Welcome to Just breathe parenting your LGBTQ team, the

podcast, transforming the conversation around loving and

raising an LGBTQ child filled with awesome guests practical

strategies and moving stories host Heather Hester always makes

you feel like you're having a cozy chat. Wherever you are on

this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not

alone. And here is Heather for this week's amazing episode

Welcome to Just breathe, I am so glad you are here today. So

during my little break in December, that I took to just

enjoy being home with my kids and having Connor and Isabel

home from college and just doing a lot of our fun, traditional

things that we do and really just taking time to breathe. I

attended an event on December 18. That was an online event

called PATA palooza. And a friend of mine was one of the

people running it Michelle Abraham. And I thought, well,

this will be a good opportunity. This sounds like a fun, just a

fun opportunity, really. So why not? Why not do this. So I

really, you know, kind of going into it had no idea what I'd

signed myself out for. But oh, my goodness, did it turn out to

be a really, really cool event. So during the course of the day,

I had the opportunity to interview two different people

for the podcast from my podcast. So the interviews that I got to

do, we're a little different than my typical style, they were

a little more rapid fire and kind of a quick get to know you

and tell me about what you do type of thing. But I really

found both of the people that I got to interview so engaging and

interesting, and I really wanted to share them with you. So the

first one that you're going to hear from is Amy's Wagan balm,

and she is a transformational stress coach. And one of the

really interesting things about her is she has a stress relief

blog that I will let you listen to her talk about and tell you

more about but it's really, really cool. And then the other

person I got to talk to is Joanne light. And she really

talks a lot about emotional intelligence and the importance

of developing that as a skill. So I am really happy that I get

to share these two wonderful humans with you. And I hope you

enjoy. So Amy, I'm so excited that we get to chat for a little

bit here today during this awesome Potter Palooza event.

And

thank you for having me on your podcast. I really appreciate it.

Of

course, of course, I think that what you do and what you offer

is so interesting. And you know, my listeners are just going to

find you fascinating. And I think we'll be we'll be clicking

on a couple of different things here. So I first want to because

we were just talking about it, and I need to I need to hear

more about this blog that you just started. Can you tell us

about it?

Yes. Basically, my blog is a free stress release tool. It has

the same accomplishment as going out and causing harm without

any, any harm. So it's it's a writing writing tool, and it's

called How to literally get away with murder. And I teach my

audience, how they would plan outs to kill the person who's

stressed them out. Now you're just writing a story. So

nobody's getting hurt, you don't you're not going to jail for it.

And well, the next time the boss tells you, it makes you feel

awful. You can think about your lovely story and feel much

better.

Right? I mean, that is so creative. And writing is such a

stress reliever. So why not? You know, a lot of times I talk

about journaling all the time, but really, this is taking it to

the next level, right?

Well, because I've done as a teacher, I did a criminal

profiling course and I did design multiple murder mystery

type that's, I really do know about what makes these people

tick and how they decide they're victims, how they decide where

they're going to kill and everything else. So I'm walking

people through how you would literally design a murder

against someone you don't like. Wow.

without causing harm. Without there's no

harm involved. In fact, if your story is really good, you could

always change the names and publish it.

Right? Exactly. It could be a series of short stories. Just

keep them a compilation, right, which started out as a stress

reliever. I just said is so cool.

Yeah, it's just to get that anger and that stress out. So

you feel better. The randomness is to release that stress and to

lower your stress level because I'm a stress transformational

stress coach

exam. Well, that moves right beautifully into that. So which

came first the blog or being the coach? What is your, your time?

The coaching is actually came? I don't know. I mean, the blog

grew out of other things that were there before the coaching,

okay, but the coaching came in first. Okay. So learns basically

everything I could possibly know about coaching. Still being one

of those people who has to learn everything before? Wow,

I think that's a good thing, right? Being a lifelong learner,

we just continually get better or wiser. And you know, what we

do? I think that's so smart. Well,

it's, it keeps things interesting. You can never learn

too much. I used to be? Well, I used to have a company as a

Reiki Master and running the bars. And one of the things they

taught us with running the boat bars is to always be in the

question always be learning. Right? So this is one of the

things I bring, also to my stress coaching. I'm also going

to be having met at weekly meditation classes for my, my

clients starting in January one. So all of this is part of the

package for either one on one coaching or group coaching.

