This episode will reveal the dangerous belief that's destroying your relationship while your child suffers.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change.

I'm Heather Hester.

Let's get started.

For a long time, you believed that they're too young to know or too young to, quote, make this kind of decision.

If you're hoping that it's just a phase that will blow over, or if you're talking with friends and family who keep saying they'll grow out of it.

If you've had these thoughts or similar ones, I want you to hear me clearly.

You are not a monster.

You are a human being with fears, conditioning, and a lifetime of messages about gender and sexuality.

You might hear your child say, I'm gay, I'm bi, I'm trans, I'm non, binary.

And your first reaction is, they're too young to really know.

This can't be real yet, or, let's just wait and see.

And maybe people around you are reinforcing that.

They're saying things like, they all go through phases.

Don't label them too soon.

They'll grow out of it.

You feel like you're being cautious and protective.

But what if, from your child's perspective, it feels like you don't see them, hear them, or acknowledge them?

It feels like you don't love them.

I have been there, and so have many of my clients.

The feeling that they were too young to know or too young to make that kind of, quote, decision.

You weren't trying to be cruel.

You were trying to buy time to calm yourself, perhaps, or to avoid what felt like a tidal wave of change that you just weren't ready for.

Perhaps you were hoping it was a phase.

You noticed signs, comments, clothing choices, interests, maybe even crushes.

And instead of seeing all of these data points as emerging truth, you filed them under quote, maybe it's just a phase.

Maybe you felt it would all blow over.

You told yourself, once the hormones settle, once they find the right friend group, once we get them through this school year, you were waiting for the day when everything would just quietly reset to the script, to the movie reel that you had in your head.

You probably kept reading books, going to therapy, talking with friends and family, hoping, and maybe even praying for a different answer.

Here's the thing.

You were seeking information.

You were trying.

But often people seek what's called confirmation bias, sources that will confirm their existing beliefs and perhaps even more so, their existing hope that nothing really has to change.

But here's the thing.

Every day you dismiss your child's identity as another day they learn that they can't trust you.

Perhaps that feels harsh, but from your child's perspective, every let's wait and see and every you're too young to decide that lands as you don't believe me, you don't see me.

Who I am is too inconvenient, too scary, or too much.

While you're waiting to see they are self harming or turning to other maladaptive coping techniques because they feel invisible.

This isn't theoretical either.

We know from research that LGBTQ youth who are rejected or invalidated by family are at a significantly higher risk for depression, anxiety, self harm and suicide.

Your hesitation may feel like protection to you, but it often feels like abandonment to them.

Your relationship is eroding in real time.

They're pulling away and you're perhaps wondering why.

You might notice that they're quieter, closed off, spending more time online or in their room or with friends.

They may confide deeply in others, but not in you.

You don't understand the shift and you may be thinking, why won't they talk to me?

And all the while they are likely thinking, why would I tell the person who doesn't believe me?

You might know another family where the child came out, and while it wasn't easy, they're perhaps more grounded, more confident.

It can be painful to watch and admit my fear is part of what's keeping my child small and scared.

So let's unlearn the limiting belief that they're too young to know who they really are.

This belief sounds protective, but it's rooted in the assumption that you know them better than they know themselves.

Research shows kids know their gender identity as early as age 3 or 4.

And before you dismiss this as being crazy, think about how old a child is when they express the most basic connection to gender, the toys they gravitate toward and the clothes they like to wear.

We see this consistently.

Children have an internal sense of gender very, very early.

Even if they don't have the language, they feel the mismatch between how the world sees them and who they know themselves to be.

With love and gentleness, please understand that you're not protecting them by waiting.

You're teaching them to hide who they are.

Delaying acknowledgement doesn't delay identity.

It delays safety.

It delays trust.

And it teaches them if I want to stay loved, I must stay hidden.

This is the part that no one wants to say out loud, but it needs to be said.

I have talked to too many families who would give anything to go back and respond with curiosity instead of dismissal.

Waiting felt safer until it wasn't.

So if you've been telling yourself that they are too young to know if you are hoping and trying to hide until this blows over or you're watching your relationship deteriorate while you wait and what you really want is a relationship that's open and honest, to know that you're not missing critical signs and to understand the coming out process so you can support them properly.

That's exactly why I created my private coaching program.

If this is landing with that uncomfortable no, this is me feeling.

That doesn't make you a bad parent.

It makes you a parent who is ready to grow.

You don't have to keep guessing.

You don't have to keep waiting for it all to quote blow over.

Inside my private coaching program, I walk you through what's actually happening for your child and what they need from you at every stage.

You can grab a time on my calendar through the link in the show notes or@morehumanmorekind.com discovery to learn more about how we can create a blueprint specifically for you and your family that will shift the trajectory from growing further apart to growing strong together.

Until next time, Remember, you are not alone in this.