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I got a message from a listener.

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We will call him Chuck and
just get right into it.

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He said, he says, back in May, so about
a year ago, "back in May, I got into

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my first ever serious relationship.
The relationship-" he's 17, by the way.

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The relationship was extremely stressful
for me and triggered intense anxiety

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due to my anxious attachment style.

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Something I wasn't even
aware I had at the time.

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The relationship lasted four months,
and I ultimately just ended it because

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I just couldn't handle it anymore."

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So first off, Chuck, there's a
few, there's four paragraphs here,

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but I'll, I'll stop at this one.

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First off to Chuck.

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Uh, good job recognizing when
something is too much for you.

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Recognizing, I'm, I'm assuming
I don't, I don't know.

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Or let's say someone's in a situation
like Chuck, recognizing that I am not a

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productive member of this relationship and
I need to work on myself more in order to

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be the best I can be in this relationship.

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It takes- that's not easy
to, to admit to yourself.

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And to follow through on that and
risk feeling, all kinds of stuff.

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Uh, that takes, that
takes a lot of bravery.

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So good job to Chuck on that.

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He goes on to say, "It's now been nine
months since the breakup, but ever since

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then, my life has become a living hell.

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I've been experiencing constant
anxiety symptoms, not panic attacks,"

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he says, "along with fatigue,
dizziness, extreme overthinking.

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Persistent worry, high stress,
headaches, migraines, weakened

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immunity, intrusive thoughts, physical
weakness, appetite changes, tightness

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in my chest, and a constant sense
of carrying a heavy emotional weight

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and tension with me wherever I go.

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I'm overly reactive, constantly on
edge, jumpy and stuck in a mindset

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where it feels like nothing will ever
change, like I'm trapped forever.

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I feel helpless and extremely hopeless."

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So, I don't know what
stuck state Chuck is in.

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I'm not going to give that diagnosis.

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I'm not gonna tell definitively
what stuck state Chuck is in.

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I'm not saying that whatsoever.

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But in general, if someone has these
cluster of things going on, assuming

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it's not like a medical issue, like
a non uh, polyvagal medical issue,

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there's a couple things I latched onto.

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Number one- I'm trapped.

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That to me, signals
freeze, helpless, hopeless.

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To me, signal shutdown;
shutdown is part of freeze.

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Uh, but if it was panic, I
would definitely say yeah,

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we're leaning into freeze.

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Constant anxiety- that to me, makes me
wonder, is it anxiety or low level panic?

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I don't know.

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I'm not giving a specific definitive
answer to anybody in particular at all.

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I don't know.

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Okay.

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But if, again, in general, if someone
came to me and said, I have constant

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anxiety symptoms, I would rule out
is it actually anxiety or is there

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actually a low level freeze that
is living within you constantly?

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If it's a low level freeze or
low level panic, excuse me.

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If it's a low level panic, plus
feeling trapped, plus feeling

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helpless, hopeless, to me, that signals
even more indications of freeze.

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On top of that, the fatigue, people
with chronic freeze oftentimes will

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cycle between like freeze activation,
so their motor's going, but it's just

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locked; it's trapped within; it's frozen.

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Then feeling drained and they kind
of cycle back and forth between

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high intensity and drained.

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Extreme overthinking,
not just overthinking.

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Extreme over to me- again, that is
again, signals to me there might

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be some freeze activation going on.

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Persistent worry, high stress to
al, to me that could be, could

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be flight fight, could be freeze.

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Intrusive thoughts.

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To me, that signals, that could
be any defensive state, but

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that could be a freeze thing.

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Physical weakness that's like shut down.

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But it could be on the, the fatigue end of
the freeze fatigue, freeze fatigue cycle.

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I think in, in the newest
polyvagal theory book.

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Was it the SSP one?

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They called that the cyclic defense loop.

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I believe it was Freeze to shut.

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I'm sorry.

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Freeze.

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Yeah.

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Freeze to shut down.

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Freeze to shut down.

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Freeze to shut down.

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But it also, we could have the same
defense loop of shut down to fight.

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Shut down to fight, shut down to fight.

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Back to this intrusive thoughts, physical
weakness, appetite changes, tightness

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in my chest, tightness in my chest.

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That could be flight fight
that could be freeze.

