Let me paint two pictures for you. Picture one. It's 10:00 PM A 16-year-old daughter is lying in bed, scrolling through her phone. Her mom pokes her head in and ask, did you finish your homework? What time are you going to sleep? The daughter answers with one word responses, and mom walks away thinking they had a conversation. What the daughter really needed was for her mom to ask, Hey, what's been the hardest part of your week? Is there anything on your mind you wanna talk about before you sleep? But those questions never come. Picture two. Your daughter just had her first baby three weeks ago. She's exhausted, overwhelmed, and questioning everything her mother visits and immediately starts giving advice about feeding schedules and sleep training. She asks, are you doing tummy time? Have you started a routine yet? What the daughter desperately needs to hear, how can I support your motherhood? What matters most to you right now, but instead, she gets criticism disguised as concern. These moments happen every single day in mother-daughter relationships, mothers asking surface level questions or advice seeking questions when what their daughter really needs is to be seen, understood, and supported. Today we're going to explore the questions daughters long to hear at different stages of life from the preteen years all the way through becoming mothers themselves. And more importantly, we're going to talk about how to ask these questions in ways that actually open up connection rather than shut it down. Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. If you're a mother listening, I want you to know that your daughter is a mirror. She flex back your pain, your joy, maybe your unhealed wounds, and sometimes the parts of yourself you've had to suppress. When you ask her the right questions with genuine curiosity, you're not just learning about her. You're learning about yourself as well. If you're willing to be vulnerable. And willing to really see her and be seen by her. That's what's going to deepen the relationship. If you're a daughter listening, I want to acknowledge that this episode might bring up some grief. You might realize all the questions that you've been waiting to hear that just never came. Okay. Before we jump in, I do wanna let you know that I created a PDF download of all of the questions you're going to hear in this episode. So you don't have to worry about trying to write them down or, keep stopping and maybe writing and continuing to listen. If you just go to the link in the show notes. You can just download the file and it'll just be a PDF, so it'll just come straight to your email and you can download it. Okay, so let's jump in. We're gonna start with big kids and preteens roughly ages eight to 12. This is such a tender age. They're not little kids anymore, but they're not teenagers yet either. They're caught in this in-between space where they're developing their own thoughts, feelings, and identities, but they still desperately need their mothers. Parents assume that because these kids can tie their own shoes, make their own snacks, and seem more independent, they don't need the same level of emotional attention, but that couldn't be further from the truth. These kids are navigating friendship, drama, academic pressures, body changes, and a whole world of feelings that they don't have words for yet, and they won't always volunteer this information they need you to ask. So what questions? Open up real connection at this age. They're gonna be questions like, what makes you feel afraid? This question gives permission for vulnerability. It tells your daughter that fear is normal and that you're a safe place to bring those fears. What makes you feel safe? The flip side is equally important. When you know what makes her feel safe, you can create more of that in her life. The next question is, you're both little and big right now. What are ways you still feel little and what are ways you feel older? This question acknowledges the in-between space she's in. It validates that she's not fully one thing or the other, and that's okay. And this is a question that maybe she might need your partnership in answering. She may not have the answer for it, but you can help to maybe guide her in how to answer this question because she is both little and big. Do you ever wonder about disappointing me? This is a good one because it could open up some of the fears she might be carrying about what choices she wants to make or maybe a choice she did make and hasn't really told you because she's scared of disappointing You, reassure her that you will be there no matter what. Do you ever feel left out, whether it's at school with friends, or even in the family? Feeling left out is painful. Ask this question, tell her you're paying attention to her emotional world, not just her schedule. You can't just ask these questions at the dinner table and expect deep answers. Pre-teens need the right environment for vulnerability. Try moments like this at bedtime. When the lights are dim and she's winding down, that's when guards come down during car rides. There's something about not making eye contact that makes some of these conversations a little bit easier. And while you're doing an activity together, such as baking, walking, crafting, side by side, conversations feel less intense. You're not staring at each other. You can also use less specific, but equally powerful questions. Is there anything