Welcome to Just Breathe.
Heather HesterI am so happy you are here today.
Heather HesterToday's topic is one that is definitely more serious, one that is vitally, vitally important, especially for those of us with LGBTQ+KIDS.
Heather HesterToday, we are going to be talking about suicide prevention.
Heather HesterSeptember is National Suicide Prevention Month, and I know we've talked a lot about numbers and statistics and facts and real life stories.
Heather HesterAccording to the Trevor Project, 41% of LGBTQ young people considered suicide just in the past year.
Heather HesterAnd we know that that number has gone up from the 2022 national survey that they did.
Heather HesterWe know, we understand why the numbers are the way that they are.
Heather HesterAnd I think that this is a really vitally important distinction to make and to make sure that everybody really, really understands that LGBTQ youth are not prone to suicide risk because of their sexual orientation or their gender identity.
Heather HesterThey are prone to greater suicide risk, greater suicide ideation, greater self harm, greater mental health struggles because of the ways that they are misunderstood, mistreated, and the negative messaging that they receive and have received perhaps their entire lives.
Heather HesterSo this is a topic that is very near and dear to me.
Heather HesterI think it is something that is so important that we talk about, that we learn about, that we learn how to talk about with our kids.
Heather HesterAnd that is exactly what today's guest is going to help us do.
Heather HesterI am absolutely, so delighted to have Anne Moss Rogers on the show today.
Heather HesterShe is a mental health and suicide education expert, a professional speaker, trainer and consultant.
Heather HesterShe talks about this subject because after her 20 year old son Charles died by suicide in 2015, she chronicled her family's tragedy and a local newspaper article and that went viral and her blog.
Heather HesterHer subsequent blog, which is called Emotionally Naked, has reached millions of people.
Heather HesterShe is the author of an award winning memoir called Diary of a Broken Mind and the bestseller Emotionally Naked, A Teacher's Guide to Preventing suicide and Recognizing students at Risk.
Heather HesterWith her co writer, Dr.
Heather HesterKimberly O'Brien, she has been a TEDx speaker, was featured in the New York Times Variety magazine, and was the first non clinician invited to speak on youth suicide at the National Institute of Mental Health.
Heather HesterSo without further ado, I am so, so happy to bring you my conversation with Ann Moss.
Heather HesterWelcome to Just Breathe Parenting, your LGBTQ team, the podcast transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child.
Heather HesterMy name is Heather Hester and I am so grateful you are here.
Heather HesterI want you to take a deep breath and know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the Just Breathe nest.
Heather HesterWhether today's show is an amazing guest or me sharing stories, resources, strategies, or lessons I've learned along our journey.
Heather HesterI want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop, having a cozy chat.
Heather HesterMost of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.
Heather HesterAnn Moss, I am so happy that you are here with us today and I'm really looking forward to having this very, very important conversation and really learning from you because you have a not only incredible life experience, but you have really thrown yourself into learning all you possibly can and then educating others on that.
Heather HesterSo I am grateful that you've taken time out of your schedule and are here to share with us today.
Heather HesterThank you so much.
Anne Moss RogersWell, thank you for having the guts to have not only one, but several podcasts on suicide prevention, particularly for this group, which is so vital to saving lives.
Heather HesterOh my goodness, yes.
Heather HesterThe more and more that we learn, the more and more we realize that is the case and unfortunately right now, particularly the case.
Heather HesterSo this work is so, so very important in conversation, is very important.
Heather HesterI'd like to kind of start maybe not so much at the beginning, but just a little background on who you are and why you are doing what you are doing in the world.
Anne Moss RogersSo I started out my professional career in advertising and marketing and as I raised my children, I was freelancing as a copywriter, basically doing advertising and marketing and digital marketing starting in 1995.
Anne Moss RogersThat early.
Anne Moss RogersAnd then I owned a digital marketing firm and my son was struggling as I was owning this firm and I was trying to juggle my professional life with, you know, what was going on in my family.
Anne Moss RogersSo he started in middle school.
Anne Moss RogersI just got the feeling, talking to his fifth grade teacher, that we need to do private middle school.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I'm really glad we did that.
Anne Moss RogersOnce we got to high school, there weren't as many choices because he had a sleep disorder.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I would have preferred to do a small private school, but all of them started at like 7:30.
Anne Moss RogersAnd for a child with a sleep disorder, that wasn't good because most of the ones were at least 30 minutes away.
Anne Moss RogersSo I'd have to get him up even earlier.
Anne Moss RogersYes, the public school was the only place who would accommodate his schedule where he could come in later so that he could get more sleep.
Anne Moss RogersAnd so that's what we went with.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I don't think it was the best choice for Charles, but I'm not sure what other choices we had at the time.
Anne Moss RogersSo around his sophomore year, he gets chosen to be on homecoming court because he's the funniest, most popular kid in school.
