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On this episode of the Dudes and Dads podcast, we talk about teen dating.

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You're listening to the Dudes and Dads podcast, a show dedicated to helping men be better

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dudes and dads by building community through meaningful conversation and storytelling.

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And now, here are your hosts, Joel DeMott and Andy Lehman.

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Joel.

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Andy.

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It's a sad day.

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Oh, is it?

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Notre Dame lost last night.

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Oh.

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And that was a terrible loss.

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They should not have lost.

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It was a rough game.

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It was a terrible game.

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Rough, rough game.

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Not sure what's going on with all of that.

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And well, thankfully, the NFL season is upon us.

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And I'm more of a college fan though.

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I'm going to admit.

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Yep.

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Yep.

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I get it.

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I get it.

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I'm hoping for something to look forward to in football.

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That's really what we're all talking about.

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Hey, everybody.

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Welcome to the Dudes and Dads podcast.

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Glad that each and every one of you are here.

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Looking forward to jumping into our conversation this evening.

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But first and foremost, Andy, how's life?

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How are you doing?

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Life.

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Life is doing pretty good.

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I'm really enjoying what we're doing tonight.

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So we have a live studio audience kind of tonight.

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A live studio audience.

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So we decided to do a Zoom room.

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This is something that we've toyed around with before.

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We did it for some of our Patreon supporters, but no one ever showed up.

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So I thought, hey, you know what?

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Let's invite everybody.

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Yeah.

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Because this is fun.

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And so we did.

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And we have Jeremy hanging out with us tonight.

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And he's just, he's doing work.

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He's working and he's here till 6 a.m.

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Hopefully the show doesn't go till 6 a.m.

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We'll definitely shut down before that.

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But that's awesome.

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We'll definitely have Jeremy and anybody else that wants to come on and hang out for a bit.

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So dudesanddads.com/join will get you on that.

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And we're also doing our normal stream we're doing to all YouTubes.

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I couldn't think of the word I was trying to put there.

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And Jeremy says, "Glad to be here."

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So Jeremy, yes, thanks for hanging out with us.

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That's awesome, man.

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Cool.

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Yes.

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And then how am I doing, Andy?

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I'm glad you asked.

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I was going to get to that.

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I promise I was.

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God, I'm kidding.

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I promise I was.

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No, we're doing well.

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I don't know how you feel, Andy, but it's this time of year where you're hopefully starting

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to get into the rhythm of school with the kids back on some level of schedule.

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Yes.

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Yes, I'm getting there.

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And I will say for those, as we've shared with friends.

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So Josiah, son number two, is in a different school corporation this year.

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Yes.

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He's transferred over with the layman kids over to Fairfield Community Schools.

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And it's going so well.

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And we've just been welcomed, just very well welcomed into that school community.

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And we have some people that we know and they're already over there and they've come and said

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hello to us at football games and all that good stuff.

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So it's going well, but I do this year have four kids in four different school buildings.

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We acutely feel that the schedule, if ever there was a need to make sure, as far as Jackie

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and I are concerned, and the kids just that our schedules are up to date and calendars

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are accurate, boy, it's now.

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It's tough when you have kids in one school, let alone in four different schools.

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We have them in two different schools right now.

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We know with Hattie being in the elementary and others being at the junior or at the high

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school, they're all in high school now.

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So yeah, it's been interesting to have them in the different schools.

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Yeah, yeah.

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Yeah.

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And yeah, it just feels there's more to keep track of.

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So we're doing okay so far.

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We haven't left anybody.

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You haven't left anyone at the school?

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We've picked up people who they need to be picked up and mostly got them dropped off

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where they need to get dropped off to and all of that.

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But yeah, just so grateful to kind of be in a rhythm.

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Rhythms are good and having some schedule is kind of, I don't know, because toward the

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end of the summer, it's just like kids, you need to get back in school.

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We need to get some sanity back into our schedule.

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So anyway, it's good to be there now.

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Andy, what else do we need to say?

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Do we need to thank somebody?

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We do need to thank somebody.

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We want to thank Everence Financial for their support.

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Support comes from Everence, dedicated to helping make Medicare an easy step through

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free educational seminars, individual consultations.

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Learn and more at Everence.com/medicare-monday.

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Security is offered through Concourse Financial Group, Securities Incorporated, Member FINRA,

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SIPC.

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Wow.

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Everence, we love you.

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We're grateful for you.

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Yes, we do.

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Love it.

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Let's see here, Andy.

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So recently, in addition, before we jump into our topic, we've had over the years, I love

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we can say over the years now because we've been at this a little bit, but we've always

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had such really, really great support from our listening community, people that have

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just shown up for us, all the way back in the days, beginning, so we joke about this

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now, it's a true story.

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This podcast began on a wing and a prayer on borrowed equipment at every which way,

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things that we found that we found that no one else was using that we could kind of piece

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together this podcast.

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And that began in the conference room of our good friend, Clark, Dr. Clark.

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I'm sorry, Clark Kaufman, who was so generous to let us.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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And, and we, you know, we did that we were in a few different spots and finally we are

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in our studio where we are now.

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And so along the way, as we've been building this podcast and trying to keep up keep a

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certain level, which we have heard time and time again, this is a major credit to the

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work that Andy has done on the technology side.

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We've heard time and time again, is that the quality sound quality and the production quality

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of this podcast are people try to say it nicely, but they're like, it's way better than I thought

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it, I thought it would be right.

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Cause we're not, obviously we're not, we don't have millions of dollars of budget and all

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production staff and all of this.

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Right.

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But that quality in our kind of sustainability in that area has been because we have people

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have come alongside of us and helped us improve our, our equipment and have kind of, you know,

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kind of gotten us what we need to do as, as essentially a good of a job as we, as we can.

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And we appreciate that.

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And we do.

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We just think we feel like we have the best, we have the best audience with best community

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around us.

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Like we're really fortunate.

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And so we've kind of run into our next, I guess what you say, technology challenge,

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so to speak for something that we need kind of for the sustainability and just general,

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like production of the show.

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Yeah.

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So, so we've been using a borrowed laptop, a work laptop, my work laptop to do this show

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and the editing down to the video down to every, every part of the show, this technology

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really is, is my laptop.

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And with restrictions, they're starting to put more and more and more restrictions on

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because you work for a financial institution, which makes sense.

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And so they're putting more and more restrictions on the laptop of what I can do and can't do

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with it.

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And so with that, we, we, we won't be able to use it much longer to do this show.

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And so we're in need of a new laptop.

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And so again, this is because we're doing so much video and audio production with it.

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It needs to be a high end laptop.

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And so it's got work, it's got serious work to do.

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And so it's not, it's not a cheap laptop, but if you would like to help out with that

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purchase of the laptop with us, you can head on over to dudesanddads.com/help and make

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a PayPal donation there.

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We would greatly appreciate it.

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But again, like just with, with the restrictions coming down, like we feel like we need to

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separate ourselves from, from using that, we need a dedicated machine that we can use to

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get the job done and all of that.

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So, so dudesanddads.com/help, if you would love to help out.

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Nice.

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Perfect.

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Appreciate you all.

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Well, that's the beginning of our, of our, we'll call that our beginning of our computer

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campaign right there.

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So thank you everyone in advance for your help.

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Hey Andy, we were discussing topics for this show and it was like, what, what do we want

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to bring somebody in?

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Or did we want to have a conversation between the two of us?

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Cause that, that can be good from time to time.

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And and I said, cause this has been on my mind and I think it's a sphere that both of

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us are to varying degrees, navigating, having conversations with, with our, with our spouses

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and with our children, talking on the topic of dating of our kids, dating the, or whether

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they're able to date or not at all, or, and if they are, when are they able to?

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And, and all of the fine details in between.

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And so I've just been, I've been thinking about this because and, and I'm, let me say

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at the outset, and I think you're probably, I'm, you're probably in the same boat as I

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am.

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I want to be careful.

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My kids, our kids listen to this show and their friends listen to this show.

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And so I want to be respectful because we're gonna be talking about our children to a certain

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degree.

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And I want to be respectful of them and their significant others slash close friends or

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people that they are maybe in these sort of relationships with.

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Cause I don't, I was the thing to myself, it's like, man, I don't want ever want my

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kids to feel like whatever they talk to me about, like on the podcast, whatever it's

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kind of like, yeah.

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And it's kind of like comedians where it's like, oh, that's, you're just gonna be a new

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material for new kids.

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And same thing, you're going to be a sermon title.

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Absolutely.

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So yeah.

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Joel, like, yeah, for me, I know let's talk a little bit about initial feelings, you know,

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when we first mentioned this topic and you mentioned this topic and, and we've been,

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Julie and I have been kind of discussing it on and off because one of our children is,

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seems to be more interested in that, that life, the dating life than the other ones

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do.

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And so we've been, we've been chatting about that a little bit.

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And so, yeah, what, what feelings for you come up when I say, Hey, Joel, if I'm honest.

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Yeah.

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This is the thing I, when I was pondering this question, I think there's just a lot

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of fear.

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I think if I'm really honest with you, I think there's a lot of, there's a lot of fear and

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I've really been trying to dig into why I am so fearful about it because it, it, it,

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at this stage in life, you know, when, when our, with our kids at this adolescent, so

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Aaron right now is 14 will be 15 here.

