1 00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:21,920 Captivating is a pretty strong word, and as such, it’s probably something that we want 2 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:25,440 to strive for in our interactions. 3 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:30,650 When we think of a captivating person, what kind of mental image comes to mind? 4 00:00:30,650 --> 00:00:34,810 If you were to choose a picture for a “captivating person” in a dictionary, what would the 5 00:00:34,810 --> 00:00:36,500 person be? 6 00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:43,150 What is this person expressing, how are they acting, and what are you watching them do? 7 00:00:43,150 --> 00:00:47,719 More often than not, this person is going to look like they are on a stage or pulpit 8 00:00:47,719 --> 00:00:52,550 gesticulating grandly and expressively, with an emotion-filled face. 9 00:00:52,550 --> 00:00:56,800 And I would also bet that this person is in the middle of weaving an engrossing tale that 10 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,239 captivates his or her audience. 11 00:00:59,239 --> 00:01:04,900 Indeed, if you think about it, it seems that only with storytelling can we mesmerize and 12 00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:07,990 charm others into hanging on to our every word. 13 00:01:07,990 --> 00:01:13,420 Okay, that’s up for debate, but determining whether or not that is true is not the aim 14 00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:14,950 of this chapter. 15 00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:20,940 No one can deny that storytelling is an important element of memorable conversations and discussions 16 00:01:20,940 --> 00:01:22,650 that you want to have. 17 00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:27,770 The question is always how to capture this elusive skill and make it your own. 18 00:01:27,770 --> 00:01:33,729 Therefore, in this chapter, I want to present a few perspectives on how you can use storytelling 19 00:01:33,729 --> 00:01:37,600 in your everyday conversations and even small talk. 20 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:44,690 It’s helpful to first take the mystique away from the whole concept of storytelling. 21 00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:45,690 What is storytelling? 22 00:01:45,690 --> 00:01:48,829 It’s just telling someone about something that happened. 23 00:01:48,829 --> 00:01:49,829 That’s all. 24 00:01:49,829 --> 00:01:54,619 Of course, there are better and worse ways to do this, but at the core, storytelling 25 00:01:54,619 --> 00:02:00,060 is just talking about the past in a way that makes people pay attention. 26 00:02:00,060 --> 00:02:04,969 The first part we have no problem with—we’ve all described our pasts, and we all have great 27 00:02:04,969 --> 00:02:10,570 experiences worthy of being told—but the second part is typically the challenge. 28 00:02:10,570 --> 00:02:15,800 With that in mind, let’s see how we can get better at storytelling. 29 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:19,650 A Life of Stories 30 00:02:19,650 --> 00:02:24,630 To get better at stories, we have to begin to recognize them in our daily lives. 31 00:02:24,630 --> 00:02:26,440 No, seriously. 32 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:30,750 We don’t think of our lives as being very interesting on a day-to-day basis, but we 33 00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:33,390 do quite a bit more than we realize. 34 00:02:33,390 --> 00:02:37,190 It’s not that every day you are engaging in a massive protest that you can tell your 35 00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:41,970 kids about, or you were chased by a wiener dog down a dark alley whereupon a man dressed 36 00:02:41,970 --> 00:02:44,930 as a parrot saved you by tackling the dog. 37 00:02:44,930 --> 00:02:50,140 These stories are self-evident and don’t need any organization or special way of telling 38 00:02:50,140 --> 00:02:52,940 them to make an impact. 39 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:58,569 We have to draw from our daily lives, and believe me, there is plenty to draw from. 40 00:02:58,569 --> 00:03:05,060 It’s just a matter of seeing the mini-stories that are inherent in our everyday existence. 41 00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:09,000 What is the definition of a mini-story in this context? 42 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:10,980 “So what do you do?” 43 00:03:10,980 --> 00:03:12,879 “I’m a marketing executive.” 44 00:03:12,879 --> 00:03:15,050 Well, not that. 45 00:03:15,050 --> 00:03:18,360 That’s going to get a reply of "Oh, cool. 46 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:21,010 I’m going to the bathroom now, goodbye." 47 00:03:21,010 --> 00:03:23,050 Let’s try again. 48 00:03:23,050 --> 00:03:25,200 “So what do you do?” 49 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,970 “I’m a marketing executive. 50 00:03:26,970 --> 00:03:29,630 I deal mostly with clients. 51 00:03:29,630 --> 00:03:34,620 Just last week we had a crazy client that threatened to send his bodyguards to our office! 52 00:03:34,620 --> 00:03:39,409 I definitely wish I dealt more with the creative side.” 53 00:03:39,409 --> 00:03:40,420 There we go. 54 00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:45,110 This will probably garner a stronger response than wanting to escape to the bathroom, such 55 00:03:45,110 --> 00:03:46,500 as “Oh my God! 56 00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:48,379 Did he actually send them? 57 00:03:48,379 --> 00:03:49,569 TELL ME MORE. 58 00:03:49,569 --> 00:03:50,569 ” 59 00:03:50,569 --> 00:03:51,819 That’s a mini-story. 60 00:03:51,819 --> 00:03:58,909 It’s answering questions (or spontaneously sharing) briefly using the elements of a story—an 61 00:03:58,909 --> 00:04:02,840 action that occurs to a subject with some sort of conclusion. 62 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:08,189 As you can see above, a brief mini-story will create exponentially more conversation and 63 00:04:08,189 --> 00:04:13,080 interest than any answer to the question, “What do you do?" 64 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,629 All you needed was three sentences. 65 00:04:15,629 --> 00:04:21,269 Try reading it out loud—it takes less than ten seconds, and you’ve jam-packed it with 66 00:04:21,269 --> 00:04:24,340 enough information to be interesting to anyone. 67 00:04:24,340 --> 00:04:30,110 What’s great about mini-stories is you can also create these before a conversation, so 68 00:04:30,110 --> 00:04:34,880 you can have compelling anecdotes at hand in response to very common and widespread 69 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:35,880 questions. 70 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:41,040 The main benefit to creating mini-stories ahead of time is to be able to avoid one-word 71 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:44,699 answers that you may be accustomed to using. 72 00:04:44,699 --> 00:04:49,820 This can give a sense of confidence going in, because you’ve prepared for what will 73 00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:51,880 come. 74 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:57,500 When you break down the context surrounding a mini-story, they become much simpler. 75 00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:02,070 Shoot for three sentences that can answer some of the most common conversation topics 76 00:05:02,070 --> 00:05:03,660 that will arise. 77 00:05:03,660 --> 00:05:04,970 1. 