Hello. Hello. Welcome back to Become a Calm

Mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlene Childress. And I am a life

and parenting coach. And on today's podcast episode,

I've titled this parenting 101, the basics. This happens to

be episode 101, and so I thought it would be kind of fun

to talk about the basics and kind of

Orient orient us into some foundational

principles, especially as we kick off 2024 And, you

know, think about this next year and what we're gonna focus on as parents. I

wanted to just get it down to, like, what are the basic

Essential needs of humans. That's what I wanna talk about today.

So some of the work that I'm bringing up is

from Gabor Mate's book, the myth of normal, I've

read this over the last couple of months, and the book has,

I think I've joked I'm like, this is the best parenting book I've ever read,

and it's not a parenting book. It's a book about

about humans and how they develop and the the right The

right environments that people need in order to

thrive, and then it kind of goes through. It's a large book. It's like 500

pages, But then it goes through all of the different ways that our

society is built up to prevent that

really strong emotional Well-being that foundation

of of true health. So I found this book so

powerful, and I wanna talk about one aspect that,

Gabor brings up in his book and,

really kind of articulate these 2 essential

needs of humans. So let's get right into it. Yeah?

So the the 2 essential needs of humans are attachment

and authenticity. So I'm gonna define those, and then we're gonna

talk about the tension that happens between the

2, how that shows up in parenting, and then how we can heal

that tension. Does that sound great? Alright. So let's get into it.

So what is attachment? Attachment is like a

human drive. We all have it at all stages of our lives

where we are driven for physical and emotional closeness.

It's primal. It's wired into our nervous system. It's wired into

our biology that we are safer when we

are together. We are safer as a a

species when we're a social species. We are safer when we

are in a community. Now this is especially true

with children. Right? Because as a as our

species, our children come into the world. They're the

most dependent specie, you know, the most dependent young on their

caregiver, and they are immature for a very long

period of time. And so the attachment

with their caregiver is vital in order for them

to survive. And so they, are the

human the human body, the human brain, the human self

is primed To seek attachment

and to do anything it can to get that attachment because

the attachment means safety,

especially when they're young. So we have

this very primal need to feel

safe by Our with our caregiver.

That means our physical safety that our, you know, biological

needs are met, that we can stay warm, that we could be fed,

that we can you know, we can, have well, what

else is there? Right? You know? Like, the need for our bodies to be cared

for and then also our emotions. So we have

both of those needs, and it's really important for all of us that we

feel connected. And so when you're really little, what you

know, you're seeking care give carry being cared

for when you're young, and you're doing anything you can to make

sure that you keep that attachment. And then as you

get older, you can also find attachment by caregiving. And

we've talked about a little bit on the podcast how sometimes it can get mixed

up. Like, my identity is in my caregiving, and that's how I feel

safe. But then what happens if I don't give care and it gets kinda

messy? And that's like a codependency kind of,

drawback. But Whatever that tendency is

is in caregiving or receiving care, it really is this

seeking of attachment, which ultimately means safety.

So if I'm attached, I feel safe.

So it's, this is primal primal need. So that

one Seems probably pretty obvious, and you're like, yeah. Okay.

That makes sense. Of course, they're vulnerable. The children are vulnerable.

But then the 2nd primal need is authenticity.

And so what's authenticity means? It means This

the the who you are inside. Right? Being able

to be yourself and know yourself and

express yourself and shape your own life.

So it's funny because we have this highly social

Experience of being in a community and needing have have that safety and that

attachment. And then we also have this very individualized

drive express ourselves and to know ourselves and to,

be our own individual person.

So the that's like the root of intuition actually is, you know, the

authenticity is kind of being able to know

My gut feeling, like, what's going on and listening

to that cue and trusting it and knowing

myself Annoying what I'm capable of and believing in myself,

authenticity is there at the root of my self esteem, of

my self-concept of who I am. And

as as a as a human, we want

to be able to be safe in our relationships

and also be able to express who we are

and still feel safe. So we're we're

we're craving This unconditional

attention and unconditional, like, agenda free

acceptance, and we don't

want our self our our sense of

self, our authentic self To threaten

our attachment. But that is what happens a lot

of times in Childhood

is there is a tension because sometimes

my authentic expression of myself, my thoughts, my

feelings, how those thoughts and feelings show

up in behavior, the person who is supposed to

be my caregiver and take care of me may

say, no. I am not going to

allow you to behave that way or to think that way or Feel

that way or show that emotion. And when you do that, I am

going to take away your sense of safety.

I'm gonna Detach from you until you

perform or show up the way I want you to.

