E115 - (PA) Finally Stop Feeling Like You're Failing At Love
===
[00:00:00] From this episode, you will understand how you can finally stop feeling like you're failing at love.
Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.
Hello and welcome back to the podcast. As a woman listening, you are most likely very intelligent. You are very capable. You have probably built a life that you are really proud of. You have worked really, really hard in your work, in your career, in your, in your friendships, in your family life, and yet.
You are likely finding yourself still answering texts from a person that you know you shouldn't be with or can't stop going back to and still believing the apologies. And still giving another [00:01:00] chance that you know that he doesn't deserve, and that is the part that you don't tell anybody, right?
Because how do you explain being so put together in every other aspect of your life yet completely like out of control of your decisions, in your relationship?
This episode is not about why he is a narcissist. This is about why you as an smart and intelligent woman, cannot seem to leave, cannot seem to get out of his grip.
So today you will gain some clarity on why you feel like you're high functioning in life, but failing at love. You're gonna have some language for the shame and the doubt that you have been carrying, probably pretty silently, and you're gonna get a grounded shift from short-term relief.
To long-term peace. 'cause I know that's what you really, really want. You really want that calm, that peace, that self-trust back [00:02:00] again. So we're gonna talk about all of that and be sure to stick around to the end of the episode where I will pull an Oracle card that will offer a message that you can use this week to stay more anchored and centered into your healing.
Okay, let's take a deep breath and begin
The good news here, as with all of my episodes, hopefully, is to instill a sense that you are not alone in feeling this frustration. So I wanted, I wanna share with you about a client of mine who is in this exact place. She is a boss. She owns several businesses. She is thriving.
She can manage people and teams and projects and things without even blinking. It seems like on the outside. She is beautiful. She on the inside, she is beautiful. She comes across, very put together. People in her life actually look up to her for how to structure their lives, how they can feel more put together in their lives but [00:03:00] inside she's feeling not that way. She's feeling very out of control. Very hopeless, very like. I am not understanding her own behavior in this relationship. So she has left and gone back to her partner several times and she has hit this rock bottom moment of, I can't do this several times over the last few years.
And she came to me, she found my work when she was just completely deteriorating emotionally and mentally and spiritually, all on the inside, while the outside still looked very put together. So there was this deep incongruence of how she felt versus how people perceived her in her life.
What would happen over these last few years was that things would get really bad. She would find the evidence or the text message or the, or the Insta message that he was cheating. She would kick him out. She would feel relief. She would feel like, oh my God, thank goodness I don't have to deal with this person anymore.
I don't have to deal with the ups and downs. I don't [00:04:00] have to wonder if he's cheating on me. And she would have a couple of days
where she would actually feel that relief. After those couple of days, that was when the silence really started to set in and that agony really started to hit her.
And she would find herself over and over again each time the cycle would happen, really wanting a text from him. She was really looking for that text
that was kind of two parts, one part being, I'm so sorry, I realize the type of person I am. I realize what I did. I realize I hurt you. And then the other part being, I want you back. Let's try again. I'm changing. I've changed like part of her
really wanted him to live up to his potential and to take accountability for what he did. Her mind would start racing, and this typically happened, you know, when she finally put her work com computer down at 10:00 PM and then she'd be up until one or two in the morning. Just wondering like, was I too harsh?
Maybe I overreacted, maybe I need to hear him [00:05:00] out.
Which would usually lead to her either reaching out to him or liking a post of his on social media that then initiated an outreach from him and there would be a conversation that would start and he would say something along the lines of what she wanted to hear.
Right? She like the apology. I recognize what I did. I'm so sorry I'm changing. I'll be different this time. And she, every time she told herself that this time would be different. Every time it felt like a really genuine apology. So when she came to me, she was like, I don't, uh, it's never a genuine apology, but I always believe it.
I need help, not going back. I need help feeling like I can trust myself and what I know in this relationship, just like I trust myself and what I know in my business and the other parts of my life.
Because at each time that she was going back, she was feeling more and more stupid, more and more like a failure and more and more ashamed of what she was doing, which was then really leading to [00:06:00] isolation from friends and family, or being able to talk through what was happening to help her make a different decision.
