Heather Hester

Welcome to Just Breathe.

Heather Hester

I am so happy you are here today.

Heather Hester

Today's topic is one that is definitely more serious, one that is vitally, vitally important, especially for those of us with LGBTQ+KIDS.

Heather Hester

Today, we are going to be talking about suicide prevention.

Heather Hester

September is National Suicide Prevention Month, and I know we've talked a lot about numbers and statistics and facts and real life stories.

Heather Hester

According to the Trevor Project, 41% of LGBTQ young people considered suicide just in the past year.

Heather Hester

And we know that that number has gone up from the 2022 national survey that they did.

Heather Hester

We know, we understand why the numbers are the way that they are.

Heather Hester

And I think that this is a really vitally important distinction to make and to make sure that everybody really, really understands that LGBTQ youth are not prone to suicide risk because of their sexual orientation or their gender identity.

Heather Hester

They are prone to greater suicide risk, greater suicide ideation, greater self harm, greater mental health struggles because of the ways that they are misunderstood, mistreated, and the negative messaging that they receive and have received perhaps their entire lives.

Heather Hester

So this is a topic that is very near and dear to me.

Heather Hester

I think it is something that is so important that we talk about, that we learn about, that we learn how to talk about with our kids.

Heather Hester

And that is exactly what today's guest is going to help us do.

Heather Hester

I am absolutely, so delighted to have Anne Moss Rogers on the show today.

Heather Hester

She is a mental health and suicide education expert, a professional speaker, trainer and consultant.

Heather Hester

She talks about this subject because after her 20 year old son Charles died by suicide in 2015, she chronicled her family's tragedy and a local newspaper article and that went viral and her blog.

Heather Hester

Her subsequent blog, which is called Emotionally Naked, has reached millions of people.

Heather Hester

She is the author of an award winning memoir called Diary of a Broken Mind and the bestseller Emotionally Naked, A Teacher's Guide to Preventing suicide and Recognizing students at Risk.

Heather Hester

With her co writer, Dr.

Heather Hester

Kimberly O'Brien, she has been a TEDx speaker, was featured in the New York Times Variety magazine, and was the first non clinician invited to speak on youth suicide at the National Institute of Mental Health.

Heather Hester

So without further ado, I am so, so happy to bring you my conversation with Ann Moss.

Heather Hester

Welcome to Just Breathe Parenting, your LGBTQ team, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child.

Heather Hester

My name is Heather Hester and I am so grateful you are here.

Heather Hester

I want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest.

Heather Hester

Whether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey.

Heather Hester

I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop, having a cozy chat.

Heather Hester

Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.

Heather Hester

Ann Moss, I am so happy that you are here with us today and I'm really looking forward to having this very, very important conversation and really learning from you because you have a not only incredible life experience, but you have really thrown yourself into learning all you possibly can and then educating others on that.

Heather Hester

So I am grateful that you've taken time out of your schedule and are here to share with us today.

Heather Hester

Thank you so much.

Anne Moss Rogers

Well, thank you for having the guts to have not only one, but several podcasts on suicide prevention, particularly for this group, which is so vital to saving lives.

Heather Hester

Oh my goodness, yes.

Heather Hester

The more and more that we learn, the more and more we realize that is the case and unfortunately right now, particularly the case.

Heather Hester

So this work is so, so very important in conversation, is very important.

Heather Hester

I'd like to kind of start maybe not so much at the beginning, but just a little background on who you are and why you are doing what you are doing in the world.

Anne Moss Rogers

So I started out my professional career in advertising and marketing and as I raised my children, I was freelancing as a copywriter, basically doing advertising and marketing and digital marketing starting in 1995.

Anne Moss Rogers

That early.

Anne Moss Rogers

And then I owned a digital marketing firm and my son was struggling as I was owning this firm and I was trying to juggle my professional life with, you know, what was going on in my family.

Anne Moss Rogers

So he started in middle school.

Anne Moss Rogers

I just got the feeling, talking to his fifth grade teacher, that we need to do private middle school.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I'm really glad we did that.

Anne Moss Rogers

Once we got to high school, there weren't as many choices because he had a sleep disorder.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I would have preferred to do a small private school, but all of them started at like 7:30.

Anne Moss Rogers

And for a child with a sleep disorder, that wasn't good because most of the ones were at least 30 minutes away.

Anne Moss Rogers

So I'd have to get him up even earlier.

Anne Moss Rogers

Yes, the public school was the only place who would accommodate his schedule where he could come in later so that he could get more sleep.

Anne Moss Rogers

And so that's what we went with.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I don't think it was the best choice for Charles, but I'm not sure what other choices we had at the time.

Anne Moss Rogers

So around his sophomore year, he gets chosen to be on homecoming court because he's the funniest, most popular kid in school.

Anne Moss Rogers

This is pretty rare for a sophomore.

