This is an AI transcription, apologies for the typos.

[00:00:00] Mark: The pain is literally, it's like somebody driving a nail into your lower back. You get to the point where you start getting lightheaded, stars start appearing. You think I'm gonna pass out in a minute?

[00:00:13] Alex: Welcome to Stories of Men Beneath the Surface. I'm Alex Melia. Join me as we discover what it means to be a man in the modern era.

This episode is about the barriers that we put up around us. We think they're protecting us from difficult situations, but actually they're blocking us off from what really matters. There was a period in Mark's life where every morning he would wake up with a decision to make, would he spend the day being crippled by pain or impaired by opioids?

Mark who's a traffic officer, has inflammatory arthritis, which causes extreme joint pain everywhere from his back to his wrists. He used to manage the pain by doing exercise, but when he couldn't work out, he began to rely on a strong prescription painkiller called Tramadol. It dulled the pain, but also his motivation to do anything.

One called December morning. A few days before Christmas, mark took his pills as usual and waited for the medication to kick in. His two greyhounds. Were ready for their morning walk.

[00:01:26] Mark: I remember that morning waking up. The first thing I'd do is just turn over to the bedside table, taking the two Tramadol tablets, and then go downstairs fraught with pain and sort of get down the stairs, gingerly sitting down in the living room, and then wait for the tramadol to kick in. And then when it does start to numb, all the pain that I have in my joints, whether it's my hands, wrists, my back, it just goes numb and it disappears.

You think it improves your mood because all of a sudden you're not in pain. I remember my wife, Charlotte, going to work. I couldn't even bother to say goodbye properly. I was just sat in a chair looking at the tv. Thinking, oh, thank God that's kicked in now. And it was one of those lovely frosty winters mornings where the, the sun's low in the sky, but the, the quality of the light's fantastic.

I just remember thinking it's really nice, but they're not quite connecting with it. And then I remember walking across the nature reserve and thinking, This is all starting to go wrong again. I should at this point be really, really happy. It's before Christmas. Alright. I've got this condition, it's gonna wear my career, but I'm being looked after.

You know, I'm a fortunate person. I. I just felt absolutely devastated. I thought something's wrong here because I'm not happy. I remember just standing there and there's a big field where you look across to a lake and the sun reflects off the lake, and I'm just thinking, I've done it again. I've got this history of finding ways to throw barriers to everything in my life that I should be able to appreciate and concentrate on, and I thought, now I've done it with this medication that I'm taking every day, rather than.

Taking the medication to ease the pain where I needed to ease the pain. I was just taking the medication just to numb me to life. Well, we're not bringing the dogs back. I'll go in, we got a side entrance, but it's very long and thin. You know, it's in between the houses. It's quite dark. If you like the alleyway, even though it was a beautiful winter's morning, that alleyway you down on the opposite side to the sun and it's in the shade and everything.

Then when you look down the alleyway, it's light. And I remember thinking, this is almost like a, a metaphor for my life at the moment. I'm trapped in this light alleyway and I've gotta get out of it.

[00:03:43] Alex: So you'd had this big realization. What happened next

[00:03:46] Mark: with the realization? I got into the house and the first thing I did was take another second lot of tramadol, even though probably after my dog walked, I didn't need it for the pain. But I just got into the habit cuz then I knew that, you know, take another lot of tramadol.

So it was like to the cupboard, get out the blister pack, two more Tramadol, and then I wouldn't even have to think about being in pain, you know, then. And then it was like, wait another four hours, that's it. Then have another dose of tramadol and that was it. What I find

[00:04:16] Alex: fascinating, mark, is how you've had this massive realization, this huge epiphany, and then immediately afterwards you take tramadol again.

What was going through your mind when you thought about that? Because usually when people tell you about these big aha moments, then they go, okay, I'm going to knuckle down and I'm going to do whatever I can to overcome this. But you actually just went back into your typical habit.

[00:04:38] Mark: The first thing with any issue like this is to realize you've got an issue, and I knew that it's one of those things that's gonna take time.

