COLD OPEN

NARRATOR

It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes!

And today brings us to Harper’s latest night shift at the firm of Smith, Smithers, Smythe, and Smed, which has a rather more…eerie atmosphere than usual.

[Sound of an empty office creaking. Horror movie lights flickering. We hear TV static before it switches on.]

ANCHOR

[from TV]

Andy, we have a problem: did anybody ever find out his actual name?

[muffled response over a phone/comms/whatever]

That IS his actual name?

[muffled response over a phone/comms/whatever]

What? Are we already live?!

[Clears throat]

Hello, we apologize for the technical difficulties. Today, the eyes of this city have been blinded yet again. No longer will people take the high road when someone is intent on dropping it low. I’m talking, of course, about the latest incident concerning the “superhero” known only to the public as…

[disdain]

Denom with an O.

[Fade out]

After another gratuitous display of deplorable bootay, our sources say that the people have seen the rear end of it. A group of concerned citiz…

[Pull away from the TV as it returns to static]

[Begin spooky music]

[Door/Elevator opening chime]

HARPER

[Sounding tired]

LOIS, what time is it?

LOIS

It is 1:27 AM, Mx. Hallo.

[Harper sighs and rattles around in their bag]

HARPER

I'm gonna need more of these.

[Pops tab on can and chugs liquid in go. Including one to two breaks where it sounds like it will stop then resumes.]

It’s so… dead in here. And it’s lit like a slasher movie. Did the janitors forget Mr. Aria was down here and turn the lights off again?

LOIS

Perhaps Mr. Aria went home early after you broke his fragile little heart last week.

HARPER

Hush, LOIS. Hey, did you pick this music?

LOIS

No, I don’t know where that’s coming from, actually.

[Harper walks towards the source of the music]

RADIO DJ

[in background, getting louder]

Thanks for listening to the 1 AM spooky movie power hour. This next track will chill your bones! It’s..

[Harper turns the radio off]

LOIS

Mx. Hallo, please be careful. You are —

[The sound of movement through the dark behind Harper]

HARPER

Haha good one, LOIS! You almost made me think I wasn’t alone.

LOIS

That was what I wanted to say, Mx Hallo. You are not alone.

[The skulking sound from the darkness gets louder]

HARPER

[Nervous]

Nice try, LOIS. I'm just going to rush to Mr. Aria’s office… before I'm late. Haha, I’ll be safe there, right? In the vampire’s lair…

[Harper begins towards the office as tension builds]

LOIS

He is waiting there for you.

[eerie office sounds get louder]

HARPER

There's nothing in the dark. You're just being paranoid.

[Harper's footsteps speed up]

And LOIS is messing with you, you know how she is.

[footsteps]

There it is! Yessss, hello sweet safety!

DENOM

[Deep and scratchy voice]

Finally!

[Denom drops from the ceiling. Harper screams and then flips him over their shoulder]

DILLON

Ow! Holy shit, you’ve got an arm!

HARPER

WHO DO YOU WORK FOR???

MAL

Mx. Hallo… that's our client.

[beat]

HARPER

Oops.

TITLE SEQUENCE

SCENE TWO

[Jeans ripping and zipping sounds]

HARPER

I’m so sorry about that! LOIS had me worked up.

[Harper helps Dillon up]

LOIS

I have no idea what you are referring to, Mx. Hallo. I simply conveyed the facts, and informed you of the presence of a client.

HARPER

You never specified client!

[to Dillon]

And in my defense? You’re terrifying. The ripped fabric eyes and mouth? You look like a movie monster!

DILLON

Our fault. We should remember to greet people I can trust with my normal face instead of black denim.

[Under his breath]

Yes, it is our fault!

HARPER

Our-?

DILLON

Anyway, uh, maybe we could start this over?

HARPER

Yes, certainly! I’m Harper Hallo, a junior associate here.

DILLON

I'm Dillon. But you probably know me as... Denom.

MAL

Come into my office, both of you! We have work to do, thanks to this miscreant.

[The three shuffle in and sit down as Mal closes the door]

HARPER

Me, miscreant? Or him, miscreant?

MAL

Him. Mostly.

[Mal slaps Dillon on the back of the head and angry zipper rustling begins]

DILLON

Wow, what did you do to piss him off?