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And a constant sense of carrying a
heavy emotional weight and tension.

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Tension to me, signals freeze also.

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So, oh, overly reactive, constantly on
edge, jumpy, um, to me, I, I'm hearing

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a lot of potential freeze activation.

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Freeze has shutdown in it, so there could
be moments of more freezy kind of stuff.

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It could be moments of more
shutdown kind of stuff.

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Freeze also has sympathetic
activation, flight and fight.

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So one in freeze could have more
of a flavor of sympathetic, but

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also sometimes more shutdown
and vacillate between the two.

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Someone in freeze could have lots of
freeze panicky flavor and then, um,

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this sort of shutdown fatigue thing
and vastly between the two of those.

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So again, I, I don't know,
Chuck, I have no idea.

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I'm not telling you what your state is.

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In general, when I hear these things
from a client, I would wanna rule out,

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well, how much freeze is in your system?

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That that, that's where
I would go with it.

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Chuck goes on to say, "Based on
everything I've been reading,

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researching, and reflecting on.

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I've come to the conclusion that
I'm living in survival mode due

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to a dysregulated nervous system.

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The tricky part is that I can't fully
identify which dysregulated state

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I'm in, but I know it's not shut down
because I'm still able to function

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outwardly like a normal person.

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I can go out, attend school, hang out
with friends, laugh at jokes, feel some

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connection and have fleeting moments of
presence or hope, but deep inside it feels

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like there's a constant war going on.

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I feel broken and convinced that
I am either going to get worse

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or stay stuck like this forever."

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You know, we easily could have a
stuck defensive state, consis- like

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chronically- it's just always there.

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But in some situations,
some circumstances, it's not

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there or not there as much.

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And what you're describing with the
connection with friends, laughing

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at jokes, feeling connection, going
out, going out, going to school.

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So being outside, being around other
people that we like to be around,

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that's an easy way for us to have less
defensive activation, if not actual

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safety activation and feeling connection.

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So that that's, that's
not uncommon at all.

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Having a stuck defensive state
doesn't mean that you're like

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constantly in the worst of it.

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More typically what you'll see
is that there's a stuck defensive

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state that is worse at some
times and better at other times.

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It's worse at home in the dark, at
nighttime maybe, or in the morning when

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people wake up, there might be a big
spike of whatever they're going through.

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But when they go to work or when
they go to school or when they see

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friends, you know, life is okay.

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That's super typical.

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It just, it depends on what
safety cues are coming in.

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So when you're laughing with friends
or smiling with friends or you hear

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their voice, yeah, you're gonna
feel less defensive activation.

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So that that doesn't exactly rule
anything in or out 'cause I know

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you had said, uh, you don't know
what dysregulated state you're in.

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So anyone, we could have any stuck
defensive state and then feel

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better in some situations that that
could be any stuck defensive state.

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What I will add to this though
is for Chuck and for everybody,

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good job putting pieces together,
researching, reading things, reflecting.

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That's awesome.

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And even if you can't figure out, I'm
actually, I'm surprised in my, in the

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Untucking Academy, I, I ask people as they
come in, what stuck state they're in and

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it's, I don't share that with anybody.

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And I'm surprised how many
people say they don't know.

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So even if we don't know, and
Chuck, this sounds like you and

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maybe many people listening, even
if we don't know, you can still,

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there's a lot of good that can come.

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You know, even if you don't know.

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If you don't know what stuck state
you're in, you, you probably know that

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you don't have enough safety activation.

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So you can still practice that.

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You can still practice feeling
safe and building up the strength

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of your, your safety state.

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You don't have to know what
state you're in to do that.

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Maybe it's helpful in general
to kind of act as a container.

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Like I, I understand that cognitively,
I understand what's happening

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within me, and that can help
to reduce defensive activation.

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But if you can't figure
it out, that's okay.

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I would say just focus more on the safety
activation, focus more on practicing

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mindfulness, focus more on connecting
with people, sharing laughter, connecting

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with your pets, getting outside, just
do those kind of basic mindfulness

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and connection and nature pieces.

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If we could do that, that can, that
can do a lot of good and that can

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actually help reduce the intensity
of our defensive activation.

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And if that can reduce, then we might
be thinking more clearly and the pieces

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might come together, uh, more clearly.

