00:00:06 Archita: Have you ever noticed how anger often arrives faster than understanding? One moment we are calm. And the next moment something small. A word, a tone, a memory suddenly lights a fire inside us, and afterward many of us are left wondering, why did I react that way? Today's conversation isn't about suppressing anger or pretending it doesn't exist. It's about understanding it. because sometimes anger is in the enemy. It's a signal asking us to pause, listen and look deeper.

00:00:44 Archita: Welcome to Healing Horizons, the podcast where we explore the many paths people take toward emotional healing, clarity, and inner strength. I am your host, and today we are joined by Amita Sharma, a Buddhist monk and mindfulness teacher who has spent years guiding individuals, families and professionals through practices that help transform stress, emotional pain, and anger into awareness and compassion. In this episode, we are exploring anger management through mindfulness, not as a quick fix, but as a deeper understanding of how our thoughts, emotions, and reactions shape our relationships and our inner peace. So it's truly a pleasure to have you here.

00:01:34 Amitha Khema: Thank you.

00:01:37 Archita: Yes. And, um, you know, this is such an important topic because especially in today's time, everyone is so overstimulated, uh, with, with the work, with the stress. So it is really difficult to maintain one's calm during these times. So this is going to be really important for all the listeners out there. And without wasting any time, let's dive into the conversation. And before we talk about techniques or practices, I'm curious about your own journey. What first led you to dedicate your life to mindfulness and helping people work through emotions like anger?

00:02:22 Amitha Khema: Yeah. So, uh, when it came to my journey, I wanted to fix my issue, not only anger, but understanding defilements and letting go the Defilements and cultivating mindfulness for my own purpose. And that's why I chose my path to be a monk. And like sixteen years ago. And, uh, so while practicing and learning, uh, as a monastic monk, uh, like, uh, like over ten years ago or so, uh, we started to do retreats for laypeople. Uh, so it's maybe one day, two days, sometimes seven days or so. So then, uh, with sharing the teachings, uh, what we learned and our experiences so gradually, uh, it turned out to be another mission of, uh, my life, like, uh, teaching others, uh, related to, uh, things mindfulness and especially when it comes to the anger management and stress relief. So that's how we started. And now there are like around five hundred meditating with us in Washington DC and around DMV area monthly from different backgrounds, uh, and, uh, practicing and gaining the results of this mindfulness.

00:03:57 Archita: That is, that is really beautiful. And I am glad that you found your path and, you know, navigated your journey till here and is now helping other people to work through their emotions as well. And that is really commendable. And this really sets the tone for this conversation as well. So moving on, one thing many people hear growing up is that anger is something bad, something we should control or hide. So from your perspective as a mindfulness teacher. What is the biggest misconception people have about anger?

00:04:39 Amitha Khema: Right? First of all, feeling anger is a pretty normal and healthy because a regular person means they have not eradicated the feeling of anger or improved their wisdom like a enlightened monk also, but feeling anger healthy, pretty normal. But the problem comes with holding anger. So once you feel so, you have. You have your own choice to. When you. When you have practiced mindfulness. If not, you have only. You don't have choice because your mind is controlling you. But when you understand anger, then you. When it arises and when you see it, uh, rather than just representing anger, you can, uh, let it go, uh, rather than representing it. And then because of that, you can have your freedom, even whatever the things going on around you. The problem is the people, when they feel anger, you know, it's pretty normal. They used to hold anger. So what happens when they hold anger? They live in the past, which means they live in their memories. Even this moment. Think that someone pretty angry about something in this moment, which means that he is not experiencing something in this moment. What's going on? Most of the time they are living in the past. What others have done to them, how they treat you, something like that. So they will miss this present moment. And when anger rises, then anger, overwhelm, then their priorities change. To take revenge, hurt others rather than Invest in their valuable time and energy for their own benefit. So in that case, I would say the misconception is. Feeling and thinking. Feeling anger is a bad thing, but at the same time, knowing or unknowing unknowingly, they're holding anger. So that's where we need to learn and improve our mindfulness.

00:07:02 Archita: Yes, that is that is definitely true. I think so many of us hold on to, um, emotions from the past and cling to it. And that is why it results in anger. So, uh, you just mentioned about holding on to anger. Um, so how do you suggest that, uh, our listeners let go of that anger instead of holding on to it?

