Welcome to the Mother-Daughter Relationship. Show the podcast for mothers and daughters who want to build stronger bonds, deepen their understanding and transform their relationships. I'm your host, Brittany Scott, licensed therapist and mother-daughter relationship coach. After years of working with hundreds of daughters. And mothers. I've developed strategies that help break generational patterns, heal wounds, and create the loving relationships you've always wanted. Each week I'll be sharing insights from real clients, expert interviews and practical tools you can use immediately to improve your mother-daughter dynamic. Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, navigating major life transitions, or simply wanna take your already good relationship to the next level. The show is for you. And yes, the transformation I guide my clients through can be yours too. I'll share more about how you can work with me. It's time to experience the relationship you both deserve. Are you ready? Let's dive in. Hey, and welcome back to the show. It's your host, Brittany. In this episode, we're gonna talk about boundaries, but I've got a different angle. Some months back I saw a post on threads on social media, and I saved it because I knew I wanted to come back to it. Just didn't know when I'd get there. But I'm gonna start by reading the post. And then we're gonna talk about it. I thought it was interesting and that, it make for a good episode. So here we go. The post says this might be a hot take, but I think the North American therapist needs to understand that setting boundaries, and that's put in quotes with parents as a child of an immigrant family. It has much bigger consequences than it does for the average American kid. Yes, sometimes the inherent enmeshment that's acceptable in many cultures isn't healthy, but what you're asking of that child to do is something that will turn their entire life upside down. change and sacrifice are necessary to facilitate improvement. But if you don't already have a community and a life outside of your cultural community, setting those boundaries will isolate you beyond comprehension and completely cut you off from every support system you've ever known. Therapists need to take cultural context into consideration and offer alternatives to people for whom setting boundaries isn't an option rather than pushing the setting. Boundaries is always an option solution. I've known people who set those boundaries and lived a healthier life by therapy standards, but ultimately suffered from a deep depression that they never recovered from because they weren't able to form connections outside of their cultural community that felt meaningful and their connections with their family never fully recovered. I'm not saying that it should never be done, just that it needs to be treated with care and not pushed as the absolute only solution. Okay. I thought this was very important to talk about because on one hand, this post is absolutely right. Cultural competency matters when helping a client. To set boundaries or to heal through their trauma because their culture absolutely played a role in that. And it will play a role in what their life looks like moving forward. But on the other hand, I think this person has a very narrowed view of what setting boundaries means, because when I read this post, what it sounds like they're talking about is estrangement, and setting boundaries does not mean that you have to be estranged from your family, from your mother, or from your parents in general. So in the US the culture is very individualistic and set up for the nuclear family. It is not set up for villages and cultures and groups of people supporting one another. This country is set up for mom, dad, children, or the individual family. Everything else is considered extended family or outside of the family unit, and that is how things play out here. That can sometimes make it easy to set boundaries because we already view everything from an individualistic lens that other cultures don't do, in other parts of the world, they have a more collectivist View, and more community focused. It's the collective, what's good for the group of people, not good for the individual person. And it's completely opposite of what happens in the us. So the idea of setting boundaries makes it harder. And it also looks different like our worlds are not the same. And so when we talk about. Setting boundaries or even talk about estrangement, which is like all the way to the end of setting boundaries, you're completely walking away. I can see how if the therapist does not understand culture, that they're pushing you to do something that just inherently does not happen in your culture and would completely isolate the person that the therapist is trying to help. Which would be the opposite of helping, because when you're trying to heal a relational wound, you need relationships to do that. You cannot heal a relational wound in isolation, which depending on the culture being estranged or setting very severe or strict boundaries would create isolation, which in turn would create more harm. And so this actually would not be helpful by any means. It would cause more harm to this individual, to the client that's trying to get help. But on the other hand, setting boundaries does not immediately equal estrangement there's a huge spectrum that got skipped over from this person's post about setting boundaries and went straight to. Estrangement or icing out family or removing yourself from situations, and that's not what boundaries needs to be. Boundaries can be very healthy and help a relationship to grow stronger and closer, and to be healthier, more joyful. Boundaries are a good thing, and when done correctly not have to mean estrangement and not have to mean isolation. Let's talk about what some of that can look like and how this can be done in cultures that have a collectivist mindset where it's the good of everybody. How can you stay within this collective if estrangement really isn't possible in your culture? Or if estrangement is not something that you want. It's not what you're striving for, it doesn't feel good to even think about. You want to remain in your family. What does