E107 - (Layup TYM) Why He Says He'll Change, But Never Does (The Narcissistic Lie)

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[00:00:00] In today's episode, you are going to better understand why your narcissistic partner may say he wants to change, but you never actually see change happen.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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If you have been holding onto the version of him that you know he's capable of being, if every argument ends with him saying the right thing, but nothing ever seems to change long term or if you keep telling yourself he has so much potential. I know that he could be a good partner.

I know that he could be a good father and a good man if he just would try. I, But the reality is a little bit after every fight that you have, what after you come back together, he's still dismissing you. He's [00:01:00] still ignoring you.

He's still making you feel like you are the problem. If that sounds like you, this episode might feel tender, but it's necessary as a first step to help you come back home to yourself. In this episode, you are going to understand why it feels so hard to let go.

You'll understand why he changes just long enough to keep you hooked.

And you're going to understand the quiet truth about why you are the only one doing all the work. And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode where I will pull an Oracle card. This will offer you a message that you can use to sit with this week as you continue to move forward in your healing.

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Hello and welcome back. Let's imagine that you have blocked and unblocked your ex-partner now more times than you can count. And every time after he comes back from a fight, he apologizes for what he does, [00:02:00] and you have this moment where you think maybe what he did wasn't so bad. Maybe I'm overreacting.

After all, he has a lot of good traits. He has been through so much trauma in his life and this time he really, really sounds serious that he's going to make changes for good.

And so you decide to let him back in. You let him back into your heart and your mind with the expectation that he will follow through on what he says he wants to change. After all he said it. Very convincing. So you actually get a little bit excited about this new possibility of what the relationship can look like.

So you dive further into helping him change. You continue reading all of the self-help books, all the communication books, all the books on attachment style and how you guys can better your relationship, and then you're sending them to him so that he can read them.

You are going to therapy and you are excited about this new breath of air that you feel in the [00:03:00] relationship you are making these household charts now that he has agreed to divvy up some of the chores because he sees just how much you're holding in the house with the kids.

If you have kids, he is acknowledging that you're doing so much and he's so grateful for you, and I really wanna take something off your plate so you're creating a a chores spreadsheet because you're great at spreadsheets and you're getting excited.

So you're busy over here doing these things and he is supposed to be busy on his side doing his things, and after some time you wanna follow up with him to see how the progress is going. You're not seeing super outward changes and maybe. Even the, the initial, like, I love you so much, I, I appreciate you.

I'm sorry. Maybe some of those statements have started to diminish a little bit after this period of time, and so you start to follow up like, Hey, did you find a therapist? Or maybe if you found him a therapist, Hey, did you follow up and schedule with the therapist that I [00:04:00] sent you, or following up with him to see if he's job searching, or maybe you just paid the mortgage and you're following up to see when he's gonna give you the Venmo for his part of the mortgage because he hasn't been contributing.

Or maybe he promised he would clean up the yard and the bathroom, and that hasn't been done yet. So you're curious on when he's going to do those things.

And when you bring it up to him, he gets angry. He tells you that you are being his mother and to back off and give him space and trust him and you find yourself back in this place of feeling fucking pissed once again, nothing changed. I cannot tell you how many times I fell into this cycle with my narcissistic ex. So many times there were so many promises that, Brie, this is gonna change. And Brie, I see this finally.

And Brie, I recognize how much of an asshole and how narcissistic I've been. Brie, I really wanna treat you better. You deserve better than [00:05:00] me, Brie. I don't understand why you're with me. You're too good for me. All of these, all of these things that he would say that would just push the right buttons in my heart so that I would let him back in.

Only to be sucked back in the cycle of nothing changing.

Here is what was happening for me and likely for you. As a woman who wants to help, wants to see someone rise to their potential, wants to help somebody actualize change that they say they want to make. We fall into this like mother role and we try to make them rise into the man that he says he wish he would be and you hold the whole relationship together. With sheer emotional labor, like you're very much in the masculine. You are in his role because he is not in his role. You become the fixer and the caretaker, and the one that explains, the one has to bring up all of the problems in the relationship. The one who softens, the one who forgives, the one who [00:06:00] excuses on top of having to hold the whole house together financially.

Being the one who is contributing solely to you, having a house above your head or a roof above your head, having food on the table, keeping the kids in school. If you have kids, you are holding all of his roles and all of your roles

on top of this like mothering energy of trying to get your child to do something and yet nothing changes.

