Speaker: 00:00:05

Welcome to Psychologically Speaking.

00:00:07,453 --> 00:00:20,528

Hi, I'm Leela Ainge and this is a podcast and blog all about human behaviour, bringing

together fascinating research insights and real life experiences.

00:00:20,608 --> 00:00:26,110

As a psychologist, I'll share how the spaces we live and work in shape who we are.

00:00:27,724 --> 00:00:39,246

This season, we're diving into the fascinating gap between intentions and actions, a

liminal space where plans meet spontaneity and exploring what it reveals about our

00:00:39,246 --> 00:00:40,438

identity.

00:00:42,338 --> 00:00:45,380

What stories do you tell yourself?

00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:57,729

Today, we're diving into something deeply personal and powerful, the stories we tell

ourselves and share with others and how they shape our identity, confidence, and even our

00:00:57,729 --> 00:00:59,230

sense of meaning.

00:01:01,044 --> 00:01:06,195

Arguably, we live in a world obsessed with transformation.

00:01:06,195 --> 00:01:18,229

You only have to look at social media feeds to see how it serves as endless stories from

weight loss to business success, relation glow ups to house renovations, more on that

00:01:18,229 --> 00:01:19,339

later.

00:01:19,519 --> 00:01:26,121

But what if the most transformational thing you can actually do is an act of self-love?

00:01:26,321 --> 00:01:30,772

And that's to be simply present with yourself as you are.

00:01:32,148 --> 00:01:41,604

Psychologically speaking, research shows that we naturally construct life stories to make

sense of our past, present and our future.

00:01:41,925 --> 00:01:53,753

And as social scientists, the language we use for metaphors and analogies is full of cues

about how we're making sense and meaning from the events in our life.

00:01:54,514 --> 00:01:59,998

Now, these stories often fall into two categories on social media.

00:02:00,172 --> 00:02:06,464

Redemption stories, so these are where hardship or adversity leads to growth and success.

00:02:06,685 --> 00:02:17,669

And contamination stories, bit of a weird phrase, but that's where negativity overshadows

what was once good, it's contaminating the narrative.

00:02:18,110 --> 00:02:19,570

And guess what?

00:02:19,891 --> 00:02:28,144

Studies show that people who frame their lives with redemption narratives tend to have

better wellbeing.

00:02:28,144 --> 00:02:31,504

and a stronger sense of purpose.

00:02:33,494 --> 00:02:37,818

In the coaching space, we use this as a prompt.

00:02:37,818 --> 00:02:44,003

So let me invite you to think of a moment in your life that felt like a setback.

00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:46,306

How would you reframe it?

00:02:46,306 --> 00:02:50,629

What's the positive moment hidden in that experience?

00:02:51,651 --> 00:03:00,128

And as an alternative, think about that setback and think how you might frame that as a

negative thing.

00:03:06,402 --> 00:03:18,487

Currently, I'm one of about 2.1 million people who follows an account on Instagram, which

is all about an abandoned home that is being renovated.

00:03:18,488 --> 00:03:24,990

Although renovation might not be the right word, the property has been partly demolished

and rebuilt.

00:03:25,511 --> 00:03:29,143

Don't get me wrong, I like to do a small amount of DIY.

00:03:29,143 --> 00:03:32,414

I've got a really old house that needs a lot of attention.

00:03:32,492 --> 00:03:36,825

But I have no real interest in 1970s architecture.

00:03:36,825 --> 00:03:38,256

This house is in America.

00:03:38,256 --> 00:03:45,610

They're using different tools, techniques, trades, and the house was built in a really

different way.

00:03:45,971 --> 00:03:48,613

But I am hooked.

00:03:48,613 --> 00:03:54,217

I'm hooked by the swing between the positive and negative story arcs.

00:03:54,217 --> 00:03:56,538

Watching progress unfold.

00:03:56,630 --> 00:04:04,056

And then seeing things take a dramatic sudden downturn, like when they were served a

notice to stop demolition.

00:04:04,497 --> 00:04:10,021

And this isn't just personal preference, because this is how storytelling works.

00:04:10,102 --> 00:04:14,626

The people using this account aren't just there to build a house.

