Whenever I am going through changes in my life, it feels good to share them with you, the audience, because I imagine that whatever challenges I'm facing, many of you might be facing as well.

And this episode is about a little bit about some of my revelations through my dating experience.

I would love to hear yours as well.

Feel free to comment on social media or send me a note.

And I'd love to do more episodes around this because I think it is particularly interesting when we are dating in midlife or post divorce and the different challenges and the different new experiences that we get to have because of our place in life.

Welcome to the Taboo to Truth podcast, unapologetic conversations about sexuality in midlife.

I'm your hostess, Karen Bigman, certified life and menopause coach and sex educator.

Whether it's a dwindling libido, a dry vagina, a challenging erection, or the emotional ups and downs of midlife, we're here to talk about it all.

I'm going to bring the often quiet into the light to create a safe space where no question is too awkward or taboo.

Together, we're creating a community of support and education where you can learn, share, and laugh about the intricate beauty of sex in midlife.

So grab your favorite drink and put me on speaker.

It's time we broke the silence.

I thought I'd do another episode on dating and relationships.

I am single, and I've been out there on the apps and dating, and I'm trying to change my patterns.

I've talked about before how I had this kind of anxious attachment style where I was always worried about, does he like me?

Will he call again?

Will he text again?

And I think a lot of times, particularly as women, we feel like we are never going to find the right person.

And so we grasp onto somebody because they're interested in us.

That may not be exactly the right person for us, but the thought is, there's so few men out there.

How can I possibly let this one go?

He's got.

And we look for things.

We try to find things that they have for us.

He always opens the car door for me, or he calls most of the time and he seems interested in me, or he's good in bed, which that could be a reason to stay with somebody, if that's what you're looking for.

But if you really want to connect with someone, not just sexually, and I think they go hand in hand, I mean, you can really connect with somebody sexually and have really good sex, and that's all it is.

And it's a whether it's friends with benefits or a situationship or I, something like that.

And if that works for you, then forget what I'm talking about.

But for somebody who's really looking to figure out what is it like, why is it, I'm just not finding what I want?

And is he really out there?

First thing I want to say is that I really believe that you can manifest now, whether you find that a little woo woo or not.

But when you put out an energy that you feel good enough in yourself that you deserve somebody who deserves you, it changes the whole picture.

It's not to say that you won't look for, you'll meet somebody who likes you and try to fit them into your life, but it gives you a different perspective because you no longer feel like this is the reason for my existence.

This is the not the person that's going to complete me, because maybe I'm not complete, but I'm feeling pretty good.

And I have other things in other areas of my life that are really good, and I'm going to focus on those.

And when the right person or people come in, then I have time to say, all right, is this person worth taking energy away from that, first of all?

And then how do we navigate this back and forth so that we can actually make a connection?

And I think it really comes down to what you want and what your values are.

And I think we tend to minimize others.

Our voice.

I know with me, I was always trying to fit myself to be the person that I was dating wanted me to be, or I wouldn't say how I felt because I thought then he won't like me, or I wouldn't ask for what I really needed.

Because then if I asked for what I need, then he's going to leave and he left anyway, right?

So that was my experience.

And now I'm at a point where I want certain things and I have certain values.

And to me, what is going to really make the connection is a mutual interest.

There's a lot of superficiality.

You meet someone on an app and you check like three, four or five boxes, whatever it is.

They're handsome, they're cute, they're pretty, that's all great.

And so you go out on a date and then there's like a dance, there's, how much do I want to jump into them?

Sometimes there's an unbelievable attraction on the first date, and you construe that as, oh, my God, I love this guy, I totally want to be in a relationship with him, or you go into it in no way.

And something builds or there's something in the middle.

And I think that what is really important, if you really want to connect with someone and build a relationship with them, you gotta know.

You gotta know about them, you gotta ask about them.

And you have to be vulnerable, and they have to be willing to be vulnerable back.

And what I find a lot is that the superficial stuff is great, but then when you start to think about it, I've been meeting a lot of people that seem very interested in telling me about themselves.

They might ask me about myself, but they don't seem terribly interested in it.

And I really want someone to partner with me and help me in all my everyday life, in my everyday decisions.

As much as I want to be part of their life, I want it.

If there's a lot of family drama, that part is hard for me because I came out of a relationship where there was a lot of that.

But sometimes you have issues with your kids, with your mom, with work, whatever it is, you want to feel that the person is listening when you talk to them.

And you want to really be comfortable enough to say and to ask for what you need.

And if you need somebody to call you every day just to say hi, or if you need somebody to give you peace for a weekend and take off, just not be with you so you can hang with your friends, or you need someone to understand that you have a family member that needs your attention, and I then you need to be able to ask for it.

And that is what will really connect you with someone.

Because when they understand what your needs are and you understand what theirs are, and it's a dialogue, and those things change and you continue to communicate.

Remember, I talk about communication all the time.

Everything will start to flow once you communicate about what you need in a relationship, what you need every day, what you need in life, you can also start to get better about communicating in bed.

Right?

You can now say, I love when you do this, but remember, I don't like blah, blah, blah.

So it's, there's, the comfort level just gets better and better.

And the more comfortable you can be with someone, the more raw and open and real and vulnerable.

And that is where the connection happens.

And it's hard to find those people.

And you may not want that.

You may be fine with a superficial relationship that someone to go out with on Saturday night, someone to have sex with.

That's great.

That's your thing.

I know for me that I.

The value, my values, what I think is important, somebody who doesn't value their kids, their family, who doesn't have time for them, doesn't pay attention to them.

That's the thing for me because my kids are very important to me and they are my priority.

It doesn't mean I spend every minute with them.

They're very independent.

They do their own thing.

And that's important for me, too.

That what's the balance with your kids?

Are your kids independent but you have a good relationship?

Or is it they're living with you or you're constantly answering?

I had one guy I was dating was constantly, like, there was trauma.

He was his, his daughter's therapist the whole time.

That doesn't work for me.

So again, what are your values?

What are the things that will really help you connect with someone?

And don't sell yourself short.

And I think that's the hardest thing not to do.

I think that as women particularly, we are always trying to settle just to be in a relationship.

It's lonely.

There are times when I really wish that there was someone by my side, but there's so many more times when I say, thank God I'm not with someone like that.

Or that person would have just taken up space in my life for a period of time, and then it wouldn't have worked out anyway because we don't share values and we don't see the world the same way.

And that is what will help you find and maintain connection with somebody.

Thanks for joining me on the taboo to Truth podcast, where I'm spicing up midlife one episode at a time.

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And until next time, grab your favorite drink and put me on speaker.

It's time we broke the silence.