00:07:28 Amitha Khema: Okay. And so, uh, to let go the anger. First of all, we need to learn some some realities of the world and of course, how our mind works. So mind works based on like there are things called we learn. It's like four noble truths in Buddhist practice. We say there's a cause for suffering, which is attachment. So our mind used to attach no matter with. It's a pleasant experience or unpleasant experience. Our mind has a like inbuilt system to attach to things. So, uh, when our mind attached, no matter how hard we try, uh, we can let go the anger. So therefore, if anyone want to let go the anger, they need to understand how anger rises and then, uh, where it like, how it stay the how attachment holding it. Yet. And when we understand these two, we can be aware not to fall into that trap. In the same time, we need to practice, uh, the opposite thing of like loving kindness as a meditation. So, uh, then how do we understand that attachment? So in that place, in that for that we need to understand about expectations and attachment to the expectations. So as an example, anyone. So it's healthy to have expectations. Expectation doesn't kill you, but when you attach to a certain expectation and when the reality is something else. So that's where you feel like betrayed. That's where you feel like something not going the way you wish. And then anger rises. So it's like this thing that your expectations are like mind pictures. You have pre, uh, expectations which your mind already have attached. I think that you are chatting with someone and regularly, and when you send a message to, uh, your friend, you expect him to. Reply as soon as you send the message. And now you see that message is being delivered and he is online, but he's not replying to you since you you have attached the expectation, not just the expectation, but you have attached. Then when the other person did not reply, your mind, your mind. Create a story based on what you what has happened, uh, in your point of view. Oh, now he, I am not a priority in his life and he is not taking care of what me or what I what I want from him. Something like that. And then what will happen? Because of that, it creates kind of a story based on misunderstandings most of the time. Then we stuck in that story may, without considering what actually has happened. We don't have then we are not ready to listen to the other person. Why he is not replying or so. Then in that way we have attached our expectation. It creates a suffering. So if it already have happened, then we need to rewire our brain to let go of that. And in the same time, while doing this practice, it's pretty essential to pretty much essential to practice loving kindness as a meditation.

00:11:11 Archita: Yes. That that makes so much sense now. And you're absolutely correct. I think that expectation is often the, the root cause of suffering in everyone's life. And it, it gives birth to emotions such as anger itself. So yes, I mean, that's interesting because it also shifts the perspective completely. So instead of seeing anger as a flaw, we begin to see it as a moment of awareness, a signal that something inside us needs attention rather than suppression. And the only way to let go of that anger is to understand the root cause of it. Which brings us to something really important. So when people come to you struggling with, um, anger, whether in relationships, work, or family life, what deeper patterns do you usually find beneath the surface?

00:12:10 Amitha Khema: Yeah. So most common pattern, I find they don't come to let go anger, but they come for the justice. But they are calm and says, is this person is not doing the way he used to be. and this person is mistreating and how should I can have my piece back? Rather, without saying that, without understanding that anger is the real problem. So they come with justifying their own anger. But when they learn, they understand that the problem is with not the other person. There may be some, uh, serious, uh, accountabilities in the other side, but the main problem is we are holding anger. So once we they understand that they are gradually practicing to overcome from that. And, uh, we did a, like a two years of survey. We are continuing our surveys and those surveys say that, uh, the meditators who are coming to our programs, like over eighty percent, they relieve their stress and there are so many positive, uh, benefits they have received and we have published it in our website. In the Meditation Center DC.

00:13:35 Archita: That really puts things into perspective and what you just said. I think it really resonated with a lot of our listeners as well, because oftentimes our anger is a result of what, you know, the other person is acting. And there is often this misconception, uh, of, um, seeking revenge as, uh, as a way to, uh, let that anger go. But that is extremely wrong because the problem, like you just said, is not in the other person, but in our own emotions and how we regulate them. So definitely. So, uh, how much anger is actually connected to the stories we tell ourselves about situations rather than the situation itself.

00:14:27 Amitha Khema: Yeah, yeah. Uh, so here's the thing. When anger rises. So usually then, uh, this is a common trope, like our brain is biased. So we don't see the world as it is. We see the world as we see. So it's not like a personal error. It's, it's like a biological thing, uh, in every brain. As an example, we all can understand that, uh, there are some illusions. Like I will say one thing, like if you go to a top of mountain and if you see down, you will see a huge heap compared to you go to the bottom and see the, uh, top of the same mountain because, uh, not to fall into, uh, not to hurt ourselves, our brain. So, uh, the height for more than when we see something from bottom not to fall. So likewise, our brain has it's like a inbuilt bias. So when we add anger to that anger also kind of a bias thing which creates so many bias. So when we add, when we angry, when we feel like, uh, some sort of unpleasant experience towards someone, we are not ready to see the good part of this, the other person. And again, it's not a personal issue. That's the way anger works. So when we angry, no matter how helpful the other person are, we always ready to see even the single bad quality? Uh, just ignoring thousand good qualities. So that's why we can still be angry with our parents, with our teachers, and with our best friends and family relations. Why? So that's the way of anger. So when anger rises. Uh, so we need to understand that the, whatever the story, it creates it for with full of bias. So therefore the best option is stay calm and have some precepts in your, in your mind. Like which if I angry at that time, I do not make any decisions. I should calm myself before reacting and I will turn into a wisely respond. Uh after responding uh, he feel healed myself so likewise. So when uh, so when anger rises since it creates a story with full of bias, we have to be mindful not to justify our anger. Because if we justify our anger, we not justifying our anger, we justifying that the false story it creates. So then once we believe our story, anger request only one thing. Anger asked for justice and that justice is asking by hurt hurting back the other person and therefore have an idea like this when it come to the misunderstanding. If we angry like believe that may be over ninety percent, we are thinking our things, our beliefs and our our story in our head may be not one hundred percent true, and it can lead to serious, serious consequences in future.