00:04:14,626 --> 00:04:20,531

They're clearly creating a narrative as a content creator and storyteller, and they know

what works.

00:04:20,531 --> 00:04:22,572

They know how to hook us in.

00:04:23,573 --> 00:04:24,674

Maybe.

00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:29,841

You know someone who has told the same story a thousand times.

00:04:29,841 --> 00:04:32,603

Perhaps they've embellished it over the years.

00:04:32,603 --> 00:04:40,868

Crafting the punchline or key dramatic moment for maximum effect based on social cues and

reactions from friends and family.

00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:49,708

In a very similar way, social media shapes our stories because it creates this weird and

wonderful and complex space.

00:04:49,708 --> 00:04:54,941

where we're more likely to share what others have already liked, regardless of the

quality.

00:04:54,941 --> 00:04:57,182

That's quite interesting, isn't it?

00:04:57,182 --> 00:04:58,413

And I find it quite curious.

00:04:58,413 --> 00:05:01,464

That research was done in 2020.

00:05:01,464 --> 00:05:10,509

So what we do know is that what you do get served and what is successful doesn't

necessarily have to be perfect.

00:05:10,509 --> 00:05:12,390

Hold on to that thought.

00:05:13,151 --> 00:05:14,491

And algorithms?

00:05:14,491 --> 00:05:19,614

Well, of course they shape our engagements in ways that we don't even realise.

00:05:19,842 --> 00:05:30,707

from the subtle and the not so subtle, we've far less control over that aspect of social

media, but we do know, we're very aware as consumers that social media is orchestrated in

00:05:30,707 --> 00:05:32,007

some ways.

00:05:33,048 --> 00:05:44,613

One of my past podcast episodes, The Impostor Phenomenon, explored how social media

creates a context collapse where we struggle to define our audiences and we start second

00:05:44,613 --> 00:05:46,574

guessing our own stories.

00:05:46,838 --> 00:05:51,710

If you haven't listened to episodes one and two yet, I highly recommend checking those

out.

00:05:54,316 --> 00:06:07,253

Research also shows that likes on posts really influence how quickly you might post again

and how successful you feel once you put a post out into social media.

00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:13,637

In short, our online stories don't just reflect reality, they're starting to shape it.

00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:18,299

So today's second coaching prompt sounds like this.

00:06:18,780 --> 00:06:22,958

Where in your life are you holding back because you're waiting for the

00:06:22,958 --> 00:06:25,004

Perfect story.

00:06:25,287 --> 00:06:29,581

What if you shared something before you had it all figured out?

00:06:35,532 --> 00:06:40,446

My brand of coaching is joyful and feminist inspired.

00:06:40,546 --> 00:06:47,091

And one of the academic concepts that I find highly relatable is the gendered nature of

self-help.

00:06:47,492 --> 00:06:55,539

Feminist scholars, Gill and Orgad, highlighted in 2018 how women are sold a narrative of

resilience.

00:06:55,539 --> 00:06:59,423

What they call the amazing bounce backable woman.

00:06:59,423 --> 00:07:02,204

What a brilliant journal title.

00:07:02,305 --> 00:07:03,648

They found that

00:07:03,648 --> 00:07:13,716

across magazines, self-help books and even wellness apps, women are encouraged to develop

what they describe as an elastic sense of resilience.

00:07:13,716 --> 00:07:24,555

So one that allows them to recover, keep going and push forward, but often at the cost of

acknowledging imperfection, vulnerability or struggles.

00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:26,778

And the problem with this?

00:07:26,778 --> 00:07:32,442

Well, it's the idea of resilience that often ignores those structural inequalities.

00:07:32,584 --> 00:07:46,300

It's marketed as an individualised practice, set of self-improvement behaviours that are

both voluntary pursued and also, I suppose, subtly imposed by other women and men.

00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:57,164

When we focus too much on bouncing back, we then risk losing the chance to sit with

discomfort and truly process what's happening.

00:07:57,384 --> 00:08:01,378

And I see parallels with this and the narratives around imposter.

00:08:01,378 --> 00:08:11,944

being a syndrome, something for the individual to improve on, rather than the phenomenon

that it actually is, that comes from spaces that don't serve us as well as they should.

