E118 - (PA) You've Broken Up… So Why Is He Still Consuming Your Thoughts? (Healing From Narcissistic Relationship)

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[00:00:00] By the end of today's episode, you will understand exactly why your ex still consumes your thoughts and how you can find freedom from your preoccupation with him.

Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Hello and welcome back to the podcast. If you have physically walked away from a narcissistic relationship, but you still feel like you are mentally living inside of it. This episode is for you because girl, I understand that like replaying of conversations, the craving of the closure or the apology, the wanting to check on his life from a distance

and really feeling fucking angry that he is looking fine and you are inside unraveling. I know that you've tried to [00:01:00] move on. You are here, you're trying the podcast, you've probably tried therapy, you've probably tried distractions, and nothing seems to be loosening the grips of how it feels like he still is inside your mind dictating every thought.

So we're gonna talk about why that's happening and how you can actually start to reclaim some control of yourself and your thoughts and your life. So by listening to this episode, it's really my intention for you to find some relief from the shame that you're feeling about the preoccupation. By understanding what's really going on that's driving that obsession.

I also really want you to walk away from this episode with a grounded reframe that breaks the belief that closure or justice, or one last explanation will set you free. And I'm gonna give you some insight on how you can find peace and freedom without his awareness or apology.

so It's gonna be good. And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode where I'll pull an Oracle card that will give you something that you can sit with in [00:02:00] your healing this week. ​

One of the very shitty parts about healing from these types of relationships is. You leave the relationship because in the relationship, you feel all consumed by him, by this narcissistic partner.

And when you leave, you think you're gonna find that immediate freedom from all of that preoccupation and that rumination, and nobody prepares you for like that, not ending immediately.

So I know likely if you have just left and you are finding yourself, like really starting to see the manipulation, you're starting to understand all of these little moments where he didn't just not show up for you, but he intentionally tried to harm you or isolate you or gaslight you.

You're seeing all of these things with very clear vision now

and as that clarity comes, oftentimes we want to explain it to them. We want to go to them and say, you, do you [00:03:00] understand how like evil you are acting towards me? Do you understand the cruelty, the harm? Were you doing this intentionally? Did you ever love me? Right? We have all like this drive to, to get the explanation, the validation, the apology, the justice.

So you might be like writing and rewriting one text that you wanna send to him, or you might be actually texting him all of these things and getting into conversations back and forth that aren't feeling good for you.

Or you might be checking his social media accidentally and unraveling when you're watching him move through his life like nothing happened. Or maybe starting a new relationship with a new woman like nothing happened.

So you're so preoccupied. He's still taking up so much space in your brain. I was just talking to a client about this the other day where she was like, I feel like I eat, sleep and breathe him. I'm not in the relationship anymore, but I'm still eating, sleeping, and breathing this person, and I hate how much control he still has [00:04:00] over over my mind and my emotions.

So you're not alone in this struggle. I've been there, my clients have been there,

and I know you're trying your damnest to let go of him. I know literally physically separating was a really big, big move for you and I'm so proud of you for taking that courageous step. So we're gonna talk about how

to get him out of your mind because that emotional exhaustion is really, really catching up to you, and you might even be losing like the ability to be present with people because you're so focused on him and needing this thing from him in order to find the closure, to move on, in order to know that he understands how badly he hurt you.

And if you're feeling weak because you're in this place where you're still feeling really controlled by him, or you're still feeling shame because you're thinking about him so much, I see you and I know that it, it feels really icky to have somebody still dictating your behavior, when you're actively trying to leave them.

I have another client who actually decided to do [00:05:00] my becoming program because she was at the point where she was trying to tend to her kids. She was trying to feed them dinner or give them a bath, and she was not even present. Like she would go through the motions and take care of the kids and be thinking about him the whole time, and she's like, I just feel like a terrible mother.

I cannot let him make me feel like a terrible mother. So that was like such an important drive for her to be able to get him out of her head so that she could focus on the people who need her so she could focus on her little girls.

It can be frustrating to feel this right, to feel like how much time you're putting into him still, but I wanna actually break this down into a tangible thing for you

so you can actually see what's happening when he's spending so much time in your brain. So if you think about like a typical day, let's say that you wake up and you're brushing your teeth and you start replaying a fight from last month, and you're making your breakfast.

You sit down and you open Instagram and you start [00:06:00] checking his socials, feeling bubbling, rage and anxiety. Just start to pour over you watching him have these awesome experiences in life, or move on with another woman.

And then because you're feeling such rage and injustice, you start drafting a text and you're sitting there over breakfast writing and rewriting this message that maybe you send and maybe you don't,

but you really want him to know how fucked up he is and then you go to work. And when you get to work, of course somebody asks you how you are, how your day is, how your weekend was, and you start this soliloquy about how fucked up what you're going through is how much you can't stop thinking about him, how he's moved on, how you can't believe this, right?

You just start going down the rabbit hole of talking about him.

He is consuming all these conversations with your colleagues, and it's all based in drama. It's heightening your nervous system. It's getting you amped up. It's really fueling that rage, that anxiety, that desire to make him see it, to make him understand,

And then you come home [00:07:00] after a day at work where you're trying to split your attention to get your shit done at work, while also like trying to figure this thing out. Running in a tab in the background, you come home exhausted, you make dinner, you sit down, and then you start the YouTube rabbit hole.

Diving around narcissism and what it is and how can they be so cruel and how can I get him to see it, and how do I heal from this?

And then maybe you pull yourself out of that rabbit hole, but you sit down to try to watch a TV show and you start binge watching something. But while you're watching, you pick up your phone and you start doom scrolling again.