So I know that feeling. I know what that feels like to like, feel like all of your energy is focused solely on him. Literally like a child, like you're trying to get him to do things. You're trying to get him to take care of himself, you're trying to get him to show up, and of course you feel exhausted.

In one moment, you feel guilty for trying to hold him accountable for something he said he would do, and in the next you're angry as fuck at him laying on the couch for another entire Sunday, doing nothing, [00:07:00] doing nothing that he promised, he said he would.

So you're fixated. You're fixated on him and why he's not doing what he said he was gonna do and how you can get him to do it. You're also feeling like you're going crazy. 'cause I was too in that, like he said, he was gonna change. Why isn't he changing? He said that right? He said he was going to change.

Why isn't he? I don't understand this. And then you move into fix it mode of what else can I do to get him to change?

It's a preoccupation that drains you completely because you're not just trying to like take care of your shit. You're also feeling fully responsible for another person and all of their shit.

In a really specific way that you feel like you're going crazy is that you've seen him. Be the guy that you want him to be. Right? In the beginning of the relationship, he was showing up in all of these ways.

He was that he was the total dreamboat with all of the qualities that you wanted. So in your mind you're like, how did he go [00:08:00] from that to this? And why can't he get back to that? I've seen him do it. Why isn't he wanting that? But what's real here is that the man in the beginning was a fantasy. It was a role that he was playing.

He was playing the role of your perfect soulmate, amazing dreamboat partner, he knew the lines. He knew how to show up. He played that role. And so you are in love with the fantasy. You're in love with who he was playing, not who he is actually showing you that he is.

Which is, I don't know, the definition of crazy making. So you're feeling crazy, you're feeling drained. I actually, I have a client right now who has a partner who was out of town and my client was sharing with me that when the partner is out of town, my client actually felt more energized.

Despite the fact that my client was taking care of [00:09:00] the kids and the house and work full time, my client was like, I have more energy. I don't under, I don't understand this. There's actually literally more things on my plate right now. And what we talked about is.

When you don't have the person around who is causing you to be hypervigilant, you, your nervous system actually gets to relax. Hyper vigilance takes so much energy. You think about, you know, a prey animal who is being stalked, who is, who's feeling like they are under attack? All senses are online,

all energy, all systems are ready to fucking flee or hide or whatever they're gonna do to get away from this predator. So when you're in the hypervigilance in your relationship, you are trying to predict what they're gonna say or how they're gonna react, or what emotional outbursts they're gonna have, what kind of eggshells you need to walk on, how you need to manage the kids to not upset the person, or how you need to talk to your friends to not upset them [00:10:00] so that they talk to the person.

Like it is layered and complex. So, of course, my client felt more calm. When the partner was not around and that, was super eye-opening, just how draining day-to-day life is

You as an adult person should be, should be responsible for caring for you. And if you have kids, you're responsible for caring for the kids. Right, but you are not responsible for caring for another adult person who is your partner.

They are responsible for caring for themselves. So when you're caring for your partner with all of the energy that you should be caring for yourself in your kids, in your career, guess what gets kind of pushed away. It's not your kids or your career, it's you. Somehow you pull enough energy together to still handle.

Everything in your life to the point where people from the outside probably don't even know how bad you're [00:11:00] struggling and how much anxiety and exhaustion you're feeling, but there's nothing left for you. It's like you live in a pool of stress and you are just drowning Life. Life is dimming. You are dimming.

Your nervous system is set to this high hypervigilance. Um, I need to be on guard state so that you're always ready. You're always ready for what could come at you, what you need to protect yourself from, your nervous system is meant to come down. We're meant to have periods of activation and periods of rest, right?

But what happens when you are in constant stress is that your, your nervous system is just living on high. You're just, you, you don't feel safe enough to let your guard down. And when your guard is up, you're preparing to flee or to fight, or to freeze or to fawn.

You're preparing for one of these survival tactics. Your body is pumping [00:12:00] adrenaline and cortisol. And so not only are you feeling exhausted mentally and physically, but your body is taking a toll because what happens when cortisol and adrenaline pump consistently through the body inflammation.

And inflammation affects every system in the body. I have clients who had been living years in a abusive relationship or dysfunctional relationship with a narcissistic person, and they come to me and they're losing hair. They have been hospitalized for panic attacks.

They have been diagnosed with cancer. They are literally experiencing physically the consequence of prolonged stress.

