Hey, and welcome back to the show.

Today we're going to talk about what's really holding you back from going after the life you want.

Have you ever imagined building a life you love, but got stuck in between the what ifs, expectations and obligations in your life?

Welcome to Building a life you Love, the podcast dedicated to helping you step into a life where your passion blossoms from within, your faith deepens, and simplicity becomes your favorite synonym for everyday life.

Hi, I'm your host, Kristen, an encourager, a faith led entrepreneur, a mom and a wife.

Join me each week as we dive into creating positive habits, stepping out of your comfort zone, making space for meaningful work and relationships.

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The real question is, have you ever felt like something invisible is keeping you from making the change?

Whether it's launching your dream business, asking for more, pursuing healing, or showing up more fully in your relationships or faith.

In this episode, I'm uncovering the real reason so many of us feel stuck, unworthy or unsure when it comes to fixing or shifting our lives.

We're going to talk about the fear underneath your hesitation, the stories that we've been telling ourselves, and how to break the pattern so that we can boldly go after the life we want and we're absolutely worth it.

So whether it's money, health, faith, or your career, this is your wake up call to stop settling and start shifting.

So listen, have you ever felt like something's off but you can't name it?

I've been here so many times over the years and it's usually because I don't even realize I'm standing in my own way.

So let me give you an example of that.

A previous company that I worked for, I had hired a team member.

So technically he was one of my direct reports and I hired him for a higher salary than my own.

Now, on the surface I can say that there's nothing wrong with that because I was happy in my job and I justified that.

Well, he needed the money and I didn't necessarily.

Now, that didn't mean I couldn't use the money, right?

I had at the time three sons.

They were getting ready to start college soon, the first son, and so absolutely that could have, you know, more money, could have helped us put it towards college.

Or other bills or investments that we would like to do.

But I justified to myself that by saying that I should have my salary upped up, leveled, if you will, or talking about my salary with the boss, I justified in my mind why it was fine that I was going to pay somebody more than I made.

Yes, it was a different job, right?

Like they had a specialty and I was more of a general overseeing, you know, a department.

But my point is, this is the sort of thing I'm talking about.

Why was I holding my back, myself back from making more money, or why wasn't I willing to ask?

Because in one way, it's not that I didn't think I deserved more money, but I also was convincing myself or explaining away why it was okay that I made less money.

So the question is, what in your life are you doing that to yourself?

Maybe it's not asking for a raise.

Maybe it's every time your relationship's going well, you sabotage it or you get in a fight.

Maybe it's that you're not willing to step out of the career path you've been on into something different, even though you know your heart is crushed and that it's not the right place for you anymore.

Maybe it's that you've been wanting to travel the world, but you keep saying, one day or, I don't want to spend the money right now because it's not responsible.

Remember reading in the book the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks?

And if you don't know, he's not only an author, but I think he.

I don't know if you'd call himself a therapist, but he basically does relationship transformation and body mind therapies.

But he's helped all sorts of people with negative thinking and tapping into your genius zone, which is basically what he first talks about in the Big Leap.

But he explains that one woman he's helping, she's a writer.

And I think she had written one book, and she is supposed to be working on a second book, but she's just struggling.

She's not getting any writing done, or at least not of much.

Not much substance or not making time for it.

So they go through her schedule, right, her daily schedule.

And they talk about, you know, her priorities.

And she says one of her main priorities is getting this book done, right?

To get her second.

Second book finished.

But when she walks through her daily routine, she explains that before she can sit down and write, she has all these other things she's doing, right?

So it's tidying the house and, like, there's this whole list of things.

But then when Gay goes to explain to her that if her priority is actually writing, yet she doesn't prioritize putting writing first during the day or earlier in the day, then she's actually by her schedule showing that her priority, last priority is writing.

In other words, it's only what she has left in her when she sits down to write.

So anyways, when she's, when she is shown this, right, she becomes aware of it.

She starts realizing that she's technically not prioritizing her writing.