Anne Moss RogersThis is pretty rare for a sophomore.
Heather HesterYeah.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I remember what a great day that was because my older son was also chosen to be on the court, and he actually won.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I remember they got this picture of me being totally shocked because my older child, strong introvert, but he'd really kind of come out that year.
Anne Moss RogersAnd in turn, and when I say come out, he'd come out of his shell because he was an introvert.
Anne Moss RogersAnd my younger son Charles, you know, just laughed across the field, he's being escorted by his favorite teacher.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I know people looking down on that field that day at my family thought, wow, you know, they really got it made.
Anne Moss RogersAnd what they didn't know is how much we were struggling with my younger son's mental health and how much we were struggling with his substance mis use, which had really started to escalate and really, really escalated after that proud mama moment, as I like to say.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I didn't know why he was doing drugs and alcohol.
Anne Moss RogersAnd later, from reading his rap music, I would find out it was because he was numbing thoughts of suicide.
Anne Moss RogersAnd to him, he thought, well, isn't it a lot better that I'm doing drugs and alcohol instead of killing myself?
Anne Moss RogersYou know, he's a teenager.
Anne Moss RogersHe's not looking ahead to see the problems that could lead to.
Anne Moss RogersHe's just thinking in the moment.
Anne Moss RogersAnd what happens when they do that is they, you know, are robbed of the ability to develop healthy coping strategies.
Anne Moss RogersHe ends up being, you know, we're going to see a counselor because I don't know what to do, and I don't know what's what.
Anne Moss RogersI don't know what he's struggling with.
Anne Moss RogersAnd nobody offers to do a psychological evaluation.
Anne Moss RogersWe're not getting a lot of help from the school.
Anne Moss RogersI mean, I had some advocates, but not as many as I really needed.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I'm sure members of your audience will certainly understand that he ends up.
Anne Moss RogersThe counselor ends up recommended that we kidnap our son out of his bed and have him sent to wilderness program.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I know you've been there, right?
Heather HesterYes.
Anne Moss RogersAnd then from there, we did get a psychological evaluation.
Anne Moss RogersAnd so that was the good part.
Anne Moss RogersAnd he was diagnosed with major depression for the first time, which I found shocking.
Anne Moss RogersYou know, he's funniest, most popular kid in school.
Anne Moss RogersHe seemed to relish in love life and a constant revolving door of friends.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it was really hard to Understand?
Anne Moss RogersBut I accepted it.
Anne Moss RogersAnd then he was diagnosed with adhd, combined type anxiety, and cannabis dependence because he had started using marijuana to be able to sleep.
Anne Moss RogersAnd he, you know, said it was natural and blah, blah, blah.
Anne Moss RogersBut I want everyone to know that marijuana is not harmless.
Anne Moss RogersIt triggers psychosis and schizophrenia.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it definitely.
Anne Moss RogersIt.
Anne Moss RogersIt wasn't trolls with destination drug.
Anne Moss RogersHe would end up becoming addicted to heroin eventually, but he didn't end up becoming addicted to it until he went to therapy, boarding school, and it wasn't until he returned in 2014, which was kind of the height of the heroin epidemic, and he kind of got caught up in that.
Anne Moss RogersAnd he would eventually confess.
Anne Moss RogersHe would do all the things, the detox, the rehab, and he would go to a recovery house, and he would relapse within 24 hours.
Anne Moss RogersIt was their protocol to take him back to detox.
Anne Moss RogersAll he had to do was three days and he could come back to the recovery house.
Anne Moss RogersBut he saw a friend there, and they walked out together.
Anne Moss RogersAnd for two weeks, I don't know where he is.
Anne Moss RogersIs he under a bridge?
Anne Moss RogersIs he, you know, staying with friends?
Anne Moss RogersAnd we get the occasional text, but not much other communication than that.
Anne Moss RogersHere's the thing.
Anne Moss RogersI also didn't call him a lie.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I still kind of wonder why I didn't.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I think it was fear or, you know, I need to do this tough love parenting thing, which is a bunch of bs, I'm going to tell you that right now.
Anne Moss RogersI wish I'd called him every day and said, as much as I want you to get well, I love you, even if you don't.
Anne Moss RogersBut.
Anne Moss RogersBut I didn't do that.
Anne Moss RogersI did tell him I loved him, and I did text him, and I got a last phone call that I didn't know was my last phone call.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it was on June 5, 2015, when my husband and I are sitting in the back of a police car in a parking lot.
Anne Moss RogersThey had called us to say, we want to meet with you.
Anne Moss RogersAnd they delivered the worst news of our lives and told us our son had been found dead.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I remember thinking, it's got to be overdose, right?
Anne Moss RogersI mean, he'd been addicted to heroin.
Anne Moss RogersAnd when my husband said, how did he die?
Anne Moss RogersAnd the policeman said it was a suicide, I couldn't even breathe.
