Hello there.

I'm in a stage at the moment where I have quite a few friends that are having second children.

And that really sparked this episode in me because I have been so surprised as somebody who thought when this was just, like, an idea in my head years ago, before I actually leapt into it, you know, when I was in my 20s, and you're thinking about a family and what will it look like?

And I always thought I would have two kids, always.

And then I actually had a kid and realized what it's like.

And now when somebody tells me they're having a second kid, I am shocked by the reaction.

That is kind of close to, why the hell would you do that?

And I appreciate that I am on my own, so my context is very different.

And if I had a partner, I. I can totally understand why I would do this again, because the fear for me is going back to the start.

When I think about everything that I've been through with my kid, I think, thank God I don't have to do that again.

Now, I have talked before about how progress isn't linear with parenting, and sometimes you do go back to the beginning of it, but you're not starting from scratch, scratch, scratch.

You know, you have progressed through phases, and you're kind of moving on from there.

And I like that progress.

You know, I really battled with the baby stage, but then again, I was talking to a friend who is just about to have another one, and she was saying about how, you know, her husband was really helpful overnight and blah, blah, blah.

And I thought when she was describing what he used to do at nighttime, I was like, well, I could have another one if I had somebody around that was helping me, you know, like, it would actually be so much easier, like, understandably, if there was a second pair of hands there, to the point where I can get how you could feel like, yeah, this is totally doable.

Hard, but totally doable.

But for me, the idea of going back to the beginning by myself again, oh, my God.

I see some people with babies, like, you know, they love that phase, and they seem really comfortable and confident in that phase.

And I know it was my first one, but I didn't like anything about the baby phase.

And there's no part of me that's like, I really want to go back to that beginning where I was teaching somebody to sleep and getting no rest myself.

And I'm sure I'd be better at it second time round.

But I'm really surprised at how, like, ugh, my reaction is.

You know, I definitely Love the idea of having a bigger family.

And I would love to click my fingers and have three kids, you know, 7, 9, 11, all of which love me.

Like, I've been with them since the time they were zero, but that I haven't actually had to parent since they were zero.

Like, I like the idea of it being a family when we're older, when we can go and do things and there's more flexibility, but the work that is required to get to that beautiful family.

Painting, for me, is not worth the effort.

Like, I think my life would be so difficult that it would be unenjoyable.

And I know there are women who do this by themselves all the time and have more than one.

And as a result, I think to myself, like, is there something wrong with me that I don't think that I could do this?

But it's really just about the kind of life that I think that I want.

And maybe it's less about me being scared and more about me being smart.

Because I can understand of these two paths, the path that I'm going down right now, it's going to be difficult.

It has been difficult, but it's difficult in a manageable way.

And I'm starting to get to the point where my kid is coming out of the woods, of that complete dependence.

And when I'm seeing those little glimmers of independent play and all that kind of stuff, I'm thinking, okay, there's a lightness that's coming.

There's a lightness that's coming.

And I understand why at that point you would start to think, okay, well, I think there's space for a second child.

And that's why, like, I have eggs on ice, I've got embryos on ice.

And I'll probably keep them until I'm 50, because in my head I'm like, okay, that's a good cut off for me, where at that point I'm not going to have another kid for.

But I can't imagine thinking differently at the moment.

But maybe if my mind changed in two years, I mean, am I really gonna have a child at 47?

I don't know about that.

But, you know, if my mind changed, to have the option there, I think is just worth it.

So I'm just gonna keep them on ice.

Even though in my mind now, I cannot imagine a day that I would turn around and say, I want another child.

But I just feel like this other path that I'm on now, I can see how my life could fold out in a really not simple way, but simpler way.

And I feel like if I go down the path of two kids, yes, I'll have two kids, but I will be infinitely more stressed, financially stretched, not happy.

Like, I will have the happiness of having another kid, but I just think the unhappiness that comes with overload, overwhelm, you know, financial strain, all of that stuff that I would be preparing myself for just having my daughter.

I have options still on the table.

You know, I can think about things, but if I had to, my options would be very, very limited.

And I'm just not sure how I would handle it.

And I think it's that realization that's made me feel, you know, an almost physical reaction to when people say they're having a second.

Like, I cannot believe why you would.

And I'm putting that in my scenario, right?

Like, I understand why they are.

Because they've got partners and they want to do that.

And even this friend that I was talking to the other day, I was like, oh, is this like, are you second and done?