HARPER

[shamefaced]

I may have arranged for a client to kidnap some people.

DILLON

…Oh.

MAL

This meeting isn’t about them. Mx. Hallo, I trust you can stay in your legal lane this time?

HARPER

Yes, sir…

MAL

Good. Mr. Denom, please focus. I am going out of my way to help you with this. I would say someone should tan your hide, but since you have already paraded it around town, I doubt that would do much good.

DILLON

You’re right, I’m sorry. You’re doing me a huge favor.

MAL

Correct. Now, if you would, please update young Hallo on your situation.

HARPER

What’s the case?

DILLON

So, I’m a superhero. Sort of. Mostly. But my suit can be… problematic, sometimes. It's living denim that I can stretch and manipulate like so, so it’s always moving, and it makes me pretty prone to… wardrobe malfunctions.

MAL

Precisely what brings us here.

DILLON

So I’ve had some incidents with my ass hanging out. Or worse…

[angry zipper noises]

No, I wouldn’t rather you let them get hurt. I would just prefer…

[Harper clears their throat]

DILLON

Sorry! There was…an incident recently. It seems the sight of me caused an accident.

MAL

A collision involving at least 4 vehicles on the Lantern Bridge, to be precise.

DILLON

No one was killed, thankfully, but there were some injuries, and of course quite a bit of damage to the cars. So I’m being sued.

MAL

Indeed. We’ll be handling the civil portion of his situation.

HARPER

The civil portion?

LOIS

Your consultant is here, Mr. Aria.

MAL

Excellent timing, LOIS. Let her know we’re ready for her.

DEBBIE

She already did. Mal.

MAL

Ms. Topps. Thank you for coming at such a nocturnal hour.

DEBBIE

You know me, Mal. Practically nocturnal anyway.

[sees Harper]

Kid from jury duty! Given any more thought to going where the action is? I’m telling you, inside out ribcages. You’ll never be bored!

HARPER

Uh, hi… No, I’m pretty happy here. I don’t think I’ve ever been that bored.

DEBBIE

Suit yourself!

[to Dillon]

You must be my new client.

DILLON

Uh yeah. Hello. I’m Dillon.

MAL

Your timing is perfect, Ms. Topps. I was about to explain to Mx. Hallo the criminal component to Mr. Denom’s situation.

DEBBIE

Indecent exposure charges. Pretty tame, honestly.

HARPER

No ribcages.

DEBBIE

Actually, you’d be surprised! I had one case–

MAL

This one caused some serious injuries, and with his repeat history, the DA’s office may try to make an example of him.

DEBBIE

Of course.

[to Dillon]

I’ve looked into it, young man. And people are fed up with you playing to the gallery! There are so many incidents attached to this case I have a stack of paperwork I’ll be sorting through for a week before I can even figure out what the tipping point was. Bank robberies, bus crashes, hell, even the hospital.

DILLON

It can’t be that much! I’ve only been active as a hero for a few months!

[Phone tapping noises]

DEBBIE

And in that time over half of the city has seen your keister. I’ll need some time to get a sense of the public opin–

HARPER

Oh, I can check! I’m great with FlySpace. Aaaaand… yep, here’s some discourse.

VIDEO 1

Won’t somebody please think of the children!!!

VIDEO 2

Sign this Change.org petition to have Denom permanently submerged in water to prevent him from moving in jeans!

VIDEO 3

This week our cause has been set back by thirty years. Not since November 6th 2003 have we seen such a horrible day for not just jean jackets, but all denim lobbyists.

HARPER

So, initial looks aren't good, but I'm seeing some backlash to the backlash starting to emerge, as well as some supportive hashtags. #IdreamofJeany, #Don'tbeafrayed with a y, and #Honeybakethosehams. Gosh, thirst-Flyspace was a mistake.

MAL

It seems you have strategy covered for this case, Mx. Hallo. I want you to know the ins and outs of the whole situation. We’ll be sharing what we find with Ms. Topps. Go over any incidents you can find and see what reactions you can link to them.

HARPER

Can do, Mr. Aria.

DEBBIE

I’ve got 97 other cases on my desk at the moment, so once I’m done sifting through the blood and guts I’ll check back in. Dillon, since they haven’t brought charges yet this isn’t urgent, but I’ll need you to be on your best behavior until we handle this.