Heather Hester

Yeah.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I remember what a great day that was because my older son was also chosen to be on the court, and he actually won.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I remember they got this picture of me being totally shocked because my older child, strong introvert, but he'd really kind of come out that year.

Anne Moss Rogers

And in turn, and when I say come out, he'd come out of his shell because he was an introvert.

Anne Moss Rogers

And my younger son Charles, you know, just laughed across the field, he's being escorted by his favorite teacher.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I know people looking down on that field that day at my family thought, wow, you know, they really got it made.

Anne Moss Rogers

And what they didn't know is how much we were struggling with my younger son's mental health and how much we were struggling with his substance mis use, which had really started to escalate and really, really escalated after that proud mama moment, as I like to say.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I didn't know why he was doing drugs and alcohol.

Anne Moss Rogers

And later, from reading his rap music, I would find out it was because he was numbing thoughts of suicide.

Anne Moss Rogers

And to him, he thought, well, isn't it a lot better that I'm doing drugs and alcohol instead of killing myself?

Anne Moss Rogers

You know, he's a teenager.

Anne Moss Rogers

He's not looking ahead to see the problems that could lead to.

Anne Moss Rogers

He's just thinking in the moment.

Anne Moss Rogers

And what happens when they do that is they, you know, are robbed of the ability to develop healthy coping strategies.

Anne Moss Rogers

He ends up being, you know, we're going to see a counselor because I don't know what to do, and I don't know what's what.

Anne Moss Rogers

I don't know what he's struggling with.

Anne Moss Rogers

And nobody offers to do a psychological evaluation.

Anne Moss Rogers

We're not getting a lot of help from the school.

Anne Moss Rogers

I mean, I had some advocates, but not as many as I really needed.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I'm sure members of your audience will certainly understand that he ends up.

Anne Moss Rogers

The counselor ends up recommended that we kidnap our son out of his bed and have him sent to wilderness program.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I know you've been there, right?

Heather Hester

Yes.

Anne Moss Rogers

And then from there, we did get a psychological evaluation.

Anne Moss Rogers

And so that was the good part.

Anne Moss Rogers

And he was diagnosed with major depression for the first time, which I found shocking.

Anne Moss Rogers

You know, he's funniest, most popular kid in school.

Anne Moss Rogers

He seemed to relish in love life and a constant revolving door of friends.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it was really hard to Understand?

Anne Moss Rogers

But I accepted it.

Anne Moss Rogers

And then he was diagnosed with adhd, combined type anxiety, and cannabis dependence because he had started using marijuana to be able to sleep.

Anne Moss Rogers

And he, you know, said it was natural and blah, blah, blah.

Anne Moss Rogers

But I want everyone to know that marijuana is not harmless.

Anne Moss Rogers

It triggers psychosis and schizophrenia.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it definitely.

Anne Moss Rogers

It.

Anne Moss Rogers

It wasn't trolls with destination drug.

Anne Moss Rogers

He would end up becoming addicted to heroin eventually, but he didn't end up becoming addicted to it until he went to therapy, boarding school, and it wasn't until he returned in 2014, which was kind of the height of the heroin epidemic, and he kind of got caught up in that.

Anne Moss Rogers

And he would eventually confess.

Anne Moss Rogers

He would do all the things, the detox, the rehab, and he would go to a recovery house, and he would relapse within 24 hours.

Anne Moss Rogers

It was their protocol to take him back to detox.

Anne Moss Rogers

All he had to do was three days and he could come back to the recovery house.

Anne Moss Rogers

But he saw a friend there, and they walked out together.

Anne Moss Rogers

And for two weeks, I don't know where he is.

Anne Moss Rogers

Is he under a bridge?

Anne Moss Rogers

Is he, you know, staying with friends?

Anne Moss Rogers

And we get the occasional text, but not much other communication than that.

Anne Moss Rogers

Here's the thing.

Anne Moss Rogers

I also didn't call him a lie.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I still kind of wonder why I didn't.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I think it was fear or, you know, I need to do this tough love parenting thing, which is a bunch of bs, I'm going to tell you that right now.

Anne Moss Rogers

I wish I'd called him every day and said, as much as I want you to get well, I love you, even if you don't.

Anne Moss Rogers

But.

Anne Moss Rogers

But I didn't do that.

Anne Moss Rogers

I did tell him I loved him, and I did text him, and I got a last phone call that I didn't know was my last phone call.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it was on June 5, 2015, when my husband and I are sitting in the back of a police car in a parking lot.

Anne Moss Rogers

They had called us to say, we want to meet with you.

Anne Moss Rogers

And they delivered the worst news of our lives and told us our son had been found dead.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I remember thinking, it's got to be overdose, right?

Anne Moss Rogers

I mean, he'd been addicted to heroin.

Anne Moss Rogers

And when my husband said, how did he die?

Anne Moss Rogers

And the policeman said it was a suicide, I couldn't even breathe.

Anne Moss Rogers

I mean, my husband is having this explosion in the front seat, and I'm just.