And so she's able to then change, right, to make a change, to shift her patterns.

But I think it's true with most of us, which is we don't realize that we're sabotaging ourselves because we are putting everyone or everything before what it is that we say we value or what it is that we want to change or improve in our lives.

And so I think we have to be careful of this because I think as women especially, this is really easy for this to happen to us.

And so let me start walking into what are some of the top reasons that women in general especially hold themselves back.

So the first reason is it's just subconscious limiting beliefs.

So women are more likely to underestimate their abilities and hesitate to apply for roles or make big changes unless they feel 100% ready.

That's from Harvard Business Review.

And many women have an internal belief, whether they've ever voiced or not, of I don't deserve more, I'll get to it later, or I'm not good enough.

Look at the example that I gave you about the money I was making at a company I was working for.

It wasn't that I thought I don't deserve it, but I thought I don't need it.

Or I thought I'm being greedy or selfish to ask for them to up my salary just because I was hiring someone that made more.

So in other words, I was letting myself play smaller as far as my finances to make them feel better.

Do you see what I'm saying there?

And so this is what I'm saying is even if my belief wasn't that I'm not good enough to make more money, I mean, I know that I could have looked for a different job and it been all about the money, but I felt thankful that I had, you know, I had a remote job for the most part, I had flexibility.

And so those things were more important to me than the paycheck.

But that doesn't mean that I should undermine myself and not get Paid more.

If that's the what I should have been being paid.

Okay.

The next thing is, the next reason that a lot of us hold ourselves back is a fear of judgment or failure.

Fear of disappointing others, not meeting expectations, or we're worried about what people will think.

What if I mess up?

What if.

What if I'm too late?

What if they don't think I'm good enough, right?

Or I did a good enough job?

I have to be honest with you, this still gets in my way.

When I'm going to do a short social media, post a video, I will record it.

But then when I watch it back, I think, oh, I don't know.

I don't know if I want to post that.

What will so and so think?

Like, that literally goes through my mind.

And I have to be really careful because it's really easy to go from doing something that I wanted to share, right, a piece of content, to then questioning my content.

And then that holds me up because for days I might think, I don't know, maybe I should do something different.

Well, that sort of questioning of my content or myself, it is.

I'm losing my momentum when that happens.

And instead of just moving forward, right, one domino after the other because of my effort, it is derailing me.

Or it's slowing down my train, right?

It's slowing down my momentum.

And so I think if you ask yourself, there are probably some fears of judgment or feel of fear of failure spinning around somewhere in that head of yours, because I know I have some of those spinning around in my head, even for all the work that I try to do in this area, they still, some of them still come up.

All right?

The next reason why so many of us can hold ourselves back is guilt from past choices or over responsibility.

This is even more common with women because so many of us are the caregivers, whether it's for kids or whether it's for, like, aging parents or even possibly a spouse.

But in so many cases, right, it's not that women are just working possibly outside of the home, right, in a career, but then they're in a lot of households, they're maybe doing more chores.

They might be doing dinner, primarily taking care of the kids more, or at least taking care of all their things like appointments and school events and things like that.

Now, this is not the case for in every home.

But I'm just saying in a lot of cases, women are taking on a lot of things, especially the caregiving and the serving roles.

And because of that, that's where What I just mentioned comes in, right, that guilt for wanting more when we're the ones that are the caregivers.

Like, we don't feel comfortable putting our needs or our desires or interests or hobbies above caring for everybody.

And so when we finally get to a point in life where maybe we have a little bit more time, it still feels off or odd or it makes us feel a certain way that we are thinking about putting ourselves closer to the top of the list.

And so we just have to remember that we deserve to go after our dreams.

We deserve to go after, like, being healthy and committing the time to be healthy, to find peacefulness in our lives and to step into more purpose as our seasons change.

And so we shouldn't feel bad about that.

All right?

The last reason why so many of us don't go after what we want or let life hold us back is one of two things.

It is overwhelm or, and or decision fatigue.

So many of us have so many demands on us.