DILLON

What do you mean?

DEBBIE

Stay out of trouble and put on some knickers.

DILLON

The costume chafes when I wear things under the suit.

DEBBIE

Nope, nope, nope. You’re not wearing the suit. No patrols, no rescues. Catch up on a good book.

DILLON

But what if —

DEBBIE

There are other heroes, Dillon, ones I'm not responsible for. Stay. At. Home.

DILLON

Okay.

[Jeans rustling]

[Exasperated]

No, we should listen to her.

[Zip sound]

Yes, I know that, but if you — er, we — get in any more trouble…

[Jeans fraying]

No, no, I’m not blaming you, just—

MAL

Enough. Take it outside, you two.

[door closes]

Ms. Topps–

DEBBIE

Please, Mal. How long have we known each other? Debbie.

MAL

… Ms. Topps. I’ll let you know when we have something for you.

DEBBIE

And I’ll let you know when I get a break between spinal-fluid drinking serial killers. Say hi to your husband!

MAL

[sighs]

I shall.

DEBBIE

[stands to leave]

Good to see you again, kid. Let me know when you get bored.

HARPER

O...okay.

[Debbie leaves]

Uh, Mr. Aria…. Are those really living jeans or is he just talking to himse–?

MAL

I have no idea and I don't intend to find out.

SCENE THREE

[Harper snoring and sounds of a busy office]

[Cup is set down and Harper startles awake]

COLE

I was wondering where the chainsaw was. Brought you some coffee.

HARPER

Hi Ms. Castillo, Ms. Firestein. Night shift is… hard.

BONNIE

I kind of thought you were used to it by now.

HARPER

Well, this case is… particularly challenging.

COLE

Ah, yeah. Denom, right?

HARPER

Yeah, I've been combing through footage of as many incidents as I can find while Mr. Aria goes through the paperwork. We're fighting an uphill battle with both criminal and civil charges. But Mr. Aria seems to really care about this case.

BONNIE

He can get like that sometimes. How's the client?

COLE

Guessing he’s a bit cheeky.

HARPER

Ignoring that… he’s odd. He’s always talking to himself.

BONNIE

Ha, I’ve been there before. Remind me to tell you about Nightcape sometime. It was like I wasn’t even in the room with them.

HARPER

[stretching sounds]

I need a break. I’ve seen so many shots of this guy’s tuchus that I’m dreaming about scheduling a mind wipe when we’re through this. Denom’s been doing this for months, lots to see. In every sense.

COLE

It’s certainly not the first time I've heard of his caboose pulling into the station.

HARPER

Exactly. And with that image burned into my eyes, I’m having a hard time seeing an angle.

COLE

Hmmm. A real crack in the foundation.

BONNIE

Okay, no more puns for you.

HARPER

And…well, we’re working with a criminal attorney, and I’m both eager and terrified to impress her. She keeps trying to recruit me.

COLE

No! No crim for you!

BONNIE

You’re not considering it, are you?

HARPER

Her recruitment tactic seems to mostly be talking about ribcages? I think I’m alright. My boss may be a vampire, but there there be monsters.

COLE

Good. I thought we might lose you after graduation, but not to that den of horrors!

HARPER

No, I’m planning to stay. If Mr. Aria wants to keep me around, that is.

BONNIE

Of course he does! Why wouldn’t he?

HARPER

[forced cheer covering sadness]

Uh, just thinking of all eventualities!

[work mode]

In the meantime, though, there’s so much public outrage about Denom that I’m having trouble getting specifics about the accident he’s getting sued for. And I’m still not entirely clear on why he keeps flashing people — all the outrage is focused on what they saw, not on the moments leading up to the incidents. There’s gotta be a reason this guy keeps doing this, right?

BONNIE

Presumably. I heard Mr. Aria took this one pro bono — Cole, don’t say anything!

COLE

I can’t imagine what you thought I’d say.

BONNIE

But Mr. Aria is definitely not gonna do that for a guy who just flashes people. You need to find out why Mr. Aria thinks he’s worth defending. Maybe that will help with your strategy. The more information you can get, the better off you’ll be.

HARPER

Yeah, maybe if I know what I’m fighting for here it’ll be a bit easier to get behind him.