So really the, this contradiction is what is so painful for my client. And maybe you, maybe you are in this situation where you are like, I can analyze this shit out of problems at work. I can manage all of these conflicts with my teams. I can create a business, I can thrive as a high level professional.
I can get shit done. I can multitask. I can make all the lunches for the kids and work out and do the drop off all before 9:00 AM and you really pride yourself on your drive, your motivation, your ability, your capability. But then when it comes to him. It's like the clarity and the control just disappear.
The control of yourself, of your decisions. You're picking up the phone before you realize what you're doing. It feels so out of control, which I know is a really uncomfortable place for you to be. So [00:07:00] while this cycle is actually really painful, right, it's painful to go back into a relationship that hurts into a place where you're not getting your needs met, where there is a lot of mistrust where you have to walk on eggshells. So there's that pain. But really, I think what is the, the deeper pain here is that you feel just like an utter failure at this whole relationship thing.
Because again, it feels so confusing as to why you're doing what you're doing or why he's doing what he's doing, or both and all you want. Is to be loved. All you want is to be with somebody who can equally meet you in a partnership where you feel calm, where you feel like what people talk about in healthy relationships, which is a, a sense of like being home with your partner.
I know on some level you want to feel that, you want to feel that reciprocity because you have so much love to give.
Instead [00:08:00] of feeling that in a relationship, you're creating this sense of failure. , and I wonder if like my client, you're also hitting this point of like. Chronic self-doubt where there is just not even an, an inkling of an ability to be able to trust yourself anymore. And this quiet shame of what's wrong with me
and something is so wrong with me that I can't dare tell anybody in my world because I look so put together that nobody would understand or that they would be so like jumbled off their feet that then I would have to try to soothe them.
It is really such an isolating place because, and it's not even a, a sense of being like a victim of this, like a victim of, oh, I'm bad at relationships, poor me. It's like you feel like a fraud because you should know better, you know better, but you can't stop. And that shame feels debilitating.
For [00:09:00] this client of mine that shame really like kept pushing her farther and farther and farther down into this dark hole where she felt really alone. Like she wasn't reaching out to her friends anymore. She wasn't trying to explain her thought process or that she went back with him or they broke up again because she felt like she couldn't explain herself.
She couldn't give a good reason as to what she was doing that other people would believe. 'cause on some level, she didn't even believe it.
And what was happening for this client also was that she was just feeling so small, right? Smaller and smaller and smaller and farther and farther away from reality. Or people that could support her and help her find reality like that. Shame. Really, really just pushes you down into isolation. The isolation breeds the shame, right?
That's what Brene Brown has so eloquently told us in her work, is that the farther we get away from support, the more hopeless we feel. The more damaged, the more [00:10:00] fraudulent, the more at fault we feel for these things.
And you kind of lose sight of. Like how much time you've been spending in these cycles or, or the future, what the future looks like. Because in that moment the drive to go back is so intense and then coming back into that relationship or him coming back with the apology feels like such a relief that it sort of, I don't know, like erases your ability to like predict what the future might look like.
In reality, it, it puts a blinder maybe is a better way to say that, of. I am back in potential land. I'm back in this place where everything's gonna work out. It's gonna be different this time and nothing changes. And then you look back in two or three years and you're like, whoa, now it's been two or three years. So if you're in this place and you're like, what am I doing? If, if nothing changes, nothing changes. So are you okay with being in [00:11:00] this cycle or, or doing this back and forth and feeling like a failure for 1, 2, 5, 10 more years?
It's a hard question and I know that like you might even need a breath right now. Like let's just take a breath in as you sit with that.
and While I can bring some clarity to that reality, I also want you to know that women who leave, who break free of this type of cycle, of this type of trauma bond, they're not stronger. They're not less empathetic, they're not more disciplined.
They just understand three things. The first being that they can't think their way out of this. This is way too emotionally charged, biochemically charged bond that they have with this person and the cycle that they're in. So they understand that their thinking brain knows. This is not working. I shouldn't do this.