So we with the child,

Feels that they have to do something different

in order to be acceptable or because they are looking for

safety. If they If the attachment feels

threatened in any way, the child

will shut down their authentic self. They will

try to anyway. The problem is that if you try to shut

down emotions and you try to shut down yourself,

You don't go anywhere. You still are in there, and you're still working

to be expressed at all times. And so that

Isn't it's not actually possible to shut down your authentic self, but

you can try. You can you can try to

to Squash who you are in order to be feel safe

and be accepted. So what does that look like in parenting?

The not not the original way of time out, but

the way that time out has been used. It's starting to get

better now. It's starting to go back to the original way. But,

originally, you know, a time out was intended to be like,

hey. It seems like, You know, maybe you're having some struggle,

and you need to take a little time out to calm

yourself. Right? But that that's

an okay way to use time out to see it as, like,

your nervous system is in overdrive. You're dysregulated. You're

you're struggling. Let me come alongside of you. Let me pull you out

of this situation. Let's give you some support and Get

you back to a better baseline and then come, you know, come join us. And

that can be self regulation or coregulation.

But what happened with time out is it became punitive, and it

became, you aren't acceptable. Your behavior

isn't acceptable. You cannot be here with us. You cannot be in this

situation with us until you can act right. So

attachment became conditional on behavior.

So we'd say, okay. You're 2 years old. Go sit in the corner for 2

minutes. Calm yourself and come back when you're ready to be,

like, good. And the truth is that's not

what's happening is that the child just has an authentic expression of

themselves, And they don't want attachment to be threatened. They're

not they're not testing it. They might be testing attachment, but it's not

it shouldn't be a condition. Attachment should never be a condition.

But we've used that time out philosophy

as a condition for attachment.

Instead of guiding the child through, like, the processes that you learn on this

podcast and saying, like, hey. You seem to be struggling.

You know, this behavior is out of bounds. Like, what's happening? Or this

behavior doesn't work. I'm gonna put us you know, put a boundary here, then I'm

gonna help you regulate your emotions in this way that is that is working.

So we're always validating the emotion, and I'm getting into Strategies. But I wanted

you to see the difference a little bit between

sometimes people are calling it, like, a time out versus a time in.

The other way that we see this in parenting is, you know, is

bankings. Right? Like, Your behavior is bad. I'm

going to hurt your body in order to teach you how to behave.

And, again, that is the the behavior is, You know, I say it all the

time. It's a feelings drive behavior. Behavior is an expression of

unmet need or emotions. And When you

use a punitive pain, like, literally hurt

your body when you are misbehaving, You

are telling the child you are not safe when you misbehave.

Attachment is threatened.

The So that's why, you know, even

in 2018, the American Academy of Pediatrics said, hey. Guess what?

Spanking is actually damaging. It doesn't do What you want it to do, it

hurts your children long term. It's not good for emotional health.

And, you know, so Okay. I'm gonna say this a couple

times, but, like, if you're doing these strategies, I don't want you to start to

freak out and be like, oh my god. I'm the worst mom. I'm so terrible.

I've ruined my kids. No. That's not

gonna help. Okay? When if you can be a little neutral

about yourself right now and just be listening to this podcast episode and Be

thinking, okay. I do those things because I don't

know what to do with misbehavior. I don't know how to handle it. I'm trying

my best. Yes. Of course. You're not intending to

hurt your children. I know that. You can

trust yourself. You just don't have the tools and skills. That's why you listen to

this podcast. That's why you sign up for programs. You read parenting books. Right? You

do these things because you're like, I wanna do it different. I don't know how.

That's why my programs are really focused on tools, like scripts,

tools, actual step by steps because I do believe none of

us know what we're doing. Right? Okay. So

we have time outs. We have spankings. We have just ignoring our

kids. So this is like, Negative reinforcement,

positive reinforcement kind of this idea of

I will listen to you. I will pay attention to you. I will only look

at you when you're doing good, when you're behaving the way I want you to

behave, and then if you're not, I'm gonna detach. So,

again, attachment, detachment. We're look our kids are

looking for, am I safe in this relationship? Can I rely on

the adults around me? Is my attachment ever threatened?

And, you know, you can you

can threaten attachment and get control of your kids and manipulate

them. The problem is that in that process,

they are developing a low self-concept.

They are squashing parts of their identity, parts of

themselves. They're learning to, like, be performative.

So when we are in these strategies of, you know,

making our connection, our warmth as

conditional. Now I have boundaries. Some you know, I teach

boundaries in in my workshops and things like that. And I say, like,

listen. I'm happy to help you as long as you're speaking kindly.