78 00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:10,680 Your occupation (if you have a job that is unusual or nebulous, make sure you have a 79 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:14,229 layman’s description of your job that people can relate to) 80 00:05:14,229 --> 00:05:15,229 2. 81 00:05:15,229 --> 00:05:16,229 Your week 82 00:05:16,229 --> 00:05:18,540 3. 83 00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:19,540 Your upcoming weekend 84 00:05:19,540 --> 00:05:21,729 4. 85 00:05:21,729 --> 00:05:22,729 Your hometown 86 00:05:22,729 --> 00:05:24,229 5. 87 00:05:24,229 --> 00:05:27,009 Your hobbies and so on. 88 00:05:27,009 --> 00:05:31,600 When you are using a mini-story to answer a question, make sure to first acknowledge 89 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,790 the question that was asked. 90 00:05:33,790 --> 00:05:37,949 But then, realizing that you have something far more interesting to say, you can jump 91 00:05:37,949 --> 00:05:42,479 into the mini-story, which should be able to stand by itself. 92 00:05:42,479 --> 00:05:43,940 “How was your weekend?” 93 00:05:43,940 --> 00:05:45,380 “It was fine. 94 00:05:45,380 --> 00:05:47,570 I watched four Star Wars movies.” 95 00:05:47,570 --> 00:05:50,639 “Okay, I’m going to go talk to someone else now.” 96 00:05:50,639 --> 00:05:52,210 Let’s try again. 97 00:05:52,210 --> 00:05:54,300 “How was your weekend?” 98 00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:58,380 “It was fine, but did I tell you about what happened last Friday? 99 00:05:58,380 --> 00:06:03,360 A dog wearing a tuxedo walked into my office and he peed on everything.” 100 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,509 “Wait. 101 00:06:05,509 --> 00:06:08,110 Tell me more.” 102 00:06:08,110 --> 00:06:13,580 Using mini-stories allows you to avoid the tired back of forth of “Good, how about 103 00:06:13,580 --> 00:06:16,410 you” you’ll find in everyday small talk. 104 00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:20,259 That’s the first step to being captivating. 105 00:06:20,259 --> 00:06:25,750 It might help to reframe mini-stories this way - when people make small talk with you 106 00:06:25,750 --> 00:06:30,949 and ask any of the classic small-talk questions, they aren’t truly interested in the answers 107 00:06:30,949 --> 00:06:32,570 to those questions. 108 00:06:32,570 --> 00:06:36,590 They want to hear something interesting, so give it to them. 109 00:06:36,590 --> 00:06:41,410 This is an important point to repeat - when we ask how someone’s weekend was, or what 110 00:06:41,410 --> 00:06:46,590 people’s travel plans are, we usually aren’t that interested in the literal answer. 111 00:06:46,590 --> 00:06:51,470 We’ve already talked about how you should disclose and divulge more about yourself in 112 00:06:51,470 --> 00:06:58,730 an effort to find more similarities, and now you can see another benefit of offering more. 113 00:06:58,730 --> 00:07:03,830 Not only that, mini-stories are an inside view to the way you think and feel. 114 00:07:03,830 --> 00:07:09,240 They give clues to your mindset, personality, and emotional leanings. 115 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:13,690 Learning about those aspects is the first step in allowing anyone to relate and feel 116 00:07:13,690 --> 00:07:19,740 connected to you, so it’s imperative that you learn how to take any question and expand 117 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,740 it to your advantage. 118 00:07:21,740 --> 00:07:26,520 It will also encourage them to reciprocate. 119 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:30,910 Mini-stories also underscore the importance of providing more details, as mentioned in 120 00:07:30,910 --> 00:07:36,039 an earlier chapter, and avoiding one-word answers. 121 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:40,819 Details offer a three-dimensional description of you and your life. 122 00:07:40,819 --> 00:07:45,600 That automatically makes people more interested and invested because they are already painting 123 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:50,980 a mental picture in their minds and visualizing everything. 124 00:07:50,980 --> 00:07:57,750 Details also give people more to connect to, think about, and attach themselves to. 125 00:07:57,750 --> 00:08:02,500 With more details, there is a substantially higher likelihood that people will find something 126 00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:10,250 funny, interesting, in common, poignant, curious, and worthy of comment in what you have to 127 00:08:10,250 --> 00:08:11,400 say. 128 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:15,840 Detail and specificity put people into a particular place and time. 129 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:21,729 This allows them to imagine exactly what’s happening and start caring about it. 130 00:08:21,729 --> 00:08:25,120 Think about why it’s so easy to get sucked into a movie. 131 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:31,270 We experience enormous sensory stimulation and almost can’t escape all of the visual 132 00:08:31,270 --> 00:08:36,590 and auditory detail, which is designed to make us invested. 133 00:08:36,590 --> 00:08:43,300 Detailed stories and conversations are inviting others to share a mental movie with you. 134 00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:47,250 Beyond giving flavor to your conversation and storytelling, and giving the other person 135 00:08:47,250 --> 00:08:53,750 something to ask about, details are important because they elicit emotional engagement. 136 00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:58,910 Details remind people of their own lives and memories and make them feel more drawn to 137 00:08:58,910 --> 00:09:01,750 whatever is presenting them. 138 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:07,260 Details can compel others to laugh, feel mad, feel sad, or feel surprise. 139 00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:10,940 They can control moods and emotions. 140 00:09:10,940 --> 00:09:15,710 If you include details about specific songs that played during your high school dances, 141 00:09:15,710 --> 00:09:21,440 it’s likely that someone will have memories attached to those songs and become more emotionally 142 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,720 interested in your story. 143 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:28,670 Share details about all the figurative nooks and crannies, because that’s what makes 144 00:09:28,670 --> 00:09:34,470 you interesting on an emotional level. 145 00:09:34,470 --> 00:09:38,660 The 1 -1 -1 Method 146 00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:42,769 On the theme of simplifying storytelling, we’ve been talking about how we can use 147 00:09:42,769 --> 00:09:45,410 a mini-story in many ways. 148 00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:50,589 You may be wondering what the difference is between a mini story and a full-fledged story. 149 00:09:50,589 --> 00:09:53,850 For our purposes, not much. 150 00:09:53,850 --> 00:09:58,410 It seems that many people like to complicate storytelling as if they were composing an 151 00:09:58,410 --> 00:10:00,750 impromptu Greek tragedy. 152 00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:05,820 Does there have to be an introduction, middle, struggle, then resolution? 153 00:10:05,820 --> 00:10:10,350 Does there need to be a hero, a conflict, and an emotional journey? 154 00:10:10,350 --> 00:10:12,300 Not necessarily. 155 00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:16,959 Those are specific ways of storytelling if you are Francis Ford Coppola (director of 156 00:10:16,959 --> 00:10:21,350 the Godfather series) or a standup comedian used to keeping crowds engaged. 