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All the stuff that you research and
all those free things you collect

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into some random folder on your hard
drive, all those like free download

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this and then blah, blah, blah.

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All those things all of a sudden might
make more sense because you have more

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safety in your system and you're like, oh
yeah, there was this thing I downloaded

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that I can make use of now, or that
book that makes more sense now, or that

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skill or that technique or whatever.

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So even if you, I guess point
being, if you don't know what your

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defensive activation is, that's fine.

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Focus more on safety activation.

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And that really is, even if you
did know what defensive state you,

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you're in, the safety activation
is the the next step anyways.

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So, feeling safe and consistently
practicing safety every day, even

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in like little moments- that is
huge right now in the Untucking aca,

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and this, this is true for anybody.

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I don't think we're ever done
practicing and feeling safe.

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We have to kind of keep
coming to that uh, every day.

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In the Untucking Academy, we're doing
this 30 day challenge where there

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are, or you do a 20 day challenge
spread out over 30 days basically.

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You get this mini safety challenge
to use your senses mindfully every

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day, or one sense mindfully each day.

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And there are people taking the challenge
who are unstuck or significantly

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unstuck-er compared to the past.

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I'm in there doing it as well.

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There are people that are working
on it and people that are brand new.

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So even though there's different levels of
unstuckness taking part in this challenge.

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It's still beneficial for the person
who has a lot of defensive activation.

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Hopefully they feel safety for the first
time and again and again and again.

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And by the end of the 30 days, they
actually have built their safety state.

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Or at least they've built a lot
of, uh, familiarity with it.

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I had to say that like four times.

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That was my fourth take,
trying to say that word.

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At least they've built a lot of
familiarity with their safety

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state at the end of that 30 days.

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And now they can keep building it
and building it and building it.

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So point being, if you don't know what
state you're in, that's, that's okay.

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You can still focus on safety and
so much good could come from that

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if you do small daily practices.

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I don't believe- I don't think
that we are broken- anyone

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listening to this is broken.

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I don't think my clients are broken.

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The freaking podcast is
called Stuck, not Broken.

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We're stuck.

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If you buy into the polyvagal stuff,
in my opinion, you essentially must buy

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into the idea that we are temporarily
stuck, not broken permanently, not born

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this way, but we've been through one
thing or many things that have left us

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in some level of stuck state activation.

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I think it applies to everybody.

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We each have some level of stuckness.

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So no, we're not broken, and that
means no things are not hopeless.

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And no, you're not helpless.

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If you can practice, and it is everybody,
if you can practice feeling safety every

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day for 30 seconds, you're not helpless.

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That that is an avenue-
that is an avenue for hope.

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That's an avenue for change.

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Sound like I'm running for
president or something.

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Maybe like 10, 20 years ago.

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Geez.

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Um, that's an avenue though.

228
00:12:53,387 --> 00:12:53,927
Seriously.

229
00:12:54,227 --> 00:12:57,287
So things are not hopeless and, and
you're not helpless because you're

230
00:12:57,317 --> 00:13:01,097
learning, you're reading, you're
trying to put things in practice.

231
00:13:01,097 --> 00:13:03,257
You're reflecting, you're
reaching out, asking for help.

232
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:06,137
You're- so that's not helpless.

233
00:13:06,167 --> 00:13:07,607
You're, you're already doing things.

234
00:13:08,237 --> 00:13:12,287
Now, the, the goal might be to
focus more on safety and yeah,

235
00:13:12,287 --> 00:13:15,377
maybe figure out what stuck state
you're in, but focus on safety.

236
00:13:15,437 --> 00:13:16,337
That is not helpless.

237
00:13:17,327 --> 00:13:18,467
That is, that is hope.

238
00:13:18,527 --> 00:13:22,457
There there is, there's an avenue
here that is providing hope, that's

239
00:13:22,457 --> 00:13:27,827
providing motivation, encouragement,
some positivity that, that is hope.

240
00:13:27,827 --> 00:13:30,467
So, not hopeless, not helpless,
and definitely not broken.

241
00:13:30,467 --> 00:13:31,907
That does not compute.

242
00:13:33,527 --> 00:13:34,247
That does not compute.

243
00:13:34,277 --> 00:13:36,467
So congratulations for
Chuck and everybody.