Even though I'd had this realization that, that I, I basically got to a point where if I didn't do anything about it, everything was gonna go horribly wrong. Again, it's hard to drag yourself away from it. You almost kid yourself that, you know, sort of, oh, oh, I can do this, but I'll start tomorrow. To the point where my efforts really to, to address the issue didn't come probably until the new year.

I. Because I was drinking as well over Christmas as people do, which doesn't mix very well with prescription painkillers at all. Um, it was causing all sorts of issues. Um, I became quite argumentative, uh, as, as I started to realize that I, I put myself in a corner that, you know, that I, I couldn't get out of, and it wasn't until.

The new year with the support. I mean, I, I'm very lucky, you know, I've got a, a brilliant family, but sort of they always say, don't they? Behind every good man, he's an even better woman. My wife really has been, what she's had to put up through, uh, through my career and everything else with me, um, is tremendous.

But literally, with her support and talking it through, we got to the stage where it said, right, you know, this is, this is how we're gonna do it. And. Probably not until probably about the 3rd of January, so a good two weeks probably, you know, time after my realization did I actually think, right? I've got. A whole box of Tramadol now left, which was a hundred tablets because I'd even got a new prescription in between New Year, between Christmas and New Year.

So I'd, I'd gone to the effort of phone the doctors and saying, I need some more Tramadol, but they'd just give them you so there's no questions asked with my, well, Charlotte said what? This is gonna be the last box now this is where it starts. Then sort of, you know, started to cut down half the dose. In my career, I've watched, I, I've watched hearing addicts in sales, you know, you know, withdrawing and bits and pieces, and I knew that at some point I was gonna start withdrawing with the debate worked.

I, I basically took the box over just over three weeks, and then for my last week, I was gonna take just one dose of tramadol a day. Uh, which considering I'd been on four doses a day, just a month, you know, earlier I knew I was gonna start to suffer, you know, I said to my wife, I said, yeah, I, I, I could be problematic this week.

You know, sort of, um, just say, you know, but although I got the typical physical, um, symptoms of withdrawal whereby it was like having flu and I had a 24 hours of nausea and sweat, the psychological aspect of it, I, I think again, because I was. Realizing that if I didn't do it, everything was gonna go horribly wrong.

Seemed quite a quick week, if you like. When I took my last lot of Tramadol, I had one dose left and I, I was taking it first thing in the morning like I always used to. And I was thinking, right, this is the last one now. And so every time I started to get into pain, I would just, you know, I've got a static bike, you know, a running machine, which I can walk on.

I'm, you know, I can't run on it because my condition, but literally I can walk on it. And so if I started to get into pain, I could just pop onto the running machine or, or the static bike, and then that would, you know, help relieve the pain. And then, Everything else started to come together then, you know, all the barriers started to drop away.

That, that I put up with the, with the, the painkiller addiction, if you like. And I started to become human again. So all of a sudden I was able to take an interest in my wife's new job, you know, suddenly taking an interest in, in by kids again. Even, they'd probably tell you it is like living with a different person.

Like somebody flicked a switch. It wasn't the first time it's happened to me cause I've done it with work before. It's like, you know, you, we, we, I throw up, you throw up all these barriers in your life. You for what you think are the right. The right reasons, and I've done it with work previously having, you know, what I'd call, you know, a, a very satisfying, and, and what people would say is a, you know, a worthwhile career.

But looking back, it, it was highly toxic to. People around me cause it just desensitized me and I got all my priorities wrong. And you know, the old saying about that they can replace you at work but you'll never replace at home, you know, didn't ring true at all with me and it should do with everybody.

But this time, instead of being my job and being driven to help people, which is basically what I was doing in the police, but neglecting those around me. Um, and you know, not giving people the time and attention those around me, and I've done it for years now. It was medication that was doing it. But I remember just feeling so angry at myself that I'd, I'd let it happen again, but with something else I knew that, you know, I've got this sort of, kind of personality from my therapy previously where rather than talking to people about what's wrong with me, whether it be I, because I'm in pain or anything like that, I will throw up.

