SCENE ONE (COLD OPEN)

NARRATOR

It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes!

And on this day, our legal heroes will get to see a whole new side of a popular super–you know how the saying goes! Two can keep a secret if they’ve got access to a world-class Secret Identity Maintenance and Protection department!

[A commercial that starts out with cheesy, American cowboy music. The sound of a hawk with some dramatic guitar.]

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Howdy, y’all! I’m Captain Cowboy, and y’all might recognize me from all those times I done saved the whole got-dang city! Now, I’m plumb tired of doin’ this work all on my lonesome and sure’nuff, I’m fixin’ to look for a sidekick! Y’all can help me decide on who’ll be fightin’ crime with me on my new show, Uncorkin’ a Bronc! We’ll have a hog-killin’ time separatin’ the ten-cent men from the people who’ll die standing up.

And this week we’re down to the final round! Only two crime fightin’ good eggs left!

Who’ll prove they’re of the first water? Will it be Molly Thee Pony, fresh from that hoity toity college?

MOLLY THEE PONY

Now, just because my lasso ain’t red doesn’t mean I ain’t catching any mustangs!

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Or will it be Dolleen Parson and her voice smooth as molasses and twice as sweet?

DOLLEEN PARSON

I’m causing trouble like a tornado through a Tennessee cornfield!

CAPTAIN COWBOY

I’m happier’n all git-out to find out who it’ll be! Tune in Wednesdays at 8:00PM Central. Gitty up, you namby pambies! It’s time to have a riproarin’ good time!

[Commercial ends with a big flourish that segues into the Super Suits Theme.]

SCENE TWO

[HARPER rushes into the office and nearly bumps into BONNIE and COLE.]

COLE

Hey, watch it rookie!

HARPER

Oh, gosh! I’m so sorry!

BONNIE

It’s alright!

COLE

“Alright,” little punk almost bowled me over —

HARPER

I didn’t mean —

BONNIE

Calm down, both of you. Sorry, Harper, Cole’s a little grumpy this morning.

COLE

The next person to email me is getting murdered.

BONNIE

Deep breaths, babe.

HARPER

Um, wow. Can I ask what has you so… unhappy?

BONNIE

We’re just on our way to a last minute client meeting.

COLE

And they didn’t tell us anything about it. That’s never a good thing.

BONNIE

It’s just a little mysterious!

COLE

Oh, come on! We didn’t even get a name!

BONNIE

It’s… definitely more tight-lipped than our usual clients, yeah. But that doesn’t mean it’ll automatically be awful!

COLE

Yes it does. Anyone who refuses to tell me their name before demanding an hour of my goddamn time is on my shit list.

BONNIE

I hate it when you’re right.

HARPER

I didn’t even know clients could do that. How’d they book a meeting without telling you their name?

BONNIE

Well, just because we don’t know who they are doesn’t mean nobody does.

COLE

Yeah, they probably set up the meeting through…

[beat]

LOIS

Ah. I see you’ve remembered that I’m here.

BONNIE

Give us a hint, LOIS!

LOIS

Why should I?

COLE

Because if you don’t I’m gonna start biting people.

LOIS

Don’t threaten me with a good time, Ms. Castillo.

BONNIE

Okay, okay — if you can tell us anything, I’ll do all my own printing for the next week.

COLE

[genuinely touched]

You’d do that for me?

BONNIE

Don’t sound so pleased; you’re going to help.

LOIS

[really emphasizing the air quotes.]

Hmm, yes, that’s worth it. Alright, folks: it seems we have another celebrity in our midst. Do any of you partake in “reality” shows?

HARPER

Oooh, I do! Is it that single dad who’s raising 83 babies?

LOIS

No.

HARPER

That lady on the dating show who made all the other contestants promise not to masturbate?

LOIS

No.

HARPER

The person who came in second place on that beekeeping competition show?

LOIS

No.

BONNIE

Why second?

HARPER

They seemed like trouble.

LOIS

It’s not them.

HARPER

Someone from that rich family that gets filmed doing nothing but complaining about stuff?

COLE

Which one?

LOIS

No. None of them, either.

BONNIE

Wow, newbie, I didn’t realize you watched so much of that stuff.

HARPER

Those shows are interesting studies of really extreme personalities! I figure it’s good research for me to learn how to deal with difficult clients.

