Heather Shannon (00:01.438)

If you keep getting told no to sex and it feels like your partner just doesn't want you anymore, what's usually happening is not lack of attraction. It's that both of you are reacting to pain emotionally in ways that makes the next no more likely. So until somebody breaks that pattern, you're stuck in the loop. If you are the higher sex drive partner in your relationship and you keep getting told no to sex, the issue,

is not that your partner has stopped loving you or suddenly thinks that you're ugly. It's that the rejection cycle itself has started shaping how both of you are behaving. So in this episode, I'm gonna break down why this loop happens, what the higher drive partners often do without realizing it that's not working, and how to shift the dynamics so that you start getting more yeses. So I will walk you through a few patterns.

that I see in couples who are stuck in this cycle. The third one is the one that is actually gonna empower you so that you're not feeling like a victim in this cycle. And just to give you guys some context, most of the higher drive partners that I work with are not these like shallow, sex obsessed people or unreasonable people, but they are feeling hurt and rejected, right? And most of the lower drive partners aren't cold or uncaring or

you know, frigid or prude. They're overwhelmed and they're feeling pressured and they're disconnected from their own desire for a host of reasons. And so it's really not about, you know, who's right, who's wrong, who needs to kind of give in or compromise. It's about understanding the pattern on a deeper level, because when we understand things very deeply, the solutions start to emerge more easily. OK.

So the first pattern that we're going to talk about is withdrawal. So, but I'm going to kind of be talking more to the higher sex drive partner in this episode. So when you get rejected repeatedly, not surprisingly, you pull back to protect yourself, right? However, your partner doesn't like how they feel when you do this because it still feels like then you're abandoning them. Like, you're just not going to try anymore. Like, OK. So like, I don't know where my libido is. You're just giving up on us.

Heather Shannon (02:24.322)

So it can feel like that to them. And so for you, sex has become about reassurance, validation, self-worth, guilt, and outsourcing your, well actually guilt is more for the lower drive partner, and then outsourcing your emotional needs. So what I want you to ask yourself is, what am I making sex responsible for on an emotional level?

Am I making it responsible for how I feel day to day? Because, you know, the of the matter is plenty of people are not having sex and they feel fine. So it's possible. So I think we just need to start reframing here. And this is also not to criticize or call anyone out. I just want to challenge the stories and the beliefs so that you can feel better, you know? The other thing is attachment to an outcome always creates anxiety.

Right. And this is something I learned through almost 20 years of being a counselor. So when we attach to I need sex to be happy, I need sex to be my best self, I need sex to feel OK, we're we're setting ourselves up really for anxiety because there's something outside of us, especially that we feel like we need. It's not actually in our control.

but then we almost like busy ourselves trying to make it happen anyways. And what I wanna kind of present as an alternative is an excuse all the throat clearing if that comes through in the episode. I have had two back to back colds and mostly well, but not a hundred percent. So I still sound a little bit different this week, but the idea of self energy. So a lot of you guys know I'm an internal family systems therapist and coach.

And so the idea in IFS of self-energy is that we are all in our essence, like our eternal essence is calm and competent and can be playful and creative and has sort of a clear vision on what our next steps are. And we also, think this is sort of the distinguishing factor of self-energy compared to some of our more like

Heather Shannon (04:47.16)

protective parts and defense mechanisms, the self-energy is not attached to an outcome. And when that happens, when we let go of attaching to an outcome, suddenly it's like, things are just okay as they are. I can handle things as they are. There's sort of this trust in yourself. And with that trust in yourself that you can handle things however they are, also then comes this spaciousness. I think a huge quality of self-energy is spaciousness.

to just to be, it's like the space to let things unfold as they may, right? And then when your lower drive partner senses that spaciousness and that you're just okay, regardless, that frees them up to quit pleasing you and just start exploring their own desire. So I'm gonna get more into this in our next pattern. So our next pattern is the performance pattern. Okay, so this is where you're kind of asking, maybe directly.

maybe indirectly for your lower drive partner to sort of perform sex for you. So sometimes it gets to a point where you're like, you know, I've tried and I've tried and I've tried to like initiate, I've gotten rejected so much, you know, I'm doing the withdrawing thing. But then it can be, you can get a little sulky sometimes, a little crabby sometimes, and there can sometimes be a conversation about it where it's like,

hey, you know this is important to me, can you just do it for me? Like I get that maybe you don't have a sex drive, but can you just do it for me? And I wanna kinda be clear here, it's normal to have compromise in a relationship, right? But I think we do get into a gray area, which I'll explain a bit more. But one thing I wanna say about it is that this is not like, hey, can you just unload the dishwasher?

Right. Because hey, just don't the dishwasher might be like, OK, I don't really want to do it, but I can like do it because it needs to get done. And so, you know, maybe you do it most of the time and I need to step up. OK, fine. It's different when it's your body. There's more of a sacredness to sharing your body with someone than there is with unloading the dishwasher. Understandably. Right. And and I think the gray area is where

Heather Shannon (07:06.912)

your lower drive partner, if they feel neutral to even slightly positive about sex, I don't see a problem. And then sort of doing it a little bit more for you at times. But I'm going to it's going to come with some disclaimers. OK, so if it's kind of like, you know, I'm not in the mood per se, but I'm like open to it. And like usually I have fun once we do it. Go ahead. You know, it seems like your partner is still getting something out of it.