We don't have the space or we don't make the space to reflect, to see where maybe we need to make changes.

We need to cut something out.

We need to pause something for a season.

And the number of decisions we have to make today versus decades or centuries ago is astronomical because we are bombarded all of the time.

Our phones ring, ding ping.

Our computers ring, ding ping.

The phones ring, ding ping.

The people in our lives, deadlines come faster.

Our kids, if we have kids that are, you know, young to high school age, they're in more activities than kids were many decades ago.

And so we have so many demands on us.

And if we're not careful, it's exhausting, but it's also overwhelming.

And then there's all the noise, I'm sorry, auditory noise.

Like, there's just so many things, but all the tiny decisions we have to make constantly add to our total decisions, even if they're not big and important decisions.

So do I respond to the text?

Do I.

Do I answer the phone call right now?

Do I finish this email?

Do I let myself get distracted another time?

What am I going to eat for dinner?

So all of these little things, do I look at the ad?

Is this a scam?

Right?

A text message you got?

So we're constantly having to look at our environment and make choices.

Constantly.

And that is why when we have bigger decisions to make, whether it's finishing a project or whether it's life decisions, we feel decision fatigue or overwhelmed.

And so it's our job to pause or to regularly Slow things down enough so that we can reflect on what's going on, so that we can decide where do we need to eliminate stuff, where do we need to quiet down the noise, all of the decisions we have to make or have to even think about, how do we do the most important things and prioritize those things and let go some of the noise, some of the distraction.

And so that is what's going to help us not be held back by not being able to even make a decision.

Because we're just worn out by the end of the day, not just physically, but mentally.

Right.

How can we make be intentional?

How can we prioritize new things or things as our seasons change if we don't have the time and space to actually think about it?

Okay, so I have a couple questions that you can journal about or write down and reflect on later.

Okay, so get your pen and paper out and here is what they are.

The first question that you can ask is, what area of my life do I feel disconnected from or dissatisfied with?

This could be that you're overwhelmed in your job.

It could be that you feel like all you do is carpool your kids from one activity or maybe four activities a night to the next, right.

Night after night.

And that doesn't mean it could be that you don't feel fulfilled as much as, you know, you could be in your marriage or your relationship with your kids, maybe if they're older, Right?

So it's.

Where do you feel disconnected?

Like, if you're driving your kids every night, it might be a great opportunity to connect with them.

But sometimes you don't have any downtime, and so it's just wearing.

So then you, once you figure this out, is there a dissatisfaction or disconnection, like if it's in your marriage?

Well, if you write that down later, you'll want to start digging into why is that maybe the two of you never have time to connect as a couple, not just as a family or not just with other couples.

Or you're just so busy, it's like two shifts in the night, right?

Like you're on different schedules.

And so that's going to take some intention of figuring out.

When can we make time, right, to just reconnect, to catch up, to go do something fun, something light.

And sometimes it's not going to be in the evening or typical, like a weekend night.

Because for some couples of their schedules or their kids, schedules doesn't allow for that.

So I know some couples meet during the week for lunch or whatever it might be because that's a time where their kids maybe are at school or they're doing, you know, they're busy.

So that's just an example.

All right, the next question is, what story have I been telling myself about why I can't change something?

Right.

Or change it?

And this could be about where you feel disconnected or dissatisfied, but it could also be about if something's holding you back.

Let's say that you've been in the same job for a decade, which is amazing, by the way, if you have and if you like your job.

But let's say you just feel like you, you're not excelling.

There's no opportunity for growth, but you want to grow or you want a new opportunity, right?

You have all this experience, or maybe it's just not flexible and it doesn't align with where you're at in life right now, whether it's because you want to be more available to your family and, or whatever the reason.

And so then ask yourself, like, why don't I think I can do something about it?

For many of us, it's because we get stuck in thinking that the unknown is worse than the known.

Meaning.