Okay,

that's great. So can we talk a little bit about who you offer,

you know who your ideal client is for coaching? Who you like to

work with, or who you typically work with?

Well, I I'm looking to work with stressed out professional super

moms who have these horrible stress related illnesses,

because basically, they're trying to do the workload that

even the great god Zeus couldn't figure out himself. Mm hmm.

And that's become quite an issue, hasn't it?

Well, the stress, I mean, people, stress is one of the

biggest killers around and has been for a long time. And people

don't realize how serious it really is.

Right? Right. Well, because stress is not tangible. Right.

So you don't realize all the havoc it reeks. I mean, it is

that's a rather, but I think it as a general statement, right?

It is, you can't, whereas like you can see sugar, right? You

can see fat, you can see that you're not exercising, but you

can't necessarily see stress. Let's talk about that just a

little bit. Because I like that. You're not just a stress coach.

You're a transformational stress coach, for professional

supermoms that is highly specific. So well, I

want to tell them how to enjoy their life. Okay. Basically,

it's been believed for a long time that the only ones who can

enjoy the the awesome career and having the family or the man,

but nobody ever thinks about why. And the reason behind this

is that the men are doing a lot less work. Yeah. Okay, they work

their day at work, they come home, they park out in front of

the TV, watch the news. Well, the wife makes dinner takes care

of the kids. Make sure everybody does their homework. I mean,

she's doing double duty here. That's why she's not having any

fun,

right? Or why she's exhausted all the time, right or bizarre.

And now, all these stress related diseases are creeping

in.

Well, exactly and stress at the end of the day can

kill you. Oh, yeah, absolutely. It can. It is It's funny when

you say that I have to just really I was just having this

conversation the other day with my my father is 87. And, and he

will always say to me, Well, you should you should read, you

know, XYZ and why don't you do this? And, and I laughed because

you know, he was he was a dentist for 50 some odd years,

right? And I was like, Dad, you got to go to work, do the one

thing that you love doing. You had all these people around you

making it work for you, right? Your assistants, your office

manager, you came home, mom took care of all of us, right? You

got to walk in the house and sit down and be fed, and then go

read. And then get up the next day and do all of that again. I

like that. Just literally no, I'm like the the number of

things that mom always did that you had no idea the number of

things that we do in this generation of women. Right? At

times 100. A right. And I said it is it is beyond comprehension

for you. So the fact that I don't sit down at three o'clock

in the afternoon and read a newspaper. I know it's really

hard for you to understand. It's not possible.

Where do you find the time? Exactly. However, it's a lot of

fun to grab the kids and go out for a snowball fights.

Wow. Yes. Right. Or I mean, and I think these are the things

that you're talking about right in what you're doing that you

are teaching moms that it's okay to do.

Well, it's it's about forgiving yourself, because you didn't ask

for this job. You were just kind of dropped into it. And because

this is something that you hadn't planned on that you just

were nurtured, basically from birth to do us. I mean, nobody

even remembers where this idea came from. It's been passed down

for so many generations. Yeah.

Yeah. And I think it's, it is definitely beginning to shift a

little, right. It's a little, but

it's got a long way to go. It has a very long

way to go. And it takes conscious action on our part.

Would you agree?

Definitely. I would.

So how do we act in? What do you tell you?

The first step? The first step is take a step back and look at

what is causing this. Alright, why are you feeling like this?

What what are you doing? You know what? Hobby, sorry, dude.

But you're going to have to start helping here. And the kids

while you just got drafted. So, you know, if we were on a farm,

every one of those children would not be playing video

games, they would be doing chores. Well guess what? This is

the new farm children. Right? You're going to put away the

video games, you're going to help around the house so that

mom can actually have be the kind of mother you want. Instead

of feeling like she's grinding your teeth and clenched all the

time and feeling awful. And it benefits everyone for mom to

feel better.

It does. It does. So what is a first step that a mom could

take? And I'm talking from like being like in the trenches where

it is really like she is at her wit's end. And she's just, what

is that first step she can take?