So, the relationship is not just affecting you on a frustrating mental level, which is something of course in and of itself, but it's affecting you on a [00:13:00] cellular level. It is stealing years of your life. It is draining your vitality. There's, there's a phenomenon that happens with clients and, and I experienced myself where when you get into the healing process, you start to have your light turned back on.

People literally say, whoa, you look brighter, or, whoa, you look back to your normal self like, we got you back. And what they're talking about is this, this returning of your vitality, of your energy because you're not being sucked dry.

And as I'm talking, you might be like, yeah, Brie, I know. I know all of this. You might feel totally exhausted and hopeless and like a panicked version of yourself. Yet you still might be stuck thinking that you are the bad guy. That you are the one giving up on love if you don't try harder to get him to change if you don't try harder [00:14:00] to change the relationship, to get the relationship to work

so I wanna take you through five beliefs that I hear over and over with my clients and give you some clarity or redirection on how I understand the beliefs so that you can start to get curious about your own beliefs and what it is that's keeping you in this place, even though on some level you know that it's not good for you

okay, so here are the beliefs. Belief number one is that he has potential. Right. I hear that all the time. And what I wanna say to that is that you cannot reach his potential for him.

He is the only one who can choose to do the work and make the changes and his choices show you exactly who he is and exactly what you need to know, what he is doing consistently over time. Is the person that they are. It's intrinsic motivation that makes change. Not saying it [00:15:00] once or every, uh, every couple of months after they, after you have a fight, you have to be intrinsically motivated to change something that's so deep rooted in yourself

Because we resist change, and so there's no amount of forcing that is ever going to make a person change for you. Belief number two, that can keep you stuck is maybe I'm overreacting.

Maybe you finally hit your limit because he put a recording device in your home, or you blocked him after he's blowing you up with 15 text messages telling you that he hates you. Followed by 26 text messages telling you that he loves you so much and he fucked up and he's so sorry.

Having a response, having a boundary to both of those things is not overreacting.

The reason that we think we're overreacting is actually twofold. So the first part is that we tell ourselves we're overreacting in order to dissociate from the reality that we're [00:16:00] actually in. If I'm overreacting, then I'm the problem, and I don't have to actually look at him or hold him accountable or even understand the situation that I'm in because I'm not ready to leave.

So it's a, it's like a survival mechanism that we have of just, if it's my fault, then I can change it. Then it's not so bad because I have control over it. The second part to that is that you may not know what is acceptable in a relationship. What, what should you expect in a healthy relationship? So when he does something that feels somewhere in your intuitive body like that was kind of fucked up, you're like, well, but was it, is that just a normal part of a hard relationship?

Don't people just normally fight? So there might just be a lack of knowledge of what a healthy relationship looks like.

The third belief is I don't want to kick him while he's down. This comes from a place of the person having shared that they've been [00:17:00] through trauma and having used the that fact as a justification. For why they're acting the way that they are. And what I wanna say to that is that an adult person who has been through trauma has the responsibility to address how that's affecting their life and the people in their life.

So trauma is not our fault, but it is our responsibility I cannot just justify hurting people just because I've had trauma in my life. What happens because you're an empathetic person is that you see that he has trauma. You're hearing that he wants to change, and so you're justifying his behaviors because he is had a hard upbringing.

But I want you to, to just noodle on this. Mantra for me. Okay. Remember this mantra. Compassion without justification, compassion without [00:18:00] justification. You can feel compassion that they have had a hard life and that can still not justify. Abuse or being talked down to or overstepping boundaries or threatening your safety or insert whatever action is not okay.

Compassion without justification

when you overlook somebody's behavior and give them the benefit of the doubt or take blame even over and over and over again. It could be that you are also replaying a pattern that you've had in your childhood. The over-functioning, the peacekeeping, the parentified child, there can be a lot under there that, sets you up for that dynamic in a relationship.

So again, that's not your fault, but it does give you some, some agency, some control around looking at that and seeing how you can shift that to show up differently and from more of a place of [00:19:00] boundaried love in a relationship. Belief number four is that if I leave, I will not find anyone else.

What I hear in that belief is that you have a scared part of you who is allowed to feel afraid, likely that part has been told. Either explicitly or implicitly that you are too much, that you are too sensitive, that you are always the problem.

So if you're fed that and if you believe that, if that's the narrative, then I understand why you are afraid. I understand why this part of you is so afraid to leave because she doesn't think that she will ever be loved. And so it will take some nurturing to tend to that part of you. It will take some teaching.