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End of November, Josiah is 13.

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It feels like these relationships, I don't know that, that my kids' relationships are

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so important.

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I'm number one, I'm very, very clear about how important their close relationships are.

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And I'm very, very clear about when the relationships are going well in their circles, how I see

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my kids kind of flourishing and, you know, they're engaged and they seem happy and they're

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like, they're doing well.

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And when there's a relationship that's sideways and that could be any kind of relationship

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that's close to their circle.

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It's like, I don't know if I would say devastating, but it matters.

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It matters really significantly, not unlike us as, as adults.

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But I think as we get older, we learn to navigate some of that stuff.

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And probably by the time we're adults, hopefully you feel this way about me.

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We've, we've kind of settled in on like a, who are core people are these are people.

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It's like, okay, I can trust these people.

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I can be vulnerable with them.

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This is my tribe.

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These are my people.

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I'm not constantly worried about like my circle of friends.

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Cause I just, I know who they are and it's, you know, whereas my kids are still forming

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that.

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Right.

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And so that comes into terms with like the dating relationships.

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And so there's number one, there's fear of, Hey, if they put themselves out there, make

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themselves vulnerable to a relationship and it goes bad.

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That's one thing.

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00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:55,200
Ooh, what's that going to mean for them?

243
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,200
Right.

244
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,160
Well, well, I mean, honestly, it, it could be anything.

245
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:03,920
I mean, it could be ending, especially if there's friendships that go with that, you

246
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,720
know, you're, let's say you're dating somebody who, who is friends with the person you're

247
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:12,760
dating and you're friends with them and yeah, it could definitely go sideways and that would

248
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:13,760
be bad.

249
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:18,800
Well, and, and then obviously just for them, like it, it's not just a single, yeah, to

250
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,400
your point, it's not just a single relationship.

251
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,400
It's like the network.

252
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,840
It's like the network of relationships that are involved.

253
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:24,840
Yeah.

254
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,640
Especially, especially in high school, because usually again, you're friends with those people

255
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,960
and it's, it's yeah.

256
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,800
Not just, yeah, yeah.

257
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,140
Not just, not just something that it's a single person dating.

258
00:13:34,140 --> 00:13:35,760
So yeah, there's, there's fear on that.

259
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:41,680
They're just the, and I think the other thing is, is that, and this is where maybe this

260
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:45,360
is the PG 13 part of the show, like cover years.

261
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:46,360
Yeah.

262
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:54,600
There's all of you there's and my, and mind you, I read a pretty lengthy research piece

263
00:13:54,600 --> 00:14:00,760
from, from Pew research and which we've got some statistics from it to talk about, but

264
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:11,280
you know the, the average age where where teens are beginning to have enter into sexual

265
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,840
relationships is, is right around that.

266
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:19,720
As soon as they turn fit, basically like right at 15, like you start seeing like a pretty

267
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:24,960
significant increase increase at 15 to 17 range.

268
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:30,000
And you know, my oldest son being there you know, approaching 15.

269
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:36,440
I think that's the other, the other thing too, like really understanding like man have

270
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:42,320
an asking the question, have we poured into him all the resources that he needs to make

271
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,360
wise choices in his relationships?

272
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,240
Have we had the appropriate conversations?

273
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,240
Are we continuing?

274
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:52,380
Cause the, the conversation that we've said this on other shows, the conversation is different

275
00:14:52,380 --> 00:14:55,000
kind of as he gets older, there's, there's more, right.

276
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,000
More to it.

277
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,000
Right.

278
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:05,720
So there's kind of a, there can be an anxiety around that of like I want you, like, I really

279
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:10,760
hope that you will make the right choices and not make choices that are going to, they're

280
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:12,400
going to harm you or sideline you.

281
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:16,800
I think that that happens in, in any, any, anything, not just dating though.

282
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:17,800
Right.

283
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,520
I mean, that's something that, that we've been talking about.

284
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:25,640
So I've got an 18 year old, a 17 year old, you know, on down the line.

285
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:28,160
And so we've been kind of talking about that all along.

286
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,920
You know, the, those are the things that I hope that I've instilled in, in all of my

287
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:38,040
children, my, the values that I hold, but I also, you know, for everything, not, not

288
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:39,040
just dating.

289
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:40,040
Yeah.

290
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,040
Yeah.

291
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:45,640
And, and, and that's where it's like, now it feels like, and this is maybe this is about

292
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:49,680
me just as much as anything where it's like, Oh, now I get to see my impact on display

293
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,920
a little bit, like in terms of how they're, you know, what they're taking on and what

294
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:59,520
they're internalizing, even though this whole time they might've been, I mean, I know that

295
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,720
so many times when we're having try to have serious conversations about stuff, it's kind

296
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,040
of like, Oh, okay.

297
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:05,040
Yeah.

298
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,040
Got it.

299
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:07,040
Thank you.

300
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,760
Like they want, they want to be out of that conversation because there's an uncomfortability

301
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:14,160
to it and all of that, which, you know, they want to be out of that conversation like yesterday.

302
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:17,720
And it's like, Oh man, I just hope that you can, you know, that they're kind of latching

303
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,720
on and gleaning to a couple of essential things.

304
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,760
So there, if I'm, so again, back to it, I'm, if I'm really honest, there's, there's

305
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:28,200
fear, there's some fear there for a few different reasons.

306
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:33,400
And and I really hope it's like, that's not the key thing with those guiding, you know,

307
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:38,720
guiding my decisions about, you know, what I'm, what I'm talking to them about and kind

308
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,720
of our, what our guidelines are.

309
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:42,720
Sure.

310
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:47,680
Well, so yeah, I think for, for me, when I'm talking about teenage, it's, it's interesting

311
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:53,800
because so for us, both of our boys have not really showed an interest in, in dating.

312
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:59,000
I mean, there's been some people that they've kind of liked, but never really like, yeah.

313
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:04,560
But then like my other kids, I don't want to call out my kids, but like there, there

314
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:05,560
has been an interest there.

315
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,300
And so like, it's, it's, it's, it's, yeah, it's just been kind of interesting trying

316
00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:11,920
to navigate that coming along.

317
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:18,200
And yeah, I think for me, I'm, I'm okay with it.

318
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:21,280
You know, I noticed that one of the questions that we had kind of come up with beforehand

319
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,840
is like, you know, is there anything with our own dating experiences that informs the

320
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:29,920
way that our date, that it forms how we are feeling about our kids.

321
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:37,700
And I think for me, so I'm taking this back to me for me growing up, I almost always had

322
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:38,700
a girlfriend.

323
00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:42,920
I kind of built my, like probably self-esteem on that.

324
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:43,920
Sure.

325
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:44,920
Right.

326
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:48,320
Like that was just something that I, I almost always, and I, and gosh, I'm trying to think

327
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:57,080
back when I, when I would have started dating and oh man, I would have probably been, I

328
00:17:57,080 --> 00:18:01,280
don't know, probably actually dating, dating probably freshman year.

329
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:02,280
Yeah.

330
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,480
And again, what's that really mean as a freshman?

331
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,640
Cause I didn't really have anyone that were friends that were older.

332
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:11,260
I mean, I did, I had one friend that was a grade older than me, so he could have driven

333
00:18:11,260 --> 00:18:13,980
and he did, but I mean, really what's that mean?

334
00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:14,980
Right.

335
00:18:14,980 --> 00:18:21,740
And I think that's, that's one of the things, but yeah, I, for me, I was dating pretty much

336
00:18:21,740 --> 00:18:23,980
from then on until I got married.

337
00:18:23,980 --> 00:18:24,980
Right.

338
00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:28,220
And so there wasn't really much of a time that I, that I wasn't dating somebody.

339
00:18:28,220 --> 00:18:33,840
And I know that I had probably based some of my, my, the way I valued myself on that.

340
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,200
And so that's not, that's not good.

341
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:39,620
And so that's something I don't, I looking at what I'm thinking about my kids, some of

342
00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:44,420
the things that I want to pass down to them are you don't need to have a girlfriend or

343
00:18:44,420 --> 00:18:47,260
a boyfriend all the time.

344
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:50,900
Like it's okay for you to have one, but don't base your value on that.

345
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:53,300
Like there's one reason to get to date, right?

346
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:59,380
It's not because you just want to have a friend that's a girl or whatever, but there's one

347
00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:02,980
reason for that to find out who you want to get married to.

348
00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:03,980
Right.

349
00:19:03,980 --> 00:19:05,720
Because this is going to last forever.

350
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:09,840
Not just, you know, you know, so even, even as you're, you know, we both have some mutual

351
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:13,520
friends who dated, I think when they were in kindergarten and they ended up marrying,

352
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:19,320
but well, I guess I'm calling you guys out, but you know who you are, but, but for the

353
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:22,800
most part, I mean, you're not going to be marrying the person that you're dating in

354
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:27,220
a freshman year, but you're, you're using that example to find out when you're using

355
00:19:27,220 --> 00:19:31,020
that, that time to figure out what you do and do what you don't like in, in a, in a

356
00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:33,240
spouse and a mate in a, yeah.

357
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:36,460
In a boyfriend, girlfriend, that's the intentionality that we need to bring to it.