Anne Moss RogersI mean, my husband is having this explosion in the front seat, and I'm just.
Anne Moss RogersI've forgotten how to breathe.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it was like this extra twist of the knife, and it was like, doesn't he know we love him?
Anne Moss RogersI just didn't understand why suicide.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it would just be a really long time before I would.
Anne Moss RogersI was.
Anne Moss RogersThat intent piece makes the grief process so much harder.
Anne Moss RogersAnd you feel like, how did I miss pain and hurt so monumental.
Anne Moss RogersAnd, you know, I really.
Anne Moss RogersI beat myself up for years over that.
Anne Moss RogersBut then I sold my digital marketing business and I started doing this full time because I wasn't finding the reward in the other things I was doing, and I was finding healing by putting my grief into action.
Anne Moss RogersSo that's why I do what I do today.
Heather HesterI just need to take a moment, and I want everybody to take a moment because that.
Heather HesterAnd I want to honor.
Anne Moss RogersWho'S my baby.
Heather HesterThe worst imaginable thing.
Anne Moss RogersAnd, I mean, I thought I took all those steps.
Anne Moss RogersI thought, this is going to insulate me.
Anne Moss RogersAnd not only did it blow up in my face, it blew up in the absolute ugliest way possible.
Anne Moss RogersI mean, I couldn't even imagine a scenario so awful and a journey to healing so absolutely and utterly painful is that once.
Heather HesterI just.
Heather HesterI cannot even begin to imagine.
Anne Moss RogersAnd.
Heather HesterI am just so deeply sorry.
Heather HesterI know that there are so many of us who, in different ways, can empathize with different pieces of your story, for sure.
Heather HesterAnd every parent.
Anne Moss RogersRight, Right.
Heather HesterEvery single parent.
Heather HesterIt is the worst, worst imaginable thing.
Heather HesterAnd.
Anne Moss RogersBut I'm here today because I know that Youth who are LGBTQ + are at higher risk.
Heather HesterYes.
Anne Moss RogersI do not want anyone to go through what I've been through, but we need to put in place and we need to be more.
Anne Moss RogersWe need to be more aware with this group, because that connection and belonging and lack of acceptance, no matter how accepting you are in the family, the rest of the world isn't always complying with that.
Heather HesterCorrect?
Heather HesterCorrect.
Heather HesterSo what are.
Heather HesterThere's a lot of different questions here and a lot of different pieces to this that I want to make sure that we talk about.
Anne Moss RogersFirst.
Heather HesterI like that you just now touched on or began to say, I think where you were going, which is the fact that, yes, our LGBTQ plus kids are more at risk.
Heather HesterThey are not at risk because they are LGBTQ plus.
Heather HesterThey are at risk because of what's coming at them externally, the messaging that they've fed all of these years.
Heather HesterSo before.
Heather HesterAnd we talk about this a lot here, like, before they even come out, they already have all of this messaging spinning in their heads.
Anne Moss RogersSure.
Heather HesterSo what can we do?
Heather HesterWhat is.
Heather HesterWhat are some of the steps or what are the steps that you kind of like to share about how to recognize this, what words, what should we say to our kids?
Heather HesterWhat kind of conversations should we be having?
Heather HesterHow can we as parents be more vulnerable or share, you know, share different things?
Heather HesterAnd I heard that, you know, at several points in your story that, and I think that's something that, you know, it often does take some kind of crisis for us to learn that being vulnerable and sharing what we're thinking, what we're feeling with our kids is so vitally important, more important than we will ever know.
Heather HesterSo kind of going back, what are the steps that you would say?
Heather HesterLike this is what to look for, this is what you need to do.
Anne Moss RogersSo I think we look for kids who are isolating more.
Anne Moss RogersEspecially it's natural for them to kind of pull away from you, their parent at this age, and to align more with their peers.
Anne Moss RogersBut when they're pulling away from you and their peers and they're isolating alone in a room, that's a red flag.
Anne Moss RogersSelf deprecating remarks.
Anne Moss RogersNobody likes me.
Anne Moss RogersEveryone hates me.
Anne Moss RogersI'm so stupid.
Anne Moss RogersWe need to start to ask more questions.
Anne Moss RogersSay, what makes you say that?
Anne Moss RogersI'd love to know.
Anne Moss RogersAnd remember, when you ask questions, to ask with curiosity, not shame, not I'm going to teach you a lesson or I'm going to set you straight.
Anne Moss RogersYou're listening and you want that person to feel heard.
Anne Moss RogersWhich means not offering solutions, but just asking more questions.
Anne Moss RogersSo what we're going to look for is we're going to look for kids who are absent a lot.
Anne Moss RogersMaybe they're going to the school nurse a lot.
Anne Moss RogersCharles did that.
Anne Moss RogersSo they have backaches, headaches, they catch more stuff, they go to the doctor more, they go to the ER more.