on your mind you wanna talk about before you go to sleep? What's been the hardest part of your week? I'm noticing you seem quiet, sad, frustrated, worried, feeling the emotion. I'm noticing you seem blank. Wanna talk about it? When she answers, don't immediately jump into fix it mode. Don't minimize her feelings with, oh, that's not a big deal, or, oh, you'll get over it. Instead, I want you to try something like, oh, tell me more about that. Yeah, that sounds really hard. Or how did that make you feel? And what do you need from me right now? Sometimes what you need isn't a question, but a statement, something like, you don't have to be perfect for me to be proud of you. I see you trying, and that's what matters to me most. It's okay to still need me. I'm right here. Let me know how I can help. If you've been distant or haven't been asking these kind of questions, here's a repair question you can ask. I realize I've been asking a lot about your grades and your schedule, but not as much about how you're actually feeling. Can we change that? This acknowledges what you've been missing and invites a new way of connecting. When you're able to connect to your daughter, you're able to open up more about her world and she's going to let you in. The more you know, the more you can keep her safe and the deeper your connection will grow. Okay. Moving on to our second group. This is teens and adolescents, roughly ages 13 to 18. If you're a mother of a teenager, you know, this stage can feel like you're suddenly speaking differently. Languages, your daughter might seem moody, distant, or like she doesn't want anything to do with you, but teenage daughters still desperately want their mothers to see them, know them and support them. They just need you to show up a little differently. The biggest mistake I see mothers make with teenage daughters is asking questions that feel like interrogations, or questions that come with hidden agendas. Where were you? Who are you with? Why didn't you call me? What times do you get home? These aren't connection questions. They're surveillance questions, and teenagers can smell the agenda a mile away what teenage daughters really want is for their mothers to ask questions that show genuine interest in who they're becoming, not just what they're doing, or whether they're following the rules. Of course, knowing where your daughter was and who she was with and what time she got home, like all of those are important questions. But when you're hitting her with kind of rapid fire surveillance questions like that, she's just shutting down slowly or quickly depending on who she is, but she's just gonna shut down. So you need to build connection with your daughter, and then those kind of questions won't really be needed because actually talking and communicating will be a healthy thing that's weaved in throughout everything that you guys do. So questions that daughters wish mothers would ask. Sounds a little bit like this. Are there any tough decisions you're making right now? This question acknowledges that she has a complex in her life. It tells her that you trust that she's thinking things through and you're available. If she needs a sounding board. What is something you love that you haven't shared with me yet? Teenagers are discovering new music, new interests, new parts of themselves. This question invites her to let you into that world without judgment, and you're showing genuine interest in who she is. Is there an area of your life that I can be showing up more or differently in? This can be vulnerable. You're essentially asking, am I getting this right? That vulnerability is what builds trust. It shows her that you care about how she experiences you. And tell me your side of the story. What happened when there's conflict or misunderstanding. This question is gold. It centers her perspective. Instead of immediately launching into your version of events or your disappointment, or immediately not believe in your daughter, let her tell you. See what happens. With teenagers, timing and tone are everything. Don't ask questions right when she walks in the door from school when you're already frustrated or in the middle of conflict, maybe in front of siblings or other people, or when she's clearly not in the mood to talk, give her some space and try a different time when she is more open to it. Do ask these kinds of questions during one-on-one time, maybe a coffee run or a drive where it's just the two of you. When she brings up something first, even if it's small, that is a door opening or a window opening, inviting you in when you're both calm and have time to actually talk or through text or the journal method if she's more comfortable with written communication. And yes, some teens do really open up more through text. Sometimes it just feels a bit safer without you sitting right in front of them. So a journal or even just text messages to kind of get things flowing. Ask without expectation of a particular answer. If you ask, are there any tough decisions you're making? And she says, no. Don't push. She's testing whether you really mean it or if you're just fishing it for information or she may really just mean no. But if you keep pushing and like driving for an answer or seeming like you don't believe her answer, you're gonna make it harder to connect. So just accept her. No and don't push. Ask a different question at a different time. Other great questions can be, what