Electronic Walkabout no one should have to walk through life alone. We share the good times, the bad times, and the best times. Everyone needs a little direction now and again. And TC and Mad Dog are here to show you the way. A podcast where we talk about the important things in life. Come journey with us. The Electronic Walkabout. Hello, hello, hello, listeners. Maddog and TC are here in the studio with an interesting challenge to you ever had that feeling that I should have said that or should have said this during an important conversation or meeting? Well, we've all had that feeling. This episode we explore what may cause us to feel that way and some ideas about how we can avoid feeling this way. The theme of this episode jumps out from a song by the Jeff Healy Band that was released in 2000 from the band's Get Me Some album. This song is about a relationship that has gone over the edge, and the lyrics echo so many times that words should have been shared that may have made a difference. But first is always a thought for the day. Only when you can learn to read minds, minds can you learn from others outside of that conversation required.

I like that one. It's very true.

I wish I could read minds. I used to say.

I don't. I wouldn't want to be burdened with that.

I used to say I could read minds, but then people kept turning the page before I was done.

Hang on, I'm a slow reader.

So how are we doing today, Maddog?

Doing excellent, sir. And yourself?

Well, there's nothing to complain about. And even if there was, they say no one there to listen. Right. So are you ready for this one?

I am. I've got an interesting take on this one and.

Oh, do you know, I can't wait to hear this. So why do we hold back and turn our thoughts? That's, that's, that's. That's a good place to start. Just the general thing and see where it takes us. Right.

You know, the thought might be, well, if I say something, it's going to offend this person or. Yeah, this. This one's a tricky one for me because I, I took a stance on this whole saying what you think and stuff probably about 25 years ago. And I've. I've said this a couple times that when my mom passed, she.

The.

One of the impactful things she said to me was, I spent so much time planning for the future. I spent so much time thinking about the past. I never lived enough for today. I took that. And for the last 25 years, that's been My mantra. So I vowed that I, I, I wouldn't, I don't want to be that guy that, you know, when I'm six feet in the dirt, saying, oh, I wish I would have done this or I wish I would have. So I, I've, you know, and I obviously not to hurt anybody or be rude, but if I am feel that I need to say something, I will say it because I, I don't want to. Oh, you know what? I really should have said this or that. So I just, I prefer tactfully to speak up when I feel that I have something to add.

Okay. And I'm totally with you there. Okay. Not an easy thing to do. Not an easy thing to get there. Okay, so we're going to talk about that because there's been a few times both in my personal and professional life where there are things that I should have said and regret not saying them in the moment that may have made a difference, which to the point of the whole, the whole song by the Jeff Healy Band. And, and I will tell you this, like, I, I, I've been a fan of the Jeff Healey Band since Roadhouse, Patrick Swayze, the Chicken Wire. The Chicken Wire, the whole bit. And the only regret I have is not seeing that guy when he was alive. And unfortunately he passed way back in 2008 and he was actually in Mission not too far from Wrestlemania. But that's when he, as much as he played blues and what have you, his, his love was actually jazz. Right.

So interesting. Yeah, So I could see that because he had that bluesy kind of feel to it, a lot of his songs, and that kind of steel guitar sound and stuff. So, yeah, I quite liked just, just.

Getting back to that. If, if we could go through life and say, I, I said everything I need to say in that given moment, then we should have no regrets. And that's, that's one of the things I'm kind of making the point of is don't have regrets with this. Let's figure out how to get over this. So if we're in the moment and we need to say something not to be afraid to say it. Okay.

And I think it's just the approach that you take if, if truly you're not out to, to hurt people's feelings or be a bad guy, you can say things that people might not disagree with or accept in a pleasant manner so that you're still presenting your thoughts, but you don't have to say it in a way that makes somebody feel like piece of trash.

You know what I mean? Yeah.

Well, you're wearing that out. Hey.

Okay.

Well, it might not be my choice and. Okay, great. Well, yeah.

Are you an idiot?

Exactly. Wow.

Yeah.

You chose that on your own. Hey, you look stupid. Different case.

Different case. So what are some of the ways we can overcome this, this challenge where I'm sitting in this meeting and I've got this great idea and I'm afraid to say anything and why am I afraid to start with?

Well, I think that because you're, you might. But I think if you get in that situation, you might be saying something that either doesn't go along with popular opinion.

So.

But you hit the nail on the head by saying afraid. Right. And that might be what causes people to not say things is because they're more worried about the outcome as opposed to giving input on the topic that they're talking about. So I think that would probably be one of the biggest factors to not saying.

So when, when I say the word afraid, I'm afraid someone's going to judge me.

Correct.