358
00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:37,460
I think that's an okay.

359
00:19:37,460 --> 00:19:39,940
It's, it's probably a helpful conversation to have.

360
00:19:39,940 --> 00:19:46,040
I know we've had it with, with Aaron, like that's what these decisions matter because

361
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:50,380
you are actually forming your kind of your vision and your purpose for the person that

362
00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:55,680
you're going to, you're going to be with and, and hopefully doing so in a, in a relatively

363
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,520
safe and controlled environment.

364
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:02,080
You know, it's not, I mean, and I would, I would go back, you know, to my own experience.

365
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:08,740
I think I had, there, there was, there was such, such social pressure, at least within

366
00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:14,220
in the schools that I was like such social pressure to have, have the girlfriend, have

367
00:20:14,220 --> 00:20:16,060
the quote unquote girlfriend or whatever.

368
00:20:16,060 --> 00:20:20,380
And that was the middle school for middle school for me on your, your popular kids have

369
00:20:20,380 --> 00:20:24,060
to have girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever, whatever that starting.

370
00:20:24,060 --> 00:20:25,060
Yeah.

371
00:20:25,060 --> 00:20:26,140
And again, what does that mean?

372
00:20:26,140 --> 00:20:31,180
Because in junior high, but, but yeah, so I also like want to remind people too, as

373
00:20:31,180 --> 00:20:36,440
we continue this conversation that if you're watching in our live studio audience or online

374
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:40,060
in YouTube, which we also consider our live studio audience too.

375
00:20:40,060 --> 00:20:43,200
So there we would love to hear your thoughts on this.

376
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:47,460
So type them in the chat because you, we want you to be a part of this conversation also.

377
00:20:47,460 --> 00:20:48,620
So that's super helpful.

378
00:20:48,620 --> 00:20:52,440
So type, type some things in the chat and, and cause we'd like to hear, hear what your

379
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:53,440
thoughts on her.

380
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:57,540
So, so there's this perception and that's, I think, so both you and I would be very,

381
00:20:57,540 --> 00:21:02,100
very similar, like always having some sort of significant other situation.

382
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:08,940
And it feeling like everybody was doing like that was the expectation or frequently everybody's

383
00:21:08,940 --> 00:21:10,020
doing it.

384
00:21:10,020 --> 00:21:13,300
So here's the thing is I was doing a little bit of research here, Andy.

385
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:23,660
So back in the, so 10 years ago Pew research did did this project called research.

386
00:21:23,660 --> 00:21:28,180
Let me see, sorry, I got a small type.

387
00:21:28,180 --> 00:21:32,260
It was the peer research center did a teen relationship survey.

388
00:21:32,260 --> 00:21:39,520
So this is back conducted over between October within September and October of 2014.

389
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:47,300
And then into March of 2015 of over a thousand kids ages 13 to 17.

390
00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:57,300
The deal is of that 13 to 17 range, 64% of those kids had had no like no serious, any

391
00:21:57,300 --> 00:21:58,980
sort of dating relationship whatsoever.

392
00:21:58,980 --> 00:22:01,740
I mean, 64%, still the clear majority.

393
00:22:01,740 --> 00:22:06,940
Now I know this survey is a little bit old and I will say the survey really comes the

394
00:22:06,940 --> 00:22:08,500
it's age really, really shows.

395
00:22:08,500 --> 00:22:13,620
Cause I couldn't find one that was this extensive more recently.

396
00:22:13,620 --> 00:22:17,860
That kids were connecting heavily over Facebook back back then.

397
00:22:17,860 --> 00:22:26,060
And since 2015, I mean, when I was like deep into my youth men days like it was very clear

398
00:22:26,060 --> 00:22:29,580
that teenagers were like fleeing from Facebook by the, by the probes.

399
00:22:29,580 --> 00:22:30,580
Right?

400
00:22:30,580 --> 00:22:32,620
Like that's been a demographic that's not been, not been around.

401
00:22:32,620 --> 00:22:40,860
But you know, there is this, there's this perception and there's this pressure like,

402
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:43,540
Oh, everybody, quote unquote, everybody's doing this.

403
00:22:43,540 --> 00:22:50,620
I think, I think it's helpful to say, yeah, maybe not, maybe not as many as we think.

404
00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:59,960
And those that are of that 35% that are really only a relatively small percentage would actually

405
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:00,960
say that those are serious.

406
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:04,340
They would identify those as serious relationships.

407
00:23:04,340 --> 00:23:09,300
So you know, so it's, it's kind of like, I think the perception too, because we, as parents,

408
00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:17,460
I have seen this in certain parenting circles where it's like, you want your kid to fit

409
00:23:17,460 --> 00:23:19,300
in and be cool.

410
00:23:19,300 --> 00:23:27,020
And so either overtly or not so overtly you're, you're encouraging them in this kind of relationship

411
00:23:27,020 --> 00:23:31,020
scheme.

412
00:23:31,020 --> 00:23:36,620
And maybe, and maybe we don't need to, that was just kind of one, that was one thought

413
00:23:36,620 --> 00:23:41,860
that crossed, that crossed my mind, like for sure, not everyone's doing it.

414
00:23:41,860 --> 00:23:46,580
And if you want to be one of those that are not participating in the dating thing, then

415
00:23:46,580 --> 00:23:47,580
that's right.

416
00:23:47,580 --> 00:23:48,580
Then that's great.

417
00:23:48,580 --> 00:23:49,580
Right.

418
00:23:49,580 --> 00:23:51,940
And I think that that's, I feel like that's what we've kind of said with our kids too.

419
00:23:51,940 --> 00:23:55,940
We've kind of said, you know, it's okay.

420
00:23:55,940 --> 00:24:00,100
Like, but these are some things, you know, and I made it pretty clear, like, I think

421
00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:01,100
I have anyway.

422
00:24:01,100 --> 00:24:05,860
So kids, if you're listening, I'm trying to make it clear, has dad made it clear that,

423
00:24:05,860 --> 00:24:10,660
you know, I try to make it clear that yes, it's not always healthy to, to have that relationship

424
00:24:10,660 --> 00:24:12,500
because there is that expectations.

425
00:24:12,500 --> 00:24:17,060
And I think, I mean, for me, I had that expectation where I was always dating somebody, but I

426
00:24:17,060 --> 00:24:22,020
think also not only that, but what we need to think of.

427
00:24:22,020 --> 00:24:23,020
Okay.

428
00:24:23,020 --> 00:24:27,780
So yes, you have this relationship and not only what happens if it breaks up, but this

429
00:24:27,780 --> 00:24:33,660
relationship can also become unhealthy pretty fast because you can, you can, you can end

430
00:24:33,660 --> 00:24:38,460
up having somebody who you end up spending all your time with, where you're not developing

431
00:24:38,460 --> 00:24:43,240
other relationships of the same sex or opposite sex, because you don't want to either a offend

432
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:47,220
or they want to spend out, spend the time with you.

433
00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:50,760
And so there's this healthy, like, I mean, obviously Joel, I think you, we, we realize

434
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:57,100
this and our married relationships that there it's, it's good to spend time away too.

435
00:24:57,100 --> 00:24:58,100
Right.

436
00:24:58,100 --> 00:25:03,640
I mean, we need to obviously be wooing and dating our spouse, but at the same time, like

437
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:05,300
you're doing things outside of that.

438
00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:06,620
I mean, we're doing this podcast right now.

439
00:25:06,620 --> 00:25:11,320
You're spending time away from, from Jackie, I'm spending time away from Julie.

440
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:16,860
And so there's that healthy relationships that we we've that we're cultivating, right?

441
00:25:16,860 --> 00:25:20,540
Just sort of not just with our spouse.

442
00:25:20,540 --> 00:25:26,580
And I think it's really easy for teenagers in particular to slip into that relationship

443
00:25:26,580 --> 00:25:31,860
that can become unhealthy because of the fact that you're just going to try to spend all

444
00:25:31,860 --> 00:25:33,340
the time with your boyfriend.

445
00:25:33,340 --> 00:25:36,640
And that's that you don't need to and shouldn't be doing that.

446
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:37,640
Yeah.

447
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:43,180
So that sort of bears out like this this research that Pew did this relationship survey.

448
00:25:43,180 --> 00:25:49,800
So when asked like what they thought acceptable frequencies of communication, how frequently

449
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:53,160
these, these people should be.

450
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:59,860
So so the so it says team data's usually have similar communication expectations as the

451
00:25:59,860 --> 00:26:00,860
significant others.

452
00:26:00,860 --> 00:26:02,320
So usually they're pretty well matched.

453
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,540
Each individual is pretty well matched on that.

454
00:26:04,540 --> 00:26:11,440
So the percentage of teens with relationship experience who expect to hear from their partner,

455
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:16,940
so of the total they surveyed 11% expect to hear from their partner hourly.

456
00:26:16,940 --> 00:26:29,640
So this is like texting 35% every few hours and then 38% at least once a day.

457
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:35,000
So the once a day, maybe we wouldn't like, we wouldn't be like, Oh, but and then that's

458
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:38,240
pretty, and then their partner expects to hear from them.

459
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:42,960
15% said hourly 38% said every few hours, 35%.

460
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:43,960
Yeah.

461
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,160
Said once a day.