157 00:10:21,350 --> 00:10:28,400 But certainly these aren’t the easiest or most practical ways to think about storytelling. 158 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:34,110 My method of storytelling in conversation is to prioritize the discussion afterward. 159 00:10:34,110 --> 00:10:40,440 This means that the story itself doesn’t need to be that in-depth or long. 160 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:46,420 It can and should contain specific details that people can relate to and latch on to, 161 00:10:46,420 --> 00:10:49,380 but it doesn’t need to have parts or stages. 162 00:10:49,380 --> 00:10:51,889 A full story can be mini by nature. 163 00:10:51,889 --> 00:10:56,550 That’s why it’s called the 1 -1 -1 method. 164 00:10:56,550 --> 00:11:04,400 This method stands for a story that (1) has one action, (2) can be summed up in one sentence, 165 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:09,870 and (3) evokes one primary emotion in the listener. 166 00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:12,260 You can see why they’re short and snappy. 167 00:11:12,260 --> 00:11:16,779 They also tend to ensure that you know your point before starting and have a very low 168 00:11:16,779 --> 00:11:22,410 chance of verbally wandering for minutes and alienating your listeners. 169 00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:28,639 This is the lowest input to the highest output ratio you can have for a story. 170 00:11:28,639 --> 00:11:33,420 For a story to consist of one action means only one thing is happening. 171 00:11:33,420 --> 00:11:37,290 The story is about one occurrence, one event. 172 00:11:37,290 --> 00:11:39,980 It should be direct and straightforward. 173 00:11:39,980 --> 00:11:44,630 Anything else just confuses the point and makes you liable to ramble. 174 00:11:44,630 --> 00:11:50,060 Details are important to share, but probably not at the outset because the story’s impact 175 00:11:50,060 --> 00:11:53,250 will be lost or blunted. 176 00:11:53,250 --> 00:11:57,670 A story should be able to be summed up in one sentence because, otherwise, you are trying 177 00:11:57,670 --> 00:11:59,579 to convey too much. 178 00:11:59,579 --> 00:12:02,950 It keeps you focused and straight to the point. 179 00:12:02,950 --> 00:12:06,970 This step actually takes practice, because you are forced to think about which aspects 180 00:12:06,970 --> 00:12:11,030 of the story matter and which don’t add anything to your action. 181 00:12:11,030 --> 00:12:17,290 It’s a skill to be able to distill your thoughts into one sentence and still be thorough—often, 182 00:12:17,290 --> 00:12:21,940 you won’t realize what you want to say unless you can do this. 183 00:12:21,940 --> 00:12:28,800 Finally, a story should focus on one primary emotion to be evoked in the listener. 184 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,700 And you should be able to name it! 185 00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:36,579 Keep in mind that evoking an emotion ensures that your story actually has a point, and 186 00:12:36,579 --> 00:12:42,230 it will color what details you carefully choose to emphasize that emotion. 187 00:12:42,230 --> 00:12:46,910 For our purposes here, there really aren’t that many emotions you might want to draw 188 00:12:46,910 --> 00:12:49,149 out in others from a story. 189 00:12:49,149 --> 00:12:55,720 You might have humor, shock, awe, envy, happiness, anger, or annoyance. 190 00:12:55,720 --> 00:13:00,880 Those are the majority of reasons we relate our experiences to others. 191 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:06,910 Keep in mind that this is just my method for conveying my experiences to others. 192 00:13:06,910 --> 00:13:12,710 My logic is that whether people hear two sentences about a dog attack or they hear ten sentences 193 00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:16,130 doesn’t change the impact of the story. 194 00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:20,850 Telling a story about your friend going to jail—well, he’s still in jail at the end 195 00:13:20,850 --> 00:13:23,089 of two or ten sentences. 196 00:13:23,089 --> 00:13:28,850 Likewise, if you tell a story about how you adopted a dog, the dog will still be lounging 197 00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:34,460 on your bed if you take ten seconds or two minutes to tell the story. 198 00:13:34,460 --> 00:13:40,410 After you provide the premise, the conversation can move forward as a dialogue, your conversation 199 00:13:40,410 --> 00:13:45,070 partner can participate more fully, and we can then focus on the listener’s impact 200 00:13:45,070 --> 00:13:46,850 and reaction. 201 00:13:46,850 --> 00:13:52,550 Then you can let the inevitable questions flow, and you can slowly divulge the details 202 00:13:52,550 --> 00:13:57,320 after the context is set, and the initial impact is felt. 203 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:01,750 So what does this so-called story sound like? 204 00:14:01,750 --> 00:14:06,720 “I was attacked by a dog and I was so frightened I nearly wet my pants." 205 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:12,019 It’s one sentence, there is one action, and the bit about wetting the pants is to 206 00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:17,320 emphasize the fact that the emotion you want to convey is fear and shock. 207 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:22,450 You could include more detail about the dog and the circumstances, but chances are people 208 00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:28,190 are going to ask about that immediately, so let them guide what they want to hear about 209 00:14:28,190 --> 00:14:29,190 your story. 210 00:14:29,190 --> 00:14:34,019 It doesn’t hurt to directly name the emotion that you were experiencing. 211 00:14:34,019 --> 00:14:36,339 Invite them to participate! 212 00:14:36,339 --> 00:14:41,339 Very few people want to sit and listen to a monologue, most of which is told poorly 213 00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:43,480 and in a scattered manner. 214 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:48,960 Therefore, keep the essentials but cut your story short, and let the conversation continue 215 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:53,880 as a shared experience rather than you monopolizing the airspace. 216 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,480 Here are another couple of easy examples - 217 00:14:56,480 --> 00:15:04,639 “Last week, I had a job interview that went so poorly I had the interviewer laugh at me 218 00:15:04,639 --> 00:15:09,019 while I was leaving the office, it was so embarrassing." 219 00:15:09,019 --> 00:15:12,190 One action, one emotion, in one sentence. 220 00:15:12,190 --> 00:15:19,199 “When I first met Joshua, I spilled a bowl of baked beans all over his white pants and 221 00:15:19,199 --> 00:15:23,769 I think the entire room was watching while this happened.” 222 00:15:23,769 --> 00:15:31,529 The 1 -1 -1 method can be summed up as starting a story as close to the end as possible. 223 00:15:31,529 --> 00:15:36,101 Most stories end before they get to the end, in terms of impact on the listener, their 224 00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:39,810 attention span, and the energy that you have to tell it. 225 00:15:39,810 --> 00:15:45,069 In other words, many stories tend to drone on because people try to adhere to complex 226 00:15:45,069 --> 00:15:51,440 rules or because they simply lose the plot and are trying to find it again through talking. 227 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:55,550 Above all else, a long preamble is not necessary. 