And, and I will tell you this from experience, people don't judge as much as you think they're judging, but I think they are. You. You think they are. And that's, and that's more to the point because if I were to say something and even to the point where let's say I've made a mistake or something like that, they may not even catch that. They're not judging me, but it's all something that, and we've talked about the fear of the unknown. But if I go ahead and I just throw it out there and let's say it's a hit and everybody loves it, that's great. I feel so good. But throw it out there and literally it hits the ground and it's like a rock.

How people laugh or start joking. It's like, okay, I'm never going to say anything ever again.

Yeah. And I, and I've been there, too, where I've piped up in a meeting and it didn't, didn't come back with a positive response. And that was, I was young, too. I thought, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. Right.

So. And that, you know, you experience that, so that sometimes becomes your standard operating procedure because, you know, once bitten, twice shy take.

Well, unfortunately, I'm not that smart, so. Yeah.

So.

And I, I, I like, for the most part, to speak my mind, but there's a time and a place and as you already mentioned, attack to doing that. Right. So. But if it's if it's a. And, and, and it's hard when you're in a, a relate a new relationship to somehow kind of navigate that. I say navigate because you, you don't know what kind of response. You don't know that person well enough. And you're again, afraid or concerned that if you say something wrong that's going to, let's say, hurt that relationship.

Yeah, that's that. And that's fair. And I think that's a completely normal situation because if you're, you know, attracted to somebody and the relationship is, you know, budding and everything's looking great. Yeah. You don't want to say something that's going to take it off course, but that might come back to bite you in the ass.

And you know, it's got to get to the point where, like, quite frankly, if, if, and, and I do have a friend like this, but I, every once in a while I'd call him up and we'd be talking and every once in a while I get that response. You're an idiot. You know, I thought I'd say, thank God. I've been waiting for you to call me an idiot for so long. This makes me feel so good. Right. So. But it's, but it's true though, because we all have moments like that where truly we're like idiots. But there's nothing wrong with that.

Right. So no, if nothing, nothing ventured. That's it. Yeah, that's it. And I think that, you know, kind of goes along with this point that if, if you don't say anything, you don't know of the impact that it'll have. Right. Because maybe you're thinking it's gonna be offensive, but the, the listener might fully embrace it and actually might help the situation.

You never, there's been so many times where I, I, I want to know what people are thinking. I simply ask the question, what are you thinking? And, and I'm, and I'm really, I'm not looking for the, the whole answ that's going to build on what's floating around out there. So we're putting the best foot forward. So if I ask you what you're thinking, it might be half baked, but I don't care if that's what I'm looking for. Something that's half baked. And if it comes out perfect, well, I'm running with that. Right. So.

Yeah, exactly. It's a skill to be able to, to your point, speak your mind in a positive slash productive way.

Oh, yes. And again, getting Back to that whole, like, I. I'm afraid and the reasons why I'm afraid. If I happen to mention that I know very. If I throw this out there, the various responses, there's no surprise there. So throw it out there and kind of grab that puzzle when I run with that. Right.

So the only time that has a backfiring effect is when somebody says, does anybody see a reason why these two people should not wed? That's not the time to jump. Give you two cents worth.

Okay, let's. Let's. Let's be honest about this right now. Okay? Yeah. Do not want to be that one per ownership.

Once just gets up or if you just go to a wedding that you don't. But what about that? Time this and then leave. Yeah.

Yeah. Truly, I'd want to just be that one time.

Right. But you know what? I. One of the things that I learned the hard way is I had a friend. He was one of my close, close friends all through, you know, elementary, high school. We played hockey together. And then in grade 11, he met a girl. And I was not a fan. Not a fan at all. And in hindsight, I think it was just a whole lot of jealousy. And I said something that, you know, I wish I could have taken back. I told him he had to choose her or. And he chose her, and that was that. And it. It haunted me for quite a long time, to the point where I think it was a good 15 years after I actually, I apologized to him because I realized how stupid of a thing that was to say. But I learned from that that there's certain things that you can say and it's okay. And then there's certain things where, you know what, you just threw out an ultimatum and he chose the other, and that was that. So it was a learning experience.

Okay. Hard, Hard lesson. There's no question about it. So I'm just. I'm just thinking here and there, it's twofold. You already started answering one of the questions. Could there be times when you think about thoughts to yourself? And obviously, this might have been an example of that. Right.

So should have just been happy for him.

Should have just been happy for him. When I'm asking this question, I'm thinking the word diplomacy, because, yes, there. There. This could be a time where maybe I should share the thoughts. It's appropriate. But just being diplomatic is probably not the right, let's say, right environment to do it. It could be a number of things where you have to kind of take two steps back and.

But would you Follow up on it after the fact.