462
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:54,520
So there's a, there is a net total of between 85 and 88% roughly where there were, that's

463
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:57,360
a high degree of like high degree of communication.

464
00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:06,040
And I just wondered if that is sustainable in and of itself, if that's, if that's the

465
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:10,320
expectation to your point, it quickly engulfs the young person.

466
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:11,320
Right.

467
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:16,320
So, so from our, from, from our studio audience here on zoom, most definitely time together

468
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:19,560
is great, but you don't always have the same interest.

469
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:24,540
You don't always have to have together to be together to do done everything.

470
00:27:24,540 --> 00:27:28,640
That's the one main thing we always dealt with with for my youngest and my oldest boys.

471
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,680
And now with my eldest, to me, it's not healthy.

472
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:32,680
Some can do it.

473
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:33,680
Some can't.

474
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:34,680
Yup.

475
00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:38,300
And you got to, depending on the personality of your child, some of them will go all in

476
00:27:38,300 --> 00:27:39,680
on that and be totally immersed.

477
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:43,480
Others are like, listen, I need, I need my meantime and they'll keep, they'll keep those,

478
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:46,840
they'll keep the boundaries more clear one way or the other.

479
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:50,420
So yeah, I just, well, and that's, I mean, going back to your, to the, the peer research

480
00:27:50,420 --> 00:27:56,000
that you were just talking about, like that's, that's pretty intense when it, I mean, those,

481
00:27:56,000 --> 00:28:00,480
I don't even most of the time talk to, you know, I would say every couple hours, sometimes

482
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:04,880
I text Julie during the workday, but not always like there's some days that it's like, maybe

483
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:05,880
we go full day.

484
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:06,880
You had a full workday.

485
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:07,880
I'm like, oh shoot.

486
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:08,880
I didn't text her at all.

487
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:09,880
You know, whatever.

488
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,840
But I mean, yeah, there's a little bit difference cause we're in communication usually in the

489
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:14,080
morning before we get up.

490
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:19,320
And you know, whereas with a teenager, they live in different households.

491
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:23,560
They're not seeing each other right away, but yeah, I don't think that that's healthy

492
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:28,700
more than a couple of times a day, but, but texting has become, I mean, even when we were

493
00:28:28,700 --> 00:28:35,640
kids Joel, I mean, I'm going to show my age here, but I didn't have a cell phone until

494
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:38,640
I don't even know if I had one in high school.

495
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:42,700
I was a senior in high school when I got mine and you're significantly younger than I am.

496
00:28:42,700 --> 00:28:47,740
So why thank you.

497
00:28:47,740 --> 00:28:51,200
But I'm going to start walking with a cane soon.

498
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:53,080
But I didn't even have one then.

499
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:57,780
And so even then it was, you paid by the number, by the, you only had certain text amount of

500
00:28:57,780 --> 00:28:59,480
text and this is really showing my age.

501
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:02,880
And then you had that T nine texting where you had to like push the letter three times

502
00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:05,040
to get the, the alphabet down.

503
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:07,280
And it was a pain to, it was a pain to text.

504
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:08,280
So painful.

505
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:11,080
I mean, people got good at it, but not me, but yeah.

506
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:16,160
So yeah, that was one of the things I think that, yeah, for me that looking at that, that's

507
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:21,440
not healthy when you're having that much communication, I think with, with your significant other,

508
00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:23,660
especially on a teenage level.

509
00:29:23,660 --> 00:29:24,660
Right.

510
00:29:24,660 --> 00:29:29,580
And as we've said, most of it is through the medium of technology of text, of social media.

511
00:29:29,580 --> 00:29:31,380
It's not even necessarily face to face.

512
00:29:31,380 --> 00:29:35,380
So it's kind of like, you know, well, I mean, we've all experienced it, right?

513
00:29:35,380 --> 00:29:39,140
I mean, you can't really tell tone and inflection through a text message.

514
00:29:39,140 --> 00:29:43,080
And so, you know, it's, it's not the same text messaging is not the same.

515
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:51,020
I mean, as being face to face is it's not developing the same relationship.

516
00:29:51,020 --> 00:29:55,260
And that's, I think, yeah, that's where, yeah.

517
00:29:55,260 --> 00:29:58,940
So here's maybe we get into the part of the conversation, Andy, where we talk about some

518
00:29:58,940 --> 00:30:02,060
of the guidelines and rules that we have set up.

519
00:30:02,060 --> 00:30:11,000
Cause I, I do want to, I want to touch on if we have had different approaches.

520
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:17,000
My daughter is only eight years old and so we're, we're not having, we're not having

521
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:21,060
that conversation yet.

522
00:30:21,060 --> 00:30:24,860
So this is more of your area of expertise.

523
00:30:24,860 --> 00:30:31,060
But wondering about the guidelines that you guys, that you guys have set and maybe when,

524
00:30:31,060 --> 00:30:38,460
you know, and so guidelines and then touching a little bit on, are the guidelines the same

525
00:30:38,460 --> 00:30:42,540
for both our guys and our girls?

526
00:30:42,540 --> 00:30:46,440
Do they differ some at all?

527
00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:48,840
And like, yeah, how you and Julia have navigated that.

528
00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:52,300
And then I'll, I'll tell you what, where we're at.

529
00:30:52,300 --> 00:30:53,940
You're not talking anything with Molly.

530
00:30:53,940 --> 00:30:57,460
So no, no, and not heavy out and only, only two boys at this point.

531
00:30:57,460 --> 00:31:06,040
So, so I think in our, again, like I kind of, and I've had mentioned it, but our two

532
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:10,580
boys weren't super interested until even, I mean, they're showing interest in, in dating

533
00:31:10,580 --> 00:31:13,000
now.

534
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,380
But they're not necessarily like they were with Reagan.

535
00:31:15,380 --> 00:31:21,260
Reagan has showed more interest in that and she's a freshman.

536
00:31:21,260 --> 00:31:32,540
And so we've, we've kind of taken the lines of like, let's talk about this, you know,

537
00:31:32,540 --> 00:31:35,100
as we talk, like, what does this mean?

538
00:31:35,100 --> 00:31:40,800
Like, so you have a interest or whatever, like, what does that mean for you now?

539
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:43,080
Because like I was saying earlier, you can't date.

540
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:44,080
Yeah.

541
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:49,720
I mean, you can't, you can't go on quote unquote traditional dates because you can't go anywhere,

542
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:50,720
right?

543
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:52,560
I mean, you could, if we would take you, but.

544
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:56,020
So is that a rule, is that a quote unquote, guideline, a rule for you guys right now?

545
00:31:56,020 --> 00:32:03,040
Like you having, you having a close friendship with a person of, with, with a guy, you haven't

546
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:04,380
said no to that.

547
00:32:04,380 --> 00:32:10,780
But in terms of like the two of you going, I don't know that we've necessarily said no.

548
00:32:10,780 --> 00:32:12,720
And I think, I think that it depends.

549
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:19,620
I think, I think you have to respect and go with the other kids' parents too.

550
00:32:19,620 --> 00:32:22,160
So this is, this is, this is not just a, absolutely.

551
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:25,080
This is not just a single, a single thing, right?

552
00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:29,000
I mean, this isn't just me saying, okay, Reagan, you can, you can date or you can't date.

553
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:30,000
Right.

554
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:36,340
And obviously the person or people that she's interested in are the same age.

555
00:32:36,340 --> 00:32:44,060
And so I have to respect their, his parents wishes too.

556
00:32:44,060 --> 00:32:45,060
Right.

557
00:32:45,060 --> 00:32:47,820
And, and so, so you feel like you need to know what those wishes are probably.

558
00:32:47,820 --> 00:32:48,820
Right.

559
00:32:48,820 --> 00:32:51,300
And I do, I mean, we've talked to this and I know that.

560
00:32:51,300 --> 00:32:56,440
And so, and so we're on the same page of, okay, this is what it looks like because he

561
00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:59,780
can't, you know, whatever, this is what his parents said.

562
00:32:59,780 --> 00:33:01,740
So this is our statement right now.

563
00:33:01,740 --> 00:33:02,740
Yeah.

564
00:33:02,740 --> 00:33:07,220
And so, yeah, that's, you've taken kind of a community-based approach today.

565
00:33:07,220 --> 00:33:08,220
I love it.

566
00:33:08,220 --> 00:33:12,380
I think, I think so.

567
00:33:12,380 --> 00:33:19,720
We know, we know both of the other families of the ladies that are, that our boys are

568
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:22,720
interested in or in relationships with.

569
00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:31,480
We we had a, probably a much more like intentional conversation with Aaron about that.

570
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:37,440
Like I said, he was entering high school because Aaron was not interested, showed no interest.

571
00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:38,680
Yeah.

572
00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:44,720
I'll, I'll say, or very, very little, very, very little interest through junior high or

573
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:46,120
anything like that.

574
00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:50,520
And then getting into high school, it was clear that there was something, something

575
00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:52,640
was going on.

576
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:58,360
Cause he didn't want to sit with, sit with me at basketball games anymore.

577
00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:04,000
And that's how I knew there was someone else.

578
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:11,320
And then, and then with Josiah, Josiah just, you know, places his own trail and places.

579
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:15,080
And so we just have to make sure we're keeping up with, with what's going on there.