COLE

[Under breath]

Please tell me that was on pur —

BONNIE

Exactly! A chat with Mr. Aria may be all you need to get over this rump.

[Harper gives a slight chuckle]

COLE

Dang, that’s the one that got you?

BONNIE

Quality over quantity, babe. Let's get to that meeting.

SCENE FOUR

[Knock on office door]

MAL

Come in.

HARPER

Mr. Aria, I was hoping–oh, hi, other Mr. Aria!

ROSS

Harper! You can still call me Ross.

HARPER

Oh, ok. Um. Sorry again for–

ROSS

No need!

HARPER

Right. Just another thing to add to my list, I guess, ha…

MAL

What did you need, Mx. Hallo?

HARPER

Oh, um. I’m just looking for a little more context for my research for the Denom case? There’s a lot of footage of him… you know, flashing people. But they’re all so focused on his…parts…that I’m not finding a lot to explain why he keeps doing it.

[beat]

Do you know how many times an uncomfortable amount of his body has been shown to the public?

MAL

LOIS?

LOIS

In the last 3 months the public figure known as Denom has exposed his upper torso 78 times and his partial posterior 27 times.

HARPER

Wow. He’s lucky only one of those incidents caused an accident! I can’t believe it’s taken so long for criminal charges…

LOIS

Ms. Topps has arrived, Mr. Aria.

HARPER

Oh, I summoned her…

DEBBIE

[Batman-meets-Lurch voice]

You rang?

HARPER

[slight startled scream]

Uh, hi Ms. Topps.

DEBBIE

[cheerful]

Call me Debbie!

MAL

I believe Mx. Hallo was just wondering–

DEBBIE

Ross! You old devil, how’ve you been?

ROSS

Debs! I heard you might turn up. Thought I’d lurk.

DEBBIE

And here I thought your lurking days were behind you! Missing the smell of blood?

ROSS

[laughs]

Hardly, that’s the one thing I still get plenty of.

DEBBIE

I suppose you would. Fine, then, missing the spinal fluid?

ROSS

A bit.

HARPER

Um. I thought you were a kindergarten teacher…

MAL

Enough. Ms. Topps–

DEBBIE

Debbie.

MAL

You are busy, are you not?

DEBBIE

Always.

MAL

Mx. Hallo was hoping you could give them some insight into why it’s taken so long for charges to be considered in Denom’s case. And still longer to bring them, as he’s yet to be arrested.

DEBBIE

Oh, you know us crim attorneys, Mal. We don’t get out of bed for less than a gallon of the red stuff. The prosecution side’s no different. An arm and a leg? We’re there. With Denom, we know all his parts are in the right places. It’s just not a priority.

MAL

[grunts]

Right. Mx. Hallo? Does that satisfy you?

HARPER

Okay, so that’s why he’s not getting arrested. But that still doesn’t explain why he’s doing it in the first place.

MAL

Every incident of what he calls “wardrobe malfunction” has been in the process of a rescue of some sort. He’s a hero.

HARPER

I checked, he’s not licensed anywhere! And why would none of the footage show the heroics? And why are you taking this case pro bono?

MAL

Perhaps I’m trying to show you the way that lawyers help people without shenanigans.

HARPER

… and you chose this guy?

MAL

Keep digging, Mx. Hallo. I have full confidence you’ll find what you’re looking for.

DEBBIE

And then some.

HARPER

[sigh]

No more shortcuts. You’re right. I’ll keep looking.

ROSS

Keep your chin up, kid.

DEBBIE

And attached to your face, if possible. Ross, remember that one case–

ROSS

With the jawbone! Yes!

HARPER

[quickly]

I’m gonna go…uh, research things. And talk to the client.

SCENE FIVE

[Sounds of a busy street and a cab door opening. Inner City chatter]

HARPER

[into a phone]

Okay, I'm getting out of the cab. See you down here in a second.

STREET SALESMAN

Well, well, well. You look a bit upscale for these parts.

HARPER

Just waiting for someone.

STREET SALESMAN

Oh, of course, of course, you weren't here to look for an under the table spell. No duplication, or sleep sapping, no anti psychic charm...

HARPER

[tempted]

No, no thank — wait, an anti-psychic charm?