244
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:37,097
You're not broken.

245
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:38,057
You're maybe we're just stuck.

246
00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:41,215
Chuck wraps it up and says, "I
don't feel like myself anymore.

247
00:13:41,245 --> 00:13:44,755
I was living the best time of my
life before all this happened.

248
00:13:45,415 --> 00:13:46,465
I can't take it anymore.

249
00:13:46,465 --> 00:13:48,145
Please, can you tell
me there's still hope?

250
00:13:48,306 --> 00:13:51,246
That I can find myself again
and feel normal someday.

251
00:13:51,876 --> 00:13:52,836
I'm still 17.

252
00:13:52,836 --> 00:13:55,686
I'm so young and I desperately
need some advice by someone

253
00:13:55,686 --> 00:13:56,946
who has knowledge on this.

254
00:13:57,606 --> 00:14:02,766
You dear Mr. Justin are the best
destination I I could ask for help."

255
00:14:02,766 --> 00:14:04,116
I'm honored, Chuck.

256
00:14:04,566 --> 00:14:07,236
Um, so I've already answered like,
yeah, there's still hope in general.

257
00:14:08,016 --> 00:14:09,306
For you, I would say so as well.

258
00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:09,426
Yeah.

259
00:14:09,426 --> 00:14:12,366
There's still hope that I can
find herself and find herself

260
00:14:12,366 --> 00:14:13,536
and be normal again someday.

261
00:14:13,596 --> 00:14:17,826
I don't know what normal means,
but in my opinion, as we get more

262
00:14:17,826 --> 00:14:22,986
and more and more unstuck, we don't
find the way things used to be.

263
00:14:22,986 --> 00:14:24,786
We actually find, I
think, a better version.

264
00:14:25,596 --> 00:14:26,856
The way things used to be.

265
00:14:28,011 --> 00:14:30,621
Probably are not as cut
out as we think they were.

266
00:14:32,031 --> 00:14:42,141
We often times, especially my clients,
live a life where there's some St

267
00:14:42,261 --> 00:14:46,491
stuck defensive state, but we deal
with it or don't deal with it.

268
00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:54,201
We cope with it through making ourselves
feel better by binge watching tv,

269
00:14:54,201 --> 00:15:01,116
overeating, undereating, working
out, overly working out drug use.

270
00:15:01,896 --> 00:15:04,626
You know, like just tons of stuff
that we do to make ourselves feel

271
00:15:04,626 --> 00:15:05,886
better, but it doesn't solve it.

272
00:15:06,846 --> 00:15:08,886
So that doesn't last very long.

273
00:15:08,946 --> 00:15:11,196
Or it can last for actually for
quite a while, but eventually

274
00:15:11,196 --> 00:15:12,006
it doesn't work anymore.

275
00:15:12,666 --> 00:15:14,196
And that's where things really change.

276
00:15:14,196 --> 00:15:16,031
That's where the defensive
activation takes over because

277
00:15:16,051 --> 00:15:20,466
the old strategies are no longer
containing the defensive activation.

278
00:15:21,096 --> 00:15:23,646
Someone says, someone says to me,
I wanna be back to my old self.

279
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:28,026
In my mind, I'm like, well, your old self
probably was going through the same stuff.

280
00:15:28,026 --> 00:15:30,606
You just were blocking it
out and that's not healthy.

281
00:15:31,566 --> 00:15:32,886
Why would you wanna go back to that?

282
00:15:33,546 --> 00:15:36,456
So when we get more and more
unstuck, we don't, I don't think

283
00:15:36,456 --> 00:15:37,626
we go back to our old self.

284
00:15:37,626 --> 00:15:43,986
We become this other, well, we're,
you're still yourself, but you become

285
00:15:44,376 --> 00:15:45,846
the unstuck version of yourself.

286
00:15:45,846 --> 00:15:49,566
You become someone who actually has
more safety in their system, more

287
00:15:49,596 --> 00:15:54,246
capacity for connection and peace and
mindfulness and connecting with others

288
00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:55,416
and yourself and the environment.

289
00:15:56,046 --> 00:15:58,056
That's, that can't be
the same person, right?

290
00:15:59,916 --> 00:16:02,496
So I don't know why we want that.