580
00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:16,080
Sure.

581
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:18,760
A little, a little less likely to be forthcoming about that.

582
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:19,760
Right.

583
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:20,760
You don't want to, yeah.

584
00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:21,760
Yeah.

585
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:22,760
Yeah.

586
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:26,280
So you're trying to like, you're trying to, in all of this as it is Andy and you, I know

587
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:31,560
you guys have felt this maintaining open lines of communication, not making them feel like

588
00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:33,120
they need to hide anything.

589
00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:34,120
Right.

590
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:35,120
These are, these are okay.

591
00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:36,120
Things to talk about.

592
00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:42,400
But yeah, we were, we were, we're just always super like, we're just super hesitant of like,

593
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:46,480
okay, when you have, when you say you have a girlfriend, what does that actually mean?

594
00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:49,720
And how do you understand all of that and all of that?

595
00:34:49,720 --> 00:34:55,200
So, so have you talked about that?

596
00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:59,560
Like what your expectations are, like what they can, I mean, yeah, I know for us, we've

597
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:02,440
said, okay, we don't, we've asked Reagan, what, what does this mean?

598
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:03,760
Like, what do you call that?

599
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:07,720
And engineer or not junior high, but at your age, what do you, what does it people call

600
00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:08,720
what you're doing?

601
00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:09,720
Yeah.

602
00:35:09,720 --> 00:35:10,720
And she said talking.

603
00:35:10,720 --> 00:35:11,720
Yeah.

604
00:35:11,720 --> 00:35:14,320
And so like, I'm trying to understand that as an apparent, like, okay, what does that

605
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:15,320
involve?

606
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:20,320
Like, is that the same as dating like, or is there a difference to that?

607
00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:21,320
And what does that mean?

608
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,240
Do you think that this is how old we are?

609
00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:28,480
Is that, is that the new cultural, is that the new cultural I'd be interested.

610
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:31,100
I need to hear it from like the young people.

611
00:35:31,100 --> 00:35:32,920
Is that the new, is that the new label?

612
00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:35,640
Like, Hey, there's, there's talking.

613
00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:40,960
And then there's dating is that are these like, cause I've heard that I've heard that

614
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:42,640
like, Oh, we're just talking.

615
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:46,000
I think it's a little bit like seeing each other or whatever, like what I think we would

616
00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:51,320
have done in junior high where you're like, I had this warm, fuzzy relationship.

617
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:55,400
We're going out, but we're not really like dating.

618
00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:59,560
Like I think it'd be the same as going out, but you're not dating cause you're not going

619
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:00,560
on dates.

620
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:04,200
It would be more of, yeah, something, there's something different or special about this

621
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:05,200
relationship.

622
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:08,760
I see you at school and we have this, like, we like each other.

623
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:09,760
Yes.

624
00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:10,760
There's a connection.

625
00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:14,880
You know, that I like you and you know that you like me and we know that hopefully, and

626
00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:18,000
hopefully maybe you're not liking other people the same way.

627
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:19,000
You're right.

628
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,640
Same way you're like, Hey, yeah.

629
00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:24,600
And so I think, I think that's what would be considered talking.

630
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:28,040
I should have got Reagan's definition for this show.

631
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:31,080
We'll follow up on the, on the new, on the new relationship definition.

632
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:34,920
She probably won't tell me she's, she's gonna, she's like, I can't give you inside access

633
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:38,360
to the secret world of the, of the terms.

634
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:39,360
Yeah.

635
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:48,040
So, yeah, we have, we have taken, I think we're probably our sort of expectations.

636
00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:59,560
So our expectations were basically we've, we've just said, we've just said number one,

637
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:05,000
you know, kind of, I don't know, it uncovered some things that were within me that I found

638
00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:09,640
uncomfortable where it's like having, you know, obviously we're having the, the quote

639
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:17,400
unquote, the talk, you know, with, with Aaron and then it becomes kind of more like, but

640
00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:22,360
at the same time, does that mean, I mean, we, you've, you've said that according to

641
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:29,120
research, like getting in a relationship is more likely to lead to sexual activity or

642
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:30,880
whatever, right around age 15.

643
00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:31,880
Right.

644
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:33,080
So does that mean that's something that you should be having?

645
00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:37,240
I mean, yes, I think you should as Josiah, but like, how do you guys treat that?

646
00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:40,720
Because I mean, especially if he's dating, I'll just tell you, I'll tell you what was

647
00:37:40,720 --> 00:37:42,880
a huge relief and a huge confirmation for us.

648
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:47,320
And the God God was very good to us on this.

649
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:54,040
Aaron was able, Aaron was able to, Aaron's significant other we've, we've met the parents

650
00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:59,560
and all of that know who they are.

651
00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:04,480
You were able to have the conversation and it will definitely able to confirm that both

652
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:10,560
of them have the same expectations and boundaries in their, in their, in their relationship.

653
00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:15,440
And that particularly, and I was, I just was very, very proud of both of them where it

654
00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:20,280
was just like it's like a non-star like it's a non-starter for them.

655
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:25,920
Like this is, this is what, you know, us being at this age and non-married, this is, these

656
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:27,280
are the boundaries for our relationship.

657
00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:28,280
Right.

658
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:33,240
And it's like, now you and I both know that those boundaries will be tested as they, as

659
00:38:33,240 --> 00:38:39,160
they get older, as they have more freedoms, all of that, but they have at least decided

660
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:44,040
right now that what, you know, what they, what they want that relationship to look like.

661
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:48,480
Meanwhile, they're inevitably going to be having friends or people around them or that

662
00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:51,800
they know about that are not, that are not following the same.

663
00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:56,400
They're not, they're, they're a part of the 35% of kids in that age range that, you know,

664
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:58,200
enter into those kinds of relationships.

665
00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:04,480
So I guess that was the, but that was the conversation where it was like, we just told

666
00:39:04,480 --> 00:39:08,240
Aaron number one, here's what respecting a woman looks like, right?

667
00:39:08,240 --> 00:39:14,360
This is, this is how you are to talk to her, how you are to treat her.

668
00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:19,560
And you know, and hopefully, and hopefully, hopefully you see me, example, that in our

669
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:24,160
home with how I'm again, talking to your mother, relating to your mom, how, you know, how I'm

670
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:27,220
showing that I care for her and respect her and all, and all of that.

671
00:39:27,220 --> 00:39:30,800
That puts you on, on high alert though, for you have making sure, which is great.

672
00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:33,800
I mean, that makes you have to reevaluate how you're treating Jackie.

673
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:34,800
Right.

674
00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:36,240
I mean, yeah, it absolutely, it absolutely does.

675
00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:39,660
I was thinking as we were, as I was doing the show, the show notes that definitely I

676
00:39:39,660 --> 00:39:44,040
was just thinking, I'm like, gosh, yeah, that that's just reminded me of the importance

677
00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:45,040
of it for sure.

678
00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:46,040
Yeah.

679
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:47,040
So I have a question for you.

680
00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:53,600
So as again, we've always said that this show is not necessarily a Christian show, but the

681
00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:55,560
two of us are Christians and so that's going to come out.

682
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:56,560
Yep.

683
00:39:56,560 --> 00:40:03,420
And so for, for me, it was always important that I dated a Christian lady because, and

684
00:40:03,420 --> 00:40:06,220
then, because this is what, what I said going forward.

685
00:40:06,220 --> 00:40:11,220
And when I started dating that dating was specifically for right.

686
00:40:11,220 --> 00:40:16,860
Trying to figure out what I wanted in a spouse and eventually, you know, and hope that would

687
00:40:16,860 --> 00:40:18,820
goal would be for that to lead to marriage.

688
00:40:18,820 --> 00:40:19,820
Right.

689
00:40:19,820 --> 00:40:20,820
Yes.

690
00:40:20,820 --> 00:40:25,540
And so I always said that I wanted to date someone Christian.

691
00:40:25,540 --> 00:40:26,540
Yeah.

692
00:40:26,540 --> 00:40:28,640
And so my parents were along those same lines.

693
00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:33,260
I don't remember if they ever said, yes, you have to, I mean, whatever.

694
00:40:33,260 --> 00:40:35,300
I know I've expressed it at one point.

695
00:40:35,300 --> 00:40:41,660
I expressed interest in a person that I didn't think was a Christian and I don't remember

696
00:40:41,660 --> 00:40:46,040
getting the, you shouldn't be dating that person, but it was like, are you sure there

697
00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:47,040
were more questions?

698
00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:48,040
Right.

699
00:40:48,040 --> 00:40:55,780
And so, yeah, is that something that you have tried to impress on your kids too, as far

700
00:40:55,780 --> 00:40:59,260
as like, maybe not a, maybe a rule.

701
00:40:59,260 --> 00:41:02,860
I think it kind of maybe depends on the age too, especially as they're younger.

702
00:41:02,860 --> 00:41:03,860
Yeah.

703
00:41:03,860 --> 00:41:07,700
But yeah, I think that that conversation is needs to happen is, but what are your thoughts

704
00:41:07,700 --> 00:41:08,700
on that?