do you wish I understood more about you? Is there something you wanna tell me but you're worried how I'll react? What's one thing that would make you feel more supported by me? And when your teenage daughter actually opens up to you, this is not the time to launch into a lecture. Tell her what she should do. Bring up all the time. She didn't listen to you before, or make it about yourself. Maybe something sounding like, well, when I was your age, that's not gonna keep the conversation going, or keep her opening up to you. Instead, I want you to listen without interrupting. Validate her feelings, even if you don't agree with her choices. If she's not doing something harmful or unsafe, let her make her decision even if you don't like it, ask? What do you think you wanna do? And thank her for trusting you with this. Sometimes teenagers don't need questions. Sometimes they just need reassurance from their moms, and that can sound like you're allowed to change your mind about what you want. I trust you to figure this out and know you can come to me for help if you need it. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of who you're becoming. Even when we don't see eye to eye, or you don't have to have this all figured out right now, it's okay to take your time if your relationship with your teenage daughter has been strained. Here's a repair question. I feel like we've been disconnected lately. What do you need from me to feel closer Or if there's been a very specific conflict, you can say something like, I handled this situation badly. Can you tell me how it felt from your side? This is inviting her to share her emotions and letting her know that you actually want to repair or that you care about how she's feeling. This is gonna create a deeper connection. When you have a deeper connection, you know more about her life. It's really important that you make this attempt. To the moms listening, your daughter pulling away from you is developmentally normal. It's not a rejection of you. It's her learning to be her own person, and in order to be an adult, she has to spend some of this time figuring that part out. But she still needs you. She just needs you to show up with curiosity instead of control with questions instead of assumptions. I call this the partnership, like she needs you to be in partnership with her and let her be in partnership with you. That means that you trust her. To help make decisions for her life. You are still the mom and you are still in control. She is still a child even though she's a teenager, growing into an adult. But if you guys can make decisions for her life together, she starts to trust you more. And also, she starts to build her confidence too. She should be able to make some decisions alongside of you and feel proud of those, and if they don't work out, you're right there to help catch her fall. Like you're there to help her pick up the pieces and fix it, but you showed her that you trusted her. This is going to be integral to the adult relationship that you'll get to have with your daughter. Now let's talk about young daughters, roughly late teens through their twenties and sometimes into their thirties. The stages where your daughter's establishing her independence, making her choices about career, relationships, where to live, how to spend money. Like all on her own. And this is often where mother-daughter relationships either deepen into adult friendship or become strained by unspoken expectations and boundary violations. The biggest struggle I see at this stage is mothers who can't shift from parenting mode to adult relationship mode. They're still trying to guide and advise and protect in ways that worked when her daughter was 12 or 16, but can feel suffocating at 25. Adult daughters don't need their mothers to manage their lives. They need their mothers to respect their autonomy while still being available for support. Yes, it's a tricky stage. Your daughter is making choices you might not agree with. She might be choosing a career path you don't understand dating someone you wouldn't have picked living somewhere far away or making financial decisions that make you very nervous. The questions you ask at this stage either communicate, I trust you, or I don't think you can handle your own life, and your daughter can tell the difference. So questions that daughters at this stage would like to hear from their moms, what decisions are you making? Not, what decisions should you make? Not have you thought about blank, just genuine curiosity about what she's working through. This question gives her space to process out loud without feeling directed. Do you need my help or advice, or are you just looking to vent? This is a question every mother of an adult daughter should master. It acknowledges that sometimes your daughter just wants to vent or think out loud, and sometimes she actually wants her input. Let her tell you which one she needs, and if you have a daughter that's willing to come to you to vent, let her vent. It means she trusts you. So don't overstep. Just let her vent and be the person that's on her side. Even if you don't agree with her in your head, she's venting to you. Just be on her side unless she's looking for advice. Another one is, I'd love to do blank with you. When are you free? This question shows you want to spend time with her, but you're expecting her schedule and her life. You're not demanding. She show up for family events