228 00:15:55,550 --> 00:16:02,970 What’s important is that people pay attention, care, and will react in some (preferably) 229 00:16:02,970 --> 00:16:04,470 emotional manner. 230 00:16:04,470 --> 00:16:08,730 The Story Spine 231 00:16:08,730 --> 00:16:15,190 Think of the story spine as an upgraded and expanded version of the 1 -1 -1 method. 232 00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:20,000 It gives you the beats of a great story in a simple formula. 233 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:25,490 This technique can be credited to Kevin Adams, author and the artistic director of Synergy 234 00:16:25,490 --> 00:16:26,490 Theater. 235 00:16:26,490 --> 00:16:31,290 He teaches how the “story spine” can be used to outline a great story. 236 00:16:31,290 --> 00:16:35,940 This method is perfect for novelists and film makers, but you can also use it whenever you 237 00:16:35,940 --> 00:16:40,180 want to entertain friends with a tale that will have them riveted. 238 00:16:40,180 --> 00:16:46,480 Likewise, it can tell you why certain stories completely fall flat, since it shows you what 239 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,079 crucial elements may be missing. 240 00:16:49,079 --> 00:16:54,720 It can be done quickly and, with practice, may start feeling automatic. 241 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:59,899 The story spine has eight elements; here’s how they go - 242 00:16:59,899 --> 00:17:01,709 Once upon a time… 243 00:17:01,709 --> 00:17:03,069 The start of the story. 244 00:17:03,069 --> 00:17:08,850 Here, you must set the context and lay out the world you’re talking about and the characters 245 00:17:08,850 --> 00:17:10,309 you’ll be focusing on. 246 00:17:10,309 --> 00:17:14,720 You establish their routine, normal reality. 247 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:19,570 If you skip this part your story may seem inconsequential, or people won’t be able 248 00:17:19,570 --> 00:17:23,610 to make sense of the events that follow and why they matter. 249 00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:26,420 Every day… 250 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:29,270 More establishing of the normal and routine. 251 00:17:29,270 --> 00:17:35,180 Often, a character is growing bored, sad or curious, and this drives the next stages of 252 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:36,710 the story. 253 00:17:36,710 --> 00:17:41,180 This step builds tension, and is the place you give your characters a personality and 254 00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:43,809 a motive for what happens next. 255 00:17:43,809 --> 00:17:46,330 But one day… 256 00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:49,590 And here comes the big event that changes everything! 257 00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:53,760 One day, something different happens that completely turns your character’s world 258 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:54,880 around. 259 00:17:54,880 --> 00:18:00,950 A stranger comes to town or a mysterious clue shows up. 260 00:18:00,950 --> 00:18:02,890 Because of that… 261 00:18:02,890 --> 00:18:04,590 There are consequences. 262 00:18:04,590 --> 00:18:10,510 The main character acts in response, and this sets into motion the main body of the story, 263 00:18:10,510 --> 00:18:13,230 the “what happened” part. 264 00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:18,150 Many poor storytellers will simply leap in and begin here, failing to build tension or 265 00:18:18,150 --> 00:18:24,930 set any context, and then discover that their audience isn’t as invested in the outcome. 266 00:18:24,930 --> 00:18:30,840 Like good conversation skills, good storytelling skills require pacing and gradual building 267 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:32,450 of tension. 268 00:18:32,450 --> 00:18:35,520 Because of that… 269 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:40,200 Things get more interesting or frightening, the stakes are raised, the plot thickens, 270 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:46,740 other characters enter and a whole world of complications/comedy/drama opens up as the 271 00:18:46,740 --> 00:18:49,630 story plays out. 272 00:18:49,630 --> 00:18:51,820 Because of that… 273 00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:56,789 Good stories appeal to our love for the number three in our narratives. 274 00:18:56,789 --> 00:19:02,610 That’s why we have Goldilocks and the three bears, and why the hero typically faces three 275 00:19:02,610 --> 00:19:05,640 challenges before finally making it. 276 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:10,850 Take the time to really explore the three dilemmas the character faces, and you make 277 00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:14,850 the resolution that much sweeter. 278 00:19:14,850 --> 00:19:16,270 Until finally… 279 00:19:16,270 --> 00:19:19,000 Does the guy get the girl? 280 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,640 Was the world saved or did the detective find out who did it? 281 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,150 Here’s where you reveal all. 282 00:19:25,150 --> 00:19:29,320 The conflict is resolved, and the story is wrapped up. 283 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,380 And ever since then… 284 00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:36,070 You close the story as you began it—with some context. 285 00:19:36,070 --> 00:19:41,270 You outline here what the new normal is, given the character’s success or failure at the 286 00:19:41,270 --> 00:19:43,159 previous step. 287 00:19:43,159 --> 00:19:47,880 You could consider a moral of the story here, or a little joke or punchline. 288 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:54,510 In conversation, this tells people you’re done with your story and signals them to respond. 289 00:19:54,510 --> 00:20:01,250 What’s important to remember about a story spine is that it’s just that—a spine. 290 00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:06,140 You still need to add considerable flesh to the outline to make it compelling. 291 00:20:06,140 --> 00:20:11,169 The story spine merely makes sure you’re hitting the right notes in the right order, 292 00:20:11,169 --> 00:20:14,830 and gives you a satisfying structure to follow. 293 00:20:14,830 --> 00:20:20,320 Not every story will follow it exactly (it’s only a rough outline, after all) but if yours 294 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:24,420 do, there’s a good chance they’ll be better received than narratives that are a bit more 295 00:20:24,420 --> 00:20:27,059 experimental. 296 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:32,710 As an example, consider the popular theme song for the ’80s TV show The Fresh Prince 297 00:20:32,710 --> 00:20:34,520 of Bel-Air. 298 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:40,360 This shows that even in a quick story, it’s important to have the essential building blocks. 299 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:42,799 The song starts - 300 00:20:42,799 --> 00:20:44,970 In west Philadelphia born and raised 301 00:20:44,970 --> 00:20:47,780 On the playground is where I spent most of my days 302 00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:50,700 Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool 303 00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:55,500 And all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school 304 00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:59,090 This covers “once upon a time” and “every day." 305 00:20:59,090 --> 00:21:00,679 Context established. 