Well, I guess the best the first step she would take is to stop

expecting herself to do it all. Stop thinking that you can

handle this mountain of work. You are a human being, you are

not a goddess. As much as you may look like one you are not a

goddess. And you have to forgive yourself for not being able to

conquer this instrumental load of work. Li and check it out and

check out the blog have some fun with that. Well, I

was just gonna say I think that's a perfect a perfect lead

in right to the not only the blog, but really I want

everybody to look into what you do. And take a look at this

blog. It's I'm looking at this blog as soon as we finish here

so I can so I can learn How to Get Away with Murder and a

literary sense

and repeating to people this is a literary tool

literary literary art. Yes, I think we probably need to repeat

Like 12 more times, right?

Please go out and actually kill someone. That's not what I'm

encouraging.

Exactly. Not literally, literarily, it's just a couple

letters that are moved around very important. But just also go

out just how what is the So go into your blog. So the blog is

called How to literarily get away with murder? Yes, yes.

Okay. And then what is your website? What is the best way

for people to contact you?

Well, personally, I think laughter is a really good cure

for stress. So I've tried to use it in a lot of things I do. My

website is helped me stress coach calm.

It's awesome. Okay, help me stress coach calm, okay, I will

have this all in the show notes, everyone. So don't panic, if

you're not getting this right now. It will be there because

I'm writing it down right now. Okay, that is very fun. And

I just love to have fun.

You do have to have fun. You really do. And you have to learn

to laugh and learn to allow yourself to be human.

Right. Exactly. And, and one of my yourself sort of breaks

right? Well, when you're sick is because you're not taking me

correct. Absolutely correct. And to learn to embrace the

messiness of all of this, because it's, it's going to be

messy, whether you embrace it or not. So just embrace it and have

fun with it.

Exactly. Enjoy, try to enjoy your life, make things more fun.

One of the things I suggest with my clients is, as part of

drafting the kids so to speak, is make the weekends about

cooking your meals for the week. So everybody gets together and

cooks everything. You dump it in the freezer or the fridge. And

then little Johnny and little Sam can can make dinner before

everybody gets home, because they just stick it in the

microwave.

I love that. I love that. And then it's a group effort to

which I think, you know, has value in so many ways, right?

Well, it becomes a family activity and it becomes a hobby

instead of a chore.

Right? Right. Yes, I

know. Personally, I love my crock pot. Throw everything in

and see what you find at the end.

Right. The crock pot. Okay, and my new favorite. The airfryer

that thing is magical. I'm just gonna, I'm just putting it out

there. It is fun. Like, you're nuts. No, it's not. No, I have

just been amazed. I actually put salmon in there. And I cook

salmon in the airfryer. Yes. I'm telling you. It's magical. It's

not just for like, because my kids of course my you know,

teenagers use it for you know, pizza rolls and, you know,

fries, right fries now that I'm like, what kind of like actual

good food can I put in here and have it come out? Good, right.

And

not to mention, you can play with all the little spices,

right? Try this this time. Try this that time.

Exactly. Exactly. So I'm with you a big fan my crock pot, my

airfryer it's all good. So,

and you can cook multiple meals in one shot, which is what makes

it even better.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And, and there. I think there's a piece

of that too. Or the kids are like, Oh, this is kind of fun. I

want to I want to help with this. How are you doing this?

The sound? You know? Right. So

I mean, it's not like baking, okay, when you're cooking, you

can play with spices. You can play with a lot of the things

when you bake. There's only so much you can do. Right. I

learned this the hard way as a child, actually, because I mixed

up the salt the sugar when I was making a cake. Oh,

oh, I'm sorry. Huh?

What was not edible? No,

I would not think so. It was probably really pretty, but yet

not edible. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, this is how we learn.

Right? I'm sure you never did that again.

Oh, yeah. It's it's all about discovering new things. It's all

about living the adventure.

Is it totally is as that's so funny. Oh my gosh. Well, Amy,

thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for thank you

so much for having me. I really appreciate the talk with you.