You would have to do that. And the catalyst or the kick in the butt that would cause me to do that if only I cared for true otherwise or, or, or felt sorry for them.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, yeah, and I fully agree because yeah, if, if your statement is going to horrifically change what's going on and has a very, very pitiful impact. Yes. It might be better suited for a one on one or different scenario or physical setting to communicate that.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting by any means that you go ahead and you share your thoughts that that's going to change the outcome. Okay. But what it will do for you, the one that's sharing your thought, at least your thoughts are known and they could be taken into consideration and there's, there's no regret there.

No. And if you, to your previous point, if we present it properly, it's just, you're just speaking your mind. You asked, I told you I don't mean any offense by it, but that's what I think that might help. But he. With their process.

So you just, you made me think of something you ever had though those, those moments where someone's hey, what do you think about this? And you're totally honest about it.

Maybe that's not what they wanted to see.

That's not what they wanted to hear. And you, and you're going, okay, well you asked for it, I gave it to you.

But you would still say it if you were asked a second because that's how you felt.

Yeah. So if, if you don't want to hear what I'm thinking, please don't ask me.

That is a fair statement.

Yes. Is it? Not really. When we're, we're talking about that individual, it's either let's say in that, that one on one with their loved ones holding their thoughts in their head for a second or in a meeting being able to kind of share those thoughts. A demonstration of self confidence maybe. Because if you can do that comfor and get the point across, even though like if I say something to you, I realize there's some possible emotional hurt there, but it needs to happen. I should be okay with that. Yeah.

And you know, I think when you get into those habits with your significant other, it changes over the years. Right. You might be a little more shy to answer certain questions that you're asked. How does this look? Oh, hey, it's fantastic. 20 years later maybe. How does this suck? I might do up those top six buttons. Yeah.

Yeah.

I'M just saying that's not how I always dress this. But using this example that you're a little more apt to, you know, because again, you, you have trust in that person. You've been together for a while, so, you know, they're not saying it to be hurtful, but if you're asking me, I'm going to tell you. I'm say it nicely. But if I don't think it looks good, I'm going to say that I don't think it looks good. Yeah. Your wife asks me or when. I'm sorry, when my wife asked me for fashion advice, I'm like, that was your first mistake. Yeah, you asked me about fashion advice. Yeah. So take with a grain of salt.

You could never win with that shit. So you can't keep your thoughts to yourself because, Derek, they want to hear your thoughts. And, and you have to be honest and diplomatic. Yes, yes. So. And I think, I think I brought up the word. But is, is it partly being able to manage your emotions when you're deciding whether to let these thoughts go out of your mouth?

I guess it depends what emotion is invoked. If it's rage and anger. You might want to take a second.

Are we Talking about the 24 hour rule? Is that what we're talking about?

Something like that, yeah. Yeah.

Sometimes I build on the 24 second rule just because it makes me feel so good.

I've learned over the years that I need a tiny bit of time to process because that initial rebuttal is usually very strong, maybe not as well thought out as it should have been. And I do that with work. If somebody pisses me off at work, I usually sit on it for at least six hours or I'll draft an email and I'll revisit it because I do want to make a point and I want to say something, but I don't want to use that instant rage that I felt when I first received said emails. So there's, there's some tactics that I think need to be employed with some of these situations.

Well, here's, you know, I, it, it just like, just this scenario just popped in my head just listening to you. So let's say you say something to me and I'm thinking, okay, well, I, I have the, the rebuttal right away and I know that if I say it, it's, it's probably not wise I should use the 24 hour rule. So I'm just going to put that my back pocket and I let it sit there for six months. Six months I'm just saying six months because you know where this is going, right? So. And then what happens? I'm engaged in this person again and it's getting a little heated and all of a sudden I pull this thing out of my back pocket and boom. Nothing's pretty is happening there.

No, no. Because then, then, then it's almost being used like a weapon.

That's right.

Time. And, and maybe that feeling could have been let go at that time, but since you pocketed said statement, it's going to come back doubly because now there's another thing possibly to be said and it's all coming out at once and it's a bit of an overreaction.

An overreaction. So I make long way around to say that it's probably quite positive. If you had that thought somehow get it out in a timely fashion too. Like 24 hour rule, whatever it is. If you put that thought in your back pocket and it's bubbling and that bubbles, bubbles, bubbles.

Oh, and that's a relationship, not killer, but as an effect. Because a lot of times, and I've been through this personally where okay, maybe this one thing pissed me off. All right, you know what? To your point, I'll put it in my pocket, no big deal, I can deal with it. But after three or four maybe different things, when you put all those together, it is now you're giving a thousand dollar reaction to a possibly $1 problem because you hadn't said all those previous things. You just kept them and kept them and kept them, tried to dump them all out at once. And I guarantee you it's going to be a much different outcome than if you would have said something the first time.