Barry, I would just be to close myself off. It was the realization, having the motivation to do it. I was at the point where I should have been very, very, Happy. Alright. My career's gonna come to an end because of a medical condition, which at first I was very devastated about, but it was like a new chapter that I'm the sort of person that thinks, you know, everything happens for a reason.

If you can't control something, say you're controlling, it happens. It happens for a reason. That's the way I always look at things and I was thinking, right, you know, I, I should be happy. I'm gonna start a new chapter in my life. Now. It's a new beginning, you know? Alright. Uh, I can, I won't have my old career, but then I was thinking I could go and do something else.

It won't be full time. It can be for a charity, you know, volunteering or something like whether, don't rely on me being there every day. And that morning, the, the original morning of the realization of why, why do you feel so devastated about everything and what have you done? You know, sort of all the things that you should be valuing and experiencing.

You're not because you've threw up another barrier. What I'm

[00:10:46] Alex: curious about is when you said that you were a completely different person and it was noticeable to your two boys and your wife once you'd come off the medication, so if I was to ask them who Mark was whilst he was on the medication on Tremadol, and who was Mark afterwards, what would they say?

What would be the differences?

[00:11:06] Mark: When you're on the, the medication you are, you are basically devoid of emotion and the the ability to care about what anybody else cares about. And like I said, I it, I've been there before with, if you're a police officer, you become very desensitized to the emo. What are important to other people is not important to you because you know, you'll, you'll do things every day at work and you'll see things and you'll come home and people will say, you know, do.

This is, oh, this happened today and it was really traumatic. You think there's nothing, you know, absolutely nothing to what I've seen today. Or, you know, you come at me, your wife, God, the house is really messy. You go, no, it's not. You're honestly the house that I go into, not really honest, since what's important to them, suddenly it's not important to you and you've got no empathy at all.

That's it. You, you just think, don't, don't be, you want me to just dismiss it? You know, and, and you stop caring. And it was exactly the same process with the medication rather than being that psychological ball that's properly, it was a, um, you know, this impairment, this opioid painkiller based impairment that just numbed everything and so all of a sudden, When you come off it, you start caring and everything that you should care about, you start caring again.

Um, the, probably the other side of that is you, well, I do, I feel massively guilty because you've come very close to, to ruining everything again. That overwhelming sense of guilt, and then you just, you feel like you've gotta make up for it. I, if you like, but then it's quite invigorating because all of a sudden you've come from a period in your life where you've got no emotion, no feelings, and then you're just overwhelmed by the emotion and feeling again when you're suddenly able to, you know, to feel again and care about the, the stuff that you should be caring about.

Things like my wife's career is so important to me now that she's gone through a period of watching me have a career and basically having to be a widow to that career, which was, again, it was highly toxic probably at the time. You know, like I said, I wa when I. Was in the midst of my career and, and thinking I was doing all the right things.

I I wasn't a very nice person. You know, I'd quite often drift away and, you know, get a thousand yards stare while you're thinking, you know, you know when people are trying to engage you in conversation. But now I, I'm in a position where I will gladly sit there and listen to my wife talk about work for hours on end, and I absolutely love it, which before.

It, it was something you, you know, you wouldn't have held my attention for like two minutes, whether it was because, uh, my Tramadol addiction kicking in, or whether it was my, you know, addiction to my career before. But now you start to value all the things that. You should value. And once those barriers have been removed, you know, removed and you, you hear people talk about it, whether it's alcohol, whether it's, you know, uh, other addictions, drugs, uh, gambling, everything like that, you just start throw up barriers to everything that's important in your life.

And I've gone through with the tramadol probably, well just, probably just over 12 months of, of reliving that existence of being, um, Emotionally to numb to everything that's going on around me. Which, like I said afterwards, I was absolutely devastated about it. Cause this is the second time I've done this, you know, to, to not only me, but the people I care about.

First time was in my career. This time it was been medication and I couldn't believe that I'd done it. And when I'd had counseling previously, I'd, I'd worked really hard to change myself and all the things that have come. But part of the, the Silver Cloud if, if you like, is that now that's, My career's coming to an end.