COLE

It’ll rot your brain, Harper.

BONNIE

It’s clearly too late for them. Which is it, LOIS?

LOIS

Gitty up, you namby pambies.

[BONNIE and COLE groan. HARPER goes “Oooo!”]

HARPER

Uncorkin’ a Bronc is especially intriguing because it’s really more of a documentary series than a reality show. He’s the real deal!

BONNIE

Oh, please. He’s got an American flag cape and matching tights.

COLE

He’s got sell-out written all over him. I’m surprised he isn’t sponsored by the Pentagon.

HARPER

Well, he seems nice. I’ve heard good things about him.

BONNIE

Boy Howdy, I’m just messin’ my drawers at a chance to talk to the Great Captain Cowboy!

COLE

That goes double for me! I sure do hope he loves my apple-cherry-pecan-pie with lard on top!

HARPER

Please, you two. He deserves to be heard out at least.

BONNIE

We’re just joking, Harper. Let’s go see what he wants. You can come too if you, if you want.

HARPER

Really?!

BONNIE

Yeah, it’ll probably be good for him to have at least one fan in the room.

HARPER

Well, of course then! If you’re sure!

LOIS

It seems like a good idea to me. It’ll soften the blow if Ms. Castillo bites him.

COLE

Sounds like someone’s underestimating how hard I bite.

[They leave to the conference room.]

SCENE THREE

[When HARPER, BONNIE, and COLE arrive, CAPTAIN COWBOY is pacing.]

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Oh, there y’are! Y’all gotta help me!

BONNIE

Woah, slow down, sir. Would you like to take a seat?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

I can’t sit at a time like this!

COLE

Ok, well, we’re going to sit.

[sitting down noises]

Now, let’s do some introductions. My name is Cole Castillo, I’m an associate here. This is Bonnie Firestein, another associate, and Harper Hallo, our junior.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

The AI’s already told me your names! I know who you are!

COLE

Well, that makes one of us.

BONNIE

Yes, you have us at a disadvantage. Could you please tell us who exactly you are? Keep in mind everything you say here is strictly confidential.

LOIS

I have already taken the basic information. Legal name, Captain Cowboy. Officially licensed by Guardian, Incorporated.

COLE

Alright, LOIS, thank you. Mr. Cowboy. What brings you to us?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Someone’s castin’ aspersions and tellin’ tall tales! Lyin’ up a storm and they might ruin my good name!

HARPER

Oh, interesting. Who is it that’s lying about you? And what are they saying?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

It’s ridiculous hearsay, dag-gum-it!

COLE

Captain Cowboy, sir, we want to help you, but you need to tell us what’s going on.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Oh, I don’t even wanna repeat what they’ve been sayin’, it’s someone with too much mustard. I’m gonna nail ‘em to the counter!

BONNIE

Did somebody catch you making fur coats out of puppies?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

That’s ridiculous, no!

COLE

Okay, are you a shapeshifter that killed the original Captain Cowboy and took his place?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

No! Nothing like that!

HARPER

Have you secretly been arranging the supervillainy you fight so that you can always look like a hero?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

[In his original Irish accent.]

No, you feckin’ idiots! It’s about where I come from!

[Beat.]

COLE

Huh, so much for All American.

BONNIE

So you’re Irish? Is that what this rumor is?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

[Back in his put-on Cowboy accent.]

Look, I’m technically from Ireland but I just really, really like cowboys. Before I knew it, my whole livelihood depended on people thinkin’ I was an American in apple pie order. Now there’s hair in the butter. You can’t tell anyone! Someone’s trying to expose me and I don’t know how much time I got til it goes public.

HARPER

Wow, that’s a really thorough cover. I’d never have guessed!

COLE

So to clarify, this isn’t about spreading lies, but revealing secrets?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Some flannel mouth is talkin’ shit about me, does it matter?

BONNIE

Well, legally, yes.

COLE

And again, we need you to tell us the truth. We won’t tell anyone–legal ethics, attorney-client privilege, and our own reputation all depend on it. We handle secret identities all the time.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Fine, if I can really trust you… All they’ve said is true.

BONNIE

Okay, we can still help! It just won’t be through a defamation suit. We’ll need to involve our Secret Identity Maintenance and Protection department, this is really more their sort of thing.