But they can't stop the action. So number one is, I can't think my way out of it. Number two is that they understand they [00:12:00] have to unhook emotionally. So they have to do the emotional processing work. They have to regulate the nervous system and be with their feelings and order to get through that really painful withdrawal period and to come into that clarity so that it can like.
Settle and resonate and anchor into their knowing that this person is not good for them. Not just knowing in their brain, but knowing in their body and to have the nervous system tools to be able to work with all the feelings that come up when you actually start to detach for real from these relationships.
And then the third thing that they know is that they need the right, like support people to help them go through this.
We are social creatures. We get comfort from our community. So having the right people around you that can support you through really painful things is, is vital. Whether that's a friend, whether that's a therapist, or a coach, or a group of people that understand what you're going through, you need that [00:13:00] outside support to to help you feel comfort during really painful withdrawal periods from this relationship.
And to help reflect back reality to you because you've been living in one reality in your thoughts, and that's likely not serving you if you're listening to this podcast. So people outside of you can reflect back Real reality can help you understand what really you can expect in a relationship, can help you understand and, and just validate your feelings.
Like of course you feel sad and miss him, and of course part of you wants him back. So having that community part is vital.
Getting out of this not feeling like you're failing at love anymore
it's not about cutting him off harder. It's not about understanding narcissism more. It's about detaching from the emotional addiction that is the trauma bond. It's about rebuilding the self trust and it's about choosing longstanding peace over short [00:14:00] term potential.
I want you to try to reframe the question, why can't I leave to what part of me learned how to survive this? And everything can start changing from there.
If you're still listening, this episode is resonating for you because you are stuck in a pattern that requires support and not shame.
That part of you that is feeling like a failure is really needing a safe place. To be, while you make sense of what's happening, rebuild yourself, trust, and finally choose yourself without spiraling back.
There are a lot of ways to support this part of you, and one way that I offer
Is my program becoming because I understand exactly this pain point that you're in and how to help you move forward out of it. So if you're done giving chances that cost you your peace and you're ready to feel that congruency of being a badass externally in your [00:15:00] life and internally in the way that you can stand for yourself, speak your needs, know what you deserve, and get what you deserve from interpersonal relationships
And equally importantly, not feeling like you are failing at love. I invite you to take the next ripe step. I have an intro session that is free for you where you and I can meet and talk about exactly where you are, and I can help offer you some guidance around what's possible in my programs and how we can help you shift out of feeling like you're failing
to being able to stand confidently and walk away and stay gone so that eventually you can find that person that will meet you equally.
You don't need another breakup, you need a break through, and it would be my honor to help you get there. So the link to that intro session is in the show notes. Lastly, let's pull your Oracle card and see what [00:16:00] the message is that wants to come through for you this week.
And it is blank stair. So let me find the message in the book and I will read to you. What Blink. Stare has to say, blink. Blink, blank. Stare invites you to take a moment to pause. No need to react. Soak it in. Take time to process what is in front of you. Sometimes you are not sure how to respond. You need more time to think, to speak.
Blink Stare gives you permission to slow down. Be thoughtful with your words and actions so that they're in alignment with your desired expression, feeling or values. The high pressure energy of your environment or those close to you may push you to speak or act before you're ready. It's okay to take your time, take a breath, gather yourself, shoot them a blank stare until you're ready to say what you say or do what you do.
Uh, yes. Giving yourself that moment of pause so that you can find some regulation with what [00:17:00] you're feeling before you're jumping into that reactive place of reaching back out, or of reaching for work or Netflix or ice cream, or whatever it is that you're trying to use to get you out of the pain that you feel during that separation period.
I see you. I've felt it. I understand that it is so hard to move through. And I want you to know, with the right support and the right guidance, it is possible. I have seen so many clients be able to shift away from this repetitive cycle of failing into feeling like they can actually enjoy themselves again.
That they tap into their, their experience, their joy of life, of being able to be present with their kids or their family
And really reclaiming all of the energy that they are burning on their partner or their ex-partner. So it's possible. Until I see you in your intro session or the next [00:18:00] episode, please remember that you are not alone.