It's hard for me to say this, but most people who try to control their anger fail.

This isn't because they lack good intentions or because anger management techniques don't work.

They fail because these men and women skip the most important anger management step of all.

Hello and welcome to the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm Alastair Dues, and for over 30 years I've taught more than 15,000 men and women how to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

As always, remember that if you'd like help to control your anger, Visit my website, angersecrets.com for a free 30 minute phone call with me or to grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

Today's episode is a little different.

Instead of having my A I assistants Jake and Sarah explore this topic, I want to walk you through it directly.

Because after three decades of doing this work, there is a simple difference between the people who fail at anger management and the ones who ultimately succeed.

So what is this difference?

The most powerful difference between people who fail at anger management and those who succeed is how they answer one simple question.

Why do you want to control your anger?

I've worked with over 15,000 people in the last 30 years.

The ones who succeed in controlling their anger can answer this question with absolute clarity.

But the ones who fail, they stumble through a vague response or say, because I should.

So today I'm going to share real answers to the question, why do you want to control your anger?

From men and women who successfully controlled their anger?

Keep listening, because by the end of this episode, you'll know exactly what separates people who end up controlling their anger from.

From ones that don't.

Let's start at the beginning.

When someone comes to me and says, I want to control my anger, I usually ask them why.

I know this may be a blunt question, but I ask it because people who say I've been told I should, or because someone else wants me to rarely make it past the first week or two of my course.

But when someone tells me I want to control my anger because my marriage is falling apart and I can't lose my husband or wife, that person, they do the work.

They push through the hard moments.

They succeed.

The difference between these two types of answers isn't intelligence.

It's not willpower.

It's clarity about why controlling your anger matters.

So let me share some powerful answers I've received from men and women who successfully transformed their lives.

As you listen to these, I want you to ask, can I relate to any of these men or women.

Let's begin with a man who said to me, I want to control my anger so I'm a better person and so my partner and son will be able to live with me calmly as a family.

His family was about to leave him.

This was not abstract and not theoretical.

It was life or death for him and that's important.

Another person said to me, my partner told me I have anger issues and I know I need to address this or our relationship will end.

Clear, simple and powerful.

When I see clients with this level of clarity, I know they're going to succeed.

Because when they feel that flash of anger or when they want to explode, I know they will remember what's at stake.

They remember that in that moment they're choosing between their anger and their family.

Now here's another answer that predicts success.

Martin, a 38 year old accountant, said to me, I want to control my anger, to break the anger cycle I was brought up in.

Martin had watched anger destroy his childhood.

He knows exactly what happens when anger goes unchecked.

He saw the damage firsthand and now he's looking at his own children and making a different choice.

Tracy, another client of mine, said to me, I want to control my anger to set a better example for my three small children.

When I work with men and women like this, they have an advantage.

I know they will watch every lesson of my course and I know they will succeed in controlling their anger because every time they feel triggered, they picture their child's face.

They ask themselves, what am I teaching my child right now and is this the person I want them to become?

That's powerful motivation and it works.

Darrell, a 36 year old ex gang member, said to me, I want to control my anger because I'll end up in jail or do something I'll regret if I don't do anything.

Now.

Darrell isn't being dramatic, he's being realistic.

He's seen where his anger is heading and he's making a choice before it's too late.

Luke, another client said, I tend to go too far with my anger and start to punch holes in walls.

I've made my children cry because of it and when I've taken it out on my wife, she starts to cry and I hate myself when I do that.

Luke is being brutally honest about the damage he's causing.

He's not minimising it.

He's not making excuses.

He's looking at it directly and saying, this has to stop.

Another answer I got recently shows what Happens when you don't address anger properly.

Stacy said, I've been dealing with anger management issues since I was a teenager.

I'm 34 years old now, and I still struggle every week.

I'm putting strain on my relationships at work and in my family.

I really need to make positive changes for myself and others before I lose everything.

20 years.

That's how long Stacy's anger had been around.

His anger wasn't going away.

It was compounding, and it was spreading into every area of his life.

But here's what I love about Stacy's answer.

He's not just saying I should change.

He's saying I need to change before I lose everything.

That urgency, that's what drives real action.

Let's keep going.

Jason's answer to the question, why do you want to control your anger?

Still gets to me.

He said, I want to control my anger so I don't hurt the most beautiful woman I have ever known anymore.

Five years after he started my course, Jason is anger free and still married.

His relationship is thriving.

Why?

Because every time he felt triggered, he remembered what he stood to lose.

Belinda said to me, I want to control my anger because I'm scaring my children.

When a parent can admit that, when he or she can face that truth without deflecting, that's when change becomes possible.

Okay, so you have heard many powerful answers to the question, why do you want to control your anger?

But let's share what poor answers sound like.

Thomas said to me, I want to control my anger to be a better person.

That may sound okay, but in reality, it's too vague.

Thomas wants to be better than what?

Or better how?

Because I know that when things get hard, being a better person won't be enough to stop you from exploding.

Or some men and women say a version of, I should probably work on my anger.

Now, should is the language of obligation, not motivation.

And I know obligation runs out the moment things get uncomfortable.

So the people who fail to control their anger, they're often doing this for someone else or because they feel guilty or because they vaguely think it's the right thing to do.

But the people who succeed, they have a reason so powerful that when their partner says something that normally triggers them, they pause, they breathe, they think, and they choose something differently because in that moment, they remember why they're doing this.

So here's what this means for you.

If you can't answer the question, why do you want to control your anger with emotional clarity and specificity, you're not ready to succeed yet.

Now, that's not a judgment, it's just reality.

But if you can answer it, if you can say because I'm losing my wife or because my kids deserve better, or because I refuse to become my father, then you have what you need.

Your reason to control your anger becomes your anchor.

When everything in you wants to lash out, your reason reminds you what matters more than being right in that moment.

Now, here's what I want you to do right now, if you can, or as soon as you finish listening, take out your phone, open your notes app and write down your answer to my question.

Why do you want to control your anger now?

Don't write what sounds good.

Don't write what you think you should say.

Write what's actually true.

Is your marriage crumbling?

Write that.

Are your kids walking on eggshells?

Write that.

Are you becoming the parent you swore you'd never be?

Write that.

Whatever it is, write it down, be specific, be honest, and keep it somewhere you'll see it.

Because that answer is going to carry you through every hard moment ahead.

And here's what I know.

After 30 years of this work, I know change is absolutely possible.

I've watched thousands of people transform their relationships, their families, their entire lives.

But it doesn't start with techniques.

It starts with knowing why you're doing this.

And if you're ready to take control of your anger and you have a clear reason why I want to help you, visit angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute anger assessment.

Call with me to talk about your situation.

But be warned, I guarantee I will ask you why you want to control your anger.

Or if you're ready to go all in, check out the Complete Anger Management System, my proven online program that's helped thousands of people control their anger, master their emotions, and create the calmer, happier and more loving relationships they've been fighting for.

I'd be honoured to be part of your journey.

And finally, if this episode resonated with you, please follow the podcast and leave a rating and review.

It helps other people who are struggling with their anger to find these tools and start making real change.

And remember, you can't control other people, but you can always control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.