COLE

Don’t worry, they’re the best at what they do.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Well, get a wiggle on! They’re out there right now, talkin’ to who knows who!

COLE

You got it. LOIS? Can you connect us to SIMP, please?

LOIS

Connecting you now.

[Sound of speakerphone ringing. Someone picks up the line.]

SIMP AGENT AGENT

[transatlantic 1920s accent]

Secret Identity Maintenance and Protection, what’s the rumble?

BONNIE

Yeah, we’ve got a time sensitive identity threat here.

AGENT

[dropping the accent, grave]

We’ll need to meet in a secure location. Get your asses to S.I.M.P. Bring the subject.

[They hang up.]

SCENE FOUR

[Soft, easy listening music in background.]

HARPER

I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to how rigorous those security checks to get in here are.

BONNIE

It’s incredibly complicated but you get used to it.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

This place seems top of the line.

[Switches to his native accent.]

I’m feeling better about this already.

HARPER

I don’t see why it’s such a big deal that you’re Irish. Is it really worth putting this much energy into hiding who you are?

SIMP AGENT

Secret identities and personas are no laughing matter.

HARPER

[startled]

Whoa! You just came out of nowhere! And what happened to your accent?

SIMP AGENT

This is important business, Mx. Hallo. There’s no time for funny vocal tics. We need you to take this seriously.

HARPER

I do! I know how serious secret identities are, trust me.

SIMP AGENT

Are you the subject?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Uh, yes. Captain Cowboy.

SIMP AGENT

I was told this is time sensitive. What seems to be the problem here?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

An old mate of mine is trying to expose me.

SIMP AGENT

Who is this person?

CAPTAIN

Jack O’Brien.

AGENT

Social security number or other identification information?

CAPTAIN

Uh…How would I know? We were classmates, do you know that about all your classmates?

AGENT

Always.

CAPTAIN

Huh.

AGENT

We can find him another way. What school did he go to and when was he there?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Same as me. De La Sion Park. Graduated in 2010.

AGENT

[Dials a phone and speaks into it.]

We have a situation: Jack O’Brien. De La Sion Park, graduated 2010. The All-Seeing Eye demands satisfaction.

[Person on the other end of the phone speaks back, muffled.]

Roger.

[Hangs up.]

We have it contained for now. Jack O’Brien no longer has internet or cell phone access of any kind and is locked in his home.

HARPER

Wait, really? That was so…. quick and easy. Do you isolate people like that all the time?

AGENT

We do what we have to do.

HARPER

Uh… How exactly do you define “have to”?

AGENT

[ignoring Harper]

This doesn’t mean the problem is solved. We won’t be finished until the threat is neutralized.

HARPER

Neutralized…? You’re not going to hurt the guy, are you?

AGENT

We engage in mediation until the threat is convinced to keep the secret. Most people see the light. Eventually.

HARPER

But what does that mean? What are you going to do to him?

AGENT

We are very persuasive.

HARPER

That’s… not an answer.

AGENT

You must be tired. Take a break and get some coffee.

HARPER

But I—

BONNIE

C’mon, Harper.

COLE

We need to let them do their job.

AGENT

Your friend is smart. You’d do well to listen.

HARPER

… o-okay. Okay, fine.

[HARPER, BONNIE, and COLE leave.]

SCENE FIVE

HARPER

LOIS, you can’t hear me from here, right?

[beat, no answer]

Ok, good.

[HARPER snuck off to get some privacy and calls their mom. HOLLY picks up after the second ring.]

HOLLY

Hello, Harper, honey! It’s so good to hear from you, how’re you doing sweetie?

HARPER

Hi, mom. I’m alright.

HOLLY

You sound stressed! What’s wrong?

HARPER

Um. Nothing’s wrong, exactly. Can I ask you for some advice?

HOLLY

I’m happy to help whenever I can, dear.

HARPER

[Takes a deep, steadying breath.]

Have you ever had to deal with Secret Identity Maintenance and Protection?

HOLLY

Oh of course! A hero’s identity is their most valuable asset. Departments like S.I.M.P. are essential for protecting them. I haven’t worked with your firm’s department specifically, but I’ve definitely used services like theirs before.

HARPER

Okay, great. Um… what exactly do they do?