or guilting her about not visiting enough. You're inviting connection on equal terms. At this stage, your daughter's living her own life. You can't use the same tactics you did when she was younger. You can't catch her at bedtime or in the car. On the way to school, these things are no longer gonna work. You have to respect her communication preferences. Some adult daughters prefer text, some prefer calls. Some prefer in-person conversations. Ask permission before giving advice. That question of, are you looking to vent or do you actually want my advice on this? Except I don't wanna talk about that right now as a valid response. If she doesn't wanna talk, then don't make her. If she trusts you, when she's ready to talk, she's going to come to you. If you keep pushing, trust gets smaller. If you keep yourself available and open to her, trust gets bigger. Create opportunities for connection that work for her life, not just yours. Hey, when are you free? I would love to do this with you While y'all are in the middle of whatever this is, you can ask questions to deepen connection. Some other great questions you can ask is, how's your mental health lately? What are you excited about right now? What's been challenging for you? Is there anything you've been wanting to talk about but you haven't brought up yet? These are going to open up a dialogue with her. Questions not to ask. So there are questions that can damage connection at this stage. Something like, when are you going to settle down, get married, have kids. This is agenda driven and pressure filled. It's not connection. You're looking to satisfy yourself with those questions, not her. Don't you think you should blank? This is disguised as a question, but really you're trying to tell her what to do. Are you sure about that? Implies that you don't trust her judgment. And yes, this one's tricky. If it's about safety or something dangerous, like you wanna keep your daughter safe. I know that's important, okay? And that's different. But if it's just because you would choose differently, this question just damages trust. So. Let it go. Or why can't you be more like blank and start comparing her to somebody else for something else? This applies for your adult daughter, but that question applies for your daughter at any age. Don't compare her to other people. She is who she is. Love her for it. So when your adult daughter shares something with you, these responses can build connection. That sounds really exciting or that sounds really hard. You wanna match her emotional tone. Don't be sad if she's not sad and don't be excited if she's not excited. Just match where she is. I believe in you. That one's amazing. We all want to hear that. How can I support you with this? That opens up the door for her to tell you what she needs from you, and thank you for sharing that with me. These responses can damage connection. Immediately sharing what you would do differently maybe at a later time. Not right when she tells you bringing up past mistakes, that feels like, and I told you so moment, and nobody wants to hear that. And offering unsolicited opinions about her life choices. A supportive statement for this age can sound like I'm learning to see you as the adult. You are not just my child. I trust your judgment. Even when I would choose differently. Your life is yours to live and I'm here if you need me. I'm also okay if you don't. If you've been overstepping boundaries or struggling with the shift to adult relationships, I want you to have phrases like this to start to build reconnection. Think of something like, I think I've been treating you like you're still my child. Instead of recognizing you as an adult, how can I do better? What can I shift or adjust for you, or I miss our connection? What would a good relationship between us look like to you now that you're an adult? What needs to be adjusted, what needs to change that? Those are both very open-ended questions that will invite conversation and bring you into her thought process. At this stage, your job is no longer to guide and protect in the same way you're gonna always be protecting your daughter. You are her mother, of course, but it doesn't look the same right now. Your biggest job at this age is to witness support and be available. That means watching her make choices you wouldn't make and biting your tongue, trusting that you raised her well enough to figure things out. Being there to help her if she falls, but not preventing every fall. She's gotta learn some things. That also applies to your teenage daughter and respecting that she knows her life better than you do. When you ask questions that communicate respect for her autonomy, you're telling her you're capable. I trust you, and I still want to know you and be a part of your life. That's how mother-daughter relationships survive this transition, not by holding on tighter, but by opening your hands and inviting adult connection by being available, but not being pushy by being supportive, but not telling her what to do. You guys are now in this dance of she's walking in front of you, you're walking behind her. You're there if she falls. But you're not pulling her in the direction you want her to go. You're not kind of, you're not steering the wheel here anymore. She is. And you get to just be her mom in a new way. And this stage can be really fun. Let's move on to the next stage. Now we come to one of the most vulnerable and