That is not necessarily, I'm gonna reject you until you're nice to

me. It's a it's a little bit more about my own personal self respect.

Like, You're struggling, and I wanna support you. And your feelings are

valid. But it's hard for me to support you when

you are screaming, I hate you.

So why don't you calm your body, and then let's try

again? And we'll we'll you know, I'm right here.

So We're staying in that attached space, but we're

not making our attachment, our love conditional, but we can set

boundaries. I'm gonna talk more about that next episode.

So when we are, you know, doing timeouts,

spankings, connection you know, keeping our connection

conditional, Ignoring our kids,

it ends up creating a

a child who is

trying to figure out how to get their needs met

through behavior. And so

they may then, You know, start people pleasing.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, mommy. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to you

know, plea plea are you mad at me? Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt

You know? Like, they kinda act this way, and that's just insecurity. Right? And

if that if they show up that way, you say, listen. I love you.

You're not everything is fine. You're safe. I'm not going

anywhere. Right? You reanchor back into attachment,

And then you validate, it's okay. It's okay that you behave that way.

Your feelings make sense. We need to work on this behavior,

But we're not going to use the

attachment as a Way

to control our children's behavior. We're going

to, You know, work

at reassuring our children that

their that the attachment, the safety, The unconditional

love that I have for them is never in question.

So when we have our kids And they are

expressing their feelings through behavior, and we're using

strategies to control that behavior. And we're

Squashing authenticity in order to,

control them or we're threatening attachment in order to

control them and and change their behavior, It does

have an effect. It turns into,

basically, not feeling like I'm okay at my core,

that that The the people in my life

who like, the love that people have and the willingness that

they have to care for me is conditional based on how I

behave. When you play that out into adulthood, it

can look like oh, even in elementary school, you can look like

perfectionism. Right? Not feeling safe enough to fail.

It can look on look like focusing on the way you look a

lot, you know, being really, that's, like, the root of eating

disorders and things like that and, like, you know, low self esteem and and worried

about how you look and how you you know, how people think of you, Can

also turn into, like like, people pleasing, but

also almost overcharming. Right? Because

It's all about, can I get the people in

my life to love and accept me? What can I do to

make that happen? If you don't believe it's unconditional

in your childhood, it's hard for you to believe it's gonna be

unconditional Outside of your if your mom and dad

make it conditional, what about people who don't even care about

you? It it creates an insecurity, a

core insecurity wound, and that's what we're trying

to avoid. It it can be, I gotta

attain wealth. I've gotta attain power. I can't show these this

anger. I can't I have to suppress my emotion. Otherwise, I will be

rejected. I will be abandoned. I will be neglected. I will

be, hurt. Right? What we want our

kids is to go through life. And, of course, when they're

young, they're testing. They're trying to figure out this. And so your

job as a parent is to reassure them. But they they're

we want them to get through, you know, these early

Elementary school. You know, preschool and elementary and middle school and, like, get

through life. And then show up on the threshold

of of adulthood As a person who

feels securely attached in their relationships with

their parent, that the love is not conditional, That the

safety, the security, the net underneath their life is

not going anywhere so that that they can take big risks and they

can, You know, like, work for their dreams

and overcome obstacles, all of those things you want for your kids.

And that they so at their core, they feel safe, and at their core, they

feel lovable. They feel worthy. That they don't think they

have to perform or show up in any particular way

in order to get people to like them.

Right? So when we have a

childhood, that is in this

conditional, You know, where authenticity

has to be squashed in order to

receive attachment or attachment feels

untenuous, then

we we create these strategies, and they almost become like they're part of our

personality. They get these these Strategies in childhood can get hardwired into

our nervous system, and then they just show up as as how we are.

But the problem is that The strategies can stop

working. Right? We can, like, achieve

great success, and it's never enough. Or

we finally look the way we think we should look, and we still

don't love ourselves. Or we have, you

know, a a a huge following of of thousands of people or whatever. We're a

big celebrity, and you see this, you know, and then the person still struggles with

drug addiction or suicidal tendencies and things like this.

So the truth is that these these strategies to that we

put into place as kids to, you know, get People who

love us so that we could feel loved and safe, they actually stop

working and also can show up in our bodies. Like, we get

sick. You know? We don't feel well. All of it.

And and so when you get to that place in

your life where you're like, well, You

know? Is this it? Like, what is this all there is?

I kinda talked about this on last week's episode about my own, you

know, Healing journey from my own experiences of childhood

trauma and how much I've had to really self

love, become The the

person that feels safe inside

and and loves myself, And that's the foundation of it. Right?

