so that you can feel the sadness and the grief and that not be the thing that drives you back to try to [00:13:00] get rid of the pain.

And we can start to do this in the body with very simple micro shifts.

I really wanted to create something for you guys that felt tangible. Like the, these micro shifts really resonated for me because when you're in a trauma bonded relationship, when you're in the cycle, in the shame cycle, beating yourself up, taking a big leap can feel stressful.

It can feel really, really stressful. We can avoid it. And that can be a thing that keeps us keeping our head in the sand. So I created a guide called the Trauma Bond Breaker, and it will guide you through these seven micro shifts that you can start making daily in your life.

To start that recalibration. So this is not a just leave guide, this is a nervous system roadmap.

Inside this guide, I'm gonna walk you through how to label patterns so that shame stops running the show. I'm gonna teach you how to track the highs and the lows that show that you're chemically attached. [00:14:00] I'm gonna help you to anchor to the aftermath, the, the bad parts of the relationship.

So that your brain can come back into that reality place.

I'm gonna help you create safety before separation. I'm gonna help you reconnect with who you are, and I'm gonna help you learn how to start to regulate your body so you stop choosing what's familiar over what's healthy. So this guide is, is super gentle, it's super practical.

It is step by step. So it's satisfying that part of your brain that wants to just know what to do. And it's really designed for high functioning, successful women who are tired of feeling so secretly powerless over themselves and their lives.

Because I know that you want to feel clear and grounded and in control of your life in all areas.

It's really going to help you subtly start making these micro shifts so that you feel more resourced to detach for good, instead of forcing yourself into a decision that your body's not [00:15:00] ready to hold.

So if you're ready to take that next small step, I invite you to go to the show notes. There's a link for this free guide. Again, it's called the Trauma Bond Breaker, and when you opt in for that guide, I'm actually going to send it to you personally. So that we can really get to know each other and start a conversation about where you are.

What I wanna leave you with today in this episode. It is just a reminder that you are not weak. Even when you feel weak, you are not crazy. Even when you feel crazy, you are bonded and with the right support and guidance, bonds can be broken

slowly, safely, powerfully. I am walking proof that this can happen. It is my honor to be able to impart this wisdom onto you. So please go to the show notes and download that guide. I've got you. And to end this episode, as always, we're going to pull an Oracle card. Let's see what the message is today.

[00:16:00] Prickly skin, I'm gonna find. Prickly skin in the book, and I'm going to read you what it says.

From the deepest place of wisdom, prickly skin is born. Sometimes a delight, sometimes a warning. The subtle sensation of the body whispers to you a message from the divine. Pay attention. Feel the message. Something is moving you within you or without. That needs attention. Thousands of follicles pushing up their hair flags in order to get your attention that the spark of love or inspiration is real.

If you are wondering about starting a new adventure or had some middle of the night inspiration or the hint of a dream, not ready to be spoken yet, prickly skin is here to affirm that you should. No, you must proceed. Prickly skin may also be alerting.

You pay attention. Something is not right. Check your surroundings. There are external forces at play. Put away your phone, listen to the wind, and proceed cautiously. [00:17:00] Always a resonant message. Listen to that intuition. Tune in When you do detach from a trauma bonded relationship, you open up so much more space and capacity for your intuition to come back in for your true self to come back in.

So start that small practice now. What are the little inklings? What are you feeling pulled towards?

And until I see you in the next episode, please remember that you are not alone.