Anne Moss RogersThose kids are often at risk.
Anne Moss RogersSo if you know your school nurse by first name, it can be likely that your child might be at higher risk of suicide.
Anne Moss RogersBut it's not the only thing.
Anne Moss RogersIt's kind of the combination of a bunch of risk factors that kind of come together all at once.
Anne Moss RogersAre they falling asleep a lot in class?
Anne Moss RogersThat means they might be having trouble falling asleep at night, behaving recklessly and taking chances.
Anne Moss RogersYou know, you've talked about drugs and alcohol and they're popping every pill they can find because they don't care if they're going to die.
Anne Moss RogersI think we really need to look out for those things.
Anne Moss RogersAnd what they say, I'm so worthless.
Anne Moss RogersI'm such a burden.
Anne Moss RogersI can't do this anymore.
Anne Moss RogersNow a lot of people think suicide is selfish.
Anne Moss RogersIt's not.
Anne Moss RogersIt is really about feeling despair and feeling like you're so worthless if you were gone, no one would care.
Anne Moss RogersBut I want everyone here to know that that continuum, or the time they're in a suicidal episode is a limited amount of time.
Anne Moss RogersAnd 20 minutes is about average.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it goes kind of like up and down.
Anne Moss RogersAnd at no time is anyone 100% committed to the idea of dying by suicide.
Anne Moss RogersSo they're always ambivalent on some level.
Anne Moss RogersAnd the really, really intense feelings of, I want to die, and I want to die now to stop this pain, those last 60 to 90 seconds, within that 20 minute or so, continuing.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it can be shorter and it can be longer, but that's just an example, okay?
Anne Moss RogersAnd so I want people to know they come out of it.
Anne Moss RogersSo let's say they've taken some over the counter medication and they are at risk, by the way, taking too much Tylenol or whatever they took.
Anne Moss RogersThey may come tell you, and you're wondering, well, if they were trying to kill themselves, why are they telling me now?
Anne Moss RogersThat's because they've come out of that suicidal process and they're like, I don't want to die anymore.
Anne Moss RogersIn that moment, they did.
Anne Moss RogersAnd then that changes, right?
Anne Moss RogersSo that's the sort of basic overview.
Anne Moss RogersAnd if you've been hearing your child say any of this, it's time to say, you know, I was listening to this podcast episode today, and the woman was talking about her son who died.
Anne Moss RogersAnd if a child says these phrases, then we need to ask the question, are you thinking of suicide?
Anne Moss RogersBecause if you want to know if someone is thinking suicide, you have to ask directly.
Anne Moss RogersWhat you will typically see on someone's face is relief because they've been wanting to tell you.
Anne Moss RogersAnd that's what people don't understand, is that kids who struggle with thoughts of suicide want desperately to tell you.
Anne Moss RogersThey find me online and I've had conversations with people with kids for two years, and they'll sometimes they get around to telling somebody within two days, and sometimes it takes them two years, right?
Anne Moss RogersBut they really want to tell, and they struggle with telling you because they worry about how you'll accept it and how you'll react.
Anne Moss RogersFirst thing, do not panic.
Anne Moss RogersWhatever you have to do, whatever you have to pull from, you've been these parents, you guys, you've been through a lot.
Anne Moss RogersYou know better than to panic.
Anne Moss RogersTake that deep breath, right?
Anne Moss RogersAnd just start asking questions.
Anne Moss RogersHow long have you felt this way?
Anne Moss RogersTell me more about how you feel, if any.
Anne Moss RogersI think it's really important Maybe not at this sitting, you know, if you're actually, your child's in suicidal ideation, but later on you want, you want to have the conversation of being more vulnerable, you know, being more vulnerable yourself and sharing with them what your fears are for them.
Anne Moss RogersYou know, when, when you told me that, all I could think about was how much I miss you and how much I love you.
Anne Moss RogersBut at that moment I needed to be there for you.
Anne Moss RogersI'm not handling this well right now.
Anne Moss RogersI'm kind of freaking out and wanting to text you and call you constantly and that's not going to help either one of us.
Anne Moss RogersSo I'm joining the support group or discussion group so I can get support and not do that because it's not effective.
Anne Moss RogersAnd then you can come up, ask them, well, I want to ask you every day, are you thinking of suicide?
Anne Moss RogersBut if we could come up with a code phrase, you know, my toenails are blue, you know, whatever you want.
Anne Moss RogersRight.
Anne Moss RogersAnd give them that agency to come up with the funny phrase.
Anne Moss RogersYou know, you're not going to want me to ask that every day, but we need to agree that this, that's what this phrase means.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it's just a way of us to communicate and for you to bring down my anxiety about this, which I'm asking your help.
Anne Moss RogersSo when you do that, you're saying you're important to me.
Anne Moss RogersI need your help for my anxiety.