Like, I can just decide I'm worthy exactly as

I am, and it is not easy. Even saying it, I feel silly.

But that what all of our

deepest desires, right, is that we wanna be

acknowledged and loved and accepted. We don't

want our acceptance and our lovable

ness, our worthiness to be based on performance or

what other people think of us. And

so, of course, there's lots of strategies in in my programs and

Self help world to heal your inner child and heal heal yourself

and and all of those things. There's lots of episodes even in in the podcast

that I talked about this. What I'm talking about today

is really about what kind of, like,

parenting You wanna be doing in

order to prevent your child growing

up and then having to heal from their childhood. Right? That's what

so many of you say. Like, I just don't wanna fuck my kids up.

I hear you. Like, I get it. And you don't know

quite, like, am I doing it right? Am I not? What's happening? Like, you know,

it's scary. And so

When you're parenting your kids, I want you to be thinking

of how can you strengthen their Feeling of

attachment, their feeling of safety, and their

authentic self. So Let me give you

some some tips, some strategies. I'll give you some more next week. But

when your child is Feeling

insecure, they're they're maybe, mommy, mommy, I'm so sorry. I

didn't mean it, and don't have don't be mad at me. And, you know, they're

acting that way or, You know, you get upset for a second, and you're

like, that's enough. Stop it. Right? You know, you show up in in a

reactive state or or you have to give them a consequence. Like, You

know what? I did say that if you, you know, that you could come with

us to, you know, the grocery store as long as you would tidy it

up you didn't tidy up, so you're not coming. Then,

you know, they get really upset, and they might be worried that you don't love

them. This is especially true with littler ones,

like, ages 3 to 6, and they really need to

be reassured. Listen. You're safe.

You're okay. I'm not mad at you. This

is just part of learning. This is just part of growing. I unconditionally

love and welcome you and want you

exactly as you are. You can make mistakes in this family. It's not a

problem. We wanna communicate to our kids.

Listen. I you can trust me. I'm the grown up. I can handle things.

I'm strong. I've got this. That's why

we don't really wanna, like, dump a lot of, like, oh my god. You kids

are driving me crazy. This I can't handle this. Like, We don't really wanna

bring a lot of that energy to our parenting because

it it it makes our kids feel like, uh-oh. There's no grown ups

around. I'm not safe, and then they might

develop strategies to make themselves feel safe. And some of

those strategies Might be healthy in the short term, but not healthy in the long

term. So we kinda wanna have this internalized,

Like, leadership inside of us, like, I've got it. You're in

good hands. I'm the adult. You're safe. No matter what happens, no

matter how you act, No matter what goes on in the world, I've got

you. You're okay. I can handle it. Right? So we

wanna hold that. We wanna Let them know that

for for that's for attachment. And then for authenticity,

being able to say, I unconditionally love, welcome, and want you.

Like, getting used to communicating it.

No matter how you feel, no matter how you act, no matter how you think,

honey, nothing you can do Can threaten my love

for you. I will always have your back.

Practice saying it out loud. You wanna

communicate to your child that they don't have to do anything

or be different to win love or to win security,

That nothing they do can ever threaten the relationship you have.

You're not going anywhere. Your love is not going anywhere. Your

care is not going anywhere. I think of it sometimes, like, unconditional love is

easy. Unconditional acceptance is hard. So it's

like, how can you communicate? I unconditionally accept you.

And the way we do that in my programs is we validate emotion.

We say your feelings make sense. Your behavior isn't working.

So we're not giving you're not giving in. It's not not permissive parenting.

We are saying you have permission to

have these feelings. You have permission

to express these emotions. The way you're doing it right now by

hitting, kicking, punching, you know, doing all these behaviors, Spitting, yelling, mommy,

I hate you. All this. That is not the healthiest way to

express these emotions. We there are better ways, and I'm gonna teach you

how. But the feeling makes sense. Your feeling is valid,

and we're gonna make it safe for our kids to be

vulnerable. And I want you to remember that their behavior

is their expression of their emotion. So

we're validating your emotion makes sense. Your behavior needs work.

