[00:00:00] Knowledge is power, and we are all about empowering the mamas of the world. In each episode, we will unravel and interpret the latest research and evidence based practices for pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood. As mums and researchers ourselves, we have experienced firsthand the overwhelming complexity of information, myths, and those classic old wives tales.

[00:00:27] I'm Dr. Renee White, and this is The Science of Motherhood. Hello and welcome to episode 153 of the Science of Motherhood. I am your host, Dr. Renee White. Thank you so much for joining me today. Boy, oh boy, we are T minus, what is it? What's 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th. Was it eight days? Eight days until Christmas.

[00:00:52] Oh my goodness, and that is the subject of today's check in Tuesday episode. We are going to be talking about how to set boundaries with your family at holiday gatherings. Now, this is something that comes up time and time again, particularly with our families that we support with in home doula care here across Australia.

[00:01:17] It's a conversation that I think you could adapt to year long but it does crop up more and more often with our families around this time of year because people get together and mamas are tired and you know you just want to protect your baby's space and your space and your mental space all at the same time.

[00:01:45] And I can tell you as someone who had a four month old around the Christmas period, it was that juggle of like, how are we going to do this? Are we going to other people's houses? Are we traveling? Are we not traveling? What if I feel like rubbish? What if we've had a tough night. All of those things. So I have decided today's episode, we are going to walk through a couple of key areas.

[00:02:13] We're going to navigate how you can feel confident and empowered with some decision making, and I have also popped in one of our freebies I have formulated, because I think that this is key, a communication that you can send out to your friends and family in advance, to kind of just set the tone. If you are interested in delving into that into downloading that head over to our website ifillyourcup.com and go to our freebie section, it will be there as a free download for you. It will also be in the show notes in in the podcast. So let's dive into today's check in Tuesday episode. Now, as I said, the holidays. They are a time for joy and togetherness, but let's be real, sometimes a whole lot of stress, especially if you are pregnant or you're looking after a newborn, you just had your bubby.

[00:03:19] Between unsolicited advice, you've got heaps of parties and gatherings. Everyone wanting to hold the baby. It can feel like you're managing more than your fair share of holiday kind of cheer and excitement. So as a new or expectant mama, you have the right to prioritise your wellbeing. Let me just give you that permission right now, through your headphones, wherever you're listening to this, here is your permission.

[00:03:50] You have the, absolute permission to prioritise your well being and your babies as well. So setting boundaries, I have to say, isn't selfish. Okay. It's essential for your health, for your baby's comfort, for your sanity. So in today's episode, I am going to walk you through how you can feel confident at these family events and empowered as well because there's nothing worse than feeling cornered and going, oh my god, I can't believe so and so just said that or I don't know what to say or do or whatever it is. So, first off the bat, the first thing that we always talk about with our families is keep your baby close. Now let's address the elephant in the room.

[00:04:39] Everyone at the party is going to want to hold your baby. That's just what happens. They're like this, like little shiny disco ball and everyone wants a piece of them. And so while it might come from a place of love, the idea of your baby being passed around like a tray of canapes can feel very overwhelming and, for good reason. So obviously newborns have very delicate immune systems. They crave the comfort of their parents touch, and they typically just feel safe with us. Now in the first four weeks after you've birthed, our babies still think that they're inside our belly. So it is this huge time of adjustment.

[00:05:21] And then thereafter, you know, in that kind of six to 12 week mark, they are going to be a little bit unsettled because they're like, Oh my goodness, I'm out in the real world and what does this look like? And my safe space is mum and dad or mum and mum or dad and dad. So here's how you're going to handle it. My number one piece of advice, get a baby carrier.

[00:05:44] But so many people like, Oh, really? I'm like, yeah, think about it logistically. So not only does it keep your baby snug and secure, but it also creates a really polite physical barrier and people are less likely to ask to hold bubby when they see how peaceful and snoozy they are in the carrier. So you can practice a few kind of confident and yet kind responses if someone asks. So you could say something like, thanks for offering, but we're keeping them close today, it works best for us right now. Or we're keeping babies snuggled up for their comfort, maybe next time. Okay. So that's number one, keeping your baby close. Number two, managing unsolicited opinions with grace, but a little bit of sass as well, because that's what we do here at Fill Your Cup. Now, everyone seems to have advice for new parents. Surprise! Um, whether you ask for it or not. So, you know, Beryl, Aunty Beryl's thoughts on sleep training or Grandma's insistence on giving your baby a bottle might not align with your parenting philosophy and values.

[00:07:00] Um, and guess what? That's okay. That's okay, guys. And so here's some tips of how you're going to handle it. So go to phrases to deflect opinions. Here we go, got your pen and paper. Thanks for sharing we've got it covered, I appreciate your concern. The other thing you could say is, that's interesting. I'll keep it in mind if we need it.

[00:07:25] Now, if someone is very persistent, feel free to politely disengage. Okay. This might be something where you want to have a conversation with your partner in advance. If there's that one person who's going to be at the party. And so one tip could be saying every baby is different and we found what works for us right now. Okay. So just remember their opinions don't have to dictate your choices. You're the expert on your baby. All right. And you are also allowed to change your mind in two months, three weeks, five days, whatever it looks like. So just because so and so said X and you didn't kind of align with it then, you can change your mind if that, if that works for your family.