However, if it's like, well, I have no desire in my body. I feel like I would actually have to like check out of my body and kind of like zone out because I'm not gonna really be able to get into this. Or it feels like I'm going against what feels in alignment for me, which can cause harm to your partner. I kind of want to just bring awareness to that. Is this a neutral to slightly positive thing for your partner?

Is this they're going directly against how they feel in their own body and what feels good for them. That's a problem. That's a pretty big problem. Right. Because we don't want to get to a point of reinforcing sex is not for them. It's just for you. Because then it becomes a chore. And like, do you want your partner to see sex with you as a chore? That sounds terrible. Because often what we're trying to get is feeling connected. Right. We want our partner to be enthusiastic.

And so even if they do kind of like go through the motions and perform sex for you, you're not actually getting their enthusiasm. You're not actually getting the authentic desire from them. So I think that's important to kind of like be honest with yourselves about and to kind of find out if you don't know, you're like, well, I know my partner doesn't have a huge sex drive, but I'm not sure which one of those categories they fall into. Definitely find out.

because that's going to impact your path forward quite a bit. I also want to say sometimes you're not being as direct about it, right? So you're not necessarily saying, can you just do it for me? But what can happen is that you're just authentically expressing how you feel. You're just saying like, OK, here's how I'm feeling impacted by us not having sex, which is super valid, right? You might say, you know, I do feel like I have less energy. I do feel less connected to you.

Heather Shannon (09:32.462)

When we do have sex, I tend to have a little more pep in my step and like get more things done around the house or be better at work or just be in a better mood. And so even just you expressing yourself, which I don't think you should stop doing, can feel to your partner like, oh, man, I really love them. And I get what a big deal this is for them. And I feel like I kind of like need to do this for them, you know?

Heather Shannon (10:02.444)

Okay, we might need to edit or cut that part out because my alarm was going off. So I get how important this is for them and I just need to do it for them. So your partner may feel an internal sense of pressure, even if you're not directly, you know, asking for it or saying, please do this for me. So just keep that in mind. And that would be a great sort of temperature check in your relationship to find out if that's how they feel. Because then what we get into is

your partner is trying to manage your emotions for you through sex. And that's not great. Right. Like in a healthy relationship, we want to come from a place of as much as possible. No one's going to be 100 percent. Right. We want to come from a place of each person can manage their own emotions. So this is why in my coaching program, Pathway to Passion, I start with that. I start with emotional mastery.

Can you identify your own emotions? Can you express your own emotions in a way that's not putting the responsibility on your partner? Can you regulate yourself so that if you're feeling like moody or off, you know what you can do to kind of get back to some kind of baseline? And I also don't want to be delusional here that like, you know, would you feel better with

your partner authentically desiring you and have great sex? Yeah, probably. You know? But can you feel like 70 or 80 %? Can you be at like a generally decent functional level without that? Yeah, I think so. So we're not trying to get to perfect, but we're trying to get to good enough here. All right. So keep in mind, have some conversations with your partner, tune into kind of your own communication about it and like, are you contributing to them feeling

pressure, viewing it as a chore, maybe without realizing it. Because again, if you're doing sex for your partner and not yourself, you're moving further away from your own authentic desire instead of closer to it. So you don't want it. It's like if you're the higher drive partner, you want your partner to want sex more, not less, right? So that's important. So I get that some of this also is going to be a little uncomfy to hear. so

Heather Shannon (12:23.874)

I do want to encourage you guys to hang in there. And the next pattern is the more empowering one. And that will explain kind of the deeper layers emotionally. So the third point I want to make is the story you're telling. So what are you telling yourself about this pattern of less sex or of getting told no when it comes to sex? Because we know that sex is sort of fuel for you.

that it is helping you feel chosen and more vibrant and alive and motivated. And so when sex is not happening, it's not just like, okay, whatever. It's kind of annoying, but not a big thing. It feels deeper. It feels personal. And from the work I've done with clients, I think some of them really feel like, how could my partner do this to me? And like, let me suffer.

in this way that's avoidable. Like, let me feel so hurt and rejected and just like go on in our relationship like it's no big deal. You know, couldn't they just do this little sexual act for me or this other one for me, something, you know? And I think when that story takes over, your reactions stop being about just the facts of the situation.

and they start being about your story. And so that's part of the emotional mastery work too, is like, how do we separate what is actually factual? What actually happened? What did your partner actually say? How many times have you actually initiated? Like those are the facts. The facts are the things we could like present in a court of law, everyone's gonna agree on them, right? The story is like, what are we making that mean? What are we making the facts mean? So one person might look at those facts and think,

I think your partner is really stressed and there's like out of touch with their own sex drive because they're in survival mode, right? So that might be what it means. But you might be making it mean, you know, they don't think I'm attractive anymore. They're never going to have a sex drive. Our relationship is doomed. They're being mean by not caring about me in this way. So just notice what the story is.