Well, I'm going to stay at my job even though I feel miserable and exhausted every day, because I'm going to get more of a pension.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

What I'm saying is if you're already going to get, let's say, you know, money because you've been there for 20 years and you could leave and do something else that you're, you're passionate about, that you would love to do and spend your days doing, then I don't.

It's not worth it necessarily to work for five or 10 more years and a job you're miserable in just to get a little bit more percentage of a pension.

Now, I'm not saying that's true in every case.

What I'm saying is we worry about, we want to feel safe.

And sometimes changing, shifting, transitioning to something else doesn't feel safe.

And so we'd rather stay where it feels safe, even if we're miserable or we are so dissatisfied, like our gut is just twisted every day.

Well, I'd say to you, your health is worth more than staying in a place that's toxic.

Now, obviously, I'm not saying everybody's in toxic jobs.

What I'm saying is if you're someone that wishes, like, you dream about changing careers or jobs, but you're, you're staying there out of fear, Right.

A fear that the unknown or the next thing is unsafe because you don't know what it would be or how much money you'd make.

That's not the right reason.

In other words, go and do your pros and cons, like talk through it with somebody, look at what other opportunities might be available.

Right.

I'm not saying like, go quit your job.

What I'm saying is if it's something that it's literally sucking the life out of you and there's nothing you can do to improve it or fix it, and it's literally detrimental to your body, your soul, then, then that is where we need to say, like, am I staying because I'm afraid that I'll get a different job that might be better?

Am I staying because this feels safe even though I'm not happy versus walking through the unknown to something else that might be better?

And so that's all I'm saying is, like, we have to get to the root of, like, what are we telling ourselves and is it true?

Or are we holding on because of something else?

Right.

That like, it feels safe or because we're afraid?

Next question.

Who benefits from me staying small or stuck?

Right.

Not you.

There is a woman that I talked with and, you know, coached with a little bit years ago and she had left a company she was working for.

I'm not going to be specific about what she did, but let's just say it was in a professional type firm and the company she'd been been at for a long time.

She had some life changes happen and she wanted, she needed more flexibility, like to work a different schedule, just somewhat, slightly.

And she also knew that she hadn't really been given a raise and this is a very profitable professional type company.

So she eventually left and went to a different company where she got more of those things.

The thing is, when she asked her first employer if she could change her schedule a bit, they were basically like, no, nope, these are the hours.

And there was no flexibility for her.

There was even no conversation around it.

So in other words, she wasn't valued for the level she was giving to the company because the company later continued to try to reach her and have her come back.

And of course then they were more willing to talk about some changes.

And she was afraid to go back to that company, even though I think they were going to offer her more money, because.

Right.

She was, she was like, well, I'm not sure that they'll give me what I want, but she wasn't even willing to ask them because they were keeping her small in the past, right?

They weren't really honoring how much of a valuable team player she was, a team member, but yet after she left, they realized how exceptional she was and how valuable she was and that they lost her because they weren't really willing to hear what she needed and how to have a happy employee.

They could have paid her probably just a little bit more and let her shift her schedule by an hour or two.

It wouldn't have hurt their business, but it would have done everything for her.

And guess what?

She would have been a more satisfied employee, stayed even longer, and would have helped them continue to grow their big successful business.

Even better because they had employees that were happy and were taken care of.

So that is how we stay stuck or we play small, is we're afraid to ask.

Or if we ask and the people say no, but their reasoning isn't, it's showing us that they're not valuing us, then it might be time to go do something else.

Find a better place that will value our talent, our community gifts and our abilities.

Now maybe it's that you're, you feel stuck and it's in a relationship.

Well, once again, you just want to understand, like, is the other person trying to keep you stuck or is it just because there's a lack of communication?

Maybe there's a lack of time when everybody is like, has patience and has like time to invest in the relationship.

So it's just a question to think about and then, you know, reflect on it based on what's going on in your life.

All right, the next question.

What would it feel like to give myself permission to want more?

Are you, like, the thing is, is are we settling for less?

By that I mean, I just went on a, a four day, I guess a four day trip with my husband just to have a little time.