Until all of a sudden it's midnight or 1:00 AM and let's say you manage to fall asleep for six hours, 'cause you have to wake up at 6:00 AM and. Start that process all over again. So if we're, if we're breaking this down mathematically, if you're sleeping for six hours, that leaves 18 hours a day, that you are in some capacity thinking about him or having your attention split on something you're trying to do, but also on him.

And let's say that you've been [00:08:00] doing this for four months, you've been in this rumination, overthinking place for four months. That is give or take, 2100 hours that he's been on your mind. That is the equivalent. When we break that into days, that's 90 days.

90 days of the last 120, right? If we're thinking about a four month chunk, 90 days of the last 120 days. He has been consuming you, consuming your mind, consuming your life, taking you away from, from your free time, from relaxation, from work, from friends, from family, from your fucking sanity.

And now if you think about this, if this continues for another four months, another six months, another year.

Woof. That is, that is a huge cost.

I am so protective of you and your time, and your energy and your sanity. I don't want you to still be [00:09:00] giving your energy to somebody who has taken so much from you. I want you to find that relief, that freedom. And I know that you are feeling mistreated from what happened. I know that you want the closure. I know that part of you thinks if I just write this text message and explain it perfectly, he will then understand his bullshit. He will then finally be able to say, oh God, I'm such an idiot.

I'm, I was so cruel to you. I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me? Even if you don't want him back, you, you want him to be able to say that. You want the accountability. You want him to not get away with it. But what I wanna tell you in such a lovingly truthful way, from knowing from my own experience and all of the clients that I've worked with

Is you're looking for something from somebody who is actually incapable of providing it. It would be similar to asking a blind person. To be able to see across the street and tell you what color the sign is. [00:10:00] They are incapable of doing that.

Narcissistic people are incapable of feeling genuine empathy and taking accountability and giving apologies that are actually meaningful. They are incapable.

You re-explaining is, is not going to make him a different person. He understood you the first time. Confusion was the strategy, not the problem.

So I want to invite you to start to shift where you're putting your energy. This isn't about what you need to keep doing in order to get him to see how he needs to change himself. This is about what you need to do in order to change yourself.

So taking all the energy that you're putting externally onto him and redirecting that back into yourself so that you have the reserves to actually process and heal. We really get stuck in the wise of it all and in the justice of it all, and I understand that so, so, so deeply, which is why I really [00:11:00] intentionally support my clients in four specific ways to help them actually detach and feel like they have control of themselves again. And I wanna share these four ways with you so that you can understand how this is possible. The first way that we are helping to detach is by tending to the nervous system. So. Gently calming the body from that constant stress and anxiety and hyper vigilance so that you can come out of what feels like a survival mode and start to tune back into yourself, to trust yourself, to feel like yourself again. The second way that we are detaching is by understanding your patterns, not by understanding him.

Understanding the deeper beliefs and the reasons why you get sucked into these same relationship cycles and what is in your control to change so that you can experience something different. The third way that we're helping to detach is by actually processing the pain.

So not understanding the pain, not trying to get him to understand the pain it's safely feeling and releasing [00:12:00] big, overwhelming emotions that feel scary.

And beginning to integrate that past trauma so that you're no longer stuck in the rumination or the rage or the anxiety or the sadness. You've actually been with all of those emotions, allowed them, process them safely, move them through your body so that you're not suppressing them and compartmentalizing them for them to like blow up on you later

when you can actually process the pain that gives you such incredible freedom from the grip that you feel like he still has on your life. And then the fourth way that we're helping to detach is, is actually shifting.

Taking everything that you've learned and actualizing it. Putting it into practice, giving you the skills and the tools to be able to do something different in real time with real support so that you can start to really catch yourself when you're going down those patterns again,

so that you can move from that place of self-trust and confidence in your life

clients that I've [00:13:00] taken through those four steps in the ways that we work together in my program, gives them that peace without the apology. It gives them that freedom without the last conversation, without needing anything from him anymore.

If you've been trying and it hasn't been working, you might just need a new approach.

What could it be worth to you to try a new approach and reclaim those 90 days of the next four months?

That is what I'm here to do. I'm here to help you out of that stuckness, to reclaim your time, your life to be able to finally rid yourself of him and his energy and all of the residual feelings that are occurring because of the traumatic experience that you went through in the relationship.

So if you are tired of carrying him in your mind and your body and you want that freedom, I invite you to schedule a free intro session with the link in the show notes. This is a time where you and I will connect. I will get to understand what's happening, where you [00:14:00] wanna go, and really give you that solid plan for how I can help get you there.

I want you to feel like yourself again. The world needs you to feel like yourself again. If this feels like a yes, but I'm a little bit afraid, schedule the intro session. Because a part of you really wants this freedom.

And I want it for you too. Okay, love. Before we end, let me pull the Oracle card here. What is the message that wants to come through for you today? And it is Body Vision. Let me find Body Vision in the book and I'll read to you what it says. Body Vision calls you to be fully present in the moment to experience life with all five of your senses.

Imagine the information you could collect if in every interaction you had, you consciously sensed into your vision, skin, hearing, eyesight, and even the taste of a moment, your full body is always working for you to enrich the experiences of your life. Body vision is a vibe. It meant to encourage you to slow down, get present, and soak up the [00:15:00] riches of the moment.

Body vision is the antenna that tunes you into the unspoken, unseen, unheard unm, smelled and un tastes live presently in your whole self. You're receiving this message because you have gone unconscious in some area of your life. Embodied vision is like a finger poking you to wake up, get your senses online, tune in, tune in, tune in.

No more living life unconscious. No more of that intentional actions from a place of processed healing. That's what I want for you, the link to the intro session is in the show notes. Please do yourself a favor and schedule that time with me. And until I see you in that session or in the next episode, please remember that you are not alone.