And a great plot for a sitcom.

Yeah, exactly.

There we go. So emotions obviously are at play here for sure. I've talked about judgment though, and let's just explore that a little bit more. But is there really jud there?

So let me ask you this. Through the course of your career, based on not using any verbal. Would you pass judgment possibly on people that you see.

Abs. Abs. Absolutely. Probably not as much as some would, but let's say I'll call the, I'll call them clients. Yes. The challenge with that, you're expected to make an assessment of a person like within 30 seconds to figure out what you're dealing with. So there's a ton of judgment that comes with that. Right. Okay. If, let's say we're in, let's say the working environment, there's a lot of judgment that's going on there because everybody's, first of all, everybody's afraid to make a mistake. And if they do, you know what's going to happen. They're going to wear it not only once, twice, three times. So it's very difficult. And you're afraid to ask a question. Afraid to ask the question, which is the thoughts at the time, they're in your eye because you're going to look like an idiot because you think people are judging you and guess what, depending on. And I'm hoping it doesn't happen in today's age. But, but at one point, if you ask that question, you got chastised for it and really did. Right.

So. Yeah, but I don't think, you know, now thinking about that, the, your line of work that you've just retired from. Congratulations, by the way. Yeah. I think that going through that on a daily basis, you know, looking at people judging character and stuff like that, do you think that that over time taints you a certain way or does it build really the ability to psychoanalyze things very quickly and.

Or both. Sure. Or both. Because the psych, the psychoanalyze, you got to be careful with too, because we talk about profiling, that's, that's dangerous because you, you really can't do that. But that whole judgment thing where if I just say this way, everybody's lying to me because I'm the police, let's say, I expect people are lying to me. So that's my go to. Which is terribly wrong too. Right.

So interesting.

Yeah.

I just, you know, it through the course of this, you know, I've not been a police officer, so it's, it's interesting to look at that line of work specifically. And you know, there's, I don't think there's the understanding of the amount of different challenges and stuff. Yes, that's a hard profession. Absolutely. But mentally, it just, that's a whole other aspect.

But if the approach I, I took, and I do today as well, is that if I look at an individual, first of all, I haven't, I don't know them from Adam, but I know intrinsically people want to do the right thing. They want to tell the truth. They want to do this. So unless there's something else that says otherwise, go with it. Right.

So.

And impart that humor, too. Part of that humor. Right.

So humor is good for most situations.

Okay. So we've kind of danced around this a little bit. What. Because we talk about the words and how, how we actually share the thoughts that Makes the difference. So what, what is, how can I actually express myself in a way that, that's not gonna, let's say if I share my thoughts that it's, and you respond to it like what's going to prompt me to do that again? Because we're trying to encourage that I want to hear what's going on. Right.

So I think you know, avoiding finger pointing or blame or you know, those sorts of things where that would invoke a feeling behind somebody, right. Of, of oh, I've done something wrong or you know. No, no, you can communicate, you know, how you feel. It's just. Yeah, yeah. I, I truly think that part is an art, that it needs to be practiced. And you know, and sometimes you say things, right. Sometimes you're going to hurt feelings, somet going to make people angry. But you know, through that I think over time you figure out how to present said rebuttal.

Okay, thanks, thanks for that. And then I'm just going to make this point that, and we've talked about this before is the, the whole active listening thing. And if you're not quite sure what active listening is, is that, that really you're, you're, you're not listening to response. In other words, you're not listening to get ready to, to, to throw whatever you're thinking at the time, you're actually listening to what the person is saying to you for the sake of understanding. So if you're, if you can do that as that person, as you're sharing those thoughts with that individual, you can truly, you can truly get your point across. I think in a diplomatic and I'll say and, and sincere way. And when I say sincere, truly has to be sincere. Right.

And I think that speaks to your character when you can actually sit and listen to somebody and take in what they're saying to your point and not worried about your rebuttal or one upping them and just being there to listen because that's what most like that person needs.

Well, I'm fortunately going to have to share this thought with you. There's that music that's playing. But let me share this with the listeners. Sharing our thoughts will be challenging in the best of situations. When we practice doing this, it allows us to share feelings and opinions and develop our self confidence when doing so. Place these thoughts in the back of your mind. Be respectful even if you disagree with someone. Express your opinion a lesson and consider their perspective. Be clear and concise. Articulate your thoughts in a way that is easy to understand and be open.

To feedback, think twice. Speak once, especially with your spouse.

Remember to take advantage of the moment before the moment takes advantage of you. To learn more about eWalkabout, please visit us at eWalkabout CA.