306 00:21:00,679 --> 00:21:03,289 When a couple of guys who were up to no good 307 00:21:03,289 --> 00:21:05,710 Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood 308 00:21:05,710 --> 00:21:08,289 I got in one little fight and my mom scared 309 00:21:08,289 --> 00:21:11,090 And said you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air 310 00:21:11,090 --> 00:21:16,090 Here’s the “but one day” part that changes everything. 311 00:21:16,090 --> 00:21:19,030 I begged and pleaded with her day after day 312 00:21:19,030 --> 00:21:23,380 But she packed my suitcase and sent me on my way… etc. 313 00:21:23,380 --> 00:21:28,610 The middle portion of the song covers him begging with his mom not to go, getting on 314 00:21:28,610 --> 00:21:34,090 a plane to Bel-Air and then taking a cab, while slowly grasping the whole new world 315 00:21:34,090 --> 00:21:36,330 he’s just walked into. 316 00:21:36,330 --> 00:21:41,420 This is the middle of the story, the three “and because of that” portions. 317 00:21:41,420 --> 00:21:43,360 The final verse goes - 318 00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,840 I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 319 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:49,049 And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell ya later 320 00:21:49,049 --> 00:21:51,080 Looked at my kingdom I was finally there 321 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,860 To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air 322 00:21:53,860 --> 00:22:00,590 “And finally” and “since then” are rolled into one here, and the new normal is 323 00:22:00,590 --> 00:22:05,159 established, with the main character happily set up in his new life. 324 00:22:05,159 --> 00:22:11,990 Granted, there isn’t too much conflict or tension here, but the structure is sound. 325 00:22:11,990 --> 00:22:17,980 Consider someone using the story spine in a more everyday context - a dispute at work. 326 00:22:17,980 --> 00:22:22,420 Someone is trying to explain what’s happened clearly to an external mediator. 327 00:22:22,420 --> 00:22:23,420 Their story sounds like this - 328 00:22:23,420 --> 00:22:30,400 “Melissa and Jake both work in the IT department, they run things together with Barbara, who’s 329 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,020 now on maternity leave. 330 00:22:32,020 --> 00:22:36,150 Melissa’s been with the company for more than ten years, and Jake is new, so Melissa 331 00:22:36,150 --> 00:22:40,600 has been informally training him to cover Barbara’s work for the next six months, 332 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:46,419 possibly longer term (there are rumors Jake will get Barbara’s job if she leaves). 333 00:22:46,419 --> 00:22:49,780 They’ve been working on a big project together for the last month. 334 00:22:49,780 --> 00:22:55,690 “Unknown to us, Melissa and Jake had a brief relationship months back that ended badly. 335 00:22:55,690 --> 00:22:59,570 “Because of that there’s been some tension in the office. 336 00:22:59,570 --> 00:23:04,100 There was a crucial mistake on the big project and Melissa was held accountable. 337 00:23:04,100 --> 00:23:09,409 But she’s since revealed to us that it was in fact Jake’s fault, and she had covered 338 00:23:09,409 --> 00:23:12,390 for him while they were still in a relationship. 339 00:23:12,390 --> 00:23:17,779 Because of this, Jake is claiming that Melissa is only blaming him now because they are no 340 00:23:17,779 --> 00:23:21,760 longer in a relationship, which he believes is unfair. 341 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:27,650 “Eventually, Barbara contacted the office to let them know she wasn’t returning, a 342 00:23:27,650 --> 00:23:31,039 condition Mark assumed would solidify his role in the office. 343 00:23:31,039 --> 00:23:39,360 But now there’s a big conflict as both Melissa and Jake can barely stand to work together.” 344 00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:44,820 In this story, the mediator is hearing the final stages, but the “and ever since” 345 00:23:44,820 --> 00:23:46,970 part is yet to be decided. 346 00:23:46,970 --> 00:23:52,730 Can you see the steps, and how leaving any of them out or mixing them up might have made 347 00:23:52,730 --> 00:23:55,080 for a more confusing story? 348 00:23:55,080 --> 00:24:02,029 Consider the box office hit Avatar, and how it follows the story spine - 349 00:24:02,029 --> 00:24:07,730 Once upon a time there was a paraplegic Marine called Jake Sully with a traumatic past, who 350 00:24:07,730 --> 00:24:10,750 was just getting by in life. 351 00:24:10,750 --> 00:24:16,000 Every day he mourned the tragic death of his brilliant and talented brother. 352 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:22,669 But one day, he gets the opportunity to join a mission to distant moon Pandora. 353 00:24:22,669 --> 00:24:27,500 Because of that, he is promised surgery that will allow him to walk again in exchange for 354 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:32,779 gathering info on the species that lives on the planet, the Na’Vi. 355 00:24:32,779 --> 00:24:37,669 Because of that, he spends more time with them, eventually developing a real love for 356 00:24:37,669 --> 00:24:41,690 their world as well as for the beautiful Neytiri. 357 00:24:41,690 --> 00:24:46,350 Because of that love, he is unable to take part in the (soon-to-be-discovered) exploitative 358 00:24:46,350 --> 00:24:52,309 nature of the expedition, until finally, a full-blown war breaks out between humans and 359 00:24:52,309 --> 00:24:53,490 the Na’Vi. 360 00:24:53,490 --> 00:24:57,380 Finally, the battle is won, and Pandora is saved. 361 00:24:57,380 --> 00:25:02,630 And ever since then, Jake has lived in peace on Pandora. 362 00:25:02,630 --> 00:25:08,770 Naturally, there are many details and elements missing here, but the spine is intact and 363 00:25:08,770 --> 00:25:14,620 is partly responsible for a story that is engaging and plays out in a way the audience 364 00:25:14,620 --> 00:25:15,620 expects. 365 00:25:15,620 --> 00:25:22,750 The story spine applies to any kind of story or narrative, written, spoken or cinematic, 366 00:25:22,750 --> 00:25:24,080 big or small. 367 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:32,929 The fundamentals, once in place, can be reworked in literally endless ways. 368 00:25:32,929 --> 00:25:35,149 Inside Stories 369 00:25:35,149 --> 00:25:38,140 In any conversation, there is a high point. 370 00:25:38,140 --> 00:25:44,480 There might be multiple memorable points, but by definition, one part is the best and 371 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:45,480 highest. 372 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,510 This can take many different forms. 373 00:25:47,510 --> 00:25:49,090 You can share a big laugh. 374 00:25:49,090 --> 00:25:51,720 You can both get emotional and cry. 375 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:55,419 You share a strong perspective on an issue that no one else does. 376 00:25:55,419 --> 00:26:00,070 You witness something either horrifying or hilarious together. 377 00:26:00,070 --> 00:26:03,200 You both struggle not to laugh when you observe something. 378 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,539 You finish each other’s sentences. 379 00:26:05,539 --> 00:26:10,210 Most of the time, if you do it correctly, your stories become high points because of 380 00:26:10,210 --> 00:26:15,310 the emotional impact and pure intrigue you can use them to create. 381 00:26:15,310 --> 00:26:19,789 This makes it easy because you are planting the seed of connection for you to harvest 382 00:26:19,789 --> 00:26:20,850 later. 