Heather Shannon (14:43.35)

and start realizing that it is a story, it is not the facts. Because this is, I think this is so interesting, but relationships are not actually one person relating to another person. And I know that sounds crazy. They're not one person relating to another person. What they are is each person relating to their thoughts and stories about the other person.

You know, this is kind of wild. So, so, but think about it. So if you've had, I'm sure we've all had this experience. Maybe you've had somebody where you're like, you know, they're just kind of like a jerk or they're just like a little snippy or a little critical or whatever. And then we find out they have like, their parents are dying or they're almost going bankrupt or something big is happening in their life. And then suddenly we view it differently. So the facts have not changed.

But our story about this other person has changed and suddenly we feel more compassion towards them. Suddenly we see their behavior in a different light. So I'm sure that's happened to all of us. So that's kind of our proof that it is about our story. It's not about just the facts, right? Sometimes we don't know all the facts and that changes our story, but I would actually say always we don't know all the facts. And that's why it's important to kind of stay curious. So.

So owning that, that our relationship, our romantic relationship, it could be someone you've been with for like 20 plus years, you're relating to your thoughts and stories about them. So if you're not feeling good in the relationship, you can't change the other person's behavior, but you can change your thoughts and stories about them. And that's where the empowering piece comes in. And then there's one more emotional masterpiece that I wanna share with you guys. So not only is there sort of the thought level,

but there's also kind of the deeper emotional, like visceral level. And that's where the parts come in. And I think this is also where some of our unconscious comes in, kind of those unseen layers or layers that just don't get as much attention. And that's where, you know, working with a coach or a therapist can be helpful. So there's also this deeper part of you that feels not okay when they're feeling rejected.

Heather Shannon (17:06.06)

So in IFS, have our protective parts and we have our exiled parts. So you might have a protective part that's seeking sex, because it's like, I know I feel better with sex. I feel more content. I feel more emotionally regulated. I feel more connected, all the good things, right? So it's seeking it out. It's like, okay, how can I make this happen? How can I woo my partner? How can I...

ask them for it. How can I convey how important this is to me? So you have protective parts that are kind of on that mission. And usually they're protecting an exiled part. And the exiled parts are pushed into the dark basement corner of our psyche. And in this particular case that we're talking about today, those exiled parts might feel not good enough, unlovable, not secure. There could be some sort of like abandonment wounds there. And so

The protective part is like, I can't let those exiled parts get triggered or take over. So I need to kind of keep doing these like preemptive things or sometimes some acting out things. So this is where if somebody develops a porn addiction, if somebody cheats, those are also protective parts in a lot of ways. They're just more reactive. So the proactive ones might be like trying to seek out sex, hiring a coach or a therapist, you know, the reactive ones.

might be acting out in slightly more destructive ways. But they're all trying to do the same thing of prevent these exiled deep dark emotions from coming out and taking over. So just kind of recap it here. If your emotional stability and wellbeing is kind of rising and falling based on your partner's libido and how frequently you're having sex, you are living at the whim of something you don't control.

This is a disempowering, victim-y kind of space. And it's no wonder that people might feel withdrawn, sulky, et cetera, because you're kind of in this victim head space, right? So the goal is to become emotionally steadier. And so that there's kind of this rebalancing equanimity that happens faster, right? So you might still have that initial sting of like, I gotta know. Or like, I'm still being vulnerable and this hurts. But.

Heather Shannon (19:26.082)

You might be like, okay, let me remember my new story that I'm trying to practice. Let me remember that I can take care of my own emotional parts and help them feel safe through connecting with my own self energy, which is calm and stable and safe. And so then it's like, I can regulate myself. And there's also, you know, learning to seduce your partner more effectively. It could be that they're not super in touch with their libido, but they can...

doesn't mean they can't be. It might be figuring out what does that pathway look like. There's great books and I think I have some episodes on seduction. I'm going to have another one coming up. So follow if you want to check that out. But yeah, when your partner no longer feels emotionally responsible for keeping you okay and regulated through sex, they then have the space.

to authentically find their desire and figure out what is that pathway to turn on for them, right? Assuming that there is one, which if there has been in the past, there probably is one. might, know, bodies change, lifestyles change. So it might not be exactly as it was in the past, but there's usually a way to find that path. And having that space where they don't feel the pressure and they don't feel like they have to regulate you.

is like a prerequisite. It's not 100 % of the path, but it's a prerequisite for them actually wanting you in an authentic way. So if this episode has helped you understand something that you've been feeling, that you've been experiencing in your relationship, this is the kind of thing that we address here on this podcast. We like to kind of go deeper into the emotional layers of sex. And if you want to do the more personalized healing work with your own protective and exiled

and learn to manage your emotions differently. That's the work I do inside my Pathway to Passion coaching program. So thank you everybody for listening to Sex for Couples and we will catch you next week in another episode. Take care.