transformative stages in a woman's life, becoming a mother herself. When your daughter becomes a mother of big shift happens in your relationship, she's stepping into the role you've held, and suddenly she understands things about motherhood and about you. That she never could before. That can be a time of incredible healing and connection, or it can be a time of intense conflict and hurt. There are grandmothers who think they're being helpful by offering constant advice, correcting their daughter's parenting choices, or taking over instead of supporting. And there are daughters who are desperately trying to figure out their own motherhood while feeling criticized, undermined, or invisible in their own parenting. Your daughter needs you to show up. Your daughter doesn't need you to show her how to be a mother. She needs you to support her motherhood even if it looks different from yours, even when it looks different from yours. Here are questions daughters wish you would ask at this stage. How can I support your motherhood? This question centers her needs, her parenting, her way of doing things. It asks, how can you be helpful instead of assuming you know what she needs? I trust you to take care of your baby. What can I do for you? This question does two powerful things. It affirms her capability as a mother, and it shifts the focus to supporting her, not taking over her baby care. What matters most to you right now? Early motherhood is overwhelming. There's feeding and sleeping, and doctor's appointments, her own healing, her relationship, her identity shift. This question lets her tell you where her focus is and what she needs help with. Right now. When your daughter becomes a mother, you have to resist the urge to tell her how you did things. Unless she wants to know, of course, correct. Her methods take the baby from her to give her a break without asking. Offer advice she didn't request or make comments about her parenting choices. I know this is hard. I know you have decades of experience and you want to help, but unsolicited advice, even well-meaning advice feels like criticism to a Noom brother who's already probably doubting herself. Instead, ask, before offering advice, would you like to hear what worked for me? Or do you just need to vent? Offer specific help. Can I do your laundry? Make dinner for you. Hold the baby while you shower. Be specific. Don't just think help means holding the baby so she can do something else. Sometimes moms just wanna sit on the couch and hold their baby while you do something else. Respect her choices even when they're different from yours. Remember that parenting has changed since you had babies. Car seat rules, sleep guidelines, feeding recommendations, all of those things look different now. Okay. Here are some other questions you can ask. How are you doing, not just the baby, but you, what's been the hardest part of this transition for you? Is there anything about becoming a mother that surprised you? What do you need that you're not getting these questions that follow right now can damage the relationship? At this stage, they sound like why are you doing it that way? It implies her way is wrong. And that's not necessarily true. Are you sure the baby needs blank? This undermines her maternal instincts. She's going to take care of her baby. In my day, we, this statement, dismisses current parenting knowledge and her choices. Or when are you having another? This is completely ignoring where she is right now. Let her focus on the baby that's here, or the babies that are here, whatever stage that she's in. Don't rush her to have another. If that's not something she's discussing. When your daughter shares how she's really doing, here's what she needs. If she's struggling, you can say something like, that sounds so hard. You're doing a great job. Even when it doesn't feel like it, or what's one thing I can take off your plate? Or just reminding her that you're a good mother. If she's making choices differently than you did, you can say something like, I see you've really thought about this. Or Every mother has to find what works for her family, or, I'm learning from watching you parent. That one is probably my favorite. Other supportive statements at this age can sound like you know your baby better than anyone. Trust yourself. 'cause I trust you. You are the mother. I'm here to support you, not take over. What do you need me to do? I'm so proud of the mother you're becoming. You don't have to do this perfectly, you just have to do it with love. My. This is a personal story, but my mom was visiting over Christmas break and we were in the car and my daughter was talking about things that are healthy, so like food that's healthy and she doesn't say healthy with the T. She says it with an F. So she says, healthy. That's really healthy, right? Mommy? That's what she says when she's trying to understand if a food is healthy or not healthy. And that is not a word that I use in my home. So I don't teach her healthy or not healthy. Um, we just talk about food is very neutral in our home. If you're hungry, you eat. And we talk about food that makes our bodies feel good and food that maybe doesn't make our body feel good. So she knows like. Cookies. Eating a lot of cookies is probably gonna hurt her tummy, but eating one cookie probably won't. So we talk about food that way and make it very neutral. But she asked my mom if something was healthy and instead of my