383 00:26:20,850 --> 00:26:26,660 Coincidentally, calling back to this high point later is what a deconstructed inside 384 00:26:26,660 --> 00:26:28,390 joke looks like. 385 00:26:28,390 --> 00:26:34,360 Therefore, to easily create an inside joke, all you have to do is refer to the high point 386 00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:36,549 later in the conversation. 387 00:26:36,549 --> 00:26:39,640 Take note of it and put it in your pocket for use in the near future. 388 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:44,419 Don’t let it go sour like month-old milk that you’re afraid to throw away because 389 00:26:44,419 --> 00:26:46,240 of the smell. 390 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:51,669 Assuming that you told a good story or elicited a good story earlier in the conversation, 391 00:26:51,669 --> 00:26:56,200 all you need to do is refer to it in the context of your current topic. 392 00:26:56,200 --> 00:27:02,710 For example, you told a story about your favorite kind of dog earlier in the conversation. 393 00:27:02,710 --> 00:27:08,080 There was a high point about comparing yourself to a wiener dog because your shape makes it 394 00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:10,149 unavoidable. 395 00:27:10,149 --> 00:27:14,429 Now your current topic of conversation is fashion, personal style and different types 396 00:27:14,429 --> 00:27:16,190 of jackets. 397 00:27:16,190 --> 00:27:20,510 How do you call back to the wiener dog high point by referring to it in the context of 398 00:27:20,510 --> 00:27:21,510 jackets? 399 00:27:21,510 --> 00:27:27,230 “Yeah, unfortunately, I can’t wear that type of jacket because I’m mostly similar 400 00:27:27,230 --> 00:27:30,400 to the wiener dog, remember?” 401 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:35,340 Bring up the first topic, hopefully the topic of your story, and then use it in the current 402 00:27:35,340 --> 00:27:36,779 subject. 403 00:27:36,779 --> 00:27:42,539 You are repeating the old topic in a new context, and this tends to be better received, even 404 00:27:42,539 --> 00:27:45,090 if it wasn’t funny the first time. 405 00:27:45,090 --> 00:27:49,100 And the best part is that you can keep doing this with the same thing to create an even 406 00:27:49,100 --> 00:27:54,260 stronger unique bond (inside joke!). 407 00:27:54,260 --> 00:27:59,179 Listen for something funny or notable that you would classify as a conversational high 408 00:27:59,179 --> 00:28:00,179 point. 409 00:28:00,179 --> 00:28:01,340 Keep it in your pocket. 410 00:28:01,340 --> 00:28:06,950 Wait like a cheetah in the tall grass of the savannah to see a different context or topic 411 00:28:06,950 --> 00:28:08,590 you can repeat it in. 412 00:28:08,590 --> 00:28:11,250 And then unleash it. 413 00:28:11,250 --> 00:28:14,330 Here’s another example. 414 00:28:14,330 --> 00:28:19,710 Prior conversational high point - a story about hating parking lots. 415 00:28:19,710 --> 00:28:22,540 Current topic of conversation - the weather. 416 00:28:22,540 --> 00:28:28,580 Callback - Yeah, the rain will definitely be welcome when we can’t find parking spots 417 00:28:28,580 --> 00:28:32,049 within ten blocks of our apartment. 418 00:28:32,049 --> 00:28:34,190 And here’s one more - 419 00:28:34,190 --> 00:28:39,440 Prior conversational high point - a story about loving donuts. 420 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:43,649 Current topic of conversation - hating work. 421 00:28:43,649 --> 00:28:49,280 Callback - Well what if your office provided free donuts? 422 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:53,669 How many would you need to change your opinion of work? 423 00:28:53,669 --> 00:28:58,929 In the same way an orchestra conductor can hit the same high musical motif through different 424 00:28:58,929 --> 00:29:04,309 arrangements and songs, you can keep referring to this conversation high point. 425 00:29:04,309 --> 00:29:11,510 Voila, you’ve just created an inside joke from thin air. 426 00:29:11,510 --> 00:29:14,419 Ask for Stories 427 00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:20,070 Most of the focus with stories is usually on telling them—but what about soliciting 428 00:29:20,070 --> 00:29:26,030 them from others and allowing them to feel as good as you do when a story lands well? 429 00:29:26,030 --> 00:29:31,309 What about stepping aside and giving other people the spotlight (an underrated skill 430 00:29:31,309 --> 00:29:33,600 in conversation and life in general)? 431 00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:38,929 Well, it’s just a matter of how you ask for other’s stories. 432 00:29:38,929 --> 00:29:45,159 There are ways to make people gab for hours, and approaches where people will feel compelled 433 00:29:45,159 --> 00:29:48,049 to give a terse one-word answer. 434 00:29:48,049 --> 00:29:53,460 For instance, when you watch sports, one of the most illogical parts is the post-game 435 00:29:53,460 --> 00:29:55,059 or post-match interview. 436 00:29:55,059 --> 00:30:00,179 These athletes are still caught in the throes of adrenaline, out of breath, and occasionally 437 00:30:00,179 --> 00:30:02,340 drip sweat onto the reporters. 438 00:30:02,340 --> 00:30:07,300 It’s not a situation conducive to good stories, or even answers. 439 00:30:07,300 --> 00:30:13,040 Yet when you are watching a broadcaster interview an athlete, does anything odd strike you about 440 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,390 the questions they ask? 441 00:30:15,390 --> 00:30:20,630 The interviewers are put into an impossible situation and usually walk away with decent 442 00:30:20,630 --> 00:30:25,080 soundbites—at the very least, not audio disasters. 443 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:30,769 Their duty is to elicit a coherent answer from someone who is mentally incoherent at 444 00:30:30,769 --> 00:30:32,140 the moment. 445 00:30:32,140 --> 00:30:33,419 How do they do that? 446 00:30:33,419 --> 00:30:39,840 They’ll ask questions like “So tell me about that moment in the second quarter. 447 00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:44,100 What did you feel about it and how did the coach turn it around then?” 448 00:30:44,100 --> 00:30:49,320 as opposed to “How’d you guys win?” or “How did you turn this match around, 449 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:53,360 come back, and pull out all the stops to grab the victory at the very end?” 450 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:56,250 as opposed to “How was the comeback?” 451 00:30:56,250 --> 00:30:58,549 The key? 452 00:30:58,549 --> 00:31:02,000 They ask for a story rather than an answer. 453 00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:08,260 They phrase their inquiry in a way that can only be answered with a story, in fact. 454 00:31:08,260 --> 00:31:14,010 Reporters provide the athletes with detail, context, and boundaries to set them up to 455 00:31:14,010 --> 00:31:18,929 talk as much as possible instead of providing a breathless one-word answer. 456 00:31:18,929 --> 00:31:23,850 It’s almost as if they provide the athletes with an outline of what they want to hear 457 00:31:23,850 --> 00:31:25,289 and how they can proceed. 458 00:31:25,289 --> 00:31:29,389 They make it easy for them to tell a story and simply engage. 459 00:31:29,389 --> 00:31:35,100 It’s like if someone asks you a question but, in the question, tells you exactly what 460 00:31:35,100 --> 00:31:38,730 they want to hear as hints. 461 00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:43,360 Sometimes we think we are doing the heavy lifting in a conversation and the other party 462 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:45,889 isn’t giving us much to work with. 463 00:31:45,889 --> 00:31:51,039 But that’s an excuse that obscures the fact we aren’t making it easy for them. 464 00:31:51,039 --> 00:31:56,260 They might not be giving you much, but you also might be asking them the wrong questions, 465 00:31:56,260 --> 00:31:59,760 which is leading them to provide terrible responses. 