I know me too. Absolutely. And I'm going to jump off of here

and and go check out Have your your blog out and your website

out. I'm so excited. And I know my listeners will too, because

this is just awesome. So

I know they'll get a good laugh from the blog. It's it's really

funny, it goes into real details on how to design you're getting

rid of the first new stresses you out. So as long as you don't

follow through with it, it's all good.

That's right, exactly. And I think that's the disclaimer here

is do not follow through with this physically, this is

literally to write away your stress. Alright, Amy will enjoy

the rest of today. And this awesome event. And I'm sure I

hope we will connect sometime down the road.

Oh, I would absolutely love that. Okay, wonderful. Thank you

very much.

You are welcome. Bye. Bye. So Joanne, I am very excited to

meet you and to learn about you and learn about what you do. I

was so interested reading your, your short bio, with lots of

experience with parents and with kids and with coaching. And so I

am hoping that you might just share with us what you do and

what kind of brought you into what you're doing now.

Okay, sure that that's a fair question. I right now, my focus

is to coach parents, particularly if tweens and

teens, and I love working with parents of kids that age,

because everyone sort of has this bad rap view of teenagers,

you know, there's sort of a societal wholesale view,

although I think it's changing a little that teenagers are

impulsive and rash and nasty and disrespectful. And, sure there

is that side to all of them at some times. But I think that

they are the most interesting human beings, they and their

brains are constantly on fire and changing. So and I came to

do parents because well, I spent 30 some odd years in higher

education. I was an educator, and administrator, a counselor.

And when I retired, I decided coaching was a good thing for

me. Because I like working with people and doing sort of

passionate kind of work. And right now, I'm working with

parents, because I think we need to really give all we all need

the skills of emotional intelligence, how to be a good

listener, why those things are important to be good parent to

being available parent and not. It's not all it's not about you,

and to really share that with parents so that they can raise

resilient kids. And it's hard. It's really hard work. And I I

feel that we as parents, and I'm my kids are adult children,

adults now. We as parents need to raise the next generation and

the kids who are teens today and preteens, man, we're gonna need

them to be great leaders and great citizens because things

are a little dark. Things are not looking so good right now.

So I, I became passionate about the coaching and, and chose this

niche because I really, I feel like I understand teenagers. And

therefore I understand their parents and I, I raised three

teenagers, none of whom escaped. Having lots of issues, my oldest

daughter has mental health issues and when your child is

different, it's just a it's a bigger challenge. So parents of

LGBTQ kids have a, almost a higher barrier a higher a higher

wall to, to climb over and, and jump down and be present there.

Absolutely.

And I There are several pieces there that I just found so

interesting. But that is that is so correct. And I think that you

know, as parents, we kind of have to it's part of it is that

seeing our kids and seeing, okay, what what do they need

from us? Right? So I really loved that you said it's not

about you, because I think that's such an easy thing,

especially when our kids are teenagers, right to feel like,

why are they being so mean to me, or why are they doing that?

It's totally not about us. Right. And so that's right. And

I think I'm so glad you said that. I think that's something

we just have to like continue hearing from others who have,

you know, who are teaching that and who have been through it.

And then it's something we just have to practice like that. Oh,

yeah. This isn't about me. Right. Right. And that allows

you, I think to, and I think this is my next question for

you, is to really see your kid, right to see what it is they're,

you know, trying to tell you or what it is they're going through

or dealing with, or just being a kid, you know, just being a

teenager or whatever your tween or early, you know, young adult.

But I, one of the things that really captivated me about you

is the, your work with emotional intelligence. And that is

something that is, I think, new to many, many people. And so a

lot of us are just in that very much, either. We've never heard

of it before, or we're really wanting to learn about it. So

what can you share about that?

Oh, that's, that's a Pet Pet love of mine. I just want to

start with what you started to say about seeing our kids for

who they are, I think one of the hardest things for parents to do

is to let your child become just become who he or she, he or she

or they are. And that's very difficult. And I think if you

understand emotional intelligence, which I just want

to make clear, Heather, in my mind is a skill. You can learn

it at any time. It's a skill, and I think it's seems, has

always been seen as a soft skill. But that's, that's sort

of changing. There are a lot of business leaders, including

Amazon, who are hiring people to teach their employees, emotional

intelligence, and hiring people, recruiters now look for those

skills in people. And what emotional intelligence is all

about is understanding emotions, being able to label them being

to an understanding where you're coming from, and being able to

understand other people's emotions, and regulating them.