HOLLY

Well, when I took over as The Halo, I ran into some trouble. A news outlet wanted to do an article about how I was a different person under the mask than the last person who was called The Halo. I didn’t know what to do so I reached out to an S.I.M.P. department. They protected my identity and the news outlet never mentioned it again.

[Senses that HARPER is feeling a certain way.]

You seem worried.

HARPER

I guess I’m just worried that something… shady is going on. The agent that I just met seemed very… ends justify the means.

HOLLY

I understand that. It’s a very important end, but that doesn’t justify all means! It is important, though. It’s an essential part of protecting the families of heroes everywhere. If my identity was ever revealed, that would’ve put you and Hazel in danger if someone went through you two in order to get to me. Heroes deserve to know their families are kept safe while they’re serving the greater good. Not to mention it also keeps us safe from police who still consider superheroes loose cannons or vigilantes.

HARPER

I understand that. But do you know how S.I.M.P. goes about what they do?

HOLLY

I checked on the newspaper employees. They weren’t harmed–I never confirmed, but I suspect they were given more interesting stories in exchange for dropping mine. No harm done.

HARPER

Oh. That’s…not too bad.

HOLLY

They all work differently. I can’t vouch for people I don’t know, and you should always trust your instincts! If there’s something you’re worried about, I trust you to find out what you need to know.

HARPER

I don’t want to step on any toes! Especially if it’s for a stupid reason.

HOLLY

Oh, come now, that’s not talking like a Hallo! When we see injustice, we put a stop to it, no matter what. I know you can do it!

HARPER

[a little stressed, that’s a lot of pressure]

I… I guess so. Okay. Thanks, Mom.

HOLLY

Anytime hun! Now, are you and Hazel coming over for dinner on Sunday?

HARPER

I’ll check with them but I’m pretty sure we will. Talk to you later.

HOLLY

I love you. See you soon!

HARPER

Love you too.

[Hangs up. Beat. Then, a sigh. Door open/close as they go somewhere in LOIS range.]

LOIS?

LOIS

Yes, Mx. Hallo?

HARPER

Can I talk to you about something?

LOIS

Your secret phone call didn’t help?

[beat]

Yes, Mx. Hallo, I am here.

HARPER

I just don’t know about all this. I know that secret identities are legally distinct from super personas. And yeah, they should be protected for everyone’s safety. But how far does that really go? Was Jack O’Brien buying milk a minute ago before a bunch of agents jumped him and locked him inside his own house? Are we holding this guy prisoner?

LOIS

I cannot tell you exactly what goes on inside of S.I.M.P. It is confidential. Nobody can disclose their methods but them.

HARPER

I just don’t trust that Agent person! They won’t even tell me what they’re planning to do!

LOIS

Well, then I believe your best course of action would simply be to go back and ask.

HARPER

Do you think they’ll actually tell me anything?

LOIS

I do not know. I have no future-telling capabilities.

HARPER

… will they be mad at me? Will I get in trouble?

LOIS

What did I just say?

HARPER

It’s just that I’m still so new here, and I…

[shaking off the fear, determined]

No. You know what, no. Mom’s right. This isn’t what the Hallos do. We fight for what’s right! Even if it does mean risking everything we’ve ever worked for.

LOIS

Well, that seems a bit overdramatic.

HARPER

[extremely overdramatic]

I’m going back in!

SCENE SIX

[More easy listening music. Captain Cowboy’s schoolmate is there now, in a hood.]

AGENT

You’re back. Are you going to allow us to do what needs to be done?

HARPER

[audibly trying to be brave]

I’m here to see your process. And to… make sure that you aren’t crossing any lines.

AGENT

Hm. If you’re the future of the firm, it’s best you learn now. I’ll allow you to observe.

[beat]

We’ve got O’Brien.

HARPER

Seriously? The black hood is a little overkill, isn’t it?

[beat, Agent Agent gives Harper a pointed stare]

Uh… I mean, just my opinion.

AGENT

You prefer we show outsiders our security? Outsiders with a demonstrated propensity to violate the secrecy of licensed identities?

HARPER

… okay, fine, that actually makes sense.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Take it off him. I wanna see his face.

[They take the hood off JACK O’BRIEN.]

JACK O’BRIEN

Oh for fuck’s sake!

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Well, well, well… If it isn’t Dickface McGee.