291
00:16:03,906 --> 00:16:05,226
If you're honest with yourself,

292
00:16:07,386 --> 00:16:08,766
it's probably not the way you remember.

293
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:13,716
You know, maybe you kicked butt in life,
maybe you kicked butt in your business

294
00:16:13,716 --> 00:16:17,256
and you got a ton of stuff done, but
you were ignoring what was happening

295
00:16:17,256 --> 00:16:22,266
within you, and you took that activation
and you put it towards your business.

296
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:27,096
Or you took that activation and
you put it into, uh, eating too

297
00:16:27,096 --> 00:16:31,116
much sugar . Life probably was
not as good as you think it was.

298
00:16:31,836 --> 00:16:33,816
You probably were not as
happy as you think you were.

299
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:36,236
I don't know you in
particular, dear listener.

300
00:16:36,906 --> 00:16:37,926
Chuck, this is not about you.

301
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:40,746
Um, in general.

302
00:16:41,541 --> 00:16:44,271
In general, it things probably weren't
as great as you thought they were.

303
00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:45,411
So let's not go back to that.

304
00:16:45,411 --> 00:16:50,631
Let's go back to, or let's move
forward into whatever the hell

305
00:16:50,721 --> 00:16:52,371
comes of you when you get unstuck.

306
00:16:52,371 --> 00:16:55,551
And we don't know what that is and
that's gonna be beautiful, you know?

307
00:16:55,551 --> 00:16:58,641
So, Chuck, I hope that you do get unstuck
from whatever you're going through

308
00:16:58,641 --> 00:17:02,811
right now, and I hope you do deal with
whatever attachment stuff you mentioned,

309
00:17:03,711 --> 00:17:07,741
but we don't know what 18-year-old
Chuck is gonna be like ...19, 20.

310
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:09,186
You know what I mean?

311
00:17:09,186 --> 00:17:12,756
Like it's not gonna, I don't think it'll
be the same version of you that you

312
00:17:12,756 --> 00:17:18,396
think you're leaving behind, so, or that
you're, where you'll never get back to.

313
00:17:18,475 --> 00:17:22,402
one final thought is that each of
us has pains that we're carrying

314
00:17:22,402 --> 00:17:27,322
around from the past, obviously,
and then something new happens.

315
00:17:28,162 --> 00:17:30,652
And there's, we can, we
can compartmentalize these.

316
00:17:31,252 --> 00:17:32,992
We can look at the new thing like this.

317
00:17:33,292 --> 00:17:37,102
I went through a breakup and now I have
all these feelings that are coming up

318
00:17:37,102 --> 00:17:40,522
inside of me that, uh, are a bit much.

319
00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:47,032
Those are obviously connected to the
other past stuff, but it's okay to deal

320
00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:52,192
with and compartmentalize- these feelings
I'm having present day are connected

321
00:17:52,192 --> 00:17:56,152
to the past- but really we're triggered
by this more recent thing, so I'm gonna

322
00:17:56,842 --> 00:18:00,262
focus on these feelings as you do that.

323
00:18:00,907 --> 00:18:04,687
Past feelings might come up, and it's
okay to, to like put those in the back

324
00:18:04,687 --> 00:18:08,557
burner and respectfully tell those past
feelings, you know, it's not time yet

325
00:18:08,647 --> 00:18:11,917
and I'm gonna give you more attention
when I'm ready to, but right now I'm

326
00:18:11,917 --> 00:18:16,837
gonna focus more on the present day stuff
until I can handle going into the past.

327
00:18:17,467 --> 00:18:22,207
You'll know you can go into the past-
past feelings- because you want to,

328
00:18:22,237 --> 00:18:26,527
because you feel self-compassion,
because you feel curious about all

329
00:18:26,527 --> 00:18:28,387
of you, not just the good stuff.

330
00:18:29,227 --> 00:18:32,312
As you build your safety state,
you'll be able to handle the,

331
00:18:32,317 --> 00:18:33,757
the more present day feelings.

332
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:38,137
As those clear up the past
emotions are gonna get excited

333
00:18:38,137 --> 00:18:39,487
and say, now pay attention to me.

334
00:18:40,237 --> 00:18:41,137
Give us some love.

335
00:18:42,097 --> 00:18:44,377
And if you can say to the past
emotions, okay, I'm ready.