Anne Moss RogersAnd just your presence and your thoughtfulness or your random hugs will help make that happen.
Anne Moss RogersSo you're making them a part of that process.
Heather HesterI, that's great.
Heather HesterI really, really love that.
Heather HesterSo many different pieces there that are so actionable and so easy to do because I think when we think, when we think about this it seems very.
Heather HesterJust big and it does.
Anne Moss RogersAnd scary and you.
Anne Moss RogersAnd you think, I can't fix this.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I want all your listeners to know you cannot, you cannot fix this for them.
Anne Moss RogersYou can be there to support them, you can be there to love them, but it's okay not to have all the answers.
Anne Moss RogersIt's okay to say, I don't even know what to do yet.
Anne Moss RogersLet's text 741741 or the Trevor text line.
Anne Moss RogersLet's do that together.
Anne Moss RogersOr call the Trevor hotline together and let's see what they suggest for next steps.
Anne Moss RogersAs parents, we often want to come out is knowing it all and I think we need to reveal our vulnerability that we don't.
Anne Moss RogersBut we're willing to learn along with them, right?
Heather HesterAbsolutely.
Heather HesterWell, and I think that when they realize, you know, that helps them realize our humanity.
Heather HesterRight.
Heather HesterWe're not on that pedestal of the parent.
Heather HesterRight.
Heather HesterAll of a sudden that brings us down to like, oh, they're human too.
Heather HesterAnd oh, they're, they're feeling this.
Heather HesterRight.
Heather HesterLike their feelings are similar to my feelings and I can communicate with them, which I is.
Heather HesterI think such is a, it is a game changer in as far as relationship with your child, specifically your teenager.
Heather HesterI do love that you brought up the Trevor project and any of these hotlines which will all be in the show notes for you all.
Heather HesterBut again, I think that is such a great initial go to because I think there is that moment where you're sitting in this and the two of you are communicating and you're thinking it is such a natural thing for a parent to be like, I just want to fix.
Heather HesterRight.
Heather HesterAnd I want to help and I want to do.
Heather HesterAnd, and this is something that you can do and offer to do it with your child.
Heather HesterWhich I love that you said that too, because that takes kind of that I'm alone piece and it's scary.
Heather HesterRight, Right.
Anne Moss RogersAnd you're so, you're showing partnership.
Heather HesterRight.
Anne Moss RogersYou know, I'm let, let's figure this out.
Anne Moss RogersPlus you're giving them agency.
Heather HesterYep.
Anne Moss RogersWhich is so important for their future mental health.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I want to also add, there's the trans lifeline too.
Heather HesterYes.
Anne Moss RogersSo if you've got a trans child, you definitely want to read because they're the people who understand.
Heather HesterRight.
Anne Moss RogersAnd you're going to get somebody on the line who's been through this and they understand this and that's what you really need.
Heather HesterAbsolutely, absolutely.
Heather HesterAnd they're, they are going to be able to not only listen in the best way, but share the most helpful information they are and direct you where perhaps you need to go next or.
Anne Moss RogersYou know what, the friendly, friendly resources.
Heather HesterExactly, exactly.
Heather HesterI'm curious your thoughts on this.
Heather HesterA while back I spoke with someone who also works in, in this similar field who suggested that when we have these conversations with our child and we really talk about whether it's suicidal ideation or when they are in that moment.
Heather HesterRight.
Heather HesterAnd thank you for breaking that down so clearly that if you ask the question, why would you want to stay here?
Heather HesterWhy do.
Heather HesterWhy do you want to stay here?
Heather HesterAnd have them start naming reasons that they want to stay here, that, that does something in the brain and I'm curious your thoughts on that.
Anne Moss RogersSo at the point where they're in ideation, they're so fixated with their tunnel vision.
Anne Moss RogersYou can ask that.
Anne Moss RogersIt's okay to ask that.
Anne Moss RogersBut understand that they may not be able to formulate an answer, and most likely it's going to be, I'm worthless.
Anne Moss RogersThere are no reasons to stay here because emotionally, they don't have the capacity to wrap their heads around that.
Heather HesterSure.
Anne Moss RogersHowever, most of the time, we are not in suicidal ideation.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I do something with teenagers and college kids on an index card.
Anne Moss RogersWhat are your reasons for living?
Anne Moss RogersAnd they write it down in their own handwriting.
Anne Moss RogersAnd this has.
Anne Moss RogersIt's called the crisis response plan.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it's Dr.
Anne Moss RogersCraig Bryant.
Anne Moss RogersHe gets credit for this.
Anne Moss RogersAnd the numbers and success rates are incredible.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I think everyone should have this index card.
Heather HesterRight.
Anne Moss RogersWhat is so crucial about it is what are the things that make that make life worth living?
Anne Moss RogersAnd what along with things like family, my dog, my YouTube channel, and my fan.