JACK O’BRIEN

[Sarcastic.]

Jaysus… I’m shocked! You’ve finally made time for your nearest and dearest. They’re right about you y’know? A real man of the people.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

You climb down off that high horse before I drag you off it you piece of shit! D’ya know how royally you have fucked me over?! I’m losing sponsorship gigs left, right, and feckin’ center! Thunderbolt Energy drinks haven’t returned any of my calls and don’t even mention feckin’ NASCAR–

JACK O’BRIEN

[Sarcastic.]

Oh I’m so sorry… I’m so bloody sorry! Hey everyone… Captain Scunderpants here is losing out on money… Wah, wah, wah… At least you have your charm to fall back on anyway.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Fuck yourself, Jack.

JACK O’BRIEN

Oh yeah… subtle as a sledgehammer this fella.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

You’re some man to talk about subtlety.

JACK O’BRIEN

What’s that supposed to mean?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

You’re obviously jealous… I mean… I wouldn’t blame ye, but this whole extortion jobby, it’s pathetic boy.

JACK O’BRIEN

And what, pray tell… Have I to be jealous of?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

My powers. Fame. Money. Take your pick.

JACK O’BRIEN

I pick you acting like a feckin’ eejit on camera.

[Imitates Captain Cowboy in American accent]

‘Howdy y’all! I’m Captain Skidmark and this week I’m gonna show y’all how to hogtie your own asshole!”

CAPTAIN COWBOY

What was that?

JACK O’BRIEN

That was you.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

That sounded nothing like me.

JACK O’BRIEN

That sounded exactly like you.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Your inflections were all wrong.

JACK O’BRIEN

You’re all wrong! And your dancing is shite!

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Excuse me. I throw the best of shapes.

JACK O’BRIEN

The only move you know is the twisted titty elbow. You’re worse than a drunk auntie at a wedding asking for a dance.

HARPER

Shouldn’t we stop them?

AGENT

No. It’s better to let them argue, get it out of their system. Then we neutralize the threat.

HARPER

[nervous]

Okay, again, what does that mean?

AGENT

It means whatever is required.

[Clears throat and sits at table.]

Now, gentlemen. Please take a seat. If you would both include me in this discussion, I think I can help you get to the bottom of this. Mx. Hallo you don’t have to stay for this if you don’t want to — they may be at it for a while.

HARPER

[wary]

You want me to leave?

AGENT

I’m not particularly bothered either way — I said I would allow you to observe. However, I don’t know how long this will take. You wouldn’t want to get behind on your other work, would you?

HARPER

[reluctant, but that’s hit a nerve]

N-no, I wouldn’t.

[Harper stands]

Okay. Just… will you call me before you do any… neutralization?

AGENT

Of course. I said I wanted you to learn, didn’t I? I’ll contact you when I believe something is happening that would be useful for you to watch.

HARPER

Okay. Okay! I’ll go.

[Harper does just that]

AGENT

Now. How long have you known each other?

[actors ad lib a bit of cursing and talking over each other]

[FADE OUT.]

SCENE SEVEN

NARRATOR

As Harper long overstays their intended work hours, they learn one important thing about the S.I.M.P. Agent: they have nigh-infinite patience. Soon it is dark outside, and our favorite blood-sucking lawyer arrives at the office! Which gives Harper a new place to direct their questions…

HARPER

[door opening]

Mr. Aria!

MAL

Ah, Young Hallo. What brings you to my office tonight?

HARPER

Well, um… we have a new client!

MAL

Yes, LOIS has informed me. An S.I.M.P. referral?

HARPER

Yes, Captain Cowboy. He and his… um, old friend, have been in S.I.M.P. for the past seven hours.

MAL

I see. I assume they’re doing their typical mediation.

HARPER

That’s… what they said they were doing, yes.

MAL

Good. Then wait until they’re done; they’ll release him back to us when the time is right.

[beat]

I notice you’re still here.

HARPER

Um, yes sir.

MAL

Do you need something else?

HARPER

I just, um… do you really think it’s okay that they’ve been interrogating them for so long?

MAL

Why wouldn’t it be.

HARPER

Well, um, it’s better to get these kinds of things done quickly! And I figured maybe you would have some, um, some cool lawyer-vampire strategy to try?

MAL

No, not particularly. S.I.M.P. is very good at what they do. I see no reason to create more work for myself.