336
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:48,097
You know, I have compassion for you
and I want to feel you, and I want to

337
00:18:48,097 --> 00:18:49,627
just let you be present here with me.

338
00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:52,312
I know we're personifying
our feelings here.

339
00:18:52,702 --> 00:18:56,332
But if you can do that, if you have actual
compassion and curiosity about the past

340
00:18:56,332 --> 00:18:58,942
stuff, then it's time to feel into it.

341
00:18:59,482 --> 00:19:00,142
Not easy.

342
00:19:00,562 --> 00:19:03,232
You have to have a lot of safety,
state activation and really be

343
00:19:03,232 --> 00:19:08,062
anchored in your safety state in the
present moment to to allow those past

344
00:19:09,292 --> 00:19:11,392
emotions and experiences to surface.

345
00:19:12,982 --> 00:19:16,507
So I guess to bring it back to
what Chuck was saying- there might

346
00:19:16,507 --> 00:19:19,987
be a present day context that's
triggering all kinds of dysregulation.

347
00:19:19,987 --> 00:19:23,107
So it's okay to compartmentalize
and feel and just sort of soften

348
00:19:23,107 --> 00:19:24,097
and deal with those things.

349
00:19:25,297 --> 00:19:29,797
And then as you're ready to
then turn to the past emotions.

350
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,167
The, actually one more
thing I'll add in here.

351
00:19:33,877 --> 00:19:37,777
Saying I you, and not, again,
not Chuck, but everybody saying

352
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:38,797
I have attachment issues.

353
00:19:38,797 --> 00:19:39,757
That's okay, I get it.

354
00:19:40,687 --> 00:19:42,157
But what does that mean?

355
00:19:42,157 --> 00:19:42,967
What does that feel like?

356
00:19:43,822 --> 00:19:46,672
And what I would invite you
to do is don't explain it.

357
00:19:47,452 --> 00:19:48,292
Describe it.

358
00:19:50,302 --> 00:19:55,102
I have a client, young woman, who
has attachment issues and she wants

359
00:19:55,102 --> 00:19:56,242
to work on her attachment issues.

360
00:19:56,242 --> 00:19:58,852
And I say, okay, well, well
what does that feel like?

361
00:19:58,852 --> 00:20:02,377
And she starts to explain,
well, parents and this and that.

362
00:20:02,377 --> 00:20:05,722
And it's like, no, no, no, not,
I don't want you to explain it.

363
00:20:05,722 --> 00:20:06,652
I want you to describe it.

364
00:20:06,652 --> 00:20:07,522
What is it you're going through?

365
00:20:07,522 --> 00:20:10,462
What, when you say you have attachment
issues, how could you tell on your body?

366
00:20:10,462 --> 00:20:11,362
What does that feel like?

367
00:20:13,072 --> 00:20:16,942
And what that's gonna lead you to
is, well, it feels like hopelessness.

368
00:20:16,942 --> 00:20:18,472
It feels like helplessness.

369
00:20:18,472 --> 00:20:19,702
Maybe it feels like abandonment.

370
00:20:19,702 --> 00:20:20,572
It feels like rejection.

371
00:20:20,572 --> 00:20:22,462
It feels like insecurity.

372
00:20:22,462 --> 00:20:23,452
It feels alone.

373
00:20:24,802 --> 00:20:30,922
So instead of explaining the attachment
issue, I would encourage each of us,

374
00:20:31,192 --> 00:20:35,812
what does it feel like if you can, that
would be one of those deeper level older

375
00:20:35,812 --> 00:20:41,137
emotions that are still hugely relevant
day to day, but we can compartmentalize

376
00:20:41,137 --> 00:20:46,657
those and, and give attention to those
as we are ready to, not right away as

377
00:20:46,657 --> 00:20:48,337
we are ready to with lots of safety.

378
00:20:49,837 --> 00:20:53,107
And then when you're ready to, don't
explain, describe, describe what

379
00:20:53,107 --> 00:20:58,597
you're going through emotionally
or in your body related to whatever

380
00:20:58,597 --> 00:21:00,277
attachment issues that you say you have.

381
00:21:00,371 --> 00:21:04,271
If you've got attachment issues, if
you've got a breakup, the feelings

382
00:21:04,271 --> 00:21:06,491
you have from it are normal.