705
00:41:08,700 --> 00:41:19,660
Yeah, I would say, I mean in terms of boundaries and in terms of, of understood, like Christian,

706
00:41:19,660 --> 00:41:25,820
broadly speaking, Christian theology forms the basis of how we, how we view relationships

707
00:41:25,820 --> 00:41:29,580
outside of the outside of that.

708
00:41:29,580 --> 00:41:34,820
If you're dating a person, this is true for older, older adults, teenagers, whatever.

709
00:41:34,820 --> 00:41:43,360
If you are dating a person that does not understand relationships to be a reflection of, of God

710
00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:50,640
revealing himself to us and does not understand, like physical intimacy as a gift given within

711
00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:51,640
a covenantal context.

712
00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:55,820
Like if there's a, just a completely different understanding of that, then you're going to

713
00:41:55,820 --> 00:41:58,980
be, then you're going to be at odds with that person.

714
00:41:58,980 --> 00:42:02,820
And that person, that person, I'm not trying to demonize anybody, but that person is going

715
00:42:02,820 --> 00:42:06,060
to lead you and guide you in different directions.

716
00:42:06,060 --> 00:42:08,860
It's always easier to, I mean, yeah.

717
00:42:08,860 --> 00:42:12,420
And I don't know why you would, I get that some people are like that.

718
00:42:12,420 --> 00:42:14,000
Well, I'm going to convert them.

719
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:19,520
I'm going to have, I'm going to, I'm going to lead them to Christ, which that's a great

720
00:42:19,520 --> 00:42:20,520
goal.

721
00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:21,720
Leave them to Christ before you date them.

722
00:42:21,720 --> 00:42:23,800
I don't think I've, I don't know if I've ever seen it happen.

723
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:24,800
I'll be honest with you.

724
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:25,800
Right.

725
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:32,900
And I think more often than not, what I've heard of is that non-Christian person ends

726
00:42:32,900 --> 00:42:36,000
up leading them away from the faith.

727
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:40,000
And so, yeah, so that's something we've, we've said, I mean, we've talked about with our

728
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:42,660
kids, we've I know.

729
00:42:42,660 --> 00:42:43,660
Yeah.

730
00:42:43,660 --> 00:42:45,820
Because it's such a, it's such a, such an important thing.

731
00:42:45,820 --> 00:42:46,820
Yeah.

732
00:42:46,820 --> 00:42:53,740
I mean, again, it's, that is that, that relationship relationship with God is the thing that is

733
00:42:53,740 --> 00:42:55,160
first and foremost to us.

734
00:42:55,160 --> 00:43:00,860
It's why, you know, it's why we're, it's the thing that's structuring all of our decisions

735
00:43:00,860 --> 00:43:03,740
or should be just, you know, guiding all of our decision making.

736
00:43:03,740 --> 00:43:08,980
And so, yeah, yeah, that is a, it's definitely.

737
00:43:08,980 --> 00:43:13,060
It's definitely important.

738
00:43:13,060 --> 00:43:18,860
Our art, I have noticed that both of our boys, one thing I will say is that when they have

739
00:43:18,860 --> 00:43:24,660
shown an interest in, in a girl, they are able to tell us what church that girl goes

740
00:43:24,660 --> 00:43:25,660
to almost immediately.

741
00:43:25,660 --> 00:43:29,760
I don't know if that's the thing that they're that they, so I don't know if it's like, and,

742
00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:35,400
and hopefully, I mean, I think it was like those things have just come up in their conversations

743
00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:38,340
very quickly, which I think is, which I think is awesome.

744
00:43:38,340 --> 00:43:39,340
Right.

745
00:43:39,340 --> 00:43:41,300
If those were one of the first things like, Hey, I want to tell you about my faith community

746
00:43:41,300 --> 00:43:42,540
or what's important to me.

747
00:43:42,540 --> 00:43:50,180
Like if that's early on in the conversation, I think that's probably a pretty good sign.

748
00:43:50,180 --> 00:43:56,800
But if I would definitely be of concern and it's so funny because I was at church today,

749
00:43:56,800 --> 00:44:01,300
pastor Jean was talking, just asked the question about, are you pursuing a relationship and

750
00:44:01,300 --> 00:44:05,460
like your 10 dates in and that hasn't come up once he goes, Hey, that's, he was like

751
00:44:05,460 --> 00:44:06,460
red, red flag.

752
00:44:06,460 --> 00:44:08,460
And it's like, yeah, absolutely.

753
00:44:08,460 --> 00:44:11,700
Yeah, for sure.

754
00:44:11,700 --> 00:44:20,340
So yeah, I think, you know, the faith component is obviously very, very, very, very essential

755
00:44:20,340 --> 00:44:27,560
to say, I think I would, and our two boys know that that our expectation would be yes.

756
00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:33,580
That they're not, that they're not dating or involved with an unbelieving person.

757
00:44:33,580 --> 00:44:35,140
Not that that is a safeguard.

758
00:44:35,140 --> 00:44:40,860
Obviously that is not a, that's not a foolproof safeguard against other, other, other problems.

759
00:44:40,860 --> 00:44:45,220
But you are training yourself to your exact point, as you've been saying, you are training

760
00:44:45,220 --> 00:44:51,100
yourself for what healthy and proper relationships look like for the future.

761
00:44:51,100 --> 00:44:52,100
Right.

762
00:44:52,100 --> 00:44:57,180
And if that's it, and again, if the goal is to lead to marriage, because you never know,

763
00:44:57,180 --> 00:45:00,300
like there's a lot of people who date in high school and the marrying their high school

764
00:45:00,300 --> 00:45:06,140
sweetheart, and it works great or their kindergarten.

765
00:45:06,140 --> 00:45:07,140
And sweetheart.

766
00:45:07,140 --> 00:45:08,140
Yeah.

767
00:45:08,140 --> 00:45:09,140
I mean, yeah.

768
00:45:09,140 --> 00:45:12,380
You know, and I mean, you know, I mean, Jackie and I started dating, I was a sophomore in

769
00:45:12,380 --> 00:45:15,380
high school and you know, so that does that happens.

770
00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:16,380
That happens.

771
00:45:16,380 --> 00:45:20,580
Guess Jackie and I, I have to tell you if we're over the show, Jackie, that's really,

772
00:45:20,580 --> 00:45:22,860
I don't know, profound moment with their day.

773
00:45:22,860 --> 00:45:28,500
I think it ties in a little bit here where she's just like, you know, when you and I

774
00:45:28,500 --> 00:45:34,220
were like first together and we're having, it's just all that, like that fun, you know,

775
00:45:34,220 --> 00:45:37,740
all that fun that we were having when we were young, you know, and hadn't have a lot of

776
00:45:37,740 --> 00:45:38,740
other concerns.

777
00:45:38,740 --> 00:45:44,660
She's like, did you once, did you once ever think of the future where we're carting kids

778
00:45:44,660 --> 00:45:47,820
to soccer practice and do it?

779
00:45:47,820 --> 00:45:52,140
And it's like, right.

780
00:45:52,140 --> 00:45:58,480
You have no idea what your future looks like in that relationship, but the fact that she

781
00:45:58,480 --> 00:46:03,620
and I built our relationship on some central important things enables us to be okay with

782
00:46:03,620 --> 00:46:05,780
the fact that our relationship now looks like, right.

783
00:46:05,780 --> 00:46:09,820
And you have to, I mean, your relationship is going to change and those who don't realize

784
00:46:09,820 --> 00:46:10,820
that.

785
00:46:10,820 --> 00:46:12,780
I mean, other people end up divorced where they're like, you're not the same person I

786
00:46:12,780 --> 00:46:13,780
married.

787
00:46:13,780 --> 00:46:14,780
Well, no, I hope, I hope not.

788
00:46:14,780 --> 00:46:20,420
Like I hope that I'm not, you're not the same person I married, but, but dating looks different

789
00:46:20,420 --> 00:46:22,980
when you're 45 and whatever.

790
00:46:22,980 --> 00:46:28,180
But so we've talked, we've talked a lot about, or a little bit about what concerned us about

791
00:46:28,180 --> 00:46:29,180
teen dating.

792
00:46:29,180 --> 00:46:34,580
We've talked about, you know, the, the averages of kids that start dating and the becoming

793
00:46:34,580 --> 00:46:37,620
act sexually active before they should be.

794
00:46:37,620 --> 00:46:42,960
And a lot of other issues that could come up as far as like possessiveness and other

795
00:46:42,960 --> 00:46:43,960
stuff like that.

796
00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:44,960
Yep.

797
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:49,540
So what, if any positives, like are there, are there positives about teenage dating?

798
00:46:49,540 --> 00:46:51,820
And if so, let's, let's chat about it.

799
00:46:51,820 --> 00:46:52,820
Yeah.

800
00:46:52,820 --> 00:46:56,820
The, the, I think the positives for me are the, it can, it can be a laboratory for learning

801
00:46:56,820 --> 00:47:01,380
about healthy relationships and how, how you respect people, how you care for them and

802
00:47:01,380 --> 00:47:07,260
how you have, if the relationship needs to change or needs to end, how you have hard

803
00:47:07,260 --> 00:47:08,260
conversations.

804
00:47:08,260 --> 00:47:10,460
Well, so, right.

805
00:47:10,460 --> 00:47:13,980
So yeah, that's, that's a good, that can be, I mean, that's going to be hard.