that look like and how can you successfully set boundaries to make that happen so that way you feel good remaining a part of this unit? First, I want you to remember that boundaries are limits that you create that keep you safe and help you get your needs met. It's just a limit. It does not need to be a fortress. It does not need to be a cement wall that keeps everybody out. It's just a simple limit that helps you get your needs met and keeps you safe. Also, another way that I like to describe boundaries, when you want to be in relationships with people, so the family member or your mother or whoever we're talking about, that you don't want to be estranged from. Then you're gonna create healthy limits that help you to remain in that relationship, but keeps you safe and get your needs met. So you're gonna think of it as a way of what needs to be in place for you to say yes. So example, they want you to come home for Christmas. You maybe don't really want to, but you're going to because it's tradition. It's what you've always done, and you're not really ready to break that yet. Maybe you want to, but you don't know how to, or you're just not ready to, so you're gonna go home for Christmas. So what needs to be in place for you to say yes? Okay, mom, I will come home for Christmas, but fill in the blank. Okay? I am gonna come home for Christmas, but I am going to leave the day after. I am gonna come home for Christmas, but I don't know, you fill in the blank. You know what you need. You have to decide what you need. So boundaries are not a super rigid thing. They're not an all or nothing thing, and there are things that can change at any point if you decide or determine that your needs change. Or that what you thought you needed isn't actually what you need and you need or want something different. At that point, you can always change your mind, so you don't have to go straight to estrangement in order to get your needs met. Maybe around the holidays, you don't wanna stay at your parents' house, so you're going to get a hotel. That way you have a place to relax and unwind at night, and you don't have to do it in their home. Maybe that's your limit. I'm coming home for Christmas, but this year I'm getting a hotel. Great. You're gonna be there all day. You're gonna do all of the holiday traditions. You're gonna be in the kitchen, help you making food. You're gonna be there to celebrate and have a great time, but at the end of the night, you're gonna go back to your hotel room so that way you can recharge and unwind and relax in a way that feels good for you. And maybe that means being completely alone. This is just an idea, but it's a way that you can keep. Yourself at the forefront of knowing I can take care of myself and still show up and, and, I can still take care of myself first and make her happy for the holidays, whatever it is that you're attempting to do, your boundaries do not need to be rigid. They can be fluid and they can take care of you as well. Okay, so those were a couple holiday specific ones. So it, with the holidays coming up, and maybe that's something you're worrying about, give that some thought for yourself. What needs to be in place for you to say yes? What are your limits around the holidays? What's going to keep you safe while also maybe meeting expectations or continuing family traditions that you are not ready to break. Let's shift gears to maybe daily things and regular everyday practices. Maybe you have a mom that calls you every day or multiple times a week. And that for you is overwhelming because you don't know what to talk about or you don't really have much to talk about. Or being on the phone is not how you recharge and you would rather not. You can create time limits and boundaries around time. You can be happy to take the call and find a natural cutoff point. You can state the cutoff point. Hey mommy, I'm so glad that you called, but right now I've got like 20 minutes to talk. What if you set that up front? What if you set the expectation while being excited to take the call? And that way, now you don't have to worry about when the call will end or how long it will go on for, or what she's going to talk about. That's just going to keep you tied to the phone. What if you set the limit upfront? Hey, I'm glad you called. I've only got 20 minutes, but I could call you later if you wanted. This can sound however you need it to sound, but it can also take care of you. You can accept the call and put a time limit on the call. You can be busy, you can have other things to do, but you can still be excited about accepting the call and not be tied to the phone for however long she wants call to go on. Those are just some examples of how boundaries can sound or how small they can be in order to help you feel good in these relationships. The last piece of advice on this that I would recommend is to also find a therapist or a coach that is from or represents your culture, because then there is. This, teaching of your culture or making sure they understand your culture, that you won't even have to go through. They'll already get it. You shouldn't have to ostracize yourself from your family or cut off your family. Knowing that means that you will lose your community if that's not something that's good for you. If cutting off your mom means you lose access to your siblings and your dad, why would you make that decision? That sounds very lonely and very sad and hard to do and be a part of. If you in turn are going to be alone, if you don't have a family that you have created for yourself, if you don't have another community to fall into, the other option shouldn't be that you are alone. If there's a way for you to create other boundaries that aren't to be estranged or to cut people off or be ostracized, then you should start there. You should never have to go all the way to the other end and cut people off or walk away from a relationship. That would mean you walk away from everybody and everything you've ever known. That's not healthy, and that sounds very lonely and very sad. So choose the steps and take baby steps in a direction that's gonna help you to feel safe. Don't ever jump to something so far off because somebody else suggested it. Just