mom answering the question, um, she referred to me and said, I forgot her exact words, but it was something along the lines of, oh, Grammy's, not sure. Let's ask Mommy that question. And she gave me a chance to answer in a way that mattered to me. Because healthy and not healthy or good or bad foods is something that, you know, I, I believe I grew up learning and that's not how I want my daughter to approach food. And so I really appreciated my mom just saying that. So she didn't say yes or no. Um, she didn't like shut my daughter down. It was just, oh, let's ask mommy that question. And that gave me a chance to answer in a way that matters to me and my parenting. I just wanted to share that like there's ways to support your daughter in the decisions that she's making and make her feel good about her choices without you having to say anything. Because my mom probably wanted to say, no, whatever you're asking about is not healthy 'cause probably wasn't a healthy food. But that's not the words in the language that I'm using and my mom knows that matters to me. Okay, off my soapbox, back into the next part, repair questions for this stage. If you've been overstepping or offering too much unsolicited advice, you can say something like, you know, I've realized that I've been giving a lot of advice when maybe you just needed support. How can I be helpful without being overbearing? And you don't have to say overbearing if that word doesn't feel good for you, but you get the point. A lot of these questions can be tailored to your voice. These are just ideas. Or if there's been a conflict about parenting choices, you can say something like, I think I've been holding too tightly to how I did things. Can we start fresh with you teaching me why you're doing this? I'm curious as to what's changed or what's different since you were a baby. When your daughter becomes a mother, you're watching her step into one of the most defining roles of her life. She might do things differently than you. She might make choices that make you uncomfortable. She might even succeed in ways that highlighted where you struggled. And all of that is okay. Your daughter mothering differently than you, doesn't mean you were wrong. It means that she's her own person in her own time with her own child. And this is a completely new generation and we're in the information age and we have all kinds of information at our fingertips that you may not have had. So it doesn't mean that you were wrong, it's just different. If you can celebrate that instead of feeling threatened by it, if you can support her motherhood instead of trying to shape it, your relationship deepens. She sees you not just as her mother, but as a woman who respects and trust her, like that feels so good. When mothers get this stage right, when they support, instead of criticize, when they ask, instead of assuming it can heal old wounds. This goes back to how you treat your teenager like a partnership. You know, I trusted my teenager to, to help make decisions for her life. You should be able to trust your adult daughter to make all the decisions for her life because you prepared her for that. Your daughter might start to understand why you made certain choices when she was growing up. You might start to see her in a completely new light. The relationship can shift from mother to child, to mother to mother, with mutual understanding and respect. But that only happens when you're willing to step back. Ask the right questions and truly support her motherhood, not remake it into your image or what you want it to look like. Now we need to talk about repair questions that are sometimes the hardest to ask. These are questions that require you as a mother to face your own mistakes, to take accountability, to be vulnerable in ways that might feel terrifying. Repair can't happen with your defenses. Up and repair can't happen without acknowledgement. If there's hurt between you and your daughter, whether it's from something that happened last week or something that happened decades ago, it will always be there until it's addressed. You can ignore it or minimize it. You can say, that was so long ago, why can't she just get over it? But the hurt doesn't just go away because time passes. The whole time heals all wounds is just not true. The only thing that heals relational wounds is relational repair and repair starts with a simple question. Here are some examples. Did I hurt you when this question names a specific incident or pattern? It shows you've been paying attention and you're willing to acknowledge harm you caused. Next question, what do you wish I had done differently? This question gives your daughter permission to tell you what she needed that she didn't get. It can be painful to hear, but it's necessary and it tells you how to move forward. It actually gives you what you're looking for. If there's something I've done that you're still upset about, this is an open-ended invitation for your daughter to bring up hurt you might not even be aware of. It requires you to listen without getting defensive. That can be hard, but if you're looking to repair your defenses can't be up. How did my blank affect you? Okay. Fill in the blank with whatever pattern or behavior you're recognizing. How did my emotional and availability affect you? How did my working hours affect you? Like, fill it in. How did my favoritism to your brother affect you? If you listen to my last