Hello everyone, my name is Claudia Mitura and welcome back to the Happiness Challenge, the podcast all about the science of happiness.

In episode 156, Braving the Hard Talks, I had the pleasure to talk to Chris Wong, an executive coach, about the importance of difficult conversations to create more happiness in our relationships.

In episode 157, Building Bridges, I've shared a guide for navigating tough conversations.

And in this final part three, Turning Tension into Trust, I share my reflections and some practical tips on how to strengthen our relationships after having the hard talk, let's dive in.

So I guess my key reflection is that difficult conversations always will be difficult because they are uncertain.

We cannot predict 100% of how they're going to turn out and some will get us the outcome we are after, some may leave us feeling deflated.

I personally feel more confident at having difficult conversations at work because mainly I think it's mainly because there is set of boundaries or ground rules to follow within professional settings, whilst when it comes to friends or family those ground rules are less obvious.

And often, let's be honest, my own emotions get in the way.

So I often need to emotionally digest something first before I jump into the difficult conversations with loved ones and I really need to stick to that.

I also think we often feel and think about the difficult conversation as an one event that I had a conversation great, done and dusted, everything is amazing now but but difficult conversation is really a process.

It might be a series of conversations, it might be series of actions that happen afterwards that will contribute and really determine whether the conversation will be successful or not.

So for example at work I may have a conversation with a colleague about their performance and if we don't have a clear plan what to do next, then the conversation won't be successful and it won't have the impact that we are after because we had the conversation but there are no clear actions to take.

Similarly, we might have a difficult conversation with our partner and if afterwards we continuing as normal, we're not acting upon each other requests of what we have agreed, then again we probably will have the same conversation again in the future, thinking we arguing about the same thing over and over again, nothing changes.

That's because we haven't taken certain actions afterwards.

So that's why in the short episode I decided to really reflect on three strategies that can help us to capitalize on those difficult conversations.

So we have a conversation but we're treating it as a process that is afterwards we taking certain actions to maximize their effect to create more happiness in our Relationships.

So my three tips to strengthen our relationship after a difficult conversation, whether at work and in personal life, are the following.

First of all, agree on next steps.

So after a conversation, create a clear action plan to ensure progress.

I know this sounds really formal but, but it is really I think necessary to ensure that the difficult conversation actually will be successful.

So at work this might involve setting a specific tasks, follow up meeting, sending a follow up email.

For personal relationships it might be as simple as okay, so next time when this happens, this is what we're going to do or having a simple agreement that okay, I really appreciate if going forward you could do X, Y and Z.

So again it might be as simple as couple of sentences, but we have an agreement that we have actionable steps that we both taking to avoid similar conflicts and improve communication.

Tip number two is about spending quality time together afterwards.

So this is about rebuilding that connection by focusing on shared experiences.

So we had the difficult conversation.

Yes, it was difficult.

So it won't be as 100% pleasant as we know from experience.

So next step, let's rebuild connection by focusing on our shared experiences.

At work this might be chatting about non work topics or grabbing a coffee to reconnect on that colleague level.

In a personal life, it's about prioritizing some fun activities or meaningful moments to remind each other why the relationship matters to us.

So for a partner it might be that we go for a nice date night.

For a friend it might be that we do something that we love doing together.

It doesn't matter what it is, it doesn't matter how long this activity will last.

But the idea is that we reminding ourselves and each other that this is why I love you, this is why you are my friend.

This is what matters.

I think often I definitely in the past made the mistake that I had a difficult conversation, let's say with a friend and then we haven't seen each other forever for some time and then we saw each other.

It is awkward because we had the difficult conversation.

There were no positive emotions to follow afterwards.

So I think this is very much a must.

Similarly with the partner, it's easy to have a difficult conversation and then got caught up in our day to day life of daily commitments rather than spending even 10, 15 minutes on doing something that we love together and really building that connection.

Tip number three is about concentrating on positive qualities of another person.

So in the difficult conversations probably we thought about things that are not going well.

So now what we're trying to do is to shift the focus to each other's.

Strengths and positive traits.

So at work this could be giving someone a positive feedback and recognizing colleagues contributions out loud.

This is a technique called strength spotting.

So telling or sharing with our colleague.

I see you at your best when you do this or I really appreciate your contribution to this project because of X, Y and Z.

And in personal relationships, it's expressing appreciation by doing something kind towards our partner or for our friend.

It might be that we share something that we admire about our friend, partner, friend or family member.

Maybe we send them a really lovely text message, maybe even we send them a nice letter.

Or maybe we we do a random act of kindness or share a small gift.

It is very much about appreciating the person and really sharing and recognize the things that we truly love about them.

And doing that out loud and doing that after difficult conversations so the person feels loved, valued and respected.

So I know that we are speaking about difficult conversations and how they ensure we create that stronger emotional bond.

But research also shows that the way we respond to people positive news is also crucial to happiness of our relationships.

So imagine that someone you care about, your partner, best friend, family member, a good colleague at work comes to you with some amazing news and maybe they got a promotion, maybe they aced an exam, maybe they finally hit a big personal goal they really cared about.

Now here is the thing, how you respond in that moment really matters.

So you could give a quick that's great, a nod and move on.

But research shows that your reaction can actually make a huge difference in how they feel and how your relationship will be successful in the future.

So psychologists have defined four ways we typically respond to good news.

There is the passive destructive response where you ignore it or you change the subject, such as, oh, you know what, that's all great, but you won't believe what happened to me today.

Or funny you say that, but the other day I was talking to Saul and they said this.

Then there is active destructive response where you focus on the negative of that positive news.

So you may say, oh, the promotion will probably mean that you'll be more stressful.

The next one is passive constructive response.

So it's supportive but low level.

So it's polite, it's congratulations, well done, that's nice, that's great.

But the real game changer is the active constructive response.

This is where you light up, celebrate with the person and make their moment feel as big as it truly is.

So it's saying things like, wow, that's incredible, you work so hard for this.

I'm so proud of you.

When you respond in this way, it's not just about making them feel good.

It very much strengthens your bond, builds trust and deepens your connection.

So researcher Gabo and her colleagues show that how you respond to someone good news can matter even more for your relationships than how you handle the bad news and the tough times.

So next time, when a loved one shares something amazing with you, make it count.

Celebrate like it is your own win.

Because in a way it kind of is.

And I must say I have a pleasure to experience this firsthand recently where with my book the Alphabet of Happiness which is being published on 30th of September and pre orders are being live right now and it is a massive achievement for me.

It's something that like I still don't believe it's happening.

It feels like a dream to see my name on Amazon and it's just incredible.

And I was very lucky that majority of the responses I got were that active, constructive response.

People made me feel so special, made me feel happier.

With the book coming out soon, they were excited for me.

They told me how proud they were.

They told me about any of my strengths that contributed to writing the book.

And it really made the difference.

It really made the difference.

It was really a big contrast with some odd comments I got when they were much more passive.

When people change the topic and start topic talking about someone else's who wrote a book or they also were concentrating on the fact that this might be stressful for me.

But really majority of the comments I got were just incredible.

I experienced this model firsthand without really understanding that.

And then as a preparation for this podcast I researched this specific model and I was like wow, this actually truly happens and it truly matters.

So thank you again for listening everyone.

I really hope that you got inspired by with some of the shared tips for other insights on Sense of happiness.

As always, please follow me on LinkedIn.

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I hope to see you at the next month topic and in meantime, as always, I dare you to be happy.

Bye.