because the therapist says you should do this, doesn't mean that they're right. And it also doesn't mean that they understand your culture. So take your culture into account. When you're thinking about what your boundaries can look or sound like, make sure that you're thinking about how you can stay safe and get your needs met and what needs to be in place for you to say yes. And now on the other side of this, if you are the person that. Can't walk away. Maybe you want to, but you know, that's not, that doesn't happen in your culture. That doesn't happen where you come from or where your, your parents come from, or you know, wherever in your life, like, wherever, whatever your culture is. If that's not something that happens since you can't do it, you can be the first one in your family to create. A healthier structure for the people that come after you. So if you choose to have children, you can allow them to set boundaries with you. You can create healthier dynamics for the family and the line that comes from you or comes after you. You can create healthier relationships with nieces and nephews if you have them. Just because you can't do it doesn't mean that you can't create it for the next generation. Boundaries are not a one size fits all. There's not a single boundary that every person should have and that every person should set, and no therapist or coach should be telling you what your boundaries should be. They should be helping you to process what your needs are and then helping you decide how you get them met or how you want to get them met. And then the therapist can help you to brainstorm what enforcing that boundary looks like and can sound like. But they shouldn't tell you what your boundary should be. They shouldn't tell you that you should be estranged from your family. They can say that, you know, maybe it'd be safer if you weren't. But that decision is. Completely up to you on your timeline when you're ready for it, and how you want it to look, not anyone else's. So just remember what boundaries are, that there are limits that you set to keep yourself safe, to get your needs met, and for how you create healthy and happy relationships. How you can grow closer to people and how you can keep relationships on a steady like. Trajectory, making sure that they're safe and not harmful. They are what needs to be in place for you to say yes, they are how you keep yourself happy inside of relationships. They are how you keep yourself on the right path and remain disciplined to reach your goals. Like boundaries are good things. They do not have to be negative. Or mean or hurtful things. They're, they're good for everybody and for every relationship. So let yours remain fluid. Let them change when they need to. Let them, let them be strict when they need to be, and then smaller when they don't need to be so strict and. Let them flow with the relationship and how the relationship looks and what the dynamics are today, because what's happening today may not be what happens in five years. So give yourself permission to change your mind and to pivot and to adjust when you need to. They're your boundaries. They're your relationships, and you're the one that has to live in them. You're the one that has to be a part of them, and you're the one that has to show up and participate, not your therapist, not your coach, not your best friend. Only you. So you are the one who should be deciding what this looks like and with the help of somebody processing what this might feel like, how it felt to try and set that boundary, what enforcement might look like and what grief or shame or guilt, or any other emotion. Comes up while you are on the path of setting boundaries and while you're learning what this means for you and how it sounds coming out of your mouth, but you don't have to look to anyone else to tell you what to do or to help you do something that you don't actually wanna do. That's all I have for you for today. I thought this was important to talk about since I talk about boundaries so much. I hope that I have previously done a great job of explaining him and knowing that this is a spectrum. Setting a boundary does not mean cutting off. Now, cutting off is a boundary, but it's one kind of boundary, and it's one of the extreme boundaries that we are able to set. We're completely telling somebody, I am no longer a part of your life. You're no longer a part of mine. It doesn't really get more extreme than that, but boundaries don't have to be that extreme. Sometimes they're very small and sometimes they're more about us, like a tied boundary telling yourself, Nope, after 7:00 PM I'm not gonna doom squirrel. Social media, it's not good for my sleep. It's not good for my brain, and it's not good for me to take in all this information right before I'm trying to go to sleep. So a boundary that I have with myself is after 7:00 PM I'm done with my phone, I can read a book, I can maybe watch tv. I can interact with my family, whatever that looks like for you. But you can also set boundaries with yourself to keep yourself disciplined and feeling good and taking care of your own mental health. I will catch you guys in the next one. Thank you for being here and being a listener. That's all for today's episode of the Mother-Daughter Relationship Show. Thanks so much for spending this time with me. I hope you picked up some valuable insights that you can start using right away in your own relationship to create deeper connection and understanding. If something from today's episode resonated with you, don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the mother or daughter in your life who needs to hear this message. And while you're at it, please consider leaving a rating. And review so we can reach more families and transform the way mothers and daughters relate to each other. For those ready to take the next step, you can visit my website to learn more about my private coaching programs and my program designed specifically for mother-daughter pairs. Whether you're dealing with communication challenges, life transitions, or just wanna strengthen an already good relationship, I'm here to help. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you in the next one.