episode, you'll see why I threw that in there. How did my criticism of you affect you? Ask her if you've noticed that maybe you did something that could have caused pain. Ask her if it did. She's the only one who can tell you these questions can be hard to ask, and you might not like the answer. You might feel like you're opening Pandora's box. You might be afraid. She'll say something that confirms your worst fears about yourself as a mother. You might feel defensive before she even responds. And all of that is normal. Like don't think that you shouldn't feel a certain way. Whatever emotions come up are real for you, but your daughter's been carrying this hurt, okay? So whatever emotions you're afraid of, she's already been carrying pain. The questions don't create new hurt, it just brings it all to light where you can finally be healed. You guys can actually talk about it and move forward when you're ready to ask a repair question, here's how to do it. Make it private, one-on-one conversation. Don't bring all of this up around other people. Don't make it uncomfortable and don't make it weird. Um, when you both have time and emotional capacity to fully talk about it. You don't wanna bring up something when one of you are rushing, that doesn't give it time that it needs and deserves don't bring this up in the middle of an argument or when negative emotions are already high, not the time. And depending on your daughter, I would say not through text, but I know some people prefer that because that feels a little bit more comfortable for them. But these kind of conversations like repair conversations should happen face to face, or at least voice to voice. If you can get on a phone call, even that's better. I want you to ask with genuine openness, like you have to be ready to hear her answer. You can't ask defensively. You can't be ready to just respond to protect yourself. Like, well, I did that because, or I only did that because I was trying to help like that. That's not going to help anything you want to listen without defending. You want to sit in the discomfort and just. Let the emotions play out. You don't have to rush this conversation. The hope is that you guys have plenty of time to sit there even in silence while you both feel whatever you're feeling when your daughter tells you how you hurt her. Every instinct will want you to explain, justify, or minimize it. And I'm here to tell you, don't do that. It's not gonna end well. Don't say things like, that's not what I meant, or, you're being too sensitive, or, I was doing the best I could. Or you don't understand what I was going through or anything like that, that's not going to help. That's already minimizing her experience. You're here to repair, and repair is gonna sound like, thank you for telling me that. Or I can see how that hurt you. Or I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. Or, what do you need from me now? How do I fix this moving forward? So when we're pairing mother-daughter relationships, I always remind my clients. That we can't go back and change the past. We can't change the pain that's already occurred. We can't change the dynamics that have already happened. The goal of repairing mother-daughter relationships is that we create something new moving forward. If you both are willing to work on the relationship, it means that you both want to be in the relationship. So hashing out the past. Isn't going to help anyone acknowledging that it happened. Yes, but you're not here to try and change it. You can't change the past. It's already occurred. You're here to see what needs to be different moving forward. How, from this point on of us bringing this up and talking about it, how do we move on to have a better relationship? That is the goal of repair. The conversation can't end there. Repair requires follow through. So ask things like what would repair look like to you? How can I do better moving forward? Is there anything else you need to say about this? And then actually change your behavior. Don't apologize. And then keep doing the same thing that tells her the apology was just words and it really didn't mean anything. Don't be that mom. If you're going to step into repair, be fully ready to prepare and change your behavior. Some of you listening might be thinking, but my daughter won't talk to me, or we're estranged, or she's made it clear that she doesn't want a relationship with me. If that's where you are, hear this, you can still work on yourself. You can still acknowledge what you did wrong, even if only to yourself. You can still write a letter. That maybe you'll send or maybe you won't take in accountability. Sometimes repair doesn't lead to reconciliation. Sometimes the relationship can't be saved, but the work of facing what you did wrong is still worth doing for your own healing, it's still worth doing so that way you can move on and you can also be prepared and ready for if she decides that she'd like to try again because she might actually like to try again in the future. I also want to acknowledge many of you listening didn't have mothers who asked these kinds of questions. You might carry your own mother wound because your mom did not see you or support you or hear you. Your mother may have never apologized to you, and now you're supposed to apologize to your daughter. It sucks, but yes, you are. You're supposed to apologize to your daughter. The cycle has to break somewhere, and you can