Anne Moss Rogers

I've forgotten how to breathe.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it was like this extra twist of the knife, and it was like, doesn't he know we love him?

Anne Moss Rogers

I just didn't understand why suicide.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it would just be a really long time before I would.

Anne Moss Rogers

I was.

Anne Moss Rogers

That intent piece makes the grief process so much harder.

Anne Moss Rogers

And you feel like, how did I miss pain and hurt so monumental.

Anne Moss Rogers

And, you know, I really.

Anne Moss Rogers

I beat myself up for years over that.

Anne Moss Rogers

But then I sold my digital marketing business and I started doing this full time because I wasn't finding the reward in the other things I was doing, and I was finding healing by putting my grief into action.

Anne Moss Rogers

So that's why I do what I do today.

Heather Hester

I just need to take a moment, and I want everybody to take a moment because that.

Heather Hester

And I want to honor.

Anne Moss Rogers

Who'S my baby.

Heather Hester

The worst imaginable thing.

Anne Moss Rogers

And, I mean, I thought I took all those steps.

Anne Moss Rogers

I thought, this is going to insulate me.

Anne Moss Rogers

And not only did it blow up in my face, it blew up in the absolute ugliest way possible.

Anne Moss Rogers

I mean, I couldn't even imagine a scenario so awful and a journey to healing so absolutely and utterly painful is that once.

Heather Hester

I just.

Heather Hester

I cannot even begin to imagine.

Anne Moss Rogers

And.

Heather Hester

I am just so deeply sorry.

Heather Hester

I know that there are so many of us who, in different ways, can empathize with different pieces of your story, for sure.

Heather Hester

And every parent.

Anne Moss Rogers

Right, Right.

Heather Hester

Every single parent.

Heather Hester

It is the worst, worst imaginable thing.

Heather Hester

And.

Anne Moss Rogers

But I'm here today because I know that Youth who are LGBTQ + are at higher risk.

Heather Hester

Yes.

Anne Moss Rogers

I do not want anyone to go through what I've been through, but we need to put in place and we need to be more.

Anne Moss Rogers

We need to be more aware with this group, because that connection and belonging and lack of acceptance, no matter how accepting you are in the family, the rest of the world isn't always complying with that.

Heather Hester

Correct?

Heather Hester

Correct.

Heather Hester

So what are.

Heather Hester

There's a lot of different questions here and a lot of different pieces to this that I want to make sure that we talk about.

Anne Moss Rogers

First.

Heather Hester

I like that you just now touched on or began to say, I think where you were going, which is the fact that, yes, our LGBTQ plus kids are more at risk.

Heather Hester

They are not at risk because they are LGBTQ plus.

Heather Hester

They are at risk because of what's coming at them externally, the messaging that they've fed all of these years.

Heather Hester

So before.

Heather Hester

And we talk about this a lot here, like, before they even come out, they already have all of this messaging spinning in their heads.

Anne Moss Rogers

Sure.

Heather Hester

So what can we do?

Heather Hester

What is.

Heather Hester

What are some of the steps or what are the steps that you kind of like to share about how to recognize this, what words, what should we say to our kids?

Heather Hester

What kind of conversations should we be having?

Heather Hester

How can we as parents be more vulnerable or share, you know, share different things?

Heather Hester

And I heard that, you know, at several points in your story that, and I think that's something that, you know, it often does take some kind of crisis for us to learn that being vulnerable and sharing what we're thinking, what we're feeling with our kids is so vitally important, more important than we will ever know.

Heather Hester

So kind of going back, what are the steps that you would say?

Heather Hester

Like this is what to look for, this is what you need to do.

Anne Moss Rogers

So I think we look for kids who are isolating more.

Anne Moss Rogers

Especially it's natural for them to kind of pull away from you, their parent at this age, and to align more with their peers.

Anne Moss Rogers

But when they're pulling away from you and their peers and they're isolating alone in a room, that's a red flag.

Anne Moss Rogers

Self deprecating remarks.

Anne Moss Rogers

Nobody likes me.

Anne Moss Rogers

Everyone hates me.

Anne Moss Rogers

I'm so stupid.

Anne Moss Rogers

We need to start to ask more questions.

Anne Moss Rogers

Say, what makes you say that?

Anne Moss Rogers

I'd love to know.

Anne Moss Rogers

And remember, when you ask questions, to ask with curiosity, not shame, not I'm going to teach you a lesson or I'm going to set you straight.

Anne Moss Rogers

You're listening and you want that person to feel heard.

Anne Moss Rogers

Which means not offering solutions, but just asking more questions.

Anne Moss Rogers

So what we're going to look for is we're going to look for kids who are absent a lot.

Anne Moss Rogers

Maybe they're going to the school nurse a lot.

Anne Moss Rogers

Charles did that.

Anne Moss Rogers

So they have backaches, headaches, they catch more stuff, they go to the doctor more, they go to the ER more.