806
00:47:13,980 --> 00:47:15,340
There's going to be heartbreak.

807
00:47:15,340 --> 00:47:20,700
There's going to be, I can think of a few relationships that I had in, in high school

808
00:47:20,700 --> 00:47:26,260
that came to an end that I like even now as an adult, quite honestly, if I'm honest, I

809
00:47:26,260 --> 00:47:30,580
have, I have, like, I still have some regrets about like how that happened.

810
00:47:30,580 --> 00:47:31,580
Right.

811
00:47:31,580 --> 00:47:32,580
Cause there was, there was hurt.

812
00:47:32,580 --> 00:47:33,580
Yeah.

813
00:47:33,580 --> 00:47:34,580
Right.

814
00:47:34,580 --> 00:47:37,180
And I think to my, it's like, yeah, my dumb teenage brain didn't, you know, well, and

815
00:47:37,180 --> 00:47:39,460
I think too, it's good.

816
00:47:39,460 --> 00:47:40,460
Yes.

817
00:47:40,460 --> 00:47:42,820
There's going to be, there's going to be some grieving.

818
00:47:42,820 --> 00:47:43,820
Yeah.

819
00:47:43,820 --> 00:47:44,820
It's a loss.

820
00:47:44,820 --> 00:47:46,020
It's a, it's a, it's a loss.

821
00:47:46,020 --> 00:47:48,540
And so there will be grieving out of that.

822
00:47:48,540 --> 00:47:55,540
But that can be positive, but I think that as being able to do that, I think that as

823
00:47:55,540 --> 00:48:00,260
being able to do that when you're around your parents who can take you in and hopefully

824
00:48:00,260 --> 00:48:02,020
yes sit with you.

825
00:48:02,020 --> 00:48:03,020
Yes.

826
00:48:03,020 --> 00:48:05,980
And, and talk and help you through it.

827
00:48:05,980 --> 00:48:07,380
Maybe help you get a gallon of ice cream.

828
00:48:07,380 --> 00:48:09,980
I don't know what that looks like, whatever you need.

829
00:48:09,980 --> 00:48:16,260
But, but if you can do that, when you have, when you're around your parents, that's going

830
00:48:16,260 --> 00:48:18,780
to help you in the future when you're, let's say not.

831
00:48:18,780 --> 00:48:19,780
Yeah.

832
00:48:19,780 --> 00:48:20,780
Right.

833
00:48:20,780 --> 00:48:25,340
You know, I, I, I've had lots of breakups, you know, like I said earlier, I was dating

834
00:48:25,340 --> 00:48:26,340
constantly.

835
00:48:26,340 --> 00:48:31,460
And so there was a lot of times that I was broken up with and for me to be able to learn

836
00:48:31,460 --> 00:48:36,620
what that looked like during high school, when my parents were there helped me when

837
00:48:36,620 --> 00:48:41,220
they weren't there later on, like when, when I had moved out already.

838
00:48:41,220 --> 00:48:42,220
Right.

839
00:48:42,220 --> 00:48:43,220
Yeah.

840
00:48:43,220 --> 00:48:49,340
I don't want, I don't want my kids having to navigate all of those things without trusted

841
00:48:49,340 --> 00:48:51,820
older adults near them.

842
00:48:51,820 --> 00:48:58,900
And this is why I get, you know, there are parents that have decided and, and I, I can

843
00:48:58,900 --> 00:49:00,220
respect this though.

844
00:49:00,220 --> 00:49:03,840
I have major hesitations to it.

845
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:07,920
You know, they're not allowing their kids to be in any sort of romantic relationship

846
00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:11,380
all the way through high school, like all the way through high school, like until you're

847
00:49:11,380 --> 00:49:18,220
18 you know, absolutely forbidden.

848
00:49:18,220 --> 00:49:20,100
I've been in youth work long enough, Andy.

849
00:49:20,100 --> 00:49:22,740
And this is one thing I can say from my experience.

850
00:49:22,740 --> 00:49:26,560
It's that those kids that when they fail in relationships, they fail big and they fail

851
00:49:26,560 --> 00:49:28,500
in really, really hard ways.

852
00:49:28,500 --> 00:49:34,620
Really, really detrimental ways because they didn't have this safer laboratory, relational

853
00:49:34,620 --> 00:49:36,540
laboratory to work those things out.

854
00:49:36,540 --> 00:49:37,540
Yeah.

855
00:49:37,540 --> 00:49:39,220
They went off to college or they went off into their career.

856
00:49:39,220 --> 00:49:40,860
They moved away from home.

857
00:49:40,860 --> 00:49:44,220
They got connected with XYZ person.

858
00:49:44,220 --> 00:49:49,260
It was all fireworks and you know, fireworks and butterflies.

859
00:49:49,260 --> 00:49:51,580
How the bucket of water got dumped on the fireworks.

860
00:49:51,580 --> 00:49:52,580
Exactly.

861
00:49:52,580 --> 00:49:55,300
And then just was a smoldering hot mess.

862
00:49:55,300 --> 00:49:58,460
And we wouldn't wish that for our kids either.

863
00:49:58,460 --> 00:50:03,420
There is, I think our parental insecurities come into play here.

864
00:50:03,420 --> 00:50:04,940
Absolutely come into play.

865
00:50:04,940 --> 00:50:09,680
Are you able, are you able to take on the slight, the slight risk of having your child

866
00:50:09,680 --> 00:50:13,540
in some sort of relationship now and having the trust and the rapport with them and the

867
00:50:13,540 --> 00:50:16,660
love with them that you can walk through it together.

868
00:50:16,660 --> 00:50:19,540
Cause I think that, I think that is important necessary.

869
00:50:19,540 --> 00:50:28,340
I want them making safe, safe failures, more safe failures now than really destructive

870
00:50:28,340 --> 00:50:31,460
ones later, later on when they don't, when they don't have us around.

871
00:50:31,460 --> 00:50:32,460
Right.

872
00:50:32,460 --> 00:50:41,180
And, and I think, and hopefully we can, like you said earlier, we can use this time as,

873
00:50:41,180 --> 00:50:47,740
as husband and wife to demonstrate to our children what a healthy relationship looks

874
00:50:47,740 --> 00:50:48,740
like.

875
00:50:48,740 --> 00:50:50,900
And, and that sometimes means arguments.

876
00:50:50,900 --> 00:50:53,940
And I mean, obviously I don't have good days every day.

877
00:50:53,940 --> 00:50:54,940
No.

878
00:50:54,940 --> 00:50:55,940
Right.

879
00:50:55,940 --> 00:50:58,780
Like I'm a, I'm a happy go lucky person, but there's a lot of times that I'm not.

880
00:50:58,780 --> 00:50:59,780
Yep.

881
00:50:59,780 --> 00:51:08,340
And so yeah, it, it helps to be able to, to demonstrate that in a relationship now and

882
00:51:08,340 --> 00:51:09,340
then have them have that practice.

883
00:51:09,340 --> 00:51:10,340
Right.

884
00:51:10,340 --> 00:51:13,300
Like, yeah, they're going to learn my kids, even if they don't date now are going to see

885
00:51:13,300 --> 00:51:19,940
that and know what that looks like, but for them to be able to practice that now, I think

886
00:51:19,940 --> 00:51:20,940
it's worth it.

887
00:51:20,940 --> 00:51:21,940
Yeah.

888
00:51:21,940 --> 00:51:24,100
I I'm, I'm right there with you.

889
00:51:24,100 --> 00:51:29,500
And the other thing I would say, you know, in, in all of this and these relationships

890
00:51:29,500 --> 00:51:35,500
and we, we haven't, and this is, I guess more immediately the focus for Andy and we'll,

891
00:51:35,500 --> 00:51:39,500
I mean, it's a focus for all of us in terms of whether we're talking with our boys or

892
00:51:39,500 --> 00:51:46,060
our girls, but the statistics are pretty alarming in terms of, of like with teen violence, dating

893
00:51:46,060 --> 00:51:58,100
violence, for instance that there's a decent amount of violence perpetrated within teen

894
00:51:58,100 --> 00:52:02,540
relationships following, like following breakups or during during the relationship that leads

895
00:52:02,540 --> 00:52:04,540
to a breakup.

896
00:52:04,540 --> 00:52:09,300
This again, peer research came out with a study that came out in 35% of kids.

897
00:52:09,300 --> 00:52:10,660
Kids never talk about it.

898
00:52:10,660 --> 00:52:14,060
They never, they never reported to anybody.

899
00:52:14,060 --> 00:52:15,060
That's wow.

900
00:52:15,060 --> 00:52:16,060
Right.

901
00:52:16,060 --> 00:52:17,060
Pretty alarming.

902
00:52:17,060 --> 00:52:28,060
And, and that in their really in their relationships about that same percentage of girls have to

903
00:52:28,060 --> 00:52:33,780
remove or block someone on social media because of, of sort of, of flirting or unwanted advances

904
00:52:33,780 --> 00:52:38,900
that they, that they, that they experienced within that, within that dating relationship.

905
00:52:38,900 --> 00:52:43,820
Well, and it's amazing too, like just even thinking of, of the difference dating now

906
00:52:43,820 --> 00:52:47,020
between dating when we were in high school, right.