And she's like, no, I'd have another couple.

And I'm like, oh, my gosh, people are so different, aren't they?

You know, when you hear the way somebody thinks about something and you're like, that is the total opposite of how my brain's working right now.

Like, that's unbelievable.

I can't even put myself in your shoes where I would think that.

And again, totally different set of circumstances.

They've got support and help and family support and, you know, a partner and all that kind of stuff.

And so, yeah, but I'm just really surprised at how.

No, it is.

For me, it's just a bl.

It's just a blatant no.

And I think it's not just the hardship, the finances, the time, the effort.

It's also the connection with my daughter.

I like that she gets all of my attention.

And I think because it's just me here, I don't want to divide my attention between her and somebody else.

And I feel like at the moment, especially now, that she's coming out of that dependence phase and we're having a bit more quality time together, it feels like we're actually spending time one on one.

And I feel like if I add something else, somebody else into the mix, all of a sudden my time with her is more about, like, just keeping her slightly entertained while I deal with this over here.

So it's more of a juggling act of logistics, and we're all existing in the same space.

But Are we truly connecting now?

That might seem ridiculous to some people, right?

She's a kid, she's a two year old.

But I feel like we are really connected and I feel like we have a really good, strong relationship and when we are together, we are really spending time together.

And I didn't anticipate that with a child this young.

I didn't realize that that would happen this early.

But I do really feel that with her and I don't want to let that go by having to put her over to the side to try and deal with this priority.

Because yes, it will even out once that new kid is older.

But I don't want to miss that time when I have to kind of put it to the side and I don't have another person here where I can go, okay, well, you deal with one, I'll do the with the other.

And both of these kids are being held and looked after by someone they love equally.

It's like, no, no, no, you're going to have to sit over there by yourself and play a puzzle and I might occasionally like jump in and do something, but this is my priority.

I don't really want to have that dynamic in the home because I want her to have my attention because I think she deserves it.

And so it's a mixture of all of those things.

But I think it's really surprising when you have thought to yourself in your own mind that this is what you think your family will be like eventually when you have a kid.

And to be fair that my thinking about this happened a lot earlier than the time that I actually started thinking properly about having a kid.

So different set of circumstances.

But I guess in your mind you do have a feeling about what is my life going to look like.

And I really did think I'd be the person that wanted more than one kid.

But then when you get into it, you're like, this actually will be a really difficult life that I don't think I want to lean into.

So interesting.

I mean, I might change my mind.

That's why I'm holding onto the eggs, I'm holding onto the embryos.

I'm going to see how my mind shifts and whether it shifts.

I think I'm also just really surprised to feel so disconnected to the way other people feel.

You know, like, I'm really surprised that I see all these people who it's a no brainer for them to keep their family going.

And for me I'm just not feeling that.

Like some people think would say, do you feel your Family's complete.

I don't even think about it like that.

If I said no to you, then you're like, oh, well, then you want another one.

But I don't, I'm not saying, but I don't even think about this as being a completion of my family.

My family is what it is, you know?

So, yeah, I don't know.

I'll be really interested to see how I feel in a couple of years.

I truly hope that I don't turn around and say that I want another kid because honestly, it's been exhausting enough as a 40 plus, you know, person doing the parenting thing.

I just think in another two years or three years, I'm like, oh, gone through the pregnancy and the overnights and the.

I won't be doing this.

You know, I don't want to be toilet training when I'm 50.

Like, I, Mama needs a rest.

You know, I'm a mom.

I did that.

I wanted to do that.

I'm so happy I did that.

I feel like I could have a really nice life with this kid or I could fundamentally make my life super difficult by having another one.

I mean, flash forward to egg on my face.

Even five years time, I'm sitting there rocking one kid and hanging onto the other one.

Like, imagine that.

Isn't that funny?

You just have no idea what the future's gonna bring.

But right now it's bringing me and Olivia, just having a great life together and enjoying ourselves.

So let's see how that plays out in reality.

If you are a solo mum who's got more than one kid and no help, good on you.

I'm very impressed by you.

I think that's an amazing thing.

I think the fact that you can get your mind to that place and you can do it, just unbelievable.

I have no idea how to do it and I think I'm pretty good at, like, doing hard stuff, but that is just a hard thing that I just don't think I'd be capable of doing.

So my love and high fives go out to you.

Thank you so much for listening.

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