Anne Moss Rogers

Those kids are often at risk.

Anne Moss Rogers

So if you know your school nurse by first name, it can be likely that your child might be at higher risk of suicide.

Anne Moss Rogers

But it's not the only thing.

Anne Moss Rogers

It's kind of the combination of a bunch of risk factors that kind of come together all at once.

Anne Moss Rogers

Are they falling asleep a lot in class?

Anne Moss Rogers

That means they might be having trouble falling asleep at night, behaving recklessly and taking chances.

Anne Moss Rogers

You know, you've talked about drugs and alcohol and they're popping every pill they can find because they don't care if they're going to die.

Anne Moss Rogers

I think we really need to look out for those things.

Anne Moss Rogers

And what they say, I'm so worthless.

Anne Moss Rogers

I'm such a burden.

Anne Moss Rogers

I can't do this anymore.

Anne Moss Rogers

Now a lot of people think suicide is selfish.

Anne Moss Rogers

It's not.

Anne Moss Rogers

It is really about feeling despair and feeling like you're so worthless if you were gone, no one would care.

Anne Moss Rogers

But I want everyone here to know that that continuum, or the time they're in a suicidal episode is a limited amount of time.

Anne Moss Rogers

And 20 minutes is about average.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it goes kind of like up and down.

Anne Moss Rogers

And at no time is anyone 100% committed to the idea of dying by suicide.

Anne Moss Rogers

So they're always ambivalent on some level.

Anne Moss Rogers

And the really, really intense feelings of, I want to die, and I want to die now to stop this pain, those last 60 to 90 seconds, within that 20 minute or so, continuing.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it can be shorter and it can be longer, but that's just an example, okay?

Anne Moss Rogers

And so I want people to know they come out of it.

Anne Moss Rogers

So let's say they've taken some over the counter medication and they are at risk, by the way, taking too much Tylenol or whatever they took.

Anne Moss Rogers

They may come tell you, and you're wondering, well, if they were trying to kill themselves, why are they telling me now?

Anne Moss Rogers

That's because they've come out of that suicidal process and they're like, I don't want to die anymore.

Anne Moss Rogers

In that moment, they did.

Anne Moss Rogers

And then that changes, right?

Anne Moss Rogers

So that's the sort of basic overview.

Anne Moss Rogers

And if you've been hearing your child say any of this, it's time to say, you know, I was listening to this podcast episode today, and the woman was talking about her son who died.

Anne Moss Rogers

And if a child says these phrases, then we need to ask the question, are you thinking of suicide?

Anne Moss Rogers

Because if you want to know if someone is thinking suicide, you have to ask directly.

Anne Moss Rogers

What you will typically see on someone's face is relief because they've been wanting to tell you.

Anne Moss Rogers

And that's what people don't understand, is that kids who struggle with thoughts of suicide want desperately to tell you.

Anne Moss Rogers

They find me online and I've had conversations with people with kids for two years, and they'll sometimes they get around to telling somebody within two days, and sometimes it takes them two years, right?

Anne Moss Rogers

But they really want to tell, and they struggle with telling you because they worry about how you'll accept it and how you'll react.

Anne Moss Rogers

First thing, do not panic.

Anne Moss Rogers

Whatever you have to do, whatever you have to pull from, you've been these parents, you guys, you've been through a lot.

Anne Moss Rogers

You know better than to panic.

Anne Moss Rogers

Take that deep breath, right?

Anne Moss Rogers

And just start asking questions.

Anne Moss Rogers

How long have you felt this way?

Anne Moss Rogers

Tell me more about how you feel, if any.

Anne Moss Rogers

I think it's really important Maybe not at this sitting, you know, if you're actually, your child's in suicidal ideation, but later on you want, you want to have the conversation of being more vulnerable, you know, being more vulnerable yourself and sharing with them what your fears are for them.

Anne Moss Rogers

You know, when, when you told me that, all I could think about was how much I miss you and how much I love you.

Anne Moss Rogers

But at that moment I needed to be there for you.

Anne Moss Rogers

I'm not handling this well right now.

Anne Moss Rogers

I'm kind of freaking out and wanting to text you and call you constantly and that's not going to help either one of us.

Anne Moss Rogers

So I'm joining the support group or discussion group so I can get support and not do that because it's not effective.

Anne Moss Rogers

And then you can come up, ask them, well, I want to ask you every day, are you thinking of suicide?

Anne Moss Rogers

But if we could come up with a code phrase, you know, my toenails are blue, you know, whatever you want.

Anne Moss Rogers

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

And give them that agency to come up with the funny phrase.

Anne Moss Rogers

You know, you're not going to want me to ask that every day, but we need to agree that this, that's what this phrase means.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it's just a way of us to communicate and for you to bring down my anxiety about this, which I'm asking your help.

Anne Moss Rogers

So when you do that, you're saying you're important to me.