466 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:04,760 In fact, if you think you are shouldering the burden, you are definitely asking the 467 00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,769 wrong questions. 468 00:32:07,769 --> 00:32:12,590 Conversation can be much more pleasant for everyone involved if you provide fertile ground 469 00:32:12,590 --> 00:32:13,940 for people to work in. 470 00:32:13,940 --> 00:32:18,549 Don’t set the other person up to fail and be a poor conversationalist; that will only 471 00:32:18,549 --> 00:32:25,040 make you invest and care less and cause the conversation to die out. 472 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:30,519 When people ask me low-effort, vague questions, I know they probably aren’t interested in 473 00:32:30,519 --> 00:32:31,519 the answer. 474 00:32:31,519 --> 00:32:34,590 They’re just filling the time and silence. 475 00:32:34,590 --> 00:32:40,139 To create win-win conversations and better circumstances for all, ask for stories the 476 00:32:40,139 --> 00:32:42,750 way the sports broadcasters do. 477 00:32:42,750 --> 00:32:48,570 Ask questions in a way that makes people want to share. 478 00:32:48,570 --> 00:32:52,320 Stories are personal, emotional, and compelling. 479 00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:56,680 There is a thought process and narrative that necessarily exists. 480 00:32:56,680 --> 00:33:02,029 They are what show your personality and are how you can learn about someone. 481 00:33:02,029 --> 00:33:05,470 They reveal people’s emotions and how they think. 482 00:33:05,470 --> 00:33:09,549 Last but not least, they show what you care about. 483 00:33:09,549 --> 00:33:14,830 Compare this with simply asking for closed-ended answers. 484 00:33:14,830 --> 00:33:18,440 These answers are often too boring and routine for people to care. 485 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:23,000 They will still respond to your questions but in a very literal way, and the level of 486 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:25,190 engagement won’t be there. 487 00:33:25,190 --> 00:33:30,929 Peppering people with shallow questions puts them in a position to fail conversationally. 488 00:33:30,929 --> 00:33:35,940 It’s the difference between asking “What was the best part of your day so far? 489 00:33:35,940 --> 00:33:39,570 Tell me how you got that parking space so close!” 490 00:33:39,570 --> 00:33:43,190 instead of just “How are you?” 491 00:33:43,190 --> 00:33:48,510 When you ask somebody the second question, you’re looking for a quick, uninvolved answer. 492 00:33:48,510 --> 00:33:53,250 You’re being lazy and either don’t care about their answer or want them to carry the 493 00:33:53,250 --> 00:33:55,440 conversational burden. 494 00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:59,950 When you ask somebody one of the first two questions, you’re inviting them to tell 495 00:33:59,950 --> 00:34:02,200 a specific story about their day. 496 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:08,179 You are encouraging them to narrate the series of events that made their day great or not. 497 00:34:08,179 --> 00:34:13,639 And your query can’t really be covered with a one-word answer. 498 00:34:13,639 --> 00:34:18,409 Another example is “What is the most exciting part of your job? 499 00:34:18,409 --> 00:34:21,070 How does it feel to make a difference like that?” 500 00:34:21,070 --> 00:34:25,280 instead of simply asking them the generic “What do you do?" 501 00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:29,610 When you only ask somebody what they do for a living, you know exactly how the rest of 502 00:34:29,610 --> 00:34:33,520 the conversation will go - “Oh, I do X. 503 00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:35,909 What about you?” 504 00:34:35,909 --> 00:34:39,839 A final example is “How did you feel about your weekend? 505 00:34:39,839 --> 00:34:41,129 What was the best part? 506 00:34:41,129 --> 00:34:46,929 It was so nice outside,” instead of just “How was your weekend?” 507 00:34:46,929 --> 00:34:51,349 Prompting others for stories instead of simple answers gives them a chance to speak in such 508 00:34:51,349 --> 00:34:55,200 a way that they feel emotionally invested. 509 00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:58,990 This increases the sense of meaning they derive from the conversation. 510 00:34:58,990 --> 00:35:03,810 It also makes them feel you are genuinely interested in hearing their answer because 511 00:35:03,810 --> 00:35:06,630 your question doesn’t sound generic. 512 00:35:06,630 --> 00:35:10,220 Consider the following guidelines when asking a question - 513 00:35:10,220 --> 00:35:12,920 1. 514 00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:13,920 Ask for a story 515 00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:15,829 2. 516 00:35:15,829 --> 00:35:18,900 Be broad but with specific directions or prompts 517 00:35:18,900 --> 00:35:21,530 3. 518 00:35:21,530 --> 00:35:23,210 Ask about feelings and emotions 519 00:35:23,210 --> 00:35:24,560 4. 520 00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:31,720 Give the other person a direction to expand their answer into, and give them multiple 521 00:35:31,720 --> 00:35:33,710 prompts, hints, and possibilities 522 00:35:33,710 --> 00:35:36,619 5. 523 00:35:36,619 --> 00:35:42,940 If all else fails, directly ask “Tell me the story about…” 524 00:35:42,940 --> 00:35:47,030 Imagine that you want the other person to inform your curiosity. 525 00:35:47,030 --> 00:35:48,520 Other examples include the following - 526 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:50,040 1. 527 00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:55,890 “Tell me about the time you…” versus “How was that?” 528 00:35:55,890 --> 00:35:56,940 2. 529 00:35:56,940 --> 00:36:01,690 “Did you like that…” versus “How was it?” 530 00:36:01,690 --> 00:36:02,760 3. 531 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:05,940 “You look focused. 532 00:36:05,940 --> 00:36:07,329 What happened in your morning…” 533 00:36:07,329 --> 00:36:09,960 versus “How are you?” 534 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:15,930 Let’s think about what happens when you elicit (and provide) personal stories instead 535 00:36:15,930 --> 00:36:19,430 of the old, tired automatic replies. 536 00:36:19,430 --> 00:36:24,790 You say hello to your coworker on Monday morning and you ask how his weekend was. 537 00:36:24,790 --> 00:36:29,810 At this point, you have cataloged what you will say in case he asks you the same. 538 00:36:29,810 --> 00:36:36,160 Remember, the person probably doesn’t care about the actual answer (“good” or “okay”), 539 00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:38,849 but they would like to hear something interesting. 540 00:36:38,849 --> 00:36:43,380 But you never get the chance, because you ask him “How was your weekend? 541 00:36:43,380 --> 00:36:48,270 Tell me about the most interesting part—I know you didn’t just watch a movie at home!” 542 00:36:48,270 --> 00:36:55,390 He opens up and begins to tell you about his Saturday night when he separately and involuntarily 543 00:36:55,390 --> 00:37:00,100 visited a strip joint, a funeral, and a child’s birthday party. 544 00:37:00,100 --> 00:37:05,260 That’s a conversation that can take off and get interesting, and you’ve successfully 545 00:37:05,260 --> 00:37:12,150 bypassed the unnecessary and boring small talk that plagues so many of us. 546 00:37:12,150 --> 00:37:15,250 Most people love talking about themselves. 547 00:37:15,250 --> 00:37:17,810 Use this fact to your advantage. 