DILLON

Harper! Come in. Don't mind Gary, he's an old kook.

GARY THE SALESMAN

Toodles.

[Low budget magic/teleporting effect]

HARPER

Gary, huh…

DILLON

Sorry, it took me a minute to get down.

[they walk upstairs and into the apartment together through the next few lines]

HARPER

Haha, did it take a while to find your denim bathrobe and slippers?

DILLON

Ah! Knew I forgot something. How about a turtleneck instead?

[Jean sounds as his outfit transforms]

HARPER

Better. Although I was definitely not expecting to go with it.

DILLON

He's got weird tastes in fashion, but the jorts are comfy. I'm more sorry about the state of the place.

HARPER

It looks clean enough, but I'm surprised you live in this kind of area.

DILLON

I do a good job of hiding it, but I'm still waiting on a lot of fixes from the landlord. He makes a better deathtrap than any villain I've fought.

HARPER

Aren't you a superhero? I couldn’t find a license, but Mr. Aria said… have you thought about trying to get a sponsorship? That way you could afford a better place than this.

DILLON

Well, right now I’m just a hero in training. It will be a while before I'm making any sort of real money. But that's not why I do it, anyway.

HARPER

Oh, you’re still in training… that’s why I couldn’t find your license on file. You have a permit?

DILLON

Yeah.

HARPER

So if you lose this case you aren't just looking at suspension on top of the money and the criminal charges. You lose your permit right there, huh?

DILLON

[Sheepish]

Yeah… so no more helping people. To be honest, I… well, we both kind of need that.

HARPER

You do?

DILLON

Yeah. To be honest, Harper, we’ve both struggled.

[teacup is placed down in front of him]

Oh, thanks babe. We struggled with doing the right thing when we were younger, and we're trying to make up for it together.

[Dillon takes a sip]

Can you get me the honey and sugar, please? Harper, would you like anything?

HARPER

No, thanks.

[Jean noises]

DILLON

Fair. Having a partner with no taste buds can make this kinda thing a bit risky.

HARPER

Okay, so… this is your way of atoning.

DILLON

Exactly. It's why he's been so antsy being stuck in here all week.

[Denom doing chores in the background sounds]

HARPER

[thinking about their family and choices]

I get that. I don’t think I could just sit around.

[focuses on the task at hand]

So, you’ve been saving people. Why do you think there’s only footage of your, uh. Physical assets? Not your heroics?

DILLON

[sighs]

You know, when The Halo and Cherub turn up, the cell phones come out and start recording right away. When we turn up people just get confused and disturbed looks on their faces. Until…

HARPER

Until there’s something besides excessive denim to look at.

DILLON

Exactly. Then the cameras come out. We’re just not the most glamorous of supers.

HARPER

And you can’t just… find a strategy that doesn’t involve showing your butt?

DILLON

Not really. There's only so much of the suit… so when I need more in one area, it has to come from another part, and that part frays and eventually breaks. So if I need material to save someone or fight something with, well… that’s more important than my modesty.

HARPER

You could wear clothes underneath, then? That aren’t denim?

DILLON

Anything I wear gets destroyed under there. Plenty of heroes take battle damage to their costumes. My trainer said it wouldn't be a big deal. And it wasn't, until last Tuesday.

[Loud bangs of dish washing and denim sounds]

HARPER

What can you tell me about Tuesday? The day of the accident? And can you stop doing chores for a second?

DILLON

Sorry, he's a busybody. Babe, can you give us a minute please?

[Jean sounds settle]

Yeah, that was definitely the tipping point. In the last few days some people have made it clear what a monster I am in my FlySpace DMs. And other people have sent me messages I'm pretty sure count as sexual harassment.

HARPER

So what happened?

DILLON

On Tuesday I saved a school bus. The driver was knocked out, and they swerved off the side of Lantern Bridge. Luckily, we were patrolling.

We swooped down and grabbed the back of the bus with our stitching. But it wasn't enough! Not without…extra denim, to strengthen our hold. To pull up the bus’s rear I had to show off my own. I let almost the whole suit fray while I yanked them back onto the bridge. I had my back to them so the kids on the bus didn't see anything but, uh… people driving on the bridge did.

HARPER

It’s funny, they keep saying things like “won't somebody think of the children…” and you were.