Anne Moss Rogers

I need your help for my anxiety.

Anne Moss Rogers

And just your presence and your thoughtfulness or your random hugs will help make that happen.

Anne Moss Rogers

So you're making them a part of that process.

Heather Hester

I, that's great.

Heather Hester

I really, really love that.

Heather Hester

So many different pieces there that are so actionable and so easy to do because I think when we think, when we think about this it seems very.

Heather Hester

Just big and it does.

Anne Moss Rogers

And scary and you.

Anne Moss Rogers

And you think, I can't fix this.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I want all your listeners to know you cannot, you cannot fix this for them.

Anne Moss Rogers

You can be there to support them, you can be there to love them, but it's okay not to have all the answers.

Anne Moss Rogers

It's okay to say, I don't even know what to do yet.

Anne Moss Rogers

Let's text 741741 or the Trevor text line.

Anne Moss Rogers

Let's do that together.

Anne Moss Rogers

Or call the Trevor hotline together and let's see what they suggest for next steps.

Anne Moss Rogers

As parents, we often want to come out is knowing it all and I think we need to reveal our vulnerability that we don't.

Anne Moss Rogers

But we're willing to learn along with them, right?

Heather Hester

Absolutely.

Heather Hester

Well, and I think that when they realize, you know, that helps them realize our humanity.

Heather Hester

Right.

Heather Hester

We're not on that pedestal of the parent.

Heather Hester

Right.

Heather Hester

All of a sudden that brings us down to like, oh, they're human too.

Heather Hester

And oh, they're, they're feeling this.

Heather Hester

Right.

Heather Hester

Like their feelings are similar to my feelings and I can communicate with them, which I is.

Heather Hester

I think such is a, it is a game changer in as far as relationship with your child, specifically your teenager.

Heather Hester

I do love that you brought up the Trevor project and any of these hotlines which will all be in the show notes for you all.

Heather Hester

But again, I think that is such a great initial go to because I think there is that moment where you're sitting in this and the two of you are communicating and you're thinking it is such a natural thing for a parent to be like, I just want to fix.

Heather Hester

Right.

Heather Hester

And I want to help and I want to do.

Heather Hester

And, and this is something that you can do and offer to do it with your child.

Heather Hester

Which I love that you said that too, because that takes kind of that I'm alone piece and it's scary.

Heather Hester

Right, Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

And you're so, you're showing partnership.

Heather Hester

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

You know, I'm let, let's figure this out.

Anne Moss Rogers

Plus you're giving them agency.

Heather Hester

Yep.

Anne Moss Rogers

Which is so important for their future mental health.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I want to also add, there's the trans lifeline too.

Heather Hester

Yes.

Anne Moss Rogers

So if you've got a trans child, you definitely want to read because they're the people who understand.

Heather Hester

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

And you're going to get somebody on the line who's been through this and they understand this and that's what you really need.

Heather Hester

Absolutely, absolutely.

Heather Hester

And they're, they are going to be able to not only listen in the best way, but share the most helpful information they are and direct you where perhaps you need to go next or.

Anne Moss Rogers

You know what, the friendly, friendly resources.

Heather Hester

Exactly, exactly.

Heather Hester

I'm curious your thoughts on this.

Heather Hester

A while back I spoke with someone who also works in, in this similar field who suggested that when we have these conversations with our child and we really talk about whether it's suicidal ideation or when they are in that moment.

Heather Hester

Right.

Heather Hester

And thank you for breaking that down so clearly that if you ask the question, why would you want to stay here?

Heather Hester

Why do.

Heather Hester

Why do you want to stay here?

Heather Hester

And have them start naming reasons that they want to stay here, that, that does something in the brain and I'm curious your thoughts on that.

Anne Moss Rogers

So at the point where they're in ideation, they're so fixated with their tunnel vision.

Anne Moss Rogers

You can ask that.

Anne Moss Rogers

It's okay to ask that.

Anne Moss Rogers

But understand that they may not be able to formulate an answer, and most likely it's going to be, I'm worthless.

Anne Moss Rogers

There are no reasons to stay here because emotionally, they don't have the capacity to wrap their heads around that.

Heather Hester

Sure.

Anne Moss Rogers

However, most of the time, we are not in suicidal ideation.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I do something with teenagers and college kids on an index card.

Anne Moss Rogers

What are your reasons for living?

Anne Moss Rogers

And they write it down in their own handwriting.

Anne Moss Rogers

And this has.

Anne Moss Rogers

It's called the crisis response plan.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it's Dr.

Anne Moss Rogers

Craig Bryant.

Anne Moss Rogers

He gets credit for this.

Anne Moss Rogers

And the numbers and success rates are incredible.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I think everyone should have this index card.

Heather Hester

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

What is so crucial about it is what are the things that make that make life worth living?

Anne Moss Rogers

And what along with things like family, my dog, my YouTube channel, and my fan.