Uh, because medically I, I, I can't do the role anymore and there's nothing that I can do for the police anymore that's gone. So now I've got nothing, no barriers at all. I haven't got the career to get in the way of all the things that I should care about and all the, you know, all the feelings that I should have, and now I've got over the.

Tramadol addiction. So literally there are no barriers now. And even I realize, you know, sort of you sit there and self-reflect and you think, how can you be so different? You know, how, how can you be this the same person but care about so many different things now, previously you never used to care about is the little things when you're.

Lying there on your deathbed, what will you remember? Will you remember your career? No. Will you remember the flashy car you had? No. It'll be those small interactions with the people that you love around you. And unless you remove those barriers, no matter what it is, whether you know, it's the, my Tramadol addiction, whether it's like my addiction to work previously or uh, Addictions people have, you will never have those experiences and you won't care about the things that you should care about.

Uh, and they're the things that you'll regret, you know, sort of. And, and now I realize that it's, it's a battle. Unfortunately, I've got one of those personalities where, because I suffer from anxiety and depression, I will very easily throughout. Close myself off given the opportunity. But I'm very lucky that, you know, I've got a wife, Charlotte, who if I start to do things, or she'll very quickly tell me like, you know, mark, you're doing it again.

What, what you been like that for? You know? And um, I had an instance the other day, um, literally, uh, we were going out and my youngest was gonna borrow, pair my trainers. And I kind of walked in and I was like, I was gonna wear those trainers. That was it. And then she. It's not a big thing. It's not a big thing at all.

You know what it been like this? And you just think, oh yeah, I'm, I, I'm off again. Now. This is my, you know, uncontrollable in a, you know, silverback gorilla as my counselor used to call it. That's it. It doesn't matter. Think about, you know? Yeah. You know, get things in perspective.

[00:16:54] Alex: It seems like you've gone back to being a human being again, because all the years that you've done in the police is your career.

You've had to sort of be devoid of human emotions and feelings, and as you're winding down that career, you're actually going back to being a human being. And I can understand why police have to do that because they're seeing so many. Difficult situations are going through lots of difficult experience with, with criminals and, and things that the normal person doesn't see.

So how does that feel nowadays to be act, to actually have. Proper human emotions and to have empathy for your family, your friends, and, and other people

[00:17:32] Mark: around you. It, it's fantastic. I mean, I, I've spent the vast majority of my career as, as a traffic officer, so, you know, I, I've, I've dealt with a lot of death and bits and pieces and never really handled it very well, like I said, until about seven years ago when I had counseling.

Um, and learned how to talk about things and express my emotions properly, if you like. But I'd come back from work and, you know, I could have put a four year old in a body bag after a road death that day. My wife would say, if you had a busy day, and I'd go, no, no, nothing to talk about. And I'd just bottle everything up.

I'd be one of those people who, who'd just bottled everything up. I always said my, my head's like a bag of spanners clanking about. And then, you know, if I ever get time to think about it, uh, there's gonna be serious problems and not realizing that. Thinking about it is what you've gotta do and talking about it is what you've gotta do to prevent the problems.

When you put on a uniform, you, you put on a fake persona. The problem is, is that you very start quickly, start taking that fake persona home with you, and it becomes your persona. And so that police officer who's, you know, devoid of emotion, very professional, is absolutely toxic in the home environment.

And to relationships. It, it, it is the worst thing you can do. And you. Live a life of denial. And you know, my wife would say, you know, sort of you do realize that. You can sit there and you, you be really quite funny and office with people. I'm like, no, there's nothing wrong with me. No, no, no, you're wrong. No, no, no.

It's them, you know? So it's not, unless you open yourself up to talking about these things and open yourself up to emotion and don't close things off, you does cause you huge issues. That was the thing with the, the Tramadol addiction. That annoyed me so much is that I created almost a similar issue to what I'd gone through with my career.