DILLON

Bingo. It is what it is… I'm trying hard to do better, but...

[TV turns on to something very trashy]

Sorry about him. He's been grumpy all day. Gene, would you please record it and watch it later? We have company.

HARPER

It's okay! I need to head out anyway. I should get started researching. Maybe I can use a lesser evil argument, that sort of thing…

DILLON

Well, okay, let me walk you out. He really has a mind of his own.

[walking noises, Harper and Dillon make their way downstairs]

HARPER

[a bit somber]

I, um… I’m going to try really hard to help you, Dillon. I don’t know how I’m gonna do it, but I think you and… Gene… deserve to do what you do.

DILLON

Thanks, Harper. That means a lot.

HARPER

Yeah. I’ll call when I come up with something.

DILLON

Looking forward to it. Safe trip back.

[Harper walks away, the door shuts, a beat passes and then Harper knocks again and waits for Dillon to open up.]

DILLON

Forget something?

HARPER

I just have to ask. D-E-N-O-M? Why that name?

DILLON

I'm dyslexic.

SCENE SIX

HARPER

[paging through books]

Can we argue no duty of care? Not really, his actions definitely affirmatively created risk… Really the only argument I see is that his actions were those of a reasonable person in an emergency, but since he has a permit the courts might apply reasonable super standards and we risk super negligence, which gets so much harder to predict. Stupid permits, super standards but no Q.I. …

No real question of cause, but-for or proximate. Maybe the harm wasn’t foreseeable since this keeps happening but hasn’t been causing accidents every time...

Ugh.

[walking noises, Harper makes their way to Bonnie and Cole’s office]

Ms. Firestein? Ms. Castillo? Are you guys busy? I could use some mentoring.

COLE

Never too busy for you, newbie!

BONNIE

What’s up?

HARPER

I’m having a lot of trouble with the Dillon case. I have a few potential arguments in my head — his actions were reasonable in an emergency, or that the harm wasn’t foreseeable because his past wardrobe malfunctions didn’t cause accidents — but none of them feel good enough. The most convincing thing I can come up with is that all his… uh, slips, happened in the context of heroism, but with public opinion so firmly against him I can’t see a jury or even some judges going for it. I like this guy, I need something airtight and I just can’t find it.

BONNIE

Huh. Well, off the top of my head I’m inclined to agree that that’s your best bet, but you make a good point.

COLE

Got any of your more… Harper ideas?

HARPER

Pardon?

COLE

Y’know, something weird and stupid. Good stupid!

[uncomfortable, sad Harper noises]

Did I say something?

HARPER

Um… I don’t think I’m supposed to do “Harper ideas” anymore.

BONNIE

What?

HARPER

Yeah. Mr. Aria gave me a bit of a dressing down after I… got a bit too clever during my last case.

BONNIE

What’d you do during your last case?

HARPER

… I staged a hostage situation to get Concerto and Discord to make up.

BONNIE

Okay! Well, that does seem like a bit much!

HARPER

Yeah…

COLE

Have you thought of any weird creative ideas that don’t involve hostage situations?

HARPER

Okay, Mr. Aria wasn’t just mad about the hostage situation! He brought up the Reynard situation too. And, uh… another thing that you guys don’t know about.

COLE

Ooh, now I’m curious.

HARPER

He told me that what really makes a difference is using the legal system, creating precedent, and that all these things I do that go outside the courts are just easy fixes. He says that if I keep trying to find loopholes, maybe I’m not cut out to be a lawyer. And… I don’t know. I’m trying to help people as best I can — my family always raised me to do that. To take action, to find solutions, to do whatever it takes, even if it’s not traditional or it gets me in trouble. Being a lawyer is my dream, but… I’m struggling, being told that that kind of thinking makes things worse.

[beat, Bonnie and Cole consider their words]

BONNIE

Well… again, it sounds like you went a bit too far with your last case, and I can’t speak to this mystery incident. But I don’t think what you did with Reynard was a bad thing.

COLE

Yeah. I think it was pretty good, actually. Helped a ton of people! Gave me a whole personal realization!

HARPER

You guys don’t have to try and make me feel better.

BONNIE

We’re not. Your creativity is a good thing, Harper. It’s one of the best things about working with you.