548 00:37:17,810 --> 00:37:23,190 Once someone takes your cue and starts sharing a story, make sure you are aware of how you’re 549 00:37:23,190 --> 00:37:28,030 responding to that person through your facial expressions, gestures, body language, and 550 00:37:28,030 --> 00:37:30,339 other nonverbal signals. 551 00:37:30,339 --> 00:37:36,010 Since there is always at least one exciting thing in any story, focus on that high point 552 00:37:36,010 --> 00:37:40,119 and don’t be afraid to show that you’re engaged. 553 00:37:40,119 --> 00:37:44,610 One quick tip to show that you’re involved and even willing to add to the conversation 554 00:37:44,610 --> 00:37:48,119 is something I call pinning the tail on the donkey. 555 00:37:48,119 --> 00:37:52,150 There is probably a better name for it, but it will suffice for the time being. 556 00:37:52,150 --> 00:37:57,541 The donkey is the story from someone else, while the tail is your addition to it. 557 00:37:57,541 --> 00:38:03,320 It allows you to feel like you’re contributing, it makes other people know you’re listening, 558 00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:06,900 and it turns into something you’ve created together. 559 00:38:06,900 --> 00:38:12,329 In essence, you are taking the impact that someone wants to convey, and you are amplifying 560 00:38:12,329 --> 00:38:13,329 it. 561 00:38:13,329 --> 00:38:19,000 You are assisting them in their own storytelling—they want to extract a specific reaction from you, 562 00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:23,960 and you are going above and beyond with the tail. 563 00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:28,620 People will actually love you for it because, when you do this, your mindset becomes focused 564 00:38:28,620 --> 00:38:33,370 on assisting people’s stories and letting them have the floor. 565 00:38:33,370 --> 00:38:34,670 Here’s an example - 566 00:38:34,670 --> 00:38:42,300 Bob’s story - “I went to the bank and tripped and spilled all my cash, making it 567 00:38:42,300 --> 00:38:45,119 rain inadvertently.” 568 00:38:45,119 --> 00:38:50,550 Tail - “Did you think you were Scrooge McDuck for a second?” 569 00:38:50,550 --> 00:38:56,380 When you make a tail, try to hone in on the primary emotion the story was conveying, then 570 00:38:56,380 --> 00:38:59,310 add a comment that amplifies it. 571 00:38:59,310 --> 00:39:05,339 The story was about how Bob felt rich, and Scrooge McDuck is a duck who swims in pools 572 00:39:05,339 --> 00:39:11,619 of gold doubloons, so it adds to the story and doesn’t steal Bob’s thunder. 573 00:39:11,619 --> 00:39:17,970 Sabrina’s story - “After I ate lunch, I ran into the president of my company and 574 00:39:17,970 --> 00:39:23,339 he said he remembered me because of the great ideas I had at the last meeting!” 575 00:39:23,339 --> 00:39:27,140 Tail - “Just like you were winning a beauty pageant!” 576 00:39:27,140 --> 00:39:34,040 This story was about how Sabrina felt flattered and hopeful, and so the concept of a beauty 577 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:37,569 pageant amplifies these emotions. 578 00:39:37,569 --> 00:39:40,619 Get into the habit of assisting other people’s stories. 579 00:39:40,619 --> 00:39:48,060 It’s easy, witty, and extremely appealing because you are helping them out. 580 00:39:48,060 --> 00:39:49,060 Takeaways 581 00:39:49,060 --> 00:39:50,060 - 582 00:39:50,060 --> 00:39:55,450 •Captivating people usually refers to telling a story that leaves them listening like children 583 00:39:55,450 --> 00:39:57,920 (in a good way). 584 00:39:57,920 --> 00:40:02,460 Storytelling is a big topic that is often made overly complex, but there are many ways 585 00:40:02,460 --> 00:40:06,550 of creating this feeling in small, everyday ways. 586 00:40:06,550 --> 00:40:12,240 To captivate others is no easy feat, but the material and ability lies within all of us. 587 00:40:12,240 --> 00:40:16,720 We just have to know where it is and how to access it. 588 00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:23,590 •An easy way to imagine everyday storytelling is that your life is a series of stories—mini-stories, 589 00:40:23,590 --> 00:40:25,280 to be exact. 590 00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:30,710 Instead of giving one-word answers, get into the habit of framing your answers as a story 591 00:40:30,710 --> 00:40:32,099 with a point. 592 00:40:32,099 --> 00:40:38,290 It creates more engagement, lets you show your personality, and allows for smoother 593 00:40:38,290 --> 00:40:39,290 conversation. 594 00:40:39,290 --> 00:40:43,369 The bonus here is that you can prepare these before a conversation. 595 00:40:43,369 --> 00:40:50,329 •The 1 -1 -1 method of storytelling is to simplify it as much as possible. 596 00:40:50,329 --> 00:40:55,680 The impact of a story won’t necessarily be stronger if it is ten sentences versus 597 00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:56,710 two sentences. 598 00:40:56,710 --> 00:41:02,590 Therefore, the 1 -1 -1 - method focuses on the discussion and reaction that occurs after 599 00:41:02,590 --> 00:41:03,590 a story. 600 00:41:03,590 --> 00:41:11,961 A story can be composed solely of (1) one action, (2) one emotion to be evoked, and 601 00:41:11,961 --> 00:41:15,079 (3) a one-sentence summary. 602 00:41:15,079 --> 00:41:21,359 Don’t get lost rambling, and also make sure your listener feels that they are fully participating 603 00:41:21,359 --> 00:41:23,670 in the conversation. 604 00:41:23,670 --> 00:41:30,089 •The story spine is more or less the formula for every movie that exists. 605 00:41:30,089 --> 00:41:35,370 It’s a simple framework that you can use in your everyday stories and conversations, 606 00:41:35,370 --> 00:41:39,750 because it teaches you what emotional beats exist in a story. 607 00:41:39,750 --> 00:41:45,940 There is the status quo, the event that kicks things off, the set of consequences for changing 608 00:41:45,940 --> 00:41:52,480 the status quo, the climax or resolution, and then what happens after the fact. 609 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:57,010 •Stories can also be the basis for an inside joke. 610 00:41:57,010 --> 00:42:02,030 When you think about it, an inside joke is something that comes up multiple times with 611 00:42:02,030 --> 00:42:05,210 the same person and evokes a positive emotion. 612 00:42:05,210 --> 00:42:09,000 It’s the same topic brought up in a different context. 613 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:14,010 Thus, you just need to call back to a story through a conversation and there’s a good 614 00:42:14,010 --> 00:42:19,099 chance it will stick as a “Remember when we talked about…” moment. 615 00:42:19,099 --> 00:42:25,599 The more you use it, the more a unique bond is created between only the two of you. 616 00:42:25,599 --> 00:42:31,880 •Improving your storytelling ability is important, but what about eliciting stories 617 00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:33,599 from others? 618 00:42:33,599 --> 00:42:38,650 You can phrase your questions carefully to ask for stories rather than answers from people, 619 00:42:38,650 --> 00:42:44,619 which is a simple way to make conversation easier and more enjoyable for everyone involved. 620 00:42:44,619 --> 00:42:49,840 There are ways to make people open up to you and want to keep gabbing. 621 00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:54,230 Remember the lesson we learned with the 1 -1 -1 method in pinpointing the emotions that 622 00:42:54,230 --> 00:42:55,900 people are trying to evoke. 623 00:42:55,900 --> 00:43:21,819 To amplify this, you can pin the tail on the donkey and strategically add on to people’s 624 00:43:21,819 --> 00:43:23,690 stories.