And I got to the point where I realized I, doing my career, had a lot of counseling, um, you know, learned about sort of my mental health and how to look after it and all the coping mechanisms. Um, and although it was like baby steps, I was getting better and better and better at being a human being again while I was in the job looking almost, uh, towards the end of my career if, if you like.

And then all of a sudden with one diagnosis, uh, it accelerated that process. Uh, the only thing that happened in between. Is the trauma addiction, which took me right back to the point where I'd thrown up a load of barriers and become a person who, you know, was divided of emotion. And so now it's a case of you've gotta rebuild those relationships around you, uh, with the people that you care about and try to get back to some kind of normality.

But it's hard for them because they're exposed to this person for years and then they've been exposed to this person for the last 12 months who. They've then thrown out their own barriers to cope. So, you know, you, you're in a position where you, you know, I could turn around and say like, sort of, yeah, look at me.

I'm better again now. You know, sort of look at me, I can care and I can share and all these, and that they'll, they can sit there and go, that's all very well, but we've had to cope with you for the last 12 months. You've gotta be patient with us now. And that, that's, That's one of the other hard things about it all is that sort of, you, you then start, like I said, I feel massively guilty about the effect that I've had on other people, but like I said, I'm lucky.

I've got a fantastic wife. Um, and my kids are fantastic. I'm lucky that, you know, they've just hung in there for me, really, you know, so, and I had had. Faith that I was gonna come at the other end.

[00:20:58] Alex: The, the police and the public services is not really a world that I know that much about. The closest thing I got to when I was, I was a kid, I always remember my mom saying, oh, Alex, you should be a police interrogator when you're older because you asked so many bloody questions.

I just ended up going down a different route of actually doing a podcast. But how, how does a police man or woman, they work all day with all of these difficult situations and then they go home? How do they switch off from. I suppose this is the million dollar question. How do they switch off from all of the things that they've had to experience that day and be a normal human being when they get home?

Because I'm guessing, you know, I almost have to be two different

[00:21:36] Mark: people now. Um, but it's one of those unfortunate things, uh, with a lot of the emergency surfaces that a lot of people can't switch off and you don't. Like I said, you throw up barriers. So, you know, there's been times where drinking alcohol is part of the job.

You know, there's a bit of a running joke, really, the people you know, um, but you, everybody's got coping mechanisms and unfortunately, Alcohol probably played a large part at certain points in my life in me coping, you know, sort of, and, and a lot of other police officers as well. And then the other thing is, is, is that you, you just.

Put up mental partitions in, in your mind and, and just cl put things in boxes. Um, and you think, right? Yeah. That, that's in a box back there. Now it, it's all right. It's not gonna do anything. But then there's boxes that, you know, they'll, they'll, they'll come back to haunt you and they do. Um, and you don't realize it.

But then when you should be concentrating on something at home, uh, that's important to everybody else. Or, you know, when you're out with friends or family and they, you know, your box appears from the back of your mind and dominates, and so, You don't cope then. And like I said, that's when you end up with a thousand yards stare and everything's, what's wrong with him?

You know, you know, why is he being so selfish and you're not being off at all? Um, it's just part if your coping mechanism, but it's the wrong coping mechanism. He wasn't explained to me and until I. I counseling and oh, and, you know, learn how to process the thoughts and, and talk about 'em. And then sort of, you know, have different coping mechanisms.

One of which for me was always exercise, you know, but it's one of those things that I. Unless you get a handle on it very early, it, it dominates your life. Um, and that's exactly what it, it did for me. Like I said, I've just been lucky with the people I've got around me and the support, you know, I've had a very, a very lucky career where I've influenced a lot of things and probably more so than most police officers, you know, you know, been in some situ situations.

I mean, you know, been rewarded for things I've done. But looking back, If you asked me was it all worth it, I'd I'd say given your time again, if you had that time machine, I'd never join the police, I don't think. I think I'd just, you know, the, the impact that devastating on. You personally, your mental health?

The irony is I always looked very well after my physical health, knowing the impacts that the job has on your physical health, like shifts and eating the wrong food and stuff, apart from excessive drinking, you know, I've always looked after, but my mental health, I just totally threw to the dogs and as a result it really impacted on my my life.