Okay? Because the behavior is a strategy. So when

you do When you do these things, right,

you can you can end up falling into the permissive parenting

trap, and there's a lot in, parenting

right now of a a little bit of a backlash about compassionate

parenting. And I I want you to know, like, if you're following

along with my program and you're, you know, implementing limits and and

you're learning, like, the way that I talk about consequences, We're not airing

we're not going to permissive parenting in this in like, you're not at

risk of that if you, you know, follow along with what I teach you because

I do have connection on one side and correction on the other. So

we're, validating the emotion. We're we're

allowing for internalized security. We're letting our kids know you're

safe. Your your feelings matter. Your feelings are valid, and

your behavior is my job to help you figure out better ways to communicate

Your feelings, better ways to cope. You don't

have to, you know, people please or be aggressive

or any of these other strategies. And so if

so those are the things I want you to be doing is just really, like,

communicating you're safe, Communicating, you

can't threaten this relationship. There's nothing you can

do to make me love or accept you less. I'm

not going anywhere. I've got your back. Practicing those things

and then validating that emotion. Feelings make sense. Behavior

needs work. I've just made that up, but I kinda like it. Like,

if if your behavior needs work. It's like I don't

know. Kind of is a little bit hopeful For me to think about it that

way, it's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Of course, you're behaving that way, but, like,

let's work on it. Like, a little bit more loose about it, a little less

tight, a little bit less fear, a little less Anxious. Right? Just like, yeah. I

know. That's how you're showing up right now, but I'm not worried. You're gonna, like,

you're gonna learn. You're little. You're growing. Even with my, like, 20 year old, I'm

like, Oh, he's not quite 20. He's 19. But I'm like, no, bud.

No. You've got plenty of time. Like, this is fine. No problem. We're gonna

figure it out. Like, what's going on? Why are you acting this way? Okay. Great.

Your feelings are totally valid. They all make sense. All these strategies make sense. Let's

do new strategies. So much more loving

and welcoming and kind. Now if you're

if you're learning this type of parenting, and you didn't

come from a family where

attachment was secure and authenticity was secure,

You probably feel a little bit out of, like

like, your your depth. Right? You're like, you're not sure what to do. Because

you're in the process of breaking toxic parenting cycles, you're

in the process of recovering your own authenticity. You're

in the process of developing internalized security,

and that is beautiful. Beautiful.

It is amazing. Look at you. You're, like, you

know, Reparenting yourself. You're breaking cycles. It's

incredible. But you probably need support.

You probably need some modeling. You need some guidance.

So I strongly recommend that you,

you know, do, Sign up

for my programs. The emotionally healthy kids class starts January 18th. It's a

6 week program. I teach you how to calm yourself, How do

you emotionally coach your kids validating their emotions, how to set

boundaries, we call that limit set, and then how to follow through with consequences

that aren't painful. I I go through the class

in the 6 weeks. Like, we cover the basics, the foundations, and

then you have 4 months to work with me in the call mama club.

That's my membership, and you get, like, a taste of that. You get to be

in there for 4 months, and you get to book private sessions with me every

week, 15 minutes. We have group chats. Like, you know,

there's community. There's an online portal. There's email support. There's lots and

lots of support. So you're in with me for 6 weeks, and then we stick

together for a couple months to just let it all settle. And

then you can just stay in the club. Like, your,

membership ends, and then I ask you if you wanna stay. And if you love

it, you stay. It's $500 for the year. So the class is 500.

It includes the, the 6 week course and the 4

months in the club. And there's a payment

plan if you need it, and I'm here for you. And you get to learn

these tools because that's the thing I'm really focused on is, like,

actual strategies, actual scripts, Actual

process. And then you can ask me questions in those sessions,

either they're in the group or in the privates where you're like, okay. This is

my problem. Let's solve it, and then we solve it. That's beautiful. I love

it. I love the program so much. I love every mama and and

dad that comes through and The relationships that are built within the

program, it's really incredible. So if you're in

to developing and raising emotionally healthy

kids, Keep listening to the podcast.

This week, your takes takeaway are how can I strengthen attachment

here? How can I strengthen security? And then how can

I strengthen authenticity? So these are your

takeaways. And, but if you if you're just loving it and

you're like, yeah. No. I love everything How well, everything you teach, like, let's let's

get together. Let's, you know, join one of my programs. Let's build this

relationship and, and grow your family. It's It's

incredible. I love it. I love it. Love it. Love it. Okay. So if you're

listening to this as the podcast comes out, happy New Year.

Parenting 101, the basics. We did

it. Authenticity, attachment, strengthen those,

and Push those into the new year. You know, people love words of the

year. Maybe that's what you wanna pick. Maybe you wanna pick authenticity.

Maybe you wanna pick attachment. My word for the year It's internalized

security. It's basically attachment within myself. That's what I'm

working on in 2024. I'm healing some of

that insecure attachment. So that's what I'm about. And

if you wanna be about that, I you know? That's cool. It's

great. So have a great week. Happy New Year,

and I will catch you next