Anne Moss Rogers

You know, it might be my football, might be my dog, but you also want them to also think of a past memory to also.

Anne Moss Rogers

And just a couple of clues on that card to sort of trigger that memory to mine.

Anne Moss Rogers

I've got on my card Vienna, because I had dinner one night in a castle, Indiana, and I was invited to this dinner, and it was through my husband's business.

Anne Moss Rogers

We had no idea what.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it was so lavish.

Anne Moss Rogers

It was so fabulous.

Anne Moss Rogers

We were sitting in this table, and I've never laughed so hard my whole night.

Anne Moss Rogers

And everybody kept coming up to our table, including the royalty, because we were laughing so hard.

Anne Moss Rogers

And we clearly just had the magic that night.

Heather Hester

Oh, my gosh.

Anne Moss Rogers

And so that's all I have to remember.

Anne Moss Rogers

And then I'm back in a happy place.

Anne Moss Rogers

So writing down little things that trigger a memory, one dad had put on his card.

Anne Moss Rogers

Remember how good Angela was during my cancer treatment?

Anne Moss Rogers

And how his daughter had nursed him the whole time through his cancer treatment and gotten him newspapers and read him stories, and now he's feeling suicidal, and that was his way of kind of resetting his own brain.

Anne Moss Rogers

If you ask them to take out that card when they are suicidal, it reminds them of those things they wrote down themselves.

Anne Moss Rogers

And that is a more effective strategy because for them to come up with those reasons in ideation is pretty rare.

Heather Hester

Right.

Heather Hester

That makes sense.

Heather Hester

Just because you're in that crisis.

Heather Hester

Fight or flight, right?

Heather Hester

Yep.

Anne Moss Rogers

So I want to finish the rest of what goes on that card.

Anne Moss Rogers

So you've got your reasons for living, and then you have people that you reach out to, and those are your trusted adults.

Anne Moss Rogers

So maybe it is your school counselor because she's been super supportive.

Anne Moss Rogers

But not just your parents, other trusted adults.

Anne Moss Rogers

You want to write down the crisis lines you'd reach out to with this, you know, group.

Anne Moss Rogers

It would be some of those Trevor project.

Heather Hester

Yeah.

Anne Moss Rogers

Lifelines.

Heather Hester

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

Maybe you put down a warm line.

Anne Moss Rogers

Almost every state has a warm line.

Anne Moss Rogers

And when you're struggling, that's a good place to call.

Anne Moss Rogers

So you want them to think ahead of time.

Anne Moss Rogers

What is my plan?

Anne Moss Rogers

Because when you are in that moment, and that's why they train people in the army, because when they're in that emotional fight or flight, I'm going to be killed in battle.

Anne Moss Rogers

What kicks in their training?

Anne Moss Rogers

Fix it.

Heather Hester

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

And if they've written it in their own handwriting, then it's so much more effective.

Anne Moss Rogers

So those are the basics.

Anne Moss Rogers

Some people like to add.

Anne Moss Rogers

What are the emotional feelings that trigger my thoughts of suicide?

Anne Moss Rogers

But that gets a little complicated.

Anne Moss Rogers

So I want to just kind of keep it.

Anne Moss Rogers

What are the things that make life worth living?

Anne Moss Rogers

Who would you reach out to?

Anne Moss Rogers

And what are the numbers that you would call.

Heather Hester

Love that.

Heather Hester

That is incredible.

Heather Hester

Tell me again who you credited this to.

Heather Hester

Somebody who did.

Anne Moss Rogers

Who was Dr.

Anne Moss Rogers

Craig Bryan.

Heather Hester

Okay.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it's called the Crisis Response Plan crp.

Heather Hester

Okay.

Anne Moss Rogers

So basically I've let him know I kind of adapted this and you know, I'm just doing a little crisis plan now.

Anne Moss Rogers

It's not done.

Anne Moss Rogers

Like he does this whole training and I'm not doing every aspect of his training.

Anne Moss Rogers

I'm just getting kids in a five or ten minute moment, right.

Anne Moss Rogers

To fill out an index card and put.

Anne Moss Rogers

What is the most effective part, which his study says are those reasons to live.

Anne Moss Rogers

He said, so many people, when I did this index card, and I would see them years later, they'd pull out some worn piece of paper, you know, and he go.

Anne Moss Rogers

And they would say, these reasons for living have what kept me alive in difficult times.

Heather Hester

This is incredible.

Heather Hester

I mean, this is something that truthfully, we all should.

Anne Moss Rogers

We all need it.

Heather Hester

I'm sitting here thinking like, this is going to be a family activity, right?

Heather Hester

This is something.

Heather Hester

It is that important.

Anne Moss Rogers

I'm gonna do this on a college campus this month.

Anne Moss Rogers

And it's mandatory for the freshmen to.

Anne Moss Rogers

It'll be 1800 students and we're going to do this card.

Heather Hester

That is awesome.

Heather Hester

I mean, that is awesome.