[00:08:13] Number three, create time for rest. This can be a very, very busy period. You know, holidays can be long and loud and exhausting, uh, gatherings, especially for a tired mama and bubby. So it's okay to take breaks or bow out early. Again, have a conversation with your partner. What does that look like? Do you need a safe word, you know, or, you know, Just kind of touch base with one another and check in and go, how are you going? You know, do you need to kind of have like some quiet time or something like that? So here's how to handle it. Scope out a quiet space when you arrive at the location where you can retreat, feeding or changing or just simply catching your breath, you know, taking a moment for yourself. Schedule rest into your day.

[00:09:03] So communicate your needs ahead of the time, with the host of the person who's kind of, you know, hosting the party and also your partner. So you might say to them, look, we'll join you for lunch, but we'll need to leave by three for the baby's nap and mine, P. S. Additionally, if you are hosting, give yourself permission to step away during the gathering. You know, guests can handle themselves for a few minutes. It's your house. It's your rules. You dictate how it is going to go. All right. So here is your permission to take time to rest. Number four, say no or cancel without feeling guilty. Again, here is your permission, I am giving it to you through your ears to say no or cancel.

[00:09:55] Now, sometimes the best decision for your mental health and your baby's comfort is to skip the gathering altogether. All right. You don't owe anyone an explanation beyond what feels right for you. So here's how you're going to handle it. Be upfront, but be kind. We're focusing on rest this year, so we won't be able to join. Have a wonderful time. Or you might say something like, thanks for the invite, we're keeping things simple this holiday season, you know, we'd love to catch up soon. Alternatively, if you've RSVP'd and you need to cancel on the last minute, that's okay too, all right. Like, people understand you've got a new baby, Things are a little bit different.

[00:10:39] You're juggling like, you know, what life looks like. So you might say something like, um, I hate to miss out, but we're feeling a little overwhelmed today. Thanks for your understanding. So what I want you to remember is that your energy is really precious okay mama, you need to protect it. Easily because you have just grown a human being. Okay. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to say no, and it's okay to rest. So put yourself first. All right. Cause you don't want the compound effect of being the people pleaser who always says yes at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical recovery. And number five, trust your intuition. Now at the end of the day, you know what's best for your baby and yourself.

[00:11:28] So if something doesn't feel right, whether it's a crowded room, or like an unwell relative, or like, you know, someone's lingering around you and kind of just won't take the hint, you have the right to move on and make adjustments. So, you know, you just maybe, you know, There's a few things that you could say to yourself and like affirm to yourself before you even get to the party, you know, my baby's needs come first, or I'm allowed to prioritise my comfort, or I don't need to justify my decisions to anyone.

[00:12:00] That is a big one. You don't need to justify your decisions and how you parent. to anyone. Okay. It's not their family. It's yours. So all in all, as a wrap up, the first one, keep your baby close. Second, managing unsolicited opinions with grace and a little bit of sass. Create time for rest. Number four, say no or cancel without guilt.

[00:12:29] And number five, trust your intuition. Now, the holiday period is supposed to be full of love and joy and spending time with family, but you need to take care of yourself as well. Okay. So by setting these boundaries, you really create a foundation for more happy and meaningful gatherings. You know, for you and your baby and everyone else.

[00:12:58] Don't do what I did and like completely lost their mind at Christmas time because you were too busy trying to entertain everyone and people please everyone and it ends up in a big pickle. I'll give you the tip. Don't do it. So what I would love for you to do is this year redefine what holiday traditions with kindness, confidence, and a healthy dose of boundaries means to you because you absolutely deserve it.

[00:13:30] Again, if you're looking for more tips on how to navigate motherhood, feel free to download our free quickie guide to postpartum preparation. It has got I think it's like 40, 50 pages of fantastic information around how to support yourself during the fourth trimester. We've got things on sleep, nutrition, recipes, having conversations with people, transitioning toddlers to becoming, you know, older brothers and sisters, and also download our free communication.

[00:14:06] It's something that's a quick template that you can, you know, amend to suit your family and what your needs are, that is in our freebie section on our website, ifillyourcup.com and then just hit freebies and it will be in there alongside our quickie guide. All right, hope you have a magical Christmas. I will see you on Christmas Eve for our guest episode, which is a very special one.

[00:14:36] I will see you later. Bye. If you loved this episode, please hit the subscribe button and leave a review. If you know someone out there who would also love to listen to this episode, please hit the share button so that you can benefit from it as well. You've just listened to another episode of the Science of Motherhood proudly presented by Fill Your Cup, Australia's first doula village, head to our website, ifillyourcup.com to learn more about our birth and postpartum doula offerings where every mother we pledge to be the steady hand that guides you back to yourself. Ensuring you feel nurtured, informed and empowered so you can fully embrace the joy of motherhood with confidence. Until next time, bye!