That part that she's actually safe and that her worth is separate from her fear and it's possible to tend to that sweet part of you so that you can [00:20:00] leave a relationship that feels unsafe or gives you anxiety or is something that you don't want to be in anymore.

And lastly, the fifth belief that I hear over and over is this is gonna be the last chance. I just give him one last chance. What I wanna say to that is actually a question. How many chances have you given? Has it been one chance? Has it been 105 chances?

And when will you know that you have given him enough? Chances that is a question worth exploring because. I get it. I, I had to give my ex so many chances because I needed to know that I tried everything. But for me, that was like a, that was like a perpetual task.

I didn't know when I had tried enough. I didn't know when enough was enough. So make sure you know what you're looking for [00:21:00] and know how many times feels like the right amount to know that you've done everything that you can or else you will also have the perpetual task li of fixing him forever.

As I share these common beliefs around what keeps us stuck, I share these beliefs too in my own personal story.

I, I want you to know that I know you want him to change, and I know that that's coming from a really loving place. What I also want you to know is that your life doesn't change only when he changes. Your life changes when you rise and you shift into the woman that no longer negotiates with potential.

When you choose to face reality over fantasy, when you choose to tend to your scared parts so that you can feel empowered from within, so that you can feel worthy [00:22:00] from within and when you choose yourself. Over the hope that someday he'll become the man who can finally love you.

Making those choices, making those shifts, is not about you becoming a cold hearted bitch. It is about you becoming clearer.

It's about you becoming the woman who is taking control over her own life.

In my existence in this life, I have had a lot of lessons around control and redirecting my control, letting go of things that I don't have control over. And I remember being in that relationship and I felt so out of control. Because I felt like all of my okayness was dependent on whether he decided to do the thing or not.

I was so focused on getting him to, to realize that he needed to make the change that I would feel okay instead of. [00:23:00] Making the change for myself that would make me feel okay. When you take that power back, you regain control of your life leaving that power in someone else's hands is really, really scary, especially if they decide to never change.

Then what does that leave you with?

It is a hard place to be and I see you. So if you are exhausted from pouring your energy into someone who refuses to rise, if you have been carrying the emotional weight and calling it love. And you're ready to stop hoping for someone to make their mind up, that they want to reach a potential that will make your life better and start healing for real for you, and regain that control, then I have a free guide that I want you to download.

It is called trust yourself more than His Potential, and it's going to help you get super clear on what has been keeping you stuck, and it's going to show you how you can [00:24:00] break that cycle so that you can start to come home to yourself.

The link is in the show notes. Again, it's a free guide. It's called Trust Yourself More Than His Potential.

Okay. I know this was a heavy one and I share this with compassion and so much love because I wish that I had this episode when I was going through this with my ex. So as always, I say this with deep compassion and I want you to give yourself some grace as you absorb this information or maybe replay this episode and to leave you to today, I want to offer you a message from the Oracle deck.

The message is silence. Let me find silence in the book. And I will read to you what silence says. Be quiet. Stop talking. Allow yourself to be immersed in silence. Quiet the mind. Darken the screens. Listen, there is much to be heard. A message comes to you by way of silence. It's telling you that your system is [00:25:00] overcrowded, overstimulated, and you are saying too much.

Now is the time to be quiet. Close your lips. Give yourself time to marinate on your ideas, opinions and judgment. A dream is forming within you and it's not time to speak of it. Hold your ideas close to you for the time being. You will know when it is. Time to speak them into being speaking to early may.

Lead to criticism of others and self-doubt. Stay quiet and observe. It's always perfect. Always perfect. Oftentimes when we are starting to come into a truth about something, it can be really important to not try to share that with people who aren't safe. And by safe I mean people who can't hold emotional space.

So keeping it within you until you've had time for it to percolate and actualize into more of a solid decision or opinion is helpful. Finding people who can hold space [00:26:00] for you to process through that is really helpful. Um, but being really careful of who you're sharing these really intimate things with, with clients.

I talk about this metaphor of gems and that. We have these gems, we have these experiences, these traumas, these ideas, these things that feel really, really dear to our heart, like our, our most precious things. And not everybody gets to see those.

So being careful of just who you choose to share certain information with is really helpful, especially when you're feeling really vulnerable and confused. So find your safe people. Remember to download your free guide. The link is in the show notes.

And until I see you in the next episode, please remember that you are not alone.