[00:24:16] Alex: When you look at what's going on with prescription drugs, it really seems like a ticking time bomb in the uk. Not just the uk, but America. Many other countries and millions of people are dependent on this, and it doesn't help for the fact that what you said before, the doctors don't even, don't even blink.

They just give you the extra pills that you need. Where are we going as a society with this? Is it going to get worse? Is it going to get better? What can we do to actually resolve this? Because it seems like for you it was something that helped you short term just to numb the pain, but it was a temporary solution.

It wasn't a long-term solution. So what do we do? Yeah.

[00:24:52] Mark: It's one of those issues whereby if you're not careful, it it, it will take people. Society completely once they go down that route. And something that very ne, very nearly happened to me. You can manage a condition like mine very well with exercise and just a bit of I prayer for gentlement and you know, pain, you know, a few paracetamal if it gets to that.

But with a change of lifestyle it, you can cope well. People just aren't ins sensitized to change their lifestyle. That's. The thing, you know, the whole thing about, if you can just stay mobile motivated, do a bit of moderate exercise, lose a bit of weight, it's gonna improve your condition, the amount of pain that you are, um, suffering considerably.

But they're not incent, incentivized to do that. And it's all very well, again, me saying I, I can do this, you know, I've got access to all the bits and pieces. I can go exercises. A lot of people can't, you know, they, they're not given the opportunity to do that. So we've probably gotta look rather than filling people full of pills.

Uh, and they are so easily accessible. There's no two ways about it. And it's an easy route for most people, but that you don't think about the. Like I said, the impact it has on those around you at the time you feel, oh, this is fine. This is, I've got no pain. I'm all right. Thank you very much, but you're, you're causing hell for all the people around you.

Unless we give people a opportunity to have an alternative and push that alternative, then you we're gonna end up suffering the cons. The consequences are just the mental health issues. You know, I dare say that if, if I hadn't realized that I was. Becoming very self-destructive again for the second time in my life, but for different reasons.

I dare say my mental health would've just spiraled, you know, just I would've been in a downward spiral. Um, you know, everything about. Now that I've got a positive light of my career ended, you know, it's removing the toxicity of the job away from my life. I've got start a new chapter, it's gonna be better for me, it's gonna be better for my wife, it's gonna be better for my family, and that everybody around me.

If, if I hadn't had that epiphany, I'd have been still taking lots of tramadol and probably, you know, like I said, in a downward spiral to the point where E everything would've been destroyed. Everything you would've ended up. Where it should not.

[00:27:21] Alex: People require medication that they can end up becoming dependent on. Pain relief is important in regards to healing, and opioids are essential for some. But are the pharmaceutical industry taking advantage of people in this regard? I've lost count of the amount of people I've spoken to in England who've gone to their doctors and briefly, very briefly explained their issues and immediately the prescribed opioids.

Why don't we discuss these things first and find the root cause of the issue before we hastily prescribe opioids? For some people, painkillers are an absolute necessity for them to get through the day, and I totally get that, but it isn't for everyone. I remember a friend taking opioids and they'd knock her out for 16 hours every night, 16 hours of sleep every single evening.

She would feel. Lethargic, unproductive and not want to do anything. She didn't have the energy to spend quality time with her young son. She was in an unhappy marriage and realized that that was the root cause of her issues. As soon as she split up with her ex-husband, she was back to her old self even so she had to diligently wean herself off these drugs because of how addictive they were.

Fortunately, she got there in the end, but it took a lot of discipline on her part. In my opinion, big Pharma has a vested interest to sell people as many drugs as possible, whether they need them or not. A lot of people look at the opioid crisis as a US problem, but actually it's a really big issue in the UK too.

In 2017, 2018, one in four adults in England were prescribed benzodiazepines, sleeping pills. Gabapentinoids opioids for chronic non-cancer pain or antidepressants. Drug addiction to cocaine, heroin, ecstasy is often talked about, but how much debate is on painkiller addiction from researching about it?

Nowhere near enough from what I can see.