Heather Hester

This is really, really incredible.

Heather Hester

I think even, you know, more so than perhaps we even realize.

Heather Hester

I'm just thinking like the, the massive effect that this could have.

Heather Hester

And I'm so grateful to you for sharing it.

Anne Moss Rogers

Oh, you're welcome.

Heather Hester

I.

Heather Hester

One more thing that I just really wanted.

Heather Hester

We're kind of going to jump a topic here really quickly because I know we're.

Heather Hester

And looking at our time here, but we had talked a little bit before we started about how to advocate for our children.

Heather Hester

So, you know, there are many reasons that adolescents, teenagers can find themselves in bullying situations or difficult situations at school, later on being out in the LGBTQ community.

Heather Hester

So as parents, when we are advocating, whether it's in the school or, you know, on a sports team or in the community, what advice do you have for parents in approaching that?

Anne Moss Rogers

I think before you go, you gotta have that pep talk of, I am not going to jump into an emotional tsunami here.

Anne Moss Rogers

I am going to approach this topic in a way.

Anne Moss Rogers

So think about your audience.

Anne Moss Rogers

Think about what their issues are.

Anne Moss Rogers

You know, have they been sort of anti lgbtq because you want to get the most to your child that you can't.

Anne Moss Rogers

You're not going to convert this person overnight.

Anne Moss Rogers

Right?

Heather Hester

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

If that's the situation you're walking into.

Anne Moss Rogers

So think about the situation you're walking into and have a plan and sort of make it a game.

Anne Moss Rogers

What is the most I can get from my child, despite the fact that they may be against this or think it's against their religion?

Anne Moss Rogers

So, for example, when I do trainings, the first time I did a role play between a teacher and LGBTQ student, three people walked out.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I thought, well, I guess I just need to toss that role play.

Anne Moss Rogers

And then I was like, no, I don't.

Anne Moss Rogers

That's not right.

Anne Moss Rogers

These kids are at risk.

Anne Moss Rogers

I'm all about saving lives.

Anne Moss Rogers

So I had to figure out a way to accommodate those that thought this was wrong.

Anne Moss Rogers

I had to take out my own belief system and my own emotions related to this.

Anne Moss Rogers

Instead of getting mad going, my kid died from this.

Anne Moss Rogers

You know, I had to just divorce all that and say, do you really want a child to die?

Heather Hester

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

But, you know, any child, and, you know, if any child does by suicide, it puts everyone else at risk.

Anne Moss Rogers

If it's a sports team or a grade level or a whole school.

Anne Moss Rogers

School, nobody wants that.

Anne Moss Rogers

You know, nobody wants to deal with grieving students and negative press.

Anne Moss Rogers

And so you got to sort of make that plan of going in so you reach your goal, understanding that you may not get everything you want, but you just want your foot in the door.

Heather Hester

Right.

Heather Hester

So as much as you may want to be, you know, the Mama Bear LGBTQ+ Advocate, you may have to temper that a bit.

Anne Moss Rogers

Right.

Heather Hester

And shift that to, I am going to appeal to this person's humanity.

Anne Moss Rogers

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

You have to understand them.

Anne Moss Rogers

Like when I go into rural communities and I talk about access to firearms, if I go in telling them they need to put their bullets in a warehouse three miles away from their house, do you think they're going to do that?

Anne Moss Rogers

I mean, it's a firearm owning community.

Anne Moss Rogers

They're big hunters.

Anne Moss Rogers

No way.

Heather Hester

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

I have to appeal to their humanity.

Heather Hester

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

I tell them rural communities are known for being there for their neighbor.

Anne Moss Rogers

Would you not want to be there for your neighbor when they're going.

Anne Moss Rogers

Going through a hard time?

Anne Moss Rogers

And that may involve changing the code on their gun safe until they're in a better place with their agreement.

Anne Moss Rogers

And you make this agreement ahead of time and you do this for each other, showing discretion.

Anne Moss Rogers

You don't have to announce it to the whole community.

Anne Moss Rogers

But having that kind of thought process before you go and you want to go in with guns blazing and a sword lifted and I'm, you know, I'm gonna show them what is the first thing that happens.

Anne Moss Rogers

They dig their heels in.

Anne Moss Rogers

There's no way.

Heather Hester

Right.

Anne Moss Rogers

I could give them anything.

Anne Moss Rogers

Yep.

Heather Hester

They shut down or walk out.

Anne Moss Rogers

Yep.

Anne Moss Rogers

That is not your goal.

Anne Moss Rogers

Your goal is just, it's an inch by inch process.

Anne Moss Rogers

And so you have to appeal to them.

Anne Moss Rogers

Like you said on, on a human, on a human level.

Heather Hester

Oh my goodness, absolutely.

Anne Moss Rogers

What is the Christian thing to do here?

Anne Moss Rogers

You know, if.

Anne Moss Rogers

And defining Christianity is, you know, some.