And as a parent, one of the hardest things to do is to

regulate your own emotions. And unless you really understand

where you're coming from, and where your emotions are coming

from, it's really hard to regulate those of your preteen

or teen. So emotional intelligence is really a group

of skills, you have to recognize them, understand them have a

vocabulary, it's not just about happy or sad, there are no bad

emotions, there's a huge 1000s of words that describe a

feeling. And once you label them, I think you can express

them appropriately and know where and when to express them.

And I think that really, then you can regulate them. I think

it takes all of that work, to be able to, you know, not when your

kid does something that is outrageous to explode and lose

it totally. Now, we all as parents have totally lost it at

times. No question about it or him? Yes, and it's okay and

mistakes. You want your kids to make mistakes and learn from

them, and you learn from yours. And you can repair all that. But

if you really are emotionally intelligent, you really, I think

can learn to be a empathic leader. Kids who know emotional

intelligence, who have modeled it, because they're who have

learned it, because their parents have modeled it, have

their I think, are more academically successful in how

many parents do you know, that just really looked at their kids

in their achievements as a measure of success?

Absolutely. Absolutely. I am. I think one of the really

interesting things that, you know, has become so clear to me

in the past 10 years, I guess, is that emotions, you know, I

think when when I was growing up, it was very much you don't

express right. And if you did express, it was a sign of

weakness, right? Especially if it were, you know, tears or any

form of, you know, sadness, or any really anything, right. And

so now, I think, Oh, this is great, because we're really

learning that emotions and understanding them. It's

information. So that being angry isn't bad. It's information. So

what is that anger? So like learning to ask those questions

of, well, okay, you're angry. Why are you angry? What is that

anger telling you what to you? And so, I think it's that, you

know, it's understanding to talk about it and then to validate

that experience and say, Hey, I see that you're angry. or, or

having somebody reflect that to you, right? I can see that

you're really sad about that. Or you're really, and like you

said, like, there are hundreds of words to, you know, express

to describe emotions, right? So

there's your, you know, there's totally exasperated, violent,

miserable, I mean, you can, you know, you can be this angry or

this angry or, or higher level of angry and you can learn the

words for all those different different shades of anger. And

you're right, you've got to look underneath, where is it coming

from?

Exactly, exactly, and not being afraid to look underneath.

Right? As a parent, as you said, to say to your child, I see that

you're frustrated, I see that you're upset, do you want to

talk about it, but interrogating them? It won't work? They need

to come to you.

Right. Right. And sometimes I think that they and I don't know

what your thoughts are on this. But sometimes I feel like, you

know, and we just say, Hey, I see that, right? I feel like

you're there's no energy coming off of you rises, because I feel

like there's you know, there's sad energy coming off of your,

your, you seem a little agitated, or you know what, for

them to be like, oh, like, okay, they may not even want to talk

about it. They're just like, Okay, some somebody hears me or

sees my ear. And then they can like, start going through their

process, and then know that you are a safe place to come in if

they need to continue processing, right? Or if they

need, you know, one thing that I'm always throwing out in my

house is, you know, if you need a professional to talk to, like

somebody that was not your mom, or your dad or sibling or best

friend. Professionals are available. Right. Right. And I

think that's a piece of normalizing.

You're realizing your emotions, right? Because there's the

stigma attached to looking for professional help less now less.

But I know when I was looking for professionals, for my, my

daughter, it was, it was not only hard, but it felt, you

know, I felt like I was being judged, because I was looking

for help.

Right. Right. I think you're right, that is definitely

shifting, which is such a great thing. I love that. And, and,

and you're definitely you know, in the line of coaching parents

and working with parents and teenagers, I feel like that's

very much about a parallel. And I just wonder if you could talk

a little bit more, just to my audience about what you, you

know, what you do and what you specifically offer? Because I

think that's something that people are looking for more and

more and interested in? How do we find this? And how do we, you

know, what questions do we need to ask? So we know we can find,

you know, a good match.