00:08:13,816 --> 00:08:20,650

When it comes to storytelling, it's one of our most uniquely human traits.

00:08:20,711 --> 00:08:33,319

Our ability to frame our experiences has a psychological benefit and this connects to

something I've spoken about before on my sub-step blog when I talked about nostalgia.

00:08:33,319 --> 00:08:35,740

It's called emotional smoothing.

00:08:36,341 --> 00:08:43,466

The way we retell stories, so for example, somebody who embellishes a story or somebody

who

00:08:43,466 --> 00:08:50,752

moves the punchline, allows us to influence and to re-experience them.

00:08:50,792 --> 00:09:04,714

In retelling, we smooth over often the rough edges, the lags, we find meaning and

sometimes we unintentionally might erase the complexity of our feelings for good reason,

00:09:04,714 --> 00:09:07,456

perhaps that's something we need to move from.

00:09:07,906 --> 00:09:20,796

But embracing that space in between, if we're talking about liminality, the difference

between our intention and taking action and that weird space where things are unresolved,

00:09:20,796 --> 00:09:28,662

perhaps where we're sharing authentically is where we can be doing the real

transformation.

00:09:30,944 --> 00:09:42,069

I hope that this has given you something to think about in terms of how you share your

stories because the motivation behind the narratives you use are okay to change and

00:09:42,069 --> 00:09:45,040

rewrite if it's on your terms.

00:09:46,501 --> 00:09:55,884

In this season of Psychologically Speaking, I've not only been sharing coaching prompts

with you, but I am taking my own coaching advice and sharing it.

00:09:55,884 --> 00:09:59,822

I set myself a goal to run more consistently this year.

00:09:59,822 --> 00:10:04,662

And last weekend, I ran my quickest part run since March 2020.

00:10:04,662 --> 00:10:07,082

I was really chuffed with myself.

00:10:07,362 --> 00:10:12,302

This success is down to applying some of those successful nudges I reflected on.

00:10:12,302 --> 00:10:17,502

So if you remember, they were things like making it social and being flexible.

00:10:18,262 --> 00:10:23,262

This week, my coaching advice is about showing up as you are.

00:10:23,262 --> 00:10:27,182

And I did this through taking imperfect action.

00:10:27,762 --> 00:10:29,034

I tested

100

00:10:29,034 --> 00:10:32,515

Riverside's webinar and live streaming to YouTube.

101

00:10:33,096 --> 00:10:41,839

It was a bit scary and I definitely wasn't ready but I asked for help to carry out a 10

minute test over my lunch hour and you know what?

102

00:10:41,839 --> 00:10:43,220

It was powerful.

103

00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:49,783

It met my need for connection with others rather than just relying on my own agency and it

was reciprocal.

104

00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:54,505

People engaged, they responded but they got something valuable from it too.

105

00:10:55,085 --> 00:10:57,664

My key reflections this week are

106

00:10:57,664 --> 00:11:06,412

I focused on peer support rather than self doubt and I started where I was rather than

waiting for perfection.

107

00:11:09,368 --> 00:11:14,000

Thanks for listening to Psychologically Speaking with me, Leela Ainge.

108

00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:17,701

If you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review and share it.

109

00:11:18,102 --> 00:11:27,585

If you're an entrepreneur, creative or professional who feels busy but not always aligned,

I have a self-love invitation for you.

110

00:11:27,586 --> 00:11:37,550

Join my free live streamed webinar, The Psychology of You, Align, Act, Achieve on January

the 24th, 1pm UK time.

111

00:11:37,550 --> 00:11:38,710

No pressure.

112

00:11:38,710 --> 00:11:44,232

Your camera won't be on, no transformation, just a space to meet yourself as you are.

113

00:11:45,133 --> 00:11:51,646

Head to www.leelaange.co.uk to secure your space.

114

00:11:51,646 --> 00:11:53,757

That's L-E-I-L-A-A-I-N-G-E.

115

00:11:57,912 --> 00:11:59,022

Yes.

116

00:11:59,663 --> 00:12:08,089

If you are listening to this episode after January the 24th, there will be details on my

website and show notes on how to access the replay link.

117

00:12:08,629 --> 00:12:09,970

Speak soon.