Anne Moss RogersYou know, it might be my football, might be my dog, but you also want them to also think of a past memory to also.
Anne Moss RogersAnd just a couple of clues on that card to sort of trigger that memory to mine.
Anne Moss RogersI've got on my card Vienna, because I had dinner one night in a castle, Indiana, and I was invited to this dinner, and it was through my husband's business.
Anne Moss RogersWe had no idea what.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it was so lavish.
Anne Moss RogersIt was so fabulous.
Anne Moss RogersWe were sitting in this table, and I've never laughed so hard my whole night.
Anne Moss RogersAnd everybody kept coming up to our table, including the royalty, because we were laughing so hard.
Anne Moss RogersAnd we clearly just had the magic that night.
Heather HesterOh, my gosh.
Anne Moss RogersAnd so that's all I have to remember.
Anne Moss RogersAnd then I'm back in a happy place.
Anne Moss RogersSo writing down little things that trigger a memory, one dad had put on his card.
Anne Moss RogersRemember how good Angela was during my cancer treatment?
Anne Moss RogersAnd how his daughter had nursed him the whole time through his cancer treatment and gotten him newspapers and read him stories, and now he's feeling suicidal, and that was his way of kind of resetting his own brain.
Anne Moss RogersIf you ask them to take out that card when they are suicidal, it reminds them of those things they wrote down themselves.
Anne Moss RogersAnd that is a more effective strategy because for them to come up with those reasons in ideation is pretty rare.
Heather HesterRight.
Heather HesterThat makes sense.
Heather HesterJust because you're in that crisis.
Heather HesterFight or flight, right?
Heather HesterYep.
Anne Moss RogersSo I want to finish the rest of what goes on that card.
Anne Moss RogersSo you've got your reasons for living, and then you have people that you reach out to, and those are your trusted adults.
Anne Moss RogersSo maybe it is your school counselor because she's been super supportive.
Anne Moss RogersBut not just your parents, other trusted adults.
Anne Moss RogersYou want to write down the crisis lines you'd reach out to with this, you know, group.
Anne Moss RogersIt would be some of those Trevor project.
Heather HesterYeah.
Anne Moss RogersLifelines.
Heather HesterRight.
Anne Moss RogersMaybe you put down a warm line.
Anne Moss RogersAlmost every state has a warm line.
Anne Moss RogersAnd when you're struggling, that's a good place to call.
Anne Moss RogersSo you want them to think ahead of time.
Anne Moss RogersWhat is my plan?
Anne Moss RogersBecause when you are in that moment, and that's why they train people in the army, because when they're in that emotional fight or flight, I'm going to be killed in battle.
Anne Moss RogersWhat kicks in their training?
Anne Moss RogersFix it.
Heather HesterRight.
Anne Moss RogersAnd if they've written it in their own handwriting, then it's so much more effective.
Anne Moss RogersSo those are the basics.
Anne Moss RogersSome people like to add.
Anne Moss RogersWhat are the emotional feelings that trigger my thoughts of suicide?
Anne Moss RogersBut that gets a little complicated.
Anne Moss RogersSo I want to just kind of keep it.
Anne Moss RogersWhat are the things that make life worth living?
Anne Moss RogersWho would you reach out to?
Anne Moss RogersAnd what are the numbers that you would call.
Heather HesterLove that.
Heather HesterThat is incredible.
Heather HesterTell me again who you credited this to.
Heather HesterSomebody who did.
Anne Moss RogersWho was Dr.
Anne Moss RogersCraig Bryan.
Heather HesterOkay.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it's called the Crisis Response Plan crp.
Heather HesterOkay.
Anne Moss RogersSo basically I've let him know I kind of adapted this and you know, I'm just doing a little crisis plan now.
Anne Moss RogersIt's not done.
Anne Moss RogersLike he does this whole training and I'm not doing every aspect of his training.
Anne Moss RogersI'm just getting kids in a five or ten minute moment, right.
Anne Moss RogersTo fill out an index card and put.
Anne Moss RogersWhat is the most effective part, which his study says are those reasons to live.
Anne Moss RogersHe said, so many people, when I did this index card, and I would see them years later, they'd pull out some worn piece of paper, you know, and he go.
Anne Moss RogersAnd they would say, these reasons for living have what kept me alive in difficult times.
Heather HesterThis is incredible.
Heather HesterI mean, this is something that truthfully, we all should.
Anne Moss RogersWe all need it.
Heather HesterI'm sitting here thinking like, this is going to be a family activity, right?
Heather HesterThis is something.
Heather HesterIt is that important.
Anne Moss RogersI'm gonna do this on a college campus this month.
Anne Moss RogersAnd it's mandatory for the freshmen to.
Anne Moss RogersIt'll be 1800 students and we're going to do this card.
Heather HesterThat is awesome.
Heather HesterI mean, that is awesome.
Heather HesterThis is really, really incredible.