00:18:18 Archita: That is beautifully explained, really. And what you said. That is powerful because it suggests that our thoughts can amplify our emotions. And the story in our mind can sometimes make the moment feel far bigger than it really is. And I love the, the metaphor that you used of, you know, height. So yeah, thank you for sharing that. And, um, this has truly been so enlightening, this entire conversation because you have, you know, brought such calmness and such wisdom with you into this conversation and you have shared such important insights with all of us today. It has helped us a lot. So finally, I want to ask this for someone listening today who feels overwhelmed by anger, maybe in their relationships, their work, or even toward themselves, what is one gentle perspective you would want them to hold on to?

00:19:21 Amitha Khema: Start with self love of self love and selfishness is two different thing. So self love in accepting the way you are. When you accept the way you are, no matter if you are in your. If you are not in your best version, you do not want to hurt you because you are love. We all know that anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, even though the other person is a kind of a person we do not want in our life at the moment. Uh. We don't know, no matter how, how much they have done to us. But holding anger kills ourselves and our peace. So. So therefore start with self love. Once you you feel loved within yourself, you. You can see the world with putting their shoes also. then we know that what's going on in their site also. So. But we can do that if we do not start with self love because, uh. Until we accept ourselves and for love and kindness to our heart, that feeling of anger always asking the justice, as I always say. So then it asked it expect other person are also being hurt. So what happens when you pour love and kindness to yourself? So Buddha saying something like this spread love and kindness to to you and to whole world, like a mum who would care her own child to likewise to spread love. And to everyone. Think for a moment how you feel when you go home after your hard work and everything. Your daily life. Uh, how if you have a dog, when that dog comes to you and giving thousands of casings, kisses and wagging tails. Think how you feel at that moment. You feel so much of relief. So. So I would suggest you to be your own dog to yourself. Accept you the way you are and pour love and kindness to yourself. And when you feel love and kindness within yourself, and when you want to keep your love and kindness again, it's not selfishness. You do not want to hold anger. So anyone. The reality is if anyone hurt others, they do not feel self love. Because with self love and acceptance, if anyone tries to hurt others, it creates regret in themselves. People who hurt others and people who hold anger they do not feel and they do not know self love when those emotions going on in their lives.

00:22:20 Archita: Indeed that is so true. Self love is often the first step in loving the world around you too. So if there is one thing to remember from today's conversation, it's this. Anger isn't something we defeat. It's something we understand. And to understanding, we begin to transform it. So Amitha, for listeners who want to explore your teachings or learn more about mindfulness practices, where can they find you or your work?

00:22:54 Amitha Khema: Yes, you can find us in Buddha meditation. DC dot o r g. Website. Uh, and uh, so if anyone would like to join with us and meditate, if you are not nearby or Washington DC, um, you can join us every Thursday, eight p m to nine p m in Eastern Time. Uh, we have a online meditation, stress relieving meditation where around, uh, sixty to eighty, meditating, uh, online with us. You can talk to us, you can meditate with us and learn something every week. And, uh, if you are living nearby the DMV area. So we have our weekly Sunday evening meditations and all their retreats and two day retreats and ninety minutes meditations. And you can join with that. And if you are someone who's in George Washington University, we are the Buddhist chaplain and you can come to our meditation programs.

00:24:08 Archita: Amazing. And we will make sure all those details are available in the show notes so that our listeners can connect with you and calm their mind and learn how to understand their emotions, including their anger, better. So thank you for joining us today on Healing Horizons. If this conversation made you pause and reflect, even for a moment, consider sharing it with someone who might need it. Sometimes a simple insight can open the door to deeper understanding. And if you enjoy thoughtful conversations about emotional growth, healing, and self-awareness, follow healing horizons so you don't miss future episodes. Until next time, take a breath. Notice your thoughts and remember, awareness is often the first step toward peace.