choose that it's you. You deserved repair from your mother and your daughter deserves repair from you. Both things can be true at the same time. Asking repair questions takes more courage than almost anything else in the mother-daughter relationship. It requires you to face your own imperfection, your own humanity, and your own mistakes. When you do it, your daughter sees that you're willing to be vulnerable with her. She sees that the relationship matters more to you than being right, and she sees that you value her feelings and her experience, and that's what creates the possibility for real healing. It may hurt to address it, but it will always hurt if it's never addressed. So just do it. Rip the bandaid off and start the conversations. As we close out today's episode, I want to speak directly to both mothers and daughters listening. The questions we've talked about today from what makes you feel safe to how can I support your motherhood to did I hurt you? When these aren't just conversation starters, they're invitations into your daughter's inner world. When you ask these questions with genuine curiosity, without an agenda, without trying to fix or control, you're telling your daughter, I see you. I want to know you. Your thoughts and feelings matter to me. Your daughter's a mirror. When you look at her, you might see your own pain, your own unhealed wounds, the parts of yourself you had to suppress. You might see the childhood you didn't get to have, or the opportunities you wish you'd taken. That can be uncomfortable, but it can also be incredibly healing when you ask her these questions and really listen to her answers. You're not just learning about her. You're learning about yourself. You're creating connection you might not have had with your own mother. You're breaking generational patterns, and yes, some of these questions are scary to ask. The repair questions especially, but your vulnerability, your willingness to face mistakes and take accountability, that's what makes the relationship deepen. That's what builds lasting trust. All mothers mess up. There's not a single mother on this planet that can say she got it all right. Okay. Every single one of us have messed up, but good mothers are willing to repair the ones who create lasting, healthy relationship with their daughters. They're the ones who will apologize. They're the ones who will face it, and they're the ones who will fix it. So perfect. Moms don't exist, and good moms didn't get it. All right? Good moms are the ones who will repair. So here's my challenge to you this week. Pick one question from today's episode that resonates with where your daughter is in her life right now. Ask it with genuine curiosity without expectation of a particular answer, and then actually listen to what she says. Don't defend, don't correct. Don't make it about you. Just listen and see what happens. You might be surprised by what she shares. You might learn something about her you never knew. You might even begin to repair something that's been broken for a long time, but you have to start, you have to be the one to ask to the daughters listening. I know this episode might be hard to listen to. If your mother is someone who will never ask these questions, if she's not capable of this level of emotional presence or vulnerability, your grief is real and it matters. You deserve to be asked these questions. You deserve a mother who is curious about your inner world. Who wanted to understand you, who was willing to repair when she hurt you? Not having that is a loss, and it's something that you have to grieve. So let that happen. You can give yourself some of what you didn't receive. You can ask yourself these questions. You can create relationships you needed with friends, with partners, with chosen family who do ask these kinds of questions. Your mother's inability to see you, doesn't define your worth. You are worthy of being known, being understood, being supported, whether she can do that or not. What we've really been talking about today is emotional support. That's what all of these questions come down to. I fully believe that mother wounds are born out of relationships where emotional support was lacking. Daughters need their mother's emotional support. They need her love her trust, her belief in them. They need to know that they can bring their whole selves, their fears, their dreams, their mistakes, their triumphs, and still be loved. When mothers ask these kinds of questions and really listen to the answers they're providing that emotional support. So mothers start asking daughters, keep hoping and if you can keep being open to connection and everyone listening, let's remember that it's never too late to deepen a relationship. It's never too late to repair, and it's never too late to really start seeing each other. So if your mom can't do it or you have a friend whose mom can't do it, be the one to do it. Help them feel what repair is supposed to feel like. That is all I have for you today. I do hope that you enjoyed today's episode. Reminder that I put all of these questions into a document for you that you can go and grab. The link is in the show notes, so just click on it and get the download. That way you don't have to write all of these questions down or try and replay this to find the one that matters to you. Just go grab the document and I will catch you in the next one. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.