Right? Well, you know, that that that's a broad? That's a hard

question to answer. Because by again, no, no, no, no, no, it's

fair. It's fair. I. I just tried to reach out to parents, and

talk about the things that they need to talk about what I tried

to get them to think about their vision, what do you need? Where

do you want to go? How do you see your future within your

family with your team? Because it's different in every family.

I mean, I've recently been chatting with a mom, who I, I

just, I'm like aghast at how amazing she is who has one child

who at two and a half knew that she was a heat. So she's been

dealing with a transgender child, and her oldest child, who

is non, you know, non binary, and there's just so many

different situations that come up. So I try very hard to, to

meet parents where they are, what they need, how they've been

parented, because that totally influences how you come across,

or how you parent, even if you swear, you're never gonna sound

like your mother someday. You may sound like your mother, you

know, I think it it. It's there. There are generational patterns.

And so I just try to offer a confidential space where mums

and dads can talk about what they worry about, and what their

fears are because I think parenting from a place of fear

that One subject that I think is universal, and I try very hard

to always bring that into our, my coaching sessions is, it's

just from the minute that baby is born, I think the tentacles

of fear just wrapped around your heart. And that is, that's it

from that point forward. And if we can learn how to parent from

a place of trust, Heather as opposed to a, from a place of

fear, right, some will do better will feel better, because we all

worry about so many things. And your anxiety is so high

sometimes. And it's a scary world out there, there plenty

things to be afraid of. You have to you can't protect your child

from from everything. And I always think prompt I say

problem free is not fully prepared. You know, they all

need to face their challenges, and some more than others. So

certainly a LGB t Q. Child, and their mom and dad have a heart

or their mom and mom or whoever it is have a tough time. It's

It's hard out there. But um, so I don't know if I've answered

your question, but I think I just tried to acquire clients

who want to trust and be open and have an opportunity to share

what what bothers them, what is worrisome for them, and to take

them to the next place to the next level? Where they'd like to

grow?

Right? Oh, that's great. It sounds to me that you're really

you meet people where they are, you see them for who they are.

And there's a lot of it's non judgmental, it's safe, and we

try it right. And I think that is a eight, something that is

very comforting. You know, many people are looking for that, and

they're just not quite sure where to go, where to look for,

you know, where to find this type of support. So I love that,

you know, because for so long, and you know, really having a

therapist was your one option, right? So I mean, finding a

therapist, that was really a good match. It was hard, right?

And also kind of jumping through that or getting over that hurdle

of, I don't know what I think about this, right? I mean, now

I'm the biggest advocate of therapy, I think it's, it's so

very important. And it's it's kind of like, it's, it's just

mental health, self care, as far as I'm concerned. So that's my,

like, just in normalizing it and really encouraging people, but I

love that. Coaches, like you, parent coaches, and, you know,

coaching for all have kind of entered this space, because it's

a lovely mix, right? And it just fits, I think, avoid that was

there. So I appreciate what you do. And I appreciate, you know,

kind of watching this, this grow, and having it having it be

available for four people because I always say, you know,

finding, finding a therapist is like speed dating, you know,

it's really hard, right? So this is true, this is quite, quite

lovely. So would I be able to how would people find you if

they wanted to learn more about you?

Well, I have a website. That's Joanne H light li GH t.com. And

I love when people just email me and we just start a conversation

that way. And my email is Joanne at Joanne H lytx.com.

Okay, well, that's easy. Super. Yeah. Well, great. Well, that

will be I will also have that in my notes for our show today. And

if it's okay with you, I will put a link on my website so

people can can find you that way as well. But I think that this

is just a really, I appreciate you being with me today and

really appreciate it. Thanks so much for joining me today. Just

a quick reminder to make sure you bookmark my website as your

go to source for resources, information, podcasts updates.

If you are when you sign up for my email list, I have an amazing

list of all of my favorite resources that you will get

right away. So definitely worth it. I do not email crazy

amounts. It's really only when I have awesome things to share

with you. So take a minute jump on over there and do that. and I

look forward to connecting with you. Until next time.

Thanks so much for joining Heather today. Remember to just

breathe. Take a few minutes every day to calm and center

yourself. Reach out anytime with ideas, questions or feedback.

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