It was our anniversary week.

And as our kids have gotten older, you know, now they're college age, we will try to go on a weekend trip.

Not necessarily every year, but a lot more because now they're, you know, we don't have to be here.

The thing though is, is it's easy for me to start telling myself, no, you know what, maybe we shouldn't spend the money or, you know, we went somewhere, not just us, but with other people in February.

Am I being unreasonable, right?

That like, we were going to take a trip and we weren't taking some extravagant trip.

We were literally driving a couple hours into the mountains and just staying in a, you know, a beautiful house in the mountains, but a smaller house that was a great size for just a couple.

But the point is, is I.

Then I gave myself permission to say no.

I. I want to do this.

I want to get away.

I want to get away with my husband.

I want to have time for just us, right?

Where it's not about all the things we have to get done at the house.

It's not about going with other couples where then I, as a group, we're deciding what's going to.

What we're going to all do.

It's not when it revolves around the kids or sports.

And so I had to remind myself that that is important and worth the investment, and it is worth our time to reconnect and invest in our relationship.

So ask yourself, what would it feel like to give yourself permission to want more?

In other words, we don't have to settle for less.

We don't have to say, like, no, no, it's okay.

Like, what actually would make your life fuller and more fulfilling?

Because when we do that, when we come back, right, when we.

When we treat ourselves that way, which is basically a place of love, we're treating ourselves with love by doing kind and good things, taking care of us.

Ourselves like to be healthy.

But when we do that, we are better positioned to serve other people, right?

To show up in the most loving way in the world.

All right, last question.

What is one small step I can take today to move in a new direction?

So where have you been feeling like you've been held back?

And what is it that you want to take one tiny step towards?

Just to go with example of career?

Just.

Just because I mentioned that as an example earlier, let's say that you would love to do something else or change jobs, but you're not ready, right?

And you haven't planned for it.

But you could spend 30 minutes in the evening or the weekend researching other opportunities, right?

You could spend 30 minutes talking to a friend that has maybe a job or career that's maybe related to what you do, but a little bit different, and you just want to pick their brain.

That would be one small step in a new direction for you.

Maybe it's that you've always been hesitant to go sign up for a class that you've been interested in, but you just thought, no, that seems silly.

I would feel embarrassed.

Go research classes, right?

I don't care if it's a music class, an art class, a cooking class, a book club, whatever it might be, but, like, you've held yourself back from doing it because you felt uncomfortable if you were just to show up there by yourself.

Well, I'm telling you, either invite a girlfriend or just go do it by yourself because you've wanted to do it.

I promise it'll be worth it.

So take that step.

Sign up for the class or whatever it might be.

Okay, let's see.

So the last thing that I just want to share with you is the quote by Howard Thurman which says don't ask what the world needs, ask what makes you come alive and go do it.

Because what the world needs is is people who have come alive.

And then I'll just share the scripture I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

That's John 10:10 I hope this episode gave you some food for thought.

I hope it made you think about Is something holding you back in your life?

Do you feel stagnant but you want to get unstuck?

Then I hope there's a couple tidbits in here for you.

Also, if you haven't already, go head over to my website KristinFitch.com and grab my five days to reignite your Passion workbook.

It is a really powerful quick read and like I said, you can do it.

You could do it in a day, but it's really designed to do one small thing for five days in a row to help you reignite your passion, to get unstuck, to get, and to rekindle that spark within you.

So if you haven't grabbed it yet, go onto my website and grab it.

If you don't see it in the pop up then go over to the Freebies page and you'll see it right away.

Until next time, I have you.

Hope you have a great and beautiful day and thanks again for listening in.

And if you enjoyed the show, we'd love it if you'd subscribe and leave us a review and rating on Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts and you can check out freebie and resources we have for you@kristenfitch.com and if you have ideas for the show or guests that you'd like to recommend, I'd love to hear from you.

So DM me on Instagram at kristenfitch or you can email me from the website.

Thanks so much.

Until next time, have a great week.