HARPER

But…

MAL

If you have some criticism or suggestion, Mx. Hallo, I advise you to simply come out with it.

HARPER

… well. I don’t mean to question your authority at all, sir. Or theirs! Just… Captain Cowboy is a celebrity, so if he loses his fingernails, the press is bound to hear about it! And that’d be bad for the firm! Not to mention —

MAL

I see. You’re concerned about S.I.M.P.’s methods.

HARPER

… yes, sir. A bit. And I don’t mean to cause trouble, really! But I keep thinking about it, and I haven’t been able to concentrate on any of my work…

MAL

Very well.

[Mal gets to his feet]

Come. We’ll head down there. You can see for yourself that nothing untoward is happening. We’ll bring Ms. Firestein and Ms. Castillo as well.

HARPER

What? Really?

MAL

Yes, really. Mx. Hallo, I know that you have been… mindful to make a good impression during your time here. But you no longer have a need for this new-child nervousness.

HARPER

I-I’m not nervous! I’m just…

[beat, Harper sighs]

… I just really don’t want to waste this opportunity. Or disappoint anyone.

MAL

I understand that. But you are allowing those feelings to interfere with your ability to communicate with the rest of your team, and that is in fact only hurting your performance.

HARPER

I — I’ve never thought of it like that. I’m sorry.

MAL

[a touch softer]

Don’t be. Mx. Hallo, the ideas you put forth during your time here have been… perfectly adequate. You do not need to hesitate before sharing your thoughts or your concerns. If you have done something wrong, we will tell you so, but in the meantime, please allow us the freedom to work with you.

HARPER

… okay. Yes, sir, I will.

MAL

Good. Now, to S.I.M.P.

HARPER

Okay.

[Harper and Mal start walking]

And hey, maybe you can help move the mediation along, Mr. Aria. You’re from England, right? Captain Cowboy and his friend are from “across the pond”, too — Ireland, and they’re mostly fighting over what it means to be from a different country.

MAL

I have never been to England in my life.

HARPER

What?

SCENE EIGHT

[MAL, HARPER, BONNIE, and COLE enter to find the SIMP AGENT standing by as CAPTAIN COWBOY and JACK O’BRIEN argue; arguing is largely in the background until HARPER interrupts]

HARPER

Hi, again.

AGENT

Welcome back.

JACK O’BRIEN

You've lost your roots boy. D'ya know that?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

What's that supposed to mean?

JACK O’BRIEN

Your heritage...Your...Irishness. It's gone. I bet you don't even speak the language anymore!

CAPTAIN COWBOY

As if you ever spoke it! In fact, 90% of the feckin' Irish population can't speak it! And....I got better results than you in the Leaving cert!

JACK O’BRIEN

Oh yeah well...Féach suas sa spéir!

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Tá...Cabáiste agam.

HARPER

Oh, this is new. They were speaking English before.

JACK O’BRIEN

Cúinas bóthair cailín bainne.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Aoin Dó trí...Ceathair Cúig sé.

AGENT

I call this progress.

JACK O’BRIEN

Ceathair cúig sé...Seacht ocht naio.

MAL

Progress? How can you tell?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

An bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí an leithris.

AGENT

In circumstances like these–

JACK O’BRIEN

peann luaidhe.

AGENT

All change is progress.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Léigh anois go cúramach, ar do scrúdpháipéar, na treoracha agus na ceisteanna a ghabhann le Cuid A.

JACK O’BRIEN

Cuisneóir, Capaill, deoch.

HARPER

I wish we could understand what they’re saying. Should we get a translator?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Níl aon tinteán mar do thinteán féin.

JACK O’BRIEN

Is mise Jack O'Brien. Is maith lion uachtair reota.

AGENT

If it goes on too long, perhaps. For now we can simply wait.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Is mise Captain Cowboy...Is maith liom ispíní!

JACK O’BRIEN

Cupáin tae!

BONNIE

How long is “too long” for you? Another 7 hours?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Ubh.

JACK O’BRIEN

You're an ubh.

MAL

Yes, I would like to know your plan.

AGENT

[Shrugs.]

I don’t speak the language and they’re ignoring me. They’ll run out of energy eventually.

HARPER

That’s really your whole plan? What about doing what you have to?