Anne Moss Rogers

Something that means that you don't want other people to die and you want to be there for each other, you know, no matter what.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I think it's really important.

Anne Moss Rogers

Like when kids are in ideation a lot of times people will think, well, that's the time to tell them that this is wrong and you know, try to convert them and like, no, no, please don't do that.

Anne Moss Rogers

Please don't.

Anne Moss Rogers

Yes.

Heather Hester

Yeah.

Heather Hester

Oh, goodness gracious, no.

Heather Hester

And maybe not ever, but hopefully not ever with that language.

Heather Hester

I mean, I think that.

Heather Hester

Yes, goodness gracious.

Heather Hester

And, and recogn.

Heather Hester

You know, I guess in you saying using that specific language, I mean, that kind of is another.

Heather Hester

I think we could probably go off on a whole other tangent here on just fear, because that's what that is.

Anne Moss Rogers

All, all of it fear based.

Anne Moss Rogers

And I'm not exactly understanding what they're afraid of.

Anne Moss Rogers

But they are.

Heather Hester

Yes.

Anne Moss Rogers

Somehow it unhinges their belief system.

Anne Moss Rogers

But it's like, I don't know that it has anything to do with you.

Heather Hester

Right, exactly.

Heather Hester

Exactly.

Heather Hester

It is difficult, but I think that I Think for us when, you know, understanding that's where the basis is.

Heather Hester

Makes it easier to come in and approach people who are operating from a place of fear and.

Heather Hester

Right, right.

Heather Hester

And knowing how to talk with them and.

Anne Moss Rogers

Oh, that's so succinctly said.

Anne Moss Rogers

Thank you.

Anne Moss Rogers

Thank you for making me sound good.

Anne Moss Rogers

Oh, that's wonderful.

Heather Hester

You're welcome.

Anne Moss Rogers

Oh, my goodness.

Anne Moss Rogers

You can give me an hour to cut that out, then I'll just stop.

Heather Hester

Oh, my goodness.

Heather Hester

Well, I would love to give you a few minutes.

Heather Hester

You have done some incredible writing and presenting and you have so many incredible resources available.

Heather Hester

And so I would love for you to share whatever you'd like to share right now.

Heather Hester

And to everyone listening, as always, this will be in the show notes and on my website and all of the places so you will be able to find Anne Moss incredible teaching and thoughts.

Anne Moss Rogers

So I think the most important page, I think if you go to mental health awareness education or you can Google Anne Moss Rogers, you'll find me click on books.

Anne Moss Rogers

And on that page you'll see my two published books.

Anne Moss Rogers

But you'll also there's a link at the top and it says free ebook library.

Anne Moss Rogers

And you can click on that and it'll talk about 10 Ways to Prevent suicide in our children, ways to recognize depression, and all sorts of really good resources that are free.

Anne Moss Rogers

All you need to do is put in an email and you can download them.

Anne Moss Rogers

And most of them are about 12 pages.

Heather Hester

That's incredible.

Heather Hester

That is really, really fantastic.

Heather Hester

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Heather Hester

And you have a very cool T shirt that we can all proudly wear.

Heather Hester

That is just listen.

Heather Hester

And I think those are such wise, wise words that if we do nothing else, we hear them and we see them and.

Anne Moss Rogers

That's right.

Anne Moss Rogers

Stop suicide with your ears.

Anne Moss Rogers

Yeah, it's been very popular.

Anne Moss Rogers

Sure.

Heather Hester

I love that.

Heather Hester

I love that.

Heather Hester

Well, thank you.

Heather Hester

Thank you so much for being here with me today.

Heather Hester

And I know this will have such an incredible impact and just educating and helping, you know, save a life.

Anne Moss Rogers

Thank you so much.

Anne Moss Rogers

I appreciate your having me today.

Heather Hester

Thank you so much for being here today.

Heather Hester

Wow, that was really, really incredible.

Heather Hester

And I am sure that you gleaned as much from that as I did.

Heather Hester

Just.

Heather Hester

Holy cow.

Heather Hester

I have to say, I'm just.

Heather Hester

I'm still processing and digesting and I'm.

Heather Hester

One of the first things I'm going to be doing is creating an index card with each of my kids, suggesting to them and sharing with them how to do this and doing it for myself and sharing it with Steve as well, so I highly recommend that.

Heather Hester

I think that is an incredible, incredible tool and suggestion.

Heather Hester

Please share this episode with someone that you love, someone you know who could benefit from listening to it, and if you have questions or wish to talk to somebody.

Heather Hester

The Hotlines as well as all of Ann Moss other resources are in the Show Notes as well as on my website.

Heather Hester

Thanks so much for joining me today.

Heather Hester

If you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful for a rating or a review.

Heather Hester

Click on the link in the Show Notes or go to my website chrysalismama.com to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me.

Heather Hester

Please share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone and remember to just breathe.

Heather Hester

Until next time.