COLE

You pitch stuff that we don’t think of. You remind us to work hard, and to care.

HARPER

So, what, you think Mr. Aria’s wrong?

BONNIE

Well, I wouldn’t go that far.

COLE

He’s being a bit of hypocrite — all lawyers do some amount of dumb scheming and loophole finding, including him. You remember the LOIS-researching-Sonic incident.

LOIS

Fascinating stuff, really.

COLE

But the precedent thing is a good point. The cases where I’ve gotten decisive rulings that can be used by others in the future are the ones where I feel like I’ve really made a long-term difference.

BONNIE

And in general, working within the law will resolve the issue in front of you, and is far less likely to come back on you later. Settlements, money, agreements, those kinds of things are generally airtight ways to help your client.

COLE

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think outside the box and pull crazy shit.

BONNIE

Exactly! You can keep that Harper Hallo pluckiness and smarts, just… apply it differently. Inside the law.

HARPER

It sounds easy when you say it like that. But the law is so much less flexible than… the other stuff I’ve done. What if it’s not the best way to solve the problem?

BONNIE

Well, sometimes it isn’t. But usually with some hard work, we can find something.

COLE

And nobody’s been better at hard work than you.

HARPER

… that is true. That’s one thing I know I can do. But I don’t have any ideas for this one yet. What if I’m only good at… the superhero side of things?

COLE

No way. The same thing that makes you good at that “superhero side of things” is gonna make you good at being a lawyer.

BONNIE

Hell, it already has. Remember when you had Mr. Aria arguing adverse possession in court?

COLE

Oh yeah, that law’s, like, a thousand years old. It would never have occurred to me to apply it to a supervillain’s lair.

HARPER

I guess that was a bit out there, huh…

COLE

Yeah, and it worked!

BONNIE

And you’ll find something that works for this case. You always do. And whatever it is, you know it’ll stick. Isn’t that worth it?

HARPER

… yeah. Yeah, it is. I guess that’s why I wanted to be a lawyer in the first place, isn’t it? Because there’s more to the world than beating up bad guys.

COLE

Did you beat someone up?

HARPER

No, no. I just mean… there are a lot of ways to make a difference in the world, and there was a reason that I picked this one. I think I got so caught up in trying to solve problems that I forgot that. So thank you guys, for reminding me.

BONNIE

Of course, Harper. It’s all true.

COLE

And please don’t switch careers.

BONNIE

Honestly, I don’t even think switching careers would help. I feel like you’d have this problem wherever you went.

COLE

Yeah, you seem to really like breaking rules. You’ve got a mind of your own.

HARPER

Ha. Dillon actually said the same thing about Gene yesterday.

COLE

Who?

HARPER

[lightbulb]

… I think I have an idea.

COLE

Hell yeah, of course you do!

BONNIE

Go get ‘em, kid. Get back in Mr. Aria’s good books.

HARPER

[running out of the room]

Thank you so much, Ms. Firestein, Ms. Castillo! I won’t forget this.

[beat]

COLE

Ah, that kid. At this rate maybe they’ll even give you a personal revelation.

BONNIE

Eh. Maybe next season.

[alarms blaring]

FUCK!

FWIP AGENT

FOURTH WALL IDENTIFICATION AND PROTECTION AGENCY, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!

BONNIE

IT WAS A JOKE! A JOKE! I MEANT IN AUTUMN!

COLE

AHHHHHHHHHHH —

SCENE SEVEN

HARPER

Mr. Aria, Dillon, I think I’ve found a strategy. And it’s all through legal means, no more… extracurriculars.

MAL

That sounds promising. Explain.

HARPER

We pin it all on Gene.

MAL

Come again?

DILLON

Gene is his name. My suit.

MAL

Oh, that's much better. Before we get into it, are you suggesting this as a solution to the criminal charges as well?

LOIS

Ms. Topps has arrived Mr. Aria.

HARPER

[under their breath]

How?

MAL

Hello, Ms. Topps. Young Hallo may have a solution to our situation with young Dillon.

DEBBIE

Call me Debbie. And I’m all ears. Unlike this client of mine–

HARPER

[quickly and loudly]

Have either of you ever heard of Loudoun County v. Syl-vester?

[pause]

MAL

Can't say I have.