AGENT

Yes, we’ll stay here as long as we need to.

HARPER

What about neutralizing the threat?

AGENT

The threat will be neutralized when they make up.

HARPER

But you said you’d call me when you were doing that part!

AGENT

Yes, I was going to call you in when they finished arguing so you could see the follow-up process.

HARPER

That’s all?!

AGENT

Should there be something else?

HARPER

WHY WOULD YOU PHRASE IT LIKE THAT???

AGENT

Why not?

HARPER

Oh my god.

MAL

Okay, well. I do not want to be here for another seven hours, so someone should step in.

BONNIE & COLE

Not it!

BONNIE

Harper’s been pretty chummy with Captain Cowboy.

MAL

Well, Mx. Hallo?

HARPER

Y-you want me to help? Is that… alright with you, Agent?

AGENT

If you think it’ll help, be my guest.

COLE

Ooh, inspirational speech time.

BONNIE

They are good at those.

HARPER

I’ll do my best.

[Shouts]

HEY! You two! I have something to say!

[CAPTAIN COWBOY and JACK O’BRIEN stop talking.]

AGENT

Go for it, kid. Let’s see what happens.

HARPER

[clears throat]

So, uh. Look. I don’t know you two very well, although after seven hours it kind of feels like I do…

But you two clearly have a lot of history and know each other well, judging by how incredibly specific some of your jabs have been! And I don’t think you two would be able to make each other so mad if you didn’t care. If a random person on the street is mean, sure, forget them. But for this argument to be this deep seated and hostile, you two must have had a strong connection at some point.

AGENT

Very true.

HARPER

You two grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same school, you have a lot in common. Don’t you owe it to each other to be honest? Cut the extra stuff aside and just talk about what this is really all about.

JACK O’BRIEN

Who do you think you are?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

They’re trying to help! Unlike some people!

JACK O’BRIEN

You don’t think I could help? I can help!

CAPTAIN

Then listen to them! What’s this really about? Why do you want to kill my business?

JACK O’BRIEN

Your business!? I look like I give a fuck about Captain Cowboy?

CAPTAIN

It sure looks like that to me! Why else are you going around telling tales?

AGENT

Perhaps it would help if you spoke to one of us, rather than one another.

JACK

You’re the most patient person I’ve ever met, you I can talk to.

AGENT

Please do.

JACK

[sigh]

Look, I don’t care about this whole “Captain Cowboy” business. It doesn’t matter that he’s pretending to be an American. What does matter is that the last five times I’ve called this guy, he hasn’t picked up once.

[to CC again, but more open this time]

I’ve tried to get your attention the good way for over six months. Apparently the only way I can get you to talk to me is by extortion and blackmail.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

I didn’t know you felt like that.

JACK O’BRIEN

We don’t hang out anymore. I miss the fun times like when you’d do a kegstand and make stars and stripes come out of your arse.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

I miss you too. I got so wrapped up in this new identity that I forgot that I was leaving behind people that care about me. And also get me so drunk I can’t even pee straight.

JACK O’BRIEN

Get over here and give me a feckin hug you bastard.

HARPER

Oh damn, that was quick.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

Jack!

[They hug.]

AGENT

Works every time.

HARPER

What does? Sitting there while they try to kill each other?

BONNIE

Lock ‘em in a room together, classic. Or do you not remember doing the same with Roose Cayne and Duperman?

CAPTAIN COWBOY

I’m so sorry, mate. I’ll drop the suit.

HARPER

Yeah, I guess so. It certainly worked this time.

AGENT

You may have a future in mediation, kid.

COLE

Yeah, they just needed a swift kick to the butt. Only their butt was their heart.

AGENT

Mission accomplished. We’re done here. I’m glad we could come to a mutual agreement.

MAL

Nicely done, Mx. Hallo.

HARPER

Thanks, Mr. Aria. For what you said earlier, too. I… I think maybe I can finally start to relax here.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

How about you and I head to the bar, Jack?

JACK O’BRIEN

Sure, old friend.

[They stand and head to the door.]

JACK O’BRIEN

Oh and also I got your sister pregnant.

CAPTAIN COWBOY

WHAT?!

NARRATOR

And so old frenemies become new enifriends, but for now, a secret identity is saved!

We'll see you again soon, listener; for wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!

[End credits song.]