383
00:21:06,491 --> 00:21:07,721
It's okay to feel that way.

384
00:21:07,721 --> 00:21:11,411
You're not broken, you're not defective.

385
00:21:11,411 --> 00:21:17,261
It is a normal response or
expected response to loss.

386
00:21:18,341 --> 00:21:19,991
Like in a, in a breakup,
you're losing something.

387
00:21:19,991 --> 00:21:20,681
There's grief there.

388
00:21:20,681 --> 00:21:21,551
At the very least.

389
00:21:22,211 --> 00:21:24,491
There might be anger, there might
be anxiety, and now we feel alone.

390
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:25,511
Now we feel insecure.

391
00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:29,321
All kinds of stuff might come up
and those, that's totally expected

392
00:21:29,321 --> 00:21:30,401
and it's okay to feel that way.

393
00:21:30,401 --> 00:21:33,851
We just wanna balance it out
with being in the present moment.

394
00:21:34,511 --> 00:21:38,171
With spending time with friends, with,
you know, checking on our breath.

395
00:21:39,041 --> 00:21:40,511
We just wanna balance it out.

396
00:21:40,871 --> 00:21:41,921
That, that, that's, that's it.

397
00:21:41,921 --> 00:21:43,061
Otherwise, it's super normal.

398
00:21:43,331 --> 00:21:46,811
If you had attachment issues growing up,
the way you feel about it now is expected.

399
00:21:46,811 --> 00:21:47,291
It's normal.

400
00:21:47,291 --> 00:21:48,281
It's okay to feel that way.

401
00:21:49,151 --> 00:21:53,681
If you feel alone or, or, um,
lost or abandoned or rejected

402
00:21:53,681 --> 00:21:56,261
or whatever- that makes sense.

403
00:21:56,681 --> 00:21:57,701
You know what you feel.

404
00:21:58,541 --> 00:22:00,071
It makes sense why you feel that way.

405
00:22:00,281 --> 00:22:02,561
Anybody with your life probably
would feel the same way.

406
00:22:03,461 --> 00:22:06,821
And so give yourself permission
to feel that way with safety.

407
00:22:07,391 --> 00:22:08,111
With safety.

408
00:22:08,429 --> 00:22:09,089
Okay, that's it.

409
00:22:09,089 --> 00:22:10,559
Hopefully this was helpful for you.

410
00:22:10,589 --> 00:22:13,349
Dear listener, Chuck, thank you
for writing in with the question.

411
00:22:13,379 --> 00:22:14,279
I love answering questions.

412
00:22:14,279 --> 00:22:17,369
If you have one for, uh, yourself,
dear listener, send it in.

413
00:22:17,819 --> 00:22:22,199
And if it's, uh, something that sparks
my, my inspiration, then uh, I would

414
00:22:22,199 --> 00:22:23,489
love to address it here on the podcast.

415
00:22:23,489 --> 00:22:24,209
Thank you again, Chuck.

416
00:22:25,019 --> 00:22:27,929
As far as like everyone, for
as far as your next step.

417
00:22:29,219 --> 00:22:29,549
There.

418
00:22:29,549 --> 00:22:35,939
There's so much good that can come
from those mini mindfulness practices.

419
00:22:36,449 --> 00:22:41,609
Tapping into stuck defense is probably
too much, so focus on using one of

420
00:22:41,609 --> 00:22:45,599
your senses for 30 seconds once a day.

421
00:22:45,767 --> 00:22:46,487
Start there.

422
00:22:46,547 --> 00:22:49,577
I know it's small, but that
is absolutely a step forward.

423
00:22:50,297 --> 00:22:52,847
If that's not something you're doing
currently, please take the time to

424
00:22:52,847 --> 00:22:54,857
do that every day for 30 seconds.

425
00:22:55,622 --> 00:22:56,972
And then build on it from there.

426
00:22:58,082 --> 00:22:59,072
Thanks again for joining me.

427
00:22:59,587 --> 00:22:59,807
Bye.

428
00:23:00,010 --> 00:23:04,360
or they've at least built a lot
of Fili, Fili, or at least they've

429
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:09,730
built a lot of famili, or at
least they've, or at least they,