Heather HesterI think even, you know, more so than perhaps we even realize.
Heather HesterI'm just thinking like the, the massive effect that this could have.
Heather HesterAnd I'm so grateful to you for sharing it.
Anne Moss RogersOh, you're welcome.
Heather HesterI.
Heather HesterOne more thing that I just really wanted.
Heather HesterWe're kind of going to jump a topic here really quickly because I know we're.
Heather HesterAnd looking at our time here, but we had talked a little bit before we started about how to advocate for our children.
Heather HesterSo, you know, there are many reasons that adolescents, teenagers can find themselves in bullying situations or difficult situations at school, later on being out in the LGBTQ community.
Heather HesterSo as parents, when we are advocating, whether it's in the school or, you know, on a sports team or in the community, what advice do you have for parents in approaching that?
Anne Moss RogersI think before you go, you gotta have that pep talk of, I am not going to jump into an emotional tsunami here.
Anne Moss RogersI am going to approach this topic in a way.
Anne Moss RogersSo think about your audience.
Anne Moss RogersThink about what their issues are.
Anne Moss RogersYou know, have they been sort of anti lgbtq because you want to get the most to your child that you can't.
Anne Moss RogersYou're not going to convert this person overnight.
Anne Moss RogersRight?
Heather HesterRight.
Anne Moss RogersIf that's the situation you're walking into.
Anne Moss RogersSo think about the situation you're walking into and have a plan and sort of make it a game.
Anne Moss RogersWhat is the most I can get from my child, despite the fact that they may be against this or think it's against their religion?
Anne Moss RogersSo, for example, when I do trainings, the first time I did a role play between a teacher and LGBTQ student, three people walked out.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I thought, well, I guess I just need to toss that role play.
Anne Moss RogersAnd then I was like, no, I don't.
Anne Moss RogersThat's not right.
Anne Moss RogersThese kids are at risk.
Anne Moss RogersI'm all about saving lives.
Anne Moss RogersSo I had to figure out a way to accommodate those that thought this was wrong.
Anne Moss RogersI had to take out my own belief system and my own emotions related to this.
Anne Moss RogersInstead of getting mad going, my kid died from this.
Anne Moss RogersYou know, I had to just divorce all that and say, do you really want a child to die?
Heather HesterRight.
Anne Moss RogersBut, you know, any child, and, you know, if any child does by suicide, it puts everyone else at risk.
Anne Moss RogersIf it's a sports team or a grade level or a whole school.
Anne Moss RogersSchool, nobody wants that.
Anne Moss RogersYou know, nobody wants to deal with grieving students and negative press.
Anne Moss RogersAnd so you got to sort of make that plan of going in so you reach your goal, understanding that you may not get everything you want, but you just want your foot in the door.
Heather HesterRight.
Heather HesterSo as much as you may want to be, you know, the Mama Bear LGBTQ+ Advocate, you may have to temper that a bit.
Anne Moss RogersRight.
Heather HesterAnd shift that to, I am going to appeal to this person's humanity.
Anne Moss RogersRight.
Anne Moss RogersYou have to understand them.
Anne Moss RogersLike when I go into rural communities and I talk about access to firearms, if I go in telling them they need to put their bullets in a warehouse three miles away from their house, do you think they're going to do that?
Anne Moss RogersI mean, it's a firearm owning community.
Anne Moss RogersThey're big hunters.
Anne Moss RogersNo way.
Heather HesterRight.
Anne Moss RogersI have to appeal to their humanity.
Heather HesterRight.
Anne Moss RogersI tell them rural communities are known for being there for their neighbor.
Anne Moss RogersWould you not want to be there for your neighbor when they're going.
Anne Moss RogersGoing through a hard time?
Anne Moss RogersAnd that may involve changing the code on their gun safe until they're in a better place with their agreement.
Anne Moss RogersAnd you make this agreement ahead of time and you do this for each other, showing discretion.
Anne Moss RogersYou don't have to announce it to the whole community.
Anne Moss RogersBut having that kind of thought process before you go and you want to go in with guns blazing and a sword lifted and I'm, you know, I'm gonna show them what is the first thing that happens.
Anne Moss RogersThey dig their heels in.
Anne Moss RogersThere's no way.
Heather HesterRight.
Anne Moss RogersI could give them anything.
Anne Moss RogersYep.
Heather HesterThey shut down or walk out.
Anne Moss RogersYep.
Anne Moss RogersThat is not your goal.
Anne Moss RogersYour goal is just, it's an inch by inch process.
Anne Moss RogersAnd so you have to appeal to them.
Anne Moss RogersLike you said on, on a human, on a human level.
Heather HesterOh my goodness, absolutely.
Anne Moss RogersWhat is the Christian thing to do here?
Anne Moss RogersYou know, if.
Anne Moss RogersAnd defining Christianity is, you know, some.