HARPER

It’s pretty obscure. A homicidal vester terrorized a town using the human wearing it as a meat puppet.

DILLON

A sleeveless duster did all that?

MAL

[Under breath]

Knew I shouldn't have left that there.

HARPER

Short version, the court ruled that sentient clothing has to be judged separately from the wearer in criminal cases, and I’ve found precedent applying it to civil liability as well. If we can prove that Gene is responsible for the indecent exposure and causing the accident… Dillon, your heinie is shiny, so to speak.

DILLON

How do we prove it?

HARPER

We just have to figure out how to demonstrate it to a judge by using your powers.

MAL

I leave coming up with that routine to you two. I have neither the constitution nor the patience to watch this boy expose himself over and over again.

HARPER

It's fine, I still have that mind wipe appointment made. Or it’s possible I dreamt that again…

DILLON

It's not fine! When they let me off they'll just turn around and sue Gene, or arrest him! I'm not just going to throw him under the bus like that.

HARPER

You won't have to... if you marry him.

DILLON

What?

DEBBIE

Ooh, I like it.

HARPER

Turns out, there's 3 states where you can legally marry sentient objects. Would be 4, but the Colorado senate is taking their time. We’ve got weeks before your next court date, and longer if they need to start over to go after Gene. So if you take a road trip and get married before then…

MAL

Dillon is inelligible to be the primary witness, and without him, a case against Gene would fall apart.

HARPER

I know what you might be thinking, Mr. Aria — that this is just an easy fix like what I did last time. And I guess in a way it kind of is? But it’s inside the law, and it’ll stop anyone from coming after Dillon and Gene over this again. A permanent solution that won’t get anyone hurt. If this isn’t good enough… well, maybe you’re right that I’m not cut out for this. Because I’m not going to stop going beyond tradition to help people.

MAL

Mx. Hallo, I think this is clearly very different from staging a fake kidnapping.

DEBBIE

They staged a fake kidnapping? I knew I liked this kid.

MAL

This is exactly the kind of thing you should be doing. Using that ingenuity of yours to find legal solutions. I think you’ve done excellent work today.

HARPER

Really?! I mean… good. Because I intend to keep doing it. Hopefully for a very long time.

DILLON

Wait!

DEBBIE

What’s wrong, kid? Harper found your out.

DILLON

I can't just… I can't just get married like that! Gene probably doesn't even want to…

GENE

[Jean noises and monster-y voice]

Of course I want to marry you, idiot!

HARPER

[under their breath]

Wait, he can talk?

DILLON

W-what?

GENE

[Jean noises]

You make me a better person every day, and I've loved you for so long. Of course I want to marry you, if you'd have me!

DILLON

Of course I would! You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn't ask for a better partner.

GENE

[Jean noises]

Will you make me the happiest denim based life form in the world?

DILLON

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!!

MAL

…so what, exactly, just happened?

HARPER

Love, Mr. Aria.

SCENE EIGHT

[Sound of some creaky chairs]

HARPER

I love weddings!

COLE

I know, right?! I haven’t been to one in forever!

BONNIE

The last one we went to was my sister’s, right? Ugh, that was the worst.

COLE

True, that one was terrible. Although the whole groom vomiting at the reception thing made for a good story.

DEBBIE

I hear you. At the last wedding I went to, the bride tore out the groom’s eyes with her bare hands.

HARPER

Do horrible crimes just happen around you?

ROSS

When was the last time we renewed our vows, Malcolm?

MAL

Oh, I don’t know. A few decades?

ROSS

Hmm. We may be due for another.

BONNIE

Shh! They’re starting!

[Wedding music/If we can get it orchestral remix of Low]

PRIEST

The couple would like to exchange the vows they have written for each other

DILLON

[Choked up]

[Clears throat]

Shawty was them apple bottom jeans

Jacket with the trim

My whole world was looking at him

[I figure fade to the background there but I will write more if we wanna put it behind the talking]

MAL

You did well, Young Hallo. That loophole was — I’m sorry, are you crying?

HARPER

[Sniffling]

It’s just so beautiful.

NARRATOR

A beautiful denim-themed ceremony, to be sure, and a beautiful solution to Harper Hallo’s latest challenge! We’ll see you next time, listener, on another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis!

END OF EPISODE