907
00:52:47,020 --> 00:52:48,880
It looks a hundred percent different.

908
00:52:48,880 --> 00:52:50,860
We had AOL instant messenger, right.

909
00:52:50,860 --> 00:52:51,860
But that's about it.

910
00:52:51,860 --> 00:52:57,220
Well, I don't even know that I had that during high school, but, but now like social media

911
00:52:57,220 --> 00:52:58,220
is so present.

912
00:52:58,220 --> 00:52:59,620
That's a whole nother conversation.

913
00:52:59,620 --> 00:53:00,620
Yeah.

914
00:53:00,620 --> 00:53:01,620
That's a whole nother conversation.

915
00:53:01,620 --> 00:53:05,560
But so, so again, I think just to double down the fact of why we need relationships with

916
00:53:05,560 --> 00:53:13,500
our kids in this process is that is that relationships can go bad and there is a very real possibility

917
00:53:13,500 --> 00:53:18,820
that harm can come to our kids, which by the way, that, that responsive, that, that possibility

918
00:53:18,820 --> 00:53:21,060
harm to our kids is a constant reality.

919
00:53:21,060 --> 00:53:26,700
No matter what, and we want to make sure our kids are safe, protecting them from that by

920
00:53:26,700 --> 00:53:30,020
just saying, no, you're not being any relationship whatsoever is not the answer.

921
00:53:30,020 --> 00:53:34,440
It's it's us being involved in proactive is the, is the key because I'm going to make

922
00:53:34,440 --> 00:53:37,800
sure that they're not with, I'm going to do my best to make sure they're not with people

923
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:40,380
that would perpetrate that on them.

924
00:53:40,380 --> 00:53:45,220
And also that's again, but it's a conversation with my, with my boys who I'm like, and not

925
00:53:45,220 --> 00:53:48,940
in a million years, would I think that they would ever bring harm to a, to a girl and

926
00:53:48,940 --> 00:53:55,620
they're really like, that's not, but I don't just assume that I say like, you know, if

927
00:53:55,620 --> 00:54:01,120
the relationship goes bad or the breakup happens, here's what, here's what respecting that person

928
00:54:01,120 --> 00:54:03,300
looks like even in the midst, in the midst of that.

929
00:54:03,300 --> 00:54:07,340
So again, all the more reason to have connection with our kids, these and these, cause these

930
00:54:07,340 --> 00:54:10,980
realities, these relational realities are, are a thing.

931
00:54:10,980 --> 00:54:15,620
And now with social media and the ability for a person to retaliate against someone

932
00:54:15,620 --> 00:54:22,660
if a relationship ends in really, really unhealthy sort of ways is, is also, you know, great.

933
00:54:22,660 --> 00:54:26,660
So these are the dynamics of, of teen dating.

934
00:54:26,660 --> 00:54:30,340
Now these are the things that we, as, as parents, I mean, it feels like a lot guys.

935
00:54:30,340 --> 00:54:32,980
I know parents, this is a heavy episode.

936
00:54:32,980 --> 00:54:38,740
It feels, it feels like there, there can be a lot at risk, but here's what I, here's what

937
00:54:38,740 --> 00:54:39,740
I would encourage you with.

938
00:54:39,740 --> 00:54:44,580
And I, Andy and I have both experienced this.

939
00:54:44,580 --> 00:54:51,460
If you love your kids well and you're involved in their life, and if you are borderline annoying

940
00:54:51,460 --> 00:54:55,140
in the amount of questions that you ask them and just, and following up, and that's everything

941
00:54:55,140 --> 00:55:02,460
from how was your day to day, just beginning the practice of them knowing that you're always

942
00:55:02,460 --> 00:55:04,220
going to be interested in their relationships.

943
00:55:04,220 --> 00:55:10,140
The other day, I think just say, it's like, why do you, what was it we asked?

944
00:55:10,140 --> 00:55:12,980
Oh, cause we're asking the name.

945
00:55:12,980 --> 00:55:16,700
We asked for the names of his, like, he's like, yeah, so my friends from football and

946
00:55:16,700 --> 00:55:18,180
like, well, what are their, what are their names or whatever?

947
00:55:18,180 --> 00:55:22,260
He's like, why do you always want to like, why do you always want to know his name?

948
00:55:22,260 --> 00:55:27,380
Because I do, because, because that is a way of us connecting and me showing you and understanding

949
00:55:27,380 --> 00:55:31,100
that like, I care who the people who you're around and they are the people that are investing

950
00:55:31,100 --> 00:55:32,100
in you.

951
00:55:32,100 --> 00:55:36,420
So, um, friends it's worth, it's worth the effort.

952
00:55:36,420 --> 00:55:39,380
There, there, there is so much good to be had.

953
00:55:39,380 --> 00:55:41,220
Um, I, I love it.

954
00:55:41,220 --> 00:55:45,460
I've gotten to officiate a lot of weddings over my time.

955
00:55:45,460 --> 00:55:54,420
The best ones are, uh, weddings where mom and dad have clearly just been a relational

956
00:55:54,420 --> 00:56:02,140
example and have been a support, um, uh, to their, to their, to their kids and where they're,

957
00:56:02,140 --> 00:56:06,660
they have just on top of that, they've been praying for their kids in this area of life.

958
00:56:06,660 --> 00:56:09,900
They've been demonstrating healthy relationships to their children.

959
00:56:09,900 --> 00:56:15,100
And then, um, their kids felt like mom and dad's blessing in the, in their relationship

960
00:56:15,100 --> 00:56:18,460
was a really important, really, really important thing to them.

961
00:56:18,460 --> 00:56:19,740
Those are the best.

962
00:56:19,740 --> 00:56:22,760
Those are the best weddings to be at.

963
00:56:22,760 --> 00:56:28,400
I've had a few on the other side where it's like, this kid is off the rails and they're

964
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:32,180
making this decision and it's like, well, yeah, but where, where were you?

965
00:56:32,180 --> 00:56:33,180
Where were you?

966
00:56:33,180 --> 00:56:35,740
Well, and then the, and part of it is, is like, well, you were absent in this area of

967
00:56:35,740 --> 00:56:36,900
their life, right?

968
00:56:36,900 --> 00:56:38,780
So let's just do the hard work.

969
00:56:38,780 --> 00:56:42,460
Let's have the, let's have the loving, sometimes awkward, hard conversations.

970
00:56:42,460 --> 00:56:45,640
Um, it's not a one size fits all for everybody.

971
00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:49,820
We obviously were, we're parenting all these different kids that are not a single one of

972
00:56:49,820 --> 00:56:50,820
them's like another.

973
00:56:50,820 --> 00:56:55,680
I guess that's great, but sometimes I wish it was a little more predictable, but we believe

974
00:56:55,680 --> 00:56:56,680
in you guys.

975
00:56:56,680 --> 00:56:57,680
We know you can do it.

976
00:56:57,680 --> 00:56:58,680
We're on this journey too.

977
00:56:58,680 --> 00:57:01,440
Uh, obviously we'd love to hear any feedback you guys have on this.

978
00:57:01,440 --> 00:57:06,060
So you can go to our call our voicemail five seven four two one three 87 zero two five

979
00:57:06,060 --> 00:57:11,280
seven four two one three 87 zero two, just a voicemail, but you can also call our feedback

980
00:57:11,280 --> 00:57:15,640
line or call our feedback, email our feedback line@feedback@dudesanddads.com.

981
00:57:15,640 --> 00:57:19,360
And we would love to hear from you, uh, about this subject.

982
00:57:19,360 --> 00:57:21,320
Joel, any final closing thoughts?

983
00:57:21,320 --> 00:57:25,300
Hey Andy, as always, I love talking about life and our family with you.

984
00:57:25,300 --> 00:57:26,300
So thanks man.

985
00:57:26,300 --> 00:57:27,300
I appreciate it.

986
00:57:27,300 --> 00:57:28,300
Absolutely.

987
00:57:28,300 --> 00:57:29,300
It's been, it's been good.

988
00:57:29,300 --> 00:57:34,880
Uh, guys, again, if you, if you want to help out with our goal of getting a new production

989
00:57:34,880 --> 00:57:39,400
Mac, uh, just go over to dudesanddads.com/help.

990
00:57:39,400 --> 00:57:41,080
We would appreciate that.

991
00:57:41,080 --> 00:57:46,960
Head over to dudesanddads.com for all previous shows, all the goodies we got over there.

992
00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:48,440
Merchandise as well.

993
00:57:48,440 --> 00:57:49,440
Yes.

994
00:57:49,440 --> 00:57:50,440
Christmas is coming.

995
00:57:50,440 --> 00:57:51,440
Yes.

996
00:57:51,440 --> 00:57:52,440
The hats.

997
00:57:52,440 --> 00:57:53,440
I love the hat, man.

998
00:57:53,440 --> 00:57:54,440
I have a hat.

999
00:57:54,440 --> 00:57:55,440
I don't have it on today.

1000
00:57:55,440 --> 00:57:56,440
I got, I got to get a hat.

1001
00:57:56,440 --> 00:57:58,320
So anyway, uh, thanks for joining us.

1002
00:57:58,320 --> 00:58:00,920
And as always, we wish you grace and peace.

1003
00:58:23,920 --> 00:58:24,760
(blows)