Anne Moss RogersSomething that means that you don't want other people to die and you want to be there for each other, you know, no matter what.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I think it's really important.
Anne Moss RogersLike when kids are in ideation a lot of times people will think, well, that's the time to tell them that this is wrong and you know, try to convert them and like, no, no, please don't do that.
Anne Moss RogersPlease don't.
Anne Moss RogersYes.
Heather HesterYeah.
Heather HesterOh, goodness gracious, no.
Heather HesterAnd maybe not ever, but hopefully not ever with that language.
Heather HesterI mean, I think that.
Heather HesterYes, goodness gracious.
Heather HesterAnd, and recogn.
Heather HesterYou know, I guess in you saying using that specific language, I mean, that kind of is another.
Heather HesterI think we could probably go off on a whole other tangent here on just fear, because that's what that is.
Anne Moss RogersAll, all of it fear based.
Anne Moss RogersAnd I'm not exactly understanding what they're afraid of.
Anne Moss RogersBut they are.
Heather HesterYes.
Anne Moss RogersSomehow it unhinges their belief system.
Anne Moss RogersBut it's like, I don't know that it has anything to do with you.
Heather HesterRight, exactly.
Heather HesterExactly.
Heather HesterIt is difficult, but I think that I Think for us when, you know, understanding that's where the basis is.
Heather HesterMakes it easier to come in and approach people who are operating from a place of fear and.
Heather HesterRight, right.
Heather HesterAnd knowing how to talk with them and.
Anne Moss RogersOh, that's so succinctly said.
Anne Moss RogersThank you.
Anne Moss RogersThank you for making me sound good.
Anne Moss RogersOh, that's wonderful.
Heather HesterYou're welcome.
Anne Moss RogersOh, my goodness.
Anne Moss RogersYou can give me an hour to cut that out, then I'll just stop.
Heather HesterOh, my goodness.
Heather HesterWell, I would love to give you a few minutes.
Heather HesterYou have done some incredible writing and presenting and you have so many incredible resources available.
Heather HesterAnd so I would love for you to share whatever you'd like to share right now.
Heather HesterAnd to everyone listening, as always, this will be in the show notes and on my website and all of the places so you will be able to find Anne Moss incredible teaching and thoughts.
Anne Moss RogersSo I think the most important page, I think if you go to mental health awareness education or you can Google Anne Moss Rogers, you'll find me click on books.
Anne Moss RogersAnd on that page you'll see my two published books.
Anne Moss RogersBut you'll also there's a link at the top and it says free ebook library.
Anne Moss RogersAnd you can click on that and it'll talk about 10 Ways to Prevent suicide in our children, ways to recognize depression, and all sorts of really good resources that are free.
Anne Moss RogersAll you need to do is put in an email and you can download them.
Anne Moss RogersAnd most of them are about 12 pages.
Heather HesterThat's incredible.
Heather HesterThat is really, really fantastic.
Heather HesterThank you, thank you, thank you.
Heather HesterAnd you have a very cool T shirt that we can all proudly wear.
Heather HesterThat is just listen.
Heather HesterAnd I think those are such wise, wise words that if we do nothing else, we hear them and we see them and.
Anne Moss RogersThat's right.
Anne Moss RogersStop suicide with your ears.
Anne Moss RogersYeah, it's been very popular.
Anne Moss RogersSure.
Heather HesterI love that.
Heather HesterI love that.
Heather HesterWell, thank you.
Heather HesterThank you so much for being here with me today.
Heather HesterAnd I know this will have such an incredible impact and just educating and helping, you know, save a life.
Anne Moss RogersThank you so much.
Anne Moss RogersI appreciate your having me today.
Heather HesterThank you so much for being here today.
Heather HesterWow, that was really, really incredible.
Heather HesterAnd I am sure that you gleaned as much from that as I did.
Heather HesterJust.
Heather HesterHoly cow.
Heather HesterI have to say, I'm just.
Heather HesterI'm still processing and digesting and I'm.
Heather HesterOne of the first things I'm going to be doing is creating an index card with each of my kids, suggesting to them and sharing with them how to do this and doing it for myself and sharing it with Steve as well, so I highly recommend that.
Heather HesterI think that is an incredible, incredible tool and suggestion.
Heather HesterPlease share this episode with someone that you love, someone you know who could benefit from listening to it, and if you have questions or wish to talk to somebody.
Heather HesterThe Hotlines as well as all of Ann Moss other resources are in the Show Notes as well as on my website.
Heather HesterThanks so much for joining me today.
Heather HesterIf you enjoyed today's episode, I would be so grateful for a rating or a review.
Heather HesterClick on the link in the Show Notes or go to my website chrysalismama.com to stay up to date on my latest resources as well as to learn how you can work with me.
Heather HesterPlease share this podcast with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone and remember to just breathe.
Heather HesterUntil next time.